Sunday, August 30, 2009

WW points

So, I just looked up the weight watchers points and apparently according to WW points system I'm supposed to be eating 29 points per day. On my current meal plan, I've already had 31 than that and I haven't had dinner yet.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

impromptu cheat day

I figured I had a cheat day coming to me, and, well, apparently it's today. I figured that out as I decided to buy chocolate chip cookies at the store. And then B&J cheesecake brownie ice cream. Then a whole package of Oreo's (just to have a few) and a whole package of marshmallow pinwheel cookies (I had 3 and left the rest on the curb!! - 120 calories each!) So, I'm going to an Indian restaurant right now. I've been waiting for ages for some tasty Indian cuisine and Nan bread. I can't decide which to get - usually I like the lamb saag, but I do have a problem with eating the cute little lambs.

influx of fall foods

It's Saturday, weigh-in day and also I need to plan next week's meal plan and go to the grocery store today because my meal plan ends today and I need to know what to eat tomorrow.

I'm having a hard time deciding on which meal plan to go on this week! I was planning to do the Mediterranean meal plan, which allows for a glass of wine at dinner. Then I saw that the seasonal diet that I was on had changed from Summer Fresh to Fall's Best. Now, I like the summer meal plan with all its fresh berries and cherries and so on. But there is something appealing also about the new foods available on the Fall's Best meal plan - pumpkin pie filling and squashes and apples and barley and cumin and beans and soups and dried fruits and canned pears and so on... But I'll have to decide because I need to get this done now.

Friday, August 28, 2009

August 28, 234

Thanks to Mae Flowers for noticing I had lost 50 pounds as of yesterday. I didn't really have the ability to write any more about it. As of today, we can make that 51 pounds and I am happy about it.

Yesterday I worked in the out-of-doors, setting up and taking down a rock concert at an outdoor venue. The weather was humid. The work is physical. For the load-out, I was pretty early on assigned to be a "pusher" - pushing boxes up the ramp to the truck. A couple hours of that was a good cardiovascular exercise and I feel like more than a good enough substitute for going to the gym. Glad to see I'm still vigorous when I have to be! Though I am overdue for getting back to the gym to lift weights. And my absence from weightlifting may even be part of the reason the scale's finally reading lower numbers this week.

I've been working these rock-and-roll shows - three in the past few weeks so far - and they give out these t-shirts to the local crew and I've been getting size XL. Not 2XL or 3XL - just XL. These size XL t-shirts feel a little close on me, but they fit, and that's really something! Previously I had to feel a little ashamed because when they gave out t-shirts.

I wonder how much more weight I'll have to lose to reach a size L.

As I have started losing weight again, and getting closer to my first long-term goal of 220 pounds (65 pounds lost) I have had indications that 220 is not going to be a stopping point for me. One major indication is my belly. It is still hanging too large above the belly button (aggravating since that was one of the last things to happen to me at high weight, I'd have hoped it would be one of the first to undo itself as I lost weight, but no - my shape remains largely the same, just smaller, I guess - I assume, because my clothing sizes are smaller.) I can tell I'm going to have to lose a lot more fat before the belly begins to approximate a normal midsection - in fact I may just have to go "all the way."

The other indication is, of course, knowing that - without a meal plan, I have not lost my internal eating habits. I love sweets, and want extra portions of them, and extra portions of mashed potatoes with butter, etc... Without a plan I'm lost, and I want to have plenty of "wiggle-room" to regain a little bit as I learn to maintain my weight loss.

So I am thinking about - when I get to 220, setting a new goal for 195. This will bring me down to under 200 pounds (obviously) for the first time since high school, and also bring me down to just being "overweight" and not obese anymore. And then I can take stock again and decide what to do next.

So, that's not a plan, that's just a thought. I reserve the right to hold off on setting new goals until I actually reach my current goal, which is still 14 pounds and 7 weeks away.



SOOOOO, 50 pounds in 5 months. Just a recap - here's how I've done it. (This is, after all, the point of the blog, right?)

In March, my Dad decided to quit smoking. In support of his efforts I quit chocolate for a month. Before, chocolate was probably a daily habit. If I ever skipped a day of chocolate, it was an accident. Resisting chocolate and my daily convenience store/drugstore stops for chocolate was difficult, but whenever I was tempted I thought about my poor Daddy who couldn't smoke even just one cigarette, and that pushed me to stick to it. After a couple weeks of that, it got easier to keep away from the chocolate. (Dad did quit smoking for a few months, but spent the whole time complaining about being unable to write, which he never really did all that much anyway, he plays computer games more than he writes - but anyway, he DECIDED to start smoking again. It's his life.)

Anyway - after trying to take a decent photo of myself to post as a Facebook avatar, and several weeks of not being able to even wear pants properly due to the misshapen quality of my waist, something clicked past the breaking point and I'd had enough. I decided to submit myself to the demands of ediets meal plans. I would eat exactly what they told me to and if I lost weight, then great, and if I didn't, it was their fault. I signed up at ediets.com, got my first meal plan, did the grocery shopping and began preparing my meals at home (instead of eating every meal from a restaurant as I'd been doing before.) Packing them in tupperware and carrying them to work. Washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen became a new burden in my life every day.

When they brought cookies to work, I didn't have any. When my roommate made brownies, I didn't have any. When they provided lunch for us at work, I didn't have any. When we had meetings at coffeehouses, I didn't have any coffee (because I like it with milk.) When my family and friends wanted to go out to dinner, I said no or suggested other non-caloric activities. When I went camping I packed 2 days worth of meal plan to take with me. When offered beer or wine, I refuse. When I want to go to a bar or club and have some drinks, I just don't. I said to myself "No, I am tired of being ugly, I have to go through this time without to change."

Every week I spend about $130 at the grocery store, and every week I throw out meat and produce that has gone bad because I have to buy more at one time than I can use before it goes bad.

The meal plan keeps me moderate and satisfied. I feel no need to eat more than what's on the meal plan. I don't feel restricted because I know there's another delicious meal coming up soon. I get to pick the meals that I like.

While I do sometimes exercise, I don't keep up a regular schedule and my exercise usually is not motivated by my desire to lose weight but by other health/appearance concerns so I do not consider it part of my weight loss plan.

While I have lost weight following the ediets meal plans, I have not really changed my natural eating habits and inclinations, and I have not learned to go it alone yet. However, it was more important to me to definitely lose weight first, and then learn to keep it off later. That will definitely be the hard part. The rest has been easy.

OH, and I have to say to you guys - look, I may complain about my scale readings at times, but don't worry, they don't stab at my very core or anything. I take every loss, gain, and plateau as part of the process. I mean, yeah, I stayed at 240 a very long time, but I also had two interruptions in the diet process during that time. I am glad to see the scale go down again. I'm SO looking forward to weigh-in tomorrow!! :-)

Thursday, August 27, 2009

August 27


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

August 25, 236.5

My eyes are a bit too bleary to really read the scale very well, but I'm calling it 236.5 today. A new low on the journey, and BMI is now under 35. Yay!

Signs of weight loss

It's evening. Very sleepy. Long day, not enough sleep. Pulled myself away from internet poker to shower. Naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I shimmied. My fat - on my belly and my bum and thighs - jiggled. As if there was a hollow in there. I used to be plump and full, now I'm hollowing out perhaps.

Though it's not my time of day for a legit weigh-in (after sleep) I stepped on the scale. Three times. The readings were as high as 238 and as low as 236. Very exciting! I can't wait to stand on the scale tomorrow morning! If I weigh 240 in the morning, though, I might have to break something.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

August 23, 240

Totally unfair! There's no good excuse for my scale to have gone up to 240!! I thought I was out of the 240s. ::pout::


Yesterday I didn't have the ability to move. Unloading the dishwasher was beyond my capacity. I lounged, then changed position and lounged some more, feeling my body's ails from the day before. I obeyed the meal plan, eating less of the dinner than required because I was sooo tired, it was so late, and I was not hungry. So I didn't expect to awaken today and weigh more than yesterday. If I had to make an excuse, I'd say that my body sucked up all the food I ate yesterday in building new muscle tissue with all that aching and soreness.


Today my body still hurts, but maybe not as much. I will wear the back brace my Dad gave me and stick to the meal plan again.


In other, non-scale indiciators - my hands have been feeling things again. They feel my rib cage and an apparent slimming in my back above my hips.


This week I have to adhere to the meal plan precisely. If I don't lose weight by the end of this week, hopefully I'll have the option to reduce my calories. This 240 nonsense, though I know I'm responsible for it with those two weekend trips, but it has finally outlived its welcome.


Although, the truth is - I'm sitting here at 240 and feeling way way better than I did at 285. I achieved what I set out to do, really, which was to not be the way I was at 285 anymore. I could be happy at 240. The only thing about that is, as long as I have the momentum to lose weight, I wanted to get down to slim for once in my life. 180 or something. Just to see me that way, to feel it, just to experience the exotic - to have a waist.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

August 22, 239

I'm back in the 230's, again, but this time there will be no returning to the 240s.

Yesterday I worked all day at the Arena as local crew for a touring rock show - load-in was 7AM to 4PM, I must have walked 10 miles over mostly cement floors; then I ran spot for the show (standing, but bending over, physically uncomfortable for 2 1/2 hours.) Then load out until 2AM - another several miles of walking on that cement floor, and my hip flexors started to give out on me.

Today I have pain in my hip flexors and back (if I'm standing) but my ankles seem to be getting better. I also have menstrual onset pain. These are also plenty good reasons to see a reduction in the scale.

I feel a need to psychically rededicate myself while I feel myself get back in the diet rhythm. I am SO looking forward to hitting 235 and below, now!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Chocolate

So.

Before leaving for my out-of-town trip, I had a craving for chocolate which I (guiltily) gave in to, by purchasing the smallest chunk of chocolate I could find, a regular hershey bar, eating a third of it, and throwing the rest out.

After which I discovered that my craving was satisfied. I was very proud of myself after that!

And then this past weekend happened. I tried a little bit to monitor what went into my mouth, but there were too many exceptions - rocky road fudge from the candy factory on River St., the worst pecan pie ever from another restaurant on River St., a couple of truffles from the Russell Stover store.

Yesterday I was supposed to be back on my plan, but that box of Russell Stover chocolate covered molasses chews kept calling to me and I did not have the stuff to restrain myself. No amount of telling myself I'd had enough was enough - every one I ate made me want to eat 3 more. I watched myself binging - feeling helpless to stop. And some outside observer could just say "Stop yourself, you're in control." So why couldn't I stop myself? Did I not totally want to stop, even when the candy stopped tasting as good?

This is change from before the trip, when chocolate and sweets could sit in my cabinet or freezer undisturbed indefinitely, probably because my system was more balanced by the diet, I didn't crave them, and because I was in the habit of avoiding and saying no to sweets.

So somewhere over the past 5 days a change has happened in my body that made me unable to resist again.

So, oh that sucks.

The box of chocolates is gone - I threw it away at one point with a very few chocolates left in it. Last night I went to visit my parents and when I came back I was supposed to make dinner but I was tired and also still relatively undesirous of food, which I realized was probably due to the molasses chew binge. I went to bed without dinner.

This morning I had a positively delectable breakfast of a turkey-bacon-tomato-cheese-English muffin and grape nuts with blueberries and cherries. I'm still 240.5. I'm back "on." I have 20 pounds to lose to reach my long-term goal. And I want to find a book to help me consider how to overcome my problems with overindulgence. A spiritual (a la Buddhism) take might be helpful. Then again, Buddha had a weight problem - haha - if those statues are to be believed! :-)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

August 19, 240.5

I am back from my trip. I stayed gone longer than I thought I was going to. I was not on a diet at all. I ate candy and did not track or monitor or moderate eating. Again, makes me worry that I'm not going to be able to maintain on my own, without the meal plan. The thing is, I think it's easier to stick to a plan when you're working. Special occasions call for "special occasion" eating. You can't go to the beach and not get the captain's platter because you love oysters and scallops and fish and that's the only way you'll get all 3. When you're working, it's not a "special occasion."

I knew I was in trouble when I ran across the Russell Stover store in South Carolina. I bought a whole box of maple chews. I finally opened the box yesterday and ate several last night, in a "better eat them now while I'm not officially on the diet."

So... yeah. I may have to get some professional guidance on how to self-regulate my eating, when the time comes.

But frankly, I'm looking forward to returning to the meal plan. I wonder, though, how much of my food has gone bad since I left 5 days ago...

I'm up to 240.5 - not bad really -could have been worse. I'm glad I got down to 237 before I left!

Had a great time! So glad I left - I was feeling the need for adventure, and this helped to satusify it, until I have enough money saved for my next great adventure.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

August 15, 237







Down to 237 for weigh in. It brings my BMI down to 35. I took measurements, which I haven't done for weeks because I wasn't at home or near a measuring tape on check-in day any time recently. Measurements showed reductions all around except for forearm, which remains steadfastly at 12". Hope some day it reduces. Today's weigh-in makes me feel better overall about leaving town and freeing myself from the meal plan. NOT to have a cheat day, though - not until I make specific plans and decisions about what to do on cheat day. That's just important. But I'm thinking of driving out of town and by the time I reach Savannah it will be evening already. So I may have to go a little while on my own without meal plan food. My intention is to stay sensible, although I also am thinking of dining at restaurants and coffeehouses - so we'll see how it goes. Summer is running out and I've been going pretty steady on this thing since April. Not just due to the diet, but just in general, I need to make an impromptu trip - I need to look around and be somewhere ELSE - where nothing's the same and no one knows me, and I'm there because I took upon myself the freedom to own my own life and go wherever I want whenever I want because I'm not in chains shackled to these coordinates. I just want to see some live oaks and spanish moss. :-)






Friday, August 14, 2009

continued...


I wanted to show this. The long straight line is my original goal date set by ediets in the very beginning - 10/24. Despite my angst-ridden plateaus and that sudden drop of 10 pounds in 2 weeks, I'm still on schedule. Ha.
Still, I am soooo happy to see 238! I must plan my cheat day! I must have a good one! An Indian restaurant and some chocolate chip cookies.
Pain has subsided some and I'm looking ahead to an elliptical trainer.

August 14, 238

Woo hoo, I'm down to 238 today! I am glad to see it. Could be muscle loss due to the lack of exercise over the past week. I'm ready to exercise today, except that I am in such pain.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

August 11, 239

239 today. This is a good sign. I provisionally restore a wee bitty bit of faith and confidence.

I have lots of work for today and tomorrow, so I need my meal plan to be a little automatic. Savannah will have to be put off. I won't write paragraphs and paragraphs when all I have to say is that I weigh 239 today, the lowest weight in this process since I started 4 1/2 months ago, and seeming to indicate a possible break in my 3 weeks at 240.

Oh! I practiced a couple of moves from bellydance - ha! they will take some more practice. It does seem like if I do these moves properly I will improve in my upper abdomen.

Speaking of which - I'm actually tempted to buy one of those abdominal belts - the ones that send electrical pulses into your abdominals to make them tighten. I just wonder - if there's too much fat over my abdominal muscles for the belt to work them properly. If they even work in the first place. And if it were nearly free.

Monday, August 10, 2009

August 10, 239.9

Today, finally I seem to be back below 240, by a sliver. I must have stood on the scale 30 times when I got up today because it was so close to 240 and I didn't want to report that I was finally under 240 if I wasn't. If I am, then it's just barely. A week it took me to lose the 5 pounds I gained last weekend. Still want to hold off on the cheat day until I get to 238 because God knows I don't want to lose these same five pounds AGAIN!

Fat[Free]Me posted the other day about fear of failure. I don't necessarily relate to the fear of failure to lose weight - after all I've been fat my whole life so I know how to live with that -, but what I've got from the experience of the past week or so is a weakened faith. My blog title is the very confidently-named "For Real This Time" and yet, I feel like I'm not losing weight anymore. But I'm not really scared of not losing weight - I'm scared of losing it and then gaining it back! I just think it's going to be too easy to regain. I know I'm feeling like "Am I going to be eating like this forever, on this stringent meal plan, no restaurants ever again, no impromptu eating, etc...?" I think of my skinny friends and how they take that kind of lifestyle for granted. I'm glad I lived that way when I needed to and wanted to, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in self-imposed weight-loss prison, in my 4-walled tupperware world. I figure that's what Cheat Day helps to combat, but I don't feel like I've had a quality Cheat Day in a long time, so that's another reason to hope for 238 to get here sooner than later!!

I'm thinking about taking a trip to Savannah - maybe a day trip. I think doing something like that will reinstate for me a sense (whether false or true) of ownership of my life, which would hopefully bring positive strength back to this meal plan.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not REALLY suffering a LOT - just a little bit for a long time without a break.

Still waiting for my waist to reduce, will it ever?? I tried on my new purple dress, the one made for short girls (I'm pretty tall) and it does look good but that belly does poke out. It's over a month until the awards ceremony, when some girlfriends are going to make me dress up and go out because an awards show is their idea of fun (not mine - unlike them, I am not into group socializing and, unlike them, I'll be nominated which means it's a higher-stakes spotlight's-on-Hallie kinda thing.)

Need to go back to the gym and lift weights again so as not to lose ground - but I seem to be sort of sick and have been for about a week and it just kinda got a little worse - I'd like it to go away.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get on the whiners' bandwagon - there were a lot of emotional blogs in my reading list lately.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

August 8, 240

Saturday weigh-in - 240 - for a 3rd straight week, still not down to the 230s.

Ways I have become lax -
- this isn't a change, really, but I allow myself more fruit than prescribed - may have to be stricter
- the glycemic plan I'm on directs one to eat on a certain schedule spread out through the day - to maintain blood glucose levels to prevent low-sugar splurges. I've tended to crunch those meals together - holding off on breakfast until later is what tends to lead to it. I don't imagine that the timing is really that important as long as you don't ingest more calories by the end of the day. Still, maybe I should observe the schedule more closely to feel more subjected to and obedient to the meal plan. I dunno.
- Maybe skipping meals and not skipping meals is contributing. I still don't want to intentionally skip meals, though, if the meal plan says I should eat.


A fellow 'beesey (obese person) expressed to me that I looked "amazing" (she's new in my life and never saw me before when I weighed less) and that she was jealous. Though I initially felt like hiding from the compliment (I just don't like to directly face judgement, even positive, in such tender spots) I immediately recognized that she had given a very admirable compliment in a very kind way - even the part about being "jealous" was delivered more as a friendly cheery statement to me than a sign of bitterness. Mostly to be considerate and reciprocal, I attempted to neutralize my initial quiet ducking response and be gracious in return.

On the other hand, my mother's been sending out all these pictures from last weekend's family reunion, and in almost all of them, I clearly do not look like I'd like to look. I look at the pictures and think - "That is supposed to be a great difference, willowy, not a blob?" I look horrible.

I remember it was only about 5 years ago that I got my first camera phone, which pre-dated even my first digital camera. I remember I took a lot of pictures of myself with it, from many angles. I realize now that this was the beginning of a new era. More photographs available, posted online on social networking sites. Pictures didin't cost anything, so photographers could take photos more haphazardly without regard for whether they'd turn out okay. Suddenly you're shown in photographic form, unposed, repeatedly. Then there's the self-taken pictures, and who didn't learn to take the ol' Myspace photo with the high camera angle to hide chin fat and make your eyes look bigger and younger... I took thousands of pictures of myself and only about 5% were tolerable.

Even when the mirror looks okay, like it generally does these days, photographs are horrid. Now I have to aim not only to look better in real life, but also in photos, or more to the point - 'pics'.

Okay - SURELY this week I'll get down into the 230s. I am thinking about being able to take a cheat day some day soon, and planning for what I want to do for myself on the cheat day, but after 3 weeks on a plateau, I feel like I want to try to hit a safe 238 first. We'll see how things look after a couple days. I'm considering an impromptu road trip to Savannah, an Indian buffet, chocolate chip cookies and Russel Stover and Cadbury fruit and nut. I also haven't had Chinese takeout since I started this thing in March. Not that Chinese takeout is one of my great urges - but I haven't had ANY!

I also haven't been to Wendy's or Cookout. I have had McDonald's and Subway, but not Wendy's. I had grown tired of Wendy's, but it was still a fairly regular thing.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

August 6, 240.2. Jogging

Still a sliver above 240, two days left until weigh-in, when I hope to be at least a sliver below 240.

My sides are sore from yesterday's yoga, and I noticed the backs of my legs seemed to have tightened up. I was feeling so physically prepared and eager to exercise. I won't say I felt more energetic so much as less heavy and sluggish - I feel like gravity's doesn't affect my legs so much. I thought about doing yoga again, but instead wound up doing a bit of jogging. I actually hate going down stairs as much or more as going up stairs, but going down the stairs today I really felt more physically fit, more free from gravity, light and airy (comparatively, of course!)

I set out on a walk - I expected the weather to be hot and humid judging from the Facebook status updates of my fellow townies, but I just thought it was a fine summer day - hot and only slightly humid, but not at all overwhelming. I don't know when I developed this greater tolerance for heat and humidity compared to the rest of my society. I used to be a winter girl - now I prefer the lively heat of summer to the deadly cold of winter.

I live at the bottom of a big hill, so the route in my complex tends to be - up the big hill, over a short flat way, down the big hill, and back over a short flat way. I noticed that going up the hill, which was always a real struggle, was hardly a struggle at all. When I got back to the bottom of the hill, I decided to try my jogging. About a year ago I was doing some jogging and had actually built up to something, I don't actually remember how much. I feel like this morning I could easily have done two laps - almost half a mile - but I only did one because experience reminds me that jogging puts great strain on various parts of the body and they may not give you a sign of it until later, so you must take it slow - that's my opinion and my experience. I'm sure my plantar fasciitis of 2005 was made much worse by the fact that I was so abruptly stopped from my jogging routine of over a mile. At around 260 pounds, I believe, maybe more.

My breathing did begin to get rhythmic and deep, and I did spit out a layer of mucusy film that tends to come up from my lungs when I get jogging breath - a good sign that I'm cleaning out my lungs. But all in all it was a very easy "workout" - a simple short walk for 1 lap, a jog for 1 lap, another walk for 1 lap.

See, my brother has decided to start jogging recently, and he did so (he described it as 'pathetic' - he's never really had obesity issues and is quite skinny right now (despite what his cheeks would lead you to believe) but he's a heavy smoker and drinker and has never really attended to his physical health very much, so it's a bit of a surprise for me, a pleasant one as I always tried to encourage him into exercise to battle his depression when exercise was doing such good things for me in my 20s.

So, anyway, he inspired me, on top of just feeling so physically capable today.

The other thing about the jog... though it felt like a minor jog... I felt menstrual afterwards, and remembered that a hard jogging/running session often wound up with me feeling menstrual. I didn't remember whether this was actually a sign that I was pre-menstrual though. I've typically been irregular so I'm never really paying attention to when my period's supposed to come. But, the positive thought associated with this is that I could simply be on a pre-menstrual plateau, and once I get my period, the scale will start to really drop again. (Isn't that what happened when I abruptly dropped from 250 to 240? Can't remember.)

I've always loved jogging, and my feet didn't bother me at all! It's a great time to start jogging again - warm summer, pleasant fall approaches. If I intend to jog in the winter, though, I need to buy some clothes. Which is not a pleasant thought considering I'm NOT MAKING ANY MONEY!!

Oh, and speaking of that... are my size 20 jeans too baggy in the butt again?

I've noticed a couple people out there - apples, you know. Not overweight, so possibly a sign of what I can expect when I lose weight. Skinny legs and butt, bigger on top. There's only so much you can control and maybe I'm not designed to have a waist - we'll see. We'll just see.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

August 5, 241

So...

I'm beginning to get tired of this 240 thing.

I'm still, of course, sticking to the meal plan and have come back down to 241 since the family reunion. At this point, I just hope to see something in the 230s when I weigh in on Saturday. At this point, I have no plans to change my current plan.

After all, there was that family reunion interruption. I hate that it has interrupted or stalled my weight loss. I also hate that I can't eat as much cake as I want to without losing weight. Wait, where did that come from? Sorry, that was uncalled for.

Also I went to the gym on Monday night to lift weights. Every once in a while I feel my triceps or the deltoids, and Monday night was a good workout session - I worked out everything except the triceps. I should probably go again tomorrow or the next day, even though it could mean a disappointing number on the scale on Saturday.

I had a GREAT yoga session this morning. I made it all the way through the video as far as I ever go, through the and was ready to keep going, but the next pose was "Prayer Pose" which is way too advanced for me. I suppose the next time I make it all the way through to Prayer Pose and am ready to do more, and have time, I should fast-forward past prayer pose, or just practice some other poses for a while, build up strength in my thighs to maintain these lunging poses. There was definite improvement in my forward bend, which I put to use throughout the day picking clutter off the floor and shaving my toes. I love seeing progress with the yoga program. Consistency is the key to results, in yoga, weight training, and everything else. Consistency is the hard part, too.

I decided to take measurements today. Once I finished, I couldn't really see the point. Except, I did seem to notice that there is less lower belly sagging into the hip measurement, so my hip measurement went down some.

As for planning a little booklet of meals for myself to rely on during maintenance, well I haven't got very far. I designed one meal with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but I had a hard time getting enough protein in it to balance the carbohydrates and fat. Eventually I just added an egg white to the meal, and eliminated one of the slices of bread.

I have to go to the grocery store now.

Monday, August 3, 2009

August 3, 245

The fallout from two days of family reunion - 5 pounds gained.

Sure, and most of it's probably just water weight. I could tell I was feeling puffier, isn't that funny? And some of it is probably unreleased waste matter.

After those two days off, it's almost hard to imagine coming back to a meal plan. I even feel a little bit like flying off on an impromptu trip to wherever and damn the cost, and have little interest in returning to contact with my "real" life - the people and activities in it. This can happen to me with a little time away from my real life. And when I came home last night, I did jump right back into the meal plan (hello tomatoes, egg whites and Newman's Own lite red wine vinegar and olive oil dressing) complete with skipping dinner when I was too sleepy to bother with it.

Lunch yesterday was corn dogs, crinkle-cut french fries, and funnel cake fries. For breakfast the first day, I ate a little bit too much overall, and once I had the blue koolaid and once when there were no diet sodas I had a cherry Sun Drop. For the rest of the meals, I remembered to eat with moderation and always piled up the tomatoes and cucumbers on my plate, but the food was prepared and served by the cafeteria workers with whatever methods of preparation they chose.

Between meals, there were snacks like cookies, cakes, and brownies, and without being adherent to any kind of plan or in total control of my own food access, I didn't have the wherewithal or the desire to "say no." I didn't eat myself into oblivion and pig out on the cakes and cookies and brownies, but I allowed myself to have them and sometimes had one or two more than I should have if I hoped not to gain 5 pounds.

Then, on the drive home yesterday afternoon, I bought 2 Hershey's dark chocolate bars and 1 Mr. Goodbar. I had a craving and indulged it while I was still in my off-time.

All in all, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm back up to 245 in only 2 days and I understand that, after an initial reaction of "damn," I'm pretty ok with it. I'll lose it again, especially the water weight, and get back on track.

I did have an extraordinary walk - bursting with energy and motivated by the love of exploring new territory, I pounded away into the North Carolina humidity and countryside and had a great walk.

As I tried to sit back and observe myself this weekend, wondering how much of my eating behavior was merely the result of being relieved from restriction and how moderate I could be - I'm thinking ahead to the time that I have to maintain weight loss, still not sure how that's going to happen.

Things that are running through my head when I think ahead to maintenance are -

- know how many calories you are to eat to maintain. this may take a few weeks to discover

- have a list of meals I regularly eat. Design these meals to have the right amount of proteins, fats, and carbs and limited sugars to help control appetite. Have the ingredients for these meals stocked at all times.

- have a list of meals I can eat out if I find myself out and needing to eat.

- I think about having a calorie-count book at home and in the car to reference. On the other hand, I don't feel like I want to be counting calories my whole life - eventually I want to be able to get away with that.

- live relatively carefully on auto-pilot for a while and only allow sweets once per week. When I've gained 5-10 pounds, go back on the diet. Never gain more than 10 pounds.

My first major goal weight is 220. Supposedly going to achieve it in October. So some time between now and then, I need to prepare this little book of recipes for me to live by. I guess I'll be working on that.

Another thing, the closer I get to 220, the more I feel like that's not even going to sort of be enough for me to see the kind of changes I want to see. But 220 is a point that is lower than any set point I've had in a long time, so I will have a little rest stop there and let my body get used to being settled there. (Like taking a break as you go deep-sea diving to let your body get used to the pressure, or as you climb Mt. Everest to let your body get used to the oxygen.)

When I do decide to lose beyond 220, I'll probably update my plan to involve more physical body-training and toning. Maybe I'll head for 180 after that, and see how 180 looks and feels on me.

This is all just thinking ahead though. For right now, I am still:

* following the ediets meal plan to 220 pounds
* weight-training to maintain muscle mass
* yoga to increase flexibility, strength, mind-body connection, and mental focus
* developing a list of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks to live on and have accessible during maintenance mode.

I have to make an assignment list for myself for this week today. Perhaps I'll post it here later.

UPDATE: See, just an hour or so later and I'm already down to 243.5. Doing okay.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

mortified

My Dad just sat down with me and my cousins and brother and said in front of everyone - "You look so good." I did NOT want this conversation. My cousin politely said "You do look good." I've noticed a few people have said it to me as a greeting since I got here, but no specifics were given. Dad goes on, "I was watching you walk around, you look long and willowy, not like a blob." "I want to go for a walk," I said, and the subject was vaporized.

I hope I don't have to endure a lot of that kind of thing.

I ate too much when I realized there was strawberry cream cheese, I got another half bagel to put the cream cheese on. I didn't have to eat the whole thing, I could have just tasted it.

So I just typed in my official weigh-in as yesterday's 240, which is actually a 0.5 pound loss from last week's official weigh-in. I had forgot that 0.5 pounds. Anticipated goal date of 220 still scheduled for October 10, though the results of this weekend may destroy that, who knows.