For Real This Time!

245

2011-08-06T10:11:00.002-04:00

I seem to have settled around 240-245, haven't I?

My focus isn't on dieting so much right now. It's on money. Credit card bill came and I didn't have any money in checking to pay it. I had some illness earlier this summer and some unfortunate scheduling matters prevented me from getting much/any work for a few weeks. I also got health insurance and a new laptop so far this year. Somewhere in the mix, my financial situation has depleted, so I've gone on a financial diet. I pay my bills and allow myself $100 per week for groceries and other discretionary spending. I started this thing by calling a halt to restaurants (I was eating nearly every meal at a restaurant), coffee shops (I was passing time by going to coffee shops and reading, and I'd buy a beverage while there), movies and DVD rentals, the odd 16-oz soda (I can drink water for free) and even restricting my driving so that I don't use up gas unnecessarily. I've also been taking all the work that comes to me, which basically means I go and spend hot horrible humid days from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. doing these rock and roll shows and its very physically taxing but the good thing is that they cater! Still, even as I try to hope that the money I'm making and not spending will make a difference the next time I have bills to pay, I face a car that needs repair (hopefully only $50), a laptop that needs repair (about $250) and everything is breaking and falling apart (need new frying pan, and new DVD/VCR player) and there's a beach trip coming up that I've promised to go to, before I knew just how bad things were going to be for me financially.

Anyway, the way this relates to my current relationship with food. A couple years ago I transitioned from eating out at restaurants and picking up candy and drinks from convenience stores and drinking out at bars, to eating on a meal plan which often called for me to buy more perishable foods than I was scheduled to eat, and pricey ingredients to fit whatever the meal plan called for. At the start I remember thinking I was willing to pay whatever they asked me to and I would submit to their plan. My roommate said "I don't know how you afford it" and I said "It's not ideal" but the truth is it didn't kill me. Berries are expensive but they were so worth it to me. I didn't go into the poorhouse. Although looking at the graph of my net worth over time, I've been gradually getting poorer all along, getting a boost in Jan 2010 from work or inheritance or something. Why did I not really notice it before now?

So now I'm living like most people already have at least once or twice in their lives, if not habitually. And I'm learning what to eat this way. The food may not be much different but the methodology is. Try to make sure I have some proteins and good carbs and fruits and vegetables to choose from. Then you can make a meal that mixes these things - eggs and grits with toast and fruit - fish and rice stew with celery and carrots. I have some cottage cheese in the fridge that needs to be eaten, what can I mix it with? Well I have some pineapples and some sliced almonds, that could be good. I've reconnected with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I haven't even checked to see how many calories it is, I just eat it sometimes. That goes for cereal too. Once a week I go to the grocery store and get myself something sweet (brownies or something) and a good special protein like chicken or steak.

I know this sounds funny to those of you who have always eaten this way. For me it sort of takes me back to my high school days, eating after school like I did. Bowl of cereal, can of soup, tomato sandwich... but with more protein, probably.

I have been quite inactive this summer except at work, which can be very active, or at least physically taxing. After three days of that mess, Thursday I soaked in the tub and applied lotion to my whole body (unusual in summer for me) and Friday I took my sore and limber body and did a very very gentle (wimpy) yoga session that limbered me up enough to do the warm-up section of my normal yoga DVD this morning. Miss yoga SO MUCH! And if I'm not trying to get all cardiovascular, yoga is SO GREAT!

248

2011-06-20T14:10:00.004-04:00

This week, I thought I was going to be unemployed and be able to focus on my diet and getting regulated. Instead, I got a job all week and it was wonderful but I lost focus and regulation on my diet and plans for exercise went out the window. I earned money, got some reading done, and got to see some of my favorite people this week, so all is not lost. But I got on the scale this morning and weighed 250 (a couple hours later it was 248).

A long time ago I started allowing myself to break from the stringent restrictions just a little bit, and since losing 80 pounds was so easy, I figured it would be easy enough to get back on plan when I reached a certain weight I didn't want to get back above. I remember that weight being 215, 218, 225..., and months and months later I'm almost 250 and craving sweets multiple times per day.

It makes for an uninspiring blog. So I won't be publishing any more until I see some success, if I ever see success again, and I do intend to, but I don't see the point in publishing endless dodohead posts. I didn't get into the weight loss blogging for support, but to inspire others as I had been inspired.

Speaking of inspiration - some friends of mine have been losing weight. While my pants get tighter and tighter and I have fewer and fewer tops that fit, as I continue to stifle myself in the romance department because I am beating myself up inside about how I don't measure up to the minimum standard, facebook status updates are rife with people who lost that 20 pounds. (Of course, no one posts when they gain it back...)

When I start losing again, I will come back and tell you how I did it. Until then, happy losing, keep up the good fight!

(PS As for the Synthroid, it's hard to tell if it's having much effect - or the right effects - the effects I'd hoped for or other effects... I feel a little less mentally confused but then again I've had some time off and I'm not challenging my brain too much anyway. My metabolism still ain't much to write home about either.)

240

2011-06-07T10:42:00.002-04:00

Hey. So, thanks to strep throat, my scale readings went down from 245. I started antibiotics last night and Synthroid this morning, so hopefully I will be well enough and energetic enough soon to really make a go of it back at the gym soon! I am really curious as to how this synthroid will affect me - metabolism, weight, energy, mental acuity, memory, clarity, effectiveness, focus... Maybe I'm just hoping for a magic pill to make everything better. Not that I asked for Synthroid - it was foisted upon me against my wishes. And I'm still uncertain about taking it (although my 'doc' seemed very adamant that I should take it asap, sooner rather than later, when I saw her yesterday and told her that I had held off on taking the first pill because of the strep.) But reading about the possible results of taking the drug does have me wondering if it will effectively be the answer to all my problems.

So, looking for cargo shorts to wear to work is difficult. I went to Old Navy but no luck. I finally found a merchandiser called Grainger that sells black cargo shorts for plus-sized women. Even then, choosing a size is something I'm apathetic about. Do I err on the side of too big in case I gain weight and need them to be bigger? Or do I err on the side of too small in case I lose weight? What size am I? What size am I going to be? It was a $50 pair of shorts for work. Hopefully fairly baggy shorts for work- imagine the challenge of choosing a size for a corset and lingerie and leather. We're doing a production of Rocky Horror soon and I'm kind of excited about having an excuse to dress in a bustier or some kind of outfit involving a bust and garters - in public. There are a ton of options online and it's hard enough to know what to choose, let alone what size to pick. Of course most of these garments are expensive. I would enjoy dressing to fit the part of Rocky audience member (not so much cast member) but my natural style is more Victorian, Edwardian, flower girl soft. I like a lot of the pin-striped stuff which I think would work for Rocky Horror, but I don't think pinstripes will do well with my bulges and crevices. Plain black leather is probably what would be best. It would be best to find something versatile - something that works for Rocky Horror and for me and can be worn underneath or as outerwear. Then use accessories to change the vibe as needed. And I'm thinking, instead of fishnets, just solid sheer thigh-highs (if I can get any to come up high enough on my long thick legs!) I actually liked the white - although striped ones would be pretty funky too. Honestly, I've been wanting to update my lingerie options for a long time, but not knowing what size to buy, and feeling like I can't afford it, has held me back for a long time. Now I have a real external reason to do it, even though I can't afford it now even more than ever, maybe I can worry about that later...

I do actually have a corset already - one that I historically did and didn't like - it's pretty commonly espied in a google search for plus-size corsets, even still. It's red jacquard with a sheer black lace panel in front (partially exposing my belly, something I was sorta apathetic about) but it really makes me look pretty hot (at my current size, the ties in back actually close up a lot more than they did when I first got it) and even makes me wonder why I worry about losing weight. But it doesn't seem right for Rocky Horror...

So how's that been for a weight loss blog entry? My doorbell's ringing - never a good sign.

245 ugh

2011-06-05T06:01:00.002-04:00

My show has previewed. I'm all but done with it. I woke up yesterday morning, my first day off, with a scratchy tingly sensation in my throat which I hoped would dissolve away if I got up and moved around, but instead the longer I was out and about, the more my discomfort grew. The first day off-duty and I got sick. I didn't feel like I was pounding myself into the ground on this one, most of the time. Sleeping in, seemingly beyond my control to push myself up and out the door, I worked late nights. I did not take time to pack meals. I didn't know when I'd be awake or asleep and was confused about when that would mean I'd eat breakfast or dinner. But mostly, I used comfort food. There were many days in a row there that I ate a LOT, careening willingly into one of those Meredith Baxter Birney binges, using food to escape stress, eating junk food and fast food because that's what was available... I felt some relief at seeing that, as the stress of the deadline passed, my appetite restored to something far more moderate and normal.

Now the show is all but open, it's in previews, and I haven't yet started taking on new work. I need to focus on myself for a hot minute before I go to the next thing. Yesterday I managed to get some cleaning and administrative stuff done. Then I went out to shop for some pants to work in this summer - I really want some pants, capris, or shorts with big extra pockets. Everywhere I went I saw people wearing shorts and pants like this, yet I couldn't find any for me. So I think I'm going to actually order online - which I hate, I've never yet kept a garment that I've ordered from the internet, it's just been a pain to have to return, and get a refund but pay for postage.

So anyway, this morning I weigh 245, which is the maximum I've seen over the past week. 245! 245!! That really makes me feel awful, really. I thought I might weigh less after not eating so much the past day and over the past days and after peeing so much since last night. I would love to exercise, but the swelling in my throat tells me it's probably not a good idea to exert myself right now. >:-P Nevertheless, I will create another week's meal plan and make some plans.

update - good news and bad news

2011-05-29T01:10:00.002-04:00

Good news first - Driving along, my biceps popped out and got all in my way, which is to say I noticed them and they seemed harder, bigger. So maybe my earlier speculation that I had built some welcome mass was true.

Now the bad news - This lighting design has overwhelmed my ability to manage myself at all, including meals. Everything is undone, again, will have to start over, next week or something.

Trying to remember now how it was that I was previously able to push aside performance anxiety on a lighting design deadline enough to manage my meals. ::siiiiigh:

:-/

2011-05-25T22:42:00.003-04:00

I was disappointed by this "morning's" scale read - still no weight lost since I started back. Granted that I haven't been perfect, and a couple days ago I was exceptionally unperfect, which was then explained by the onset of menstruation. I really hoped that after lots of sleep and menstruation I'd finally see the difference on the scale this morning, so I was disappointed.

Here are my thoughts on it...

It could be the weightlifting. I mean, I can actually feel a considerable difference in my muscular readiness to conquer the staircase. Whenever we climb stairs at work I'm always far beyond my coworkers, but that's always the case, even when I'm unhealthy. The way I deal with stairs is to get past them! Lingering on them just prolongs my misery. Anyway, maybe there has been significant muscular weight added.

It could be the cheats. I have not been strictly adherent the way I used to be and wanted to be again. A couple of nights, right before my period, I stopped by the convenience store for a sweets binge. Sometimes I also skipped meals.

It could be all the inactivity. I stay up all night lying in bed playing video games and then sleep, so that's a lot of time lying down.

It could be that I'm scheduled for too many calories. Since I told ediets I was working out 3-5 times a week instead of 1-3 times per week, they upped my calories to 2000-2200 from the 1500-1700 I used to do when I wasn't exercising. For one thing, it's more food prep and more expensive groceries! I always used to cheat a little bit on the size of my fruit servings but since I was losing weight I didn't worry about it. Now if I'm scheduled to eat even more calories, then maybe overestimating my portion sizes is killing my results on the scale.

I'm going to stick with the exercising, and keep up the weightlifting for at least a little longer, but if I don't see a loss on the scale, and my clothes don't start fitting better, and I don't feel little hollows in my body where the fat used to be, I will ask ediets to reduce my calorie budget. And if that doesn't work, I will consult an advisor at the Y and consign myself to his or her advice/program.

I have to believe that this is going to happen for me again, but it just might have to hurt a little bit, and sometimes life distracts my focus.

5 a.m.

2011-05-21T04:47:00.002-04:00

So, I got home from work at 3 a.m., later than I expected. It's now nearly 5 and I'm sleepy and I have not prepared any meals for tomorrow, when I will be gone to work all day. I'm sleepy, and I don't have a plan. Can I choose the right restaurant meals? I am not there yet.

Hopefully tomorrow's the last day this will happen. Maybe in the morning I'll figure something out.

239

2011-05-20T14:22:00.004-04:00

Ok, I am down a little bit. As much as I peed since yesterday, I figured that was a good sign that the scale would show its water retention release. But I'm only down 2 pounds, and that's after skipping a significant chunk of yesterday's calories, though I also did add a berry latte (made from some powdered stuff) at the movie theatre (better than popcorn, anyway, and I didn't drink the whole thing.) There's a lot of food in this week's meals - the meals seem hard to eat for all the crunching on vegetables.

But I'm not going to harp on negatives in this blog. I like vegetables.

I meant to tell you that my doctor called me and told me, not that my cholesterol is bad (it's good) and not that I have diabetes, but that my thyroid is underproducing and she wants to put me on Synthroid. Both my parents are taking Synthroid. It's taken me two weeks to get back to her with a pharmacy to send the drugs to, for various reasons, including that I can't decide how to pick a pharmacy. Does anyone remember me complaining about indecision and confusion and lethargy? I am wondering, actually, if this treatment will result in improvement in those areas. Yet I am also nervous about starting a treatment regimen that will replace my organs at producing my hormones, for the rest of my life. The rest of my life, we hope, is a long long time still, to be taking a pill in the morning and at night. I might do better to just get along with an underactive thyroid like they did back in the day. I would prefer that my doctor talk to me about the drug instead of just give me a call with the name of a syndrome and a prescription that I'm just supposed to start taking. I know I should trust my doctor, too... I couldn't find any (many) thyroid replacement drug horror stories when I looked for them on the internet. There doesn't seem to be a big crusade against it...

Today, I don't feel like exercising. I have to be at work in 7.5 hours and have other things I want to do between now and then. Maybe I'll eventually get inspired to do some exercise. A full session of weightlifting takes me an hour, not including getting to and from the gym and being in the locker room.

I'll tell you what is true for me - it seems like, in order for me to stick to a diet, based on the success I had before, I have to do it with a sort of fatalism. No you can't do that, you have to diet.

I saw "I Am" yesterday and came out from it behaving much more pleasantly to other people. I frequently know this is a part of life where my actions don't match my values, because I believe in community and love, yet I am shy and retiring and never say hello to anyone unless they say hello to me first. The Dalai Lama is so inspiring how he smiles to greet people. It was hard to decide to see the movie because I hadn't ever heard of it, so I checked RottenTomatoes and the critics only had given it 40% good reviews. I'm not 100% behind the math and justifications of the movie, but I was inspired by it all the same. I loved the part that explained that we focus too much on the competitiveness and aggression and the strong-tramples-weak aspect of darwinism and not nearly enough on the cooperative aspects needed for survival.

I also loved this article: The Modern Mind and Social Nature

241

2011-05-19T14:49:00.003-04:00

Ok, so it's only been 2 days, not enough time for me to really rate my commitment success (I mean, how many times have I been 2 days into a diet - way more times than anyone is interested in!) - but I only wanted to express my disappointment that after 2 days there is no weight loss yet. There should have been. Plbthtbth. Ok. Tomorrow, for sure. Meanwhile I'm still exercising. Have I told you I have been back on weightlifting for a couple of weeks? Got tired of feeling unstrong in my muscles. And I lifted weights yesterday. But the mirror shows that my belly is in funhouse mirror extension mode. :-)

If I knew I was going to sleep so late I would have set my alarm. My day off is almost over, and I am destined to be up late tonight. I keep meaning to go to sleep early, but I keep staying up until 4 anyway.

May 7, 237

2011-05-07T15:28:00.002-04:00

I think the lifting weights is helping this week. I manages to get in three full-body weightlifting sessions and followed up with cardio two of those times. Today I skipped the cardio because I need to go celebrate my Mom's bday. Next week I can do cardio in 20 minute increments, but I didn't think I'd be able to get my weightlifting in on my lunch break or dinner break, and I wanted to go ahead and get that muscle build-up started.

There has also been a grand reduction in my uncontrollable cravings. I have had Subway cookies with lunch yesterday, but overall my tendency to swerve into the fast lane has been greatly reduced. No chocolate, no candy. Yesterday when I got coffee I got popcorn as a snack - I have a new particular fondness for popcorn and have been popping it lately (in oil in the fry pan - I don't have an air popper - but my parents have one they never use.......) Anyway, I considered it a moderate choice over the cakes and pastries I would usually prefer to have chosen, and was considering, when I thought - "Meh, I don't really want that all that much, just a little something to tide me over, how many calories are in that popcorn?" It was 150.

So - I don't know why. I haven't started the diet yet, and now I'm wondering if I need to... Probably should. Could be the effect of warmer temperatures having set in, or the angle of the sun to the earth? Who knows. I still feel like I can't catch up on my task list, day in and day out. Silly things. Silly things like shopping for clothes.

So I went and did my clothes shopping last night. I was looking for work pants (preferrably cargo pants, and preferrably full-length so as to protect my shins from scrapes and bruises at work) and jeans for work and for Looking Hot. It was a bit of a nightmare, really, especially when you consider the prices. I found a pair of jeans at Lane Bryant that were not talls but seemed long enough, and if I trim the boot-cut into a straight-leg or taper, it might not matter if they do shrink up a little in the wash. I bought them because I loved what they did from waist to knee. They actually button up above my belly button, allowing me to control that unsightly pouch that burdens my shape. This is absolutely unheard of. But I came home and read reviews that say that within an hour's wear they will be FALLING OFF MY BODY they will stretch so much. I wore them about an hour last night, there was a little stretch but it's hard to imagine that waist panel coming loose.

I also got some capri jeans from Lane Bryant - they looked okay even though capris often make me feel like I look dorky, but at least the length doesn't matter so much - and some skinny jeans (also not talls, but again, doesn't matter as much with skinnies) from Old Navy.

I also got some sundresses from Ross, which is cool because I used to despair as a teen that I was too fat to wear a sundress, and now, I'm still fat, but at least they made some sundresses in my size - although in some cases it feels like they didn't account for large bosoms. I may just have to decide not to care about showing off that much of my arms, shoulders, back and cleavage. All in all, if I'm not trying to convince the world that I'm not fat, the dress is pretty flattering.

I have to go - Mom's waiting.

May 6, 2011 - 239

2011-05-06T12:08:00.004-04:00

I have completely lost track of what's been going on with the diet. Apparently I lost 12 pounds at the beginning of this year, only a couple months ago? Well, I have gained them back and then some. I am the yo-yo. Blame?

my relationship with sweets has a growing nature. I was unable and unwilling to restrain from easter candy this year.

my relationship with Sims and Farmville, which may be taking more hours than I realize from my day, thus sapping my inspiration to take on the tasks of grocery shopping and food packing. I do well with breakfasts, but lunches and dinners throw me.

my lack of a relationship with anyone else. keeps me unenergized about life. I wish there were someone in this world I could be excited to see, some activity in my life that could keep that little spark of excitement alive in my breast and give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Am I willing to change any of the above?

Well, yes, I am willing to cut the sweets. I am figuring that was a major part of my earlier success. Get my cravings under control. Last time I posted, I had started a 3-day "cleanse." At the end of 3 days, though, I had diet sodas and candy and coffee and was starting to feel much better! Then I even played the Sims again. I actually haven't been overdoing the Sims too much. I don't think I love it that much anymore. I was actually almost done with the Sims when my computer blew out a few years ago. I had created a Sim of myself and married and had my own child who was grown and I was endeared to her and wanted to see how things went in her life. But then my computer blew up. I think if I'd had the chance to live my Sim life out, and maybe also hers, I'd have been done, because I know the "game" so well now that it's pretty rote and I play it all the same for every person no matter their personality differences.

Anyway.

I haven't even created a Me Sim yet in this game, but I do have some 2nd generation Sims all grown up and ready to procreate on their own.

Anyway.

Lately I have suffered great confusion of what to do with myself diet-wise and exercise-wise. Diet-wise, wanting to quit ediets, wanting to be somewhat vegetarian, and still popping into restaurants. Exercise-wise, wanting to do the yoga, dance, but thinking that I'm too fat now to have the luxury to rely on those exercises. Also wanting to run but my feet won't let me. Also needing time and motivation to exercise.

So this week has been like this. My home scale hit 242. (At the doctor I was 252 or so, and she confirmed my height is only 5'9 (a blow to my BMI)). My clothing is a sad situation. Most of my 16s and 18s don't fit. I have 2 or 3 pairs of jeans that do fit, and only one has legs long enough. So I go around looking like an idiot with my short wide pants legs flapping against each other. Shopping for jeans remains a nightmare because ready-to-wear likes to deny the existence of tall women. I'm also no great fan of the "boot-cut" (I prefer straight leg) but any tall plus-sized jean out there is boot-cut and that's your choice. Low-waists are also an enemy, because of course my fat upper belly just falls over them. My shape is abominable, but offended even worse by women's clothing.

It's just like it was when I started this thing in 2009(?) - clothing horrors and unable to take a picture of my own face for my Facebook photo.

So I decided that, since after all these years I'm still incompetent to manage my own lunches and dinners (due to my propensity for confusion) I should just go back on the ediets meal plan and continue to spend $17 a month on that service. Even as I type that, I don't want to do it. I want to write my own meal plans or make my meals from the multi-serving foods in the fridge. So already I have confused myself.

On the exercise front, there has been activity. I am lifting weights again. I figure it's good for weight loss and good for strength, and I desire both. Next week I have a lot of very long days, early mornings, late nights, only an hour for lunch an hour for dinner, so I'm not sure how the weight-training will fit in. Or the food-packing.

My goals for today are yoga (I did weight-training and cardio yesterday and need the limbering and all the other benefits of yoga), and to print out a meal plan for the coming week. Possibly more cardio but I also want to go shopping for clothes for me and for Mom and shopping takes a shitload of time, pardon my french, but I do not feel positive about it!

This morning I was 239.

day three - an abandoned post that I decided to publish

2011-04-19T12:51:00.005-04:00

After two days, I've lost 7.5 pounds.

When I got out of bed this morning, I thought my legs looked like old lady legs. I am certain I have lost muscle from what I'm used to from both my thighs and calves. Maybe it's been a fairly rough several months, since I don't know when, but I remember winter was plagued by a new feeling of fear, and then this spring has felt like I was constantly trying to keep up, and I feel tired. Now maybe this is just the result of my current anxiety, but I feel tired and lazy. I don't even wash the dishes anymore - now my roommate washes them of all things. I hesitate to suggest that this lethargy could be a sign of something greater than just laziness and lack of regular exercise. I have my first annual check-up in years coming up and I'm wondering if I should mention a thyroid check? (Last time a doctor checked, maybe about 10 years ago, and I was wondering if there was some chemical wrong with me that might be thyroidic or PCOS since I was overweight, mostly abdominally, fairly hirsute and menstruating irregularly, but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels nor did I seem to have PCOS, although, actually I may not have asked the ultra-sound tech about cysts on my ovaries because I was so caught up in the possibility of having 2 cervixes, as my doctor had suggested.)

Anyway, I can't seem to get caught up and I'm tired and lazy and lethargic and losing muscle.

So on top of my stress level, there was very very palpable hostility from my tech crew today, and I'm having a hard time getting over it. Most of it is coming from the master electrician, who seems to always have something biting and angry to say, I'm scared to say anything lest she get irate about it even though I never realized anyone would interpret it as a reason for offense. In other words, I can tell she is too angry and sensitive in general and try not to take it too personally. Then there are the other two guys on the crew, who are her friends, one of whom in particular doesn't really always seem to know what to think for himself all the time but anyway, if she's angry about something, he might be inclined to line up on her side. As for me, I've pretty much decided I never want to work with her again. I'm doing all I can to be calm and like a balm, I approach her as one might approach an angry tiger, and I am over it.

So if I can't tell my true feelings right now, that's why.

Still eating clean. At the grocery store I was hungry so I bought cheats, but my cheats were comparatively bland - sushi (relatively clean except that some of the fish was treated with carbon monoxide?) but not easy to guess at the nutritional content -

That's where I left off that last one. It reminds me that there was about three weeks that happened recently where I was held hostage by a light plot, and spent my days sitting still, withdrawn into my brain, trying to work, and when I couldn't do more, I escaped into computer games, mindless activity - everything was extreme, especially my anxiety, my inability to sleep through the night (waking up due to anxiety - typically I never wake up before having a full night's sleep...) I probably salved my strained nerves with comfort food too. No wonder I came out of it fat and physically unfit.

day one

2011-04-18T11:35:00.002-04:00

So this morning I weighed fully 5 pounds less than yesterday. I ate only breakfast and lunch yesterday and drank only water and pomegranate-blueberry lite juice. I haven't been hungry, but I just ate today's breakfast because it seemed like a good idea. I guess I need to go to the grocery store because I'm afraid I'm running out of "clean" food. (I mean I have some Lean Cuisines and canned veggies, but... I'm not even sure I should be okay about this juice, and the tablespoon of dried cranberries I had with breakfast are made with added sugar.) I awoke in a swell of anxiety last night and after trying to go back to sleep for an hour, then I tried to get up and face my light plot (sooo scared and confused!) and then my mind stopped working pretty soon after that, and I went back to sleep and wanted to get up this morning, but when I am scared of a deadline, it's like my body physically can't face it. I might feel stronger about it if I drank some coffee, but I started this *thing* and so am not doing coffee. I am sure that I would love to pig out on comfort food if it would numb these feelings of anxiety and give me something else to think about. But I did surprisingly well last night without it. I assume the fact that I got by so well on only 800 calories probably has something to do with how many extra calories I was carrying on me from the previous few days. I wonder if I'd be doing so well at not eating without the anxiety. Anyway, today 235 feels pretty good.

yuck

2011-04-17T21:48:00.004-04:00

Today I started my 3-Day Jump Start. Twelve weeks shortened down to 3 days. I don't know how much that has to do with how bleak and sad I feel tonight. My 3-Day thingy also involves not playing The Sims, but I can still play Farmville and futz around on Facebook, which I have done for a while now adding some pictures and I'm really done. Maybe the only reason I'm here is because I don't know if I want to face this cold, dark, lonely apartment once I"ve closed the laptop. Is this because I reduced my calories - had no coffee or soda, only water and juice? had no candy or fast food, only 800 calories (so far) of clean foods? Is it my body reacting physically to withdrawal? Is it the weather? Is it that it's cold and dark and so so alone? Is it because I'm failing so at this lighting design? The lighting design is taking so much more time than I expected, and even though I turned in a plot on Thursday, my master electrician who is very grousy all the time made me feel like it wasn't good enough, and as I'm redrafting I'm realizing that there are so many uncertainties and unknowns and questions I probably should have asked or realized I was going to need to know the answers to, and I know it's not all my fault - there needed to be way more overhead supervision on this project from the in-house regulars, instead of hiring me at the last minute, but still, I thought I would be done Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... it was due Thursday - and here I was in the theatre for 4 hours yesterday and for 4 hours today and I'm still not done with the plot??? It kills me to think of it.

Then I'm here alone, which is even more alone than usual because my roommate and her boyfriend are housesitting elsewhere. I would have thought I'd enjoy the respite from feeling like they were avoiding me, and I could just enjoy "having the house to myself" but I am not enjoying it, I feel desperately alone, like if they at least were behind that door there would be someone around. Instead it feels like there is no one anywhere in the world. I don't have any friends-- He's online right now but is not being supportive of my new project on Facebook - just making a point of how much of a nobody I am to him. Today's a rotten day for having my validity affirmed.

I'm chatting with my Mom now, hope to feel better. Need to get offline though, into the quiet quiet loneliness of this apartment under the dark cold of outer space. Maybe this is all just the result of cleaning my eating today, or the barometric pressure, or the absence of two living heartbeats, just the clicking, maybe a ticking of a clock and/or the creaking of the walls...

I just realized - I'm about to start my period, probably.

I was at 239.5 pounds this morning. So the fact that I'm wearing these size 16 jeans is a joke. Part of this jump start is really just to clean my mind as well as my eatin habits and help me get to a place where I can get back on track and find the path back to weight loss.

where I am now

2011-04-13T14:18:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking about this blog, really. I just haven't been up to rededicating myself. Not fully. These are the reasons for my downfall:

1) Full on unhealthy addiction to Russell Stover easter candy.

2) Stressful life.

3) I have started playing the Sims 2 again, plus Farmville and City of Wonder on Facebook.

Add to that, I'm not interested, for some reason, in the meal planning at ediets. My financial situation has changed and I'm not sure how that's going to affect me. I bought a new laptop and I got health insurance and I donated until it hurt to Japan tsunami relief and I've been dining out for every meal.

I'm just starting to get to a place of pulling it back together again. I went to a lot of trouble to print up a grocery list from an ediets meal plan, but when I went to the grocery store, I just went to get "a few things" and wound up getting $137 in groceries, from fresh meat and produce to some prepared/frozen/canned/processed foods. And now I'm going to try to live on that sensibly for a while. This will be nice. I think my plan is to quit ediets and maybe subscribe to Cooking Light or something. I shouldn't abandon meal planning, but I shouldn't rely on it either. I need to be able to enter a new phase that allows me to do exotic things like make enough food for a week and live off the leftovers. Eat the food I have here. Today I had a good breakfast and a lunch that was heavier than I realized when I entered it into sparkpeople, because of the potato. And the meal was very filling - a large red boiled potato, boiled mustard greens, and about 4 ounces of some kind of steak. And 5 green olives. Didn't seem like all that much. Anyway, I expect I'll transition to Sparkpeople and if I still have trouble I might try Weight Watchers for a while just for a change, or nutritional help provided by gym or my new health insurance.

I am a lot easier on myself for "failure" than the culture of weight loss typically allows for, but I do get embarrassed when I think of the name of this blog and how it was my driving force - "For real this time." Right now I'm at 236 and no clothes look good on me. When I go to the store, nothing looks good on me. It's spring and I want to dress flirtily and nothing looks good on me, and it's not because of the clothes, it's because of the 'canvas' - my body. I hate wearing jeans because my upper belly hangs out over the waistband - I HATE IT!!! It feels bad. I try girdles, they roll up. My belly feels heavy on me when I jump or run.

And I have been concentrating on getting some exercise almost every day, again, now that things have let up. It's hard because I don't feel like moving, but the weather has been beautiful for nice walks in the park, so there has been some incentive!

So that's where things are. A tentative new start. Just looking for enough mental clarity to make a real new start of it.

And probably I should start checking in on your blogs, too, see where you are and how inspiring your progresses and hardships are.

back up to 233 - Twelve Weeks?

2011-03-15T01:57:00.004-04:00

I feel so fat. Physically fat, and mentally like a fat person. I spill over my jeans in that uncomfortable way that I hated enough to start this thing, and those jeans are too tight for me now. Do I go buy the next highest size? No.

This is the fault of my unreadiness to refuse myself Russell stover chocolate-cream easter eggs. They have 3 flavors I like and I think I need to get myself 2 of each flavor and force the richness into my sick stomach because they taste good. And this is treating myself good?

Of course today my sick stuffed feeling is exacerbated by possible food poisoning from last night. I took a chance on some leftover shrimp, but I think it was just a little too leftover.

This is actually very much how I felt when I started this journey 2 years ago, right about at this time of year. I feel like people are ignoring me and I have no friends and the people I love are not participating in my life. This manifests itself largely on Facebook, but also in my own home. I feel like I could slip away and no one would care, most wouldn't notice. And that's kinda what I did 2 years ago. And I quit chocolate.

Only this time, quitting/reducing things like refined sugar and caffeine take on a new meaning as I wonder what all is going on inside my body, worrying about my heart or the possibility of diabetes or glandular issues.

But guess what - my Dad quit smoking again. I have played with the number 12 weeks in my head - a twelve-week program with things like no chocolate, sticking to the meal plan exactly (though for the sake of my budget I must learn to make substitutions), meeting exercise goals (I have so many I don't know where to start!)

I decided to become active again and changed my meal plan specifications from "exercise 1-3 days a week" to "exercise 3-5 days a week" and guess what - my calories jumped up to 2000-2100 and I'm eating 6 meals a day now (on the Glycemic plan). (My first thought was "ack! too many calories!"; my second was "too expensive!"; and my third was "too much food preparation!") I bought the groceries tonight but by the end of that I was too wiped and sick to think of preparing tomorrow's meals so tomorrow I will rely on restaurants again but I will make good choices. Assuming I'm well enough to go to work tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I should go to sleep.

I signed on for health insurance today. Count me in among the insured! $284 per month! If I knew I could afford that I'd have done a lot more with that money. Clearly I'm going to have to pull back my lifestyle some more or look into ways to make more money. Hopefully I can have some help paying for it from the IATSE stagehands union I work with. Which might mean I'm going to become a stagehand, a real, professional stagehand. In which case, I need some training, and I need to challenge myself more. I have picked up on some hints that some people might be thinking of me as more master electrician material, which amounts to being a crew chief and liaison with some very opinionated professionals. I used to have more gumption about my ability to stand on my own and succeed and command respect, but circumstances and time have led me to a place where I prefer to sit in the background. Anyway, if I am possibly being groomed, I want to be able to face up to meet the challenge with confidence.

So Wednesday, back on plan. Lots of exercise goals. Yesterday I exercised at the gym - I spent 37 or so unsatisfying minutes on a treadmill taking what I thought was a fit test but it didn't work and I just walked 3.4 mph on a flat surface and my heart rate never rose above fat burning but that was okay and my legs did buzz numbly a little from the walking. My ankles are becoming problematic, or have been and I keep trying to hope that that will get better as I stay active... Anyway, after the treadmill I walked through a cardio dance class on my way to what I thought would be running on the track (some sprints) but I decided to stay in the dance class. It was fun but I am not good with steps. I decided I want to be good with steps. I spent all last week working with dancers, watching them dance and I thought I'd like to work myself up to maybe taking an elementary ballet class this summer or something. I definitely want to do more classes.

So today I worked out to Dancing with the Stars Latin Dance Cardio DVD and it - meh. They said I should be burning but I wasn't, until we started squatting. I often couldn't keep up with the footwork but I have some confidence that I can learn that so it comes more naturally with repetition. Sometimes they wanted me to twist faster than I could twist - I wonder what that was about - was it because my thighs are fat or because I need more quick-twitch muscle in my abs? Either way - I hope to be working out a lot more.

have been off, trying a new start

2011-03-06T15:37:00.004-05:00

Strayed off track. So my self-motivational talk of the past few weeks has been just that - talk. No, I'm not going to be hard on myself, I just regret that I can't have my cake and eat it too - that if I'd stuck to it I could weigh less, but I don't weigh less.

What happened was - I got busy at work and didn't have the chance to go to the grocery store. Then I got muddled in my thinking and quit Kingdoms of Camelot but started playing Farmville and City of Wonder and didn't have time to go to the grocery store or plan my meals. Lost in a haze with no room left for the mental capacity to plan ahead.

The fixes - Well, this week I am working in a different location where hopefully I'll be more able to take time for myself. The initial storm of returning to Farmville and City of Wonder has calmed and will have to calm as I devote myself more to this week's work, so I will plant crops that take over a day to come to fruition and leave Farmville for a while. And I must exercise, and I've been saying that for a while. One of the things that's been holding me up is kind of funny when you look at it from the outside - I want to itemize my exercise goals in order to start working on exercising, but I can't find my exercise planner that I started in January.

I have enjoyed Russell Stover easter candy but I didn't like it as much as I wanted to. I have enjoyed KFC Original Recipe but I didn't like it as much as I wanted to. I have been eating in restaurants and candy and overall have been left feeling a bit sludgy and crying out for crisp vegetables like celery! In the mornings I'm still too full from yesterday to care a thing about breakfast.

So for those reasons I'm kind of excited to get back on the meal plan. I figure now that I tried what I was missing and didn't like it too much, I'll be more interested in my home-cooking and non-chocolate choices. But I'm also kind of underenthused about my meal plan this week - couldn't find anything I looked forward to making and eating. Because of my busy schedule, I'm eating Lean Cuisines for a lot of lunches - and I typically prefer to avoid frozen dinners because they are unfulfilling.

I did purchase (with my tons of $$) a Cooking Light and an Eating Healthy (?) magazine. All-in-all I've come to see health & fitness magazines as unproductive and confusing. The cover titles lure you in with "Fabulous ab moves to firm that tummy!" but inside it's just more of the same that you already knew. But anyway, I thought maybe I'd just copy some recipes into my new meal plan book.

I think that's pretty much it on the diet front. I won't touch on all the rest of the crap I *could* write about the last few weeks. Except to say - :-/

Yay 12 pounds down now

2011-02-21T12:21:00.005-05:00

Yay I stood on the scale today and at first it wanted to stop at 225 and that excited me. Then, it worked it was back up to 226, 227. I'm going with 227 because that is still a loss. If I go with 225 I stand a chance of being disappointed again tomorrow.

Yesterday I worked two load-outs, about 5 hours each. My body is sore, especially my legs. I had time before the first one for breakfast, and time between the first and second ones for lunch and snack. By the time I got home from the last one at 3:30 a.m., I was tired and - having already partially prepared dinner and knowing I was going to sleep soon anyway and could go to sleep without eating anything but ought to eat at least some of the dinner I'm prescribed - well I had a tidge of fish and a boiled potato (which was supposed to have been 4-5 ounces of fish and a yogurt-potato salad.) So maybe that's what explains my loss today. Or maybe it's been happening under my water retention all along.

OH! My roommate brought home some cheesecake last night and offered me a piece. I accepted the offer (after initially balking "WHAT? NO!!") but I haven't had it yet.

Cheesecake? Really?

Anyway, day off today. Gotta get a new meal plan and head to the grocery store. Gonna soak my aching muscles and dry, dirty skin in a bath, then we'll just see about some exercise. Some yoga would feel great, but I have to time it so I have an empty stomach.

12 pounds down. 28 long arduous pounds to go to get to 199. 47 to 180.

moving along

2011-02-20T20:22:00.002-05:00

Sooo. Can't remember when I last blogged - a few days ago - but I can see when I last updated my ticker was 6 days ago and it doesn't register the bump up I had to back over 230 calories. Honestly, I can hardly remember what it was. Long days, or leaving the house and forgetting my snack, lead to being left on my own and my free-spirited urges. Oh, yeah, I remember last Wednesday - a long full day and several sweets. 1st a plate of some kind of rich, sweet, buttery chocolatey concoction was placed before me and I resisted for a while, then had one piece, which turned into 3. Then after lunch I went and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie off the tray simply because the opportunity was there (oo, they weren't there for me! basically I was engaging in 'getting away with it' against the foe, authority, and winning a free cookie, but kicking myself in the ass in the process. besides, the cookie sucked.) And the day went on, oh yes, much later I went into a convenience store and they had Cadbury creme eggs on display and I "allowed" myself 2, and a bar of Belgian chocolate. So, the scale went up.

And I think that some time, maybe the next day, there was a Big Mac sandwich. I don't remember the circumstances, I think it was in lieu of the scheduled dinner.

And, as you do, I got back on track on the days I wasn't as busy, and lost weight again, but it's going slow and tentatively like this.

I also haven't been exercising and realize this sucks when I realize how much I don't want to. That's not going to be a good enough excuse next week, though. Although, I have to say, at this point I don't know whether I'll be working next week or not. If a call comes in, I will take it! Otherwise, there will be some regular exercise going on.

So, I'm back on track, except that I'm drinking. And that's working ok for me, as far as I can tell. Until I notice it's a problem for my diet, I will continue to allow myself the wine and liquor. (As a substance, I'm really kind of getting concerned about whether I do have a caffiene issue.) But, like last night, I went to the theatre, I had two full glasses of wine over the course of the evening. And after the play, I wanted to go somewhere and cut loose. Part of me wanted to go to some late-night diner or club for some food, drink, dancing, flashing lights, loud music. These things all go together for me, and these feelings of restlessness can be exacerbated by the cycle, or by life circumstances, or by having 2 full glasses of wine when you're on a diet and so more susceptible to the effects of alcohol (especially the romantic whirl of wine!)

I guess I'm saying... All the time I see people posting that they are fat because they have emotional issues, they eat to self-medicate, food replaces friendships, etc etc etc... I try to see that in myself, that this fat is symptomatic of inner suffering - and I can't. I think I like food. I think it tastes good, feels good going down, and that sometimes those two things are worth more good than the feeling of being stuffed or sick afterward is bad. I think I can get biochemically attached to sugar. I think when I was a kid, in my family, the concept of filling your plate and stuffing yourself at the dinner meal was celebrated. Yes, I did and do have suffering, emotional pain, emotional immaturity - I do and I recognize this and I recognize that sometimes it results in poor behavior choices including poor food choices. But I don't think they are the source for me. I think for me it's going to be about behavior modification, relearning, reading my own biology - crap like that. When I think about my binges, it could be that my emotions, positive OR negative, could be a factor in my "oh fuck it" attitude toward whether or not to eat what I should know that I shouldn't eat, but hope I can just get away with it anyway or just for the moment don't care about whether it makes me fat (god knows at the time that I eat, it's like I've forgotten that food makes you fat, and all I can actually think about is that food tastes and feels good.) It's not to say that for other people it's NOT emotional problems that are causing them to be fat - clearly I can't know that about them. It's just that so many people say that it is for them, that I almost feel like I must be in denial because I'm denying this problem for myself. But if I'm going to be honest, I just don't think that's what it is for me, and if that's the case for me, then maybe it is for other people, too. Maybe for some people it's "learning to forgive yourself and others" or some other similar emotional problem, and then for others of us it's "just a cigar", just a physiological cigar.

title?

2011-02-17T00:03:00.005-05:00

Ugh. My friend

popcorn

2011-02-16T07:04:00.003-05:00

The scale read a pound higher yesterday and today I'm over 230. I was feeling quite put out until I remembered that small popcorn I got at the movie theatre. I was a good girl and didn't add butter, but it was marvelously salted and surely more calories than the cottage cheese and pineapple I had planned to have as a snack.

Not sure how today's going to go, either. I have a long full day and I am set with breakfast, lunch, and snack, but I don't know what's going on after 5:00. Supposedly I get out of work about 5:00. Then I should have time to make dinner before 6:30 which I can pack, then I have a show at 7:30 (after the show there will be free food provided that I will be obliged to watch everyone else enjoy) and then hopefully I don't have to go back to work tonight for a load-out because fatigue and extra hours of wakefulness will suck and not just because of the diet.

I have a bad attitude about having to go in to work today, but I'm looking forward to getting that check!

229

2011-02-14T12:03:00.002-05:00

Oh! Up another pound for today. Haha. Well, I was getting quite used to losing a pound a day. No worries. It's just my body's way of resetting for this next set.

Hope all's well.

another good scale reading today

2011-02-13T12:42:00.004-05:00

Hey, the scale said 228 today. Another pound lost, just like that. Who am I to argue? Judging from my activity yesterday, the secret to weight loss is sitting on the couch from sunup to sundown. Definitely seemed like a wasted day, especially considering the weather, and having the roommate out of town (which never happens).

Sure makes my ticker and weight loss graph look a little better.

Anyway, I won't take up more of your time. I keep waiting for this to get hard, but so far, staying to the meal plan has been real easy this week. If it gets difficult this week, maybe I will do more "convenience plan" stuff.

Feb 12, 229

2011-02-12T14:44:00.002-05:00

It was 9 days ago that I dipped oh-so-briefly under 230 at 229.6, before I got swept away in a tidal wave! It was 5 days ago that I got back in the saddle and set about to lose the weight I'd gained. So that's done, and (for this new 2011 effort) reached a new low and I am 10 pounds down after a month. Ok, I admit it, I'm not *thrilled*. I've achieved 229 before. September 26 2009 is when I first reached 229. That's like a year and a half ago. It can't believe how long it's been, and how long I muddled about non-committally. Not that I'm angry at myself about it, it's just hard to believe it's been that long. I've been off and inconsistent since last April. And 229 seems high to me. I'm sure there will more excitement as I start fitting into my 16s and looking better in my XLs as spring comes in. Getting into the teens I'll start to feel righter. The day I get under 200 pounds will be a big day! I remember it felt like I had to push for a long time to get down from 207 or so down to 201, so I feel a little pessimistic about that. At any rate, today I can say I'm still losing weight, still sticking to the diet day after day, and it hasn't been difficult, thanks to the "convenience" plan with frozen meals and grab-and-go soup with ecologically undesirable packaging. Next week I will spend more time in the kitchen.

Now what I need to do is get back in the exercise thing. It's easy enough to make time to do it when you have the day off! Today I'm feeling sluggish and lethargic, but for the past two days my energy has felt good.

230

2011-02-11T11:59:00.002-05:00

230 again today. Not much to say. My "In the 220s now" post is postponed a bit. Can't lose weight every day. Still on the plan. No exercise yesterday, but I did some walking around and even some running, despite agony in my heel. Gotta go.

230 - waist blues again

2011-02-10T11:43:00.002-05:00

Ok I am reporting a weight of 230 and unless some kind of plateau occurs, can expect to get into the 220s within a couple of days.

Not much to report - stuck to the diet again yesterday - still no exercise. I was busy but now it's gettin to be too long since I've exercised. Today's another day that I will find it hard to fit it in, not to mention being totally uninspired. Maybe I'll just go do an uninspiring stint on an elliptical trainer. My heels are still on fire, especially my left heel, which was burning even as I slept in bed last night. Right heel is feeling okay right now. So anyway, walking or no, I can't be sure.

Yesterday I did a little online window shopping for corsets. Not only would I like to have one now for shaping me under my clothes now, but I have also considered that I'd like to have one after some belly has gone to keep the fat from growing back in the belly. I feel like the way my belly got shaped this way is from wearing the jeans I wore and spilling out over the waistband. Meh. Anyway, I feel like I'd definitely need steel boning, as my belly can easily mangle the plastic boning. And the steel-boned ones are expensive, meaning I'd need to get a good one. And they say to choose a size from your waist measurement, but I'm so baffled as to how to tell my waist measurement.

Anyway, things are going well enough this week. Yesterday at work Chip brought in doughnuts but I didn't have one. I reserved my cheat for a glass of wine but I didn't have that either - really didn't feel like it. Besides, a sugar-fat delectable treat like doughnuts would have seriously damaged my solidarity. I guess I should be a little surprised at how easy it was to resist them.

231

2011-02-09T12:37:00.002-05:00

I kept getting up last night to pee, which I never do. (I remember one time in particular, it was very strange because as I walked to the bathroom, and back from it, I felt like I was swooping all over the place, kinda like I was falling down drunk. I made it without injury however, but it was very strange to me.) Anyway, I figured it was good stuff and that I was getting rid of my water weight.

Not much to report. So far staying on-plan without hardship. Yesterday's cheat was 2 glasses of wine. Fun fun wine. I didn't exercise, and I might not exercise again today either. On the note of exercise, my heels were like fire with every step all day yesterday. I keep taking ibuprofen and hoping it will get better soon! I'm sure it will. In spring there will be hiking.

I watched the new episode of Heavy. I really wondered if the both of them would make it through to the end. They both did, with great results. Did I hear they do 4-5 hours a day of working out? Hahaha!

I haven't heard from my friend. I suppose maybe I was too pushy, but I wanted to be. I think he needs some pushing. But I know that in my life, when people tried to push me, I became immediately resentful and defensive. It's hard to know when to impose yourself beyond someone else's comfort level. I have another loved one who has a terrible relationship with alcohol that does him no good at all. I just hate to see my friend suffer, and I know he deserves a life that is better than his body currently allows, and I want to help him get there. And I feel like now is the ideal time for him to do something about it - while he has all the time in the world! To the point that I feel like it's absolutely necessary that he get started on it right away! We don't live in the same town, so I don't know what else to do besides give encouragement. I hope his momentum is still going. God knows I'm no expert, but I just wish I could be there to help him defeat his defeatism.

So, Joey, if you are still reading, I'm sticking to my meal plan and I'm going to get below 230 permanently within the week. With your consistent participation and encouragement, I might even reach my ultimate weight and fitness goals.

233.5

2011-02-08T11:34:00.003-05:00

I hoped to be up and at 'em earlier, but I just don't have the push and shove in me, even though it's a beautiful crisp-looking day out (I've been blaming the cold rainy cloudy days and the barometric pressure).

Good news is that I lost a pound since yesterday - down to 233.5 - and that I made it to the grocery store (which was pretty much all that I succeeded in doing before time for rehearsal!) *Unfortunately* groceries were not dirt cheap - I think I was at about $140-150 again. I suppose that I'm not buying the absolute most dirt cheap of everything - especially when I choose organic.

This week my meals are real easy, which is good. And land-animal free. Grab a single-serving of soup and a pear and a piece of bread and some nuts and that's lunch. (Also supposed to have soy milk, but it doesn't travel well!) Dinner is mostly frozen meals. Breakfast was frozen waffles and ricotta and walnuts and milk and fruit cocktail. Now I am no big fan of fruit cocktail as compared to fresh fruit, or the gelatinousness of Healthy Choice soup when compared to my homemade stuffs, and frozen dinner, even if they are Amy's Palak Paneer. But this week I just need it to be ridiculously easy. Next week I'll get back to it. As far as I'm concerned, this is Day 2 of a 6-week stint of high focus on weight loss and exercise.

That said, I don't think I'll be getting the exercise in today. Sad but true. I have to work.

I also feel so drowsy. I was just telling my roommate - I'm starting to worry about myself. Is this just natural aging, or SAD, or major depression? It's not that I feel sad or hopeless, just - no energy and not much enthusiasm. It's been a crummy winter, emotionally, and I have been hoping that when spring comes, I can forget everything I learned to feel this winter and go back to my earlier innocence.

New episode of Heavy at aetv.com today. Can't wait to watch it.

234.5

2011-02-07T14:15:00.002-05:00

Okay, there's the official post-blip weigh-in. Pretty much what I expected.And isn't that an exciting weight graph. :-) Oh well, give it a couple of days. In only 3-ish weeks, already lost track twice. I slept in today. Gonna make the french toast with berries and walnuts and coffee for breakfast, then head to the grocery store. Even though I feel like I should go to the theatre and do something, I might as well wait until after I've seen tonight's rehearsal and make decisions from that. So that gives me the afternoon to get this stuff done for my meal plan, which has to take some degree of precedence right now.

Feb 7 2011

2011-02-07T01:38:00.003-05:00

It's a nighttime post. I need to go to sleep. Kinda don't want to. Kinda don't want today to be past.

On the other hand, I feel all the more inspired that I need to lose more pounds, get back on it like I was last week, doing so well. Which means that first thing tomorrow I need to print my grocery list and go to the grocery store. And that I also need to fit in some exercise, I'm thinking the 20 minute interval cardio.

It's been a very busy and emotionally engaging week for me, and I struggled with the weather dragging on me. For better or worse, the past week is over, one of the most special aspects of my life on hold again too soon, and I have to turn my focus to another job, and my health and weight loss program.

Tomorrow's weigh-in should be uninspiring. How exciting to lose the same 5 pounds over again. :-) le sigh

work crunch

2011-02-05T09:18:00.003-05:00

I don't have time to be a good blogger today or a good dieter right now. In addition to this being work crunch time, I am also dealing with apparently monstrous effects of a low-pressure system, which is making it hard for me to function well and be awake or other than groggy. Yesterday I simply ate what was around and available, and without taking the time to be prepared mentally to make appropriate choices, they tended to be crap, and then when the guy at work ordered pizza for everyone, I didn't resist and was glad there was some food so I didn't have to take time to go get some. I still haven't been to the grocery store. I have a meal plan, but I don't have time to attend to it right now. I stood on the scale this morning, briefly, and confirmed that weight has been put back on - probably mostly water weight of course, and will have to be taken back off next week, just as soon as things get better. Have to stop typing now.

Feb 3, 2011 229.6 Party time!

2011-02-03T12:10:00.002-05:00

Hey, the scale had a shock for me today! As I gripped my tummy on the way to the scale, I thought I felt like I'd gained. As usual the scale gave different readings every time I stood on it, everywhere from 229 to 230.5, but usually it was under the 230 line, and I was excited to be able to say I was under 230, but intimidated to cite any unreasonable gains.

So I say 229.6 and celebrate getting into the 220s. Yesterday I did my yoga and loved it. It had been a week since the last time I did it, and I could feel a real difference since the last time, whether because I was actually stronger or just because my body was more rested. Lowering down in a reverse pushup from plank pose felt stronger in the first part, I'm trying to hold boat pose longer (pathetic!), I was much more committed to the back bending (which does freak me out a little and makes me feel like I can't push air into my torso to breathe.)

Yesterday I stayed on plan, packing all my meals for the day before leaving, but I did engage in the following cheats: when offered, a 75-calorie cookie, but it was an interesting gourmet-ish cookie, not just an Oreo, and 2 of those Ghirardelli squares. So it wasn't really a good thing, but I don't just feel awful about it either because it was relatively controlled (i.e. I wasn't eating M&Ms and Butterfingers galore) and they were "quality" treats.

I hesitate to get too celebratory about hitting the 220s because I ran out of meal plan yesterday. I'm supposed to start the new week today and, though I did finally draft out a weekly meal plan at ediets, I just don't have time to go to the grocery store, or to exercise for that matter. I might get in some kind of exercise, but I might not. Work is in crunch time right now. On the other hand, the sun is out and I bet spring is on its way soon! So I'll be coming up with some kind of eating plan for the day - I have plenty of food in the house so it should be okay - and I'm thinking of getting a 6" Subway sub with an apple from Subway - and not those processed and wrapped-in-plastic apple slices either - that makes me angry - Subway, who gets crates of fresh produce in all week, can't handle plain old apples?

So the danger exists that I will bounce back up into the 230s before I go lower. I should have gone to the grocery store sooner, I was just having a very hard time figuring out how to get a good one with my current dietary requests and looked good for my budget. I finally did manage one, but only after I'd done 3 or 4 different tries and finished last night. It's just the standard ediets meal plan - lots of good meal choices, even after excluding beef, chicken, and pork.

Not quite 10 pounds, but close! Hopefully some of my clothes are going to be looking better on me again. These last couple days have been good. It's mostly thanks to Joey - thoughts that he might read this have kept me good the past couple days.

Feb 2, 2011 230.5

2011-02-02T12:18:00.002-05:00

230.5 That's more like it.

I ate breakfast late and dinner early last night, leaving me hungry as I stayed up later, working at the theatre. On a naughty day I might have said "Ah, screw it" and gone and had a candy bar from the lobby, but last night I was thinking of my friend. I did have 2 hard candies, though, that was my cheat. And I didn't exercise. And I don't feel like it today, either. I still want to be asleep cozy in bed. I guess I'm a little enthused though by this morning's weigh-in, and also from this week's TV episode "Heavy" which featured 2 women who each lost 100 pounds in 6 months but more than that, they lost their bellies. ::Jealous:: And the younger one ran a 5k and I was jealous there too. I guess I want to run a 5k. Presumably she trained for it, and she was young and didn't have a bad foot. Still... I think I could at least try.

So I think today for my exercise, I'm torn between taking a walk and doing yoga. I think I want to do yoga. I'm gonna do yoga. I was looking at my problematic belly and thinking if I could pull in the muscles of my upper abdominal region it could help the shape of my belly. I just don't know if exercise will draw them in. Hmm.

Feb 1, 2011 - 231.5

2011-02-01T13:19:00.002-05:00

231.5

I will take what I can get! I kinda really hoped to weigh less today - somehow I thought it would happen. Half a pound is absolutely nothing to sneeze at, it's just that I've been kinda static for a while, as this graph will show.

Getting below 230 will be a big party. In my head. Because I can't afford the calories or the fiscal expense of a real celebration. At the mo.

So this is a big ol' shout-out to my real-life friend Joey - I won't link him without his permission - who is jumping on the old weight loss bandwagon not for the first time in his life (as we can all relate) but this time I think there are real changes and I think his support mechanism is stronger and motivated now. Hi, Joey! We love you!

Yesterday I stayed on-plan mostly out of respect for him - I now feel I have to be a good example for him and that totally sucks. I did manage to make getting to the gym a priority yesterday and did my 20 minutes, and burned 3 more calories in those 20 minutes than last time - I love that slow and constant progress.

Today I really wanted to do yoga, but these cloudy rainy low-barometric-pressure days take it all out of me and I stayed in bed this morning. It is not too late - I may do yoga later in the day, we'll just have to see, but now I have a belly full of breakfast and a bunch of mentally-focused work to do as soon as I finish this blog entry.

It's February now and time to re-evaluate my exercise goals. I tend to rely on my Pilates routine mostly to get myself back out of the dregs. It's convenient to do at home, but otherwise I'm not so sure it's as amazing for me as the yoga. So I will probably transition more to a focus on yoga (which should help with strength, too), while continuing to use my little strength program to measure improvement, and continue my BFL cardio thing too, and on top of that add in some "rounder" and "deeper" movements, like dancing, Callanetics, and bellydance. Also, for my heel, start transitioning to more walking, so I can build up to running. And as spring comes - hiking! A glimpse of springlike weather confirmed for me that I am still a lover of hiking. Now that's a lot to think about. I actually crafted out a plan on paper last night, but it will take a little more thought. I might be trying to fit in too much. Too much of the "phasing in" and "phasing out." A little more pinned down, later.

As for my other resolutions

1) work habits - I am making the effort. I could do better. I did have a couple stints of tardiness.

2) lose weight and get in shape - still at it :-)

3) get health insurance - oddly I have health insurance rather unexpectedly, but only until March 31. otoh, when I'm less busy, I think I can discover more about how to use my union work contributions to a CAPP account and apply them to my health insurance.

4) stop walking past people - stop and talk I don't know if I've actually improved at this at all, judging from my behavior this week

5) Cook in bulk - I'm not doing this now because my meal plan is set up for single meals.

6) Pay back my savings account - oh, wouldn't that be nice? I do need to spend less on food, and I spent way too much on a couple of trips to the bar and restaurant this past week. Unforgivable.

7) Finish that book - DONE! Accomplished!

8) Reduce meat intake - I went purely vegetarian for a couple weeks there, which I didn't need to do but did anyway. This week there has been more meat and less tofu. I changed my meal plan from "Glycemic Impact" to "Seasonal" and there are just not very many vegetarian meals to choose from in that plan, so I'm not sure that that meal plan, which I otherwise love, will match my meat reduction goal.

9) Buy more clothing from 2nd-hand stores... I haven't bought any clothing at all this year. I have actually considered going to get another pair of size 18 jeans to help me through this fat period but ::sigh::

10) Acquire a working collection of classical music - I have done a little research but was overwhelmed and acquired nothing. Yet. Actually I've kind of expanded this to also expanding my knowledge of contemporary music - is there anything out there, maybe local, worth paying attention to?

Ok, off to work.

Jan 31, 2011 232

2011-01-31T11:49:00.003-05:00

I guess I should feel a little lucky about still being 232. Saturday I didn't even manage to pack my meals and went in to work without a game plan - spent a lot of money at a restaurant and in my efforts to avoid eating certain animals, may not have chosen the most dietetically superior options - eggplant parmesan with spaghetti for lunch, and a baba ganoush wrap for dinner. I did pack my meals for yesterday, but - well yesterday I substituted Easter candy for dinner. On the other hand, I didn't eat dinner. And I'm hungry now but it's been a long time and I should have breakfasted by now.

Today I have a bit of a break, though - time enough to eat a meal and go to the gym (I haven't had any exercise past couple days either, of course) and plan my meals for the next week at ediets. Today's exercise is the 20 minute interval training - on the elliptical I guess though I am tired of the elliptical and want my heel to get to a place where I can maybe do a run-walk instead.

So you can see I feel lucky to still be 232. On the other hand, my pants feel awful and I hate spilling over them in front the way that I do. I want a corset. :-S

Okay, that's how it's been going, diet-wise. Not too bad, considering how much time I had, but not too great either.

Jan 26, 2011 - 232

2011-01-27T21:14:00.002-05:00

I stayed up last night to prepare all my meals for today, but when lunch time came around, I went off-plan. Hell with it, it was a GOOD REASON.

In other news, after breaking the rules a little yesterday, I was rewarded with finally hitting 232 this morning.

No workout today.

Jan 26, 233 still again yawn

2011-01-26T08:54:00.002-05:00

Sad news. Still haven't broken below the 233 barrier. I wanted to get up at 6:30 and do yoga but it's dark and rainy out and it's my last day of freedom so I lounged in bed (heck I didn't even hear my alarm until well after 7) so here it is 9:00 and time to do yoga and I'm still not up for it. :-P Hopefully I'll like it once I get started because here goes!

Jan 25, 2011 - 233 still :-/

2011-01-25T11:49:00.002-05:00

Not much to say. I'm 233 again today. I feel that's unreasonable and have decided that maybe there was actually some muscle build-up from yesterday's exercise. I did my Pilates this morning - groan and grumble, but I did it. Still waiting for some kind of wonderful tight, strong, graceful feeling from my core that I have never got from the Pilates but that they swear I should. In fact, today the same movements felt more difficult to me. Still, overall I am happy to feel myself growing back to regular/moderate strength and activity. Yesterday I did the BFL on elliptical + simple strength routine, and if I am gaining muscle it should be from the dips and chinups and the lunges, plus the heavy intervals of cardio probably.

Tomorrow yoga. Which I love. I should get up pretty early for it so I can have it done before my roommate comes out. I'm not embarrassed to be seen doing the funny movements and getting all red in the face, but it does make me self-conscious and more apt to lose focus on my stretching and balance etc...

Eh, I'm just babbling for the sake of babbling now - there's really nothing else to say. I think I should be 232 today - so maybe tomorrow that will be a reality.

Jan 24, 2011 - 233

2011-01-24T07:58:00.003-05:00

Good morning. I keep getting up later and later. Didn't go to bed until 11:00 last night, and didn't want to get up until after 7:00. So it's 8 a.m. and I am wasting precious hours of my sanctuary of morning to chirrup gratefully that I'm back down to 233 after Friday's blip, which might also have been the result of some menstrual stuff. It clearly does seem to affect me.

For a moment I hoped the scale would read 232 but I guess I'll save that for tomorrow. Looking forward to getting under 230.

Not really much else to say. I had a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing yesterday when it was laid out on the break table - but I had a sensible-sized piece, in place of my scheduled snack, and when I considered going overboard, decided I really didn't necessarily want more, so that's better than Friday's doughnut extravaganza.

Today's workout is the 20-minute interval training plus a simple strength series I've started by which I hope to grow to measure some progress over time. I must tell you, I don't feel like doing it! I wish I'd had some more sleep.

On with my day.

Jan 23, 2011 - 235 pounds

2011-01-23T12:31:00.002-05:00

Just so you know, I did stick to my plan yesterday and dropped some of that water weight from Friday. These days have mostly been great for me. I get up really early in the morning and if it's a yoga or Pilates day, I do the yoga or Pilates quietly in the living room before dawn, usually. Then I make coffee and breakfast and then sit down on the sofa and plan my day in the Franklin-Covey way. I have identified the following categories of things on my to-do list - Diet Program, Work, Household/Living Maintenance, Self/Study, and Personal Grooming. It makes me feel so organized. It has taken a lot of effort and time actually to make it through the to-do list and I really still feel like there's so far I haven't gotten. But I have made some progress in my reading, which is important, and I've stuck to my diet, which is important, and I've gotten on top of my bills and financial situation, but I still want to buy this $300 reclining chair from Value City anyway. I have acquired some items that make me happy in the past month or so, and if I got that chair, I could just about realize my dream of making this purple office/room more of the study I've always wanted to make it, where I could read, work, draft, paint, peruse the internet, or just gaze out the window.

Anyway, then I go to bed early, usually. I'm trying to keep that up so that this week's 8 a.m. workcalls won't hurt me like they usually do. I need to stay on top of my time to make it through the next 2 weeks.

Here is the Pilates book that shapes the program I do. I don't necessarily recommend it because I don't know whether you'd be able to understand the movements. I don't have any trouble, but I don't know whether that's because I had some exposure to many of the movements from earlier exercise videos. I'm still not sure I do it the way the author recommends - she recommends against pushing yourself to perform bigger movements or trying to 'feel a burn' - that's not as important as maintaining proper form to *slowly* progress. After only 3 or 4 sessions, though I feel some struggle while doing some of the moves, I no longer really feel anything after I'm done, and it makes me feel like I'm not getting anything out of it, but her directions say not to feel that way. Still, I went ahead and added some new reps and new moves to my sequence - which I hated doing because I already feel like it's going to take forever to get through (although it's actually pretty brief).

Jan 22, 2011 - 237 - back up

2011-01-22T11:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I went all kinds of off-plan, doughnuts forever, footlong steak-and-cheese from Subway with 2 cookies for lunch, and then for dinner went to a Mexican restaurant and got - well, Mexican food. A huge plate, which to my credit, I only ate half of, and also had 2 margaritas.

The reason for this is pretty easy to identify. I was unprepared and caught off-guard by my unexpected work schedule for the day. At the end of the day, feeling stressed, I wanted a margarita and comfort food. I already felt like the day was a diet washout, and yes, I know the illogic in that thinking.

So this morning I'm 237 instead of the 233 I was.

I figure that most of that excess will come off soon, but I do want to be able to go more than a week without having a fall off. It is going to be harder to stick to my plan today when I remember being off it yesterday. The Cadbury creme eggs I have hoarded in a sugar bowl for the day I allow myself to have some - need to still be there by the end of the day!!!

I did feel better when it was all done. I felt fiiiiiiine.

But it explains things like why it's ok for me to go off-plan when I've made prior arrangements, and not when external circumstances throw me off. If I have it in mind that I will eat the cheese-and-tomato sandwich for lunch today, but my tomato is moldy, then I run the risk of losing my footing. Especially now in the beginning when I'm trying to relearn how much is the right amount of the which kinds of food to eat. It explains why I'm hesitant to go to lunch or dinner with you without already knowing what's on the menu and what I shall eat that will fit into my plan. It explains why the diet has to come first so often, which is not always desirable for life.

As I was doing my yoga this morning (I was able to do more this morning, and made it 40 minutes through before they lost me) I was realizing again what a great workout it is and how much I enjoy increasing my body function through those poses. I felt a moment's guilt about not doing a 700-calorie workout and having to lose more weight and get down to 180, and then realized that, even now as I struggle against the boundary of 240 pounds on the home scale, I've still already won because I'm no longer 285 pounds. I can afford to do the fine-tuning workout I want because, while I'd like to lose more weight, I am right now what I'd call on the high end of still being a slenderer me. I am still pushing the envelope (where did that expression come from? what does it mean?) in yoga and the BFL interval cardio, and feeling myself out in the Pilates and strength training. So it's good for now.

When I do advance to another exercise plan, probably in mid-Feb, I am sure the yoga will play a much larger role, and in spring more hiking and walking and maybe running. My heel does still act up, but I am sure it's getting better as I become more active again.

I also remembered Callanetics. I have the Callanetics video from the 80s, that I tried to do once, but it was (a) very difficult and (b) not what I was looking for at the time (I was looking for more of a calorie-burn, high-energy cardio thing probably) so I quickly abandoned it. I might just pull it out again, because it might be perfect for helping me to find those other muscle fibers I'm looking for, for improved toning, movement, and muscle motivation.

Jan 21 - pretty much a wash

2011-01-21T13:15:00.002-05:00

Well, today I didn't want to get out of bed - felt too snug and sleepy in my bed, so I got up too late to do more than about 20 minutes of yoga, which was disappointing, I wanted to do more. Then off to work, hoping it was just a half day, but it turns out it's a full day. Once I found out I wasn't getting cut at lunchtime, I began to feel a certain uncertainty about how long I was staying and when break was called there were doughnuts and I ate - because I didn't know what my access to food was going to be like throughout the day. I could have packed last night, if I'd known. Oh well. I didn't just have 1 doughnut either, I went all out like they were going out of style. My schedule should be my own after this and I'll get back on track. Right now I've got to get lunch and get back to work. Hi ho.

Jan 20, 2011 weigh-in

2011-01-20T06:41:00.002-05:00

Well here I am this morning - weigh-in day at ediets, and I'm waiting to see if I can weigh a little less when I get on the scale. I got on the scale right after I woke up and wasn't satisfied with my result. There is one main reason to want to weigh less - to show progress - on the charts, in my head. But there are 2 reasons not to - 1) because the less I weigh this weigh-in, the harder it will be to weigh 2 pounds less next weigh-in and that will be discouraging and 2) just that it doesn't matter too much what my weight is right now, a half pound here or there, I'm really just trying to learn to stick to the plan over the long haul. And I don't want to be waiting here in bed all morning, I'd like to get up and get some stuff done. I've been barely making it through my to-do list this week while I've been unemployed. BARELY. So I'm just going to go now and see what my weight is.

233.

*big grin*

I knew that I'd wish I'd done measurements last week so I could see real results there.

Mmmmmmmmmotivated!

Today's diet-related goals - (1)stick to the eating plan (2) 20-minutes BFL-style interval on the elliptical, and do my simple strength program and (3) create next week's meal plan, print it out, and go to the grocery store.

Also email my brother - we were going to be workout motivation buddies. I have been doing my exercise as I've wanted - it's been easy enough because I'm not working and Pilates and yoga I can do here at home in the morning before I do anything else (since I've been waking up so so early) and the gym workout is only 20 minutes and though it's hard, it's brief, it's easy to live through! It's very empowering, if you have a fear of your physical limits to push at the very peak of your limits for just 1 minute, and live through it, and feel better when it's done, and watch your peak performance get better over a short and a long period of time. The Body For Life program.

Jan 19, 2011 - 234.5 - unreasonable!

2011-01-19T06:30:00.002-05:00

Today I'm 234.5? Unreasonable! Pshhh. I was too good yesterday. Chalk it up to random circumstance, just one of those things, possibly muscle growth blah blah. I will say that 4 hours after my interval workout on the elliptical, I was walking out of the grocery store and felt *vigor* in my hamstrings absolutely powering me back to my car. That's the vigor I've been looking for.

So anyway. :-P to the scale today. Up for Pilates now. I have a whole day again in which to do nothing but be a very good girl.

My exercise plan for January

2011-01-18T13:49:00.002-05:00

First, let me get this out of the way. I am hungry.

I see I should have had lunch by now, and I have to run out and get a red bell pepper for lunch. I must have decided it was too expensive, when I was at the grocery store, but now I can't imagine eating this broccoli stir fry without the brilliant and delicious red peppers.

Moving on.

I delineated the goals of my exercise plan this morning. My exercise goals at the mo are not to burn the most calories. If they were, I would get on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Instead my goals have more to do with getting my body back into good FUNCTION.

(1) I want to firm up my abs, obliques, back muscles and various core muscles.

(2) I want to wake up my entire body, all different kinds of muscles, moving in all different kinds of ways. Increasing flexibility and strength and tone and grace and functionality and mind-body connection.

(3) I want to improve my general muscular vigor. I'm sluggish now. I want to improve my readiness to move vigorously.

As for #3, that is why I have made the Body-For-Life 20-minute interval cardio workout a priority.

As for #1 & #2, that's why I'm focusing on Pilates. Also I did some yoga yesterday and although it was pathetic comparatively, I was reminded of how excellent it can be when I can do it well - how strong, flexible, graceful, and warm I feel after a yoga workout - and how proud to be able to succeed at some of those difficult poses. In addition to Pilates and yoga, bellydancing and just dancing in general would be good for these goals.

So that's what I'm doing for now, and I will re-evaluate later, probably in February when I'm not so slammed as I will be when the month changes over. (I will almost certainly fail to get the exercise in during that time anyway!)

fat bellydance

2011-01-18T04:36:00.003-05:00

234 again today. Well, I can't just keep losing a pound a day as nice as that sounds. Even then it would take me 2 months to reach my goal. I'm looking at probably over a year. I just can't wait to get back down to size 16 and lose a little bit more.

I watched The Secret of the Grain. There was this beautiful young actress in it, and at the end of the movie she very unexpectedly came in and did a long belly dance. It was surprising to me because she had quite a large belly. I am not opposed to poochy bellies on women but I kept thinking hers was unattractive. The camera was, of course, often focused on it. Still, despite my open-mindedness about the size of beauty, I know that most young American men would not be used to seeing a fat-bellied bellydancer and would have all kinds of insults to throw about it on the internet. (The movie was not made in America, it was a French-language film about Arab immigrants in France.)

Anyway, I've done a moderate amount of internet research on fat bellydancers and have found a lot more positive than negative (probably because the videos are labeled "fat bellydancer" or "BBW bellydancer"). I saw one where the woman was labelled BBW but I would say she was just pretty chubby - the videotaper really liked her belly, he kept zooming in on her belly even though there were multiple dancers.

All this bellydance video has me aware that for some reason for me my swishing my hips back and forth has become very rigid and inflexible, which I consider odd for me - I used to feel so hippy like a water person, I liked being a water person, but now I feel more and more like an Earth person. Plus the control they have over that section of their body, whereas for me this is a section of my body I largely overlook. I am sure regular study with bellydance would behoove me. I have the DVD when I wanted to try it before but as I think I told you - it was HARD.

Anyway. Another day down. Closing in on a week down, should get ahead of the game and plan my next week's meals. Today's workout is the 20 minutes BFL system on the elliptical. Also to at least decide how to incorporate strength training into my plan. Yesterday I did yoga which was great despite all the falling back I've done - lost energy trying to hold dog pose, lost thigh strength trying to hold a lunge. I definitely love that yoga vid - when I do it well, when I am done with it, I feel so fit, strong, flexible, and in connection with my body.

January 17, 2011 - 234

2011-01-17T06:00:00.002-05:00

Down another pound today. This is good news to me, it means I'm 5 down from my start a few days ago and inspired to go it another day. I want to start a fresh new ticker since all the ones I have are sort of out of date anyway.

Exercise yesterday was the Pilates. Stuck to the diet, more or less - made some substitutions at lunch off-handedly - without consulting a substitutions list - how well does raisin bread substitute for 1/3 cup of rice? Some leftover canned pineapple for the honeydew melon. And then later an unscheduled orange, and skipped (forgot because was too sleepy) the simple salad with my dinner. So - more or less.

Also went out with my family after a concert. I was hungry but waiting for my dinner which was at home. I allowed myself a glass of wine, socially, which actually made me a very little bit tipsy for 10 seconds on such an empty stomach I guess.

My brother and I are going to encourage each other to keep exercising. I don't know if the gym closes or has a half day for MLK Day - but since MLK day was actually Saturday maybe that's not even relevant. I'm thinking of doing yoga anyway. Should do it now. I am feeling so hungry this morning!

By the way, I was thinking of going to the beach or something this week, but then realized that adhering to the meal plan sort of precludes that. I could try to go and "be a good girl" but if I leave the decisions about when and what to eat to my inspiration - I'm undependable. I don't know when I've had enough, I feel freer to treat myself when I'm on a trip. That's going to always be a burden for me to have to deal with probably. I like food, I like all different kinds of food, and my system can handle it.

Ok - yoga.

Sunday, Jan 16, 2011 - 235 pounds

2011-01-16T05:16:00.003-05:00

Ok good, some weight has come off already.

WARNING - the rest of this blog entry is some rambling.

Over the past oh two weeks I guess I have felt my upper waist bulging out into my arms. That's what made it feel all the more drastic. I can also tell you that, of late, my complexion has been for the dogs and I feel like my face is ugly when it smiles again. My Dad offered again yesterday to get the fat sucked out my belly and I responded negatively to manage his enthusiasm for it but I don't actually feel that negatively about it, really. Losing weight is one thing, but the ratio of fat in different places on my body is another and this belly is the bain of my existence.

Ok, my speech is very grim, I don't mean it to be all that grim.

Yesterday I tried to stay on plan, but I did guesstimate a breakfast, and I also found a ghirardelli raspberry chocolate square on my bed, and that was so wack that I knew it was a sign from Odin that I was supposed to eat it. After that I experienced many temptations throughout the day as I was out and about and not getting home. I went to the gym and did my 20-minute interval training on the elliptical and felt my muscles working in new and interesting ways so hopefully that will come out well. Then I went to grab some socks and underwear and an avocado since the one I bought the other day was unripe and it wasn't ready for me to eat for breakfast. I never had a problem before with avocados from the store being unripe, and so I don't know how long to wait for them to ripen. The avocados at Compare Foods were also all unripe. What's with the unripe avocados.

While at the shopping center I also spent money on a little spending binge. - At Infinity's End (our local pot-smokers, rock-n-roll t-shirts, dragons, piercings, posters shop) I got a green amber ring, which is something I've been wanting for a long long time, and a neat wall-hanging face, and a poster of the Tournee du Chat Noir which I thought might be fun to put up somewhere in this house, though it ought to be framed. So that was $60, and I wanted more but had to stop myself! Then over to Roses for the underwear and socks, but I also bought some satin sheets there - I've never had a satin sheet set and it might be nice and the trim on these was pretty so I just did it on impulse.

I mention the spending spree because maybe indulging there might have sated my indulgence cravings so I was able to hold out a little better as I stood in line at the store staring at the display of archway cookies while very hungry and thinking that the only reason I wasn't eating them was that they were $3 and not because it would kill my dieting efforts. I wasn't thinking about my belly or whether or not I fit into my jeans, but I did think to myself - "You're not eating this these days and besides, you have food waiting for you at home."

So anyway, I made it past many temptations yesterday.

Today, sticking to the plan again, and also doing Pilates again. Pilates is the base limit of what I need to do today, but if I decide to, and if Actually doing the Pilates right now before breakfast. Breakfast today is oat bran cooked with apples and walnuts (and protein powder and vanilla and cinnamon) YUM and I will have some coffee with soymilk YUM.

You know, my roommate's boyfriend has been on Atkins for a long time now. He's lost a lot of weight and it seems a pretty restrictive diet but he's stuck to it, mostly. Considering all the different eating styles we have in this house now, the fridge is really pretty packed.

Ok, enough procrastinating. I am starving, and I have to do Pilates and some other stuff today!

January 15, 2011 - 238 pounds

2011-01-15T03:56:00.003-05:00

Since my last post, I had a big illness relapse, or a new illness on top of the old one, and my erstwhile efforts to be moderate have slacked off into the worst of sweets ingestion. Breakfasts are fine, I have wonderful healthy soul-satiating breakfasts, but by the end of the day, junk food has overinvolved itself in my day.

So I gained again and at this point I feel I no longer have any connection with how much is the right amount to eat. So I'm - sigh - back on the ediets meal plan for now. I was 239 yesterday when I started, I am 238 today. I have discovered that there are Cadbury creme eggs out there already. *sigh* I had two yesterday and that is going to tide me over. When I do get enough weight lost, and feel like I'm sure I'm in control again, I will go to a program of having one day off the meal plan. That doesn't mean I can have a bingey free-for-all - it just means I can go to a restaurant with friends or something, and maybe have a Cadbury creme egg.

Today's diet-related goals are simply to stay on-plan and to do a 20-minute interval training session to (over time) boost my energy, stamina, and quick-twitch muscle fibers. I did Pilates on Thursday and am definitely feeling it in my abs - which is just another sign that I'm out of shape because usually I don't really feel much.

Dec 29, 236 pounds

2010-12-29T13:29:00.003-05:00

Been a while.

I have gained. More than I wanted to allow myself to gain.

Some people may be offended that I don't chastise myself more harshly, but I'm just not like that. Still, I did want to lose weight, and I don't want to be one of the 97% who gains it all back. :-D

I guess the answer to how I gained so much so fast is this - I have been sluggish, unmoving, probably more depressed than usual, sick, the holidays happened and I've been indulging in the edible treats. Christmas dinner and all manner of sweets and everything.

I recently posted my New Year's Resolutions to facebook and one of them was certainly to get down to 180 using moderation (restrictive meal plan if necessary but I do still resist that for the time being) and exercise, which I'm glad to say I've done now a few days in a row. Elliptical and weight training day before yesterday, yoga (only the first 17 minutes) yesterday, and today the 30-day Shred. Things went well on the elliptical trainer, but I did not feel any results from the weights the next day and might need a personal trainer or a program. I also tried to run just for 2 minutes, but on the very first step there was heel pain. Yoga was fairly pathetic - not bad but I didn't have a lot of time and wasn't feeling the stamina and only did the first bit - the warm-up sun salutation basically.

The 30-day shred - PATHETIC! Ok, first of all, I did this once last week and it was the same day I was starting my period and I couldn't even get through but that was mostly because of my period but here is more. It just wasn't that long ago that the 30-Day Shred wasn't that hard, that I was doing 13 pushups on my initial effort, and the cardio wasn't a significant problem. Last week I only did 6 pushups my first go. Today it was up to 7. The other thing is, I can feel my flab bouncing around, jerking down every time I land on a jumping jack, and I can barely allow myself to do the jumping jacks with arms because I'm holding my belly and boobs (wearing 2 jog bras) and just feeling my back flab bounce. This was not the case last time I did this routine, which was only like in September or so.

So next time I really will have to make sure to wear a very sturdy leotard or something to keep my flabby parts from bouncing so painfully. What is her name on the 30-Day Shred? She says "I have 400-pound people who can do jumping jacks, SO CAN YOU!" and I'm just wondering how the 400-pound people manage that bouncy flab!

So, the brunt of it is that there's a great big spike on my sparkpeople weight graph showing that I've gained nearly 15 pounds since a month ago! That's really pretty bad. I weighed 238 yesterday (after breakfast) - this morning it's 236. I definitely have the potential to show some great improvement since I'm at such a low right now, but it really will take intense consistency over the long haul to reach my goal. I think I should blog daily to remind myself, maybe even start a new blog and get a fresh start.

not tempted at the mo

2010-11-22T02:08:00.003-05:00

Sparkpeople currently recommends I eat 1430-1780 calories per day, but that's based on the idea that I'm exercising 3 times per week (not lately!) Still, today, if I'm counting right, I've had 1769 calories, well in the low end of range for protein and fat, but 15 grams too many carbs. Supposedly to maintain my weight, though, I'd have to eat over 2100 calories per day, taking into account my sedentary lifestyle of late.

Given all that info, as I've been considering the ice cream in the freezer all night long, I was tempted when I ate dinner but now, I'd rather just have a glass of water, honestly. I made some decaf constant comment tea to drink while I read myself to sleep.

I went to the grocery store again yesterday just to stock up before I got very busy with work. I now feel quite stocked up. Anyway, my cabinets are now too full. Hopefully this will keep me stocked for a while, though I might have to go back just for some milk or fresh produce. I haven't been much for the canned or frozen (processed) foods (there was a time I finished a lean cuisine or something and said to myself - "I never need to eat another frozen dinner in my life." That was before Amy's vegetable korma dinner) but I have some now for quick soup or some beets or a frozen dinner to carry out (which I'd probably supplement with a simple salad with oil & vinegar salad dressing and a fruit, as was typically done with ediets). Apples and oranges and sweet potatoes, oh my. A selection of proteins, most in the freezer. Some tofu I bought not knowing what to cook it in. A new bag of grits because I didn't have enough grains in that cabinet what with the brown rice, basmati rice, barley, oat bran, cream of wheat,... But I'm in the mood for grits with my eggs in November.

And I got some sweets, but again tried to be very selective. Sure I'd have loved to get some soft archway molasses or dutch cocoa cookies, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat just one. However, I did select a box of Carr's ginger lemon cookies - a sandwich of 2 ginger snaps with some lemon creme filling between them. These are also good but I am not apt to succomb to the urge to eat the whole box at once. I replenished my supply of dark chocolate covered cranberries because, even though I do nibble at them often and get a rush from the delicious dark chocolate, I am able to have a little bit and let go. I was especially worried when I chose the ice cream - I yielded to desire and selected something more naughty - Ben & Jerry's brownie cheesecake. And sure enough I ate half of the carton that night, which was 400 calories! BUT I stopped before I ate the whole thing so that is something. I enjoyed it. Big fan of brownies am I - and even as I walk past the brownie mix in the grocery store I want to buy them but I don't, not even the no-pudge, because I will not be able to stop myself, and I don't deserve that kind of binge this week!

So tonight, I could have some ice cream, but eh, I am just not that interested after all. I do not take credit for this awesomeness, but I do marvel and glory in it.

I'm still eating healthy natural whole foods and made a concerted effort to make sure I chose some good vegetables for dinner tonight - turnip greens and asparagus, which I prepared in bulk yesterday but I'm almost out of the greens. Greens are the happening thing Chez Hallie these days - collard greens, turnip greens, mustard greens, kale - but I didn't see spinach at the Harris Teeter and I looked real hard because I luvs me some spinach!

So now, before bed, I have to think about my day tomorrow and what I need to take with me to eat - what can I use up from the perishables first, versus what won't be too difficult to transport?

Nov 19, 223 going pretty good

2010-11-19T22:43:00.003-05:00

So my blog has completely gone from being the inspirational weight loss example I maniacally thought it would be over a year ago and has become "Golly I hope I don't gain it all back."

I'm holding steady. Today I'm 223 or so, I've been 222-223 all week. The week has been successful, as far as watching what I eat, choosing my meals sensibly - choosing whole natural foods with carbs, fats, and proteins suitably dispersed, and sweets and treats in moderation (usually) taking note of when I start to feel out of control. Day before yesterday I planned a meal and prepared it for myself and my family. While visiting I had about 8 tortilla chips (the regular kind) and 2 tablespoons of chocolate fudge icing I found in the fridge. I didn't count my calories after breakfast - by that point, if damage was done it was done. But I felt altogether good about it. Yesterday I met my mother for an event at which food was provided. I had too much of the cake for dessert. Felt very full afterward though, which kept me from eating any more that night, until on the way home I got some gumdrops and chocolate.

I wound up eating all the gumdrops over the next few hours as I read in bed until late, but strangely, most of the Hershey's special dark chocolate bar is still in my purse 24 hours later, and I think it will last until tomorrow at least.

Also, the Ben & Jerry's ice cream is still in my freezer! And I only just finished off the dark chocolate covered cranberries today, after my meal of 10 shrimp, 1/2 acorn squash with light butter and brown sugar, and a rice/broccoli/cheese casserole. With 2 Woodchuck ciders I have gone over my calorie allotment, but I'm not sure how much to lash myself for drinking too many calories from a moderate amount of alcohol. Not too much, I'm inclined right now.

All this has been well and good, but the question is, will it stay well and good when I start working again. I have been practically housebound, with no work and not allowing myself to spend money. At least my mood is up from where it was a couple weeks ago. Weight loss is not my only priority anymore and I'm also very focused on mental competence, reading, and creativity. And trying to figure out if I should stay where I am in life, and if I should move on, then where to? But actually I've been distracted from that question lately.

So, I'd rather be 215 now, for sure, but I am enjoying this new relationship with food.

Nov 15, 221 - moderation

2010-11-15T15:56:00.004-05:00

I have been up (had a binge I think) and now am working on moderation.

I have found myself jealous of people who have leftovers in the fridge to eat from throughout the week. I decided to try veering off the meal plan again and just eat a moderate, healthy, satiating breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. This plan went a little awry last night when I worked until 5:30 a.m.

Another part of what I'm doing is trying to focus on the appreciation I have for foods that I don't lose control over, and then also think about using that awareness to manage my moderation.

For example, I bypassed all the Oreos and chocolate chip cookies, and I bypassed the brownies - because I knew I would not be able to keep myself from overindulging even if I wanted to. I didn't get a gooey chocolatey marshamallowey caramelly Ben & Jerry's, but I did get Banana Split Ben & Jerry's - I had 3 bites the first day which were tasty and even had a shock of chocolate fudge syrup in it - and the rest has been sitting in the freezer since then - this is fairly unheard of for me and I don't know what to attribute it to. Maybe my plan is working, maybe it's my hormonal cycle. I bypassed potato chips and chocolate bars, but got dark chocolate covered cranberries, of which I enjoyed about 6 or 7 yesterday, and some trail mix seeds, something that I like but never choose over the other, more egregious, options. I figured I could easily pick up a pinch of the trail mix and satiate myself where a jello pudding would only make me grab another.

I have become tentative about bananas, but someone suggested them for their potassium as a way to possibly deal with a physiological issue that sometimes bugs me - so I put half a banana on my oatmeal squares as planned.

Oatmeal squares - I thought 1 cup of oatmeal squares wouldn't be enough of that delicious cereal, but with my eggs, milk, 1/2 banana, I didn't even have the desire to finish off my planned breakfast with my fruit selection - an orange.

I made a shepherd's pie, enough for days, and have been feeding off it in decent-sized portions. I cooked up some cranberries but didn't use nearly enough sugar - they are hard to eat much of although tasty, and I actually felt like I might have overdosed on vitamin C, so those are available to me in the fridge as well.

I need to use calorie counters to make sure I don't go overboard with the calories. I also need to start exercising again because I feel unstrongish and like being strong, and also it would probably help my energy, stamina, and metabolism, as everyone already knows. Even though my weight is maintaining, I think my midsection is thicker, and that totally sucks.

Honestly, looking at my shape and realizing that the belly will probably never go away the way I'd like is enough to make me almost want to just quit.

What gets me back to wanting to lose a little weight again is the fear of increasing jeans sizes, and more than that, a few clothes that I want to be able to fit into - one shirt in particular is sooo cute and hot, and the dress that I was so happy about too - I need to be smaller around to wear them well, otherwise they are a big letdown.

Anyway, so far this is working well with my brain. I hope it keeps up. :-)

Nov 8, 221

2010-11-08T10:51:00.002-05:00

Two nights ago I came to bed at 9:00 p.m. - no good reason for it, very strange. We were still in daylight savings then, even. So wound up skipping dinner. Had high hopes in the morning, but instead I had gained, back UP to 220. Could be that the breakfast I'm eating, which seems big, really is too many calories. And my energy level is non-existent. I haven't had any exercise since I nearly fainted at the gym a few days ago, though I did take a nice little walk yesterday. I mailed those 2 fitness employees a nice little card. Even though the weather has improved greatly, my mood is still withdrawn. I am wary. I was hit hard enough to need to abruptly reconsider my life, enough to feel it necessary to make drastic changes. So I'm staying withdrawn until I think through that. It's been fairly easy to be withdrawn - having no work and no life all week. My ability to focus mentally at this time is a rare occasion, too, so this is taking much longer than it should.

Yep - on the scale I am up again - 221. Too many calories for this activity level I guess.

Sometimes, when I observe my wrinkly skin, I think I'd rather just stay plump and get my belly removed/reduced.

Nov 4 219 - faint at the gym and moodiness

2010-11-04T13:22:00.003-04:00

Sucks to weigh more today than yesterday.

Yesterday was a crummy day. I was most of the way through the day before I realized it was gray and rainy and therefore a low barometric pressure day. So yes, a few circumstances in my life are weighing very very heavily on me - namely that I'm not getting any workcalls this week and I need money, and romantic hopes raised followed by complete shutdown... again... added to the typical I-have-no-friends-and-my-life-is-going-nowhere-and-someone's-gonna-die-and-that's-gonna-suck-and-I-can't-afford-a-house-health-insurance-or-a-trip-to-Europe-and-if-my-car-breaks-down-I'm-screwed-and-I'm-useless-and-uunwanted stuff. It was the sort of day it took all my energy to get out of bed. I shuffled a bag of trash up to the dumpster. I shuffled over to the grocery store.

I realized I have all this free time and I'm wasting it with this depression. So, even though it's still rainy and mopey I pushed myself out the door this morning and went to the gym. I wanted to put in more effort than a piddling recumbent bike, so I hopped onto the elliptical trainer for a standing workout, but decided that - since this was my first time in a few weeks - to start low and did the "Weight Loss Interval Workout." And suffered. It was only 28 minutes but I felt like my heart rate was too high so I held back even though I wanted to push harder - have to take it easy. By the end of the workout I felt horrible - I was faint, no color (I should have been red as a beet!), cold, weak, I had a lot of abdominal pain like menstrual cramps or the need to go to the bathroom. I lay down, then I went weakly to the bathroom, where I sat for a while and then wanted to lie down but not in this bathroom, so I weakly sought out a space where I could get on the floor and put my feet up and wait to feel better.

There was no one else in this workout area and I just felt awful and found myself thinking I didn't feel like getting up or sitting up and actually thought about calling someone with my cellphone to have them call the Y to come find me and make sure my heart was still beating. But I didn't want to cause undue worry or annoyance to my roommate or my brother so I waited, curled over onto my side (which felt good to my pelvis), waited some more, then stood and faintly made my way literally only a few steps around the corner, where two fitness employees shared an office, and I stood in the doorway and said I wasn't feeling well.

They jumped to attention, had me sit down. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't in yet, but one of them took my blood pressure and said it was 90 over 50 while the other went and got me some candy. And let me tell you - I ate that chocolate before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. That's twice in 4 weeks I've broken my vow, and I consider both cases legit.

Whether because I was already improving physically, or because human interaction was good for my soul and they were friendly and easy to get along with and not at all abrasive to interact with, or because of the chocolate, or whatever, I started to feel better.

It's not the first time it's happened to me - it's relatively common after jogging and I can remember lying on the floor with my feet up at least once after a workout at the gym before, years ago. But this was such a light workout. I do have low enough blood pressure usually - my BP has never been an issue - but I was rejected from donating blood earlier this year due to low pulse - 1 point below the limit. No doctor's visit has ever expressed any concern about my arterior activity, though it can be very hard to find a vein on me and I can never feel my own pulse unless it's up around 140, though nurses can.

It's just that it was such a lightweight workout! And it's not like I'm starving myself, though hadn't had breakfast yet (something they jumped on as a possible cause - I often prefer to get my exercise in before breakfast because if I wait until after, I'm afraid I might not ever get around to exercising - but I guess I'll have to work in some kind of protein+carb snack before workouts even if it's not in my meal plan to make sure this doesn't happen again.) I drank a glass of water before going.

They asked more than once if I was a diabetic and I answered "Not to my knowledge."

One of the fitness employees talked about how arteries constrict sometimes during exercise to keep blood going where it needs to go, and maybe that's why I get pelvic pain. Personally, I think all the blood sank into my pelvis, because it certainly wasn't in my head or my arms. I tend to want to blame my (as I imagine them) loose abdominals and chastise myself for always postponing ab work.

We had a dash of sunshine while I wrote this but it's gone now. Still, maybe the barometric pressure has gone up. I'm feeling a little better, I have the house to myself and want to do all the things that I always want to do with my free time - namely learn French and Welsh and read and write and paint, these days.

I also want to write or call them, let them know I got home okay. I want to get into writing more letters, being more engaged. I wrote to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, just to thank them for the rally. I want to write to my community's leaders and my government representatives too. Not sure what I'd say but my Mom does it, her Dad used to do it, and I have a young friend who does it too.

Nov 3, 218.5

2010-11-03T13:29:00.001-04:00

I weigh 218.5 and I'm too depressed to move. Definitely no comments necessary on this post. I will try to update my finances, pay my bills, and read.

post-weekend, Nov 2, still under 220!

2010-11-02T12:10:00.002-04:00

219 pounds this morning. I had gained over the weekend. Food accessibility was difficult. We were staying at my uncle's place in/near Annapolis, MD, but our hosts were not there, so we were not keen on eating their food, yet we didn't know where to get our own because we were in the middle of a dark wilderness of mansions with no mercantile establishments in sight and no idea how to get to one. I had a little stale raisin bran and a pack of Lance crackers or something. And candy corn out of the dish on the counter.

Then in the morning we drove to the subway and got on it and landed in the middle of DC, hungry. We ate McDonald's burgers at a sidewalk cart. Dad skipped on the fries, so I did too, but I got a Quarter Pounder with cheese. There weren't many options. Had we got there 10 minutes earlier I could have had an egg mcmuffin.

We eventually ate dinner at around 7 or 8 that night in an expensive Mexican restaurant where you get several small courses. The food was excellent quality cuisine with good ingredients, and the prices kept me from overindulging.

Once back in Annapolis we went on a hunt for a convenience store for drinks and nibbles, and I got a peanut/caramel protein bar and an orange.

Sunday we drove back, stopping for lunch at a cafe where I got roast beef with mashed potatoes with a ton of gravy that I scraped off, and delicious salad bar. I ate as much as I could knowing it would be the last I'd eat for a while. Though I did buy gumdrops later in the trip at a convenience store that didn't offer many healthy satisfying options.

So, still avoiding the chocolate, I still had plenty of refined sugars. Once back in town that night, on the way back to my house, I stopped at a convenience store to get something (wasn't sure what, just something to help satiate my growing hunger, thinking of caramels) and wound up getting a cherry & cream cheese danish, a lance oatmeal cream cookie, and some caramels. All of which I ate by the end of the night. Yesterday morning I weighed something like 224.

Over the course of yesterday I hardly did anything. I did eventually make breakfast, eventually make lunch, a little housework, and then realized I was too tired to deal with dinner and hoped that would save me a little on today's weigh-in. Maybe it did!

Oct 27, 219.5

2010-10-27T13:34:00.002-04:00

Wow, I have waited all morning to get under 220, but it happened. Yay. 219.5, I guess. I am impatient for more results.

Oct 226, 220: Art and Creativity

2010-10-26T15:33:00.002-04:00

Ok, well, I am almost back to that new decade. ***sigh*** All part of the weight loss roller coaster? Not gonna analyze it. I want to get back below 220! I was happy to be there, I felt successful!

I've had a couple days off now. It's been great fitting more in between my Kingdoms of Camelot playing. Sleeping. Lounging. Plenty of time to get around to exercise. Housecleaning. Northern Exposure. Attending to my food preparation. Mindfulness. And kind of most exciting of all for me right now - I'm doing art work. I bought a package of acrylic paints on a whim, because I am loaded with cash. I can be a really good drawer, but I want to do something with splashes of color, I'm a big fan of color. But I'm not skilled with paint. So I'm just practicing. Playing. And this morning I drew a template and cut it out to create the pattern for my next painting, and it took me back to childhood. I know all kids have little art classes when they are growing up where they do crafts, but for me it's kind of Times 2 because my Mom was the art teacher, my Mom is an artist, and she would come up with crafts and art projects for us sometimes when we were kids, not to mention we were always in her art classes. I have to credit her with teaching me how to see things artistically when I was young. Flashback to an earlier time of greater mindfulness, a time before internet, frankly. It's really special to be alone with my own mind working creatively. I tend to be really good at seeing something that someone else created and knowing how it needs to be improved - I'm not sure if that's a skill I should be at all proud of. In fact, one way of looking at it is that it's annoying. I come from a background in which creativity as well as intellectualism are valued. Yet my job, while being somewhat artistic, is not fully creative. I take something that's already partially made and then I draw it together with my lighting. It's typical of me and my skills - to see what's already been done, and make it better in just the right way. When I was young, I could write stories. I created them out of nothing and without self-consciousness. There was like a spark. But now, as an internet junkie, true creativity has fallen by the wayside.

Oct 25, 221.5

2010-10-25T12:25:00.002-04:00

I was on plan yesterday and though I wasn't active during the day (pretty much stayed on the sofa) I did go for a good walk and included a bit of a jog so that was something. However the scale is giving me a disappointing reading. So I'll wait for better satisfaction tomorrow. Right now I'm going to get rubbed down for 50 minutes. I've never done this before and I'm getting kinda nervous.

Chocolate ban interrupted

2010-10-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

Ok, well, what did it take to have my personal ban on chocolate interrupted after 2 weeks? Could have been a menstrual thing, or could have been that I had to go in to work at 3:00 a.m. this morning after only 2 hours of sleep - but I think mostly it was because the cookies were delivered to me out of the blue by someone I very much want to have doing sweet little thoughtful things for me. They were 4 little gourmet cookies, they had chocolate in them. The first one tasted good but hit me like a rock. An hour later, the next three were much easier to stomach all at once. And 2 to 3 hours after that, I decided to have a KK doughnut and two iced sugar cookies, and let me tell you, I worked really hard to force that last frosted sugar cookie into my now-normalized blood-sugar level. My tummy was saying "No! No!" and my will was saying "Yes, Yes!!!" Go figure. Getting your body clock out of whack on the day you start your period especially after an excellent scale reading can very likely cause a backslide. I won't even call it a backslide, more like a blip. Today I weighed 221, back up from my wonderful 219.5. In fact, I didn't stand on the scale very much because I didn't want to see the number go higher. Whatever I weigh today is just a blip on the road. I have predicted all along that there would be blips (hello holiday season!)

As an aside, I'll have you know that (before I broke my chocolate ban) I went to a play yesterday where they distributed little bites of brownie during the performance. A platter of my favorite concoction of edible ingredients was placed under my nose. Would it have killed me to take one? No, except that it would have broken the ban on the chocolate, and just been more of an open door to cheating. So, at that time, I resisted - annoyed by the Satanic temptation placed before me.

Twelve hours later circumstances were different.

4 more weeks on the no chocolate thing.

Also, this weekend, I'm going on a road trip to D.C. with my Dad - the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity. Should be fun to hang out with thousands of like-minded people, plus a trip to D.C. in the bargain. But as for what to eat - clearly I have no idea - what food will be available - where I'll be and when I'll eat. I can try to be a good girl. That always works out well - ha.

A new decade!

2010-10-22T12:08:00.002-04:00

Oo, la la! The scale seems pretty well settled under 220 today. 219.5 I'm claiming officially. Just yesterday I was thinking how boring and frustrating it was starting to feel, losing weight I already lost months ago. But this "passing the long line" of 220 and into a new decade feels very refreshing! And exciting as well, I could now, at 2 pounds per week, see 199 by New Year's Eve. It's still a long way from 180, or feels like it. So impatient am I.

I was also thinking yesterday about how strange it is - three weeks ago I was pounding down candy bars daily - like around 3 or so per day. Don't get me wrong - it was nice! But what's strange is that it was hard to imagine NOT doing it. And yet to remember that not too long ago it was hard to imagine eating that much chocolate/sugar/candy all at once.

Yesterday was a crummy day for me. Hormones took over me and made me very very moody. Very sad for the things I do not have, can never have, and will probably never have. That sadness and desperation is always there, but yesterday it took me over. While it was kind of nice to feel sorry for myself, hopefully today will be a bit more up. (I actually considered the possibility that my loss on the scale was due to all the weight I lost in TEARS and all the calories I burned WRITHING IN DESPAIR.)

I also had a Midori Sour last night. Not on the plan, but I did stop at one. Just really felt like the right night for it.

Last night I put on my size 16 dress. It stretched over my curves like a wetsuit, revealing everything. I kinda wanted to wear it tonight. I'm really in the mood to get out and buy a new outfit, something that makes me look hot. I just don't know if that's possible with this belly. ARGH! Plus I shouldn't be spending money. I just paid off my credit card (which had begun to carry a balance over the summer) but I owe my savings $1000 and I don't think I'm getting another check for a *while.*

Anyway, I'd better hurry, to get up, make breakfast, get primped and dressed and out the door, go to the farmer's market, buy hottie clothes, and go to my show's preview tonight.

Oct 21 - baffling scale

2010-10-21T10:59:00.004-04:00

Well, I just had a very strange time on the scale. Every time I stood on the scale I weighed less. I started at around 222.5-223, and wound up down around 219-220, getting frighteningly close to 218, but never making it. The last time I stood on the scale it was around 220, I think. In fact, the more I stood on the scale the more it seemed to adjust to the lower range. I think I kept trying because I thought that the higher readings would be more appropriate, but I don't know where they went. I guess I will happily report 220 to fitday and sparkpeople and accept that it might just be a blip on the charts, though, gosh golly, I hope it's a real sign of movement!

Yesterday I stayed on my meal plan but wondered if I was over-estimating my portion sizes, chewed lots of gum, had 3 sugarless hard candies, drank my 2 glasses of water and the rest diet soda - but not as many diet sodas yesterday as in recent days, not as much beverage overall. Biked 30 minutes but burned fewer calories because I was reading a magazine. Breakfast was cheese-tomato-avocado on toast with strawberries and coffee with soy milk; snack was a little tomato sauce and cheese on 1/2 a sandwich round, broiled as a pizza; lunch was a tuna-salad-stuffed tomato with macadamia nuts and yogurt; snack was cantaloupe and my last 2 soy hotdogs; and dinner was chicken, spinach, onions, and mushrooms with brown rice with an apple.

I'm going to try a sparkpeople meal plan and see how that goes for next week.

I'm still waiting for my midsection to behave!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I just went over to sparkpeople. They want me to eat between 1420 and 1750 calories per day, but they gave me a meal plan that was only 1250 calories? Screw it.

Oct 20, 2010 - 224

2010-10-20T09:23:00.003-04:00

Ok, I can't wait any longer, apparently my weight is 224 today. One blip in one day is no cause for freaking out, I guess :-/ I have decided it's due to one of two possibilities - (1) no bm this morning, or (2) my recumbent bike session of 2 days ago is building up loads of thigh muscle!!! Or some menstrual thing, I don't know.

It's a chilly and rainy morning and feels very nice. I love waking up naturally in the morning after a full night's sleep (8 hours for me.) My work is finally starting to let up a little. I'm spending far too much time craving things that I can't afford - travel, new clothes, new lingerie, new homes, and health insurance. I still don't seem to have a ton of *energy* - I feel loungy and lazy, especially in cold weather, I don't want to move! But I'm going to go do that biking again, and this time take my book, which I haven't cracked in probably over a week.

It's 9:38 but it feels like 8 a.m. I wish it were 8 a.m. so I could luxuriate the morning away. But nooooooo, I have to charge the day. Well, I will charge her gently.

no budge - 223

2010-10-19T10:19:00.002-04:00

I am holding steady at 223, I guess. Yesterday I did get on the recumbent bike and felt relatively out of shape :-) I haven't been cardiovascularly involved since about 6 or 8 weeks ago when I did spend a week going to the gym most days, but I included some running on the treadmill, hoping to build up to being a runner again, and then my feet got a bit hobbled, as they do sometimes. And I got all wrapped up in my laptop again.

Spent I suppose too much time on my laptop this morning, trying to find the most affordable way to see the Northern Lights. It might be Reykjavik, so far.

Yesterday I did stay on plan but added, oh, 4-6 ounces of champagne after rehearsal with the cast.

Well, maybe in a couple days I'll drop down a couple pounds all at once. There's nothing for me to do but keep on plan. I am eager to see the other side of 220.

So off I go into the day.

The honeymoon's over, but I'm still pushing.

2010-10-18T10:59:00.005-04:00

Today I can report a weight of 222.5, I guess. A slight loss. Still, and we knew it was coming, the honeymoon's over - the first week's great weight has come off, and yet I still feel like it's an effort and still have far to go and my jeans are still tight on me! It's been a rough week, and sadly there's still more to go.

I'm putting more effort right now into manageable daily to-do lists, but am having a hard time sorting out long-term goals at the mo. Right now I'm going to exercise before I even do my to-do list, because I do the to-do list over brekky and I want to exercise before brekky. Just a few minutes on the recumbent bike over there.

I feel I could break at any time, but I also feel that the "no chocolate for 6 weeks" thing is really helping me to not cheat. I look at a platter of candy that's been laid out for snacks at work - everything is either chocolate or something fruity. I like all candy, but the only stuff I'm tempted to cheat with is the chocolate. If I could have the chocolate, I might grab chocolate and/or Laffy Taffy or Skittles, but when I remember I can't have chocolate, I just shrug and pass on the whole thing.

And I wonder why it is such a weakness. Why do I think I should crave the "chocolate"-flavored coffee more than the "blueberry cobbler"-flavored or the cinnamon hazelnut - both are terrific flavors? Anyway, I'm not so stringent on this anti-coffee thing that I said no to the Chocolate-flavored coffee. But the others I really do like just as much and might like others as well.

I did, however, have a cookie yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it, so I at around the chocolate chips. A significant amount of the remainder of cookie consisted of a pecan half. The rest just tasted magnificent.

Well, I'm going to try to continue to post a blog every morning again and report in, even if it's just as boring (or more so) as this one, just as an incentive to be a good girl.

First week, 6 pounds down, 24 to go.

2010-10-17T09:01:00.004-04:00

Ok, week 1 complete, and I'm weighing 223.

It probably wasn't until well into my twenties that I started to see how men see the world, how they check out women's bodies. Now I do it. Downtown there's always some eye-catching women walking around, and when I spot one, I look around at all the men. It's amazing, men who are alone or with other men look brazenly - men who are with women don't look at all. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, or friend groups - men who are with women actually look like they didn't even see this hottie at all. Two nights ago there was a very striking, very skinny woman with long skinny legs sticking out from under some hyper-short spandex shorts and dropping into these tall powerful heeled shoes. Plus she was just standing on the street corner, on the phone I think, as if waiting for someone - and everyone was staring at her. In front of me was a couple in their 50s or 60s I'd say, man and woman, just left the Symphony. The man seemed to take no notice at all but the woman would not stop staring at this skinny-legged woman. I kinda felt sorry for the chick, she looked so exposed, but she didn't seem to mind so I guess she likes being stared at by everyone around, or doesn't mind.

Anyway the point is, last night, young ladies clubbing downtown, so many tight jeans and great figures. I thought about how well everyone's jeans fit and wondered about my belly - if it would ever amount to anything without surgery. I still think I want to know what it's like to be skinny, just once at least, during this life. Preferrably while I'm still pre-menopausal. Maybe even while I'm still in my 30s. But if I'm just gonna be droopy skin, it'll still be neat but not AS neat.

There was a group of people invited on the stage at last night's Opera opening before the show last night. All in formal wear. I was onstage checking the lights with my friend. All at once he stopped and said, "There's a proposal going on." So I turned and looked and saw a man on bended knee on the stage surrounded by all these people in formal dress, saying words like "I love you so much, will you be by my side forever." He was being very romantic, and the woman was moved to tears, and she seemed to accept. She was a heavy woman; a lovely woman, but definitely obese. I take note of the size of women who can find love in their life from men. He must have been a bundle of nerves but it all happened very fast and then we applauded them and congratulated them. I've never had a boyfriend. The guy I was with, I don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend but he hasn't had one for as long as I've known him which is nearly 10 years. He has no body issues, though, unless you count baldness, which has happened to him over the last 5-7 years. I don't think he wants a girlfriend though. His girlfriend is the thousands of girls who go to the clubs on display for him who don't even know he exists.

I felt almost as lucky to see that proposal as I felt to have seen a huge fireball high in the sky the other morning.

Anyway - on with my day. I have new meals for this week - hurrah. I'm excited to try Swiss chard for the first time in a Swiss chard and bean soup, which also has soy hot dogs in it, which I'll also be having for the first time. Sounds delish. :-) Also hydrating. I felt good to drink 2 full glasses of actual water yesterday. I will keep it on my to-do list for today. Which I will be making shortly. :-)

Oct 16 - 222, tentatively

2010-10-16T01:28:00.003-04:00

It's a bit jumping the gun maybe to register today's weight as 222, since last night's bout of sleep was really more like a nap and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I am up to go to the theatre now, and I will have to stay up a long time today, but I might manage a bit more sleep.

I was looking at my weight graph and thinking that it should look kinda remarkable after this 7 pounds loss, I should look like I'm getting somewhere - but it doesn't look like that. This one week of weight loss is but a blip on the graph of the past 18 months. Then all at once I noticed my goal weight line, extending out beyond where I am now, and moving down down down. It made me think that, rather than being about how far I've come, it should be about how far I have to go. This won't be over any time soon, so I might as well pull away from the graph. I don't know, it made sense in my head. :-)

I was a naughty girl yesterday and stayed awake but forgot to go to the grocery store, which I meant to do. So - if I hope to have food for tomorrow, I need to go to the grocery store. Which - I don't know when the hell that's going to happen between work and sleep.

*If* it doesn't happen, I will just try to "eat healthy" tomorrow.

All that said - this morning I saw a fireball in the sky. Larger than a shooting star, it crackled with golden sparks, didn't travel very far, seemed to stop even, and disappeared. I found where others saw it too, over a hundred miles from here. So cool. :-)

Oct 15 - 223

2010-10-15T04:56:00.004-04:00

Hm, I think I must have got off-track of the date of late. So today, no weight loss from yesterday. I am understanding. I'm going to concentrate on getting in some straight-up water today - I'm thinking water might have been the reason I lost control with some sugar-free jelly beans. Yesterday I began to feel confusion again about when to eat - it wound up being ok - it has to do with what I'm trying to do sleep-wise, but these days I'm finding my body won't let me stay awake too long - it starts to aggravate my spine, and muscles in a way it never did a year ago - trying to find a word for it, Dad said "jittery" and that's kinda right. Not that the muscles are jumping, but they are in a constant and increasing state of wanting to. I don't know if it's old age or if it's even the early symptoms of disease.

Anyway - I wound up getting more sleep last night than I'd wanted because my alarm was on vibrate. So I don't have as many hours of quiet contemplation at the theatre as I would have liked. Still - I'm not going to freak out. It's going to be a good day.

Another thing is that I started obsessing about moving out again. Just now I find evidence in the kitchen that my roommate's bf is back from NY and still here. Unless she's decided to go on Atkins, which seems unlikely since she doesn't like meat. So how long is he staying? Indefinitely? Anyway - I WANT MY CAT! And I found this cute apartment in a great location - right smack downtown. I didn't ever know I wanted to live downtown, but we have a tiny closed-off little historic district bursting with charm. I figure I could live there for a year - it's beyond my budget, so I started to see what other kinds of places I could get at $650 per month, too.

But this ill-timed obsession interfered with my productivity.

Oct 13 - 223

2010-10-14T06:40:00.002-04:00

I would have been disappointed not to have a loss today, but I would have understood. But ok, I got another pound off today, weighing in at 223. That's 6 pounds down since Sunday. The cool thing about that is that, now, at a rate of 2 pounds per week (too optimistic?) I can hope to get right at 200 by year's end, and *if* I pushed or were lucky, could see the other side of 200 by year's end.

I had to walk past ANOTHER plate of brownies yesterday. No chocolate until Nov 21. Oy. How about one of Subway's wonderful oatmeal raisin cookies on Sunday or something? Eh, better not put that much sugar in me so soon, I think.

My jeans were feeling very very tight and uncomfortable around my midsection yesterday. The 16s with just the barest touch of stretchiness.

Oooo, a sexy crack of thunder at 7 a.m.! How exotic!

huge waist

2010-10-13T12:26:00.003-04:00

You know, I was feeling pretty good about my weight loss this morning, but then today I was weighing in and decided to get my measurements so I could see how they'd changed and see how they will change as I continue to lose weight again. Man. Well, for one thing, and maybe it's just the bra I'm wearing, but it's the first time ever that my chest measured as smaller than my waist. I HATE THAT! Besides, before I even took the measurement I looked at myself in the mirror and thought - "Whoa. That doesn't look at all right." My goodness, my shape. And I'm pretty sure that my waist is not happy with the waistband of these jeans. Oh, well, I can look forward to that changing soon and that will feel good.

Oct 13, 224 yay :-)

2010-10-13T07:52:00.002-04:00

Ah, the first week of a diet, when the weight just seems to melt away. After 3 days, I'm down 5 pounds from where I started. But still only back to where I was a couple weeks ago when I hit 225 and thought "Darn, I'm getting too fat again!"

No struggles or hunger still - though I will say my roommate left the brownies uncovered last night so this morning as I prepared my food for the day I could smell them too. My mantras took full force - it would be so easy to have *just one* if I hadn't vowed to stay the course completely - for at least 6 weeks, hopefully long enough to have some changes ingrained into me again. As Stephen wrote at whoatemyblog.com today - "The behavior of eating temptations is not good. It leads to giving in to every temptation I run into, and THAT will destroy my weigh-in."

So I'm eating way more cottage cheese this week than I realized when I planned my meal plan for this week. Breakfast this morning was a cup of cottage cheese and a WHOLE BUNCH of fruit - cantaloupe and berries. And 6 macadamia nuts. Honestly, I worried it wouldn't satisfy me. But I only have to last until snack, which will last me until lunch. And trust the meal plan. I haven't felt hunger before, why should I now? That cantaloupe was SO good.

Anyway - weigh-in should be a good one at the end of this week. I *think* my jeans feel less tight - around my waist in particular, more than around my legs, which is really the ideal way for it to happen. That's really important - to fit into my jeans again.

So - today while I'm sitting around doing nothing at work - I need to create a new meal plan and grocery list for next week, and also really put forth some thought into some fitness goals. Core muscles, thighs, and arms, and also butt. Just a few simple exercises like crunches and sit ups and knee lifts and lunges and squats and leg lifts and bicep curls, several times a week should do it.

Oct 12 - 226

2010-10-12T03:44:00.005-04:00

Gotta make this quick and head out to work. Only 226 today. **pout** Just kidding. I might have hoped for another 2-pound loss instead of just 1 today, but 1 pound in one day is fine, even after only 2 days. I'm still on board, still motivated and using my mental mantras to ignore abrupt urges to reach out and grab something I shouldn't. Also thinking about having to report to this blog has motivated me, too. I can't fall away this time. Only 5 weeks and 5 days until I can have chocolate again! but who's counting? Seriously, I haven't really missed it yet. The hardest part right now is packing up the food, which I have to go do now.

Oh, hey, did I mention my roommate made a pan of brownies my first day on the diet? HAHAHAHA! To make it worse - she isn't one of those people who eats half the pan in one day, she can't tolerate more than a little bit at a time, poor thing, and her boyfriend is on Atkins but I think he had a bite-sized piece. Slowly slowly they are disappearing from their CLEAR GLASS PAN covered in PLASTIC WRAP on the KITCHEN COUNTER - totally visible, under my nose while I prepare my meals - they're about half gone now.

Vinegar shows up a lot. Balsamic vinegar on my tomatoes, red wine vinegar and olive oil on salads, lite red wine vinegar salad dressing... I figured the acidity did something to moderate appetite, especially maybe in conjunction with the fatty olive oil. But I looked it up and apparently it has been suggested that vinegar is good for your blood sugar level. So apparently it's not an accident. When I transition from the Low Glycemic plan, a lot of times it doesn't specify vinegar on your salads but just instructs for a tablespoon or so of any lite salad dressing, so I got myself some light Thousand Island. Frequently I would think I should use the vinegar, but it was a hard decision to make because I sort of gravitate to the Thousand Island. But I felt pretty sure that the Thousand Island wasn't bringing about the same feeling of goodness/satiety that I felt from using the vinegar.

So, yeah - vinegar.

In fear that my size 18s were being worn too many days in a row, I pulled out some clean 16s. These 16s are longs and they have a little elasticity in them. Right now the waistband is sort of digging into my guts a little bit. But these jeans are always tight just after they're washed, and they get real loose after a little wearing. I went for a walk yesterday and felt the tightness of my jeans pulling across my legs as I walked - the size 18s. That was more motivation. I've gotten bigger, need to get smaller.

Two days down, three pounds down, and still seeing indentations from my socks in the puffiness of my legs.

I have to be awake for a long time today. Breakfast at 3:00 a.m., not going to sleep until nearly midnight, probably - unless something can be worked out...

Have a happy!

Update after one day, continuing personal motivation

2010-10-11T01:30:00.004-04:00

First day under my belt with no problems. I almost didn't even eat everything, but then I did. I'm sure the first day was a little easy because I'm not starving yet, I'm still holding on to extra calories from recent days. We'll see if I get at all light-headed in the coming days.

Once or twice I considered "cheating" but I didn't because I had all my food for the day with me and even a schedule of when to eat it. I'm trying to stick to the schedule because I took it very seriously when I first started, back when I was just following ediets prescription to the letter. Breakfast upon rising, snack after 5 hours, Lunch after 2 hours, snack after 5 hours, dinner after 2 hours, right before bed. That's the glycemic plan - the schedule is intended to keep your blood sugar level, without spikes or valleys. Sometimes I might feel like the snack isn't enough after 5 hours, but then I'd remember it's only supposed to tide me over a couple of hours.

I have wasted my 1st two hours of today in bed. (I'm currently waking up around 11 pm and going to sleep around 5pm. I had hoped to get a couple more hours of sleep.) Now I need to get up, wash dishes, and prep food for today as well. Doesn't have to be as much, though, because I am free to come home whenever I want today YAY! Concerned about exercise, I think I will go get on the exercise bike even though it will lose me precious night time - just to make sure I DO exercise today. It would be better to wait until day and then go to the gym, though - it's just a question of whether I trust myself to do that.

Being on this schedule is great except for 2 things - (1) no nightlife, if you can go without it, and (2) an excess of darkness combined with a lack of interpersonal contact can play havoc with my feelings. But I've always liked the sparse population and the quiet of the dead of night and the very early morning ie pre-dawn.

And now my weight loss results after my first day - scale reads 227 - 2 pounds down. Hope those jeans fit better today! I could *almost* hope to get under 200 by New Year, *almost*.

Motivational blurbs time -

want to fit back into those size 16s

want to lose this belly

want to be pretty, dress pretty

It's attainable now, if I stick to it.

Need to go ahead and schedule my meal planning for next week so I don't let it slip by - that has derailed me several times this summer.

"I don't eat that crap." "I'm allergic to chocolate and refined sugars." It's important." "I have all the food I need in my meal plan. It's already taken care of."

10/10/10 229

2010-10-10T04:23:00.002-04:00

I've still been gaining weight, watching myself baffled at the way I eat when I let myself go for too long. I was never supposed to be gone this long! I go to the grocery store for my weekly meal plan, then somewhere during the week my plans get interrupted and I think "Well, we'll make a little exception," or I get confused or behind or have to run out the door unexpectedly with no time to prepare food and well, we'll make a little exception. Lately, though, I am feeling very uncomfortable in my size 18s. I am pouring over the top of them, too, and all my clothes that I bought when I was size 16 are now too small.

So, here we go again. A stocked fridge, a simple meal plan. A full week of work ahead of me.

Rededicating. "It's important." I want to be under 200 by the end of the year, wouldn't that be something? At a rate of 2 pounds per week straight, I could come close, but wouldn't make it. And I would rather be the tortoise and win the race than the hare and lose it - it's all about long-term.

I would like to be on the fall plan and be eating squashes and sweet potatoes, but I went on the glycemic plan because what I think is my blood sugar issue is out of control just like it was when I started. I want to feel myself get back in control. I told my Dad - a real person in real life - that I'm quitting chocolate again for 6 weeks. So there ya go. (Yikes!) But seriously - no big deal. "I don't eat that crap." Halloween candy was never my favorite anyway. It's Easter candy season that tempts me!

When I started the first time, I set a goal of losing "any amount of weight" but set a long-term goal of 220, didn't I, a loss of 65 pounds. I have three long-term goal numbers in mind - 199, 192, and 180.

"I don't need to eat anything that isn't on the plan - my meal plan has me covered."

What I'm remembering is that - in the first week or two - I was hungry. Most of the time I was fine, but the first two weeks - maybe more - I felt withdrawal. Waiting 5 hours to eat a small snack, then two more before my meal seemed like it would be hard. But I did it, because I was that obsessed, that desperate, for real results. I shoved almost everything else out of my mind and out of my life and was a dieter.

Apparently I got rid of any size 20 jeans and I'd rather not spend money on jeans any larger. So unless I'm going to start wearing sweatpants, things are getting kinda desperate right now.

I think the past several entries have been me rededicating. I apologize to readers, because I know that's not inspiring and it's kinda sad and pathetic-seeming to readers.

Hopefully next week I'll pop back in and be able to proclaim proudly that I've stuck to it for the whole week. And there should definitely be some water-weight results to make me feel a little better and keep me dedicated.

Sep 10, 225

2010-09-10T12:58:00.003-04:00

La ti da ti da. Are you bored with my postponements and failures yet? I'm 225 today, and fell off track during my stressful time at work again and found myself unable to drag myself away from work long enough to prepare healthy balanced meals, or even think about healthy balanced meals. And stress binging, and rewarding myself with edible treats. And now? Now I'm getting ready to go out of town for a few days - AGAIN! Which doesn't mean I have to be bad but I'm going to visit Dad and he's not necessarily a good influence on my eating habits but he can be, but I don't have to fall into the mud just because I'm away from my kitchen without a rope - I can use this time to practice being mindful and moderate.

In wondering when's a good time to do this, I'm realizing that work isn't the issue. First of all, this laptop is probably the worst thing. I'm too addicted to it. If I don't know what to do with myself for 1 second, I reach for the laptop. Then, I don't get off it nearly soon enough. Hours of the day dissolve away unrecognized as I click click click. It's not just showing itself in my eating and exercise habits - I can't get my housework done, can't keep a decent work schedule, and can't get my bills paid on time -- this is not how I am.

Last year when I started the diet, part of it involved retreating from the world. It was a little depressive, really, a recognition that other people were not there for me and so to just pull away from them. So I wasn't scouring facebook because no one was there for me, and I wasn't seeking interaction with friends or even family so much as usual.

Anyway, I need to break from the laptop a bit and focus more on tangible earthly goals and the world around me.

I don't quit this blog because I haven't given up yet. I still intend to reach my goal. It's just that getting back on track is getting hard. So my next goal is to break from the time-consuming stuff on the internet.

Sep 3, 219

2010-09-03T20:50:00.004-04:00

Ok, my weigh in today was up to 219. It is REALLY hard to get back on track 100% this time. If I could manage to be prepared, it wouldn't be so hard. But ok this time there's more getting in the way - and it's my work schedule. I just can't get ahead. I have to be up all night tonight and well into the day tomorrow. I'm too stressed and flaked out to even be able to think what to make. Even though I just had lunch, I'm having premonitions of breaking down and having candy-type foods in the next 20 hours some time.

Finding the commitment is harder this time around. I might not be entirely free of the effects of sugar. I also think I spend way more time on the computer than I realize even. Supposedly I have 2 snacks and a dinner left in my "day" of eating. I'm really ready to walk out the door and do some work now, not prepare food. I think they might be in rehearsal now, though, in which case I have nothing better to do than prepare some dinner and think and plan about my eating for the next 20 hours. But I am to flaked out to "think" anything out carefully. If the painter is there that's just going to be a burden for me.

By the way, last night I took a little break and went for a walk then jog. I have a long-distance friend who just posted that he jogged 9 MILES. This from being a shlub 9 months ago. I have been having foot problems and jogging on the treadmill has seemed hard and basically I just am scared to overdo it, but last night I jogged just to make sure I still could. I felt a little tightness in my heels but my cardiovascular system was on it, I only did a quarter mile but I could have gone much longer. Should I think about 9 miles?

Sep 2, 2010 218.5

2010-09-02T19:28:00.002-04:00

Well - I was kind of worried about what today's scale would read because last night, I stayed at the theatre and worked and I got noshy and noshed on - baked cheetos (how do they even make baked cheetos?), baked sour cream and cheddar ruffles potato chips, peanut m&ms and a baby ruth. My calories for yesterday were up to around 2300. I guess I thought I'd ruined me again. But this morning (and by morning I mean when I finally awoke around 3:30 pm) I weighed 218.5. Surprised, yes. It's not like I've been starving myself enough for a binge to cause weight loss, by my understanding.

So I'm not proud of myself for cheating even if the scale seemed to have rewarded me.

I have just spent, like, 2 hours preparing and packing my food for the day. I ate the breakfast already and I feel like - I hope I am prepared to make it through the night on-plan. I saw Escape From Obesity's blog and was inspired again - I want to be not obese (again) and I want to be under 200 pounds (for once) and I want my belly to disappear and if I'm going to make it to the gym before they close I'd better get up and go.

The end of today, or the beginning of tomorrow?

2010-09-01T05:44:00.003-04:00

Well, I stayed on the computer a couple hours longer than I meant to, then had to work to make up for that to save face. Now it's 5:45 a.m. and I'm still not going to the grocery store. It's all good, though, I'll go tomorrow afternoon before rehearsal! It only leaves the question of what to do about breakfast. I do still have eggs and toast, though, and milk and apples, so no big deal.

The other complication is that I've gone to nocturnal mode. Which means, how do I count the snack food I had tonight? As the end of yesterday or the beginning of today? In the past, I've always counted my food days as from waking to sleeping. But some days I stay up too long for that - usually to get out of nocturnal mode I stay awake until the next day rather than try to get up earlier... So I'm going by midnight to midnight, or maybe at least 2 a.m. to 2 a.m. - whatever feels right but I'm putting those baked Cheetos and peanut butter crackers down for Sep 1. After sleeping most of the day away, I'll probably be able to stay within my calorie range for this 24-hour period.

midnight snack

2010-08-31T23:21:00.003-04:00

So, I still haven't got to the grocery store, which meant today I kinda played it by ear. So far, ok. My breakfast of eggs and toast with lite butter and apricot preserves and very milky iced coffee was some 600 calories - more than the oat bran meal would have been. Then dinner was a Subway club sandwich - footlong - and chips - NOT COOKIES!!! Pretty exciting. I was actually able to just not even want a cookie all that much. I mean, yeah, I wanted a cookie. But I didn't feel like I was going to give in. I'm telling, Subway cookies may have been my downfall getting into this sugar rehab mess. One day I actually went and didn't even get a sandwich - just 5 cookies.

Anyway - that food brought me to about 1500-1600 calories for today. And in a half-hour, "today" will be over.

That said - I'm at the theatre now and plan to stay here and work for a while. Then go to the grocery store on the way home, say 4 a.m. When I'm bad, I raid their snack bar pretty hard. But I'm not being bad now, but I'm not sure what to nosh on. I don't even have any gum. I need to maybe step out, get some gum and some appropriate snack that will stabilize me. An apple? Cheese crackers? A green pepper? Where is the nearest 24-hour grocery store? Not very near here, anymore. Certainly not a quick trip. What would I find at the convenience store? Guess I'll go find out. One cool thing is that most convenience stores have fresh fruit available now. I just mustn't choose banana - it's not suitable for my glycemic needs.

Aug 31 2010, 220 pounds and holding

2010-08-31T13:32:00.002-04:00

Benn hanging out at 220, waiting for the next big dip on the scale. ::drums fingers::

To be honest, the past two days I wasn't completely adherent to the plan. Sunday I went on an outing with Mom and we went to a restaurant where I had a very healthy and delicious salad that I figured easily fit within my plan. Then I wound up staying at Mom's late and had dinner at her place - I chose PBJ and a can of chicken noodle soup which altogether seemed to come to about 600-700 calories, so not terribly off. Later that night, finished off the last of a bag of tortilla chips.

Yesterday I had a good breakfast, and then a lunch, and a mini-personal-watermelon (half with lunch, half for dinner), and some sugar-free candies but not the whole bag. And a Lindt chocolate ball which was AMAZING but just the one.

I feel like my appetite is back under control so it's just a matter of making good choices to keep it that way, unswayed by the power of sugar.

Meanwhile I've been slack about getting back to the grocery store. Yesterday was my absolute last day to do it so that today I could work. Apparently, I'm running kinda late on this getting back to work thing. I guess what I'll do is finish off my getting-my-life-in-order stuff today as best as I can, go to rehearsal tonight where hopefully I'll see some useful staging, and then start the design tonight. There's really not a lot I can do without having seen the staging for the whole play, and I've only seen most of Act I so far.

Aug 28, 219.6 - getting more satisfied

2010-08-28T16:16:00.002-04:00

Ok, so today seems to be the day, so far anyway, that I'm feeling more controlled and less deprived. My period started today, I've been working and sweating outside all morning and downing no-cal beverages from water to Diet Coke, so who knows if those are mitigating factors against the having-been-off-the-sugar thing. I've had breakfast and lunch and I still have my 2 snacks and dinner to have in the next 8 hours so I should be fine, I think. Yesterday I had some more sugar-free candy in addition to my meal plan (low sugar doesn't mean low calorie!) but today I seem less interested. In fact, I seemed to respond more to the sight of lollipops and gummi bears than my usual chocolates and nougats and cakes and so on. I think I tend to prefer/crave fruity foods and scented-body-washes when I'm thirsty.

My hope is that staying off the sugar will bring my binging back under control. It seems I do have an eating disorder after all - I love refined sugar foods and the more I eat, the more I want. When I'm under control, I can grant myself little allowances without messing up my system, but if I keep the allowances on a daily basis for a few days, start to increase them at all, and before you know it, it's 3 candy bars because not one of them was the one you really wanted so you hoped the three different ones might compensate, and then it's all cookies and candy and footlong subs and when do I eat next and who knows what's going on?

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, but knowing it is a good first step. Sometimes I would think "If I just thought of myself as a diabetic or something - someone who had to eat healthy or they would die." Not that I hope to be a diabetic, of course. Maybe there could be a system where I can eat sweets one week but take the next week off or something. I don't know.

My birthday's coming up and I wonder if there's such a thing as sugarless cake. Seems possible. Some sort of applesauce cake or something. I will look and see.

Anyway, today's (hopefully) the landmark day worth noting where I don't feel like I'm starving. Given that, I'm kinda looking forward to weighing myself again tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My meal plan's been really repetitive all week. Due to a mistake, oat bran with apples for breakfast EVERY DAY - though yesterday when I was pressed for time I had frozen multi-grain waffles with cottage cheese and blueberries. I get 2 snacks per day and EVERY DAY those two snacks are (1) a tomato and 2 egg whites with lite oil and vinegar dressing, and (2) 2 slices of tomato with cottage cheese, carrot sticks and green olives. Lunch has been either (1) a 200-cal Lean Cuisine with a tomato and cheese and balsamic vinegar salad (I had a LOT of tomatoes this week - didn't quite realize until I got around to it) or (2) a cheese-topped veggie burger on a slice of rye with fried zucchini and strawberries and almonds. Dinner has been either a ham caesar salad or a spinach and bean salad. I think the same-iness has contributed to my success - preparations were rote, and the lack of variety might have also kept me a little more unenthused by my food.

Last night I went from 4:00 pm until 10:45 pm without eating and by the time I got home I was STARVING. (I had 2-4 sugar-free candies in the car on the way home, which was around 200-300 calories.) Still, I made my snack and dinner salad when I got home - going only a little overboard with some of the ingredients, maybe, but not much if at all - but as I ate I could feel the change coming gradually as the food hit my system, and after I was done I took notice of the difference at how comparatively satisfied I felt.

August 27, 220 lbs

2010-08-27T10:56:00.003-04:00

220 pounds! Wow, that was abrupt! Even I didn't expect that.

Aug 26 - part 2

2010-08-26T23:57:00.002-04:00

I

am

HUNGRY!

Over and over, especially if I wait too long to eat, I begin to have visions, almost taste hallucinations - of whatever - chicken salad, russell stover chocolates, crackers, pie. They come at me sometimes as the result of a smell, and sometimes out of nowhere! Tonight our houseguest was cooking dinner. I'd driven all the way back home just to get my snack. I had to leave ASAP for fear of the aromas of her cooking. Today I waited too long to eat breakfast - until about 3 or 4 p.m. and for the first time since I can remember, that tbig bowl of oat bran left me HUNGRY. I went ahead and ate midmorning snack and lunch too. Then I was overfull. I'm wearing my size 16 shorts and a shirt and both are too small for me but it's a healthy reminder that these clothes need to at least fit (if not get kinda baggy.) I'm chewing on gum and slurping up crystal light just to deal.

I'm headed home now (soon) for a spinach bean salad. It's going to be the best spinach-bean salad ever!

Aug 26, 2010, 223 pounds

2010-08-26T13:06:00.002-04:00

As I just informed Facebook - summer's over. I had some troubles getting back on the plan this summer. When I go to work sometimes I have no idea if I'll be there for 4 hours or until late at night, and the concerts I work often cater - sometimes with healthy food, but with no predetermined limits on how much one should or shouldn't eat, and with desserts of course. And the camping trips and road trips and the not being able to get to the grocery store... And I started off the summer allowing myself, and every time I'd try to get back started there would be some reason or other to hold off one more day.

For instance, the other day I decided NOW'S THE TIME. Now's the time to get back on board. It was Monday, and I was transitioning into work mode from summer mode, and I made it to the grocery store, and I go in to work, and someone's girlfriend had baked toffee pecan brownies for everyone on the crew. Having just breakfasted on oat bran and apples and walnuts, I resisted, because "It's important."

But then on Tuesday, we wound up being kept at work from 8 a.m. until midnight, and I hadn't expected to be there past, oh 5:00. So I didn't pack the whole day's worth of food, and went to get some Pho noodle soup from a restaurant for dinner, and some sugar-free candies (to get off the sugar kick) and then in the evening I was dealing with gross fatigue and people put cookies and bagels in front of me and I kept going back and the next day I weighed more again.

Yesterday, then, was Wednesday and I stayed "on-plan" and I expect I will again today and tomorrow. Saturday I have an all-day gig at a concert venue again - I really kind of don't want to do it, but I can't really say no to the money. I can pack my food for the whole day, but it might still be hard not to get "shaky." Over the past few months my appetite and intake have increased back to their original levels, so as I go back on-plan, I realize I do feel a little light-headed and hungry. I feel this is temporary as I get back on plan, so there is that little push to stay on plan until it gets easier and not fall off every 2-3 days.

"It's important."

So I've not been dieting, not been blogging, not been weighing myself, not been keeping track. I got up to around 225. Today I'm 223 or 224 - wait - I'll go check - 223, possibly even 222.5. 222.5 would indicate progress to me - 223 is still in holding mode. :-) I've gotten a long way from my goal of getting under 200 pounds but that is still my aim. More immediately, I just want my size 16s to fit again! Though it has been nice to have full boobs again. (truth!)

gotta cut the sugar out

2010-08-16T02:50:00.008-04:00

Hey. I haven't posted because I haven't gotten myself back on track. I mean, I do for about a week and then some kind of confusion or slackness or project gets in the way. It's been a long process of going from small allowances to getting pretty much right back where I was in the very beginning. The most recent thing to get in the way of my efforts was an impromptu road trip that wound up taking a week and was a lot of driving and rushing and sleeping in the car. Right now, I'm expecting to take several days to go camping with Dad, so it doesn't seem a good time now to get back on it either. But I'm looking at several empty boxes of Fiber One bars on my bed and knowing that the reason I binged on them was because of the sugar. Clearly I need to go back on the Glycemic Index plan and cut the sugar out of my diet in order to restore order. And next time I get to where I feel confident enough to give myself tiny little allowances, I will remember this. Sugar is my major downfall. I was balanced pretty good there for a while but the monster grew large. I've been on large amounts of it daily for a while now. I watch it happen and remember not too long ago when things were different. Yesterday I took my picture and didn't like my face - that's a big difference from my pictures where I thought it was hard to take an ugly picture of my face. And I weigh about the same now as I did then, so it could be that the bad foods are making my face puffy and lumpy in ways that they were less so before. (Just call me the queen of confusing sentence structure.)

I don't feel drastic and I'm not beating myself up, but I do feel confused when I watch myself go through the process of binging.

Diet's not the only place I'm letting things get possibly out of hand - I'm also just not even paying attention to the whole making money thing and yet I am spending. I figure this will last until the theatre season starts up again in a couple weeks. Right now I guess I'm on summer vacation.

I don't weigh myself much anymore (compared with every day before) but I think I'm at about 220-225.

So just letting you know that I keep getting delayed but I am consistently aware that things are getting to a point that I can't let it go on like this forever.

I also haven't been exercising not on much the road trip or since the road trip since I've been focused on blogging about it - and not just writing out my scribbled thoughts like I do here, but actually kind of trying to make a real blog out of it, and practice journalistic skills and layout and organized writing. Really put some effort into doing it right. I'm afraid I fell far short of that, but I hadn't planned to do it before and so I wasn't as well-prepared as I might have been. And after all that effort, it doesn't seem to be anything my friends are actually going to read anyway. My parents said they wanted more information, but my friends probably want less. Anyway, I had to rush to get it all out and done before I forgot it or lost momentum, and it took all week! Amazing!! Between that and the road trip, it's really starting seem like things are taking 7 times as long as they should!!

Now that it's done, though, hopefully I can start pushing through on some shorter tasks that need to get done. It'll feel great to make some progress.

July 20, 215

2010-07-20T11:36:00.002-04:00

There it is, today's weight is 215. Last time I weighed myself was 2 weeks ago at 205. Don't worry, people, someone made the comment that I must feel bad about myself. I don't feel bad about myself. There are more important things in life than losing weight with constant success! I was lucky - I lost 70-80 pounds last year and got to ride that ride, and it was a great ride! But I always knew things would slow down. One thing's for sure, I'm really dependent on meal plans. Last time I was posting here I was talking about unsubscribing from ediets but I know I can't do that right now until I make my own meal plans successfully as a way of life. When faced with open-ended eating without a plan, I get baffled, I really do.

I'm still overwhelmed with work stress, and life's kind of a drag right now. Had to get up early to go in at 4:00 and get some work done this morning on one show and the other show is breathing down my neck, too. Nevertheless, when the time came to leave this morning, I popped over to the gym for a quick swim to remind my body about exercising and my mind that it's not that hard to fit in 30 minutes of movement.

picking myself back up again

2010-07-19T17:41:00.004-04:00

Hey. I haven't been posting because I haven't at all been on plan. I have been on no plan. I haven't even been weighing myself. I was sick and then I was busy with work and had a week-long obsession with a computer game. I'll be so happy when next week's dance show is past. I am not well-made for freelancing, it seems, at this time in my life.

But, I did have some time off today and went to the grocery store. I have been off-plan for so long now I don't really remember what on plan feels like. Again. :-) But I can tell you that off-plan (better to call it no-plan) kinda sucks a bit. I don't feel nearly as good in comparison.

I hate to think about how exercisey I was before I got sick and how different it is now. Just a couple days can changing your habits can make a real difference in how you feel, and a couple weeks begins to make it seem more normal, easier to embrace.

I feel a bit of a need to go back to being strident for a while. Start again on the same path I probably posted about last time I was here - to get to 182, wasn't it? To definitely push to under 200 pounds. Using exercise and meal planning. And go off the sweets again for a while. Three months isn't so long to push past the barrier, and then think of the benefits.

I'm working now with a director who I suppose hasn't seen me since I weighed a lot more, so he gushed a little bit about my weight loss. I don't get the reaction so much anymore and when I do, I feel a little weird since I just gained 10 pounds pigging out on candy bars! Several years ago he also began battling the bulge and lost a bunch of weight, and you can tell he struggles to keep it off because sometimes he has gained some back and no matter how much he works out or eats lettuce, he's just the pudgy body type. Anyway, he was a sympathetic soul is what I'm getting at.

And I've remembered - as I feel my side rolls pudging out into my arms a little more - what it felt like to feel my body reducing on a daily basis. Definitely strange and wonderful. It was due to determination. I can do that again.

July 2, 206

2010-07-02T14:31:00.002-04:00

Oh, don't we all love getting sick and losing weight! I got sick and am down 2 or 3 pounds to 206. I've done a lot of sleeping and sweating. I went straight off the diet and started downing fruit juices and V8s (calories and sugars notwithstanding) and all the fruit (canned and fresh) I could scarf up. Also a bunch of chocolate bars that were on sale and some KFC but I couldn't really taste the joy in any of that because my sense of taste is off, but I ate it anyway and now I understand why - not because of my illness but because I was about to get my period. You'd think I'd learn to anticipate things like that - lol. It didn't even occur to me. There was one time I tracked my period for a year or more. It had suddenly become regular when it had never been at all regular before, so I was fascinated. Eventually I stopped keeping track, and started thinking I wasn't quite so regular anymore. Anyway, I added an iPod app for tracking your menstrual cycle and was actually startled to see that (after only one entry last month) it had guessed that I would start my period yesterday, just exactly when I did! Now you regular women out there are saying "big effing deal" but I have never considered myself to be normal, especially in terms of my sexuality. I just am always surprised that I work just exactly the way women are supposed to.

Anyway - I finally got started transcribing some menus into a menu planner for myself so I can break from ediets - it may take me a couple months and I'm not starting this week after all. I am still too sick to exercise sadly but I will make a trip to the grocery store.

June 27, 210

2010-06-27T11:32:00.002-04:00

Today I can't seem to make the scale show less than 210. I will have to weigh-in at 210. I am hovering. At least I'm not 217. My adherence to the diet is not strict this week. Most noticeably to my memory, there was Thursday when I worked from 9a.m. to 1 a.m. setting up for a concert - in 98-degree weather, sweating all day and laying out and pulling tons of heavy cable - and the day was catered - and I ate healthy but also had Gatorade and Klondike bars. Also Friday I was hungry at snack time and had too much bean dip and tortilla chips, then also a popsicle. And yesterday, while I had a good breakfast and lunch, in the evening I was with my Dad on an out-of-town trip and we had a sandwich from a restaurant for dinner and also a drink. Perhaps those three days in a row (despite the exercise) account for my failure to reduce this week, or at least for today (there's always the sodium-induced water-weight factor).

It is possible that for the coming month I will have more control over my time which I think will help. We'll see.

Actually - thinking about it - it's now almost July 2010. I first hit 220 last November. Ok, I did gradually get down to 201 before climbing back up to 210. But definitely the weight loss has not been what it was last summer. I wonder if I have it in me to do another "sprint." Or if I'd rather just take the turtle's route.

Jun 22, 209.5

2010-06-23T00:17:00.002-04:00

I am preparing to quit ediets. Eradicating that $18/month charge for the ediets plan, although adding $20/month for the new internet my roommate decided to get even though we were doing just fine mooching off the neighbors' wi-fi - until their wifi went out for a few days in a row.

Anyway - I decided that I could make breakfast and lunch and snack easy enough, and then pull out a recipe for dinner that could last me 4 days or so in a row with leftovers. I still have to keep up with the meal planning, I guess, and calorie counting now becomes more important than ever. Right now I'm at 1800-1900 calories per day with the understanding that I should be exercising 5 days per week. Out of a book today I gathered that my maintenance calories should clock in at around 2600 (!!!) and that my goal weight might be around 170-175 if I stay on the high end for me to account for my muscularity.

So I used my gift card from Christmas to buy some cookbooks and now it's just a matter of making the commitment. It shouldn't be too huge a deal to quit since I can always rejoin if things get desperate.

It should be interesting to see if I can keep this up on my own :-) I really only use ediets for the meal planning and grocery list, and honestly it is a somewhat arduous process anyway and it might actually be easier for me to do it myself as long as I commit to doing it and don't get slack.

More good news is that my roommate is also dieting now. We're not doing it together - but it's just nice to know that she's on a parallel path and dealing with some of the same issues. She doesn't have a credit card so she is very focused on staying within a grocery budget and she's not following a prescribed meal plan or anything, just trying to make better choices and track her calories and stuff, so that will be a good influence on me as I make this transition.

More on the good news front - 1800-1900 calories isn't a strain anymore, and I'm not tempted to eat sweets. I *think* about Subway cookies, but then remember I am on a mission. This morning waiting for my egg substitute to solidify, I looked at the box of corn flakes and thought about eating a bowl of cereal in addition to my breakfast, but then I realized that I was just hungry and that eggs and cheese and 2 pieces of toast would stuff me let alone additional butter and fruit! And sure enough - after breakfast I was stuffed and thought about my silly cereal idea.

Now tomorrow I have to pack up food to take with me on my day. And then Thursday -well Thursday I face a real challenge because I'll be working in 95-degree heat for many many hours on end, starting at 8 a.m. and ending at midnight and there will be excellent catering. I'm not going to bother packing food to take in - I will take advantage of the catering. I did this last week (or the week before?) and the catering is healthy but my control was not great. Maybe now things will be a bit different since, as I said in the previous paragraph, my appetite and cravings may have changed. Then again, that could be merely due to some kind of digestive issues I was having today.

June 20 weigh-in - 208

2010-06-20T09:30:00.002-04:00

Ok, I dropped from 217 to 208 in like 4 days. That's crazy to me even for water weight. But welcome. I'm on 1800-1900 calories per day and I've been hungry! But I've been able to tolerate it. Now, I did cheat by having a slice of raspberry cheesecake when it was there one day, and last night went drinking. But I've been attentive and adherent to my eating plan otherwise. Exercise - well, one day I tried a new yoga vid but it turned out to be a set for relaxing for bed. For weight loss it was probably not so useful, but for total health it was okay - I think my body needs a little rolling. And I did one Jillian session. Today I'm not exercising because of last night's drinking. And I'm devoting my day to Dad so what he wants to do goes - but maybe I can encourage some activity.

My goal is still 192 so that's 16 pounds to lose. At 2 pounds a week maybe I can hope to get there by August 15! I'm still mostly just looking forward to weighing less than 200 pounds - I got so close ::wistful::

Okay, I can't think of anything else to say - I guess that's mostly it. Just trying to secure myself onto the wagon.

June 17, 213

2010-06-17T08:03:00.004-04:00

I fell off the wagon again. Work got in the way again. I know that there's no reason I shouldn't be able to maintain decent calorie intakes when I'm working, if I want to. Though it is harder in the middle of the night. But it seems I need to maintain vigilence in my attitude, because I do not naturally restrain from overeating. Sucks.

Anyway - work slowed enough for me to get on top of things again with a week of planned meals and a trip to the grocery store and getting the dishes washed so I have tupperware to pack it all in. Yesterday was Day 1. Today I already lost 4 pounds of that excess water. I have a new goal to get to 192 in 10 weeks. That might be ambitious at this weight but I think it can be done, and it's just a goal to keep me motivated, not an unbreakable law. My calorie level is upped to 1800-1900 calories per day because I am determined to incorporate more exercise. My exercises of choice are yoga, hiking, walking/running, Jillian's 30-Day Shred, the elliptical, and the recumbent bike. I did 4 days of the 30-Day Shred back in May and was actually already seeing results - but then that all stopped. This morning I want to do yoga. Before breakfast. Which I am hungry for.

I've had a lot of "fresh starts" lately so I hope that I can really commit over the summer and make some headway before the fall season brings more business.

I still have other goals and desires, too, now, that compete with the diet and exercise.

May 22, 205

2010-05-22T09:42:00.002-04:00

I have been a good girl since my last post, but I am disappointed not to have seen a reduction on the scale yet. I am still 205. I would be happy with 204! Oh, well. Don't worry, I'm not even close to thinking about "throwing my hands up and giving up" or nothing - it's only been a few days. And I've been barely moving all week. But yesterday I got up and pounded out 50 minutes of walking on a disc golf course, so I guess I hoped a little bit that that would show me something less than 205 today.

On the positive front, I have looked at my schedule for the coming months and work looks light. Considering I want money this is not good. But considering I want plenty of time and and even keel to focus on my weight loss, this is good. One difference, though, between this summer and last summer is that this summer there are possibly more friends to make social demands on my time. That was a burden I didn't have last summer.

God, hopefully by the end of the summer I'll get under 200 pounds. I mean, I'm tired of hoping to get under 200 pounds. Sick of it!! Lol - I know, then I should have stuck to the diet, then. hahaha :-/

May 20, 205

2010-05-20T11:15:00.004-04:00

Hi. It's been a while. I'm not even going to check and see how long it's been since I've even signed in to blogger. I hope everyone is having excellent success with their missions. I made it through my intense work period and am gradually (very gradually) getting back into the swing of things. I started back on the meal plan a couple days ago (this is day 3) and am doing well. I have veered from the plan but stayed in control. Feelings of withdrawal and restriction gave way to a familiar sense of moderation and satisfaction with less. Instead of going into the kitchen and grabbing up a full bowl of cereal and wildly piecing together a fast breakfast, I'm enjoying measured and sensible oatmeal and turkey bacon. When I'm caught with "my pants down" so to speak, I make considered and sensible substitutions to the meal plan. Keep meaning to return to exercise but haven't yet - too much time with my laptop is mostly responsible for that, just not clicking the little X in the top right corner. I haven't been weighing myself much over the past few weeks but I have seen weights as high as 209. After one day on the diet, water weight must have come off and now I am 205. That's really impressive, actually, not much of an increase at all, when you consider how I've been living. Now it seems I am back on plan, so that's also encouraging, that I can bring myself back when I've gone over the edge. I actually began to get worried about that. I physiologically changed inside. I forgot what eating well looked and felt like. My eating whims changed. I ate at restaurants. That could be nice sometimes, but not exclusively. I was back to the way I was before I started this plan. I can't explain it.

I went shopping last night on a whim. I was so excited about my size 16 gorgeous mini dress (I think I took a picture - I'll try to post it) that I wore to the Opera the other day, and the other dresses I tried on that had looked so good. Well last night, the clothes were crappy and they looked bad on me and I didn't feel at all good about my appearance. I really want to get into an exercise routine now, too, to improve as well as I can my flabby sack of skin!

Okay, so, what was that number again? Oh yeah, 198. Whew, still looking down at 198. Haha!

Uh - What happened?

2010-05-09T20:56:00.002-04:00

Four weeks was going to be so easy - ha!! I thoroughly underestimated the combined power of the Extremely Intense Work Week and the Big Menses. Everything went to hell. It was as if I've never been dieting at all. It's been really hard and really intense - I really took on too much and I'm still trying to catch my body and peace of mind up. The suffering is almost over and I can start my 4-week strict adherence again soon. I think that by now, sticking to the diet might actually feel restrictive again. I'd better to learn to love it soon. I have a little time tonight to relax and I want to read and watch a Buffy episode (I'm trying to watch the series while it's free on hulu - I know so many people who love it and I never watched it.)

When I have anything to report, I'll let you know. I still want to get down to 198, but I'm definitely further from it now than I was. I also need to regain control of my appetite - it feels like I need to relearn what I knew so recently. Here's hoping I'm not overconfident about my ability to hop back on the wagon!!

Oh, by the way - my hair that fell out last year has started growing back in - it's so shaggy around my scalp I look horrible. Oh, well!

Day 2 was a bust, but it was beyond my control

2010-05-03T22:51:00.002-04:00

Well, day 2 was beyond my control. I left the house at 11pm last night hoping to get home in a few hours. Instead, I wasn't able to go home at all before having to be at work all day starting at 8am this morning. I wasn't able to get home and get to my food, or even shower or sleep. I spent the whole day hiding my grody self under this shawl I had in my car. Anyway, if it hadn't been for that, I'm confident I could have stuck to it again today like I did yesterday. I probably ate too much today, but tomorrow I'm back on to finish out the 4 weeks! Ok.

May 2, 207

2010-05-02T20:53:00.002-04:00

You know when I started losing weight, and when I started this blog, I not only weighed myself every day, but I recorded it every day. It was so much fun losing weight then. I lost weight on a steady stream from March to about October, and then things slowed down. Whether life was getting in the way or I was intentionally slowing down, or I was as I have been the past several weeks - still dieting, but then having allowances that would interfere with weight loss progress - a restaurant meal, a few too many chocolate minis, an all-out binge. It used to be that when my roommate would have parties, I would dutifully eat my planned food no matter how weird it seemed. Friday she hosted a baby shower and I ate the chicken-cheese dip that was prepared, and then had some cake. "Why not?" And a lot of "Why not?" and "What the hell?" gets said. And it's been okay. Even though it seems to be taking me forever to bounce down to my goal of being under 200 pounds, I've already lost a lot of weight and I'm a size 16 and things are "pretty good" and, as I previously blogged, I've been satisfied. I took a beach trip for a few days and though I packed two days worth of food, I still had several traditional beach joys - tiki bar, fried captain's platter, ice cream sundae... So I haven't been as goal-minded lately.

Saturday was weigh-in day, and grocery day. I was very concientious that I had to buy groceries that day because I had a heavy week of work ahead of me and didn't have time to deal with it after. I got my laundry done and my groceries shopped for in preparation for my intense week of long hours and stress.

And at some point during the day I decided I wanted to engage in a couple of "special treats" - crepes at the Original Pancake House and also try this Ethiopian/Eritrean restaurant that I'd long been wanting to try out. And then on Sunday - today - I would begin 4 solid weeks of austere adherence to the meal plan. 4 solid weeks of "No Exceptions." No chocolate (except the sugar-free chocolate pudding or whatever might be on the meal plan), no goodies. Just the same as I was in the beginning - all my food is provided for on the meal plan, so there should be no need to cheat - if I feel an urge I can say "You don't need/want that - you're already taken care of."

It is, of course, my intention to stick to this 4-week pledge. It is also my hope that, at 1400-1500 calories per day, at the end of 4 weeks of strict adherence, I will push under 200 and reach that ever-loving goal of 198. I started today and so far, so good. I mean - obviously I started last night when I stayed up so late cooking and preparing and packing meals for the next day or few. But today I'm adhering to the eating part, and I had a pretty good test moment to help me define my devotion to this (and devotion is a very relevant word in this matter) - At work, there were Krispy Kreme doughnuts provided for the crew at break time. I LOVE KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS! And last week I would have said "Why not?" or "What power have I against this tide?" and had a couple like everyone else on the crew did. But I ignored the doughnuts and had nary a one. Pretty good for a first day. I still have to go do an untold number of hours of work so I ate most of my dinner, but left the bin of cantaloupe to eat later if I begin to feel noshy or weak.

Now, on to another topic.

To me it seems like I lost lots of weight last year and this year only a little, so slow, and not so much recently. So it's a bit perplexing to me that suddenly NOW I'm being barraged with comments and have to deal with them. "You're looking good," from people who know I've lost weight. "Skinny," from Brenda who hasn't seen me much in months. "Allright, what's your secret?" from Jerry. And then there's a lot of these which confuse me, too -> "Do you look different? Have you lost some weight?" I mean, I remember in November and December that one security guard was marveling that I was wasting away, and that made more sense to me to hear that then. But now, after having lost 80 pounds, to have some people saying "Do you look different? Have you lost a little weight?"

I've just had so many comments in the past 3 days or so that you might think I'd just dropped 40 pounds, instead of basically sitting at 205 give or take for weeks the way I have. To have a guy who's seen me pretty regularly for the past several months say to me the other day "Your diet's really working" NOW when I don't feel like I'm losing weight...

Well, it's interesting, but there's no way for me to comprehend it so I'm not going to try.

27 days and some change left to go!

April 22, 203

2010-04-22T16:07:00.002-04:00

So the other day I weighed in at 201 and later that day I went shopping. I had been needing some stuff - new swimsuit, new jeans, seasonal sandals... I had an extraordinary experience with the shopping. I pulled stuff off the racks in sizes XL and 16 which made me feel like I wasn't plus-sized anymore. Then I went in the dressing room and tried it on, and everything looked at least okay on me, which means, even if it didn't look good, my body underneath it was not so horrible as to make it something I couldn't wear. My body as canvas for fashion art has become more yielding, my flaws more acceptable. I bought sleeveless tops - outrageous! I bought a dress - so hot! I came home feeling like the sexiest mf in town. My arms are fat but not TOO fat. My bowlful of jelly pooch is still there but it's TOLERABLE. My legs are fat but LONG. I have something like an hourglass figure. I was so high that night, it was impossible to contain myself. It makes me think that I might be very close to being where I want to wind up! I am very okay with a few extra pounds, if I could just make my belly a LITTLE BIT SMALLER. But honestly, for right now, I think I'm very close to where I want to be. I'm still looking to get to 198, but after that, I might chill out for a while. If only to get psychologically adjusted to being this size and to even begin to think about being smaller. The next smallest size is 14 and that's just beyond imagining for me.

I am not so high anymore. Yesterday I felt poufy, excess pudge particularly from the belly. I am having problems with not planning ahead and so getting caught without a plan - I can't seem to focus on the diet anymore or care about it so much so consistently anymore. I'm also still dealing with the raminfications of last week's road trip and the revelations that remind me to be depressed. Today, after binging on Mary Janes, ice cream, and cookie dough yesterday, I'm 203, which is cool because it's less than yesterday's 204.

April 19, 201!!

2010-04-19T10:14:00.005-04:00

Weight Tracking. Last Saturday I weighed in at 203.5, then my weight bounced up last week and hung out around 205-207. Could have been related to my period, but then when my period seemed to be over, my weight stayed high. By this past Saturday's weigh-in, I was actually able to weigh-in at 204, which was a relief after last week but still a rise from the Saturday below, which had been a bit of a low bounce.

So yesterday I weighed 203, a new low, portending the possibility of good things. I went off-plan yesterday. For breakfast I chose bran flakes with nuts and raisins and 1% milk, no measurements, but a comparatively large bowl of cereal (compared with servings over the past year, not my normal idea of a bowl of cereal) and didn't have any protein with it as the meal plan would have had me do. Then I had a meal plan lunch - balsamic chicken with onions and rice and sauteed vegetables, but I also had half a Milky Way Dark. Then I had two puddings for snack, and then 1/2 a peanut butter and raisin sandwich to address my cravings (I was going to have a whole one but when I spooned out the peanut butter for just one piece of bread I decided to see if that would be enough to tide me and put the other piece of bread back in the bag. When done eating, I never even thought about that other half.) Altogether, 1/2 a Milky Way dark, 2 puddings, a bunch of Triscuits, and half a peanut butter and raisin sandwich seems to be too many calories for one snack. But then I didn't exactly have dinner, except for 3 Cadbury Creme Eggs.

So yesterday was sort of haphazard, eating-wise; not exactly a day to be proud of but not exactly bad either. Exercise was just the normal bending, lifting, and walking at work. My emotion and energy was very low, it was day 2 of a depression brought on by Friday's daytrip.

So today imagine my delight to stand on the scale and get readings all over the map from 201.5(!) to 200 (!!!!!!!!). I'm too scared - cautious - humble - to allow 200 yet. I will claim 201 knowing that's still a terrifying reduction from yesterday, from Saturday, and from last week.

I just signed in to report the news to fitday.com and was reminded that I am past due to hit my goal, again. I had originally budgeted to hit 198 by March 28, then when I missed that I changed my goal date to April 15. So - I'm still not there yet but I'm still progressing that way! Bouncy bouncy. In the chart below, you can see the rate of weight loss has slowed - my dark blue line used to run along with my weight at the beginning, but over time, I've pushed the dark blue line of my "weight goal" out further and further.