July 3, 301.4

 I went through it until I broke.  I BROKE off the diet.  The first night I just decided to get Indian food after rehearsal, and a glass of wine, which made me loopy.  Heading home I decided I wanted hot fudge cake and thought I saw that Denny's served one, so I went to the nearest Denny's.  They didn't have one so I got a salted caramel brownie cookie skillet thing.  It was good, but it wasn't a hot fudge cake.  Oh well.  I've been SO tired.  I go home and pass out, then wake up after midnight.  The next day after Indian food, I had breakfast and lunch properly but on the way home I was BROKEN from the pileup of weeks of the lighting design.  It shouldn't be so on paper, no, but there you have it.  I just decided I needed some fast food and the fast food that came up was McDonald's, and I got a Big Mac, large fries and I ordered a 20-piece of chicken nuggets which I tried to force down despite they forgot the sweet and sour sauce but I did eventually have to stop.  Since then I've just been eating Mom and Dad's leftovers which has included a hamburger and rice dish and Oreos with milk.  And I have felt intestinally shitty.  Either because of the McDonald's or the hamburder-rice meal or both, sitting in my intestines like a lump.  But I think I have an intestinal problem anyway.  I don't think I poop well, and I want to have that looked at.

So I don't think I deserve to weigh that 301.4 above and don't know why it's giving me that number.

Anyway, back to work today, for two days, and then I am not sure what I have coming up next, but I need to get back on track and get some exercise.  I've even returned to the Finch app, which I haven't used in a month.

June 27, 302.8

 This lighting design has me in up to my ears.  It is definitely difficult to keep up with the food plan when so busy, or keep to schedule when I'm up at all hours with little time for food prep.  I slept for 4 hours this evening and woke around 11:30.  Before falling asleep yesterday evening on the way home I yielded all the way to a big cheat and stopped at McAlister's and got a roast beef club sandwich and chips and two dessert bars which were wonderful but too much to force down, but I did anyway.  So I slept on a heavy stomach full of food and awoke feeling too full.  When this lighting design is over I'll keep losing weight.  A weekly cheat day was scheduled anyway, but I'm not sure how I'll manage tomorrow either, although it is probably better for me to pack tomorrow's meals than try to buy food in the neighborhood at lunch and dinner time.  I just can't wait to get back to the momentum I had before the family reunion.  Additional problems anticipated - trying to stick to healthy eating while on a long camping trip.  And the need to accommodate the garden's output even if it's not on my food schedule.  The garden's been putting out a ton of squash and zucchini, but not so much tomatoes and cucumbers, and recently came out with green beans.  Had to eat the green beans, which were great and weren't ever going to make me fat, and I have even found meals that specifically ask for zucchini.  But buying all the tomatoes at the store is pricey, and the fruit too.  It would be great if the garden helped us to cover that.

In my household, my mother and father cook for dad to gain weight, so managing my own food hasn't been a problem except that the fridge stays pretty full after I have been to the grocery store.

June 23, 299.7

 I haven't blogged this week because I have been re-losing weight already ostensibly lost after last week's family reunion.  I have been "working at home" but full of so much procrastination anxiety.  Today I'm determined to finish (but I was yesterday and the day before that too).  Anyway I have been weighing myself and raising my eyes about the scale and the challenge of getting a legitimate or a reportable or a dependable number to claim as my weight of the day.  I have no unnecessary sense of compunction to get it absolutely right all the time.  I am sure if I am losing weight the scale will eventually show a definitive weight loss.  Today I had a range that is significantly less than the range I was working with at the beginning of this diet.

And the number I report is 299.7.  The first time I stood on the scale I weighed more than I did yesterday which was very demoralizing but then I remembered I get to try again!  I stand on the scale which is cramped up near the wall and towel rod and next to the kitty litter box, and I hold my belly back so I can look down and read the number.  If my weight is forward on my feet, I weigh more.  If I'm leaning back a little bit, I weigh less.  And I generally wobble back and forth until my scale either picks something or gives up.

299.7!  Nice to feel ok choosing a number under 300 again.  I'm back under 300, possibly!  I don't remember the actual number I chose so you get a 299.7.

I am still dieting.  Since I'm definitely finishing my work tonight (definitely, definitely) I should have time this weekend to relax and go back to the grocery store for next week, maybe even prepare some meals in advance.  This week, rather than work getting in the way of the diet, the diet has got in the way of work, as every time I hope I might be able to get some focus built up, I have to go make a meal.  Which I then eat, often in front of the TV for an hour.  

But I have to finish tonight, so maybe I'd better sign off.

June 20, 304.4?

 I either weighed less, the same, or more than yesterday.  I'm having intestinal issues, I think.  Last night very strong pain in my right abdomen.  It reduced by this morning but it's still there, and has been I think, if you press hard enough.  Another reason to want to reduce abdominal fat - easier to treat this.  And been wanting a colonoscopy, to see if I have any twists, hernias, or blockages.  I'm hoping after a couple of days back on the diet I'll get more regular and clear out.

I'm so mentally overwhelmed about my design, it's hard to focus on getting groceries for tomorrow.  But I think I should, I am running out.  I might have them delivered again, but I'm not sure if that really saves me much effort or time.

June 19, 304.4

 After a family reunion weekend, something like 3 days off the diet, today I claim 304.4 as my weight though it would have been worse and it could have been better.  My challenge then is to not just get back on it but stick back to it as I get through this next week where I continue to carry the stress of having to get this lighting design done.  If I can just FINISH going through the script and get the plot drafted I'll feel so much better.  I'm going to try to finish the script and get a rough draft of the plot planned out TODAY.  Then it's just meeting with the director to iron out the cues, and finalizing the plot and paperwork.  Anyway, none of that is interesting to you, except to know, it's a major distraction.  And to worry about getting it done before any more production meetings - trying to mentally hold off any business emails today.  Tomorrow or the next day I will have to meal plan and go grocery shopping again.

June 15 297.1!

297.1!  Yeah that really happened!  I ate almost all my food yesterday.  Woke up extremely early due to anxiety.  Weighed myself multiple times this morning.  Not only am I below 300 pounds, I am way below 300 pounds.  My scale is all I have to go by and if the exact numbers aren't correct there's no denying that there has been real weight loss, in the vicinity of 27 pounds lost in 6 weeks.  If the weight loss has seemed too fast lately, this is my last day on the plan before I go to a weekend family reunion at the beach.  I don't expect to run off the rails but we'll see how I do on my own for 3 days.  I haven't eaten candies and sweets - well, a couple cheats, that chocolate covered rice krispie bar last week, a week before that 2 cookies at Subway... but you get the idea - once every week or two instead of 1or 2 a day.  My tolerance for the sugar is at a low now, but experience tells me I can build it back up over a short period of time.  I do still crave them, when I think of it.  Maybe it will be good for me to take 3 days off the diet.

I am not motivated very well by others' pride and support, more embarrassed and annoyed.  But I just want to cry out and luxuriate in the celebration of being under 300 pounds!  I hate being weighed down by the requirement of work.

I was just shown pictures from Google photos of my 2022 retrospective which included many selfies checking out my glasses and looking pretty ugly with all my chin and cheek fat.  I look forward to looking better some day?

Well I can't think of anything else to say, at much as I want to keep partying and keep losing even more weight.  What would my next goal be?  Surely 50 pounds down is a long way away.  That would be 273.  That's my next meaningful goal I guess and would probably take at least six weeks if it comes off almost as fast as it did this first six weeks.  But plateaus are a thing.  273.

I don't guess I have to worry as much about weighing less for my doctor because she's left and so she's not my doctor anymore.  I need a new doctor.

June 14, 301.2

 Today the scale started off reading 304.6 (BOO!) and then gave a few readings of 299.6 (YAY!) and I nearly stopped and claimed 299.6 because why not and besides I really would like to get under 300 pounds before this trip this weekend.  But I gave it a few more goes and eventually compromised with the reading of 301.2, which is a slight bounce up from yesterday's reduction.  I ate a lot of food yesterday.  Not as much as the diet required, but with some variances from the diet.  I made the mistake of buying groceries for 6 days, including produce and meats, despite that we are going to the beach this weekend.  So I'm trying to make a dip in the foods most in danger of going bad.