August 8, 240

Saturday weigh-in - 240 - for a 3rd straight week, still not down to the 230s.

Ways I have become lax -
- this isn't a change, really, but I allow myself more fruit than prescribed - may have to be stricter
- the glycemic plan I'm on directs one to eat on a certain schedule spread out through the day - to maintain blood glucose levels to prevent low-sugar splurges. I've tended to crunch those meals together - holding off on breakfast until later is what tends to lead to it. I don't imagine that the timing is really that important as long as you don't ingest more calories by the end of the day. Still, maybe I should observe the schedule more closely to feel more subjected to and obedient to the meal plan. I dunno.
- Maybe skipping meals and not skipping meals is contributing. I still don't want to intentionally skip meals, though, if the meal plan says I should eat.


A fellow 'beesey (obese person) expressed to me that I looked "amazing" (she's new in my life and never saw me before when I weighed less) and that she was jealous. Though I initially felt like hiding from the compliment (I just don't like to directly face judgement, even positive, in such tender spots) I immediately recognized that she had given a very admirable compliment in a very kind way - even the part about being "jealous" was delivered more as a friendly cheery statement to me than a sign of bitterness. Mostly to be considerate and reciprocal, I attempted to neutralize my initial quiet ducking response and be gracious in return.

On the other hand, my mother's been sending out all these pictures from last weekend's family reunion, and in almost all of them, I clearly do not look like I'd like to look. I look at the pictures and think - "That is supposed to be a great difference, willowy, not a blob?" I look horrible.

I remember it was only about 5 years ago that I got my first camera phone, which pre-dated even my first digital camera. I remember I took a lot of pictures of myself with it, from many angles. I realize now that this was the beginning of a new era. More photographs available, posted online on social networking sites. Pictures didin't cost anything, so photographers could take photos more haphazardly without regard for whether they'd turn out okay. Suddenly you're shown in photographic form, unposed, repeatedly. Then there's the self-taken pictures, and who didn't learn to take the ol' Myspace photo with the high camera angle to hide chin fat and make your eyes look bigger and younger... I took thousands of pictures of myself and only about 5% were tolerable.

Even when the mirror looks okay, like it generally does these days, photographs are horrid. Now I have to aim not only to look better in real life, but also in photos, or more to the point - 'pics'.

Okay - SURELY this week I'll get down into the 230s. I am thinking about being able to take a cheat day some day soon, and planning for what I want to do for myself on the cheat day, but after 3 weeks on a plateau, I feel like I want to try to hit a safe 238 first. We'll see how things look after a couple days. I'm considering an impromptu road trip to Savannah, an Indian buffet, chocolate chip cookies and Russel Stover and Cadbury fruit and nut. I also haven't had Chinese takeout since I started this thing in March. Not that Chinese takeout is one of my great urges - but I haven't had ANY!

I also haven't been to Wendy's or Cookout. I have had McDonald's and Subway, but not Wendy's. I had grown tired of Wendy's, but it was still a fairly regular thing.

July 18, 245

There's great news and bad news. The great news is that I did weigh 245 when I woke this morning. This means I've lost 40 pounds, 40 stinkin' pounds!, and achieved my mini-goal and it's time for new comparison pictures. Also, I'm back on track to reach goal of 220 by October 17!

The bad news is, I didn't eat Snack 2 or Dinner last night (opting to go online and zone out until I was too tired instead) and then overslept this morning and didn't have time to even grab a breakfast. So, I guess I'm not on a meal plan today. But I'm also not really prepared to make it a cheat day. First of all, I don't want to gain over 245 again, so I'd like to get a couple pounds below 245 before I risk gaining. Secondly, I haven't made specific plans for what I wanted to do on my cheat day, and I don't want to waste it on mindless scattered bingeing. In fact, I think I want to eat at a restaurant or two, and that would be a good opportunity for a social engagement.

I did have some moments of thinking "Oh, well, I'm off-plan today anyway, why not go ahead and get a foot-long with everything on it and two cookies like I used to?" And it's true there's been a lot of not eating going on today and yesterday and I am hungry.

I am thinking right now I will go get a 6" from Subway and I am wrestling with myself over getting 1 chocolate chip cookie, or oatmeal raisin, or peanut butter. Ooouuugughhhhhmmmm. See how I do? But even though I'm really hungry and like cookies, I'm not in the mood to pig out. In fact, I'm sort of too hungry to think about eating too much. I think 1 cookie would be fine, and then, maybe I can find something to do for a little snack, maybe a yogurt from Subway, to last me until dinner tonight, in about 6 or 7 hours.

Maybe later tonight I'll be able to go home and make a dinner from the meal plan.

July 11, 249.5

Okay, I did it. Weekly weigh-in and I'm back down to 249.5 like last week. I gained 5 pounds and lost it before ediets had a chance to notice. Plateau OVER am I right? I hope. Work is overwhelming now. I hoped to be done with a project by 3:30 a.m. last night (no sweat, plenty of time, if I just stick to it!) and it took me until 8:00 a.m. and I wasn't finished when I left. This doesn't bode well for the rest of the job to come. A few things don't bode well about it - I think I might run out of time - I can't seem to get anything done on time!!

Ok, my anticipated goal date for 220 has been pushed back to October 24, which is where it was originally, but I was excited about pushing it into early October.

This week's exercise:

Saturday - none
Sunday - none
Monday - weights
Tuesday - none
Wednesday - yoga
Thursday - 30 minutes exercise bike
Friday - none (unless you count climbing ladders for 8 hours)

30 minutes on the exercise bike claims to yield 300+ calories burned. The small room is cool when I walk in, but too warm after 10 minutes into it, so I'm sure I'm creating heat. It's convenient because there's one in the condo clubhouse and I have access to it at any hour, plus I can get some reading done. Yet, last time I was on the exercise bike, I felt guilt. I thought "I can do more." I feel like I should step up, do the elliptical more often. Which may not happen this week because I may not have time for the gym, and I'd be surprised if I get any exercise in.

So today, for the diet, I have to plan this week's meal plan, buy the groceries, and possibly even prepare it all for the whole week today, with all the repetitiveness and convenience I can handle.

July 4, 249.5

I'm a little disgruntled about this week's 1-pound loss.

For one thing, I hit 248.5 one day early this week and got excited about getting *significantly* below 250 (below enough that a little gain wouldn't get me above 250) and also to get closer to being able to say I'd lost 40 pounds. I decided to work all week to lose even more weight before weigh-in. Normally I don't do this so much, normally I just take what comes to me, and lose 2-3 pounds. This time, I'd get on an exercise machine specifically to boost my weight loss down another half or full pound here and there. And of course, I stuck to my meal plan (although I occasionally found myself making substitutions, and am still not actually measuring my amounts for the most part). After only one day at 248.5, it bounced back to 249.5, which I accepted easily at first, but all week I kept hoping to bump back down and all week I stayed at 249.5 and did not budge. Frustrating.

Now I plan to have a "cheat day" but I don't have a lot of playroom on the scale.

My belly seems larger and heavier than ever, and I just took my measurements and it does seem like I gained everywhere except my chest. According to today's measurements, my chest is now smaller around than my waist, which is NOT what I'm going for, and my hips are reducing faster than my waist too. Once an apple always an apple I guess.

It seems possible i'm retaining water. I feel and look kinda puffy. I don't know enough to guess why I'd be retaining water - pre-menstrual?

And maybe today's cheat day will shock my metabolism?

Well - 1 pound lost since last week, and still on track for October 17th goal, but not getting safely ahead of schedule like I'd hoped. Frustration has brought me a little crisis of faith, but I am still sticking to the plan, so I obviously haven't given up all hope.

This week's exercise:
Saturday - weights
Sunday - none
Monday - 20 minutes yoga
Tuesday - none
Wednesday - 20 minutes yoga + 30 minutes elliptical
Thursday - 30 minutes exercise bike
Friday - none

June 27, 250.5

I'm nervous about weigh-in. Yesterday I waited until so long to eat lunch (around 9 or 10:00) and then we had a party and I ate second snack and dinner all last night within a few hours of each other. Seems like a wrong choice to eat 3 meals late into the night before you weigh-in.

Okay, I just did it and didn't need to worry. Whew! Am I putting too much emphasis on the numbers on the scale? Tough! Lol. I know where my motivation comes from each day.

The first time I stood on the scale it was 250 - even. That would have been awesome because I could brag I'd lost 35 pounds. (35 pounds? Only 35 pounds? - it doesn't even sound like much now. Hope it feels like an accomplishment when I've lost 50.) As it stands, I've still only lost 34.5 pounds.

Still, it's 2 pounds down from last week and I'm still on course.

Today I have to check-in at ediets, create a new meal plan for next week, and go grocery shopping. And I need to go lift weights, sooner rather than later. Last night at the gym proved my upper belly is still protruding out against my t-shirt - ugh!

Next week I go into the 240s. This pleases me greatly.

SW: 285
LW: 252.5
CW: 250.5
GW: 220

Last Week's Exercise

saturday - lift weights
sunday - none
monday - 20 minutes yoga
tuesday - none
wednesday - a moderate-easy hike, about 40 minutes
thursday - none
friday - 30 minutes elliptical trainer

june 19, 252.5

Really? 252.5?! That's a 1.5 pound loss from yesterday. I've been feeling a bit stuck around 255 since I first hit 255 on June 11. 255 was a goal for me, so a few days after that I did a cheat day, and my weight came back up. I was getting really tired of having only lost 30 pounds!

Why did I lose it? Well, I'm not sure, but I do know that I was dealing with hunger sensations and cravings yesterday. I went over to my parents' to do some work and they have cookies, and I felt a stirring in my belly for those cookies. I didn't cheat at all yesterday, though, except forgetting to eat crackers with my snack - small failing. Then last night I did go get on the exercise bike for 30 minutes.

Still, a 2 pound drop in 2 days is more than I expected, but here's hoping it stays off! My next short-term goal is 245. Although I think I'm going camping next week so I may have to go off the plan. It worries me to think I won't be able to control myself if I'm not on a plan, and I don't want to be on a plan my whole life. But let me just get down to a weight I can feel okay about before I worry about life without a plan, where I have a little leeway to gain a few pounds if things go awry. That will be a different project - learning to live without a plan. Right now, it's all about losing weight.

It's funny, too, how you can feel it on the nights before the scale goes down. Last night, I thought I could feel differences - in the neck, in the belly, in the waist... What's funny is that you can feel it tactally by touching your body even though you can't feel it within yourself or see it in the mirror. I just wouldn't think I'd be able to feel a 1.5-pound weight loss with my hands on my neck or my elbows against my side, it should be a miniscule difference.

Lying in bed at night, or sitting in a chair, I have sometimes tried to think of myself as being as fat as I look in pictures, tried to feel the spread of my body, and tried to imagine how it would feel different if I didn't take up so much space, but it's hard. In my own body, I don't feel fat. Fat doesn't feel different. I feel normal-sized.

Anyway, excited to see the scale going down again. 245 here I come!