248

This week, I thought I was going to be unemployed and be able to focus on my diet and getting regulated. Instead, I got a job all week and it was wonderful but I lost focus and regulation on my diet and plans for exercise went out the window. I earned money, got some reading done, and got to see some of my favorite people this week, so all is not lost. But I got on the scale this morning and weighed 250 (a couple hours later it was 248).

A long time ago I started allowing myself to break from the stringent restrictions just a little bit, and since losing 80 pounds was so easy, I figured it would be easy enough to get back on plan when I reached a certain weight I didn't want to get back above. I remember that weight being 215, 218, 225..., and months and months later I'm almost 250 and craving sweets multiple times per day.

It makes for an uninspiring blog. So I won't be publishing any more until I see some success, if I ever see success again, and I do intend to, but I don't see the point in publishing endless dodohead posts. I didn't get into the weight loss blogging for support, but to inspire others as I had been inspired.

Speaking of inspiration - some friends of mine have been losing weight. While my pants get tighter and tighter and I have fewer and fewer tops that fit, as I continue to stifle myself in the romance department because I am beating myself up inside about how I don't measure up to the minimum standard, facebook status updates are rife with people who lost that 20 pounds. (Of course, no one posts when they gain it back...)

When I start losing again, I will come back and tell you how I did it. Until then, happy losing, keep up the good fight!

(PS As for the Synthroid, it's hard to tell if it's having much effect - or the right effects - the effects I'd hoped for or other effects... I feel a little less mentally confused but then again I've had some time off and I'm not challenging my brain too much anyway. My metabolism still ain't much to write home about either.)

240

Hey. So, thanks to strep throat, my scale readings went down from 245. I started antibiotics last night and Synthroid this morning, so hopefully I will be well enough and energetic enough soon to really make a go of it back at the gym soon! I am really curious as to how this synthroid will affect me - metabolism, weight, energy, mental acuity, memory, clarity, effectiveness, focus... Maybe I'm just hoping for a magic pill to make everything better. Not that I asked for Synthroid - it was foisted upon me against my wishes. And I'm still uncertain about taking it (although my 'doc' seemed very adamant that I should take it asap, sooner rather than later, when I saw her yesterday and told her that I had held off on taking the first pill because of the strep.) But reading about the possible results of taking the drug does have me wondering if it will effectively be the answer to all my problems.

So, looking for cargo shorts to wear to work is difficult. I went to Old Navy but no luck. I finally found a merchandiser called Grainger that sells black cargo shorts for plus-sized women. Even then, choosing a size is something I'm apathetic about. Do I err on the side of too big in case I gain weight and need them to be bigger? Or do I err on the side of too small in case I lose weight? What size am I? What size am I going to be? It was a $50 pair of shorts for work. Hopefully fairly baggy shorts for work- imagine the challenge of choosing a size for a corset and lingerie and leather. We're doing a production of Rocky Horror soon and I'm kind of excited about having an excuse to dress in a bustier or some kind of outfit involving a bust and garters - in public. There are a ton of options online and it's hard enough to know what to choose, let alone what size to pick. Of course most of these garments are expensive. I would enjoy dressing to fit the part of Rocky audience member (not so much cast member) but my natural style is more Victorian, Edwardian, flower girl soft. I like a lot of the pin-striped stuff which I think would work for Rocky Horror, but I don't think pinstripes will do well with my bulges and crevices. Plain black leather is probably what would be best. It would be best to find something versatile - something that works for Rocky Horror and for me and can be worn underneath or as outerwear. Then use accessories to change the vibe as needed. And I'm thinking, instead of fishnets, just solid sheer thigh-highs (if I can get any to come up high enough on my long thick legs!) I actually liked the white - although striped ones would be pretty funky too. Honestly, I've been wanting to update my lingerie options for a long time, but not knowing what size to buy, and feeling like I can't afford it, has held me back for a long time. Now I have a real external reason to do it, even though I can't afford it now even more than ever, maybe I can worry about that later...

I do actually have a corset already - one that I historically did and didn't like - it's pretty commonly espied in a google search for plus-size corsets, even still. It's red jacquard with a sheer black lace panel in front (partially exposing my belly, something I was sorta apathetic about) but it really makes me look pretty hot (at my current size, the ties in back actually close up a lot more than they did when I first got it) and even makes me wonder why I worry about losing weight. But it doesn't seem right for Rocky Horror...

So how's that been for a weight loss blog entry? My doorbell's ringing - never a good sign.

245 ugh

My show has previewed. I'm all but done with it. I woke up yesterday morning, my first day off, with a scratchy tingly sensation in my throat which I hoped would dissolve away if I got up and moved around, but instead the longer I was out and about, the more my discomfort grew. The first day off-duty and I got sick. I didn't feel like I was pounding myself into the ground on this one, most of the time. Sleeping in, seemingly beyond my control to push myself up and out the door, I worked late nights. I did not take time to pack meals. I didn't know when I'd be awake or asleep and was confused about when that would mean I'd eat breakfast or dinner. But mostly, I used comfort food. There were many days in a row there that I ate a LOT, careening willingly into one of those Meredith Baxter Birney binges, using food to escape stress, eating junk food and fast food because that's what was available... I felt some relief at seeing that, as the stress of the deadline passed, my appetite restored to something far more moderate and normal.

Now the show is all but open, it's in previews, and I haven't yet started taking on new work. I need to focus on myself for a hot minute before I go to the next thing. Yesterday I managed to get some cleaning and administrative stuff done. Then I went out to shop for some pants to work in this summer - I really want some pants, capris, or shorts with big extra pockets. Everywhere I went I saw people wearing shorts and pants like this, yet I couldn't find any for me. So I think I'm going to actually order online - which I hate, I've never yet kept a garment that I've ordered from the internet, it's just been a pain to have to return, and get a refund but pay for postage.

So anyway, this morning I weigh 245, which is the maximum I've seen over the past week. 245! 245!! That really makes me feel awful, really. I thought I might weigh less after not eating so much the past day and over the past days and after peeing so much since last night. I would love to exercise, but the swelling in my throat tells me it's probably not a good idea to exert myself right now. >:-P Nevertheless, I will create another week's meal plan and make some plans.