Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dec 29, 236 pounds

Been a while.

I have gained. More than I wanted to allow myself to gain.

Some people may be offended that I don't chastise myself more harshly, but I'm just not like that. Still, I did want to lose weight, and I don't want to be one of the 97% who gains it all back. :-D

I guess the answer to how I gained so much so fast is this - I have been sluggish, unmoving, probably more depressed than usual, sick, the holidays happened and I've been indulging in the edible treats. Christmas dinner and all manner of sweets and everything.

I recently posted my New Year's Resolutions to facebook and one of them was certainly to get down to 180 using moderation (restrictive meal plan if necessary but I do still resist that for the time being) and exercise, which I'm glad to say I've done now a few days in a row. Elliptical and weight training day before yesterday, yoga (only the first 17 minutes) yesterday, and today the 30-day Shred. Things went well on the elliptical trainer, but I did not feel any results from the weights the next day and might need a personal trainer or a program. I also tried to run just for 2 minutes, but on the very first step there was heel pain. Yoga was fairly pathetic - not bad but I didn't have a lot of time and wasn't feeling the stamina and only did the first bit - the warm-up sun salutation basically.

The 30-day shred - PATHETIC! Ok, first of all, I did this once last week and it was the same day I was starting my period and I couldn't even get through but that was mostly because of my period but here is more. It just wasn't that long ago that the 30-Day Shred wasn't that hard, that I was doing 13 pushups on my initial effort, and the cardio wasn't a significant problem. Last week I only did 6 pushups my first go. Today it was up to 7. The other thing is, I can feel my flab bouncing around, jerking down every time I land on a jumping jack, and I can barely allow myself to do the jumping jacks with arms because I'm holding my belly and boobs (wearing 2 jog bras) and just feeling my back flab bounce. This was not the case last time I did this routine, which was only like in September or so.

So next time I really will have to make sure to wear a very sturdy leotard or something to keep my flabby parts from bouncing so painfully. What is her name on the 30-Day Shred? She says "I have 400-pound people who can do jumping jacks, SO CAN YOU!" and I'm just wondering how the 400-pound people manage that bouncy flab!

So, the brunt of it is that there's a great big spike on my sparkpeople weight graph showing that I've gained nearly 15 pounds since a month ago! That's really pretty bad. I weighed 238 yesterday (after breakfast) - this morning it's 236. I definitely have the potential to show some great improvement since I'm at such a low right now, but it really will take intense consistency over the long haul to reach my goal. I think I should blog daily to remind myself, maybe even start a new blog and get a fresh start.

Monday, November 22, 2010

not tempted at the mo

Sparkpeople currently recommends I eat 1430-1780 calories per day, but that's based on the idea that I'm exercising 3 times per week (not lately!) Still, today, if I'm counting right, I've had 1769 calories, well in the low end of range for protein and fat, but 15 grams too many carbs. Supposedly to maintain my weight, though, I'd have to eat over 2100 calories per day, taking into account my sedentary lifestyle of late.

Given all that info, as I've been considering the ice cream in the freezer all night long, I was tempted when I ate dinner but now, I'd rather just have a glass of water, honestly. I made some decaf constant comment tea to drink while I read myself to sleep.

I went to the grocery store again yesterday just to stock up before I got very busy with work. I now feel quite stocked up. Anyway, my cabinets are now too full. Hopefully this will keep me stocked for a while, though I might have to go back just for some milk or fresh produce. I haven't been much for the canned or frozen (processed) foods (there was a time I finished a lean cuisine or something and said to myself - "I never need to eat another frozen dinner in my life." That was before Amy's vegetable korma dinner) but I have some now for quick soup or some beets or a frozen dinner to carry out (which I'd probably supplement with a simple salad with oil & vinegar salad dressing and a fruit, as was typically done with ediets). Apples and oranges and sweet potatoes, oh my. A selection of proteins, most in the freezer. Some tofu I bought not knowing what to cook it in. A new bag of grits because I didn't have enough grains in that cabinet what with the brown rice, basmati rice, barley, oat bran, cream of wheat,... But I'm in the mood for grits with my eggs in November.

And I got some sweets, but again tried to be very selective. Sure I'd have loved to get some soft archway molasses or dutch cocoa cookies, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat just one. However, I did select a box of Carr's ginger lemon cookies - a sandwich of 2 ginger snaps with some lemon creme filling between them. These are also good but I am not apt to succomb to the urge to eat the whole box at once. I replenished my supply of dark chocolate covered cranberries because, even though I do nibble at them often and get a rush from the delicious dark chocolate, I am able to have a little bit and let go. I was especially worried when I chose the ice cream - I yielded to desire and selected something more naughty - Ben & Jerry's brownie cheesecake. And sure enough I ate half of the carton that night, which was 400 calories! BUT I stopped before I ate the whole thing so that is something. I enjoyed it. Big fan of brownies am I - and even as I walk past the brownie mix in the grocery store I want to buy them but I don't, not even the no-pudge, because I will not be able to stop myself, and I don't deserve that kind of binge this week!

So tonight, I could have some ice cream, but eh, I am just not that interested after all. I do not take credit for this awesomeness, but I do marvel and glory in it.

I'm still eating healthy natural whole foods and made a concerted effort to make sure I chose some good vegetables for dinner tonight - turnip greens and asparagus, which I prepared in bulk yesterday but I'm almost out of the greens. Greens are the happening thing Chez Hallie these days - collard greens, turnip greens, mustard greens, kale - but I didn't see spinach at the Harris Teeter and I looked real hard because I luvs me some spinach!

So now, before bed, I have to think about my day tomorrow and what I need to take with me to eat - what can I use up from the perishables first, versus what won't be too difficult to transport?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Nov 19, 223 going pretty good

So my blog has completely gone from being the inspirational weight loss example I maniacally thought it would be over a year ago and has become "Golly I hope I don't gain it all back."

I'm holding steady. Today I'm 223 or so, I've been 222-223 all week. The week has been successful, as far as watching what I eat, choosing my meals sensibly - choosing whole natural foods with carbs, fats, and proteins suitably dispersed, and sweets and treats in moderation (usually) taking note of when I start to feel out of control. Day before yesterday I planned a meal and prepared it for myself and my family. While visiting I had about 8 tortilla chips (the regular kind) and 2 tablespoons of chocolate fudge icing I found in the fridge. I didn't count my calories after breakfast - by that point, if damage was done it was done. But I felt altogether good about it. Yesterday I met my mother for an event at which food was provided. I had too much of the cake for dessert. Felt very full afterward though, which kept me from eating any more that night, until on the way home I got some gumdrops and chocolate.

I wound up eating all the gumdrops over the next few hours as I read in bed until late, but strangely, most of the Hershey's special dark chocolate bar is still in my purse 24 hours later, and I think it will last until tomorrow at least.

Also, the Ben & Jerry's ice cream is still in my freezer! And I only just finished off the dark chocolate covered cranberries today, after my meal of 10 shrimp, 1/2 acorn squash with light butter and brown sugar, and a rice/broccoli/cheese casserole. With 2 Woodchuck ciders I have gone over my calorie allotment, but I'm not sure how much to lash myself for drinking too many calories from a moderate amount of alcohol. Not too much, I'm inclined right now.

All this has been well and good, but the question is, will it stay well and good when I start working again. I have been practically housebound, with no work and not allowing myself to spend money. At least my mood is up from where it was a couple weeks ago. Weight loss is not my only priority anymore and I'm also very focused on mental competence, reading, and creativity. And trying to figure out if I should stay where I am in life, and if I should move on, then where to? But actually I've been distracted from that question lately.

So, I'd rather be 215 now, for sure, but I am enjoying this new relationship with food.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Nov 15, 221 - moderation

I have been up (had a binge I think) and now am working on moderation.

I have found myself jealous of people who have leftovers in the fridge to eat from throughout the week. I decided to try veering off the meal plan again and just eat a moderate, healthy, satiating breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. This plan went a little awry last night when I worked until 5:30 a.m.

Another part of what I'm doing is trying to focus on the appreciation I have for foods that I don't lose control over, and then also think about using that awareness to manage my moderation.

For example, I bypassed all the Oreos and chocolate chip cookies, and I bypassed the brownies - because I knew I would not be able to keep myself from overindulging even if I wanted to. I didn't get a gooey chocolatey marshamallowey caramelly Ben & Jerry's, but I did get Banana Split Ben & Jerry's - I had 3 bites the first day which were tasty and even had a shock of chocolate fudge syrup in it - and the rest has been sitting in the freezer since then - this is fairly unheard of for me and I don't know what to attribute it to. Maybe my plan is working, maybe it's my hormonal cycle. I bypassed potato chips and chocolate bars, but got dark chocolate covered cranberries, of which I enjoyed about 6 or 7 yesterday, and some trail mix seeds, something that I like but never choose over the other, more egregious, options. I figured I could easily pick up a pinch of the trail mix and satiate myself where a jello pudding would only make me grab another.

I have become tentative about bananas, but someone suggested them for their potassium as a way to possibly deal with a physiological issue that sometimes bugs me - so I put half a banana on my oatmeal squares as planned.

Oatmeal squares - I thought 1 cup of oatmeal squares wouldn't be enough of that delicious cereal, but with my eggs, milk, 1/2 banana, I didn't even have the desire to finish off my planned breakfast with my fruit selection - an orange.

I made a shepherd's pie, enough for days, and have been feeding off it in decent-sized portions. I cooked up some cranberries but didn't use nearly enough sugar - they are hard to eat much of although tasty, and I actually felt like I might have overdosed on vitamin C, so those are available to me in the fridge as well.

I need to use calorie counters to make sure I don't go overboard with the calories. I also need to start exercising again because I feel unstrongish and like being strong, and also it would probably help my energy, stamina, and metabolism, as everyone already knows. Even though my weight is maintaining, I think my midsection is thicker, and that totally sucks.

Honestly, looking at my shape and realizing that the belly will probably never go away the way I'd like is enough to make me almost want to just quit.

What gets me back to wanting to lose a little weight again is the fear of increasing jeans sizes, and more than that, a few clothes that I want to be able to fit into - one shirt in particular is sooo cute and hot, and the dress that I was so happy about too - I need to be smaller around to wear them well, otherwise they are a big letdown.

Anyway, so far this is working well with my brain. I hope it keeps up. :-)

Monday, November 8, 2010

Nov 8, 221

Two nights ago I came to bed at 9:00 p.m. - no good reason for it, very strange. We were still in daylight savings then, even. So wound up skipping dinner. Had high hopes in the morning, but instead I had gained, back UP to 220. Could be that the breakfast I'm eating, which seems big, really is too many calories. And my energy level is non-existent. I haven't had any exercise since I nearly fainted at the gym a few days ago, though I did take a nice little walk yesterday. I mailed those 2 fitness employees a nice little card. Even though the weather has improved greatly, my mood is still withdrawn. I am wary. I was hit hard enough to need to abruptly reconsider my life, enough to feel it necessary to make drastic changes. So I'm staying withdrawn until I think through that. It's been fairly easy to be withdrawn - having no work and no life all week. My ability to focus mentally at this time is a rare occasion, too, so this is taking much longer than it should.

Yep - on the scale I am up again - 221. Too many calories for this activity level I guess.

Sometimes, when I observe my wrinkly skin, I think I'd rather just stay plump and get my belly removed/reduced.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Nov 4 219 - faint at the gym and moodiness

Sucks to weigh more today than yesterday.

Yesterday was a crummy day. I was most of the way through the day before I realized it was gray and rainy and therefore a low barometric pressure day. So yes, a few circumstances in my life are weighing very very heavily on me - namely that I'm not getting any workcalls this week and I need money, and romantic hopes raised followed by complete shutdown... again... added to the typical I-have-no-friends-and-my-life-is-going-nowhere-and-someone's-gonna-die-and-that's-gonna-suck-and-I-can't-afford-a-house-health-insurance-or-a-trip-to-Europe-and-if-my-car-breaks-down-I'm-screwed-and-I'm-useless-and-uunwanted stuff. It was the sort of day it took all my energy to get out of bed. I shuffled a bag of trash up to the dumpster. I shuffled over to the grocery store.

I realized I have all this free time and I'm wasting it with this depression. So, even though it's still rainy and mopey I pushed myself out the door this morning and went to the gym. I wanted to put in more effort than a piddling recumbent bike, so I hopped onto the elliptical trainer for a standing workout, but decided that - since this was my first time in a few weeks - to start low and did the "Weight Loss Interval Workout." And suffered. It was only 28 minutes but I felt like my heart rate was too high so I held back even though I wanted to push harder - have to take it easy. By the end of the workout I felt horrible - I was faint, no color (I should have been red as a beet!), cold, weak, I had a lot of abdominal pain like menstrual cramps or the need to go to the bathroom. I lay down, then I went weakly to the bathroom, where I sat for a while and then wanted to lie down but not in this bathroom, so I weakly sought out a space where I could get on the floor and put my feet up and wait to feel better.

There was no one else in this workout area and I just felt awful and found myself thinking I didn't feel like getting up or sitting up and actually thought about calling someone with my cellphone to have them call the Y to come find me and make sure my heart was still beating. But I didn't want to cause undue worry or annoyance to my roommate or my brother so I waited, curled over onto my side (which felt good to my pelvis), waited some more, then stood and faintly made my way literally only a few steps around the corner, where two fitness employees shared an office, and I stood in the doorway and said I wasn't feeling well.

They jumped to attention, had me sit down. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't in yet, but one of them took my blood pressure and said it was 90 over 50 while the other went and got me some candy. And let me tell you - I ate that chocolate before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. That's twice in 4 weeks I've broken my vow, and I consider both cases legit.

Whether because I was already improving physically, or because human interaction was good for my soul and they were friendly and easy to get along with and not at all abrasive to interact with, or because of the chocolate, or whatever, I started to feel better.

It's not the first time it's happened to me - it's relatively common after jogging and I can remember lying on the floor with my feet up at least once after a workout at the gym before, years ago. But this was such a light workout. I do have low enough blood pressure usually - my BP has never been an issue - but I was rejected from donating blood earlier this year due to low pulse - 1 point below the limit. No doctor's visit has ever expressed any concern about my arterior activity, though it can be very hard to find a vein on me and I can never feel my own pulse unless it's up around 140, though nurses can.

It's just that it was such a lightweight workout! And it's not like I'm starving myself, though hadn't had breakfast yet (something they jumped on as a possible cause - I often prefer to get my exercise in before breakfast because if I wait until after, I'm afraid I might not ever get around to exercising - but I guess I'll have to work in some kind of protein+carb snack before workouts even if it's not in my meal plan to make sure this doesn't happen again.) I drank a glass of water before going.

They asked more than once if I was a diabetic and I answered "Not to my knowledge."

One of the fitness employees talked about how arteries constrict sometimes during exercise to keep blood going where it needs to go, and maybe that's why I get pelvic pain. Personally, I think all the blood sank into my pelvis, because it certainly wasn't in my head or my arms. I tend to want to blame my (as I imagine them) loose abdominals and chastise myself for always postponing ab work.

We had a dash of sunshine while I wrote this but it's gone now. Still, maybe the barometric pressure has gone up. I'm feeling a little better, I have the house to myself and want to do all the things that I always want to do with my free time - namely learn French and Welsh and read and write and paint, these days.

I also want to write or call them, let them know I got home okay. I want to get into writing more letters, being more engaged. I wrote to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, just to thank them for the rally. I want to write to my community's leaders and my government representatives too. Not sure what I'd say but my Mom does it, her Dad used to do it, and I have a young friend who does it too.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Nov 3, 218.5

I weigh 218.5 and I'm too depressed to move. Definitely no comments necessary on this post. I will try to update my finances, pay my bills, and read.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

post-weekend, Nov 2, still under 220!

219 pounds this morning. I had gained over the weekend. Food accessibility was difficult. We were staying at my uncle's place in/near Annapolis, MD, but our hosts were not there, so we were not keen on eating their food, yet we didn't know where to get our own because we were in the middle of a dark wilderness of mansions with no mercantile establishments in sight and no idea how to get to one. I had a little stale raisin bran and a pack of Lance crackers or something. And candy corn out of the dish on the counter.

Then in the morning we drove to the subway and got on it and landed in the middle of DC, hungry. We ate McDonald's burgers at a sidewalk cart. Dad skipped on the fries, so I did too, but I got a Quarter Pounder with cheese. There weren't many options. Had we got there 10 minutes earlier I could have had an egg mcmuffin.

We eventually ate dinner at around 7 or 8 that night in an expensive Mexican restaurant where you get several small courses. The food was excellent quality cuisine with good ingredients, and the prices kept me from overindulging.

Once back in Annapolis we went on a hunt for a convenience store for drinks and nibbles, and I got a peanut/caramel protein bar and an orange.

Sunday we drove back, stopping for lunch at a cafe where I got roast beef with mashed potatoes with a ton of gravy that I scraped off, and delicious salad bar. I ate as much as I could knowing it would be the last I'd eat for a while. Though I did buy gumdrops later in the trip at a convenience store that didn't offer many healthy satisfying options.

So, still avoiding the chocolate, I still had plenty of refined sugars. Once back in town that night, on the way back to my house, I stopped at a convenience store to get something (wasn't sure what, just something to help satiate my growing hunger, thinking of caramels) and wound up getting a cherry & cream cheese danish, a lance oatmeal cream cookie, and some caramels. All of which I ate by the end of the night. Yesterday morning I weighed something like 224.

Over the course of yesterday I hardly did anything. I did eventually make breakfast, eventually make lunch, a little housework, and then realized I was too tired to deal with dinner and hoped that would save me a little on today's weigh-in. Maybe it did!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Oct 27, 219.5

Wow, I have waited all morning to get under 220, but it happened. Yay. 219.5, I guess. I am impatient for more results.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Oct 226, 220: Art and Creativity

Ok, well, I am almost back to that new decade. ***sigh*** All part of the weight loss roller coaster? Not gonna analyze it. I want to get back below 220! I was happy to be there, I felt successful!

I've had a couple days off now. It's been great fitting more in between my Kingdoms of Camelot playing. Sleeping. Lounging. Plenty of time to get around to exercise. Housecleaning. Northern Exposure. Attending to my food preparation. Mindfulness. And kind of most exciting of all for me right now - I'm doing art work. I bought a package of acrylic paints on a whim, because I am loaded with cash. I can be a really good drawer, but I want to do something with splashes of color, I'm a big fan of color. But I'm not skilled with paint. So I'm just practicing. Playing. And this morning I drew a template and cut it out to create the pattern for my next painting, and it took me back to childhood. I know all kids have little art classes when they are growing up where they do crafts, but for me it's kind of Times 2 because my Mom was the art teacher, my Mom is an artist, and she would come up with crafts and art projects for us sometimes when we were kids, not to mention we were always in her art classes. I have to credit her with teaching me how to see things artistically when I was young. Flashback to an earlier time of greater mindfulness, a time before internet, frankly. It's really special to be alone with my own mind working creatively. I tend to be really good at seeing something that someone else created and knowing how it needs to be improved - I'm not sure if that's a skill I should be at all proud of. In fact, one way of looking at it is that it's annoying. I come from a background in which creativity as well as intellectualism are valued. Yet my job, while being somewhat artistic, is not fully creative. I take something that's already partially made and then I draw it together with my lighting. It's typical of me and my skills - to see what's already been done, and make it better in just the right way. When I was young, I could write stories. I created them out of nothing and without self-consciousness. There was like a spark. But now, as an internet junkie, true creativity has fallen by the wayside.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oct 25, 221.5

I was on plan yesterday and though I wasn't active during the day (pretty much stayed on the sofa) I did go for a good walk and included a bit of a jog so that was something. However the scale is giving me a disappointing reading. So I'll wait for better satisfaction tomorrow. Right now I'm going to get rubbed down for 50 minutes. I've never done this before and I'm getting kinda nervous.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Chocolate ban interrupted

Ok, well, what did it take to have my personal ban on chocolate interrupted after 2 weeks? Could have been a menstrual thing, or could have been that I had to go in to work at 3:00 a.m. this morning after only 2 hours of sleep - but I think mostly it was because the cookies were delivered to me out of the blue by someone I very much want to have doing sweet little thoughtful things for me. They were 4 little gourmet cookies, they had chocolate in them. The first one tasted good but hit me like a rock. An hour later, the next three were much easier to stomach all at once. And 2 to 3 hours after that, I decided to have a KK doughnut and two iced sugar cookies, and let me tell you, I worked really hard to force that last frosted sugar cookie into my now-normalized blood-sugar level. My tummy was saying "No! No!" and my will was saying "Yes, Yes!!!" Go figure. Getting your body clock out of whack on the day you start your period especially after an excellent scale reading can very likely cause a backslide. I won't even call it a backslide, more like a blip. Today I weighed 221, back up from my wonderful 219.5. In fact, I didn't stand on the scale very much because I didn't want to see the number go higher. Whatever I weigh today is just a blip on the road. I have predicted all along that there would be blips (hello holiday season!)

As an aside, I'll have you know that (before I broke my chocolate ban) I went to a play yesterday where they distributed little bites of brownie during the performance. A platter of my favorite concoction of edible ingredients was placed under my nose. Would it have killed me to take one? No, except that it would have broken the ban on the chocolate, and just been more of an open door to cheating. So, at that time, I resisted - annoyed by the Satanic temptation placed before me.

Twelve hours later circumstances were different.

4 more weeks on the no chocolate thing.

Also, this weekend, I'm going on a road trip to D.C. with my Dad - the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity. Should be fun to hang out with thousands of like-minded people, plus a trip to D.C. in the bargain. But as for what to eat - clearly I have no idea - what food will be available - where I'll be and when I'll eat. I can try to be a good girl. That always works out well - ha.

Friday, October 22, 2010

A new decade!

Oo, la la! The scale seems pretty well settled under 220 today. 219.5 I'm claiming officially. Just yesterday I was thinking how boring and frustrating it was starting to feel, losing weight I already lost months ago. But this "passing the long line" of 220 and into a new decade feels very refreshing! And exciting as well, I could now, at 2 pounds per week, see 199 by New Year's Eve. It's still a long way from 180, or feels like it. So impatient am I.

I was also thinking yesterday about how strange it is - three weeks ago I was pounding down candy bars daily - like around 3 or so per day. Don't get me wrong - it was nice! But what's strange is that it was hard to imagine NOT doing it. And yet to remember that not too long ago it was hard to imagine eating that much chocolate/sugar/candy all at once.

Yesterday was a crummy day for me. Hormones took over me and made me very very moody. Very sad for the things I do not have, can never have, and will probably never have. That sadness and desperation is always there, but yesterday it took me over. While it was kind of nice to feel sorry for myself, hopefully today will be a bit more up. (I actually considered the possibility that my loss on the scale was due to all the weight I lost in TEARS and all the calories I burned WRITHING IN DESPAIR.)

I also had a Midori Sour last night. Not on the plan, but I did stop at one. Just really felt like the right night for it.

Last night I put on my size 16 dress. It stretched over my curves like a wetsuit, revealing everything. I kinda wanted to wear it tonight. I'm really in the mood to get out and buy a new outfit, something that makes me look hot. I just don't know if that's possible with this belly. ARGH! Plus I shouldn't be spending money. I just paid off my credit card (which had begun to carry a balance over the summer) but I owe my savings $1000 and I don't think I'm getting another check for a *while.*

Anyway, I'd better hurry, to get up, make breakfast, get primped and dressed and out the door, go to the farmer's market, buy hottie clothes, and go to my show's preview tonight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oct 21 - baffling scale

Well, I just had a very strange time on the scale. Every time I stood on the scale I weighed less. I started at around 222.5-223, and wound up down around 219-220, getting frighteningly close to 218, but never making it. The last time I stood on the scale it was around 220, I think. In fact, the more I stood on the scale the more it seemed to adjust to the lower range. I think I kept trying because I thought that the higher readings would be more appropriate, but I don't know where they went. I guess I will happily report 220 to fitday and sparkpeople and accept that it might just be a blip on the charts, though, gosh golly, I hope it's a real sign of movement!

Yesterday I stayed on my meal plan but wondered if I was over-estimating my portion sizes, chewed lots of gum, had 3 sugarless hard candies, drank my 2 glasses of water and the rest diet soda - but not as many diet sodas yesterday as in recent days, not as much beverage overall. Biked 30 minutes but burned fewer calories because I was reading a magazine. Breakfast was cheese-tomato-avocado on toast with strawberries and coffee with soy milk; snack was a little tomato sauce and cheese on 1/2 a sandwich round, broiled as a pizza; lunch was a tuna-salad-stuffed tomato with macadamia nuts and yogurt; snack was cantaloupe and my last 2 soy hotdogs; and dinner was chicken, spinach, onions, and mushrooms with brown rice with an apple.

I'm going to try a sparkpeople meal plan and see how that goes for next week.

I'm still waiting for my midsection to behave!


So I just went over to sparkpeople. They want me to eat between 1420 and 1750 calories per day, but they gave me a meal plan that was only 1250 calories? Screw it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oct 20, 2010 - 224

Ok, I can't wait any longer, apparently my weight is 224 today. One blip in one day is no cause for freaking out, I guess :-/ I have decided it's due to one of two possibilities - (1) no bm this morning, or (2) my recumbent bike session of 2 days ago is building up loads of thigh muscle!!! Or some menstrual thing, I don't know.

It's a chilly and rainy morning and feels very nice. I love waking up naturally in the morning after a full night's sleep (8 hours for me.) My work is finally starting to let up a little. I'm spending far too much time craving things that I can't afford - travel, new clothes, new lingerie, new homes, and health insurance. I still don't seem to have a ton of *energy* - I feel loungy and lazy, especially in cold weather, I don't want to move! But I'm going to go do that biking again, and this time take my book, which I haven't cracked in probably over a week.

It's 9:38 but it feels like 8 a.m. I wish it were 8 a.m. so I could luxuriate the morning away. But nooooooo, I have to charge the day. Well, I will charge her gently.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

no budge - 223

I am holding steady at 223, I guess. Yesterday I did get on the recumbent bike and felt relatively out of shape :-) I haven't been cardiovascularly involved since about 6 or 8 weeks ago when I did spend a week going to the gym most days, but I included some running on the treadmill, hoping to build up to being a runner again, and then my feet got a bit hobbled, as they do sometimes. And I got all wrapped up in my laptop again.

Spent I suppose too much time on my laptop this morning, trying to find the most affordable way to see the Northern Lights. It might be Reykjavik, so far.

Yesterday I did stay on plan but added, oh, 4-6 ounces of champagne after rehearsal with the cast.

Well, maybe in a couple days I'll drop down a couple pounds all at once. There's nothing for me to do but keep on plan. I am eager to see the other side of 220.

So off I go into the day.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The honeymoon's over, but I'm still pushing.

Today I can report a weight of 222.5, I guess. A slight loss. Still, and we knew it was coming, the honeymoon's over - the first week's great weight has come off, and yet I still feel like it's an effort and still have far to go and my jeans are still tight on me! It's been a rough week, and sadly there's still more to go.

I'm putting more effort right now into manageable daily to-do lists, but am having a hard time sorting out long-term goals at the mo. Right now I'm going to exercise before I even do my to-do list, because I do the to-do list over brekky and I want to exercise before brekky. Just a few minutes on the recumbent bike over there.

I feel I could break at any time, but I also feel that the "no chocolate for 6 weeks" thing is really helping me to not cheat. I look at a platter of candy that's been laid out for snacks at work - everything is either chocolate or something fruity. I like all candy, but the only stuff I'm tempted to cheat with is the chocolate. If I could have the chocolate, I might grab chocolate and/or Laffy Taffy or Skittles, but when I remember I can't have chocolate, I just shrug and pass on the whole thing.

And I wonder why it is such a weakness. Why do I think I should crave the "chocolate"-flavored coffee more than the "blueberry cobbler"-flavored or the cinnamon hazelnut - both are terrific flavors? Anyway, I'm not so stringent on this anti-coffee thing that I said no to the Chocolate-flavored coffee. But the others I really do like just as much and might like others as well.

I did, however, have a cookie yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it, so I at around the chocolate chips. A significant amount of the remainder of cookie consisted of a pecan half. The rest just tasted magnificent.

Well, I'm going to try to continue to post a blog every morning again and report in, even if it's just as boring (or more so) as this one, just as an incentive to be a good girl.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

First week, 6 pounds down, 24 to go.

Ok, week 1 complete, and I'm weighing 223.

It probably wasn't until well into my twenties that I started to see how men see the world, how they check out women's bodies. Now I do it. Downtown there's always some eye-catching women walking around, and when I spot one, I look around at all the men. It's amazing, men who are alone or with other men look brazenly - men who are with women don't look at all. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, or friend groups - men who are with women actually look like they didn't even see this hottie at all. Two nights ago there was a very striking, very skinny woman with long skinny legs sticking out from under some hyper-short spandex shorts and dropping into these tall powerful heeled shoes. Plus she was just standing on the street corner, on the phone I think, as if waiting for someone - and everyone was staring at her. In front of me was a couple in their 50s or 60s I'd say, man and woman, just left the Symphony. The man seemed to take no notice at all but the woman would not stop staring at this skinny-legged woman. I kinda felt sorry for the chick, she looked so exposed, but she didn't seem to mind so I guess she likes being stared at by everyone around, or doesn't mind.

Anyway the point is, last night, young ladies clubbing downtown, so many tight jeans and great figures. I thought about how well everyone's jeans fit and wondered about my belly - if it would ever amount to anything without surgery. I still think I want to know what it's like to be skinny, just once at least, during this life. Preferrably while I'm still pre-menopausal. Maybe even while I'm still in my 30s. But if I'm just gonna be droopy skin, it'll still be neat but not AS neat.

There was a group of people invited on the stage at last night's Opera opening before the show last night. All in formal wear. I was onstage checking the lights with my friend. All at once he stopped and said, "There's a proposal going on." So I turned and looked and saw a man on bended knee on the stage surrounded by all these people in formal dress, saying words like "I love you so much, will you be by my side forever." He was being very romantic, and the woman was moved to tears, and she seemed to accept. She was a heavy woman; a lovely woman, but definitely obese. I take note of the size of women who can find love in their life from men. He must have been a bundle of nerves but it all happened very fast and then we applauded them and congratulated them. I've never had a boyfriend. The guy I was with, I don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend but he hasn't had one for as long as I've known him which is nearly 10 years. He has no body issues, though, unless you count baldness, which has happened to him over the last 5-7 years. I don't think he wants a girlfriend though. His girlfriend is the thousands of girls who go to the clubs on display for him who don't even know he exists.

I felt almost as lucky to see that proposal as I felt to have seen a huge fireball high in the sky the other morning.

Anyway - on with my day. I have new meals for this week - hurrah. I'm excited to try Swiss chard for the first time in a Swiss chard and bean soup, which also has soy hot dogs in it, which I'll also be having for the first time. Sounds delish. :-) Also hydrating. I felt good to drink 2 full glasses of actual water yesterday. I will keep it on my to-do list for today. Which I will be making shortly. :-)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oct 16 - 222, tentatively

It's a bit jumping the gun maybe to register today's weight as 222, since last night's bout of sleep was really more like a nap and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I am up to go to the theatre now, and I will have to stay up a long time today, but I might manage a bit more sleep.

I was looking at my weight graph and thinking that it should look kinda remarkable after this 7 pounds loss, I should look like I'm getting somewhere - but it doesn't look like that. This one week of weight loss is but a blip on the graph of the past 18 months. Then all at once I noticed my goal weight line, extending out beyond where I am now, and moving down down down. It made me think that, rather than being about how far I've come, it should be about how far I have to go. This won't be over any time soon, so I might as well pull away from the graph. I don't know, it made sense in my head. :-)

I was a naughty girl yesterday and stayed awake but forgot to go to the grocery store, which I meant to do. So - if I hope to have food for tomorrow, I need to go to the grocery store. Which - I don't know when the hell that's going to happen between work and sleep.

*If* it doesn't happen, I will just try to "eat healthy" tomorrow.

All that said - this morning I saw a fireball in the sky. Larger than a shooting star, it crackled with golden sparks, didn't travel very far, seemed to stop even, and disappeared. I found where others saw it too, over a hundred miles from here. So cool. :-)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Oct 15 - 223

Hm, I think I must have got off-track of the date of late. So today, no weight loss from yesterday. I am understanding. I'm going to concentrate on getting in some straight-up water today - I'm thinking water might have been the reason I lost control with some sugar-free jelly beans. Yesterday I began to feel confusion again about when to eat - it wound up being ok - it has to do with what I'm trying to do sleep-wise, but these days I'm finding my body won't let me stay awake too long - it starts to aggravate my spine, and muscles in a way it never did a year ago - trying to find a word for it, Dad said "jittery" and that's kinda right. Not that the muscles are jumping, but they are in a constant and increasing state of wanting to. I don't know if it's old age or if it's even the early symptoms of disease.

Anyway - I wound up getting more sleep last night than I'd wanted because my alarm was on vibrate. So I don't have as many hours of quiet contemplation at the theatre as I would have liked. Still - I'm not going to freak out. It's going to be a good day.

Another thing is that I started obsessing about moving out again. Just now I find evidence in the kitchen that my roommate's bf is back from NY and still here. Unless she's decided to go on Atkins, which seems unlikely since she doesn't like meat. So how long is he staying? Indefinitely? Anyway - I WANT MY CAT! And I found this cute apartment in a great location - right smack downtown. I didn't ever know I wanted to live downtown, but we have a tiny closed-off little historic district bursting with charm. I figure I could live there for a year - it's beyond my budget, so I started to see what other kinds of places I could get at $650 per month, too.

But this ill-timed obsession interfered with my productivity.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Oct 13 - 223

I would have been disappointed not to have a loss today, but I would have understood. But ok, I got another pound off today, weighing in at 223. That's 6 pounds down since Sunday. The cool thing about that is that, now, at a rate of 2 pounds per week (too optimistic?) I can hope to get right at 200 by year's end, and *if* I pushed or were lucky, could see the other side of 200 by year's end.

I had to walk past ANOTHER plate of brownies yesterday. No chocolate until Nov 21. Oy. How about one of Subway's wonderful oatmeal raisin cookies on Sunday or something? Eh, better not put that much sugar in me so soon, I think.

My jeans were feeling very very tight and uncomfortable around my midsection yesterday. The 16s with just the barest touch of stretchiness.

Oooo, a sexy crack of thunder at 7 a.m.! How exotic!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

huge waist

You know, I was feeling pretty good about my weight loss this morning, but then today I was weighing in and decided to get my measurements so I could see how they'd changed and see how they will change as I continue to lose weight again. Man. Well, for one thing, and maybe it's just the bra I'm wearing, but it's the first time ever that my chest measured as smaller than my waist. I HATE THAT! Besides, before I even took the measurement I looked at myself in the mirror and thought - "Whoa. That doesn't look at all right." My goodness, my shape. And I'm pretty sure that my waist is not happy with the waistband of these jeans. Oh, well, I can look forward to that changing soon and that will feel good.

Oct 13, 224 yay :-)

Ah, the first week of a diet, when the weight just seems to melt away. After 3 days, I'm down 5 pounds from where I started. But still only back to where I was a couple weeks ago when I hit 225 and thought "Darn, I'm getting too fat again!"

No struggles or hunger still - though I will say my roommate left the brownies uncovered last night so this morning as I prepared my food for the day I could smell them too. My mantras took full force - it would be so easy to have *just one* if I hadn't vowed to stay the course completely - for at least 6 weeks, hopefully long enough to have some changes ingrained into me again. As Stephen wrote at today - "The behavior of eating temptations is not good. It leads to giving in to every temptation I run into, and THAT will destroy my weigh-in."

So I'm eating way more cottage cheese this week than I realized when I planned my meal plan for this week. Breakfast this morning was a cup of cottage cheese and a WHOLE BUNCH of fruit - cantaloupe and berries. And 6 macadamia nuts. Honestly, I worried it wouldn't satisfy me. But I only have to last until snack, which will last me until lunch. And trust the meal plan. I haven't felt hunger before, why should I now? That cantaloupe was SO good.

Anyway - weigh-in should be a good one at the end of this week. I *think* my jeans feel less tight - around my waist in particular, more than around my legs, which is really the ideal way for it to happen. That's really important - to fit into my jeans again.

So - today while I'm sitting around doing nothing at work - I need to create a new meal plan and grocery list for next week, and also really put forth some thought into some fitness goals. Core muscles, thighs, and arms, and also butt. Just a few simple exercises like crunches and sit ups and knee lifts and lunges and squats and leg lifts and bicep curls, several times a week should do it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oct 12 - 226

Gotta make this quick and head out to work. Only 226 today. **pout** Just kidding. I might have hoped for another 2-pound loss instead of just 1 today, but 1 pound in one day is fine, even after only 2 days. I'm still on board, still motivated and using my mental mantras to ignore abrupt urges to reach out and grab something I shouldn't. Also thinking about having to report to this blog has motivated me, too. I can't fall away this time. Only 5 weeks and 5 days until I can have chocolate again! but who's counting? Seriously, I haven't really missed it yet. The hardest part right now is packing up the food, which I have to go do now.

Oh, hey, did I mention my roommate made a pan of brownies my first day on the diet? HAHAHAHA! To make it worse - she isn't one of those people who eats half the pan in one day, she can't tolerate more than a little bit at a time, poor thing, and her boyfriend is on Atkins but I think he had a bite-sized piece. Slowly slowly they are disappearing from their CLEAR GLASS PAN covered in PLASTIC WRAP on the KITCHEN COUNTER - totally visible, under my nose while I prepare my meals - they're about half gone now.

Vinegar shows up a lot. Balsamic vinegar on my tomatoes, red wine vinegar and olive oil on salads, lite red wine vinegar salad dressing... I figured the acidity did something to moderate appetite, especially maybe in conjunction with the fatty olive oil. But I looked it up and apparently it has been suggested that vinegar is good for your blood sugar level. So apparently it's not an accident. When I transition from the Low Glycemic plan, a lot of times it doesn't specify vinegar on your salads but just instructs for a tablespoon or so of any lite salad dressing, so I got myself some light Thousand Island. Frequently I would think I should use the vinegar, but it was a hard decision to make because I sort of gravitate to the Thousand Island. But I felt pretty sure that the Thousand Island wasn't bringing about the same feeling of goodness/satiety that I felt from using the vinegar.

So, yeah - vinegar.

In fear that my size 18s were being worn too many days in a row, I pulled out some clean 16s. These 16s are longs and they have a little elasticity in them. Right now the waistband is sort of digging into my guts a little bit. But these jeans are always tight just after they're washed, and they get real loose after a little wearing. I went for a walk yesterday and felt the tightness of my jeans pulling across my legs as I walked - the size 18s. That was more motivation. I've gotten bigger, need to get smaller.

Two days down, three pounds down, and still seeing indentations from my socks in the puffiness of my legs.

I have to be awake for a long time today. Breakfast at 3:00 a.m., not going to sleep until nearly midnight, probably - unless something can be worked out...

Have a happy!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Update after one day, continuing personal motivation

First day under my belt with no problems. I almost didn't even eat everything, but then I did. I'm sure the first day was a little easy because I'm not starving yet, I'm still holding on to extra calories from recent days. We'll see if I get at all light-headed in the coming days.

Once or twice I considered "cheating" but I didn't because I had all my food for the day with me and even a schedule of when to eat it. I'm trying to stick to the schedule because I took it very seriously when I first started, back when I was just following ediets prescription to the letter. Breakfast upon rising, snack after 5 hours, Lunch after 2 hours, snack after 5 hours, dinner after 2 hours, right before bed. That's the glycemic plan - the schedule is intended to keep your blood sugar level, without spikes or valleys. Sometimes I might feel like the snack isn't enough after 5 hours, but then I'd remember it's only supposed to tide me over a couple of hours.

I have wasted my 1st two hours of today in bed. (I'm currently waking up around 11 pm and going to sleep around 5pm. I had hoped to get a couple more hours of sleep.) Now I need to get up, wash dishes, and prep food for today as well. Doesn't have to be as much, though, because I am free to come home whenever I want today YAY! Concerned about exercise, I think I will go get on the exercise bike even though it will lose me precious night time - just to make sure I DO exercise today. It would be better to wait until day and then go to the gym, though - it's just a question of whether I trust myself to do that.

Being on this schedule is great except for 2 things - (1) no nightlife, if you can go without it, and (2) an excess of darkness combined with a lack of interpersonal contact can play havoc with my feelings. But I've always liked the sparse population and the quiet of the dead of night and the very early morning ie pre-dawn.

And now my weight loss results after my first day - scale reads 227 - 2 pounds down. Hope those jeans fit better today! I could *almost* hope to get under 200 by New Year, *almost*.

Motivational blurbs time -

want to fit back into those size 16s

want to lose this belly

want to be pretty, dress pretty

It's attainable now, if I stick to it.

Need to go ahead and schedule my meal planning for next week so I don't let it slip by - that has derailed me several times this summer.

"I don't eat that crap." "I'm allergic to chocolate and refined sugars." It's important." "I have all the food I need in my meal plan. It's already taken care of."

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10/10/10 229

I've still been gaining weight, watching myself baffled at the way I eat when I let myself go for too long. I was never supposed to be gone this long! I go to the grocery store for my weekly meal plan, then somewhere during the week my plans get interrupted and I think "Well, we'll make a little exception," or I get confused or behind or have to run out the door unexpectedly with no time to prepare food and well, we'll make a little exception. Lately, though, I am feeling very uncomfortable in my size 18s. I am pouring over the top of them, too, and all my clothes that I bought when I was size 16 are now too small.

So, here we go again. A stocked fridge, a simple meal plan. A full week of work ahead of me.

Rededicating. "It's important." I want to be under 200 by the end of the year, wouldn't that be something? At a rate of 2 pounds per week straight, I could come close, but wouldn't make it. And I would rather be the tortoise and win the race than the hare and lose it - it's all about long-term.

I would like to be on the fall plan and be eating squashes and sweet potatoes, but I went on the glycemic plan because what I think is my blood sugar issue is out of control just like it was when I started. I want to feel myself get back in control. I told my Dad - a real person in real life - that I'm quitting chocolate again for 6 weeks. So there ya go. (Yikes!) But seriously - no big deal. "I don't eat that crap." Halloween candy was never my favorite anyway. It's Easter candy season that tempts me!

When I started the first time, I set a goal of losing "any amount of weight" but set a long-term goal of 220, didn't I, a loss of 65 pounds. I have three long-term goal numbers in mind - 199, 192, and 180.

"I don't need to eat anything that isn't on the plan - my meal plan has me covered."

What I'm remembering is that - in the first week or two - I was hungry. Most of the time I was fine, but the first two weeks - maybe more - I felt withdrawal. Waiting 5 hours to eat a small snack, then two more before my meal seemed like it would be hard. But I did it, because I was that obsessed, that desperate, for real results. I shoved almost everything else out of my mind and out of my life and was a dieter.

Apparently I got rid of any size 20 jeans and I'd rather not spend money on jeans any larger. So unless I'm going to start wearing sweatpants, things are getting kinda desperate right now.

I think the past several entries have been me rededicating. I apologize to readers, because I know that's not inspiring and it's kinda sad and pathetic-seeming to readers.

Hopefully next week I'll pop back in and be able to proclaim proudly that I've stuck to it for the whole week. And there should definitely be some water-weight results to make me feel a little better and keep me dedicated.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Sep 10, 225

La ti da ti da. Are you bored with my postponements and failures yet? I'm 225 today, and fell off track during my stressful time at work again and found myself unable to drag myself away from work long enough to prepare healthy balanced meals, or even think about healthy balanced meals. And stress binging, and rewarding myself with edible treats. And now? Now I'm getting ready to go out of town for a few days - AGAIN! Which doesn't mean I have to be bad but I'm going to visit Dad and he's not necessarily a good influence on my eating habits but he can be, but I don't have to fall into the mud just because I'm away from my kitchen without a rope - I can use this time to practice being mindful and moderate.

In wondering when's a good time to do this, I'm realizing that work isn't the issue. First of all, this laptop is probably the worst thing. I'm too addicted to it. If I don't know what to do with myself for 1 second, I reach for the laptop. Then, I don't get off it nearly soon enough. Hours of the day dissolve away unrecognized as I click click click. It's not just showing itself in my eating and exercise habits - I can't get my housework done, can't keep a decent work schedule, and can't get my bills paid on time -- this is not how I am.

Last year when I started the diet, part of it involved retreating from the world. It was a little depressive, really, a recognition that other people were not there for me and so to just pull away from them. So I wasn't scouring facebook because no one was there for me, and I wasn't seeking interaction with friends or even family so much as usual.

Anyway, I need to break from the laptop a bit and focus more on tangible earthly goals and the world around me.

I don't quit this blog because I haven't given up yet. I still intend to reach my goal. It's just that getting back on track is getting hard. So my next goal is to break from the time-consuming stuff on the internet.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sep 3, 219

Ok, my weigh in today was up to 219. It is REALLY hard to get back on track 100% this time. If I could manage to be prepared, it wouldn't be so hard. But ok this time there's more getting in the way - and it's my work schedule. I just can't get ahead. I have to be up all night tonight and well into the day tomorrow. I'm too stressed and flaked out to even be able to think what to make. Even though I just had lunch, I'm having premonitions of breaking down and having candy-type foods in the next 20 hours some time.

Finding the commitment is harder this time around. I might not be entirely free of the effects of sugar. I also think I spend way more time on the computer than I realize even. Supposedly I have 2 snacks and a dinner left in my "day" of eating. I'm really ready to walk out the door and do some work now, not prepare food. I think they might be in rehearsal now, though, in which case I have nothing better to do than prepare some dinner and think and plan about my eating for the next 20 hours. But I am to flaked out to "think" anything out carefully. If the painter is there that's just going to be a burden for me.

By the way, last night I took a little break and went for a walk then jog. I have a long-distance friend who just posted that he jogged 9 MILES. This from being a shlub 9 months ago. I have been having foot problems and jogging on the treadmill has seemed hard and basically I just am scared to overdo it, but last night I jogged just to make sure I still could. I felt a little tightness in my heels but my cardiovascular system was on it, I only did a quarter mile but I could have gone much longer. Should I think about 9 miles?

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sep 2, 2010 218.5

Well - I was kind of worried about what today's scale would read because last night, I stayed at the theatre and worked and I got noshy and noshed on - baked cheetos (how do they even make baked cheetos?), baked sour cream and cheddar ruffles potato chips, peanut m&ms and a baby ruth. My calories for yesterday were up to around 2300. I guess I thought I'd ruined me again. But this morning (and by morning I mean when I finally awoke around 3:30 pm) I weighed 218.5. Surprised, yes. It's not like I've been starving myself enough for a binge to cause weight loss, by my understanding.

So I'm not proud of myself for cheating even if the scale seemed to have rewarded me.

I have just spent, like, 2 hours preparing and packing my food for the day. I ate the breakfast already and I feel like - I hope I am prepared to make it through the night on-plan. I saw Escape From Obesity's blog and was inspired again - I want to be not obese (again) and I want to be under 200 pounds (for once) and I want my belly to disappear and if I'm going to make it to the gym before they close I'd better get up and go.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The end of today, or the beginning of tomorrow?

Well, I stayed on the computer a couple hours longer than I meant to, then had to work to make up for that to save face. Now it's 5:45 a.m. and I'm still not going to the grocery store. It's all good, though, I'll go tomorrow afternoon before rehearsal! It only leaves the question of what to do about breakfast. I do still have eggs and toast, though, and milk and apples, so no big deal.

The other complication is that I've gone to nocturnal mode. Which means, how do I count the snack food I had tonight? As the end of yesterday or the beginning of today? In the past, I've always counted my food days as from waking to sleeping. But some days I stay up too long for that - usually to get out of nocturnal mode I stay awake until the next day rather than try to get up earlier... So I'm going by midnight to midnight, or maybe at least 2 a.m. to 2 a.m. - whatever feels right but I'm putting those baked Cheetos and peanut butter crackers down for Sep 1. After sleeping most of the day away, I'll probably be able to stay within my calorie range for this 24-hour period.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

midnight snack

So, I still haven't got to the grocery store, which meant today I kinda played it by ear. So far, ok. My breakfast of eggs and toast with lite butter and apricot preserves and very milky iced coffee was some 600 calories - more than the oat bran meal would have been. Then dinner was a Subway club sandwich - footlong - and chips - NOT COOKIES!!! Pretty exciting. I was actually able to just not even want a cookie all that much. I mean, yeah, I wanted a cookie. But I didn't feel like I was going to give in. I'm telling, Subway cookies may have been my downfall getting into this sugar rehab mess. One day I actually went and didn't even get a sandwich - just 5 cookies.

Anyway - that food brought me to about 1500-1600 calories for today. And in a half-hour, "today" will be over.

That said - I'm at the theatre now and plan to stay here and work for a while. Then go to the grocery store on the way home, say 4 a.m. When I'm bad, I raid their snack bar pretty hard. But I'm not being bad now, but I'm not sure what to nosh on. I don't even have any gum. I need to maybe step out, get some gum and some appropriate snack that will stabilize me. An apple? Cheese crackers? A green pepper? Where is the nearest 24-hour grocery store? Not very near here, anymore. Certainly not a quick trip. What would I find at the convenience store? Guess I'll go find out. One cool thing is that most convenience stores have fresh fruit available now. I just mustn't choose banana - it's not suitable for my glycemic needs.

Aug 31 2010, 220 pounds and holding

Benn hanging out at 220, waiting for the next big dip on the scale. ::drums fingers::

To be honest, the past two days I wasn't completely adherent to the plan. Sunday I went on an outing with Mom and we went to a restaurant where I had a very healthy and delicious salad that I figured easily fit within my plan. Then I wound up staying at Mom's late and had dinner at her place - I chose PBJ and a can of chicken noodle soup which altogether seemed to come to about 600-700 calories, so not terribly off. Later that night, finished off the last of a bag of tortilla chips.

Yesterday I had a good breakfast, and then a lunch, and a mini-personal-watermelon (half with lunch, half for dinner), and some sugar-free candies but not the whole bag. And a Lindt chocolate ball which was AMAZING but just the one.

I feel like my appetite is back under control so it's just a matter of making good choices to keep it that way, unswayed by the power of sugar.

Meanwhile I've been slack about getting back to the grocery store. Yesterday was my absolute last day to do it so that today I could work. Apparently, I'm running kinda late on this getting back to work thing. I guess what I'll do is finish off my getting-my-life-in-order stuff today as best as I can, go to rehearsal tonight where hopefully I'll see some useful staging, and then start the design tonight. There's really not a lot I can do without having seen the staging for the whole play, and I've only seen most of Act I so far.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Aug 28, 219.6 - getting more satisfied

Ok, so today seems to be the day, so far anyway, that I'm feeling more controlled and less deprived. My period started today, I've been working and sweating outside all morning and downing no-cal beverages from water to Diet Coke, so who knows if those are mitigating factors against the having-been-off-the-sugar thing. I've had breakfast and lunch and I still have my 2 snacks and dinner to have in the next 8 hours so I should be fine, I think. Yesterday I had some more sugar-free candy in addition to my meal plan (low sugar doesn't mean low calorie!) but today I seem less interested. In fact, I seemed to respond more to the sight of lollipops and gummi bears than my usual chocolates and nougats and cakes and so on. I think I tend to prefer/crave fruity foods and scented-body-washes when I'm thirsty.

My hope is that staying off the sugar will bring my binging back under control. It seems I do have an eating disorder after all - I love refined sugar foods and the more I eat, the more I want. When I'm under control, I can grant myself little allowances without messing up my system, but if I keep the allowances on a daily basis for a few days, start to increase them at all, and before you know it, it's 3 candy bars because not one of them was the one you really wanted so you hoped the three different ones might compensate, and then it's all cookies and candy and footlong subs and when do I eat next and who knows what's going on?

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, but knowing it is a good first step. Sometimes I would think "If I just thought of myself as a diabetic or something - someone who had to eat healthy or they would die." Not that I hope to be a diabetic, of course. Maybe there could be a system where I can eat sweets one week but take the next week off or something. I don't know.

My birthday's coming up and I wonder if there's such a thing as sugarless cake. Seems possible. Some sort of applesauce cake or something. I will look and see.

Anyway, today's (hopefully) the landmark day worth noting where I don't feel like I'm starving. Given that, I'm kinda looking forward to weighing myself again tomorrow.


My meal plan's been really repetitive all week. Due to a mistake, oat bran with apples for breakfast EVERY DAY - though yesterday when I was pressed for time I had frozen multi-grain waffles with cottage cheese and blueberries. I get 2 snacks per day and EVERY DAY those two snacks are (1) a tomato and 2 egg whites with lite oil and vinegar dressing, and (2) 2 slices of tomato with cottage cheese, carrot sticks and green olives. Lunch has been either (1) a 200-cal Lean Cuisine with a tomato and cheese and balsamic vinegar salad (I had a LOT of tomatoes this week - didn't quite realize until I got around to it) or (2) a cheese-topped veggie burger on a slice of rye with fried zucchini and strawberries and almonds. Dinner has been either a ham caesar salad or a spinach and bean salad. I think the same-iness has contributed to my success - preparations were rote, and the lack of variety might have also kept me a little more unenthused by my food.

Last night I went from 4:00 pm until 10:45 pm without eating and by the time I got home I was STARVING. (I had 2-4 sugar-free candies in the car on the way home, which was around 200-300 calories.) Still, I made my snack and dinner salad when I got home - going only a little overboard with some of the ingredients, maybe, but not much if at all - but as I ate I could feel the change coming gradually as the food hit my system, and after I was done I took notice of the difference at how comparatively satisfied I felt.

Friday, August 27, 2010

August 27, 220 lbs

220 pounds! Wow, that was abrupt! Even I didn't expect that.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Aug 26 - part 2




Over and over, especially if I wait too long to eat, I begin to have visions, almost taste hallucinations - of whatever - chicken salad, russell stover chocolates, crackers, pie. They come at me sometimes as the result of a smell, and sometimes out of nowhere! Tonight our houseguest was cooking dinner. I'd driven all the way back home just to get my snack. I had to leave ASAP for fear of the aromas of her cooking. Today I waited too long to eat breakfast - until about 3 or 4 p.m. and for the first time since I can remember, that tbig bowl of oat bran left me HUNGRY. I went ahead and ate midmorning snack and lunch too. Then I was overfull. I'm wearing my size 16 shorts and a shirt and both are too small for me but it's a healthy reminder that these clothes need to at least fit (if not get kinda baggy.) I'm chewing on gum and slurping up crystal light just to deal.

I'm headed home now (soon) for a spinach bean salad. It's going to be the best spinach-bean salad ever!

Aug 26, 2010, 223 pounds

As I just informed Facebook - summer's over. I had some troubles getting back on the plan this summer. When I go to work sometimes I have no idea if I'll be there for 4 hours or until late at night, and the concerts I work often cater - sometimes with healthy food, but with no predetermined limits on how much one should or shouldn't eat, and with desserts of course. And the camping trips and road trips and the not being able to get to the grocery store... And I started off the summer allowing myself, and every time I'd try to get back started there would be some reason or other to hold off one more day.

For instance, the other day I decided NOW'S THE TIME. Now's the time to get back on board. It was Monday, and I was transitioning into work mode from summer mode, and I made it to the grocery store, and I go in to work, and someone's girlfriend had baked toffee pecan brownies for everyone on the crew. Having just breakfasted on oat bran and apples and walnuts, I resisted, because "It's important."

But then on Tuesday, we wound up being kept at work from 8 a.m. until midnight, and I hadn't expected to be there past, oh 5:00. So I didn't pack the whole day's worth of food, and went to get some Pho noodle soup from a restaurant for dinner, and some sugar-free candies (to get off the sugar kick) and then in the evening I was dealing with gross fatigue and people put cookies and bagels in front of me and I kept going back and the next day I weighed more again.

Yesterday, then, was Wednesday and I stayed "on-plan" and I expect I will again today and tomorrow. Saturday I have an all-day gig at a concert venue again - I really kind of don't want to do it, but I can't really say no to the money. I can pack my food for the whole day, but it might still be hard not to get "shaky." Over the past few months my appetite and intake have increased back to their original levels, so as I go back on-plan, I realize I do feel a little light-headed and hungry. I feel this is temporary as I get back on plan, so there is that little push to stay on plan until it gets easier and not fall off every 2-3 days.

"It's important."

So I've not been dieting, not been blogging, not been weighing myself, not been keeping track. I got up to around 225. Today I'm 223 or 224 - wait - I'll go check - 223, possibly even 222.5. 222.5 would indicate progress to me - 223 is still in holding mode. :-) I've gotten a long way from my goal of getting under 200 pounds but that is still my aim. More immediately, I just want my size 16s to fit again! Though it has been nice to have full boobs again. (truth!)

Monday, August 16, 2010

gotta cut the sugar out

Hey. I haven't posted because I haven't gotten myself back on track. I mean, I do for about a week and then some kind of confusion or slackness or project gets in the way. It's been a long process of going from small allowances to getting pretty much right back where I was in the very beginning. The most recent thing to get in the way of my efforts was an impromptu road trip that wound up taking a week and was a lot of driving and rushing and sleeping in the car. Right now, I'm expecting to take several days to go camping with Dad, so it doesn't seem a good time now to get back on it either. But I'm looking at several empty boxes of Fiber One bars on my bed and knowing that the reason I binged on them was because of the sugar. Clearly I need to go back on the Glycemic Index plan and cut the sugar out of my diet in order to restore order. And next time I get to where I feel confident enough to give myself tiny little allowances, I will remember this. Sugar is my major downfall. I was balanced pretty good there for a while but the monster grew large. I've been on large amounts of it daily for a while now. I watch it happen and remember not too long ago when things were different. Yesterday I took my picture and didn't like my face - that's a big difference from my pictures where I thought it was hard to take an ugly picture of my face. And I weigh about the same now as I did then, so it could be that the bad foods are making my face puffy and lumpy in ways that they were less so before. (Just call me the queen of confusing sentence structure.)

I don't feel drastic and I'm not beating myself up, but I do feel confused when I watch myself go through the process of binging.

Diet's not the only place I'm letting things get possibly out of hand - I'm also just not even paying attention to the whole making money thing and yet I am spending. I figure this will last until the theatre season starts up again in a couple weeks. Right now I guess I'm on summer vacation.

I don't weigh myself much anymore (compared with every day before) but I think I'm at about 220-225.

So just letting you know that I keep getting delayed but I am consistently aware that things are getting to a point that I can't let it go on like this forever.

I also haven't been exercising not on much the road trip or since the road trip since I've been focused on blogging about it - and not just writing out my scribbled thoughts like I do here, but actually kind of trying to make a real blog out of it, and practice journalistic skills and layout and organized writing. Really put some effort into doing it right. I'm afraid I fell far short of that, but I hadn't planned to do it before and so I wasn't as well-prepared as I might have been. And after all that effort, it doesn't seem to be anything my friends are actually going to read anyway. My parents said they wanted more information, but my friends probably want less. Anyway, I had to rush to get it all out and done before I forgot it or lost momentum, and it took all week! Amazing!! Between that and the road trip, it's really starting seem like things are taking 7 times as long as they should!!

Now that it's done, though, hopefully I can start pushing through on some shorter tasks that need to get done. It'll feel great to make some progress.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

July 20, 215

There it is, today's weight is 215. Last time I weighed myself was 2 weeks ago at 205. Don't worry, people, someone made the comment that I must feel bad about myself. I don't feel bad about myself. There are more important things in life than losing weight with constant success! I was lucky - I lost 70-80 pounds last year and got to ride that ride, and it was a great ride! But I always knew things would slow down. One thing's for sure, I'm really dependent on meal plans. Last time I was posting here I was talking about unsubscribing from ediets but I know I can't do that right now until I make my own meal plans successfully as a way of life. When faced with open-ended eating without a plan, I get baffled, I really do.

I'm still overwhelmed with work stress, and life's kind of a drag right now. Had to get up early to go in at 4:00 and get some work done this morning on one show and the other show is breathing down my neck, too. Nevertheless, when the time came to leave this morning, I popped over to the gym for a quick swim to remind my body about exercising and my mind that it's not that hard to fit in 30 minutes of movement.

Monday, July 19, 2010

picking myself back up again

Hey. I haven't been posting because I haven't at all been on plan. I have been on no plan. I haven't even been weighing myself. I was sick and then I was busy with work and had a week-long obsession with a computer game. I'll be so happy when next week's dance show is past. I am not well-made for freelancing, it seems, at this time in my life.

But, I did have some time off today and went to the grocery store. I have been off-plan for so long now I don't really remember what on plan feels like. Again. :-) But I can tell you that off-plan (better to call it no-plan) kinda sucks a bit. I don't feel nearly as good in comparison.

I hate to think about how exercisey I was before I got sick and how different it is now. Just a couple days can changing your habits can make a real difference in how you feel, and a couple weeks begins to make it seem more normal, easier to embrace.

I feel a bit of a need to go back to being strident for a while. Start again on the same path I probably posted about last time I was here - to get to 182, wasn't it? To definitely push to under 200 pounds. Using exercise and meal planning. And go off the sweets again for a while. Three months isn't so long to push past the barrier, and then think of the benefits.

I'm working now with a director who I suppose hasn't seen me since I weighed a lot more, so he gushed a little bit about my weight loss. I don't get the reaction so much anymore and when I do, I feel a little weird since I just gained 10 pounds pigging out on candy bars! Several years ago he also began battling the bulge and lost a bunch of weight, and you can tell he struggles to keep it off because sometimes he has gained some back and no matter how much he works out or eats lettuce, he's just the pudgy body type. Anyway, he was a sympathetic soul is what I'm getting at.

And I've remembered - as I feel my side rolls pudging out into my arms a little more - what it felt like to feel my body reducing on a daily basis. Definitely strange and wonderful. It was due to determination. I can do that again.

Friday, July 2, 2010

July 2, 206

Oh, don't we all love getting sick and losing weight! I got sick and am down 2 or 3 pounds to 206. I've done a lot of sleeping and sweating. I went straight off the diet and started downing fruit juices and V8s (calories and sugars notwithstanding) and all the fruit (canned and fresh) I could scarf up. Also a bunch of chocolate bars that were on sale and some KFC but I couldn't really taste the joy in any of that because my sense of taste is off, but I ate it anyway and now I understand why - not because of my illness but because I was about to get my period. You'd think I'd learn to anticipate things like that - lol. It didn't even occur to me. There was one time I tracked my period for a year or more. It had suddenly become regular when it had never been at all regular before, so I was fascinated. Eventually I stopped keeping track, and started thinking I wasn't quite so regular anymore. Anyway, I added an iPod app for tracking your menstrual cycle and was actually startled to see that (after only one entry last month) it had guessed that I would start my period yesterday, just exactly when I did! Now you regular women out there are saying "big effing deal" but I have never considered myself to be normal, especially in terms of my sexuality. I just am always surprised that I work just exactly the way women are supposed to.

Anyway - I finally got started transcribing some menus into a menu planner for myself so I can break from ediets - it may take me a couple months and I'm not starting this week after all. I am still too sick to exercise sadly but I will make a trip to the grocery store.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

June 27, 210

Today I can't seem to make the scale show less than 210. I will have to weigh-in at 210. I am hovering. At least I'm not 217. My adherence to the diet is not strict this week. Most noticeably to my memory, there was Thursday when I worked from 9a.m. to 1 a.m. setting up for a concert - in 98-degree weather, sweating all day and laying out and pulling tons of heavy cable - and the day was catered - and I ate healthy but also had Gatorade and Klondike bars. Also Friday I was hungry at snack time and had too much bean dip and tortilla chips, then also a popsicle. And yesterday, while I had a good breakfast and lunch, in the evening I was with my Dad on an out-of-town trip and we had a sandwich from a restaurant for dinner and also a drink. Perhaps those three days in a row (despite the exercise) account for my failure to reduce this week, or at least for today (there's always the sodium-induced water-weight factor).

It is possible that for the coming month I will have more control over my time which I think will help. We'll see.

Actually - thinking about it - it's now almost July 2010. I first hit 220 last November. Ok, I did gradually get down to 201 before climbing back up to 210. But definitely the weight loss has not been what it was last summer. I wonder if I have it in me to do another "sprint." Or if I'd rather just take the turtle's route.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Jun 22, 209.5

I am preparing to quit ediets. Eradicating that $18/month charge for the ediets plan, although adding $20/month for the new internet my roommate decided to get even though we were doing just fine mooching off the neighbors' wi-fi - until their wifi went out for a few days in a row.

Anyway - I decided that I could make breakfast and lunch and snack easy enough, and then pull out a recipe for dinner that could last me 4 days or so in a row with leftovers. I still have to keep up with the meal planning, I guess, and calorie counting now becomes more important than ever. Right now I'm at 1800-1900 calories per day with the understanding that I should be exercising 5 days per week. Out of a book today I gathered that my maintenance calories should clock in at around 2600 (!!!) and that my goal weight might be around 170-175 if I stay on the high end for me to account for my muscularity.

So I used my gift card from Christmas to buy some cookbooks and now it's just a matter of making the commitment. It shouldn't be too huge a deal to quit since I can always rejoin if things get desperate.

It should be interesting to see if I can keep this up on my own :-) I really only use ediets for the meal planning and grocery list, and honestly it is a somewhat arduous process anyway and it might actually be easier for me to do it myself as long as I commit to doing it and don't get slack.

More good news is that my roommate is also dieting now. We're not doing it together - but it's just nice to know that she's on a parallel path and dealing with some of the same issues. She doesn't have a credit card so she is very focused on staying within a grocery budget and she's not following a prescribed meal plan or anything, just trying to make better choices and track her calories and stuff, so that will be a good influence on me as I make this transition.

More on the good news front - 1800-1900 calories isn't a strain anymore, and I'm not tempted to eat sweets. I *think* about Subway cookies, but then remember I am on a mission. This morning waiting for my egg substitute to solidify, I looked at the box of corn flakes and thought about eating a bowl of cereal in addition to my breakfast, but then I realized that I was just hungry and that eggs and cheese and 2 pieces of toast would stuff me let alone additional butter and fruit! And sure enough - after breakfast I was stuffed and thought about my silly cereal idea.

Now tomorrow I have to pack up food to take with me on my day. And then Thursday -well Thursday I face a real challenge because I'll be working in 95-degree heat for many many hours on end, starting at 8 a.m. and ending at midnight and there will be excellent catering. I'm not going to bother packing food to take in - I will take advantage of the catering. I did this last week (or the week before?) and the catering is healthy but my control was not great. Maybe now things will be a bit different since, as I said in the previous paragraph, my appetite and cravings may have changed. Then again, that could be merely due to some kind of digestive issues I was having today.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

June 20 weigh-in - 208

Ok, I dropped from 217 to 208 in like 4 days. That's crazy to me even for water weight. But welcome. I'm on 1800-1900 calories per day and I've been hungry! But I've been able to tolerate it. Now, I did cheat by having a slice of raspberry cheesecake when it was there one day, and last night went drinking. But I've been attentive and adherent to my eating plan otherwise. Exercise - well, one day I tried a new yoga vid but it turned out to be a set for relaxing for bed. For weight loss it was probably not so useful, but for total health it was okay - I think my body needs a little rolling. And I did one Jillian session. Today I'm not exercising because of last night's drinking. And I'm devoting my day to Dad so what he wants to do goes - but maybe I can encourage some activity.

My goal is still 192 so that's 16 pounds to lose. At 2 pounds a week maybe I can hope to get there by August 15! I'm still mostly just looking forward to weighing less than 200 pounds - I got so close ::wistful::

Okay, I can't think of anything else to say - I guess that's mostly it. Just trying to secure myself onto the wagon.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

June 17, 213

I fell off the wagon again. Work got in the way again. I know that there's no reason I shouldn't be able to maintain decent calorie intakes when I'm working, if I want to. Though it is harder in the middle of the night. But it seems I need to maintain vigilence in my attitude, because I do not naturally restrain from overeating. Sucks.

Anyway - work slowed enough for me to get on top of things again with a week of planned meals and a trip to the grocery store and getting the dishes washed so I have tupperware to pack it all in. Yesterday was Day 1. Today I already lost 4 pounds of that excess water. I have a new goal to get to 192 in 10 weeks. That might be ambitious at this weight but I think it can be done, and it's just a goal to keep me motivated, not an unbreakable law. My calorie level is upped to 1800-1900 calories per day because I am determined to incorporate more exercise. My exercises of choice are yoga, hiking, walking/running, Jillian's 30-Day Shred, the elliptical, and the recumbent bike. I did 4 days of the 30-Day Shred back in May and was actually already seeing results - but then that all stopped. This morning I want to do yoga. Before breakfast. Which I am hungry for.

I've had a lot of "fresh starts" lately so I hope that I can really commit over the summer and make some headway before the fall season brings more business.

I still have other goals and desires, too, now, that compete with the diet and exercise.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

May 22, 205

I have been a good girl since my last post, but I am disappointed not to have seen a reduction on the scale yet. I am still 205. I would be happy with 204! Oh, well. Don't worry, I'm not even close to thinking about "throwing my hands up and giving up" or nothing - it's only been a few days. And I've been barely moving all week. But yesterday I got up and pounded out 50 minutes of walking on a disc golf course, so I guess I hoped a little bit that that would show me something less than 205 today.

On the positive front, I have looked at my schedule for the coming months and work looks light. Considering I want money this is not good. But considering I want plenty of time and and even keel to focus on my weight loss, this is good. One difference, though, between this summer and last summer is that this summer there are possibly more friends to make social demands on my time. That was a burden I didn't have last summer.

God, hopefully by the end of the summer I'll get under 200 pounds. I mean, I'm tired of hoping to get under 200 pounds. Sick of it!! Lol - I know, then I should have stuck to the diet, then. hahaha :-/

Thursday, May 20, 2010

May 20, 205

Hi. It's been a while. I'm not even going to check and see how long it's been since I've even signed in to blogger. I hope everyone is having excellent success with their missions. I made it through my intense work period and am gradually (very gradually) getting back into the swing of things. I started back on the meal plan a couple days ago (this is day 3) and am doing well. I have veered from the plan but stayed in control. Feelings of withdrawal and restriction gave way to a familiar sense of moderation and satisfaction with less. Instead of going into the kitchen and grabbing up a full bowl of cereal and wildly piecing together a fast breakfast, I'm enjoying measured and sensible oatmeal and turkey bacon. When I'm caught with "my pants down" so to speak, I make considered and sensible substitutions to the meal plan. Keep meaning to return to exercise but haven't yet - too much time with my laptop is mostly responsible for that, just not clicking the little X in the top right corner. I haven't been weighing myself much over the past few weeks but I have seen weights as high as 209. After one day on the diet, water weight must have come off and now I am 205. That's really impressive, actually, not much of an increase at all, when you consider how I've been living. Now it seems I am back on plan, so that's also encouraging, that I can bring myself back when I've gone over the edge. I actually began to get worried about that. I physiologically changed inside. I forgot what eating well looked and felt like. My eating whims changed. I ate at restaurants. That could be nice sometimes, but not exclusively. I was back to the way I was before I started this plan. I can't explain it.

I went shopping last night on a whim. I was so excited about my size 16 gorgeous mini dress (I think I took a picture - I'll try to post it) that I wore to the Opera the other day, and the other dresses I tried on that had looked so good. Well last night, the clothes were crappy and they looked bad on me and I didn't feel at all good about my appearance. I really want to get into an exercise routine now, too, to improve as well as I can my flabby sack of skin!

Okay, so, what was that number again? Oh yeah, 198. Whew, still looking down at 198. Haha!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Uh - What happened?

Four weeks was going to be so easy - ha!! I thoroughly underestimated the combined power of the Extremely Intense Work Week and the Big Menses. Everything went to hell. It was as if I've never been dieting at all. It's been really hard and really intense - I really took on too much and I'm still trying to catch my body and peace of mind up. The suffering is almost over and I can start my 4-week strict adherence again soon. I think that by now, sticking to the diet might actually feel restrictive again. I'd better to learn to love it soon. I have a little time tonight to relax and I want to read and watch a Buffy episode (I'm trying to watch the series while it's free on hulu - I know so many people who love it and I never watched it.)

When I have anything to report, I'll let you know. I still want to get down to 198, but I'm definitely further from it now than I was. I also need to regain control of my appetite - it feels like I need to relearn what I knew so recently. Here's hoping I'm not overconfident about my ability to hop back on the wagon!!

Oh, by the way - my hair that fell out last year has started growing back in - it's so shaggy around my scalp I look horrible. Oh, well!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 2 was a bust, but it was beyond my control

Well, day 2 was beyond my control. I left the house at 11pm last night hoping to get home in a few hours. Instead, I wasn't able to go home at all before having to be at work all day starting at 8am this morning. I wasn't able to get home and get to my food, or even shower or sleep. I spent the whole day hiding my grody self under this shawl I had in my car. Anyway, if it hadn't been for that, I'm confident I could have stuck to it again today like I did yesterday. I probably ate too much today, but tomorrow I'm back on to finish out the 4 weeks! Ok.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

May 2, 207

You know when I started losing weight, and when I started this blog, I not only weighed myself every day, but I recorded it every day. It was so much fun losing weight then. I lost weight on a steady stream from March to about October, and then things slowed down. Whether life was getting in the way or I was intentionally slowing down, or I was as I have been the past several weeks - still dieting, but then having allowances that would interfere with weight loss progress - a restaurant meal, a few too many chocolate minis, an all-out binge. It used to be that when my roommate would have parties, I would dutifully eat my planned food no matter how weird it seemed. Friday she hosted a baby shower and I ate the chicken-cheese dip that was prepared, and then had some cake. "Why not?" And a lot of "Why not?" and "What the hell?" gets said. And it's been okay. Even though it seems to be taking me forever to bounce down to my goal of being under 200 pounds, I've already lost a lot of weight and I'm a size 16 and things are "pretty good" and, as I previously blogged, I've been satisfied. I took a beach trip for a few days and though I packed two days worth of food, I still had several traditional beach joys - tiki bar, fried captain's platter, ice cream sundae... So I haven't been as goal-minded lately.

Saturday was weigh-in day, and grocery day. I was very concientious that I had to buy groceries that day because I had a heavy week of work ahead of me and didn't have time to deal with it after. I got my laundry done and my groceries shopped for in preparation for my intense week of long hours and stress.

And at some point during the day I decided I wanted to engage in a couple of "special treats" - crepes at the Original Pancake House and also try this Ethiopian/Eritrean restaurant that I'd long been wanting to try out. And then on Sunday - today - I would begin 4 solid weeks of austere adherence to the meal plan. 4 solid weeks of "No Exceptions." No chocolate (except the sugar-free chocolate pudding or whatever might be on the meal plan), no goodies. Just the same as I was in the beginning - all my food is provided for on the meal plan, so there should be no need to cheat - if I feel an urge I can say "You don't need/want that - you're already taken care of."

It is, of course, my intention to stick to this 4-week pledge. It is also my hope that, at 1400-1500 calories per day, at the end of 4 weeks of strict adherence, I will push under 200 and reach that ever-loving goal of 198. I started today and so far, so good. I mean - obviously I started last night when I stayed up so late cooking and preparing and packing meals for the next day or few. But today I'm adhering to the eating part, and I had a pretty good test moment to help me define my devotion to this (and devotion is a very relevant word in this matter) - At work, there were Krispy Kreme doughnuts provided for the crew at break time. I LOVE KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS! And last week I would have said "Why not?" or "What power have I against this tide?" and had a couple like everyone else on the crew did. But I ignored the doughnuts and had nary a one. Pretty good for a first day. I still have to go do an untold number of hours of work so I ate most of my dinner, but left the bin of cantaloupe to eat later if I begin to feel noshy or weak.

Now, on to another topic.

To me it seems like I lost lots of weight last year and this year only a little, so slow, and not so much recently. So it's a bit perplexing to me that suddenly NOW I'm being barraged with comments and have to deal with them. "You're looking good," from people who know I've lost weight. "Skinny," from Brenda who hasn't seen me much in months. "Allright, what's your secret?" from Jerry. And then there's a lot of these which confuse me, too -> "Do you look different? Have you lost some weight?" I mean, I remember in November and December that one security guard was marveling that I was wasting away, and that made more sense to me to hear that then. But now, after having lost 80 pounds, to have some people saying "Do you look different? Have you lost a little weight?"

I've just had so many comments in the past 3 days or so that you might think I'd just dropped 40 pounds, instead of basically sitting at 205 give or take for weeks the way I have. To have a guy who's seen me pretty regularly for the past several months say to me the other day "Your diet's really working" NOW when I don't feel like I'm losing weight...

Well, it's interesting, but there's no way for me to comprehend it so I'm not going to try.

27 days and some change left to go!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

April 22, 203

So the other day I weighed in at 201 and later that day I went shopping. I had been needing some stuff - new swimsuit, new jeans, seasonal sandals... I had an extraordinary experience with the shopping. I pulled stuff off the racks in sizes XL and 16 which made me feel like I wasn't plus-sized anymore. Then I went in the dressing room and tried it on, and everything looked at least okay on me, which means, even if it didn't look good, my body underneath it was not so horrible as to make it something I couldn't wear. My body as canvas for fashion art has become more yielding, my flaws more acceptable. I bought sleeveless tops - outrageous! I bought a dress - so hot! I came home feeling like the sexiest mf in town. My arms are fat but not TOO fat. My bowlful of jelly pooch is still there but it's TOLERABLE. My legs are fat but LONG. I have something like an hourglass figure. I was so high that night, it was impossible to contain myself. It makes me think that I might be very close to being where I want to wind up! I am very okay with a few extra pounds, if I could just make my belly a LITTLE BIT SMALLER. But honestly, for right now, I think I'm very close to where I want to be. I'm still looking to get to 198, but after that, I might chill out for a while. If only to get psychologically adjusted to being this size and to even begin to think about being smaller. The next smallest size is 14 and that's just beyond imagining for me.

I am not so high anymore. Yesterday I felt poufy, excess pudge particularly from the belly. I am having problems with not planning ahead and so getting caught without a plan - I can't seem to focus on the diet anymore or care about it so much so consistently anymore. I'm also still dealing with the raminfications of last week's road trip and the revelations that remind me to be depressed. Today, after binging on Mary Janes, ice cream, and cookie dough yesterday, I'm 203, which is cool because it's less than yesterday's 204.

Monday, April 19, 2010

April 19, 201!!

Weight Tracking. Last Saturday I weighed in at 203.5, then my weight bounced up last week and hung out around 205-207. Could have been related to my period, but then when my period seemed to be over, my weight stayed high. By this past Saturday's weigh-in, I was actually able to weigh-in at 204, which was a relief after last week but still a rise from the Saturday below, which had been a bit of a low bounce.

So yesterday I weighed 203, a new low, portending the possibility of good things. I went off-plan yesterday. For breakfast I chose bran flakes with nuts and raisins and 1% milk, no measurements, but a comparatively large bowl of cereal (compared with servings over the past year, not my normal idea of a bowl of cereal) and didn't have any protein with it as the meal plan would have had me do. Then I had a meal plan lunch - balsamic chicken with onions and rice and sauteed vegetables, but I also had half a Milky Way Dark. Then I had two puddings for snack, and then 1/2 a peanut butter and raisin sandwich to address my cravings (I was going to have a whole one but when I spooned out the peanut butter for just one piece of bread I decided to see if that would be enough to tide me and put the other piece of bread back in the bag. When done eating, I never even thought about that other half.) Altogether, 1/2 a Milky Way dark, 2 puddings, a bunch of Triscuits, and half a peanut butter and raisin sandwich seems to be too many calories for one snack. But then I didn't exactly have dinner, except for 3 Cadbury Creme Eggs.

So yesterday was sort of haphazard, eating-wise; not exactly a day to be proud of but not exactly bad either. Exercise was just the normal bending, lifting, and walking at work. My emotion and energy was very low, it was day 2 of a depression brought on by Friday's daytrip.

So today imagine my delight to stand on the scale and get readings all over the map from 201.5(!) to 200 (!!!!!!!!). I'm too scared - cautious - humble - to allow 200 yet. I will claim 201 knowing that's still a terrifying reduction from yesterday, from Saturday, and from last week.

I just signed in to report the news to and was reminded that I am past due to hit my goal, again. I had originally budgeted to hit 198 by March 28, then when I missed that I changed my goal date to April 15. So - I'm still not there yet but I'm still progressing that way! Bouncy bouncy. In the chart below, you can see the rate of weight loss has slowed - my dark blue line used to run along with my weight at the beginning, but over time, I've pushed the dark blue line of my "weight goal" out further and further.