Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Oct 27, 219.5

Wow, I have waited all morning to get under 220, but it happened. Yay. 219.5, I guess. I am impatient for more results.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Oct 226, 220: Art and Creativity

Ok, well, I am almost back to that new decade. ***sigh*** All part of the weight loss roller coaster? Not gonna analyze it. I want to get back below 220! I was happy to be there, I felt successful!

I've had a couple days off now. It's been great fitting more in between my Kingdoms of Camelot playing. Sleeping. Lounging. Plenty of time to get around to exercise. Housecleaning. Northern Exposure. Attending to my food preparation. Mindfulness. And kind of most exciting of all for me right now - I'm doing art work. I bought a package of acrylic paints on a whim, because I am loaded with cash. I can be a really good drawer, but I want to do something with splashes of color, I'm a big fan of color. But I'm not skilled with paint. So I'm just practicing. Playing. And this morning I drew a template and cut it out to create the pattern for my next painting, and it took me back to childhood. I know all kids have little art classes when they are growing up where they do crafts, but for me it's kind of Times 2 because my Mom was the art teacher, my Mom is an artist, and she would come up with crafts and art projects for us sometimes when we were kids, not to mention we were always in her art classes. I have to credit her with teaching me how to see things artistically when I was young. Flashback to an earlier time of greater mindfulness, a time before internet, frankly. It's really special to be alone with my own mind working creatively. I tend to be really good at seeing something that someone else created and knowing how it needs to be improved - I'm not sure if that's a skill I should be at all proud of. In fact, one way of looking at it is that it's annoying. I come from a background in which creativity as well as intellectualism are valued. Yet my job, while being somewhat artistic, is not fully creative. I take something that's already partially made and then I draw it together with my lighting. It's typical of me and my skills - to see what's already been done, and make it better in just the right way. When I was young, I could write stories. I created them out of nothing and without self-consciousness. There was like a spark. But now, as an internet junkie, true creativity has fallen by the wayside.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oct 25, 221.5

I was on plan yesterday and though I wasn't active during the day (pretty much stayed on the sofa) I did go for a good walk and included a bit of a jog so that was something. However the scale is giving me a disappointing reading. So I'll wait for better satisfaction tomorrow. Right now I'm going to get rubbed down for 50 minutes. I've never done this before and I'm getting kinda nervous.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Chocolate ban interrupted

Ok, well, what did it take to have my personal ban on chocolate interrupted after 2 weeks? Could have been a menstrual thing, or could have been that I had to go in to work at 3:00 a.m. this morning after only 2 hours of sleep - but I think mostly it was because the cookies were delivered to me out of the blue by someone I very much want to have doing sweet little thoughtful things for me. They were 4 little gourmet cookies, they had chocolate in them. The first one tasted good but hit me like a rock. An hour later, the next three were much easier to stomach all at once. And 2 to 3 hours after that, I decided to have a KK doughnut and two iced sugar cookies, and let me tell you, I worked really hard to force that last frosted sugar cookie into my now-normalized blood-sugar level. My tummy was saying "No! No!" and my will was saying "Yes, Yes!!!" Go figure. Getting your body clock out of whack on the day you start your period especially after an excellent scale reading can very likely cause a backslide. I won't even call it a backslide, more like a blip. Today I weighed 221, back up from my wonderful 219.5. In fact, I didn't stand on the scale very much because I didn't want to see the number go higher. Whatever I weigh today is just a blip on the road. I have predicted all along that there would be blips (hello holiday season!)

As an aside, I'll have you know that (before I broke my chocolate ban) I went to a play yesterday where they distributed little bites of brownie during the performance. A platter of my favorite concoction of edible ingredients was placed under my nose. Would it have killed me to take one? No, except that it would have broken the ban on the chocolate, and just been more of an open door to cheating. So, at that time, I resisted - annoyed by the Satanic temptation placed before me.

Twelve hours later circumstances were different.

4 more weeks on the no chocolate thing.

Also, this weekend, I'm going on a road trip to D.C. with my Dad - the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert Rally to Restore Sanity. Should be fun to hang out with thousands of like-minded people, plus a trip to D.C. in the bargain. But as for what to eat - clearly I have no idea - what food will be available - where I'll be and when I'll eat. I can try to be a good girl. That always works out well - ha.

Friday, October 22, 2010

A new decade!

Oo, la la! The scale seems pretty well settled under 220 today. 219.5 I'm claiming officially. Just yesterday I was thinking how boring and frustrating it was starting to feel, losing weight I already lost months ago. But this "passing the long line" of 220 and into a new decade feels very refreshing! And exciting as well, I could now, at 2 pounds per week, see 199 by New Year's Eve. It's still a long way from 180, or feels like it. So impatient am I.

I was also thinking yesterday about how strange it is - three weeks ago I was pounding down candy bars daily - like around 3 or so per day. Don't get me wrong - it was nice! But what's strange is that it was hard to imagine NOT doing it. And yet to remember that not too long ago it was hard to imagine eating that much chocolate/sugar/candy all at once.

Yesterday was a crummy day for me. Hormones took over me and made me very very moody. Very sad for the things I do not have, can never have, and will probably never have. That sadness and desperation is always there, but yesterday it took me over. While it was kind of nice to feel sorry for myself, hopefully today will be a bit more up. (I actually considered the possibility that my loss on the scale was due to all the weight I lost in TEARS and all the calories I burned WRITHING IN DESPAIR.)

I also had a Midori Sour last night. Not on the plan, but I did stop at one. Just really felt like the right night for it.

Last night I put on my size 16 dress. It stretched over my curves like a wetsuit, revealing everything. I kinda wanted to wear it tonight. I'm really in the mood to get out and buy a new outfit, something that makes me look hot. I just don't know if that's possible with this belly. ARGH! Plus I shouldn't be spending money. I just paid off my credit card (which had begun to carry a balance over the summer) but I owe my savings $1000 and I don't think I'm getting another check for a *while.*

Anyway, I'd better hurry, to get up, make breakfast, get primped and dressed and out the door, go to the farmer's market, buy hottie clothes, and go to my show's preview tonight.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Oct 21 - baffling scale

Well, I just had a very strange time on the scale. Every time I stood on the scale I weighed less. I started at around 222.5-223, and wound up down around 219-220, getting frighteningly close to 218, but never making it. The last time I stood on the scale it was around 220, I think. In fact, the more I stood on the scale the more it seemed to adjust to the lower range. I think I kept trying because I thought that the higher readings would be more appropriate, but I don't know where they went. I guess I will happily report 220 to fitday and sparkpeople and accept that it might just be a blip on the charts, though, gosh golly, I hope it's a real sign of movement!

Yesterday I stayed on my meal plan but wondered if I was over-estimating my portion sizes, chewed lots of gum, had 3 sugarless hard candies, drank my 2 glasses of water and the rest diet soda - but not as many diet sodas yesterday as in recent days, not as much beverage overall. Biked 30 minutes but burned fewer calories because I was reading a magazine. Breakfast was cheese-tomato-avocado on toast with strawberries and coffee with soy milk; snack was a little tomato sauce and cheese on 1/2 a sandwich round, broiled as a pizza; lunch was a tuna-salad-stuffed tomato with macadamia nuts and yogurt; snack was cantaloupe and my last 2 soy hotdogs; and dinner was chicken, spinach, onions, and mushrooms with brown rice with an apple.

I'm going to try a sparkpeople meal plan and see how that goes for next week.

I'm still waiting for my midsection to behave!


So I just went over to sparkpeople. They want me to eat between 1420 and 1750 calories per day, but they gave me a meal plan that was only 1250 calories? Screw it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Oct 20, 2010 - 224

Ok, I can't wait any longer, apparently my weight is 224 today. One blip in one day is no cause for freaking out, I guess :-/ I have decided it's due to one of two possibilities - (1) no bm this morning, or (2) my recumbent bike session of 2 days ago is building up loads of thigh muscle!!! Or some menstrual thing, I don't know.

It's a chilly and rainy morning and feels very nice. I love waking up naturally in the morning after a full night's sleep (8 hours for me.) My work is finally starting to let up a little. I'm spending far too much time craving things that I can't afford - travel, new clothes, new lingerie, new homes, and health insurance. I still don't seem to have a ton of *energy* - I feel loungy and lazy, especially in cold weather, I don't want to move! But I'm going to go do that biking again, and this time take my book, which I haven't cracked in probably over a week.

It's 9:38 but it feels like 8 a.m. I wish it were 8 a.m. so I could luxuriate the morning away. But nooooooo, I have to charge the day. Well, I will charge her gently.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

no budge - 223

I am holding steady at 223, I guess. Yesterday I did get on the recumbent bike and felt relatively out of shape :-) I haven't been cardiovascularly involved since about 6 or 8 weeks ago when I did spend a week going to the gym most days, but I included some running on the treadmill, hoping to build up to being a runner again, and then my feet got a bit hobbled, as they do sometimes. And I got all wrapped up in my laptop again.

Spent I suppose too much time on my laptop this morning, trying to find the most affordable way to see the Northern Lights. It might be Reykjavik, so far.

Yesterday I did stay on plan but added, oh, 4-6 ounces of champagne after rehearsal with the cast.

Well, maybe in a couple days I'll drop down a couple pounds all at once. There's nothing for me to do but keep on plan. I am eager to see the other side of 220.

So off I go into the day.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The honeymoon's over, but I'm still pushing.

Today I can report a weight of 222.5, I guess. A slight loss. Still, and we knew it was coming, the honeymoon's over - the first week's great weight has come off, and yet I still feel like it's an effort and still have far to go and my jeans are still tight on me! It's been a rough week, and sadly there's still more to go.

I'm putting more effort right now into manageable daily to-do lists, but am having a hard time sorting out long-term goals at the mo. Right now I'm going to exercise before I even do my to-do list, because I do the to-do list over brekky and I want to exercise before brekky. Just a few minutes on the recumbent bike over there.

I feel I could break at any time, but I also feel that the "no chocolate for 6 weeks" thing is really helping me to not cheat. I look at a platter of candy that's been laid out for snacks at work - everything is either chocolate or something fruity. I like all candy, but the only stuff I'm tempted to cheat with is the chocolate. If I could have the chocolate, I might grab chocolate and/or Laffy Taffy or Skittles, but when I remember I can't have chocolate, I just shrug and pass on the whole thing.

And I wonder why it is such a weakness. Why do I think I should crave the "chocolate"-flavored coffee more than the "blueberry cobbler"-flavored or the cinnamon hazelnut - both are terrific flavors? Anyway, I'm not so stringent on this anti-coffee thing that I said no to the Chocolate-flavored coffee. But the others I really do like just as much and might like others as well.

I did, however, have a cookie yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it, so I at around the chocolate chips. A significant amount of the remainder of cookie consisted of a pecan half. The rest just tasted magnificent.

Well, I'm going to try to continue to post a blog every morning again and report in, even if it's just as boring (or more so) as this one, just as an incentive to be a good girl.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

First week, 6 pounds down, 24 to go.

Ok, week 1 complete, and I'm weighing 223.

It probably wasn't until well into my twenties that I started to see how men see the world, how they check out women's bodies. Now I do it. Downtown there's always some eye-catching women walking around, and when I spot one, I look around at all the men. It's amazing, men who are alone or with other men look brazenly - men who are with women don't look at all. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, or friend groups - men who are with women actually look like they didn't even see this hottie at all. Two nights ago there was a very striking, very skinny woman with long skinny legs sticking out from under some hyper-short spandex shorts and dropping into these tall powerful heeled shoes. Plus she was just standing on the street corner, on the phone I think, as if waiting for someone - and everyone was staring at her. In front of me was a couple in their 50s or 60s I'd say, man and woman, just left the Symphony. The man seemed to take no notice at all but the woman would not stop staring at this skinny-legged woman. I kinda felt sorry for the chick, she looked so exposed, but she didn't seem to mind so I guess she likes being stared at by everyone around, or doesn't mind.

Anyway the point is, last night, young ladies clubbing downtown, so many tight jeans and great figures. I thought about how well everyone's jeans fit and wondered about my belly - if it would ever amount to anything without surgery. I still think I want to know what it's like to be skinny, just once at least, during this life. Preferrably while I'm still pre-menopausal. Maybe even while I'm still in my 30s. But if I'm just gonna be droopy skin, it'll still be neat but not AS neat.

There was a group of people invited on the stage at last night's Opera opening before the show last night. All in formal wear. I was onstage checking the lights with my friend. All at once he stopped and said, "There's a proposal going on." So I turned and looked and saw a man on bended knee on the stage surrounded by all these people in formal dress, saying words like "I love you so much, will you be by my side forever." He was being very romantic, and the woman was moved to tears, and she seemed to accept. She was a heavy woman; a lovely woman, but definitely obese. I take note of the size of women who can find love in their life from men. He must have been a bundle of nerves but it all happened very fast and then we applauded them and congratulated them. I've never had a boyfriend. The guy I was with, I don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend but he hasn't had one for as long as I've known him which is nearly 10 years. He has no body issues, though, unless you count baldness, which has happened to him over the last 5-7 years. I don't think he wants a girlfriend though. His girlfriend is the thousands of girls who go to the clubs on display for him who don't even know he exists.

I felt almost as lucky to see that proposal as I felt to have seen a huge fireball high in the sky the other morning.

Anyway - on with my day. I have new meals for this week - hurrah. I'm excited to try Swiss chard for the first time in a Swiss chard and bean soup, which also has soy hot dogs in it, which I'll also be having for the first time. Sounds delish. :-) Also hydrating. I felt good to drink 2 full glasses of actual water yesterday. I will keep it on my to-do list for today. Which I will be making shortly. :-)

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Oct 16 - 222, tentatively

It's a bit jumping the gun maybe to register today's weight as 222, since last night's bout of sleep was really more like a nap and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I am up to go to the theatre now, and I will have to stay up a long time today, but I might manage a bit more sleep.

I was looking at my weight graph and thinking that it should look kinda remarkable after this 7 pounds loss, I should look like I'm getting somewhere - but it doesn't look like that. This one week of weight loss is but a blip on the graph of the past 18 months. Then all at once I noticed my goal weight line, extending out beyond where I am now, and moving down down down. It made me think that, rather than being about how far I've come, it should be about how far I have to go. This won't be over any time soon, so I might as well pull away from the graph. I don't know, it made sense in my head. :-)

I was a naughty girl yesterday and stayed awake but forgot to go to the grocery store, which I meant to do. So - if I hope to have food for tomorrow, I need to go to the grocery store. Which - I don't know when the hell that's going to happen between work and sleep.

*If* it doesn't happen, I will just try to "eat healthy" tomorrow.

All that said - this morning I saw a fireball in the sky. Larger than a shooting star, it crackled with golden sparks, didn't travel very far, seemed to stop even, and disappeared. I found where others saw it too, over a hundred miles from here. So cool. :-)

Friday, October 15, 2010

Oct 15 - 223

Hm, I think I must have got off-track of the date of late. So today, no weight loss from yesterday. I am understanding. I'm going to concentrate on getting in some straight-up water today - I'm thinking water might have been the reason I lost control with some sugar-free jelly beans. Yesterday I began to feel confusion again about when to eat - it wound up being ok - it has to do with what I'm trying to do sleep-wise, but these days I'm finding my body won't let me stay awake too long - it starts to aggravate my spine, and muscles in a way it never did a year ago - trying to find a word for it, Dad said "jittery" and that's kinda right. Not that the muscles are jumping, but they are in a constant and increasing state of wanting to. I don't know if it's old age or if it's even the early symptoms of disease.

Anyway - I wound up getting more sleep last night than I'd wanted because my alarm was on vibrate. So I don't have as many hours of quiet contemplation at the theatre as I would have liked. Still - I'm not going to freak out. It's going to be a good day.

Another thing is that I started obsessing about moving out again. Just now I find evidence in the kitchen that my roommate's bf is back from NY and still here. Unless she's decided to go on Atkins, which seems unlikely since she doesn't like meat. So how long is he staying? Indefinitely? Anyway - I WANT MY CAT! And I found this cute apartment in a great location - right smack downtown. I didn't ever know I wanted to live downtown, but we have a tiny closed-off little historic district bursting with charm. I figure I could live there for a year - it's beyond my budget, so I started to see what other kinds of places I could get at $650 per month, too.

But this ill-timed obsession interfered with my productivity.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Oct 13 - 223

I would have been disappointed not to have a loss today, but I would have understood. But ok, I got another pound off today, weighing in at 223. That's 6 pounds down since Sunday. The cool thing about that is that, now, at a rate of 2 pounds per week (too optimistic?) I can hope to get right at 200 by year's end, and *if* I pushed or were lucky, could see the other side of 200 by year's end.

I had to walk past ANOTHER plate of brownies yesterday. No chocolate until Nov 21. Oy. How about one of Subway's wonderful oatmeal raisin cookies on Sunday or something? Eh, better not put that much sugar in me so soon, I think.

My jeans were feeling very very tight and uncomfortable around my midsection yesterday. The 16s with just the barest touch of stretchiness.

Oooo, a sexy crack of thunder at 7 a.m.! How exotic!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

huge waist

You know, I was feeling pretty good about my weight loss this morning, but then today I was weighing in and decided to get my measurements so I could see how they'd changed and see how they will change as I continue to lose weight again. Man. Well, for one thing, and maybe it's just the bra I'm wearing, but it's the first time ever that my chest measured as smaller than my waist. I HATE THAT! Besides, before I even took the measurement I looked at myself in the mirror and thought - "Whoa. That doesn't look at all right." My goodness, my shape. And I'm pretty sure that my waist is not happy with the waistband of these jeans. Oh, well, I can look forward to that changing soon and that will feel good.

Oct 13, 224 yay :-)

Ah, the first week of a diet, when the weight just seems to melt away. After 3 days, I'm down 5 pounds from where I started. But still only back to where I was a couple weeks ago when I hit 225 and thought "Darn, I'm getting too fat again!"

No struggles or hunger still - though I will say my roommate left the brownies uncovered last night so this morning as I prepared my food for the day I could smell them too. My mantras took full force - it would be so easy to have *just one* if I hadn't vowed to stay the course completely - for at least 6 weeks, hopefully long enough to have some changes ingrained into me again. As Stephen wrote at today - "The behavior of eating temptations is not good. It leads to giving in to every temptation I run into, and THAT will destroy my weigh-in."

So I'm eating way more cottage cheese this week than I realized when I planned my meal plan for this week. Breakfast this morning was a cup of cottage cheese and a WHOLE BUNCH of fruit - cantaloupe and berries. And 6 macadamia nuts. Honestly, I worried it wouldn't satisfy me. But I only have to last until snack, which will last me until lunch. And trust the meal plan. I haven't felt hunger before, why should I now? That cantaloupe was SO good.

Anyway - weigh-in should be a good one at the end of this week. I *think* my jeans feel less tight - around my waist in particular, more than around my legs, which is really the ideal way for it to happen. That's really important - to fit into my jeans again.

So - today while I'm sitting around doing nothing at work - I need to create a new meal plan and grocery list for next week, and also really put forth some thought into some fitness goals. Core muscles, thighs, and arms, and also butt. Just a few simple exercises like crunches and sit ups and knee lifts and lunges and squats and leg lifts and bicep curls, several times a week should do it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oct 12 - 226

Gotta make this quick and head out to work. Only 226 today. **pout** Just kidding. I might have hoped for another 2-pound loss instead of just 1 today, but 1 pound in one day is fine, even after only 2 days. I'm still on board, still motivated and using my mental mantras to ignore abrupt urges to reach out and grab something I shouldn't. Also thinking about having to report to this blog has motivated me, too. I can't fall away this time. Only 5 weeks and 5 days until I can have chocolate again! but who's counting? Seriously, I haven't really missed it yet. The hardest part right now is packing up the food, which I have to go do now.

Oh, hey, did I mention my roommate made a pan of brownies my first day on the diet? HAHAHAHA! To make it worse - she isn't one of those people who eats half the pan in one day, she can't tolerate more than a little bit at a time, poor thing, and her boyfriend is on Atkins but I think he had a bite-sized piece. Slowly slowly they are disappearing from their CLEAR GLASS PAN covered in PLASTIC WRAP on the KITCHEN COUNTER - totally visible, under my nose while I prepare my meals - they're about half gone now.

Vinegar shows up a lot. Balsamic vinegar on my tomatoes, red wine vinegar and olive oil on salads, lite red wine vinegar salad dressing... I figured the acidity did something to moderate appetite, especially maybe in conjunction with the fatty olive oil. But I looked it up and apparently it has been suggested that vinegar is good for your blood sugar level. So apparently it's not an accident. When I transition from the Low Glycemic plan, a lot of times it doesn't specify vinegar on your salads but just instructs for a tablespoon or so of any lite salad dressing, so I got myself some light Thousand Island. Frequently I would think I should use the vinegar, but it was a hard decision to make because I sort of gravitate to the Thousand Island. But I felt pretty sure that the Thousand Island wasn't bringing about the same feeling of goodness/satiety that I felt from using the vinegar.

So, yeah - vinegar.

In fear that my size 18s were being worn too many days in a row, I pulled out some clean 16s. These 16s are longs and they have a little elasticity in them. Right now the waistband is sort of digging into my guts a little bit. But these jeans are always tight just after they're washed, and they get real loose after a little wearing. I went for a walk yesterday and felt the tightness of my jeans pulling across my legs as I walked - the size 18s. That was more motivation. I've gotten bigger, need to get smaller.

Two days down, three pounds down, and still seeing indentations from my socks in the puffiness of my legs.

I have to be awake for a long time today. Breakfast at 3:00 a.m., not going to sleep until nearly midnight, probably - unless something can be worked out...

Have a happy!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Update after one day, continuing personal motivation

First day under my belt with no problems. I almost didn't even eat everything, but then I did. I'm sure the first day was a little easy because I'm not starving yet, I'm still holding on to extra calories from recent days. We'll see if I get at all light-headed in the coming days.

Once or twice I considered "cheating" but I didn't because I had all my food for the day with me and even a schedule of when to eat it. I'm trying to stick to the schedule because I took it very seriously when I first started, back when I was just following ediets prescription to the letter. Breakfast upon rising, snack after 5 hours, Lunch after 2 hours, snack after 5 hours, dinner after 2 hours, right before bed. That's the glycemic plan - the schedule is intended to keep your blood sugar level, without spikes or valleys. Sometimes I might feel like the snack isn't enough after 5 hours, but then I'd remember it's only supposed to tide me over a couple of hours.

I have wasted my 1st two hours of today in bed. (I'm currently waking up around 11 pm and going to sleep around 5pm. I had hoped to get a couple more hours of sleep.) Now I need to get up, wash dishes, and prep food for today as well. Doesn't have to be as much, though, because I am free to come home whenever I want today YAY! Concerned about exercise, I think I will go get on the exercise bike even though it will lose me precious night time - just to make sure I DO exercise today. It would be better to wait until day and then go to the gym, though - it's just a question of whether I trust myself to do that.

Being on this schedule is great except for 2 things - (1) no nightlife, if you can go without it, and (2) an excess of darkness combined with a lack of interpersonal contact can play havoc with my feelings. But I've always liked the sparse population and the quiet of the dead of night and the very early morning ie pre-dawn.

And now my weight loss results after my first day - scale reads 227 - 2 pounds down. Hope those jeans fit better today! I could *almost* hope to get under 200 by New Year, *almost*.

Motivational blurbs time -

want to fit back into those size 16s

want to lose this belly

want to be pretty, dress pretty

It's attainable now, if I stick to it.

Need to go ahead and schedule my meal planning for next week so I don't let it slip by - that has derailed me several times this summer.

"I don't eat that crap." "I'm allergic to chocolate and refined sugars." It's important." "I have all the food I need in my meal plan. It's already taken care of."

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10/10/10 229

I've still been gaining weight, watching myself baffled at the way I eat when I let myself go for too long. I was never supposed to be gone this long! I go to the grocery store for my weekly meal plan, then somewhere during the week my plans get interrupted and I think "Well, we'll make a little exception," or I get confused or behind or have to run out the door unexpectedly with no time to prepare food and well, we'll make a little exception. Lately, though, I am feeling very uncomfortable in my size 18s. I am pouring over the top of them, too, and all my clothes that I bought when I was size 16 are now too small.

So, here we go again. A stocked fridge, a simple meal plan. A full week of work ahead of me.

Rededicating. "It's important." I want to be under 200 by the end of the year, wouldn't that be something? At a rate of 2 pounds per week straight, I could come close, but wouldn't make it. And I would rather be the tortoise and win the race than the hare and lose it - it's all about long-term.

I would like to be on the fall plan and be eating squashes and sweet potatoes, but I went on the glycemic plan because what I think is my blood sugar issue is out of control just like it was when I started. I want to feel myself get back in control. I told my Dad - a real person in real life - that I'm quitting chocolate again for 6 weeks. So there ya go. (Yikes!) But seriously - no big deal. "I don't eat that crap." Halloween candy was never my favorite anyway. It's Easter candy season that tempts me!

When I started the first time, I set a goal of losing "any amount of weight" but set a long-term goal of 220, didn't I, a loss of 65 pounds. I have three long-term goal numbers in mind - 199, 192, and 180.

"I don't need to eat anything that isn't on the plan - my meal plan has me covered."

What I'm remembering is that - in the first week or two - I was hungry. Most of the time I was fine, but the first two weeks - maybe more - I felt withdrawal. Waiting 5 hours to eat a small snack, then two more before my meal seemed like it would be hard. But I did it, because I was that obsessed, that desperate, for real results. I shoved almost everything else out of my mind and out of my life and was a dieter.

Apparently I got rid of any size 20 jeans and I'd rather not spend money on jeans any larger. So unless I'm going to start wearing sweatpants, things are getting kinda desperate right now.

I think the past several entries have been me rededicating. I apologize to readers, because I know that's not inspiring and it's kinda sad and pathetic-seeming to readers.

Hopefully next week I'll pop back in and be able to proclaim proudly that I've stuck to it for the whole week. And there should definitely be some water-weight results to make me feel a little better and keep me dedicated.