Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Today I weighed 249.5 - 1 pound over yesterday. A disappointment, but really not a huge surprise since 248.5 was such an unexpected and large drop. As far as I'm concerned, it just foretells that I'll be 248.5 soon. According to schedule, I should get to 248.5 by Saturday's weigh-in for real, yo. I keep hoping I'll jump down oh say 3 pounds instead of just 2 sometimes, but I am NOT (really) complaining.

It just amazes me, though to think how sweets and chocolate used to be a daily thing, a requirement. Even after the chocolate fast, when a cheat day would come around at the beginning of this diet, when a cheat day would roll around I binged on chocolate like it was going out of style. Now I'd been thinking all week about having a cheat day tomorrow, first in a week and a half, but here it is Tuesday and I don't really care that much about it. I was going to go get half-price martinis at a local bar, but I'm not into it now. Instead, maybe I'll wait until Friday or something. A friend wants to get Indian food with me.

How many weeks have I been on this things anyway? I'm in my 14th week.

And it's time for snack.

Monday, June 29, 2009

June 29, 248.5

Today's weight - 248.5! Yesterday at 250 I complained that losing 35 pounds and getting down to 250 didn't seem like much. Maybe that comes from being in the 250s for so long. Now I'm in the 240s, the freaking 240s, and have lost 36.5 pounds, well, that's real progress! :-D

You're probably killing yourself wondering how well I did at my resolutions for yesterday. Answer - miserably. Computer all day. No exercise. I waited so late to eat, I wound up falling asleep before getting to dinner. Today's going to be better. No, REALLY! Just as soon as I finish this blog. I already did yoga this morning and had a timely breakfast. I need to yoga again in two days to further my progress. I can tell you this morning I noticed a sure improvement in my ability to lower myself down in a push-up stance (triceps) and I could really feel my shoulders strengthening and I could notice increased flexibility from my torso - there has been noticeable improvement. I just find it hard to get into the second section. By then it's already been 20 minutes, and though I want to do the triangle poses for stretching and strengthening legs and torso, it's a major commitment to get through another several minutes of intensity. I have done it, but often by then it's a time commitment thing. Which is an improvement from when it was a "I'm so faint I can't stand anymore" thing.

This is yesterday's lunch - chicken curry with basmati rice. It was like 10pm when I made it and I was so hungry. Look, would you, at the rice serving compared with the entree serving. You know how when you go to an Indian restaurant, you dip out a healthy bed of rice to mix the curry with. My rice bed would be smothered by that gigantic heaping of curried chicken and vegetables. It doesn't seem right. And of course, at the Indian restaurant you must also have Nan bread. Sometimes portion sizes on this meal plan just don't make sense. The amount of stuff they want me to stuff into a tiny piece of pita bread or a 6" tortilla is laughable.

Oh, just for whatever, here's me from a few days ago with the lavendar blouse that didn't use to fit.

Yes my walls are white. BIG DEAL!
I've been rereading old diaries trying to track what my weight's done. I used to have a much better handle on it than I have lately. I think I never weighed myself at all for the year I lived with Mary, and hardly since I've lived here because I pretty much have to keep my scale in the middle of my tiny bathroom floor. But I was reading how I was trying to stay below 240 in 2003, and then getting back up into the 240s by the end of 2003. I guess I'm just starting to look impatiently at myself, wondering when I start to really look better. The truth is, I look loads better than I did at 285. I just forget that I look like that - even when I was 285 I forgot what I looked like, which is why every time I'd see myself, it was a shock and misery to remember, but all along I thought I looked then more like I look now. And now I want to look thinner.
But I read a cool blog this a.m. - unfortunately I didn't click "follow" and I've lost it - about how people who've lost weight (or maybe women?) are disappointed that it doesn't meet their expectations (and are also more body conscious than others and terrified about gaining back weight.) So here's to accepting the good and not getting caught up in unrealistic expectations.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

June 28, 250

Today I'm 250. 35 pounds lost. It feels like it took as long to get from 30 to 35 as it did to get from 0 to 30, but it definitely didn't so I don't know what's wrong with me. Still on track to hit 220 in October.

Yesterday I was slack about the plan. I improvised. I probably wound up eating fewer calories than I would have, but the point is I don't need to be getting slack.

My problem was the internet, and that's why I'm putting the computer away today after blogging. It's stealing my life. I stayed on the computer so long I was late going to the gym. I finished the gym, but by the time I got back from an hour of weightlifting, my friend was already waiting for me to take me to the movie. I didn't have time to make oat bran cereal. So I grabbed up a piece of rye bread, bluberries and strawberries and almonds as a makeshift breakfast. It was 4:00pm, by the way.

It was so late by the time I got around the eating again, and I was so hungry, that I just skipped snack and prepared lunch.

Then it was so late again and I was so sleepy, that I had second snack (minus the dressing) and only made the fish for dinner, not the rice, and I didn't have any zucchini left so I just didn't have the vegetable or the fruit, just the fish - which I left in the oven too long, burning the tomatoes.

I don't feel like I'm going to go off and binge or anything, but I worry about signs that I'm getting slack before I get to 220, and the computer is to blame. I did plan my meals for the week last night but didn't make it to the grocery store, so I don't even think I have the foods I need for breakfast. See what I mean?

So today I'm putting my computer under the bed and focusing on real, corporeal life, WHICH I LIKE BETTER ANYWAY!!

Staying on track... Hallie

I've been tagged. And now so have you! Mwahahah!

Okay, I was tagged by Stephen , much to my surprise, and since I find interview questions to be mind-numbingly lovely...

What is your current obsession?
Facebook, Blogger, and losing weight. At Facebook - conquering the world on World Domination: Total War, and my restaurant on Restaurant City. It's a meaningful life I lead.

What are you wearing today?
Black t-shirt and jeans

What’s for dinner?
I can't remember!

What’s the last thing you bought?
gas. Does that count for an answer?

What are you listening to right now?
My burbling fish tank that is half-empty and needs to be filled.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

Which language do you want to learn?
Spanish is the ONLY language I never wanted to learn. Ironic. In later years I've reduced my expectations. I'd really like to get fluent in French, intermediate in Italian, and have more knowledge of Japanese. Also, modern Greek and German.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
It's conveniently located and the surroundings are attractive. Also, I get two rooms for myself.

What is your favourite colour?
A deep teal greenish blue has been winning out for me lately.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
There's this black blouse I got at Torrid that does wonders for me.

Describe the last dream you can remember?
I can't remember. I don't remember my dreams often anymore, and when I do, it's only for a few moments after I wake up and then I forget them. I hate that. Dreams are wonderful.

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
Probably rent. Or maybe the busted shock on my car. Or maybe put it toward a wonderful trip somewhere like Italy or Scotland.

What are you going to do after this?
Have food, go grocery shopping, and take care of my fish tank

What are your favourite films?
Heavenly Creatures, Amadeus, The Color Purple, Little Miss Sunshine, Monty Python's Life of Brian

List at least 3 things you want to do before you die.
Travel the world, own a cat, be loved.

What makes you follow a blog?
People that have the same interest and goals as me. - pretty much same answer here

Do you like to comment on blogs or just lurk?
I try to comment because I know people want feedback. But I also don't want to overdo it.

What’s one thing you dream of doing?
Sometimes I dream of biking or walking across a major chunk of land - like a whole country or continent.

What is your biggest regret?
I never dated or had a boyfriend.

If you had one day left to live, what kind of buffet would you go to?
Naturally I'd go to a buffet with only one day left to live LOL! I have to say Indian Food.

If you could spend a romantic night with any celebrity without any repercussions, who would you spend that wonderful night with?
James Spader, just to pick someone.

What was your happiest day?
There have been many happy days of course but I don't know what has been my happiest.

What is your favourite book?
Oh, I don't know. I like some books. I used to answer this Les Miserables, or Lord of the Rings. But I feel more vague and generalistic about it now.

Who is your favorite NASCAR driver (if your a fan, answer; if your not, leave blank):
I live in NASCAR country, I actually work in the shadow of the new NASCAR Hall of Fame whose construction has been a bane to my existence, but I do not follow NASCAR nor know any of their drivers.

What are you good at? What do you wish you were better at doing?
I'm one of the best at lighting design for theatre and dance. Thank you. I'm also great at spelling and math. I wish I were better at reading, keeping up with the news, and growing plants, among other things.

I had to add a question of my own and tag more people, but I only have three readers and one of them is Stephen. Therefore, I tag Leah and Jo. And anyone else who wants to do it, please do, and leave the link in my comments. And don't forget to add a question of your own when you forward it.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

This Week's Meal Plan

I just forced myself to do this week's damn meal plan. Never fun, the process is not particularly streamlined at ediets, and I don't know much about computer programming, but considering how long ediets has been around, they should really have something better.

Budget has become an issue. I spend more on food now than I did before I started the diet, I think. The first week, the grocery charge may have been over $200. As I've become more stocked in the staples, there's been a reduction and it's usually around $130 (including possibly a 4-pack of energy drink and laundry detergent or whatever). Last week it was $100. There's a lot of produce, I'm pretty keen on the fresh fruit. Also meat and dairy. I usually try to buy organic because I'm liberal and have liberal guilt - or at least I try to live by my ideals. I try to incorporate repetition so I don't buy more food that goes bad by the end of the week.

The stuff in red text is a meal I haven't had yet. The bold is a favorite. I'm not sure why I didn't bold cottage cheese and melon - I can assure you it's because of the cottage cheese, but it is good with canteloupe. On any other day I might've bolded it. Really looking forward to the curry and ginger this week.


English muffin with veggie links and Fruit Cup with Almonds

Crabmeat Salad with Triscuits

Curried Chicken with Basmati Rice and strawberries

Snack 2
Cottage Cheese with melon and almonds

Chef Salad with cantaloupe


English muffin with veggie links and Fruit Cup with Almonds

Crabmeat Salad with Triscuits

Curried Chicken with Basmati Rice and strawberries

Snack 2
Cheese Salsa Olive Dip with veggies

Gingery Tofu and Pepper Sauté with melon and soy nuts


Scrambled Eggs (from liquid egg whites, :-/ ) with Cheese, wheat bread and peanut butter

Cottage Cheese with melon and almonds

Curried Chicken with Basmati Rice and strawberries

Snack 2
Cheese Salsa Olive Dip with veggies

Gingery Tofu and Pepper Sauté with melon and soy nuts


Old-fashioned Oatmeal with Almonds, cheese and milk

Cottage cheese with vegetables and olives (a fave because in my first week, the green olives were like a reward for successfully avoiding chocolate and sweets and sticking to the diet)

Veggie Burger Melt with Savory Zucchini, soy nuts and strawberries

Snack 2
Cheese Salsa Olive Dip with veggies

Gingery Tofu and Pepper Sauté with melon and soy nuts


English muffin with veggie links and Fruit Cup with Almonds

Crabmeat Salad with Triscuits

Spinach and Bean Salad with yogurt

Snack 2
Cheese Salsa Olive Dip with veggies

Gingery Tofu and Pepper Sauté with melon and soy nuts


English muffin with veggie links and Fruit Cup with Almonds

Snack 2
Crabmeat Salad with Triscuits

Spinach and Bean Salad with yogurt

Snack 2
Cheese Salsa Olive Dip with veggies

Black Bean and Beef Tacos with strawberries


English muffin with veggie links and Fruit Cup with Almonds

Snack 2
Crabmeat Salad with Triscuits

Fish Burger with salad and orange

Snack 2
Cottage Cheese with melon and almonds

Black Bean and Beef Tacos with strawberries

June 27, 250.5

I'm nervous about weigh-in. Yesterday I waited until so long to eat lunch (around 9 or 10:00) and then we had a party and I ate second snack and dinner all last night within a few hours of each other. Seems like a wrong choice to eat 3 meals late into the night before you weigh-in.

Okay, I just did it and didn't need to worry. Whew! Am I putting too much emphasis on the numbers on the scale? Tough! Lol. I know where my motivation comes from each day.

The first time I stood on the scale it was 250 - even. That would have been awesome because I could brag I'd lost 35 pounds. (35 pounds? Only 35 pounds? - it doesn't even sound like much now. Hope it feels like an accomplishment when I've lost 50.) As it stands, I've still only lost 34.5 pounds.

Still, it's 2 pounds down from last week and I'm still on course.

Today I have to check-in at ediets, create a new meal plan for next week, and go grocery shopping. And I need to go lift weights, sooner rather than later. Last night at the gym proved my upper belly is still protruding out against my t-shirt - ugh!

Next week I go into the 240s. This pleases me greatly.

SW: 285
LW: 252.5
CW: 250.5
GW: 220

Last Week's Exercise

saturday - lift weights
sunday - none
monday - 20 minutes yoga
tuesday - none
wednesday - a moderate-easy hike, about 40 minutes
thursday - none
friday - 30 minutes elliptical trainer

Friday, June 26, 2009

More good news

More good news. Today I am wearing a blouse which I bought, oh, a couple years ago and wore a few times before I got so big for it that my body pressed out into the fabric when I sat down. Today it fits! :-D Lavendar sateen - a little saucy in spirit! I'd been facing my wardrobe with desolation, no longer able to dress the slightest bit flirtily or sexily because it just looked gauche on me and emphasized my unattractiveness, so I was just giving up and covering up. I was just a step away from mumus. Anything to hide my body, to deny my sexuality and hide my shame. Just throw a blanket over it and grab my keys. That's gone now. I don't have to hide myself now, if I don't want to.

So far I had breakfast in the early afternoon, 2 whole grain frozen waffles, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 2 oz ham, and lovely lovely blueberries.

For snack, another scoop of cottage cheese with 1/2 canteloupe. Was supposed to have sliced almonds, too, but forgot.

It's 7:30, I should have lunch, but I need to get my workout first, because I said I would and because I want a good weigh-in tomorrow and because I'm excited about getting into the 240s. Hm - I do feel hunger though, maybe I can eat some of lunch before the workout to fuel me.

I went out after breakfast to run some errands, and while I was out felt urges - urges for candy when I was in CVS, or to pop by a drivethru, like I usually might have if I were out running errands as a free woman on a sunny day and starting to get noshy. But I ignored the urges, pushed them away and remembered that I had a plan and that there was food waiting for me at home. I realized I was just having these urges because I was probably getting hungry and close to snack time, and so instead I got a diet coke and some gum (no, I haven't given up Diet Coke, and so far I don't feel the need since I am losing weight) to assuage my appetite and my oral fixation.

June 26, 250.5


Tomorrow's my weekly weigh-in day, and I need to weigh 250.5 to weigh in at the requisite 2-pounds-a-week loss. Today I had a brief adventure on the scale. I have a dial scale, not digital, so readings vary. It's the same scale I've always used and I have a personal system for reading it, which pretty well involves multiple weigh-ins and a gut feeling. :-D

So when I stood on the scale the first time it sort of stopped at 250.5 or 251 and gently slipped up to 252.5-ish. But the more I stood on the scale, making sure the neutral was set at zero, not too high and not too low, the more it came out slowing in the 249.5 and resting at 250 or 250.5!

Down at the bottom of the scale, I see 240 like a constellation ready to rise in th sky, in MY sky. 240, old pal, it's been a while since I've seen you, a long while. We had some good times, together, 240, good times. It's going to be great to spend some time with you again. I've been away too long!

The 240s! How did they sneak up on me like this. I'm so focused on getting below 255, 252, seeing the low 250s, that I wasn't prepared for the 240s! I mean, my scale stopped at 249.5 one of the times I stepped on the scale just now! Imagine! 249.5!

I will get into the 240s next week. 245 is my next short-term goal, scheduled to hit it in mid-July. Depending on tomorrow's weigh-in, I'm still on track to get to 220 in October!

Pre-weigh-in clues that I was going to weigh less:
1) The sight of my neck in the mirror from bed - my neck and shoulders struck me as having lost fat.
2) Walking to the scale, I gripped my belly fat and it seemed to use less of my hand to cup it.
3) Yesterday I wondered if my jeans (the size 22s I bought when the 24s wouldn't stay on me anymore) felt looser. I am wondering when I'm going to get to a size 20. I don't want to buy more size 22 jeans, I just want to wait until I'm a size 20.

Anyway, tomorrow's weigh-in. I'm so pleased with the hope of weighing in at 250.5, or maybe even less!

In fact, I'm so keen on it, I wonder about lifting weights tonight like I'd planned. What if I gain weight before tomorrow? No, I should do cardio tonight and then do weights tomorrow.

Oh, and another milestone I just realized - BMI is 36.99, below 37, and down from my original of 42.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Why I'm Not Keen on Challenges

I see the Blogger weight-loss community is hyped-up on challenges. The folks at ediets regularly participate in challenges, too. I can see that many people feel empowered by a challenge. I don't know, I haven't got into it. I think for me challenges externalize the issue - the goal - too much. Some challenges are to lose more weight so that your team has a higher score. If I'm thinking about my team, I'm not thinking about myself and how I feel and what I need to be doing. Some challenges are to drink a certain amount of water or eat a vegetable a day. These seem a bit cheesy to me. I don't know, I know in the past I've done some challenging myself, but challenges seem externally motivated and have to do with a lot of exclamation points and powerful declarations of what you WILL do, and it's so superficial that you forget to do it, or you do it half-assed, and honestly I get tired of the excuses and the shortfalls that ensue. I understand it's part of the process and I wholly believe in picking yourself up and not letting it get you down, but if every week it's the same thing over and over again, "Oh I ate Little Debbies again, naughty naughty me, I really SHOULDN'T HAVE..." eventually my anti-repetitive nature gets tired of giving the same rallying and advice.

I find that what works best for me is retreating into myself, knowing what you want to do, your plan, and then just doing it. Which does take a lot of focus and concentration. Which is why you have to be ready and in the mood for dieting or self-improvement. I'm sure it helps that my meal plan regulates my desire to cheat, but nevertheless, if I am offered cookies, I just say no because I just know it's not allowed. There's no considering the possibility of a cookie and so there's no giving in to the cookie.

Even in exercise goals, my challenges, especially the more successful, tend to be merely a quiet understanding that I will do a little bit more next time. Jog a little further or a little faster. When I make the commitment (I jogged 1 mile today, next time go for 1.1 miles) there's no need to talk myself into it, it's just what I will try to do and it is within reach and it's just the next step. Maybe I won't be able to do it and then discover I was getting my period, or that I shouldn't run that many days in a row or my body will never recover and get stronger and faster, or just realize that I didn't get enough sleep the night before.

The successful challenges tend to be the ones I feel from within myself, not someone else's challenge.

And exclamation points tend to be inversely proportionate to results. Because the more exclamation points I use, the more I'm trying to convince myself, which means the less I believe myself.

I am all for exclamation points, however, when I see happy results from my calm internal decisions.

Short Version - Why I'm not keen on Challenges - they externalize the goal.

June 25, 251.5

Back from camping, and back on the downswing! Wahoo.

Camping didn't involve as much activity as I'd sorta hoped for. I wanted to do some hiking, but when Wednesday rolled around, I didn't much feel like it. We did a little hike anyway which I enjoyed, but my body wasn't up for it really. So it doesn't speak well for "increased stength and energy," know'm say'n. Then we drove the rest of the day trying to get somewhere that turned into a big flop anyway, and then driving home.

I had packed 2 days worth of food from the meal plan, and Dad (my camping partner) decided he had to be back this morning for a class this morning, so I was able to stay "on plan" the entire time. So I'm glad I'm back down! I'm really ready to start on the NEXT thirty pounds!

While there, we realized we'd both forgot our bathing suits, so we had a brief shopping trip to think of getting a new one. Super K-Mart didn't have any swimsuits in the plus-size section, but there were some size 18s in the regular, and I was able to fit into some of those (I'm about a 22 in jeans.) I was able to see that I am still not getting "shapely" as far as my giant waist goes and I'm still fat and have no reason to be rejoicing too much or feeling too beautiful or anything. I just keep going hoping in faith that if I do, eventually it'll have to go away.

Oh, here are some pictures. Me at 252-ish...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

June 23, 254

254? What? Why? I'm having a crisis of faith here. I was on-plan yesterday. Why has my weight gone up?

Still the residual effects of Sunday's brownies or Saturday's weightlifting? Am I bloating pre-menstrually? Is it due to the comparative lack of sleep the past couple days, or just because I'm up earlier than I have been lately(closer to last night's dinner, not as much time for the body to do the work it does during sleep?)

Even my hands on my body are feeling that my body feels puffy and fat. Not squishy and deflated as usual.

So I'm headed out camping today. There will be some hiking. Hopefully this 254 nonsense will be taken care of. I wanted to see 250 by Saturday.


tons of food preparation

I'm exhausted. I'm supposedly going camping in the morning, right? And I've spent all this time cooking two days worth of food just for the sake of making an effort to stay on-plan for at least two of the days we're gone. I feel ridiculous taking some of these meals on a camping trip. I fully expect some of them to get too gross to eat, but that's no big disaster if it happens. My point was just - in CASE the food stays good - I'll be able to stay on the meal plan those two days.

But the prep was a monster.

Monday, June 22, 2009

June 22, 253

The scale reading is up again, sadly, I blame yesterday's brownies. Possibly it's sodium? Or increased muscle from weightlifting. Either way, I'm back over my halfway mark, and I'm going to lose it back again, hopefully by tomorrow!

I didn't get much sleep, and feel too unrested for yoga, but I've been waking up for a while now and might give it a go anyway.

Father's Day - junk food

I wasn't sure what I'd do today as I picked up a key lime pie for Dad (his favorite) and brownies (everyone's favorite.) I at breakfast very late, packed lunch, skipped both snacks, and had some brownies and key lime pie. Not a ton, but as much as I could force myself to. Haven't had dinner yet, and am thinking I won't, so as to save myself those calories, too. I'm still pretty well full from what I've eaten today. So if the brownies and key lime pie roughly are equivalent to the snacks and dinner (about 700 calories) I won't have hurt myself too much, calorie-wise.

Mom said she could see a little more chin, and that I had gotten just huge.

We are going camping this week, but after the camping trip, there will be no more "special circumstances" like holidays and travel, until my birthday in September, but if a girl can't live it up on her birthday, then just dang!!! haha

By the way, I should be about 230 pounds on my birthday. Good to know. :-)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

June 21, 252

I got a variety of readings from the scale this morning, from 250 to 252.5, but I'm picking 252 because that seems like about where it landed most often and most stably. The first time I stood on it was when I got the 250, and I was really hoping for a loss but too much of a loss at once scares me because a slow and steady loss is better for me psychologically than bouncing down a lot and then a little back up, or even dropping a lot and then plateauing. I get anxious if those things happen. 252 may not be the kind of loss I was hoping for, but then I haven't had a BM yet today either.

I was hoping for a loss because I keep feeling hunger, and I keep feeling myself, with my hands, thinking it feels like I've lost fat.

Yesterday, I waited so late to get out of the house because of my new fascination with blogger, but finally I did do an hour at the gym lifting weights (wish it didn't take an hour!), and I finished my housework project at my parents' and stayed and watched a movie. I did get this week's meal plan done up, but I waited until late because I got caught up in watching news and videos from Iran. So I never made it to the grocery store, and I never made it to get a Father's Day gift for Dad.

So I have to go grocery shopping, bring that back, make him a cake, buy him a shirt, and burn him a CD of Bob Dylan's music, even though he's more of a jazz guy.

All by this evening. That's a lot.

As for Cheat Day, I'm not really feeling the need now, but today is Father's Day and then there's the camping trip. Not sure how to handle all that. Would love to get to 250 by next weigh-in, this Saturday.

I am so inspired by other bloggers, especially those with a start weight simliar to mine who are actually losing weight. I love the before and after pics.

Oh speaking of which, here's a current picture of me my Mom took yesterday, compared with some pictures of me from my high weight that were so, so ugly and so hard to accept and were part of the pain that led to this diet. The one from yesterday is amazing. I can't believe there's a full-body photo of me that someone else snapped and I actually am fine with it! Even with oversize baggy jeans and oversized cheeks. There must be progress.

Noticing some physical changes.

Today I did get the weight-lifting and the door painting project done, and spent some time with the folks, and adhered to the meal plan. Haven't planned tomorrow's meal plan yet, let alone been to the grocery store. Ugh, what a chore. Ok.

I've begun noticing some changes. Today at the gym, as I clasped my clipboard over my ginormous belly as usual, I could definitely tell my belly is definitively smaller. I guess I have been squooshing at it with my hands the past few days and thinking it felt like it was getting smaller, but I'm still so concerned with the upper part sagging over the belly button, I'm SOOOO ready for that to go away!

I also noticed that, while my calf muscles seem to be even huger than normal, my calves still look fat, and drop down into tiny ankles. The awesome I think I have, I don't actually have.

Tonight, while feeling hunger having just eaten, I kept feeling the flab under my chin and wondered if it didn't feel like it was shrinking away. That would be very cool. Losing fat at my face was a big motivator for me.

Progress Pictures

I feel like I don't remember how to do this html blogging anymore! But I know *I* certainly enjoy seeing *your* progress pictures and find them inspiring, so turnabout's fair play.

Here are some "before" pics - me at 285:

And here are some pictures I took recently to document me at 255 - 30 pounds lost:

That last one is me wearing the same clothes as in one of the pictures above. I wasn't really seeing the difference in the mirror, so I wanted to see if I could see a difference by duplicating the picture above.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Everyday living on the diet.

Here's how my day will go.

Some of it has already happened, but not much.

Today is my weekly weigh-in with ediets. I've awakened naturally. I was up late last night reading a new blog (new to me, but two years long!!) So I'm waking up late - 12:15pm. I feel like I might weigh less. Yesterday was a big weight loss, and I'm excited to think that I might be able to see that number or even a smaller number on the scale today. I feel a little empty, a little thinner. I think this bodes well for my visit with the scale.

So I stood on the scale and it popped to 253. Oh, darn, that's annoying. Slightly annoying. I hate when you have a good weigh-in day during the week but then on weigh-in day you weigh more. Whatever, 253 is still a major loss from last week, I shouldn't be so whiny. All the same, 252.5 was a big deal for me to see because I realized that made 32.5 pounds lost, exactly HALF of my first long-term goal of losing 65 pounds. So now, again so soon after the same thing happened with 255, I reach my goal and then bounce above it by weigh-in day. How complicated.

Most mornings I wait an hour or two in bed on the computer doing whatever I can to weigh a little less on the scale weigh-in, before I start showering, dressing, eating, and drinking, and letting the day go by. All of those things will only make the scale number go up, and I'm all about the lowest number! :-D

So ok, I've waited and my weigh-in for the day is... 252.5! 3 pounds down from last week.

Time to check it into ediets.

I will input this number at ediets, tickerfactory, and fitday and ruminate on my weight loss so far. But not too long because I have achievable goals for the day. First, I need to pack up my food for the day because I'm not going to be home. Fortunately, most of it is already made, because I made two servings of yesterday's lunches and dinners to save one for today. Besides, I've been eating dinner pretty late, so maybe I don't need to pack dinner and I'll just come home to eat it.

Breakfast is oatbran cereal with apples and walnuts. I'm a bit surprised but I kind of like the oat bran cereal breakfasts and have decided to have at least one of them each week. I think the appeal is psychological, like with wheat germ. They just make me feel calm and satisfied in my brain. A vitamin B thing, probably. But I'm also thinking about what oat bran will do for my body. It's a wholesome feeling, the oat bran, and I enjoy the taste better than it really tastes, if that makes sense.

Snack 1 - a weird snack that involves wrapping two slices of tomato with a tablespoon of low-fat mayo inside 3 thin slices of roast beef. It is messy, but delicious. Add 3 or 5 whole wheat crackers. Today, however, I'm out of roast beef, so I guess I'll substitute ham. I like roast beef with tomatos better than ham, but I'm not gonna cry about it.

Lunch - Baked pork and apples flavored with Dijon mustard and wine. Also, quickly steam up some broccoli with olive oil in a skillet, and 3 tablespoons of couscous.

Snack 2 - Celery and apple salad, mixed with light mayo and low-fat cheddar cheese.

Dinner - taco salad.

It's been a while since I checked to see how many calories a day I was eating.

So I'll eat breakfast, pack up Snack 1, Lunch, and Snack 2, and go.


First stop today is the gym. I'm having some issues with my upper belly not going away, so I decided to start lifting weights twice a week because I read somewhere that'll help zap belly fat. Siiiiigh. Still, lifting weights is good, once I start to see and feel results. I like to be strong and muscular. My wieght-lifting will take about an hour.

Then over to my parents' house, where I intend to finish this door I've been working on for the past 3 days, sanding and applying primer, sanding and priming. Today I should finish that part and maybe it'll even get real colored paint on it and maybe it'll even go up in the archway!! It's solstice-time so I have a lot of daytime to get it done.

Tonight I think I will chill with folks, maybe watch some TCM. They will put their cookies away so as not to stir my tummy with cravings for them. Not very many people know I'm dieting, but they do and they are continually supportive, even understanding when I refuse to dine with them because I have my own food.

Some time today I need to plan my meal plan for next week, because today's my last day on this plan and I need a new grocery list and I need to go grocery shopping. I have to say that this can feel like the most burdensome part, because planning meals on ediets and printing up the meal plan are NOT easy. But it has to be done. Maybe one day I'll get smart enough to use the same meal plan and grocery list as last week. But then again, I must remember that as I lose weight, my calorie intake is bound to be reducing.


I also need to put something together today for Father's Day. Mom wants me to get him some clothes, but I'm feeling poor and haven't left myself much time. I may stop by the 24-hour Walmart, otherwise I may just make him a CD of Bob Dylan's Blood on the Tracks because I learned he's not familiar with that album or the songs on it. And he calls himself a hippie.

It's actually kind of a lot to do, and it's a lot for you to read. I just thought you might like to get a glimpse of how I actually incorporate this diet into my life. Advance planning. Always thinking about making sure I have the food with me that I need.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Why I decided to start this diet at this time.

In this entry, I'm going to address why I decided to diet at this time.

After all, I hadn't dieted in years.

Thinking back, I'm not really sure what happened. I used to know better than I do now, but those days have become a blur as I don't practice my memory of them that often anymore. I know that, my senior year of college, I was in terrible physical and emotional condition, and my graduation present to myself was a gym membership. I went to work full-time at Piece Goods and then went to work out in the evening before going home. I did that for a very brief time before having to move back home to Mom and Dad. I was exhausted, beaten, and took the summer pretty much off to regain some inner strength and peaceful soul. In the meantime, I had transferred my gym membership to Charlotte and drove every day to the gym, where I lifted weights, did some cardio, and enjoyed the saunas and the showers. I began to feel the positive effects of working out my 21-year-old body and got relatively healthy. I went on a diet plan that was all vegetarian, so for a year I munched on raw veggies and my "fast food" was a quick trip in to the grocery store for some veggies. I even quit sweets for a long time.

I was a healthy 240 most of the time - healthy but overweight.

I did go off the vegetarian thing - I don't remember why or how. Throughout my twenties I did some dieting - Atkins, ediets, cabbage soup, Jenny Craig, Body for Life - and went through significant stints of working out (weights and cardio) - but never really lost any weight as a result. Sometimes I had a little short-term weight-loss, but typically I stayed around 240-250, 235 if I was low, as high as 255.

I did have a strange hormonal thing in my late twenties, possibly a late-bloom of womanhood - I don't talk about it much. I went boy crazy, started menstruating regularly for the first time in my life, and started losing hair and weight - without really trying. Being boy-crazy squelched my appetite, and gave me the energy and enthusiasm to bike to the video store (a few hilly miles away) rather than drive. I believe it was then that I actually started running, because I'd never had the courage to before, I just remembered running got me real tired and gave me lots of asthma. But now I was a little crazy, and I jogged into the mirror on the treadmill a few more seconds every day until I'd built up to several minutes and started to want to pound pavement. I decided I wanted to achieve the goal to jog a mile.

Being boy-crazy eventually led to heartbreak, but once recovered from that, I did try jogging again. Building up to jogging a mile, through the neighborhood, filled me with a sense of power. Doing Body for Life filled my body with real power like I've never felt before or since. I jogged a mile, and the more I jogged, the more I noticed benefits, including fat loss, a well-tuned body and spirit, and improved breathing. And of course the runner's high. I exceeded my goal to run a mile - I was going to build up to two miles.

What happened then was that I got sick - real sick, flu, strep... - and because I don't have health insurance I didn't go to the doctor, and I didn't get better before getting sick again - I was under the weather all winter long, and when I finally came out of it - I discovered that my plantar fasciitis (read: intensely painful and inflexible heel) had resurfaced something awful - I could barely stand or walk. I remember that summer - I was housesitting, really wanting to jog, thinking "I'll just go until I have to stop" and not even being able to do 2 paces before the pain shot through. I tried stretching and not stretching, walking on it and staying off it. I didn't know what to do. I tried to keep active with Pilates, but Pilates just wasn't as good for what I needed.

Throughout my twenties I tended to rely on exercise more than diet to combat my weight. While I tended to eat more healthy foods than most people, I ate large portions and also succombed to a major major sweet tooth. But I was in decent physical shape. I suppose in large part, I was motivated to battle people's predisposition that fat=lazy.

So, I couldn't move anymore - I tried swimming and Pilates but after housesitting, I moved into an attic apartment in the ghetto on the other side of town and it all stopped. The neighborhood wasn't good for walking around in, and besides - there was a long skinny staircase up to my apartment, and I am anti-motivated from going down staircases (another plantar fasciitis issue - going down stairs hurts). I bought The Sims 2, especially to avoid going out and spending money on nightlife and entertainment. The Sims 2 is awesome, but it ran slow on my computer and I enjoyed the hell out of it, and could sit at the computer for 8 to 12 hours at a time, maybe even more.

I had a kitchenette, but I didn't consider the water safe, so I didn't cook much. I got onto Myspace and got hooked on a group there. A year later I moved in here, but continued to sit in front of the computer every free hour. I'm ashamed to admit this about myself, that internet addiction has brought a halt to every positive thing I ever was moving toward.

I haven't dieted, and my attempts to become the same sort of exerciser I was in my twenties have been half-hearted and unsuccessful. I feel no enthusiasm or energy to exercise. I accepted that it was just not my time for weight loss efforts, but wondered when that time would come.

I got as high as 292 at some point ("oh my God!, I hope I never get to be 300 pounds, or I may never get back!" I thought to myself, but I didn't really do anything about it, yet.) Now I suspect it's taken until this past year or two for my muscles to deteriorate so. Over the past year or two, I've been in the 280s, and begun to notice some really different stuff. My face was really ugly - the fat cheeks start to droop, looking frowny. The saggy double chin is probably hereditary, but it's not doing me any favors right now. I began to notice water settling in my legs - sometimes is felt very funny, almost numb-like. Sometimes I'd look down at my funny-feeling feet and see that they were puffy, whereas my feet are typically not fat and have a really big bulgy vein that's supposed to jut out from them. My water-retaining legs retained any indentations. I began to occasionally lie on the floor with my legs raised to get the water to fall out of my legs and feet. This was definitely new.

I was also bothered by my increasing inability to fold. It wasn't inflexibility, it was excess fat getting in the way.

What happened most recently though that really was a big issue for me was the reshaping of my belly. Basically, the area of my belly above the belly button grew out further than the lower part, and also further out than my boobs. This was not only unattractive, it was hard to dress. When I ran out of jeans, I went to Walmart to grab a new pair and they didn't have any. Clothing had become a total nightmare. I went around looking awful because they didn't make clothes in my size - plus-size and tall, not boot cut, not flared, not low-waisted. Pants had to fit around my waist when I sat, which meant they were loose on me when I stood. Suddenly it was in my face every day, every single day I put on pants that were uncomfortable and unflattering, I felt aggrieved, and that's when I began to realize, something had to be done, SOON.

Something else that happened, this past March, my Dad quit smoking. This was such a monumental effort for him, that, in support of his efforts, I voluntarily quit chocolate for a month. (I was too chicken to quit ALL sweets or sugar for a month.) But the truth is, quitting the chocolate was pretty major.

And when I was about 2 weeks into the non-chocolate phase is when something snapped. I was taking pictures of myself again, hoping for something I could use as an avatar on Facebook. All my self-portraits had been so ugly lately. I dared not smile lest I squunch my eyes away into a sea of cheeks. I think the pictures had something to do with it (tired of it being so hard to get just one decent picture of myself, tired of being ugly all the time, tired of not being able to even sit up straight because my belly was too big), and putting on those ill-fitting jeans everyday, and the fact that I'd been without chocolate for 2 weeks. I came home and signed up at ediets.com on March 28, 285 pounds.

Why ediets? The meal plan. I was busy, I didn't know what to eat. Years of dieting and exercise had left me confused. I didn't have time to learn how to do it. I just wanted to be given a meal plan, I would stick to it, and thus it was in ediets hands whether I lost weight or failed. Therefore, I submitted entirely to the will of ediets, because I knew if nothing happened, I wouldn't be able to blame ediets, and I would have wasted my time and money.

I lost 5 pounds the first week! Without hunger or cravings. My legs immediately began got shapely again. So I stuck with it.

june 19, 252.5

Really? 252.5?! That's a 1.5 pound loss from yesterday. I've been feeling a bit stuck around 255 since I first hit 255 on June 11. 255 was a goal for me, so a few days after that I did a cheat day, and my weight came back up. I was getting really tired of having only lost 30 pounds!

Why did I lose it? Well, I'm not sure, but I do know that I was dealing with hunger sensations and cravings yesterday. I went over to my parents' to do some work and they have cookies, and I felt a stirring in my belly for those cookies. I didn't cheat at all yesterday, though, except forgetting to eat crackers with my snack - small failing. Then last night I did go get on the exercise bike for 30 minutes.

Still, a 2 pound drop in 2 days is more than I expected, but here's hoping it stays off! My next short-term goal is 245. Although I think I'm going camping next week so I may have to go off the plan. It worries me to think I won't be able to control myself if I'm not on a plan, and I don't want to be on a plan my whole life. But let me just get down to a weight I can feel okay about before I worry about life without a plan, where I have a little leeway to gain a few pounds if things go awry. That will be a different project - learning to live without a plan. Right now, it's all about losing weight.

It's funny, too, how you can feel it on the nights before the scale goes down. Last night, I thought I could feel differences - in the neck, in the belly, in the waist... What's funny is that you can feel it tactally by touching your body even though you can't feel it within yourself or see it in the mirror. I just wouldn't think I'd be able to feel a 1.5-pound weight loss with my hands on my neck or my elbows against my side, it should be a miniscule difference.

Lying in bed at night, or sitting in a chair, I have sometimes tried to think of myself as being as fat as I look in pictures, tried to feel the spread of my body, and tried to imagine how it would feel different if I didn't take up so much space, but it's hard. In my own body, I don't feel fat. Fat doesn't feel different. I feel normal-sized.

Anyway, excited to see the scale going down again. 245 here I come!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

First Entry

Hello! I'm uncharacteristically excited about this new blog. I'm new to Blogger, so bear with me, maybe.

Ok, so, to get right to the point I've started losing weight. On March 28, my frustration with my body's shape and various little miseries got excessive enough that I joined ediets again. On that day my starting weight was 285 pounds. Looking through my diary, I can tell you I had gotten up into the 290s at some point, so 285 was actually down, somehow, from some time before.

In about 10 weeks I've lost 30 pounds, and my first long-term goal is to lose 65 pounds and get down to 220.

I expect I'll go more into details about my personal history and my experience with this program. For right now, I'm sure readers are really more interested to know what works for me, and what doesn't. I've been blogging at ediets.com, but they're not really well set-up for it, and I wondered if I mightn't have a better blogging experience at a site like blogger and collect Googlers.

Since I've had some degree of success this time, I thought maybe others might be inspired by my success, as I was inspired by some of the other blogs I found on the internet. I'm sorry that I didn't get this thing started sooner in the process, when the pounds were dripping off me like butter in the sun. Of course, I realize now is when it gets a little harder, the weight comes off more slowly, bringing less daily motivation from the scale, and requiring me to put in even more effort in terms of exercise, and learning how to maintain this lifestyle with out an externally-derived regimen so that one day I can keep myself thin on my own. THAT will be the hard part.

So this'll do for a first entry. Believe it or not, I actually am all set now to got get on the exercise bike for 20-30 minutes. Maybe it's bad to do before bedtime, but that's when it's getting done, what can I say. It just sucks that the A/C goes off at night down at the clubhouse.