June 27, 302.8

 This lighting design has me in up to my ears.  It is definitely difficult to keep up with the food plan when so busy, or keep to schedule when I'm up at all hours with little time for food prep.  I slept for 4 hours this evening and woke around 11:30.  Before falling asleep yesterday evening on the way home I yielded all the way to a big cheat and stopped at McAlister's and got a roast beef club sandwich and chips and two dessert bars which were wonderful but too much to force down, but I did anyway.  So I slept on a heavy stomach full of food and awoke feeling too full.  When this lighting design is over I'll keep losing weight.  A weekly cheat day was scheduled anyway, but I'm not sure how I'll manage tomorrow either, although it is probably better for me to pack tomorrow's meals than try to buy food in the neighborhood at lunch and dinner time.  I just can't wait to get back to the momentum I had before the family reunion.  Additional problems anticipated - trying to stick to healthy eating while on a long camping trip.  And the need to accommodate the garden's output even if it's not on my food schedule.  The garden's been putting out a ton of squash and zucchini, but not so much tomatoes and cucumbers, and recently came out with green beans.  Had to eat the green beans, which were great and weren't ever going to make me fat, and I have even found meals that specifically ask for zucchini.  But buying all the tomatoes at the store is pricey, and the fruit too.  It would be great if the garden helped us to cover that.

In my household, my mother and father cook for dad to gain weight, so managing my own food hasn't been a problem except that the fridge stays pretty full after I have been to the grocery store.

June 23, 299.7

 I haven't blogged this week because I have been re-losing weight already ostensibly lost after last week's family reunion.  I have been "working at home" but full of so much procrastination anxiety.  Today I'm determined to finish (but I was yesterday and the day before that too).  Anyway I have been weighing myself and raising my eyes about the scale and the challenge of getting a legitimate or a reportable or a dependable number to claim as my weight of the day.  I have no unnecessary sense of compunction to get it absolutely right all the time.  I am sure if I am losing weight the scale will eventually show a definitive weight loss.  Today I had a range that is significantly less than the range I was working with at the beginning of this diet.

And the number I report is 299.7.  The first time I stood on the scale I weighed more than I did yesterday which was very demoralizing but then I remembered I get to try again!  I stand on the scale which is cramped up near the wall and towel rod and next to the kitty litter box, and I hold my belly back so I can look down and read the number.  If my weight is forward on my feet, I weigh more.  If I'm leaning back a little bit, I weigh less.  And I generally wobble back and forth until my scale either picks something or gives up.

299.7!  Nice to feel ok choosing a number under 300 again.  I'm back under 300, possibly!  I don't remember the actual number I chose so you get a 299.7.

I am still dieting.  Since I'm definitely finishing my work tonight (definitely, definitely) I should have time this weekend to relax and go back to the grocery store for next week, maybe even prepare some meals in advance.  This week, rather than work getting in the way of the diet, the diet has got in the way of work, as every time I hope I might be able to get some focus built up, I have to go make a meal.  Which I then eat, often in front of the TV for an hour.  

But I have to finish tonight, so maybe I'd better sign off.

June 20, 304.4?

 I either weighed less, the same, or more than yesterday.  I'm having intestinal issues, I think.  Last night very strong pain in my right abdomen.  It reduced by this morning but it's still there, and has been I think, if you press hard enough.  Another reason to want to reduce abdominal fat - easier to treat this.  And been wanting a colonoscopy, to see if I have any twists, hernias, or blockages.  I'm hoping after a couple of days back on the diet I'll get more regular and clear out.

I'm so mentally overwhelmed about my design, it's hard to focus on getting groceries for tomorrow.  But I think I should, I am running out.  I might have them delivered again, but I'm not sure if that really saves me much effort or time.

June 19, 304.4

 After a family reunion weekend, something like 3 days off the diet, today I claim 304.4 as my weight though it would have been worse and it could have been better.  My challenge then is to not just get back on it but stick back to it as I get through this next week where I continue to carry the stress of having to get this lighting design done.  If I can just FINISH going through the script and get the plot drafted I'll feel so much better.  I'm going to try to finish the script and get a rough draft of the plot planned out TODAY.  Then it's just meeting with the director to iron out the cues, and finalizing the plot and paperwork.  Anyway, none of that is interesting to you, except to know, it's a major distraction.  And to worry about getting it done before any more production meetings - trying to mentally hold off any business emails today.  Tomorrow or the next day I will have to meal plan and go grocery shopping again.

June 15 297.1!

297.1!  Yeah that really happened!  I ate almost all my food yesterday.  Woke up extremely early due to anxiety.  Weighed myself multiple times this morning.  Not only am I below 300 pounds, I am way below 300 pounds.  My scale is all I have to go by and if the exact numbers aren't correct there's no denying that there has been real weight loss, in the vicinity of 27 pounds lost in 6 weeks.  If the weight loss has seemed too fast lately, this is my last day on the plan before I go to a weekend family reunion at the beach.  I don't expect to run off the rails but we'll see how I do on my own for 3 days.  I haven't eaten candies and sweets - well, a couple cheats, that chocolate covered rice krispie bar last week, a week before that 2 cookies at Subway... but you get the idea - once every week or two instead of 1or 2 a day.  My tolerance for the sugar is at a low now, but experience tells me I can build it back up over a short period of time.  I do still crave them, when I think of it.  Maybe it will be good for me to take 3 days off the diet.

I am not motivated very well by others' pride and support, more embarrassed and annoyed.  But I just want to cry out and luxuriate in the celebration of being under 300 pounds!  I hate being weighed down by the requirement of work.

I was just shown pictures from Google photos of my 2022 retrospective which included many selfies checking out my glasses and looking pretty ugly with all my chin and cheek fat.  I look forward to looking better some day?

Well I can't think of anything else to say, at much as I want to keep partying and keep losing even more weight.  What would my next goal be?  Surely 50 pounds down is a long way away.  That would be 273.  That's my next meaningful goal I guess and would probably take at least six weeks if it comes off almost as fast as it did this first six weeks.  But plateaus are a thing.  273.

I don't guess I have to worry as much about weighing less for my doctor because she's left and so she's not my doctor anymore.  I need a new doctor.

June 14, 301.2

 Today the scale started off reading 304.6 (BOO!) and then gave a few readings of 299.6 (YAY!) and I nearly stopped and claimed 299.6 because why not and besides I really would like to get under 300 pounds before this trip this weekend.  But I gave it a few more goes and eventually compromised with the reading of 301.2, which is a slight bounce up from yesterday's reduction.  I ate a lot of food yesterday.  Not as much as the diet required, but with some variances from the diet.  I made the mistake of buying groceries for 6 days, including produce and meats, despite that we are going to the beach this weekend.  So I'm trying to make a dip in the foods most in danger of going bad.

June 12, 301.6

 I think that was the decimal.  Honestly, the scale played around, as it does, starting by threatening to be too high, then threatening to be too low.  I picked this number, around where it seemed to want to settle, happy for new weight loss but not wanting to risk future feelings of stalling out.  Surely I will eventually start to stall out, but right now it feels like it's dripping off a pound a day... Mom asked if I could tell a difference.  I can't see it, but I keep thinking I can feel a difference with my hands.  Areas of my body feel different - squishier, possibly smaller.  Once I thought I had more flex at bending my knee, sometimes I think I feel more flex twisting at the waist.  Yesterday my shorts were coming off at work, so I tied them at the belt loops.  But I don't wear those shorts regularly.  Today, I put on my regular size 24 jeans.  When I first peeled them on, it wasn't easy to tell if they were less tight on me - could have been that they were, but they still had enough fresh stiffness to seem to be near my skin all over.  But after coming back from the grocery store, they were drooping awfully like they wanted to come off.  So, now that I have enough pants, I'm about to get too small for them.  ONE HOPES.  I was so enthusiastic realizing that I might buy some new clothes.  I completely bored with everything in my closet but for a while now buying new clothes has been not particularly pleasing because everything looks like shit on me.  I thought maybe I'd get a structured dress that showed off my boobs.  While I still have some.  Did a little shopping online.  But didn't buy anything.  Yet.  Money does matter.  Exciting to think of buying a size 2X and size 22 instead of 3X and 24.  Can't wait to be under 200 pounds!  My BMI has dropped from 46.9 to 44.5 - that could indicate a whole size difference.

My first day off in two weeks and I slept all day.  I didn't eat according to any meal plan because I had run out of groceries.  I freelanced but kept mindful of my choices.  I had so little to eat today it can't have amounted to anything much anyway.  Yeah, I only ate about 600 calories yesterday.  Burn THAT!

Can't wait to feel pretty and sexy and to fit into chairs and feel less heavy climbing stairs...

June 10, 303.5 20 pounds down!

And just like that, I'm 20 pounds down!

After everything I write yesterday about resisting temptation, yesterday was baked goods day, our baker brought in chocolate chip cookies and chocolate frosted rice krispies treats.  I resisted for a while but the rk treats looked and smelled so good I decided to cut one in half, but I didn't have a knife so I took a small one.  In case it made a difference, I chose to skip snack to accommodate the rice krispie treat.  By the way it was marvelous.

Anyway I don't have time to continue this, but celebration!

June 9, 305.1

Let's be clear, 305.1 is the highest of the numbers my scale rolled through just now.  Yesterday I was having a conversation in my head when I suddenly realized how close I am to being able to say I've lost 20 pounds!  All of a sudden after feeling stuck at only 6 pounds lost for so long.  I can't really tell where it's gone from right now.  Like I said recently, I recently read that it's the hard internal abdominal fat around the organs that disappears first, which I'd love.  Some time ago recently I stated that I imagined I felt less fatty in the neck area, but I can't be sure.  Just now I had my hand on my buttcheek and imagined maybe it felt different, smaller.  Last night I twisted at the waist and imagined it felt easier, freer.  I squeeze my belly fat and think it feels more squishy than it did when I started.  I haven't noticed for sure that any clothes feel different.  My umbilical mass is still there and I still don't know what it is.

I look forward to being able to report 20 pounds weight loss!  But more important to be able to report that I weigh under 300 pounds, when I'll feel better about making my doctor appointment.  When the genie lift that refused to lift me last year will presumably choose to lift me, not that we work there anymore.

My diet involves meal planning.  A diet full of veggies, small portions of meat, low-fat dairy, fruits, and whole grains.  Generally no cake or cookies or candy but I am usually thrilled with the fruit or yogurt.  I do not do a good enough job reporting these foods to Lifesum so I can know how many calories I eat.  I'll try to do that today.  I get the meals from the diet I did at the beginning of this blog back in 2009.  I have a lot of food prep to do today to get me through the weekend, and I guess grocery store on Monday to stay adherent.  This week I've been having more microwave meals with salads (and this delicious French-style yogurt called 'oui.'). Next week maybe I can cook more.  After having had that impromptu cheat the other day of a little cookies and candy, I was offered a Klondike bar yesterday from someone I'd very much like to receive treats from and had to just say "thank you" while watching all the guys grab one.  Unfortunately I can't just accept ice cream whenever offered and hope to maintain adherence to a weight loss regimen.  It's not that I can't eat ice cream.  I just have to be in control of when it happens, like once a week.

June 8, 306.8

Decided to claim 306.8 today, it's what felt right to me today after my multiple scale stands.  That would mean I'm at a new low weight.  Time will tell if I am continuing to lose weight.  I read that the first weight you lose is the hard fat around your organs.  I love that!  Concern about that was a major instigator for starting this diet now.  I hope that hard organ-blocking fat is dripping away, hope my blood pressure is going down

June 7, 308.9?

Hi!  I downloaded the app so I can update you even if I have to run out the door in a rush to work in the morning.  This morning I seemed to weigh 308.9.  But I also started my period.  2 days ago I guess, after having reached the end of the day and still had no dinner, I chose to cheat and eat a handful of Oreos.  But the Oreos were gone and so I had done other cookies instead, and some chocolate.  So that was my cheat.  Still hanging on, although this schedule is rough, I've been relying on microwave meals through it.  After today I plan to cook some more.

So I had a cheat day and I started my period.  Maybe now my weight can drop down again before I go on this family reunion.  I don't know if I can hope to see 299 before I have to go tech an Opera.

June 5, 308?

 Though the scale swung as low as 301, and stopped at times at 306.8, it also stopped at least once at 310, and it stopped a couple of times at 308.0 so that's what I chose to report.  Even though it would be a disappointing increase, it would not be unexpected.  Anyway, if I was really 306.8 or really a loss, and it continues, it will show up in the scale in the near future.  It is very possible I need to do a cheat day, I just can't ever decide to do it "today."  I still want to lose weight more, and fear sabotaging it with a cheat day.  I also don't want to waste a cheat day.

It's hard to keep up.  Work is keeping me very busy, and staying up late preparing and packing my meals for work the next day.  Don't think, just do.  Speaking of which, I have to get dressed and go to work.  Thankfully just for 5 hours, but I slept all day after staying up until morning this morning, there will be precious few hours between my reprieve tonight and my return all day tomorrow.

June 2, 307.2?

 Today I stood on the scale a couple handfuls of times.  It stopped at 307.2 3 of those times and that felt like a reasonable reduction that would save me the pain I'm sure that I'm due from too much weight loss.  One day the measurement will be too high.  Unless I'm really losing weight.  I tried to get a more official weight by going to the YMCA and standing on the medical scale they have in the women's locker room, but it was flawed and after futzing with it, my best reading was about 313.  That's still lower than it's been.  I wonder how long it would take, if I were able to maintain tenacity to this diet, to get under 300 pounds.  Then I would feel comfortable going to the doctor and proving I am really finally trying and succeeding at losing weight.  I have a couple of friends on Facebook who have had the gastro surgery and are showing that mad success.  I have another friend who did it years ago and he could have been 500 pounds for all I know, he was very big, and he lost all of it and has regained some, like you do, but not all of it.  He, for sure, I approved of him getting that surgery.  He really needed it.  The other two I'm not as sure but I don't question it so much.  I wonder if I should have done it sometimes.  The idea of having my guts permanently cut out sounds untenable to me.  But my dad, after esophageal cancer, has had his whole esophagus taken out and his stomach pulled up to his throat like a new esophagus.  He lost a lot of weight and had a hard time regaining.  Then even he started to look almost pudgy, until he got these latest teeth problems making it harder for him to eat again.

Anyway I was good today.  I turned down an ice cream sandwich.  I even refused to enjoy a mint that someone gave me without my even realizing it was happening.  People are throwing food at me!  Today they talk about Baby Ruth and I find myself wanting a Baby Ruth.  I want a yogurt.  But so far I am good.

Problem is I have no time to go to the grocery store.  At this point I think I'm going to order grocery delivery.  Have to get through next week.  Then there *will* be an interruption when I go to the family reunion on the Outer Banks.  We'll call that cheat weekend.  It's 2 weeks away, though, I might should have a cheat before then.  I am excited about my current weight loss, though, and hesitate to counteract it.

I haven't been able to tell that my clothes fit any differently, but today I did find myself running my hands around my neck and thinking it felt less fatty there.  That's a great place to lose weight, and one of the last places I remember gaining and thinking "this is awful".  I don't like the feel of my jaw fat and my chest fat forming a fold - gross.  But that's how it's been for me in this reclining position for a while.  Not so much tonight, I think possibly.

Though it's too much to ask, I hope hope hope I weigh even less tomorrow.

June 1, 308?

 The situation with my scale has become untenable, but this last time I tried it stopped at 308.0 several times, and that was enough under yesterday's weight to seem reasonable and not set me up for miserableness of a weight gain today or later.  Yesterday I ate only breakfast before going to work, and then lunch when I got home, and then, much later, an unplanned cheat of 2 squares of chocolate, but I guess if you're going to have an unplanned cheat it should be 2 squares of chocolate after a large weight loss on a day that you've only eaten two of your 3 meals + snack.  That's all I have time for, I stayed in bed too long again and need to cook tofu to take with me to work tonight.