Tuesday, August 31, 2010

midnight snack

So, I still haven't got to the grocery store, which meant today I kinda played it by ear. So far, ok. My breakfast of eggs and toast with lite butter and apricot preserves and very milky iced coffee was some 600 calories - more than the oat bran meal would have been. Then dinner was a Subway club sandwich - footlong - and chips - NOT COOKIES!!! Pretty exciting. I was actually able to just not even want a cookie all that much. I mean, yeah, I wanted a cookie. But I didn't feel like I was going to give in. I'm telling, Subway cookies may have been my downfall getting into this sugar rehab mess. One day I actually went and didn't even get a sandwich - just 5 cookies.

Anyway - that food brought me to about 1500-1600 calories for today. And in a half-hour, "today" will be over.

That said - I'm at the theatre now and plan to stay here and work for a while. Then go to the grocery store on the way home, say 4 a.m. When I'm bad, I raid their snack bar pretty hard. But I'm not being bad now, but I'm not sure what to nosh on. I don't even have any gum. I need to maybe step out, get some gum and some appropriate snack that will stabilize me. An apple? Cheese crackers? A green pepper? Where is the nearest 24-hour grocery store? Not very near here, anymore. Certainly not a quick trip. What would I find at the convenience store? Guess I'll go find out. One cool thing is that most convenience stores have fresh fruit available now. I just mustn't choose banana - it's not suitable for my glycemic needs.

Aug 31 2010, 220 pounds and holding

Benn hanging out at 220, waiting for the next big dip on the scale. ::drums fingers::

To be honest, the past two days I wasn't completely adherent to the plan. Sunday I went on an outing with Mom and we went to a restaurant where I had a very healthy and delicious salad that I figured easily fit within my plan. Then I wound up staying at Mom's late and had dinner at her place - I chose PBJ and a can of chicken noodle soup which altogether seemed to come to about 600-700 calories, so not terribly off. Later that night, finished off the last of a bag of tortilla chips.

Yesterday I had a good breakfast, and then a lunch, and a mini-personal-watermelon (half with lunch, half for dinner), and some sugar-free candies but not the whole bag. And a Lindt chocolate ball which was AMAZING but just the one.

I feel like my appetite is back under control so it's just a matter of making good choices to keep it that way, unswayed by the power of sugar.

Meanwhile I've been slack about getting back to the grocery store. Yesterday was my absolute last day to do it so that today I could work. Apparently, I'm running kinda late on this getting back to work thing. I guess what I'll do is finish off my getting-my-life-in-order stuff today as best as I can, go to rehearsal tonight where hopefully I'll see some useful staging, and then start the design tonight. There's really not a lot I can do without having seen the staging for the whole play, and I've only seen most of Act I so far.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Aug 28, 219.6 - getting more satisfied

Ok, so today seems to be the day, so far anyway, that I'm feeling more controlled and less deprived. My period started today, I've been working and sweating outside all morning and downing no-cal beverages from water to Diet Coke, so who knows if those are mitigating factors against the having-been-off-the-sugar thing. I've had breakfast and lunch and I still have my 2 snacks and dinner to have in the next 8 hours so I should be fine, I think. Yesterday I had some more sugar-free candy in addition to my meal plan (low sugar doesn't mean low calorie!) but today I seem less interested. In fact, I seemed to respond more to the sight of lollipops and gummi bears than my usual chocolates and nougats and cakes and so on. I think I tend to prefer/crave fruity foods and scented-body-washes when I'm thirsty.

My hope is that staying off the sugar will bring my binging back under control. It seems I do have an eating disorder after all - I love refined sugar foods and the more I eat, the more I want. When I'm under control, I can grant myself little allowances without messing up my system, but if I keep the allowances on a daily basis for a few days, start to increase them at all, and before you know it, it's 3 candy bars because not one of them was the one you really wanted so you hoped the three different ones might compensate, and then it's all cookies and candy and footlong subs and when do I eat next and who knows what's going on?

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, but knowing it is a good first step. Sometimes I would think "If I just thought of myself as a diabetic or something - someone who had to eat healthy or they would die." Not that I hope to be a diabetic, of course. Maybe there could be a system where I can eat sweets one week but take the next week off or something. I don't know.

My birthday's coming up and I wonder if there's such a thing as sugarless cake. Seems possible. Some sort of applesauce cake or something. I will look and see.

Anyway, today's (hopefully) the landmark day worth noting where I don't feel like I'm starving. Given that, I'm kinda looking forward to weighing myself again tomorrow.


My meal plan's been really repetitive all week. Due to a mistake, oat bran with apples for breakfast EVERY DAY - though yesterday when I was pressed for time I had frozen multi-grain waffles with cottage cheese and blueberries. I get 2 snacks per day and EVERY DAY those two snacks are (1) a tomato and 2 egg whites with lite oil and vinegar dressing, and (2) 2 slices of tomato with cottage cheese, carrot sticks and green olives. Lunch has been either (1) a 200-cal Lean Cuisine with a tomato and cheese and balsamic vinegar salad (I had a LOT of tomatoes this week - didn't quite realize until I got around to it) or (2) a cheese-topped veggie burger on a slice of rye with fried zucchini and strawberries and almonds. Dinner has been either a ham caesar salad or a spinach and bean salad. I think the same-iness has contributed to my success - preparations were rote, and the lack of variety might have also kept me a little more unenthused by my food.

Last night I went from 4:00 pm until 10:45 pm without eating and by the time I got home I was STARVING. (I had 2-4 sugar-free candies in the car on the way home, which was around 200-300 calories.) Still, I made my snack and dinner salad when I got home - going only a little overboard with some of the ingredients, maybe, but not much if at all - but as I ate I could feel the change coming gradually as the food hit my system, and after I was done I took notice of the difference at how comparatively satisfied I felt.

Friday, August 27, 2010

August 27, 220 lbs

220 pounds! Wow, that was abrupt! Even I didn't expect that.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Aug 26 - part 2




Over and over, especially if I wait too long to eat, I begin to have visions, almost taste hallucinations - of whatever - chicken salad, russell stover chocolates, crackers, pie. They come at me sometimes as the result of a smell, and sometimes out of nowhere! Tonight our houseguest was cooking dinner. I'd driven all the way back home just to get my snack. I had to leave ASAP for fear of the aromas of her cooking. Today I waited too long to eat breakfast - until about 3 or 4 p.m. and for the first time since I can remember, that tbig bowl of oat bran left me HUNGRY. I went ahead and ate midmorning snack and lunch too. Then I was overfull. I'm wearing my size 16 shorts and a shirt and both are too small for me but it's a healthy reminder that these clothes need to at least fit (if not get kinda baggy.) I'm chewing on gum and slurping up crystal light just to deal.

I'm headed home now (soon) for a spinach bean salad. It's going to be the best spinach-bean salad ever!

Aug 26, 2010, 223 pounds

As I just informed Facebook - summer's over. I had some troubles getting back on the plan this summer. When I go to work sometimes I have no idea if I'll be there for 4 hours or until late at night, and the concerts I work often cater - sometimes with healthy food, but with no predetermined limits on how much one should or shouldn't eat, and with desserts of course. And the camping trips and road trips and the not being able to get to the grocery store... And I started off the summer allowing myself, and every time I'd try to get back started there would be some reason or other to hold off one more day.

For instance, the other day I decided NOW'S THE TIME. Now's the time to get back on board. It was Monday, and I was transitioning into work mode from summer mode, and I made it to the grocery store, and I go in to work, and someone's girlfriend had baked toffee pecan brownies for everyone on the crew. Having just breakfasted on oat bran and apples and walnuts, I resisted, because "It's important."

But then on Tuesday, we wound up being kept at work from 8 a.m. until midnight, and I hadn't expected to be there past, oh 5:00. So I didn't pack the whole day's worth of food, and went to get some Pho noodle soup from a restaurant for dinner, and some sugar-free candies (to get off the sugar kick) and then in the evening I was dealing with gross fatigue and people put cookies and bagels in front of me and I kept going back and the next day I weighed more again.

Yesterday, then, was Wednesday and I stayed "on-plan" and I expect I will again today and tomorrow. Saturday I have an all-day gig at a concert venue again - I really kind of don't want to do it, but I can't really say no to the money. I can pack my food for the whole day, but it might still be hard not to get "shaky." Over the past few months my appetite and intake have increased back to their original levels, so as I go back on-plan, I realize I do feel a little light-headed and hungry. I feel this is temporary as I get back on plan, so there is that little push to stay on plan until it gets easier and not fall off every 2-3 days.

"It's important."

So I've not been dieting, not been blogging, not been weighing myself, not been keeping track. I got up to around 225. Today I'm 223 or 224 - wait - I'll go check - 223, possibly even 222.5. 222.5 would indicate progress to me - 223 is still in holding mode. :-) I've gotten a long way from my goal of getting under 200 pounds but that is still my aim. More immediately, I just want my size 16s to fit again! Though it has been nice to have full boobs again. (truth!)

Monday, August 16, 2010

gotta cut the sugar out

Hey. I haven't posted because I haven't gotten myself back on track. I mean, I do for about a week and then some kind of confusion or slackness or project gets in the way. It's been a long process of going from small allowances to getting pretty much right back where I was in the very beginning. The most recent thing to get in the way of my efforts was an impromptu road trip that wound up taking a week and was a lot of driving and rushing and sleeping in the car. Right now, I'm expecting to take several days to go camping with Dad, so it doesn't seem a good time now to get back on it either. But I'm looking at several empty boxes of Fiber One bars on my bed and knowing that the reason I binged on them was because of the sugar. Clearly I need to go back on the Glycemic Index plan and cut the sugar out of my diet in order to restore order. And next time I get to where I feel confident enough to give myself tiny little allowances, I will remember this. Sugar is my major downfall. I was balanced pretty good there for a while but the monster grew large. I've been on large amounts of it daily for a while now. I watch it happen and remember not too long ago when things were different. Yesterday I took my picture and didn't like my face - that's a big difference from my pictures where I thought it was hard to take an ugly picture of my face. And I weigh about the same now as I did then, so it could be that the bad foods are making my face puffy and lumpy in ways that they were less so before. (Just call me the queen of confusing sentence structure.)

I don't feel drastic and I'm not beating myself up, but I do feel confused when I watch myself go through the process of binging.

Diet's not the only place I'm letting things get possibly out of hand - I'm also just not even paying attention to the whole making money thing and yet I am spending. I figure this will last until the theatre season starts up again in a couple weeks. Right now I guess I'm on summer vacation.

I don't weigh myself much anymore (compared with every day before) but I think I'm at about 220-225.

So just letting you know that I keep getting delayed but I am consistently aware that things are getting to a point that I can't let it go on like this forever.

I also haven't been exercising not on much the road trip or since the road trip since I've been focused on blogging about it - and not just writing out my scribbled thoughts like I do here, but actually kind of trying to make a real blog out of it, and practice journalistic skills and layout and organized writing. Really put some effort into doing it right. I'm afraid I fell far short of that, but I hadn't planned to do it before and so I wasn't as well-prepared as I might have been. And after all that effort, it doesn't seem to be anything my friends are actually going to read anyway. My parents said they wanted more information, but my friends probably want less. Anyway, I had to rush to get it all out and done before I forgot it or lost momentum, and it took all week! Amazing!! Between that and the road trip, it's really starting seem like things are taking 7 times as long as they should!!

Now that it's done, though, hopefully I can start pushing through on some shorter tasks that need to get done. It'll feel great to make some progress.