Tuesday, October 30, 2012


Oh.  Gosh.  I'm so off.  I moved.  Or I am moving.  My food's still at the other place.  So's the scale.  I'm so preoccupied with dealing with the move and transition, I have upped my restaurant eating, consumption of crappy sweet snacks, and alcohol.  There is still so much to move and I just can't deal with where to put it.  I guess I could just move all the boxes of too-small-for-me clothes and maybe cookware to the storage unit I'm paying for.  Anyway, I really have to get cracking on my lighting design and get back to the lower calorie eating soon.  I may even have killed my chances of reaching my goal, but that's not important.  What's important now is getting moved and getting a good lighting design executed by the weekend.

Saturday, October 27, 2012


More scale antics this morning.  At first it was reading 260 again, and I whined that I liked it better when there was weight loss every day.  But I kept standing on the scale over and over for more certainty and it started reading as low as 257.  After careful consideration, I have finally decided 258.5 makes the most sense for today.  Let's not see 260 again... ever, how about it?  :-)

Stayed within range yesterday.

You know, at sparkpeople.com, when you weigh in you're also supposed to rate your sleep quality, energy level, self-esteem, and stress level.  That never seems to change no matter what my weight.  Excellent sleep quality, moderately low energy level, moderate self-esteem, and moderately low stress level.  Although I guess I might be a little more stressed now because of the move tomorrow, and the lighting design next week.  Yikes!

Friday, October 26, 2012


So, it appears I found my appetite.  At least, eating feels more normal and pleasant than it did, and it's harder to resist treats.  Could be due to an increase in natural activity.  Moving heavy boxes of books and stuff Wednesday, and yesterday was a long and fairly hard day of work that included pulling, lifting, stretching, climbing... and left me feeling quite sore and undone.

Also yesterday, a tray of free food was placed in the crew area.  I had a bit of cherry danish and later, instead of dinner, had half a large cinnamon raisin bagel smeared with plain shmear.  Later when I came home, I went to bed without eating.

All told I was around my 1600 calorie goal mark.

No weight loss yet.  Not even sure I'm still under 260.  Could definitely be a muscles thing.  I will wait until I'm sure I see that I'm definitely back in the 250s.  Looking forward to that.

In the meantime, I've definitely had the feeling that this is the beginning of another long journey and struggle.  Meh.  Can't let it rule my life.  There has to be more to life.  I figured that "food makes me queasy" phase was just a phase - have to find the happy medium and stay there.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


I used yesterday as a "Day Off" which was not supposed to be permission to pig out wildly but just permission to eat things I wouldn't usually consider on the diet.  I guess I *just* did that on my trip to Asheville.  It was in celebration of losing 10 pounds and also in the hopes of mitigating any starviness aspects.

So I have no idea how many calories I ate.  I went to eat a meal at a vegan restaurant.  I got these crab cakes my mom had last time that I swore I'd eat next time.  They were deep fried, jackfruit.  And mashed potatoes and "gravy" and grilled zucchini.  My appetite is not what it has been and the very action of putting food in my mouth is like a challenge to my stomach.  I ate about half and began to feel very outdone, mostly in and around my head.  Maybe in response to the deep-friedness.  Took the other half home and ate my leftovers about an hour later.  Later in the day, I went and got myself this gourmet snack I used to enjoy all the time, a "chocolate mousse cup."  Who knows, it might have 1000 calories in it.  It's very rich and chocolatey and it's probably the first chocolate I've had in the past couple weeks.  That was all I ate yesterday.  I came home last night and looked in the fridge and felt sicky full and drank a glass of water.  Maybe it's easier not to eat too much if you're pretty inactive.

Today I'm getting my exercise through the course of my daily activities.  I'm going to transfer more stuff over to my parents' place.  Carrying, stair-climbing, -sigh.  What a mishap this has all been.

But anyway I seem to be in the 250s now.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

260 - halfway to goal

Okay, I had 1305 calories yesterday - still low for what I've declared my goal, and today I'm at 260.  That's the 10-pound mark for me and halfway to my goal of 20 pounds down by Dec 7.  So - when do my pants get loose?

Still didn't exercise.  Worked on a needlepoint I'm making for my roommate.  I want it done before I move out at the end of the week, but it's slow going.  So I did that while watching tv on my laptop for many hours yesterday.

Today, there will be exercise, no excuse!

Yesterday I bought a book - Cooking Light the Essential Dinner.  I'm going to use it to meal plan to add some spice.

Monday, October 22, 2012


ALMOST at 10 pounds lost.  Hooray!  260.5.

Yesterday I had my egg whites and toast breakfast (354 calories) and I selected a cobb salad from a restaurant (with no avocado?  what's the point? though it was already fatty enough), which I did my best to tabulate the calories on that and came to about 650 calories.  Even if I underestimated, I am still surely below my goal.  And when I came home from work I went straight to sleep.

I always felt sorry for any petite woman who had to eat only 1000 calories per day.  It has never been easier to eat so few calories as in these days immediately after The Great Change.  My response is to feel like I need to chastise myself for it, be "less successful."

So I thought I was going to be working today, but due to a mishap, I don't get to earn any money doing theatre today.  The upside of that is - I can get other stuff done.  And two of those things are exercise and meal planning.

Another thing is eat another restaurant meal from the diet menu.  I am feeling pretty peckish this morning.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

754 calories

So yesterday I had my oat bran/protein powder/apple/almond breakfast and then for dinner I had a whole can of Marie Callendar Chicken Pot Pie soup (listen to me, isn't that cute:  "a whole can of soup") with some mustard greens and turnips out of my parents' fridge.  All coming to 750 calories by the end of the day and no desire to eat more.  Either "those days will happen" or I have taken my appetite to the chopping block and left a huge chunk of it behind.  I will definitely be losing my hair.  I'm not hungry, but I am supposed to be eating more than that.  I didn't notice anything special to report from my scale this morning.

Bad news, I'm still not exercising much.  I do dread it, because I'm not in shape, the idea of being active sounds like a pain.  Though my rational memory knows it feels better to be in shape, my body isn't feeling it.  I've spent my 30s feeling old.  Sometimes literally one foot in the grave, like in my 70s or 80s.  I don't want to make the same mistake for my 40s.  I think that will involve physical activity and a mental attitude of welcoming every new day and attacking new challenges instead of ducking and hiding from it.  Looking forward to tackling the days of my life.  So I'm thinking of making some adjustments to my mental inner monologue.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

262 again

Weighed in at 262 again.  I've reached the point in my weight-loss where there won't be a loss every day!  Might even be a temporary fluctuation up.  Ok.

Especially since I had a little vacation yesterday.  I didn't deserve it diet-wise but I deserved it life-wise.  And it was a good chance to try to stick to my diet resolve while off-program.

So in the morning as I started my road trip, not wanting to waste any time, I had an egg mcmuffin from McDonald's and coffee with a little milk.  That was my fuel for a too-brief hike around the summit of Mt. Mitchell.  I say too-brief but it did get my heart rate up and burn my thighs a little with the climbing on the rough trail.  I am so terribly out-of-shape for what I'm used to.

Then I went to Asheville and stopped in a Starbuck's to connect with the Internet and chillax.  Had a grande mocha light there.  By then it was practically the dinner hour and I'd only had about 500 calories, which allowed me 1100 for dinner.  I wanted to have a bit of an exquisite Asheville dining experience.  It could have been nearly anything - pizza, Asian, whatever.  I had duck breast with risotto.  The menu said there would be butternut squash - I didn't see any so maybe I misread.  I get concerned that I'm not eating enough vegetables.  I think they contribute to happiness and a sense of well-being.  I also had a glass of wine.  Since I have no idea what was in that risotto, I can't do a calorie count for the day.  But since that was the end of my caloric intake for the day except for a shot of amaretto and a bite-sized laffy taffy, I think I stayed within my goals.

However I still have 12 pounds left to lose in the next 7 weeks, which is thoroughly possible but my weight-loss honeymoon is over and I must remain vigilant.

That honeymoon period, all that hunger, is over and now I have a reduced expectation for my calories.  Even then I could see that I had built my appetite back up to a higher level.  Definitely lots of sweets.  Now practically none.  When cookies and brownies are placed before me, I pass them over.  My stomach feels pangs but doesn't want to eat.  There were times over the past 10 days I thought I was being somewhat anorexic, though I never ate less than 1000 calories per day.

What I have to do now, and keep postponing, is plan for my next week's eating.  I need to plan meals and by groceries.  I want to make a soup.  I have to move over the next week, and renovate the room I'm going to be moving into.  That's going to make things tough.

What will also make things tough is that I'm moving in with my parents.  They have their own eating style and grocery plan.  They buy in bulk from Costco, lots of canned food and chocolate puddings and sweets (for Dad, mostly).  I'm not sure they ever do much with food prep, just reach into the cabinet and grab something.  It could be that I contribute a more satisfying food situation for them and maybe that could help bring my rent or utility payment down.  As long as I'm cooking anyway, maybe make meals for all three instead of just me.  Would that be more economical for me?  Not sure how it will work out.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

262 (.5?) and sushi

Well, I fell far short of my calories goal yesterday too.  Today I may have to lather on a bit more calories.  Maybe it shouldn't bother me.  I just fear that the more I enter starvation mode, the more one slip will send my weight careening in the opposite direction from my goal.  I'm not exactly starving myself.  I had about 1050 calories yesterday.  Breakfast of egg whites, toast, butter, cheddar, salsa, and coffee with milk.  Lunch of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an apple.  Dinner - I was away, out, and decided I wanted sushi, so I just got the tuna maki lunch box.  Not sure how many calories that was but it was 9 small maki and it would seem to be around 250-300 calories.

I've grown to really desire sushi because I think it's a healthy meal - fish, rice, seaweed, cucumbers, avocados.  But I look at the sushi menu and find very few sushi combos that sound healthy, just because so many have creamy sauces, cream cheese, mayo, or deep fried ingredients.  Usually I wind up choosing a rainbow roll, and I do love the miso and onion soups to start, though I realize they may have a lot of sodium, I don't really worry about sodium.

So while I was worrying about whether I was starving myself, I stood on the scale and was 4 pounds less than yesterday!  I decided that was unacceptable and continued to futz with the scale until I got it to read 262-262.5.  That gives me room to weigh less tomorrow.  7.5-8 pounds down, 12-12.5 pounds to go.

Now to get those measurements before I've lost all the weight and it's too late!  :-P

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I've reached a new relationship with the hunger.  Instead of feeling all "Oh, I'm hungry, my stomach is an enlarging cavernous pit for me to fill with tasty food" I'm "Oh, I'm hungry, my stomach has shrunk to the size of a walnut, I wonder what I could even manage to eat, nothing sounds really plausible."

I made up a little dinner of some "refried beans" based on my memories of a recipe that I had from ediets.  Smashed up some pinto beans in vegetable broth in a frying pan with minced garlic and salsa and reduced-fat cheese.  I just happened to have all those ingredients.  I also added some more miscellany from my refrigerator as toppings - 3 bread-and-butter pickle chips, 3 black olives, and a quarter of a tomato.  I guess the pickles especially were "creative."

Total calories today:  1334, if my estimations rough out about right.

Oh, I wore my big jeans - from the infamous "before" picture at 285 pounds.  I wanted something to do housework in - so loose enough for movement and sturdy enough for housework - and I remembered these tucked away waiting for a victory photo.  Unfortunately they are really not very loose.  Tightish.  Damn.


Morning.  Weigh-in - I'm callling it 264.  Progress has been made.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


Yesterday I only ate breakfast and lunch, 1155 calories.  But I didn't exercise.  I barely moved! (playing The Sims.)  So today I'm at 265.  7.5 weeks to lose 15 pounds.

I seem to be past the hunger phase.  This probably means I'll lose my hair.

Can't wait to feel lighter on my ailing feet!  And cute clothes, cute clothes.  Time for the next 5.

Monday, October 15, 2012

The scale was a bit hard to pin down this morning.  Let's call it 265.5.

Sometimes when I work, meals are catered.  This can be hard for me to figure out how to deal with.  For a long time when I was on my meal plan, I packed my own meals no matter what and ignored the catering.  Then I got kinda broke and started taking advantage of every opportunity for free anything, including free food.  But often it can be hard to know how much I'm putting on my plate until it's there, and I would also find it very hard not to grab a cookie or something if offered.  Now yesterday I had thrown together a packed lunch based on a meal plan selection - a turkey sandwich and an apple.  Pretty basic.  But there was a catered lunch and so I took advantage.  This lunch wasn't buffet-style- there were packaged lunches that included a meat sandwich, a pack of potato chips, and a cookie.  All of which I ate.  I think that's 3 days in a row I've allowed my lips to touch sweets.  That is my downfall.  The beginning of the end.  So I have to be strong, and try to hang on, or else I'll slip!  ( <--- reference!)  After coming home, I ate my packed lunch for dinner and hopefully everything turned out okay, since it's hard to determine calorie-counts for just any old random meal that pops your way.

I did get a little exercise yesterday pushing some heavy stuff at work, but probably not enough to count as a workout after all.  I have the next 3 days off.  I have so much to do, but exercising is one of those things.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


Meh.  I do wish I didn't still weigh 266 on the second morning after the party as I'm trying to get to 20 pounds lost in 2 months.  I was a good girl yesterday, except that I did a volunteer stint, and they put bowls of candy in front of us, and I had 1 peanut m&m and 11 Skittles.  Not terrible in and of itself, it's just that it's allowing myself a little bit that eventually leads to allowing myself a lot when it comes to those easy carbs.  Anyway, it's a journey.  Still hope to make goal.  Today I'm working somewhere from 8 to 8.  I don't really know what's up with the food situation - whether it's catered or we break for meals.  Either way I've packed a sandwich and an apple, so that should possibly help me make it all the way through the day.

Off to work!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

266! Gained a pound after the party

So, as it turned out, I slept all day yesterday after staying awake until noon trying to fix a glitch in The Sims 2 (and succeeding!)  So when I arrived at the party I was quite hungry, in a pale, tummy-shrunk kind of way.  There was lots of food - veggies and hummus and spinach-artichoke dips and apples and creamcheese-sugar dip and chocolate covered raisins and chocolate-drizzled fruit and fresh salad and chicken-corn chowder which was actually more brothy than chowdery and baking-soda biscuits and peanut butter cookies.  I found myself incapable of overindulging - considering that was all I ate yesterday, I feel pretty darn good about my control and thought it possible I might even  have been well within my calories for the day, but I haven't done the math and I did have some dips and sweets..  So the fact that I weigh a pound more today this morning is really not so astonishing considering how hard I've been hitting it all week previously, and then eating largely healthy "wild-card food" at a party last night.  But I wouldn't have been surprised to have stayed the same or lost, either.

Friday, October 12, 2012

5 pounds down (?)

Well, I've been a very very naughty girl about bedtimes lately.  I force myself to stay awake to do this much more with my laptop.  I recently ventured back into my Sims world for the first time in nearly a year (when a glitch threatened to prevent me from adopting any more babies ever, including two I specifically wanted to adopt.)  So last night I stayed up and actually beat the glitch, but it took me until noon today to do it.......

So I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch as I head off to this dinner party, which sort of frees me up a little bit.  But I should still be mindful!

And I just stood on the scale and it seemed to read 265.  I've lost that first 5 pounds and that is probably necessary to make the jump to being able to reach my goal of 20 in 2 months.

One of my motivators is remembering how it felt to lose weight last time.  Now I can't wait to feel parts hollow out a bit.  God I need to take measurements!

Need to keep going!

Ok.  I made it 5 days.  Big deal.  (Actually this last day I went over - 1900 calories!  Including a glass of wine.  But I had already sort of given myself permission to go a little over calories since I'd been getting so hungry lately and I did take a 37-minute walk - 3 miles per hour - 200 calories - dreading the uphills, my legs tingling madly when it was all over, just from a little walk.  I am definitely in need of continued exercise.)  Here's where it gets complicated - Only 5 days in and already I have a party to attend.  The hostess is preparing the food.  It sounds good.  And healthy.  But I don't think I'm actually ready to veer from the program yet.  I'm going to do it anyway.  And I'm not going to be too lazy or distracted to continue meal planning and go to the grocery store and have it available at home, be ready for my day before I get caught unprepared.

I will have breakfast and lunch as usual and control myself at the party tonight.  She's making a chicken stew, a veggie plate, and dips.  Hmm.  I wonder if those dips will be fatty or not - dips seem like a good way to over-indulge without realizing it.

I know in life there will be these little occasions, and should be.  If only managing my intake and my overweight weren't an issue so I wouldn't have to worry about it.  If only it weren't on the 6th day of my weight loss effort.

But there's nothing else for it but to attempt to control myself and evaluate the damage or lack thereof tomorrow.

As for sweets, should anyone bring anything... just one serving.  I haven't had any sweets in 5 days but after  days of starving myself a little bit, 1 cookie on my tongue could trigger those drug reactions.

My goal will be to not ruin my diet at all!  That would mean ingest only about 500-700 calories at the party.  Keep that in mind, and remember your serving sizes.  There is absolutely no room for seconds in a diet.  Except in the case of sugar free jello.

No kidding, maybe I should take some sugar-free jello as a backup.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


Day 4 - 4 pounds lost.  But that's how it goes in the beginning, right?  I sure don't want to lose my hair in 6 weeks.  I luuuuv my hair.

So, abruptly went from eating every meal at a restaurant and indulging my sweets addiction several times per day to this - weight loss mode  - large grocery bill, food preparation, packing my meals for the day, and dishes.  For 4 days.

Today I will have some exercise at last, but just by taking A Walk.  Looks like a beautiful day out there.

I don't have much to say I guess.  For the past two days I have dealt with pangs of extreme hunger.  I am considering upping my calories to 1800 until weight loss stalls, or incorporating cheat days.  I'm half thinking of going to a restaurant today - either The Original Pancake House or this new vegan place down the street that is quite delicious.  But, I'm afraid if I do that already before new patterns are established, I'll be more likely to lose momentum on my efforts and go right back to my old ways.

On days when I exercise, though, I will eat additional calories - at least for now.

I guess breakfast and a walk are waiting for me.  Yay me! for losing 4 pounds, only 16 more by Dec 7.  How exciting to think how much better-looking I'll look, cuter clothes I'll be able to wear by then!  Maybe life will even be easier on my body and my legs and feet by then!  That is all definitely going to motivate me not to fall back on my goals.

Oh - my calorie count for these first 4 days -

day 1 - 1683
day 2 - 1387
day 3 - 1675
day 4 - 1584

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I. Am. Starving.

My body is throwing a little temper tantrum.  Because my suffering is hilarious, I'm posting.  I'm seriously considering getting a small cup of butternut squash soup, since I have some.  In fact, I think I will, as long as my serving is under 100 calories.  Maybe 1600 calories was too ambitious for a start.  Although yesterday it was less than that.  I have a friend who is getting by on 500 calories and hormone shots for the next 3 weeks.  She's much smaller than me, though, if that makes a difference.  Do differently-sized people have differently-sized appetites to match their differently-sized caloric needs?  Or do poor small women just have to restrict themselves for life and big men get to pig out?
Yes, there was weight loss showing on the scale this morning.  (268.5)  I have begun.  I'm on day threeeeeeeee.  Plththt.  Remarkable - three days without cookies or candy.  I was pretty hungry last night - this morning's breakfast really lived up to its name.  Since I went a little under calories yesterday, I'm not allowing myself to starve myself today.  I used 100-calorie slices of bread (5 today!  a major sandwich day) instead of the 50-calorie slices I used yesterday, and added a half-tablespoon of mayo to my turkey sandwich because I've been a little low on fats and don't understand these dry sandwiches.  I mean, I've never been one to glob tons of mayo on a sandwich but you want to put a thin layer over both sides of bread!  THESE ARE THE RULES!  Anyway.  With that and the dairy additions to my coffees, I'll make it to 1600 today.  I have 7 hours left in my day at work and only dinner and snack.  I try not to purposefully convince myself of the unsatisfactoriness of my small meals when the fact is I'm doing fine and only feel a little hunger as the next mealtime approaches.  Like now - it's been 3 hours since lunch, and I'm thinking about dinner.  Just having a minor mental freakout in response to going on a diet.  Blogging reminds me I'm serious about it.  Hm, was considering having a taste of the butternut squash soup I have in the cabinet at home, but maybe I should stay down around 1600 for today - that is supposed to be my daily level after all.

La la la - I'm gonna make it.  What I should really worry about is whether I have all that I need for tomorrow, including the time and energy to prepare it.

Monday, October 8, 2012

New Whys

I'm gonna make it through the second day just fine, even though there were actually less than 1400 calories in today's total meals.  The question is, will I get up the energy to prepare all of tomorrow's meals before I go to work in the morning.  It is very cold and the barometric pressure is low and I'm gradually falling behind in my sleep.  Hopefully I can go to sleep early and wake up early enough to quietly make my meals in the morning - instead of what I fear may happen - waking up at 2 a.m. and not being able to get back to sleep - that's more my style and it's never a good thing.

Anyway - I have been checking out some of the old guard - people's old blogs and youtube accounts.  Seeing a lot of stuff about stalling and regain.  I guess it can be part of the whole thing.

The first time around when I started in 2009 I really didn't have anyone around me much losing weight.  I did it by myself because I was feeling very solitary at the time, and besides, my requests for weight loss partnerships with, say, my roommate or my Mom, were ignored and avoided.  Now, I think my roommate is dieting again, she might be losing weight.  A woman at work has been losing a lot of weight on this big program.  Several people I know who were really just skinny people who let themselves go a bit were able to lose weight and apparently keep it off (bastards.)  Meanwhile my weight gain continued and I just didn't think about it except when my clothes stopped fitting.

I did at least stall out at around 265-270 months ago, instead of climbing ALL the way back up to the 285 I started from initially!  And that last time, I also set an initial goal of just losing 20 pounds, which would have brought be down to 265, which is just a little more than where I am not.  Right now I'm aiming for 250 by the end of November.

Last time I started dieting, I was motivated mostly by the following:
- I hated taking face pics of myself for Myspace or Facebook, I couldn't look anything but awful
- I hated how the part of my belly above the belly button had pushed out over the top of the bottom part, making most jeans feel absolutely horrible on me.  I hate the feeling of my upper belly hanging out over my waistband, it feels like a rash or a hangnail to me.

This time around I have the above but I also have others.  Since I was so recently so much less fat, the change back has brought about icky feelings, like when I lie in bed and feel my chin fat press against my chest fat - it feels gross and I have to put a bandana or something between them.  I don't remember that being a big problem for me before I lost weight - but I do remember how cool it felt when my chin and chest fat started to stop being so connected, like how it felt when my belly fat started to sink away under my skin.  I would luxuriate in bed and feel the changes as they happened in my new body.  Similarly, sitting in chairs or booths that crowd you, crossing your arms over your large belly so as not to crowd those next to you...

My clothes - all those cute clothes I bought and felt great to fit into - don't fit me anymore.  I want to wear them again.

And then there's the problem of aches in my knees and feet.  The knee and the strain over the top of my feet (and some unpleasant bone- or cartilage-popping in my feet) started a few years ago I guess, but I can't help thinking it might feel better if I didn't carry this extra weight.  I know you don't have to be overweight to have bad knees.  I have an aunt who was a dancer, then - I'm not sure which happened first, bad knees or obesity.  Anyway, now she has both, especially bad knees.  I never wanted to be the person with bad knees.  I don't want to give into that.  I want to take good care of my knees.  And feet.

Yet I also want to run again.  But I'm far from that right now.

And energy.  I don't have any.  That might have more to do with exercise than being fat.  I've been taking medication to regulate my thyroid for over a year now and apparently it's at the right number.  My strength and verve has depleted noticeably even since the days before my start in 2009.  I may just be getting old, but that's not entirely a good enough excuse - other people are getting old too.

So there we are.  I probably missed some good reasons, but I must have forgotten them at the moment.

Oh, and another good point.  When I was thinner, I lost all the fat layer over my shinbones, and scraped perma-scars into the middle of both leg shaving, creating what I figured was scar tissue that I would then slice off again another time shaving.  I was feeling around in the spongy tissue over my bone last night and I don't feel those bumps on either leg, so maybe, just maybe, they've had a chance to heal.

Can't wait to stand on the scale tomorrow!  Start the downward trend!  Will report back in the morning.

Morning Report - No Loss - Disappointing

Blog title says it all.  Day 2 weight is the same as Day 1.  I really hoped for 2-5 pounds of water weight loss already!  After all those trips to the toilet last night, and this morning.  Maybe that pasta salad was terrible after all.  Ok.  Day 2.  My body will have to relent!  No pasta salad for me for lunch today.  Just a skimpy turkey sandwich and a pear.  A bit worried about getting hungry am I.  But what's a little hunger?  I'll tell you, it's the key to better results tomorrow morning!

Sunday, October 7, 2012


Day One Success!

I gave myself a starting weight of 270, but I want to get a new scale...  hm...  thinking...

Prepared all my food for today last night and put it in tons of little tupperware containers.

Ate breakfast a little later in the morning - cottage cheese and strawberries.  Not suffering yet.

Lunch was a huge pasta and veggie toss with goat cheese.  I had to force my way through it.  My skinny male friend saw my pasta salad and said it looked like lunch AND dinner, and part of breakfast.  I did a calorie round-up on the pasta, afraid it putting me over my caloric goals for the day.  Apparently tricolor rotini varies in its nutritional breakdown.  It turns out that particular lunch - pasta-veggie toss and a cup of canned pineapple, is an 877-calorie meal.  That doesn't feel like it makes sense for a 1600-calorie meal plan.

At work, doughnuts were offered, popcorn was popped and smelled tempting, but it was easily resisted.

I went out after the concert with my parents and they got two appetizers and I didn't eat any at all.  I told them "Today's my first day on a 1600-calorie per day plan."  "GOOD FOR YOU!"  Meh.  When I'm fat, Dad demonizes everything I eat.  We went out for Mom's birthday to a Mexican restaurant, and before we left I grabbed a chocolate pudding cup from their cabinet because they've always got them in stock and I love them.  I joked "I hope this doesn't ruin my appetite."  "Hallie!  You're awful!"  He was chastising me for Eating While Fat.  Meanwhile, at the restaurant, he pigged out on enough Mexican food to feed an entire Mexican family and I left half mine on the plate.  But it's okay 'cuz he's not fat.

I just finished off my dinner and my calorie count.  It was 1683 calories, give or take for estimation.  Clean, nutritious food.  I've peed twice tonight and hope that it means I'm already losing some water weight.  Down 20 pounds is 2 months!

I should do measurements too, since I hope to start exercising.

I haven't been hungry yet.  I figure that might start tomorrow, though, if my body starts to feel a little more starvy.  I remember when I started ediets in 2009, it was on the second day that I scarfed down my tuna-tomato-avocado rice cakes like they were the most amazing food in the world "SO DELICIOUS" I hissed like Gollum for my roommate to hear, but I think I was just hungry - later that particular meal never struck me as being all that good.

Ok, I've got to make all my food for tomorrow for a successful Day Two.

New start tomorrow

Hey.  Timidly I reappear here, knowing this blog was intended to be instructional on how to succeed at a time that I was so sure I was losing the weight forever.  I've gained almost all of it back.  But I cling to that "almost."  It would appear I've been static at about 265-270 for over 6 months - that's pretty stable.  No particular eating plan, no dieting at all, as much food, candy, ice cream as I feel like, and no exercise.  When I start to feel my under-chin fat pressing against my over-clavicle fat while watching hulu in bed, things really are starting to get desperate.  I miss liking my thinner face.  And my body feels strained - my knees, ankles, feet - everything.  Yet for the past 3 days I managed to still not get any exercise.  I really want to start exercising again, and not just start, but keep at it long enough to feel a difference, if it's not too late, if I'm not too old, and knowing people who started running in their 40s, I think I'm not too old, I just FEEL too old.

Tomorrow I go on 1600 calories.  I printed up some 1600-calorie meal plans I found online and went shopping for them.  The meals seem a bit sparse.  I'm trying not to focus too much on the fear of not having enough to eat - I will live, I will be fine.  I'm focusing more on the joy of knowing that in just 2 months I should be fully 20 pounds lighter.  I have the groceries to last me this week.  I just have to get exercising and stick to the diet and deny myself ANY extras.

I've had a bunch of false restarts in the last entries of this blog - you know how it can go.  There is shame in promising to be adherent and then failing.  But it seems wrong not to acknowledge the start.  This time I do feel more motivated.  20 pounds gone in 2 months!