Saturday, February 27, 2010

Weigh-in Results Feb 27, 210

Okay, there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that I'm 210 pounds today. Up from the 205 I was at before New York City, and down from 214 that I was at after New York City. However, this was not unanticipated, although I DO wish it was less, but I am getting what I deserve and continuing on.

(*Edit - actually I just realized that I only got as low as 206.6, so 210 isn't really that much of a gain.)

The good news is in measurements. Day before yesterday I blogged about feeling differences in my body with my hands and feeling from other parts of my body (that I can't see with my eyes or tell from the fit of my clothes.) These measurements tell me that my hands and skin are possibly not hallucinating.

One thing that occurs to me about not being able to see the difference in the mirror is that, when I was 285, I had a faulty image of what I looked like. So now I look more like what I thought I looked like then, so I don't see so much of a difference.

The last time I measured myself I was also 210. This time some of the measurements are the same, but some are notably different. Take, for example, my infamous "waist" measurement, which I measure around the protrusion of upper belly fat over the belly button - it is down 3/4 of an inch! From 44.25" to 43.5". (My actual waist measurement, I would take through the belly button crease, is more like 41.5".)

My hips measurement is truly baffling, I have no idea where to take it - it's a very lumpy area for me and I don't know whether the "widest" part of my hips should be all the way down around my butt or up around my lower belly or somewhere in the middle. I just wrote 45". My waist is smaller than my hips and my chest - I've always wanted to be hourglassy. :-)

My calf has gone down, too, I'm happy to say. I'm all about some big strong round calves, but I haven't been happy with mine lately - they're down nearly 1/2". No difference in my thighs though.

Although I will say that I have observed as my thighs slimmed, the revelation of what seems like little saddlebags out on the sides. I know that many women hate their saddle bags, but I actually welcome mine. Being a "pear" is a step up from being an "apple" and if these bags make me more of a "pear" (even if only in my mind) then I'm happy - don't want to be a ball on two little sticks! I want full hips and legs.

Anyhoo - I guess one takes what one can get.

Oh, and the neck measurement went down a tuft, too.

Now, sparkpeople also has a place to track changes in you energy level, sleep quality, self-esteem, and stress level. For me, these haven't changed at all. I still have low-moderate energy, high sleep quality, low stress, and moderate self-esteem, which only vary according to the weather or my emotional reaction to my upcoming deadlines.

So... I'm back on track and yet... Yesterday I kept cheating. Bald-facedly. I had an extra 500 calories when it was all said and done - from candy. It was a long long day and I hadn't had enough sleep and I just did it.

I'm keeping in mind my goals for my body when I try to keep at the exercise. I did yoga the other day for the first time in a while I guess, and my body has been hurting from it. I still feel the effects today, so I guess I will wait until tomorrow before doing yoga again. I guess today I'll do a walk, and I should leave soon since it's already mid-afternoon, and this is the coldest winter in 40 years. But I'm hungry and must have my oat bran and apple and coffee first.

Friday, February 26, 2010

I feel different.

Every time I come in contact with my own body now, I feel different. I may not see it in the mirror so much, but my sense of touch feels it. Right now with my legs crossed - it feels really different. I grabbed my belly fat, it felt different - like there was less of it - like I was smaller. I grab my waist and feel my ribs and obliques underneath now - they're right there. The relationship of my elbow and inner arms to the sides of my torso has changed, and the new bumps and interactions feel novel. I reach my arm way up across my back. I grab my shoulders.

As Spock might say... "Fascinating. ...Now shut up."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

February 24, weight irrelevant

Just several things.

Weight was high - 213.5 - 214.5 I'm not reacting to that weight yet - giving it a couple days for water-retention to go out. On top of everything else, I was apparently menstrual today which confuses me because didn't I just do that? I was so very irregular until about the age of 27, when suddenly I became as regular as clockwork - I kept tabs because I was fascinated by it. Eventually I stopped keeping track, and now I'm not sure how regular I am anymore. Maybe it really has been a month since the last time. Seems like it was just a week or two ago. Anyway.

I stood on the scale at the gym and it read 221. Now, I've known from the beginning that my scale might be light - and what matters isn't my actual weight, but the difference that shows on the scale, which is why I have to always use the same scale and same rituals to get a reading and make a comparison. My brother says he stood on the scale and it read 160 and, after a conversation with his girlfriend, they rationalized that he must weigh more than that. Now I'm not sure. I think they just might be dealing with an awkwardness that she weighs more and he weighs less than they think a man and woman should.

Anyway - what it means is - when I reach Onederland... I might not really be in Onederland. If I decide to start my next session weighing with a more accurate scale, I'll have to reach Onederland again. How awkward.

Back last week when I thought I had a lot of money, I treated myself to a $6 body fat measuring tool from I had a chance to try it today and got a measurement of about 29.5% body fat.

One of the women's fitness mags features "Hollywood's best bodies" and I was a little interested at how waistless the women all were. Only Jewel had what I would call an enviable hip to waist ratio. I saw on Stephen's blog that he was advised to put up 3 pictures in his room of someone who looks like what he wants to look like. I don't know if I should aim for Jewel - I'm an apple. But I personally like to be strong without looking hard or rippled - so I will need SOME fat to go over my muscles. I thought the photo inspiration might be good for me - but the idea of poring through pictures of women and looking at their bodies sounds like a chore.

It's nice to have a neck again and be able to wear necklaces. That's really all there is to be said there.

I went and worked out today - 35 minutes on the elliptical. I don't seem to be gaining power or strength, so I figured maybe I would just start doing more minutes of cardio. Actually, it was TOUGH on the elliptical today. I didn't come close to my typical levels. After about 20-25 minutes, I could feel my ovaries in revolt. My menses was weakening me greatly. And maybe dehydration, a lot of wine last night, and making the mistake of drinking a sugar-free Red Bull just before stepping on the machine - not a good time to assault the heart!

I made a poster - a chart - to help me visualize my progress/success in my goals over the next month.

Today - I had a light breakfast - eggs and toast with apple butter and milk and an orange was just over 300 calories. Then I decided to have pesto at a restaurant - it's one of those things I've been meaning to strike off my to-do list because I'd never had pesto before. So I had some chicken and penne in a pesto sauce, with salad and vinaigrette, and bread and butter. And I finished my plate even though I was full, because it was good. Add that to the Cadbury creme egg I had, and I tried to guess at the calories for sparkpeople and it went just barely over 1700 calories - I have no idea.

Getting back in the swing of things was absolutely easy here at home. But I did have to create another meal plan for the next week and go to the grocery store and that was a lot of time out of my day.

Guess that's it. Soooo sleepy.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

i'm back

I've been gone a while. I went to New York City and had a marvelous vacation - outside of my normal surroundings and circumstances. I forgot my former life, and forgot my former dedication. Instead, I lived it up in my temporary time. I have returned with a cold - my brother showed the first symptoms and we were sleeping in the same bed, so I'm sure that's when I caught it.

Even after getting home Sunday night/Monday morning, it has taken me until today, until now, Tuesday at 6:30, to start trying to remember my efforts. Yesterday I stayed at my parents' place - sick, waiting to pick up my car from the auto mechanic, posting pictures to facebook, and eating cold food like chicken noodle soup and saltines and grapefruit juice and oranges. Frankly, I'm still eating for my cold, though I do feel better today than I did yesterday, I'm not up for a cardio workout!

I figured I'd drop by blogger to help get myself back in the mode. I will eventually read back over some of your entries, but I'll never read them all and I kind of want to read The Lovely Bones tonight. However, some time before tomorrow I absolutely need to be prepared with some idea of what I will eat and what exercise goals I must reset for myself.

I did step on the scale and was displeased, but I reminded myself not to hold that number too tightly until I've had a couple days for the water weight to pour out.

I do wonder, after this weekend, if I will ever be able to learn to just eat a healthy amount of food, naturally. Frankly, I don't think so. I could try but I feel like I'm going to have to rely on meal planning and calorie counting to get by for a long long time.

The good news for this weight loss effort is that we are entering spring/summer mode which presents very few diet interruptions. It is a season for dieting. What if - just what if - I could wear a bathing suit without a big belly sticking out in front of me - this summer?????

Monday, February 15, 2010

Feb 15, 206.2

Yesterday was full of sweets.

In the short-term, I really didn't lose control, or splurge, the way I might have in the past. I lost control only a little.

It started when, at work, people bring in all these sweets. Seriously, if they brought in chips and dips or chili or whatever else I would be ok, but - I had to sample the pound cake (1 square inch) and 1 of each of the two flavors of chocolate chip cookie (they were small but chewy - 1 square inch each) and then - !! - someone brought in fudge - choclate fudge and peanut butter fudge. I had one of each and then I wound up having 3 or 4 pieces of the peanut butter fudge just because it was so exotic to me - I have peanut butter fudge about once every 10 years. 1 square inch each.

Then, after midnight, I went out to buy 50% off Valentine's candy. 1 Russell Stove strawberry heart was rich enough to satisfy me, but I then had 2 Bailey's Irish Cream chocolates and about 8 Russell Stover chocolates. All told my calorie intake for yesterday was nearly 3000. Still, I weigh less today, probably due to my menses. So exciting!

I guess the point of this blog was supposed to be that all last night I looked at those chocolates like I was supposed to be greedy for them, but I wasn't. Probably due to the fudge earlier in the day, but also possibly due to a change in what my system is used to, it was all too easy to not reach out for another chocolate. (It was almost disappointing!)

Anywayz. Laterz.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Feb 14, 206.6

Wooo! It's TODAY! I'm sure it read at less than 207, but maybe not so low as 206.5 - I'm claiming 206.6 and it's my lowest weight of my adult life! WOO!

Gotta go!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Feb 13, 207

Official weigh-in day. Yesterday was sort of a light-calorie day and I was hoping for a very VERY exciting weigh-in, but instead I'm still pretty 207. (It can be hard to read that scale!) If I were less than 207 I'd be weighing less than ever and there would be many exclamation points. Instead, I have only achieved my previous low weight. Meh.

On the other hand - I feel VERY bloated and didn't get enough sleep last night, so I actually expect to see the 206-iness soon this week. On the other hand, we're going to New York City this weekend, and I don't expect to return without having gained a little poundage, which I'll have to re-lose.

So when I look at the chart and see that after my agony in January with not seeing the progress I was looking for, I can now see a standard 2-pounds-per week kind of trend going on, and (without New York City) I could easily see myself reaching my 198 by my March 28 goal - it falls on the "schedule" to happen by March 20. But if I miss it by a week or two, remind me that that's ok.

Well, I'm mostly just blogging because I'm postponing having to go to work. I feel so sleepy and crampy I just don't see myself getting in a third workout this week. Don't bug me about it! grr.

Friday, February 12, 2010

random thoughts at 207

So at work this week.

First of all, I've been getting more popular with the local stagehands union since I've been working more with them. A lot of the stagehands are men. My popularity is not only with the men, not at all. But I'm taking lots of little incidents and adding them all together to make a generalization that makes me wonder if I'm being 'considered an option' or whatever. Some of the men who've always seemed to like me are showing it more. This is hardly to say I think all the men are attracted to me. Most I don't get that feeling from, and even those that I do get vibe from, well, I have learned to doubt my intuition in these matters and consider they're just being friendly. I don't know how much of it has to do with my changing form and how much of it has to do with my increasing presence and popularity with them, but I'm finding it harder to be ignored and left alone at work, is all. I'm finding it hard to balance the desire to prettify myself and the desire to stop unwanted attention before it starts so I can zone off by myself undisturbed.

For sure I haven't been feeling very sexy lately. Not nearly as much as I did when I was fat, or probably more to the point, before I had the sexy knocked out of me by one discouragement after another.

One of them this week asked me - "You look good, you've been losing weight haven't you?" And, unlike most of you, I'm not overwhelmingly positive about these kinds of comments. I feel like I have always been deserving, and do not desire greater acceptance based on my weight. I suppose that is "fighting the tide" but frankly it's just my perspective and my resentment about the way the world is. On the other hand, the comments that I do get are always intended in a friendly and empathetic way, as if they themselves had to battle the bulge themselves from time to time or had a loved one who struggled with their weight... It never comes across as a i-hate-fat-people thing. But I don't want this to make me any different in others' eyes. I feel the same and I don't want to be more popular just for being thinner.

Of course, in other social arenas of my life I feel I've decreased in popularity, so... ...that's another story... :-/

I guess I am just being wary of getting new better treatment based on my looks. I prefer having the people in my life who already see me and know me for who I am with that not being tinted by what I look like. They are not treating me any different, and that's worth a bunch to me.

So I answered 'S' - "Yes, I've been dieting for about a year now." He said, "That's the way to do it, nice and slow. So are you where you want to be, are you happy now?"

I said, "No I'm not happy. I still have goals I want to achieve."

He said he understood, that his daughter went through it. And that made me feel a little bit better about the whole conversation.

So yeah, if you saw my pictures from yesterday, you would have seen that I'm still waiting for that belly to go away!

On the other hand, I realized this morning that I'm so lucky to still have my boobs. I have loved them so. I'm not sure about the cleavage though.

This morning the scale actually read 207. 207 is important. 207 is the smallest weight I've weighed in my entire adult life. When I weigh less than 207, I'll weigh less than I have my entire adult life. I don't know if I can expect that tomorrow though, because today I ate a turkey sub with potato chips and dill spear from a restaurant. With a pear and an orange, that's all I had today! And still I went over on calories! From just one meal! I ate half in one sitting and half in another sitting. I've had this sandwich before and it's an old favorite, so I decided to have it again today. The bread and the mayonnaise are fantastic. I figured that the mayo is probably not light, and I had the cheese on the 1st half, but after seeing how many calories was in that cheese, and knowing I don't care about that cheese, I easily removed it from the 2nd half. Obviously I wanted the mayo, but I should have probably got rid of those potato chips - that was a lot of calories and I knew it would be. All told, sparkpeople seems to indicate that it was still about 2000 calories today.

All from one meal. And that's how I used to eat. I could have eaten it all in one sitting today too, but knowing about how many calories it was, I knew I shouldn't and that I needed to ascertain the caloric impact before continuing on to the 2nd half, I forced myself to stop.

Sparkpeople has been a boon for me. After months of sticking to a prescribed meal plan (which was great because it broke me from the old ways and showed me what my meals should look like) I am now feeling more liberated and empowered to make my own meal choices.

That said, I need to go make a plan for ediets for next week, and go to the grocery store tomorrow for my new meal plan.

After 207, it will be another 4.5 pounds down to 202.5 to get to "overweight". How exciting! And yet - I didn't realize it was so far away! I thought I was *almost* there. Maybe I'm actually 5'10. I don't know, I might actually be 5'10.

You know what, I did feel kind of slender and graceful and sexy tonight, when I was doing yoga. I bought these fantastic leotard-type spandexy thermal undershirts and a new pair of yoga tights and did yoga tonight. (Completed the entire session and really could feel myself able to fold over myself more.) At one point I was bent over and opened my eyes and saw... that little teardrop opening that happens between the pelvis and the thighs. When I first discovered that thin-thighed women's thighs were separated, I was freaked out. It didn't seem natural to me. Now check me out with my separating thighs. Ha! However will it affect my knock-kneed legs. :-P

Oh, ok, one more thing. I'm all like at the gym, working out like always, my heart rate is basically above the suggested cardio rate most of the time, at peak. I listen to my body and this feels to me like the right place to be - to go slower wouldn't feel like a workout. I'm not really pushing myself a lot, but when the ramp goes up to levels 10-13, it gets a little harder to push and my heart rate goes into the 160s. It always does and it feels like an appropriate workout to me. But, the guy next to me is at elevation 9 or 10, with resistance 9 or 10, and he's going faster than me and his heart rate is a measly 136. A heart rate of 136 for me would be like crawling. I didn't take a good look at him, but he seemed a slender athletic body type in his early 30s perhaps. It made me question the differences in our bodies at that moment, our muscles, our cardiovascular response... Always, when I workout cardiovascularly, I always aim for a heart rate of 150+ and how does he go so much faster than me and keep his heart rate so low and does this mean I'm not as healthy as I feel like I am?

Oh, one more thing: a few of my favorite new finds:

Amy's vegetable korma (organic) (frozen dinner) - the mutter paneer was not so great but I'm eager to try some of the others.

oikos yogurt, but you already knew about that

South Beach high protein snack bars. Amazingly, I didn't reach for the chocolate-flavored ones, but the cranberry-almond ones. Easy and just right for a snack. Almost too filling if taken with beverage.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Pics of me at 210, 75 pounds lost

I finally made it to get my progress pictures taken. Pictures of me at around 210, having lost 75 pounds. Observe my belly issues. I have cut my feet off because these are my size 16s and they are too short for me. I will update my progress pics page with these pictures.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Abs and advice on the iPod?

Really liked that ab workout from a few days ago. Short and sweet, not too hard, but definitely feeling the results. I can't wait to start up again, but I'm waiting for my abs to not hurt so much. Maybe tomorrow. I know that as the abs strengthen I'll be able to do them more often. Meanwhile, not getting in any workouts this week, but that's largely because I've been working! Although I could have gone to the gym today but so far I've wasted it. 'Bout to get up and get something done. I'm sure I'll get some exercise before I go to bed tonight, whether it's a 30 minute walk through the fancy part of town, or hitting the gym after work tonight.

Yesterday I forgot and left my lunch at home, which threw me off-kilter and for some reason I decided to have 1 1/2 doughnuts and a brownie. All told it was only about 800-1000 calories over, if my calorie counts can be trusted. And next week I'm spending 4 days on a trip to NYC - woo, don't know what that'll do for my diet but oh well we'll see. It's NYC for 4 days so it supercedes diet if need be. Anyway, today I was over 210 pounds again which I didn't like to see.

I am thinking about getting the iPod - have been trying to convince myself I want one for the longest time (it's one of the rewards offered by my credit card company) and can't convince myself that I want it. I figured that having the mp3 player would be great, but I don't need an iPod to have an mp3 player. Then I figured I could keep notes on it when I get ideas and I'm out and about, things I want to remember. And now I'm thinking about So now my only question is whether I can access the internet easily enough to make it worthwhile. We have a neighbor's wi-fi here at home, but the iPod isn't for at home, it's for out and about. My roommate loves her iPhone but when she said she "only" pays $100 per month for everything, I felt like that was a lot (since I only pay $40 per month now for phone service, which is a damn sight more than I feel like I use it. If I used a pay phone at 50-cents per call I'd probably only pay $10 per month!)

Monday, February 8, 2010

adding in ab work

Dunno how many readers remember reading back in the beginning of this blog from last summer, but I have been avoiding ab work. Apart from yoga or maybe pilates or trying that bellydance DVD (I tried the bellydance DVD again today, but without the remote I can't get to the tutorial section to learn the moves >:-P) Anyway, at the grocery store the other day I saw Oxygen magazine featured an ab routine as its cover story so I bought it and I'm going to do it. I did it today, it wasn't too difficult, doesn't take up time so there really aren't any excuses now that there's not as much of me to squunch up. Even if no one can see my abs, maybe this will tighten me up and anyway we all know how important a strong core is for a strong and centered body and graceful movements, so I'm looking forward to investigating the improvements.

Also a quick "NSV" - the past day or so I've been feeling very squunchy, like there's less fat inside my skin and the skin around my legs, thighs and butt especially can be bobbled about. It's a little disconcerting actually, but we'll see. Anyway, while I was kneeling to deal with the DVD player with the bellydancing DVD, I noticed immediately that my calves and thighs collapsed into each other more and my butt very nearly was cradled in my feet. This is a big difference for me. Kneeling for me has always meant crushing the fat behind my knees and not being able to sit on my feet, and even though it doesn't hurt at all, pretty soon the blood would stop flowing and I couldn't hold a kneeling posture more than a few minutes.

Yesterday I had a family day and as a result of that went a little above my calories. Since my brother is watching what he eats these days, we went to Vietnamese instead of Mexican (where my Dad wanted to go) - interesting since I can hardly imagine if my brother wanted Mexican and I wanted to eat light that I would get to nix the Mexican restaurant without being made to feel like shit about it.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Feb 6, 208.5, but I weighed in at 209

Remember last week when I was so hungry, and Sunday when I lost control and binged? Well, ever since then, I've been getting less and less hungry every day. I went without most of my food today and only finally ate a little of my dinner mostly because I wanted to try the turkey stew, not because I wanted to eat. In fact, the idea of eating so late disturbed me to think of this morning's weigh-in. Eh, whatever. As long as I'm still below 210. And I am.

And my gosh, you can really tell it when you pull out clothes that you wore back then. In 2006 I went to San Francisco and went into a souvenir shop to buy a jacket to keep me warm there. So disheartening that there were no jackets there that I liked that would fit me. I wound up buying the one I have on now. I filled it then. Now I'm swimming in it. Under that I'm wearing a red velour top that I haven't been able to wear for a long time, but I kept it in case I ever lost weight because it was just that lovely and perfect for me. And today it fits well. (It's actually going to be too big soon!)

I've lost over 75 pounds, it's time for more progress pics. Laterz.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Feb 4, 208.5

Ever wanted a boy to like you, and you do all these things to get a smile or a sweet word from him, and he withholds his sweetness and ignores you and then even does something to offend you, and so you get miffed and say "Screw this" and get a little icy with him, and then he starts treating you nice, but you don't trust him now so you just back off, and then he starts treating you extra nice and trying to make you feel if you just would melt a little then you two could cuddle in rose petals and sunsets, and yet you feel like if you give him an inch he'll take it from you and start giving you the cold shoulder again? That's how I feel about yesterday's 210 and today's 208.5. Hmph.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Feb 3, 210

Well after Sunday's unscheduled splurge I did not suffer any consequences on the scale. In fact, today the scale read an undeniable 210. However, I still feel stuffed into these size 16s when I sit down. I held 210 up as a great sign of impending joy and victory, but the way I reached it has me dubious. I mean, hey, it's the lowest my scale's read so far and that's meaningful, I know. But I don't feel like celebrating. Not yet. I'll wait a few days.

A couple NSVs - have I mentioned yet how happy I am that the hump on the back of my neck and shoulders is practically gone? The whole neck and shoulders area definitely became more shapely. I appear to have clavicle. And the other NSV is a possible reduction in waist size - and when I say "waist size" what I'm really measuring is the part of my belly over my belly button that juts out. I'm really focused on it. Even though losing weight has really done my backside no favors, I seem to be focusing all my attention to my belly as a goal.

Now that I've signed in to blogger, I realize that I have been wasting my time this afternoon and that if I get up and do a little more focused work on my job today, I could get in a workout which is sorely overdue, and hopefully even get to the gym before the 5:00 rush.

Last night I left my laptop charger at the theatre, so when my laptop ran out of power, that was it for me. I loved it. I wish I could learn from these lessons. I cracked open some books and studied foreign languages again like I love to do. I tried again to set some weekly and monthly goals with to work toward major lifetime goals of mine. So I'm actually considering creating a new blog to deal with those weekly/monthly goals and lifetime aspirations. I could just journal it at home. I think the reason I'm compelled to do it online is that the people in my life don't do much chasing of their own dreams, don't inspire me to pursue mine. If I get to where I'm ready to share this blog with others, I'd hope it would inspire them to get off their assses and stop playing computer games, so they could inspire me back and create a positive-energy-cycle. Plus, there would be accountability if I did it online and anybody actually tuned in. I don't know, just a thought.

As for the weight loss thing, I am still sticking to the ediets meal plan and aspiring to work out three times a week.

Oh! One thing I did last ngiht was pull out a book called something like "The Merit Badge Book for Grownup Girls" or something and there was a section on sports and health and I realized something that I think I've been realizing for a while as I consider the relative merits of cardio exercise type stuff and more holistic and naturalistic type exercise programs such as dance and yoga, walking and swimming - and that is that - while the cardio machines may bring greater cardiovascular calorie burns and weight training may bring about more immediate results in muscular strength (at least in that certain direction of that certain motion) - when I VISUALIZE the sort of person I want to be, I see a woman who excels in the more holistic/natural styles of physical activity. Not so much a gym rat. There is still a part of me that would like to run 2 miles, but when I considered my vision of my ideal self, at this point it seems it's not as important to me in the long run.

That said, I may keep doing the cardio/weights thing exclusively for the month of February as I try to achieve more results, and then transition into a real focus on the other kinds of activity in March or so. It'll be a good time for hiking and jogging, that's for sure. Even yoga doesn't seem appealing in cold weather!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Feb 1, 212 or so

I've been away from blogger because I don't have the time to devote to it right now, but also because I completely lost my shit on Sunday. Here's what all contributed:

* I did not take the time to properly prepare for the day.
* I was stressed out and felt like I had to rush for work.
* I was stressed out about work and yet my thoughts were racing on emotional stuff
* I decided to eat freestyle, and I started the day full of WANT - WANT for those Quaker Oatmeal Squares, so it was a large bowl of quaker oatmeal squares for breakfast, and then a lot of candy and fast food - it was hard to stuff down those 3000+ calories, but I realized that if I became at all complacent, it would get easy, and I freaked out about being at the bottom of the yo-yo and gaining it all back. I felt that helpless. I certainly didn't feel inspirational. I'm tired of my blog being full of excuses. Without a road map for the day, my underlying eating habits seem to have not changed very much. I felt lost, clueless, and rebellious. You'd think I were pre-menstrual, and maybe I am.

So not only did it start with an attitude of laissez-faire, "anything goes," which ran right over any attempts to monitor and moderate myself, but also I did not have strongly developed new habits to accommodate freestyle. AT SOME POINT, this will have to come. I've known this since the beginning, but the question is when.

Maybe it was just a one-day thing, maybe all my calorie trimming last week put me into some kind of starvation mode that made me susceptible to a stressful day.

At any rate, it seems like I write more and more about failings here and it makes me nervous about having hit the bottom and that I'm going to start regaining, and I need to pull back and regroup for myself. Which can happen. I feel stronger and more discliplined today. If the gym were open now, I'd go work out. Instead, I'm going to the grocery store to buy for my next week's meal plan which I planned tonight while waiting for rehearsal to start.

The scale this morning read about 211-212 again, despite yesterday's indiscretion. I figured that would change, and tomorrow if I see an increase on the scale I'll know.

Back to patience, back to methodical, and seriously start working on a meals book. Back to dishes and daily kitchen cleaning, and back to inward zen focus, and stop the externally-focused longing. I have a goal. I am a dieter. I'm going to get where I'm going and stay there and be an inspiration to my friends and loved ones, for real this time. For real.