Monday, February 21, 2011

Yay 12 pounds down now

Yay I stood on the scale today and at first it wanted to stop at 225 and that excited me. Then, it worked it was back up to 226, 227. I'm going with 227 because that is still a loss. If I go with 225 I stand a chance of being disappointed again tomorrow.

Yesterday I worked two load-outs, about 5 hours each. My body is sore, especially my legs. I had time before the first one for breakfast, and time between the first and second ones for lunch and snack. By the time I got home from the last one at 3:30 a.m., I was tired and - having already partially prepared dinner and knowing I was going to sleep soon anyway and could go to sleep without eating anything but ought to eat at least some of the dinner I'm prescribed - well I had a tidge of fish and a boiled potato (which was supposed to have been 4-5 ounces of fish and a yogurt-potato salad.) So maybe that's what explains my loss today. Or maybe it's been happening under my water retention all along.

OH! My roommate brought home some cheesecake last night and offered me a piece. I accepted the offer (after initially balking "WHAT? NO!!") but I haven't had it yet.

Cheesecake? Really?

Anyway, day off today. Gotta get a new meal plan and head to the grocery store. Gonna soak my aching muscles and dry, dirty skin in a bath, then we'll just see about some exercise. Some yoga would feel great, but I have to time it so I have an empty stomach.

12 pounds down. 28 long arduous pounds to go to get to 199. 47 to 180.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

moving along

Sooo. Can't remember when I last blogged - a few days ago - but I can see when I last updated my ticker was 6 days ago and it doesn't register the bump up I had to back over 230 calories. Honestly, I can hardly remember what it was. Long days, or leaving the house and forgetting my snack, lead to being left on my own and my free-spirited urges. Oh, yeah, I remember last Wednesday - a long full day and several sweets. 1st a plate of some kind of rich, sweet, buttery chocolatey concoction was placed before me and I resisted for a while, then had one piece, which turned into 3. Then after lunch I went and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie off the tray simply because the opportunity was there (oo, they weren't there for me! basically I was engaging in 'getting away with it' against the foe, authority, and winning a free cookie, but kicking myself in the ass in the process. besides, the cookie sucked.) And the day went on, oh yes, much later I went into a convenience store and they had Cadbury creme eggs on display and I "allowed" myself 2, and a bar of Belgian chocolate. So, the scale went up.

And I think that some time, maybe the next day, there was a Big Mac sandwich. I don't remember the circumstances, I think it was in lieu of the scheduled dinner.

And, as you do, I got back on track on the days I wasn't as busy, and lost weight again, but it's going slow and tentatively like this.

I also haven't been exercising and realize this sucks when I realize how much I don't want to. That's not going to be a good enough excuse next week, though. Although, I have to say, at this point I don't know whether I'll be working next week or not. If a call comes in, I will take it! Otherwise, there will be some regular exercise going on.

So, I'm back on track, except that I'm drinking. And that's working ok for me, as far as I can tell. Until I notice it's a problem for my diet, I will continue to allow myself the wine and liquor. (As a substance, I'm really kind of getting concerned about whether I do have a caffiene issue.) But, like last night, I went to the theatre, I had two full glasses of wine over the course of the evening. And after the play, I wanted to go somewhere and cut loose. Part of me wanted to go to some late-night diner or club for some food, drink, dancing, flashing lights, loud music. These things all go together for me, and these feelings of restlessness can be exacerbated by the cycle, or by life circumstances, or by having 2 full glasses of wine when you're on a diet and so more susceptible to the effects of alcohol (especially the romantic whirl of wine!)

I guess I'm saying... All the time I see people posting that they are fat because they have emotional issues, they eat to self-medicate, food replaces friendships, etc etc etc... I try to see that in myself, that this fat is symptomatic of inner suffering - and I can't. I think I like food. I think it tastes good, feels good going down, and that sometimes those two things are worth more good than the feeling of being stuffed or sick afterward is bad. I think I can get biochemically attached to sugar. I think when I was a kid, in my family, the concept of filling your plate and stuffing yourself at the dinner meal was celebrated. Yes, I did and do have suffering, emotional pain, emotional immaturity - I do and I recognize this and I recognize that sometimes it results in poor behavior choices including poor food choices. But I don't think they are the source for me. I think for me it's going to be about behavior modification, relearning, reading my own biology - crap like that. When I think about my binges, it could be that my emotions, positive OR negative, could be a factor in my "oh fuck it" attitude toward whether or not to eat what I should know that I shouldn't eat, but hope I can just get away with it anyway or just for the moment don't care about whether it makes me fat (god knows at the time that I eat, it's like I've forgotten that food makes you fat, and all I can actually think about is that food tastes and feels good.) It's not to say that for other people it's NOT emotional problems that are causing them to be fat - clearly I can't know that about them. It's just that so many people say that it is for them, that I almost feel like I must be in denial because I'm denying this problem for myself. But if I'm going to be honest, I just don't think that's what it is for me, and if that's the case for me, then maybe it is for other people, too. Maybe for some people it's "learning to forgive yourself and others" or some other similar emotional problem, and then for others of us it's "just a cigar", just a physiological cigar.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Ugh. My friend

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


The scale read a pound higher yesterday and today I'm over 230. I was feeling quite put out until I remembered that small popcorn I got at the movie theatre. I was a good girl and didn't add butter, but it was marvelously salted and surely more calories than the cottage cheese and pineapple I had planned to have as a snack.

Not sure how today's going to go, either. I have a long full day and I am set with breakfast, lunch, and snack, but I don't know what's going on after 5:00. Supposedly I get out of work about 5:00. Then I should have time to make dinner before 6:30 which I can pack, then I have a show at 7:30 (after the show there will be free food provided that I will be obliged to watch everyone else enjoy) and then hopefully I don't have to go back to work tonight for a load-out because fatigue and extra hours of wakefulness will suck and not just because of the diet.

I have a bad attitude about having to go in to work today, but I'm looking forward to getting that check!

Monday, February 14, 2011


Oh! Up another pound for today. Haha. Well, I was getting quite used to losing a pound a day. No worries. It's just my body's way of resetting for this next set.

Hope all's well.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

another good scale reading today

Hey, the scale said 228 today. Another pound lost, just like that. Who am I to argue? Judging from my activity yesterday, the secret to weight loss is sitting on the couch from sunup to sundown. Definitely seemed like a wasted day, especially considering the weather, and having the roommate out of town (which never happens).

Sure makes my ticker and weight loss graph look a little better.

Anyway, I won't take up more of your time. I keep waiting for this to get hard, but so far, staying to the meal plan has been real easy this week. If it gets difficult this week, maybe I will do more "convenience plan" stuff.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Feb 12, 229

It was 9 days ago that I dipped oh-so-briefly under 230 at 229.6, before I got swept away in a tidal wave! It was 5 days ago that I got back in the saddle and set about to lose the weight I'd gained. So that's done, and (for this new 2011 effort) reached a new low and I am 10 pounds down after a month. Ok, I admit it, I'm not *thrilled*. I've achieved 229 before. September 26 2009 is when I first reached 229. That's like a year and a half ago. It can't believe how long it's been, and how long I muddled about non-committally. Not that I'm angry at myself about it, it's just hard to believe it's been that long. I've been off and inconsistent since last April. And 229 seems high to me. I'm sure there will more excitement as I start fitting into my 16s and looking better in my XLs as spring comes in. Getting into the teens I'll start to feel righter. The day I get under 200 pounds will be a big day! I remember it felt like I had to push for a long time to get down from 207 or so down to 201, so I feel a little pessimistic about that. At any rate, today I can say I'm still losing weight, still sticking to the diet day after day, and it hasn't been difficult, thanks to the "convenience" plan with frozen meals and grab-and-go soup with ecologically undesirable packaging. Next week I will spend more time in the kitchen.

Now what I need to do is get back in the exercise thing. It's easy enough to make time to do it when you have the day off! Today I'm feeling sluggish and lethargic, but for the past two days my energy has felt good.

Friday, February 11, 2011


230 again today. Not much to say. My "In the 220s now" post is postponed a bit. Can't lose weight every day. Still on the plan. No exercise yesterday, but I did some walking around and even some running, despite agony in my heel. Gotta go.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

230 - waist blues again

Ok I am reporting a weight of 230 and unless some kind of plateau occurs, can expect to get into the 220s within a couple of days.

Not much to report - stuck to the diet again yesterday - still no exercise. I was busy but now it's gettin to be too long since I've exercised. Today's another day that I will find it hard to fit it in, not to mention being totally uninspired. Maybe I'll just go do an uninspiring stint on an elliptical trainer. My heels are still on fire, especially my left heel, which was burning even as I slept in bed last night. Right heel is feeling okay right now. So anyway, walking or no, I can't be sure.

Yesterday I did a little online window shopping for corsets. Not only would I like to have one now for shaping me under my clothes now, but I have also considered that I'd like to have one after some belly has gone to keep the fat from growing back in the belly. I feel like the way my belly got shaped this way is from wearing the jeans I wore and spilling out over the waistband. Meh. Anyway, I feel like I'd definitely need steel boning, as my belly can easily mangle the plastic boning. And the steel-boned ones are expensive, meaning I'd need to get a good one. And they say to choose a size from your waist measurement, but I'm so baffled as to how to tell my waist measurement.

Anyway, things are going well enough this week. Yesterday at work Chip brought in doughnuts but I didn't have one. I reserved my cheat for a glass of wine but I didn't have that either - really didn't feel like it. Besides, a sugar-fat delectable treat like doughnuts would have seriously damaged my solidarity. I guess I should be a little surprised at how easy it was to resist them.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I kept getting up last night to pee, which I never do. (I remember one time in particular, it was very strange because as I walked to the bathroom, and back from it, I felt like I was swooping all over the place, kinda like I was falling down drunk. I made it without injury however, but it was very strange to me.) Anyway, I figured it was good stuff and that I was getting rid of my water weight.

Not much to report. So far staying on-plan without hardship. Yesterday's cheat was 2 glasses of wine. Fun fun wine. I didn't exercise, and I might not exercise again today either. On the note of exercise, my heels were like fire with every step all day yesterday. I keep taking ibuprofen and hoping it will get better soon! I'm sure it will. In spring there will be hiking.

I watched the new episode of Heavy. I really wondered if the both of them would make it through to the end. They both did, with great results. Did I hear they do 4-5 hours a day of working out? Hahaha!

I haven't heard from my friend. I suppose maybe I was too pushy, but I wanted to be. I think he needs some pushing. But I know that in my life, when people tried to push me, I became immediately resentful and defensive. It's hard to know when to impose yourself beyond someone else's comfort level. I have another loved one who has a terrible relationship with alcohol that does him no good at all. I just hate to see my friend suffer, and I know he deserves a life that is better than his body currently allows, and I want to help him get there. And I feel like now is the ideal time for him to do something about it - while he has all the time in the world! To the point that I feel like it's absolutely necessary that he get started on it right away! We don't live in the same town, so I don't know what else to do besides give encouragement. I hope his momentum is still going. God knows I'm no expert, but I just wish I could be there to help him defeat his defeatism.

So, Joey, if you are still reading, I'm sticking to my meal plan and I'm going to get below 230 permanently within the week. With your consistent participation and encouragement, I might even reach my ultimate weight and fitness goals.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I hoped to be up and at 'em earlier, but I just don't have the push and shove in me, even though it's a beautiful crisp-looking day out (I've been blaming the cold rainy cloudy days and the barometric pressure).

Good news is that I lost a pound since yesterday - down to 233.5 - and that I made it to the grocery store (which was pretty much all that I succeeded in doing before time for rehearsal!) *Unfortunately* groceries were not dirt cheap - I think I was at about $140-150 again. I suppose that I'm not buying the absolute most dirt cheap of everything - especially when I choose organic.

This week my meals are real easy, which is good. And land-animal free. Grab a single-serving of soup and a pear and a piece of bread and some nuts and that's lunch. (Also supposed to have soy milk, but it doesn't travel well!) Dinner is mostly frozen meals. Breakfast was frozen waffles and ricotta and walnuts and milk and fruit cocktail. Now I am no big fan of fruit cocktail as compared to fresh fruit, or the gelatinousness of Healthy Choice soup when compared to my homemade stuffs, and frozen dinner, even if they are Amy's Palak Paneer. But this week I just need it to be ridiculously easy. Next week I'll get back to it. As far as I'm concerned, this is Day 2 of a 6-week stint of high focus on weight loss and exercise.

That said, I don't think I'll be getting the exercise in today. Sad but true. I have to work.

I also feel so drowsy. I was just telling my roommate - I'm starting to worry about myself. Is this just natural aging, or SAD, or major depression? It's not that I feel sad or hopeless, just - no energy and not much enthusiasm. It's been a crummy winter, emotionally, and I have been hoping that when spring comes, I can forget everything I learned to feel this winter and go back to my earlier innocence.

New episode of Heavy at today. Can't wait to watch it.

Monday, February 7, 2011


Okay, there's the official post-blip weigh-in. Pretty much what I expected.And isn't that an exciting weight graph. :-) Oh well, give it a couple of days. In only 3-ish weeks, already lost track twice. I slept in today. Gonna make the french toast with berries and walnuts and coffee for breakfast, then head to the grocery store. Even though I feel like I should go to the theatre and do something, I might as well wait until after I've seen tonight's rehearsal and make decisions from that. So that gives me the afternoon to get this stuff done for my meal plan, which has to take some degree of precedence right now.

Feb 7 2011

It's a nighttime post. I need to go to sleep. Kinda don't want to. Kinda don't want today to be past.

On the other hand, I feel all the more inspired that I need to lose more pounds, get back on it like I was last week, doing so well. Which means that first thing tomorrow I need to print my grocery list and go to the grocery store. And that I also need to fit in some exercise, I'm thinking the 20 minute interval cardio.

It's been a very busy and emotionally engaging week for me, and I struggled with the weather dragging on me. For better or worse, the past week is over, one of the most special aspects of my life on hold again too soon, and I have to turn my focus to another job, and my health and weight loss program.

Tomorrow's weigh-in should be uninspiring. How exciting to lose the same 5 pounds over again. :-) le sigh

Saturday, February 5, 2011

work crunch

I don't have time to be a good blogger today or a good dieter right now. In addition to this being work crunch time, I am also dealing with apparently monstrous effects of a low-pressure system, which is making it hard for me to function well and be awake or other than groggy. Yesterday I simply ate what was around and available, and without taking the time to be prepared mentally to make appropriate choices, they tended to be crap, and then when the guy at work ordered pizza for everyone, I didn't resist and was glad there was some food so I didn't have to take time to go get some. I still haven't been to the grocery store. I have a meal plan, but I don't have time to attend to it right now. I stood on the scale this morning, briefly, and confirmed that weight has been put back on - probably mostly water weight of course, and will have to be taken back off next week, just as soon as things get better. Have to stop typing now.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Feb 3, 2011 229.6 Party time!

Hey, the scale had a shock for me today! As I gripped my tummy on the way to the scale, I thought I felt like I'd gained. As usual the scale gave different readings every time I stood on it, everywhere from 229 to 230.5, but usually it was under the 230 line, and I was excited to be able to say I was under 230, but intimidated to cite any unreasonable gains.

So I say 229.6 and celebrate getting into the 220s. Yesterday I did my yoga and loved it. It had been a week since the last time I did it, and I could feel a real difference since the last time, whether because I was actually stronger or just because my body was more rested. Lowering down in a reverse pushup from plank pose felt stronger in the first part, I'm trying to hold boat pose longer (pathetic!), I was much more committed to the back bending (which does freak me out a little and makes me feel like I can't push air into my torso to breathe.)

Yesterday I stayed on plan, packing all my meals for the day before leaving, but I did engage in the following cheats: when offered, a 75-calorie cookie, but it was an interesting gourmet-ish cookie, not just an Oreo, and 2 of those Ghirardelli squares. So it wasn't really a good thing, but I don't just feel awful about it either because it was relatively controlled (i.e. I wasn't eating M&Ms and Butterfingers galore) and they were "quality" treats.

I hesitate to get too celebratory about hitting the 220s because I ran out of meal plan yesterday. I'm supposed to start the new week today and, though I did finally draft out a weekly meal plan at ediets, I just don't have time to go to the grocery store, or to exercise for that matter. I might get in some kind of exercise, but I might not. Work is in crunch time right now. On the other hand, the sun is out and I bet spring is on its way soon! So I'll be coming up with some kind of eating plan for the day - I have plenty of food in the house so it should be okay - and I'm thinking of getting a 6" Subway sub with an apple from Subway - and not those processed and wrapped-in-plastic apple slices either - that makes me angry - Subway, who gets crates of fresh produce in all week, can't handle plain old apples?

So the danger exists that I will bounce back up into the 230s before I go lower. I should have gone to the grocery store sooner, I was just having a very hard time figuring out how to get a good one with my current dietary requests and looked good for my budget. I finally did manage one, but only after I'd done 3 or 4 different tries and finished last night. It's just the standard ediets meal plan - lots of good meal choices, even after excluding beef, chicken, and pork.

Not quite 10 pounds, but close! Hopefully some of my clothes are going to be looking better on me again. These last couple days have been good. It's mostly thanks to Joey - thoughts that he might read this have kept me good the past couple days.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Feb 2, 2011 230.5

230.5 That's more like it.

I ate breakfast late and dinner early last night, leaving me hungry as I stayed up later, working at the theatre. On a naughty day I might have said "Ah, screw it" and gone and had a candy bar from the lobby, but last night I was thinking of my friend. I did have 2 hard candies, though, that was my cheat. And I didn't exercise. And I don't feel like it today, either. I still want to be asleep cozy in bed. I guess I'm a little enthused though by this morning's weigh-in, and also from this week's TV episode "Heavy" which featured 2 women who each lost 100 pounds in 6 months but more than that, they lost their bellies. ::Jealous:: And the younger one ran a 5k and I was jealous there too. I guess I want to run a 5k. Presumably she trained for it, and she was young and didn't have a bad foot. Still... I think I could at least try.

So I think today for my exercise, I'm torn between taking a walk and doing yoga. I think I want to do yoga. I'm gonna do yoga. I was looking at my problematic belly and thinking if I could pull in the muscles of my upper abdominal region it could help the shape of my belly. I just don't know if exercise will draw them in. Hmm.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Feb 1, 2011 - 231.5


I will take what I can get! I kinda really hoped to weigh less today - somehow I thought it would happen. Half a pound is absolutely nothing to sneeze at, it's just that I've been kinda static for a while, as this graph will show.

Getting below 230 will be a big party. In my head. Because I can't afford the calories or the fiscal expense of a real celebration. At the mo.

So this is a big ol' shout-out to my real-life friend Joey - I won't link him without his permission - who is jumping on the old weight loss bandwagon not for the first time in his life (as we can all relate) but this time I think there are real changes and I think his support mechanism is stronger and motivated now. Hi, Joey! We love you!

Yesterday I stayed on-plan mostly out of respect for him - I now feel I have to be a good example for him and that totally sucks. I did manage to make getting to the gym a priority yesterday and did my 20 minutes, and burned 3 more calories in those 20 minutes than last time - I love that slow and constant progress.

Today I really wanted to do yoga, but these cloudy rainy low-barometric-pressure days take it all out of me and I stayed in bed this morning. It is not too late - I may do yoga later in the day, we'll just have to see, but now I have a belly full of breakfast and a bunch of mentally-focused work to do as soon as I finish this blog entry.

It's February now and time to re-evaluate my exercise goals. I tend to rely on my Pilates routine mostly to get myself back out of the dregs. It's convenient to do at home, but otherwise I'm not so sure it's as amazing for me as the yoga. So I will probably transition more to a focus on yoga (which should help with strength, too), while continuing to use my little strength program to measure improvement, and continue my BFL cardio thing too, and on top of that add in some "rounder" and "deeper" movements, like dancing, Callanetics, and bellydance. Also, for my heel, start transitioning to more walking, so I can build up to running. And as spring comes - hiking! A glimpse of springlike weather confirmed for me that I am still a lover of hiking. Now that's a lot to think about. I actually crafted out a plan on paper last night, but it will take a little more thought. I might be trying to fit in too much. Too much of the "phasing in" and "phasing out." A little more pinned down, later.

As for my other resolutions

1) work habits - I am making the effort. I could do better. I did have a couple stints of tardiness.
2) lose weight and get in shape - still at it :-)
3) get health insurance - oddly I have health insurance rather unexpectedly, but only until March 31. otoh, when I'm less busy, I think I can discover more about how to use my union work contributions to a CAPP account and apply them to my health insurance.
4) stop walking past people - stop and talk I don't know if I've actually improved at this at all, judging from my behavior this week
5) Cook in bulk - I'm not doing this now because my meal plan is set up for single meals.
6) Pay back my savings account - oh, wouldn't that be nice? I do need to spend less on food, and I spent way too much on a couple of trips to the bar and restaurant this past week. Unforgivable.
7) Finish that book - DONE! Accomplished!
8) Reduce meat intake - I went purely vegetarian for a couple weeks there, which I didn't need to do but did anyway. This week there has been more meat and less tofu. I changed my meal plan from "Glycemic Impact" to "Seasonal" and there are just not very many vegetarian meals to choose from in that plan, so I'm not sure that that meal plan, which I otherwise love, will match my meat reduction goal.
9) Buy more clothing from 2nd-hand stores... I haven't bought any clothing at all this year. I have actually considered going to get another pair of size 18 jeans to help me through this fat period but ::sigh::
10) Acquire a working collection of classical music - I have done a little research but was overwhelmed and acquired nothing. Yet. Actually I've kind of expanded this to also expanding my knowledge of contemporary music - is there anything out there, maybe local, worth paying attention to?

Ok, off to work.