Friday, January 29, 2010

Jan 29, 211-212; finding patience

Well, I'm still hovering around 211-212. I have until tomorrow "morning" (by the time I get up it'll be around 3:00pm probably) to get to 210 for Saturday's weigh-in. Stranger things have happened, I suppose.

I'm still tracking my nutrition at sparkpeople. It's been interesting. Overwhelmingly, the ediets meals exceed what they're supposed to when entered into the nutrition tracker at sparkpeople. Then I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do about that. Since I'm struggling to achieve 210, I tend to choose to trim out some of what ediets recommends. Meanwhile, I feel hungry sometimes and I have to confess that my experience on the nutrition tracker has me freaking out a little bit about if I have to eat less than 1700 calories.

I'm actually very pleased with my experience on choosing my own meals (incorporating the vegetable soup and cornbread). Since this is obviously where I want to get eventually, I want to do it some more next week. I have this box of quaker oatmeal squares and am thinking about having it for the occasional breakfat, or maybe a few pieces in some yogurt for a snack next week. If I had lost weight this week, that would be an easier decision to make freely.

As it is, I think I will go ahead and have some self-designed meals next week. They will be planned in advance and recorded at sparkpeople. I think this is the time to start the weaning. Weight loss feels like it's slowed and I'm not sure why - maybe this is the time when weight loss does slow and either I reduce my calories a lot or I get more patient about seeing every new pound of weight dropped and maybe even diverting attention from the scale and to the kitchen. I was always a big fan of the daily weigh-in and I've no regrets about that. But coming to a place where weight loss is slow might mean I change my habits. Not lose my commitment, just change the pace and redirect the bulk of my focus to kitchen habits and exercise habits and less on scale victories.

I was so eager to get to 198. But here it is the end of January and I'm still on this side of 210. It's made me impatient. Looking at my weight loss graph doesn't really seem to indicate a slowing, but a lot of recent inconsistencies have bounced me up and I haven't lost much since hitting my 220 goal in November. I honestly think I may also have to lighten the blogger habit to only once or twice a week, and reading much more briefly every day - which may mean I miss some of your blog posts - but I think soaking in blogger is contributing to my impatience when I just need to use it as a light motivation tool like a magazine.

I also might look for some lower calorie whole grain bread, although the idea is distasteful to me on a naturalist level, I can experiment with it.

These are some thoughts, anyway. I'll likely be back tomorrow for weigh-in.

All this said, my roommate looked all astounded to see me in "my skinny jeans, what size are those?" (they were the 16s) and I've been beeped at on the road a couple times lol.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

note to self

6 mini bite-size Snickers, Milky Ways, and Butterfingers is about 300 calories.

This on a day that I'm struggling already with calories. I entered my day's calories into sparkpeople at the beginning of the day and realized that it was totalling over 2100 calories - not the 1700 or under I'm supposed to be at. I trimmed away some calories here and there to at least bring it under 2000. But then I ate those 6 minis. Silly person.

Now it's 11:30 and I've finished dinner and I'm still hungry, which would be fine if I were going to sleep (wish I were going to sleep!!), but I have to go get back to work! I've made some coffee and I think I might take a weight smart one-a-day - they have some appetite suppressant in them. Le sigh.

Jan 27, 211

I found 211 again this morning, yay.

I worked out again today. 2nd of 3 this week. I started with a bit of a run-walk for 20-25 minutes and 2 miles - more running in the first 10-15 minutes, and more walking at the end. Then lifted weights, including some lower body lifts. But I forgot to work on my abs. The point is, I have not been inspired to workout, but I did it anyway, and found some enthusiasm at least during the workout, if not before or for very long after. My earlier goals of trying to reach certain new achievements in lifting, yoga, stamina - have given way to just trying to do my 30 minutes 3 times per week of *something* to improve health in a general, not specific, way. Just get some exercise, and see what comes about naturally.

The other bit of news is that, since I've been tracking my calories at sparkpeople for 3 days now, I am coming out at more than 1700 calories consumed each day, which is what ediets says it's got me on. I figure in large part it could be true that the whole grain bread I eat is higher in calories (about 100 cals per slice) than maybe what they've budgeted for. I trimmed out 2 pieces of bread from today's meal plan (and added 1 chocolate kiss - 25 cal) and still came in at about 1766 calories for the day.

So far, tracking my food at sparkpeople is interesting and potentially educational, but also it's just another website for me to get lost in, like I did today. Still, I think I may do this same thing next week - plan some meals on my own incorporating foods I have been desiring lately (like that Greek yogurt for example is on my mind tonight) and not just pick from the ediets menu.

I also had told my roommate that I wanted to do a Mexican restaurant and margaritas around Jan 31 - I'm sure she's not remembering that... but I am. Also, brownies. But I don't want to sabotage 210 (210! 210!), so I feel like I wouldn't want to do the cheat until I got to 209 at least, or more likely 208 - but that would be a while and my body could be due a cheat when this week is over, to keep my metabolism from freaking out (since I've been feeling a bit of hunger from time to time this week.)

FYI, my menu for today was

Breakfast - French toast (2 slices) with flaxseed and almonds and a pear
Snack - Campbell's Soup at Hand Classic Tomato, and 1 Hershey's kiss
Lunch - Monte Cristo sandwich, which is Ham and Swiss with honey mustard on bread, cooked in a batter of egg whites and milk, and a pear.
Dinner - Vegetable beef soup and cornbread

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Happy 101 Awards

I don't know who originated the Happy 101 Awards - just wondering about the name. Anyway, it's been passed to me by both Mae Flowers and Shihtzuma, so I'm going to participate in the requirements at this time (just as well, I had nothing interesting to blog about today.)

So here are 10 of the things that make me happy:

1) Traveling--- anywhere.
2) The weather--- pretty much all of it though I may sometimes complain of a cold stingy rain.
3) Power outages
4) CATS and Winnie-dog and animals in general
5) Small gatherings of people in stress-free circumstances (ie cooking dinner at home, watching a video)
6) Someone expressing their individuality and freedom from social norms (in a way that does not hurt someone else's feelings, of course)
7) luxurious fabrics, on my body
8) remnants of old country living, like deserted gas stations and farm houses, or a road in the mountains that used to go somewhere.
9) the things children say
10) When bubula is sweet to me
11) Astonishing talent and creativity, or well-intentioned efforts to bring about astonishing talent and creativity within oneself or in others
12) Clean House (the tv show, but mostly when Neecy Nash is on)

Ok, that's 12.

Now I need to pass this on to 10 other bloggers.

1) The Overweight Life
2) 282.5
3) Biggs Gets Skinny
4) A Failure's Journey to Success
5) Loretta's Journey
6) Fool's Fitness
7) Dangerous Curves
8) Bigger Than My Body
9) The Making of Dree
10) Token Fat Friend

Monday, January 25, 2010

Jan 25, 212

Yesterday I weighed in at 211, which stirred fluffy fantasies in me about reaching dear old 210. Thoughts of 210 kept me on track all day yesterday when I thought I'd go off it. I thought 210 sounded really good until I thought about 209 this morning. Wow, 209 would be fantastic! Unbelievable! haha Then I stepped on the scale and weighed 214 on my first try. What a major downer. Later I did manage to get that weight down to a legitimate 212 for today which is at least still less than 213 and I do have yesterday's weigh-in as a glimpse of the 211 and 210 to come soon. I just wish I were as confident that weight loss would come as I used to be.

It's Monday and I have had breakfast (and entered it into Sparkpeople, yes Lawd) and I do not have the ingredients for lunch yet so I have to get to the grocery store. It is 2:30 on a beautiful day and I'm sitting here stuffed into my size 16s as a matter of pride (it's either 18s too big or 16s too small right now) I have the day off and there's only 4 hours until dusk. The list of things to do include:

* go hiking - can't. not enough time. and besides after last night's deluge it would be too muddy. but the weather is so inviting me to a mountaintop. spring's going to be great when I can go hiking again!
* go grocery shopping - gotta be done
* read my book - I'm desperately trying to push through The Historian so I can get to the other books I want to read
* laundry - god, really don't want to do that today. i'll do it tomorrow
* go find a track and do a run-walk.

I want to go find a track. I have been getting so inspired to do so many things by your blogs. I haven't exercised in a week - the first part of last week I was working very long hours and thought I'd have the rest of the week - then the last half of the week, I was sick. And my sickness, it's not bad, but then I haven't pushed it to the limit. I've actually stayed in bed and drunk vitamin C. I have the faintest hint that there's sickness there, in my sinuses and lungs, but I can barely tell it's there. I know I crave vitamin C juices more than usual and I don't seem to excited by the taste of chocolate (which makes me feel really guilty when I have chocolate I shouldn't have and don't even enjoy it!! Dude, that's when I knew I had a problem.) I feel like I could and should exercise - I feel sludgy and guilty for not exercising, I feel my muscles atrophying from lack of weight lifting, and I feel myself losing the strength and flexibility I'd gained from yoga, and yet, I feel like if I did weaken my defenses system by exercising, I would succomb to the evil that's lurking within me and get really sick.

Still, I think I will go find a track and test myself on this run-walk idea. If I keep it up for 30 minutes I can count it toward my 3x per week.

Oh, I'm so sorry I've bored you to tears with this blog. This is exactly the kind of rambling unfocused blog I don't want to write so I will end it now.

Stretch Marks

I don't know why I want to talk about stretch marks, but I'm getting it out there.

I have stretch marks. I have plenty of them. They don't bother me. I don't know when I got them. I don't remember ever having red stretch marks on my body. My stretch marks are pretty much the same color as the rest of me. They are not bad.

I have heard that men don't care about stretch marks, and part of me can totally see that, but part of me finds that hard to believe. Sometimes it seems that a lot of men have very high standards and don't want even the slightest blemishes or imperfections on women. These men tend to be young and/or single. Ben Folds sang about Stephen who couldn't love a woman with cellulite. I can't imagine Stephen would be okay with stretch marks.

I don't know what people in general think of stretch marks, on themselves, on other people, or on their mates.

I once saw a nude, erotic picture of a woman whose front side was covered with silky red-purple stretch marks, most likely from pregnancy. It felt like the first time I'd ever seen stretch marks like that. Before, I'd only ever seen my own stretch marks and didn't know how overwhelming they could be on someone. Frankly, I thought they were beautiful, amazing. But I also realized that if I had them on me, I would very self-conscious about them, I would probably hate them. Then again, I hate tattoos - at least these stretch marks went with the contours of the body.

I saw my brother's belly recently and saw that he had a lot of stretch marks. He's not an overweight person, but he must have gained a lot of weight rather abruptly at one point in time. He has many red stretch marks.

I wonder what makes stretch marks different on one person from another. Like I said, mine don't bother me and I'm grateful for that. I really don't hear people talk about stretch marks that much. Maybe everyone's at peace with them like I am.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Jan 23, 212

I decided not to interpret my scale reading as less than 212 for today's official weigh-in. It's still registers a 3-pound loss from last week. If things go well, there's still the chance that I could reach 210 before the end of the month! According to ediets' predictors, at 2 pounds per week I should reach my goal of 198 on or abour March 13. What would be very cool would be to reach my goal before March 28, which will be my 1-year anniversary of the day I reached my breaking point and started on ediets. It's not a nice round number - that's 87 pounds lost. But it'll be the achievement of my 2nd round goal. Between here and 198, I'll stop being obese and become just overweight, I'll get below the lowest I've weighed in my entire adult life, and I'll reach Onederland. That's a mess of big landmarks coming up. I wore my size 16 jeans with no trouble (until after I ate dinner, then I unbuttoned when I sat and I was alone) and it's amazing to hear myself thinking that I wear size 16 jeans. You might as well uproot me and set me on the planet Mars for all the sense it makes to me.

But before you go thinking I'm all proud of myself... I got real up close and personal with my fat today, really looking at the places that it bulges from my midsection. There is so much of it. There is really so much of it. I know, I know I'll never be Sarah Michelle Gellar, but... according to, my healthy weight range (for someone my reported height) is between about 125 and 169, and I was wondering what on earth I'd look like at 125. Honestly I don't think 125 is realistic for me, but I have no idea. I still don't know where I'm going to wind up. If I'm still grabbing this many handfuls of fat at 212, then where will I wind up? Is there any chance of me getting as low as 145? That's another 60 pounds to lose. How many pounds of fat am I carrying around my midsection? And by the way, when will my calves stop looking fat, or is that just the way they're going to be shaped?

And how much muscle will I lose along the way? Have I been losing much muscle already? I love and treasure my strength, and honestly, the lighter I get, the more vulnerable I feel to attack - not something I used to think of much. Still hope it won't be - I never like to think of myself as a victim-in-waiting.

That's a lot of questions that you guys can't answer. They're just part of what's running through my head as I try to look to the future.

Today I veered from the menu plan. Breakfast was as written, but I didn't have time for lunch before I had to run off to work. I thought I'd get a 6" turkey sub from subway, but Subway was closed. So I went to the Pita Pit and got a pita (wheat, ostensibly) with what looked like 3-4 oz turkey, 1/2 a slice of swiss cheese, tons of veggies including black olives and what looked like a couple tablespoons of mayo and another couple of honey mustard. Also a double-chocolate cookie and orange juice. I also had 4 chocolate mini candies and a cadbury creme egg and now I'm having another orange juice. So I'm just sort of skipping dinner and snack and hoping it all comes together in the end. Hopefully I'm still on plan.

I've made an exciting decision (well, exciting to me) about next week's plan. I'm going to make my own soup, enough for at least 4 nights, and heat up vegetable soup for dinner all week. With a piece of cornbread. A facebook friend mentioned veg soup + cornbread recently and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind! Plus I'm excited about the ease of heating up a bowl of soup! Simple pleasures, you may think. For me it will be sort of a return to normal living, and sort of a lesson in normal living. And that is an exciting step toward weaning myself off of ediets.

Ediets has me on 1600-1700 calories per day. My Mom checked to see what she would be asked to eat, and it was 1200-1300 (she's much shorter than I am.) I actually kind of dread having to restrict myself to so few calories daily. I try to remember that those are weight loss calories, and that maintenance will not be so restrictive.

Part of the weaning process is going to have to involve taking more proprietary of my own meal planning and calorie-counting. As a result, I'll be posting all my food intake at Sparkpeople next week, and hopefully finding a recipe book (we'll see if makes this at all easy or how well its tools help me.)

I can't tell what my sickness is going to do. I felt almost well earlier today, but right now I'm a bit sniffly. I'm going to make some Theraflu, drink my orange juice and go to bed. Sleep heals. The reason I care is that I want to get back to exercising.

Well, that's the report for now. I'll try not to overload your reading list until I have something worthwhile to say.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Beautiful Blogger Awards!!

ZOMG, y'all. Granted, I have taken this way too seriously but I have been wanting to investigate my blog list further and really take stock of who y'all are. But whoa, I have now taken all day to give a unique look to all 70-some of ya. Over the past week I have occasionally tried to look at each one individually, but by the time I got through 10 of you, I couldn't remember who I'd looked at.

Eventually I decided to create a formula and give everyone a numerical grade! This would not be binding, but it would be something I could look at! I took into consideration how many awards had already been won, how much I looked forward to reading that particular blog, how much weight the blogger was actually losing, how useful and inspiring the blog was, and how regularly the blogger posted.

Basically I figured we all want to read inspirational, regular bloggers, and we want to be introduced to new bloggers while also giving credit to favorite bloggers.

I'm actually pretty pleased with the results of the formula, even though many of them surprised me! Some of my "favorites" didn't make the cut, some made the cut that I had not noticed before. I'm giving out more than 7 of these, because I'm just not one to follow the rules if I don't have to.

But first, I'd like to draw everyone's attention to The Blog that inspired me to start blogging here at blogger. She was the first one I found, and I gobbled up her entire blog after her inspirational weight loss was complete. Her progress pictures are inspiring. She doesn't really blog anymore now that she's reached her goal weight, but she seems to be keeping it off. I present to you, Gettin' Shrunk. Go read it.

I'd also like to draw attention to A Healthy Mind and a Healthy Body. She doesn't have many readers, and I like her approach. I'm not usually one to care much about food journals and recipes, but her journal does emit a strong sense of wellness toward life and the enjoyment of it!!

And now, the presentation of the Beautiful Blogger Awards. The top scorer is #1 - the rest of you are in random order:

Operation 365
Amazon Runner
Who Ate My Blog?
A New Start: Losing Weight
Fat [Free] Me
A Thinner Katie
Losing Weight: Gaining Tons
A Healthy Mind and a Healthy Body
Fun Fit n Fabulicious
Lifestyle Part Cinq
A Journey to Thin
A Deliberate Life

If I ever get a chance, there's some other blogs that I also think deserve a nod and a link. Thanks for checking these out.

Oh yes and thanks for reminding me to pass on the rules - you're supposed to list 7 things about yourself that your readers might not know, and pass it on to 7 other bloggers. Unless you've already just freakin' won the award already.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Jan 22, 212!!!

Today is very exciting because I finally weigh Less. Less meaning "less than the 213 I have bounced up from twice. Yes, the menstrual bloat finally left me and though I have dreaded having to shame and punish myself for my dietary indiscretions (continual candy minis, a bite of someone's pound cake, over-guesstimating portion sizes, and a thai restaurant dinner) it would seem that hopefully things are still going well. Yesterday I wore my size 16 jeans again, with no trouble, but I wouldn't have wanted to do it if I hadn't been wearing something bulky up top to hide the belly bulging mess - although come to think of it, it's really no better if I wear larger jeans. :-/

It's been a busy work week and I have just barely managed to keep up. There was no working out despite the 3x per week pledge, and now I am sick with something that is threatening to clog my lungs. So there will likely be no exercise for the next coupler days either. I'm going to go out soon and get some medication and calcium-fortified OJ to substitute in place of the milk I'm supposed to eat today, but otherwise I'm spending the day in bed. I'm actually focusing a bit on this blogger thing. I'm going through my blog list, establishing some new links in the sidebar for easier access to the most relevant and inspirational info (input on this is welcome), and hopefully catching up on most of my blogs. I had over 70 on my reading list this morning - I've deleted a few, but most of those were bloggers who have abandoned their blog.

I also want to read my book come to think of it.

Staying in bed all day makes my butt hurt. >:-P

But hurrah on reaching 212!! It's awfully close to 210, and maybe I'm still losing weight after all.

Although I have to tell you, I have not internalized this weight loss. I don't see much of a difference, and as I retyped my weigh-ins over the last year, I typed a weight in the 230s and thought that was low before I realized that I weigh much less than that now and I have for a while.

A lot of the guys at work who already liked me when I was bigger seem to be liking me still now that I'm thinner. None of them interest me, most of them are in long-term relationships already, but one is newly-single, I guess, and... blech.

Otherwise I haven't really noticed a real change in attention from the boys - which is fine, actually, I'm not really in the mood to meet more people.

My tickers and weight loss charts

My current ticker from 218 to 198:

My Weight Chart:
Weight Chart

My long-term ticker starting near the beginning:

My Weight Chart:
Weight Chart

Weekly Weigh-ins

3/28/09 285
4/4/09 280
4/11/09 275
4/18/09 272
4/25/09 272
5/2/09 268
5/9/09 268
5/16/09 266
5/23/09 262.5 20 pounds down
5/30/09 260 25 pounds down
6/6/09 257
6/13/09 255.5
6/20/09 252.5 30 pounds down
6/27/09 250.5
7/4/09 249.5 35 pounds down
7/11/09 249.5
7/18/09 245 40 pounds down
7/25/09 240.5
8/1/09 240 45 pounds down
8/8/09 240
8/15/09 237
8/22/09 239
8/29/09 234 50 pounds down!
9/5/09 237
9/12/09 234
9/19/09 231
9/26/09 228.5 55 pounds down!
10/3/09 228
10/10/09 225.5
10/17/09 226
10/31/09 223.5 60 pounds down!!
11/7/09 225
11/14/09 221
11/21/09 221
11/28/09 219 65 pounds down! 1st GOAL ACHIEVED!!!
12/5/09 217.5
12/19/09 215 70 pounds down!!
12/26/09 215
1/2/10 219
1/9/10 215.5
1/16/10 215
1/23/10 212
1/30/10 211
2/6/10 209 75 pounds down!!
2/13/10 207
2/27/10 210
3/6/10 205.5
3/13/10 207
3/20/10 203 80 pounds down!!
3/27/10 205
4/10/10 203.5
4/17/10 204

1/14/11 239 Time to get back in the saddle
2/21/11 227

Sunday, January 17, 2010

January 17, 218-ish

I didn't really go through the whole process of getting a weight this morning because I really wanted to take my shower and get started on the day, so I stood on it long enough to see that I'm still above 215, around 218-ish. Grouch grouch.

I was good again yesterday without issue. Not that I frequently find myself resisiting temptation, but I have started use of the following mantra to keep myself in check "I am a dieter." I am a dieter, so I cannot have one of those pound cake bites.

That said, I'm feeling annoyed with this increase in weight (even if it's mostly menstrual) because I'm feeling impatient to get below 213. I'm going to have to get the attitude that I had when I started the diet - to stay on the diet exactly so that at least if it doesn't work I can blame ediets - only now I can rephrase it and say "At least if it doesn't work, I'll know it's the diet that's wrong." This may mean more attentiveness to portion sizes. I'm really very good right now at guesstimating portion sizes, and that is how I know that I ate more than 3/4 cup of grapes yesterday. In the past, cheating a little on the fruit hasn't seemed to make a difference but maybe things are different now.

As I previously reported, energy and enthusiasm for working out was a little on the low side last week and the only reason I got my 3 in was because of the Facebook exercise group. Monday I swam for 30 minutes, Thursday I walked outside for an hour, and Saturday I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I had a little more energy to burn yesterday, whether due to emotional reasons or something else, so I was actually eager to expel some energy in 2-minute jogging intervals. 6 mph seemed less than intense - I did 6.5 mph for one minute and that felt a little better. Note that I did NO yoga, weights, or elliptical last week, which are supposedly what I am supposed to be focused on. On the other hand, I'm kinda craving some new dancey workouts and absey workouts - maybe on DVD. Only problem is I'm an upstairs neighbor and there's not just a ton of floor space in the living room.

I want to thank Mae Flowers so much for the Beautiful Blogger award! It means a lot to me because it's my first! I've been watching these awards get passed around for the past 6 months, often to people who've get them over and over, and I'd come to the realization that I'd actually make it to my goal weight without getting one. I actually started blogging because I was high on weight loss success and thought that my success would inspire others - so not getting the award over and over just made me feel like I was completely wrong about that. I had no idea how large and strong the blogger community was with weight loss blogs when I started! Anyway, one of the best things about this award is that now that I've received it, I can pass it on to the bloggers *I* enjoy and the ones *I* think deserve more attention. I'm supposed to pass it on to 7, so I want to put a little thought into it to make sure I don't forget someone very important. So I will have to get to that project a little later, as my work schedule permits this week!!

Also, Mae, I will attend to the Happy 101 list of things that make me happy, but right now I must get up and get some things done. :-)

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Jan 16, 218

Here it is my official weekly weigh-in day and what do I have to report? 218! Now I was never supposed to see any number like that again. I've started my period and I think I'm exceedingly bloated. With that in mind, I'm going to tell ediets my number from yesterday and hope that as next week progresses I will find my little white lie to be more the truth than this morning's actual scale reading.

I was good to the meal plan yesterday. Sometime today I have to do something for a workout, and I think it will be going to the gym and getting on something for 30 minutes.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Jan 15, 215

I did finish off yesterday in "cheat day" mode, I suppose. I went to a restaurant for lunch and also had dessert (a nutella and banana crepe which was surprisingly not good, especially considering I was in a creperie) then walked for an hour feeling stuffed, then came home and only had 1/2 a peanut butter and raisin sandwich for the rest of the day. And a couple shots of Goldschlager.

By the end of the day I felt like my demons had been sated.

This morning I weighed 215. I also felt menstrual cramps coming on real bad, and took Midol. The cramps went away but my period still hasn't started... Anyway it could be partially due to menstrual hormones also that I went overboard on the candy. Today I'm happy to report no urges toward loss of control. It's not a battle of willpower, it's just there is not really much temptation around me, and if anything does show up I just look the other way and keep walking. But I never was hungry for the 7 hours between breakfast and lunch. I know what I'm eating for the rest of the day, but I have to plan for next week, and I have to get the groceries today. Having the plan is making all the difference.

Still looking forward to seeing 213, 212, 210 on the scale. (kicks self)

For some reason the past week or so I have had absolutely no bursting feeling of energy for exercising. My workouts have been forced activity and sluggish even once I'm doing it. Blah.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

not good

Loss of control again.

The blame game starts with yesterday - after breakfast I was NOT satisfied, I remained quite hungry and kept taking a bite here and there of my lunch but it didn't help. I have not been so unsatiated after a meal in a very long time and I don't know what caused it. Then I went into the neighboring grocery store for some coffee, and saw the cart for leftover Christmas candy, 75% off. I should have walked by, but I investigated, and found gourmet peppermint taffy, peppermint truffles, and chocolate-covered caramels. It was such good-quality candy, at such a discount, and with me being so hungry and thinking (hoping) I could eat just one (stupid, stupid, stupid) I bought some.

I did better at controlling myself yesterday. I ate maybe 300 extra calories of the candy and then left it at work when I left so I wouldn't be further tempted - not sure what I'd do when I came back in to work today.

This morning the scale didn't show the decrease I've been waiting for. A little disappointed, I thought about that candy and internally chastised myself, and also wondered whether that time of the month was curdling within me, too. I had breakfast this morning - french toast, and was quite satisfied this time around. Downright full.

But once I got to work, I remembered the candy. Had the desperate hope that I could eat just one, and could not stop myself until I got sick-full. A few moments later, feeling the urge again, would get more and eat as much as I could until sick-full.

Being candy-sick does give you pretty good willpower to get rid of the offending addiction before you keep binging on it. Even though it would have been nice to have had it for a nibble now and then - I am just not able to do that, at least not right now.

Over the past couple weeks I have been occasionally allowing myself one bite. When I stop to get a diet soda, I'll get a mini Reese's cup or whatever 5-cent candy they have at the register. No great damage to my calorie count, but I think it's kept the sugar beast alive in me, which made it easier to feel intense cravings and fall prey to them. Now that I've had a full-fledged binge, I think the sugar beast in me is very strong.

Anyway, I'm thinking a bit of making today my cheat day - but I'm not sure what that would entail, because now that I'm sick on candy, I can't remember what I wanted to do on my cheat day when it finally got here.

I'm wondering, now, if I have to go back on the Low-Glycemic diet plan. I like the low-Glycemic diet plan, but I like it better in summer. I like the seasonal diet now in winter, with its heartier meals.

I know you will all tell me not to give up, and to keep going, and that if I stay on the diet I will reach my goal. It is not in my nature to over-react to this kind of thing, but I am still disappointed in myself for sabotaging what was to be my upcoming joy at seeing a number on the scale less than 213, and for the fact that these lapses feel relatively common now, compared to my losses. I'm waiting for reassurance that the weight will continue to come off, and now I'm going to have to wait even longer.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jan 12, 213.5

Rather abrupt drop in the scale measure for today brings me back down to the low I reached in December. It seems low, then I look on the chart and it looks like I haven't made any progress at all, just bounced around, but I know better. The key will be losing even more weight in the next few days and getting below 213. Then it will look good on the graph.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

What's in your kitchen nowadays? (my new staples)

Before I started on this thing, my kitchen and fridge were always empty. I just never went to the grocery store and I dined out or drove through for nearly every meal. A couple times lately I've been to a drive-through and had the odd feeling of not really knowing the process. A strange distance familiarity of ordering the #5 combo from Wendy's "with a diet Coke with no ice" - now what do I do? Drive up? Hey, look, there's a window here! I'm supposed to give that guy money, aren't I? You think I'm exaggerating but I'm not. It was very weird, for something I used to do once or twice a day. About a week ago, when I was having my "last hurrah" I went to the convenience store where I used to get my Krispy Kreme doughnuts, but the bin was no longer there. I asked the lady at the counter about them, and she said that it had been gone for about 7 months. 7 months? Has it been so long?

So as I continue on this journey, when I reach into the cabinets or the fridge, I sometimes think about the transformation of their contents, and of my diet.

These are the foods that I think used to sort of be staples for me:

Restaurant meals (from healthy to calorie-laden)
Candy and cookies
with Raisins?
Eggs and grits (instant)?
Toast with butter and jelly? - not so much
Canned soup?
Diet soda
Ben & Jerry's ice cream
Wine and liquor

Honestly, I don't really remember. Occasionally I cooked, but generally there just wasn't any food in the house.

Nowadays (and for my own edification I itemize a list of general staples):

Low-fat cheeses (cheddar, Ricotta, mozzarella especially) (I never used to eat cheese, now it's everywhere!)
Cottage cheese
Low-fat milk
Soy milk (never used to use)
not so much with the yogurt, though I expect I could change that when I start choosing my own meals more

Nuts (all these nuts, I never used to eat nuts, now they're everywhere!)
Olives (green and black - never used to incorporate them into my diet except at Subway or pizza places)
Avocado (never used to eat avocado at all except on the very rare Cobb salad - and it's wonderful!)
Olive oil
Canola or corn or vegetable oil
nonstick spray
As for spread, I tend to prefer my low-fat butter. I use to little of it anyway.

Coffee (am definitely making more pots of coffee now than ever before, when I would maybe do more Caribou lattes)
Diet soda and Simply Clear artificially sweetened sparkling water
Sugar-free Red Bull
Not as much wine
Tea either not sweetened, sweetened with Splenda, or with honey
Crystal Light
In warmer weather, watered-down fruit juice
(this really hasn't changed much, I was never big on drinking my calories)

Various grains such as...
Oat bran (totally new to me)
Oat meal
Wheat germ
Whole wheat bread, rye bread, whole wheat English muffins (I used to eat on wheat bread anyway, but now there's more of it, plus I love rye bread and never used to have it because - well, rye bread doesn't go with everything and I couldn't even make it through one loaf of bread at home before it would go moldy)
Cold cereal (bran and grape nuts - actually, I don't have this as much as I'd love to)
Rice (brown, jasmine, wild)
Rice cakes
Wheat thins

Assorted fruits - nothing seems to be off-limits here, even dry fruit, though I haven't had as many bananas, and I've had a lot more berries.

Assorted vegetables...
Lots of tomatos
Also squash and zucchini
Bell peppers
Green Onions
Big Yellow Onions
Lettuce and Mixed Greens and Spinach

Not so much, though, as I would like to have had of green beans or cooked greens, though I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to change this.

Assorted meats...
especially turkey, ham, ground beef, roast beef, chicken, tuna, tilapia, canadian bacon, turkey bacon, turkey sausage, veggie sausage, veggie burger

Condiments and flavorings -
mustard, low-fat Duke's mayonnaise, soy sauce, worcestershire sauce, low-fat thousand island, vanilla, salsa, vegetable broth, chicken broth

tofu, beans (canned), baked tortilla chips, canned soup, and the *tiniest* teasingest servings of peanut butter Oh, yeah, and protein powder.

Would like to also incorporate more apple butter, jellies, and potatoes, and also the occasional frozen meal, though I'm surprised to admit it. I discovered these frozen Indian dinners and am thinking that if I actually limited myself to a single serving of some of those Stouffer's dinners I'd be okay. Also, making larger quantities at a time (soup, casserole, etc...) and taking servings for myself over the course of the following week. A friend posted on Facebook about her homemade vegetable soup and skillet cornbread and I was instantly jealous (and nostalgic) and needed to have some myself.

It's a full fridge these days.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

help for a fellow blogger, and acorn squash recipe

Anyone have any knowledgeable advice to offer purple_moonflower? Seems like every time she posts she complains that she is doing all the right things but she is only maintaining or gaining. :-(

As for what I'm rehearsing - I'm the light board operator for a very cool black light show - some mimes and puppeteers create wonderful magic using black light effects. I've seen the show before and it's fantastic. However, all I do is sit at the light board and wait in the dark for my next cue, and I'm already getting sleepy.

As for the acorn squash recipe -

Poke holes in an acorn squash and stick it in the microwave for about 5 minutes.

While that cooks, chop 2 1/2 oz firm tofu into small cubes, and mix it in a bowl with 3/4 cup unsweetened applesauce, 1 1/2 tbsp walnuts, 1 1/2 tbsp raisins, cinnamon and nutmeg.

Let the squash cool a couple minutes, then cut it in half and scoop out the seeds. Stuff with the applesauce mixture. Put in a casserole dish and cover loosely (or I just put saran wrap over it) and microwave another 5 minutes until done.

My recipe adds 3 tbsp (raw) of (cooked) brown rice as a side dish, or I suppose it would also be good in the applesauce mixture. The exact measurements are approximated.


Jan 9, 215.5

Ok, suddenly it's Saturday again and official weekly weigh-in day. I'm 215.5, which means I figure I'm reset for after the holidays.

I fell asleep at 8:00 last night and woke up at 3:30. This has been happening to me all week and I don't know why. It's ok, but it does mean I'm going to have a heard time staying awake through the darkened rehearsal tonight. It also, however, means that I have plenty of time to get in a lengthy workout before going to work at noon. I have to do a 3rd workout this week and I want it to be elliptical + weights.

But first, I'm eating last night's dinner. I didn't get to eat it last night because I fell asleep, and I was sooo looking forward to it - acorn squash stuffed with tofu, applesauce, raisins, and walnuts. I had it before and it was awesome.

Oh, part of this morning's check-in was measurements again. I had already been able to tell, somehow, from the mirror that I had increased puffiness in my belly again. Like it's the first place I regain. I was checking the internet to see if reducing my diet soda intake would reduce my waistline specifically, but I found nothing to really indicate that. I hope that as I get down to 200 over the next 3 months I see a reduction in my belly finally!! That will be the greatest thing. Oddly, one of the main reasons I started this diet - that my pants didn't fit well due to my waist size - well, I am suffering that again now at 215. I suppose, aside from fat loss, pulling those muscles in could help, if that's possible. I have read that many people who get lipo from their bellies also typically follow up with an operation to tighten the muscles of their abdomen - sounds like a pretty major operation to me but a lifetime of a belly like mine apparently could pull those abdominal muscles out of their prime structure. It's a horrible thought. Surgery isn't an option for me anyway, so let's hope fat loss does something in the next 3 months, and I'll be thinking of adding some toning exercises too, but not so much with the crunches - more like yoga, dance, or Pilates. I just think crunches will make my abs bigger more than pull them in!

So today - workout in the morning, after dinner. Then breakfast, and prepare and pack food for the day. Then to work at 12, hopefully a little break of about an hour or two and then rehearsal tonight, and then pass out. Pretty straightforward.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Jan 8, 216

I went out with my friend yesterday and did not put up resistance to the restaurant dinner + movie formula. We went to a nearby Indian restaurant and I had a buttery chicken and a salad and nan bread and although it certainly wasn't a huge meal, that's probably why I'm up again today. Oh well. I mean, meh. Circumstances, you know. I just get tired of my diet constantly coming up and being an additional burden (my work schedule being the other burden) when it comes to this particular friendship. Actually I just belched and tasted the curry, which caused me to sense that perhaps I have not done with eliminating for the morning - which I want to do before I do yoga, which I have to do because I didn't do it yesterday. Yeah, getting up so early yesterday morning did eventually cause me to get way too weary later in the day. I didn't get to the grocery store or do yoga. I did other stuff instead. Other stuff that is important to me - work, piano, laundry - which clues me in to the notion that I could have a damaging tendency right now to not put the diet way up top of the priorities list and drop everything totally off the list like I had done before. I may need to get more obsessive. I will do the yoga and grocery shopping right now this morning as soon as I get dressed. And I have got the dinner with friend out of the way and won't have to be burdened by outside social requisites - none of my other friendships are quite as dependent on the restaurant meal as my friendship with Joe, and it's not like we get together more than about once a month.

So. Yoga, grocery shopping, breakfast, then work.

**Edit** - One more trip to the bathroom changes my official weight for the day back to 216. Yay!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Jan 7, 216

If anyone is reading this blog and would like me to subscribe to your blog, please let me know. I ask as a favor to myself more than for you. I'm not really good at keeping up with my blogroll and my followers, but I do want to read your blog if you're reading mine so that when you comment, I will know you and who you are, not have it be just a random impersonal voice. And besides, we would be able to share in each other's journey rather than it be a one-way thing. Thanks!

I declare today's official weigh-in as 216. I love it. Only 18 pounds to go to reach 198. :-)

It's cold in the house and I have the day off. I want to get some yoga done, which I typically do first thing in the morning on an empty stomach, but not so much while it's cold in the house! Besides, since it is so early, I feel like going to the quiet theatre, doing some cleanup, and playing piano. But that will mean I'll have to do the yoga later in the day and not let the day get carried away from me, and I will have to make sure to arrange my eating so I will have an empty stomach when I do this yoga. Gosh, that seems quite tough.

I really don't have anything else to blog, so have a great day!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Jan 6, 217

217 this morning. One down side to losing water weight is getting up way too early in the morning having to pee, and then not going back to sleep. I figure that's about the end of the excess water loss from going back on the diet.

The diet was good to me today. I really love that tofu and black bean salad. I didn't really get too hungry, just a little hungry once or twice, but I was covered for food and when I did eat it was enough to sustain through the next meal, (though I typically had to eat so fast I was still hungry when I was out of food.)

I did go to the gym as planned, and got on the elliptical trainer. I don't know whether it's just been a little too long since the last time I've been to the gym or if it was due to being a bit underslept, but I took it comparatively easy on the elliptical. I mean, I pushed myself a bit, but I didn't do the high-intensity intervals. So instead of achieving the 430-435 calories burned I got last time, it was only 415. And I was annoyed that I couldn't stetch out my legs, and felt like I'd rather be jogging, but my heel was bothering me. I felt like I wasn't feeling 'the burn' in the places I want to - I'm supposed to be building up power, quick-twitch muscle fibers and lower body strength on the elliptical, but today I don't know how much I really worked into those areas, it was just a plain old cardiovascular workout. But that's okay.

217 on Jan 6. Only 19 pounds to lose in the next 12 weeks.

I have to say that I've been facing some jealousy issues. We all know I'm not satisfied with the shape of my body at all even now that I've lost about 70 pounds. I'm also not really happy with my face, and I figure I'll never really be pretty. I'm just not one of the pretty girls. Losing weight isn't really going to help my face any more, and I just don't think I'm going to ever have a waist - even if I'm thin I'll be thick in the middle. My roommate is about half my height but we both wear size 18s now (only hers are size 18P whereas mine are nearly tall.) I know she has things she hates about her body, but the fact is, she's beautiful. So even though my BMI is better than hers, and she eats Chinese food and Taco Bell and chips and dip and sneers at exercise and is a worse slob even than me, she has a beautiful face, glamorous red hair and an hourglass figure, perfect cleavage, and all the guys love her. I can name at least 3 guys who started off interested in me but then saw her and transferred at least some of their interest to her. I know it's unattractive to confess to feeling outshined by someone else, and people will write to me and tell me about self-esteem. But I think my self-esteem holds up pretty well against the blows it takes, honestly, and I forgive myself for feeling outshined because we do have such proximity and I've had the chance over and over and over to watch people choose her over me.

I am still avoiding mirrors and cameras in public.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Jan 5, 218

I was On ALL DAY yesterday - except for adding a little shot of 2% milk to some coffee, and I made some food substitutions, but those don't take me Off, I was On ALL DAY yesterday. At times I was worried about little hunger pains, worried I wouldn't make it through the day without giving into the little voice that tells me to cheat. (Go ahead, do it!) But I didn't cheat. I played that game where I listen to my body to feel withing myself the process of going from hungry to satisfied after having eaten a portioned meal of fiber and protein.

It was a long hard day yesterday, after waking up too early at 4:30 and not getting back to sleep, then working from 10 to 12:30 at one theatre, from 1 to 5 at another theatre, and then sitting through 2 run-throughs until 11:00 at night. I had to make my food last all day and it did. I had to deal with being tired and on the run all day. It took me 90 minutes to prepare and pack all my meals in the morning (I never really realized it took so long) but I did.

At rehearsal, one of the actresses looked at me and asked me if I had any chocolate. It was kind of an odd question as I tried to think back over the past week about whether I'd had any chocolate on hand before to make her think that I, across the room, might have some chocolate - and honestly I can't think of anything. There were the Rolos, maybe there was an announcement made about the bag with Rolos in them and it was determined to be mine. Typically I don't 'have chocolate' with me, except in the moment that I'm eating it. I don't keep it around much. She was just desperate for some chocolate, I guess. I gave her 50 cents and told her to grab a candy bar from the vending area in the lobby. She's very skinny, and from what I can gather from what she says, very affected by carbs and possibly other food elements, very dependent on her food intake for her moment-to-moment well-being. I figure maybe skinny people are like that - they don't hold on to extra resources, so they feel it immediately when their body runs out. She needed chocolate to get her through her runthrough.

I really hoped after a day, really a day and a half of being On, my weight would reduce by this morning. 220 was high, and actually I was a sliver over 220, and I could by the indentations my socks made that I was retaining water, so it seemed the sort of thing that even just one or two days could show a reduction in the scale. My motivation right now is a sense of increased puffiness especially in the fat roll above my waist - (MY FAVORITE!!!) I'm ready for that to go back down and away.

So anyway, it worked (yay). I'm down to 218 this morning and that's quite welcome.

I updated my ticker for the first time since Dec 22, so I guess that says I've left the playing field for a while although I've still been playing a little, not nearly as conscientiously. I also skimmed the blogs today, read the ones that seemed most appealing to me, which also helped me restore the mindset of being On.

I'm delighted to have a little extra time this morning though I don't think I got enough sleep again I might be okay if I slept as HARD as I might have. I have a little work to do and some exercise to do, a day's worth of food to prepare, groceries to buy, and a book to read, a workcall this afternoon and rehearsal this evening, and I've got to figure out in what order I need to do all that.

Only 3 months, 20 pounds, let's go! Bonne courage! RAWR!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Jan 4, 220

My weight did rise above 220, it seems. Yesterday I had one last Rolo and said toodles to the holidays. So I guess then that technically today is my first complete day back On. It's going to be a challenge, actually, with work being the way it is this week. I am unfortunately awake this morning so I've gone ahead and planned out my next week's meal plan so I can go grocery shopping for it. I went back on the Autumnal plan - even though it's winter, ediets still thinks it's fall, but either way it's cool. The lake outside my house is frozen over, the air bitter cold, and so I'm in the mood for acorn squash, eggplant, soup and pears, rather than the cottage cheese and berries and summer salads I've been eating the past week on the glycemic plan.

I am not regretful about my holiday Offness. I actually still feel like I've on plan, because it was part of my plan to go off plan in December and stagnate, and to start again now, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Getting down to 213 - that was the fluke! I'm actually grateful to get a glimpse of how maintenance is going to be.

I've gotten out of the habit of daily weighings and tuning in to fitday and blogger every day - but actually I don't know if I care that much about that. I think that weight loss motivates me to go to fitday and blogger, not so much the other way around, not so much that fitday and blogger motivate weight loss. My weight loss motivation comes from inside me, from a little bit of turning off and shutting out the distractions of the outside world.

What I don't know about is exercise, this week. The people in the Facebook exercise group were so gung ho about keeping the group going past Christmas, so we created a new group for the new year. I guess I feel like the week is intense and I won't be able to fit my exercise in, but actually, thinking about it, it's only Monday now, and I only HAVE to get in the 3.

It sucks I've been awake - I'm going to really be hating it later. And I have a headache. I don't know whether to get up, shower, and get started on my day, or roll over and try to get more sleep. I keep feeling more and more awake, but under it all is a strong and palpable undercurrent of sleepiness and fatigue - so I'm totally confused!!

Also - I've noticed my meals look small lately. I look at my meals and think "I don't know if that's going to satisfy me." This morning I feel myself getting quite hungry, and I'm thinking about my breakfast - three slices of canadian bacon with cheese on toast, and 3/4 cup of grapes. Really? That's it? Not even a cup of milk or something else? But I think it satisfied me yesterday, so it's kind of fun to watch yourself get satisfied by smaller meals. Besides, this is the glycemic index plan - 5 meals per day means smaller meals. Next week I'll be on the fall plan, with hot squashes and bigger meals. It'll be good.

Friday, January 1, 2010

January 1, 2010 - 219

This "morning" (I awoke at 6pm) I weigh 219. Still up from 215, still down from 220.

Since my last blog post, things have been going slow getting back "into it." Still working through the remains of Christmas and New Year's, leftovers and so on.

I have been doing the meal plan, though, too, committing myself to making all the meals, packing them, taking them with me. It's been a strong reminder of the state of mind I need to get back to. I'll tell you what was going on with me psychologically when I was doing the meals plans this summer - that there was only me, and work. Without getting too far into my unattractive psychological and social issues, I was pretty isolationist, which allowed me to tune out outside pressures and jsut do for me. That faded with the trip to Asheville and with the holidays, which for me start with my birthday on Sep 5 and continue to Sep 28, Oct 9, Nov 17, Thanksgiving, Nov 30, Dec 2, Christmas and New Year's. Now with all the holidays and birthdays out of the way until my NEXT birthday - except possibly Mother's Day, Father's Day, and a trip to NYC - it's gonna get a lot easier. Just step back into silence mode and into my diet zen.

But today - I have to go eat collards, hoppin john, and pork - so I'm just taking today off the diet to have one last hurrah before getting back to it tomorrow - Jan 2.