I faltered. I succombed.

Tonight I went to a Christmas concert by our local symphony. It really got me in the Christmas spirit and when I came in the downtown Christmasy nightlife I wanted to celebrate living and merriment and get into the spirit of the season and of the nightlife. And I wanted to celebrate with coffee, or maybe spiked coffee. I went to a bar&restaurant and was already thinking about decaf with Bailey's. By the end of it, I had two decaf and Bailey's and chocolate lava cake with a half a scoop of vanilla ice cream. This is the happy-go-lucky way I used to exist, and it wasn't at all bad!

But I'm guilty of splurging when it was not planned. I had planned to splurge tomorrow, originally, and maybe Sunday or Monday if Saturday was too busy at work. I had been dreaming of the cafeteria food at K&W, and a box of Russell Stover's or some brownies. Now I'm going to sit back and see how this splurge affects me. Tomorrow I have to work, and for an undetermined number of days thereafter so I'll just stick to the meal plan until I know what's going on and can figure out a proper time and strategy for any future planned cheating.

December 4, 217

I've recently been saying that I needed to change my self-perception to lose more weight. I need to be able to accept the possibility and eventual reality of me being thinner than I've ever imagined myself being.

Last night I had a chance to get closer. While I was at the gym lifting weights. I was between sets, and holding the one 15-pound dumbbell in both hands, my arms hanging straight down in front of me. In doing do, they sort of masked the breadth of my midsection. Out from below were my slender hips and legs. Up above was a new head, with a more slender neck and shoulders, my hair back in a ponytail (which it never is)... I stared at this strange new thin woman with my eyes and tried to see her as me.

The damage from the Indian restaurant seems to have passed. I'm 217 this morning. (I'm 217? I can't believe I'm 217.) Maybe in part because I let myself be a little bit hungry last night. When I got home to prepare dinner (crustless turkey pot pie and garlic spaghetti squash) I was obviously hungry and had a hard time NOT stuffing myself with a bowlful of turkey (which I can eat like candy) or with anything else. I ate dinner hoping that I would be satisfied at the end, and I suppose I was, but the evening dragged on another 6 hours. Ah well, nothing to be done, and a little hungry feeling can be lived with, even enjoyed.

I have a little hungry feeling still now. It bothers me because I am so ready to eat breakfast but I have to do yoga first which is going to take an hour and be plagued with hungry feelings. :-( Guess I'd better get to it. I do have a goal.

Exercise Goals, in progress

Review of Exercise Goals:

twice a week - yoga, building up to doing the entire 45-50 minute session, with focus on constant improvement

twice a week - cardio, elliptical trainer, 30 minutes, building up to 450 calories burned in a 30-minute session, to build strength, stamina and quickness in lower body muscles

twice a week - weight lifting for upper body, to regain strength

So far this week

- I've done the yoga once and succeeded in finishing the full 45-50 minute session, yay. Have to do the yoga again tomorrow to satisfy the twice a week commitment.

- cardio - Monday opted for swimming instead of elliptical for some cross-training benefits and because I was cold. Today (Thursday) got on the elliptical for 30 minutes and succeeded in doing better than last time - needed to do better than 415 (or 418?) calories, and made it to 425!! Achieved this goal with the use of a few higher-intensity intervals which actually brought my stamina up throughout the entire workout. However, I do keep an eye on my heart rate, which stays a little above the recommended rate for someone my age for cardio, however, I don't feel that this is dangerous for me.

- weights for upper body (arms and chest and back) Monday I skipped this because the swimming worked out my arms and fatigued them so I didn't think the weightlifting would be advisable. Today I finally lifted weights at my original gym which has the same scorecard I've been keeping since 2 years ago with my inconsistent bouts of weightlifting in that time. My most recent bout was this past summer, when I went in and lifted weights for a couple of months pretty regularly and saw some improvement. Today, I saw that I had fallen back. It is not my imagination that I have weakened! I don't know whether my weakness was partially due to having just kicked ass on the elliptical trainer, and I'm sure that I will make some degree of improvement rather quickly, but, at least now I know where I am and what goal to aim for, so I have a target now! And here it is:

Weightlifting Goal (by Christmas)
(each exercise is done in two sets and is represented by "reps*weight")

Exercise
Current Scores (reps*weight)
Goal (reps*weight)

Pulldown
8*120, 8*120
12*125, 12*125

Row
8*85, 8*85
12*90, 10*90

Chest Press
9*55, 9*55
12*60, 12*60

Incline Press
8*40, 8*40
12*40, 12*40

Lateral Raise
9*35, 9*35
12*35, 12*35

Overhd Press
5*20, 5*20
8*30, 8*30

Dumbbell Curl
8*15, 8*15
12*17.5, 10*17.5

Tricp Ext
8*40, 8*40
10*60, 10*60

back of leg stretch (degree angle)
L-83; R-87
L-90; R-90

These are moderate improvements especially in the shoulders which is a hard area for me to improve in - but I only have about 3 weeks to get this done anyway. I will obviously have to lift AT LEAST twice a week, maybe more, to achieve this.

how healthy is your relationship with foor (sparkpeople quiz)

Follow this link to take the How Healthy is Your Relationship with Food quiz at sparkpeople.com. My results made it into the Healthy Balance range, although I know that some of my answers would throw my average into the negative realm (having purged after binging, for example.)


A Healthy Balance


You have achieved healthy balance with food. Although you get disappointed when you get off track, you keep a realistic mindset and know that it one mistake won't make or break your success. You're concerned about making healthy food choices, but instead of letting food control you, you practice moderation. Be sure to set goals and reward yourself when you reach them; doing so will remind you that you’re making positive progress and help you continue to put your lifestyle choices into perspective.

December 3, 219.5

Ooo, too close to 220!!

Last night I honored a dinner date with my friend - restaurant dining. I had a normal meal plan breakfast and lunch, and then we went to this Indian restaurant. My intention was to eat moderately. I had Aloo Palak, naan bread, and a glass of white wine and water. I ate more of the naan bread than I might have ordinarily because it was helping me to deal with the spiciness of the aloo palak. The meal was very tasty and I ate all that was on my plate, which was a very moderate serving compared to most restaurants, so I felt okay about how much mass I ate. I was enjoying the conversation so much I didn't take time to "listen to my stomach" but I definitely never got full and I was actually worried about getting hungry again after so much carb with apparently little protein. (I came home and ate about 3 oz of turkey to quell my appetite for later snacking - it worked.) And I don't know how the spinach is prepared - tons of butter, cream, fat?? Add to that the question of sodium and water weight, and I'm back up to 219.5 this morning.

Now I've been bouncing around 218 and 219 all week, so this is no tragedy, just part of a learning experience for me to observe as I try to figure out how to "do it on my own."

Another thing I'm hoping is that "doing it on my own" will save me money on my grocery bill. So, I'll hopefully get there eventually. Gradually.

Now, though, it's been about 16 hours since last night's dinner and I'm starting to be very very hungry. Time for breakfast.

December 1, 217.5

This morning it was pretty exciting. As I drifted awake, for some reason I ran my hands over my body and could just tell that the scale would show a reduction. Sure enough, I am now a ridiculous 217.5. It is hard to believe that I now weigh about as much as I did when I graduated high school, and significantly less than I have weighed for almost my entire adult life (excluding one brief period when I got down to 207). I don't really feel different enough for that. In fact, now, stuffed with all the dinner I could manage to force into me, I feel pudgy and every bit as fat as ever. I feel like I should look better than I do, but it only shows that I have more to lose and so I'm glad the scale has shown a reduction.

Following the meal plan is second nature to me now, so that I don't really feel like I'm dieting anymore, honestly. Tomorrow night I'm going to dinner with a friend, so that will be a restaurant meal. 9 months ago I never had food in the house and always ate restaurant meals, and now my fridge and cabinets are packed and I never eat at restaurants. That's a complete reversal.

The only question is still - how am I going to keep it up for life. When left on my own, I don't have the right triggers that tell me when to eat, how much to eat, and when not to eat - I sort of realized today that none of that machinery works right for me - I have a bad gauge. I'll have to consider that a handicap or a disease and work with it.

But anyway, this is all just about being happy to have lost even more weight now that I'm not suffering for it.

As for my exercise goals (as long as I'm posting) yesterday I went to the gym and it was a cold day and I became inspired by the sight of the pool to swim instead of get on the elliptical, so I swam 30 minutes. I'm not a fantastic swimmer by any stretch. I just keep going back and forth, doing different strokes to break up the monotony and to moderate my heart rate - doing the crawl brings my heart rate up. I try to keep my heart rate at a cardiovascular level and to really pull myself through the water with my arms and to keep kicking with my legs. It's hard for me to feel like I'm getting the same kind of workout from swimming that I get other cardio ways.

And today I made it all the way through Bryan Kest's Power Yoga 1 - all 45-50 minutes. First time ever!! Now I still have a lot of improving to do. There's really a lot I don't do well - straightening my legs is, surprisingly to me, very difficult; prayer twist just wasn't happening for me today; I can't maintain a lunge - my thigh gives out. The new territory at the end of the video introduces some ab stuff (boat pose) and backbend stuff. On the other hand, I am doing much better at tree pose, as previously I have not been able to keep my foot on my thigh, and I am seeing great improvements at Reverse Triangle!!

So one of my yoga goals for December - to make it through the video - is done. Now to improve through the rest of December while doing that yoga workout twice per week. To improve the mind-body connection, strength, flexibility, grace, and a can-do attitude.

My other exercise goal for December is to do elliptical twice a week, building up to a stamina of 450 calories in 30 minutes. I have yet to see improvement, but I have only done 2 workouts since I set that goal.

Along with the elliptical I'm also supposed to be doing upper body weights. I STILL haven't. Monday I didn't do it because I fatigued my arms swimming. I will do it tomorrow, though.

Getting to exercise 4 times a week is still tough for me. I'm glad I have the inspiration of my Facebook group.

Progress Pictures for 220

Ok, I took some progress pics. Apparently the camera and I aren't getting along well these days, but I'm going to go ahead and post these now.

Here's the infamous original inspiration pic from 285:

And here's the remake at 220:

Ok, now I can tell I have definitely lost some weight. At least in the butt and legs (not so much the belly):

And here are some more through the ages, starting at 265 and ending with Now, at 220, my original goal and obviously a stopover on the way to something even smaller.

265

265

250



250

245

245

245





220

220 - look at how my pooch still expands out in front!!

220