Friday, July 31, 2009
Exercise over the past week has been:
20 minutes of yoga
weightlifting (for full-body, 1 hour - no abs still)
a one-hour walk this morning, a fine luxury
Despite the standstill weight reading, I'm still noticing changes. I was glad to have noticed a lot of new flexibility (more than I would have thought I deserved!) when doing the yoga. I notice my body is lighter when I climb stairs. With my hands, I feel differences in my rib cage (under my arms) my back and my shoulders. And, I suddenly remembered another old-time favorite garment that I haven't been able to wear and also haven't been able to get rid of - a black leather jacket. Yep, it fits now - would still like to be smaller in the midsection to really wear it well, but I couldn't wear it until fall anyway, so here's hoping!
I've noticed the little cheats. Of course, it's possible I've always cheated on my portion sizes in the diet - a fraction more of this or that, but then maybe that just compensates for all the times I leave off the cheese or forget to eat something, let alone skip dinner. This week I've been lax about fruit, piling on double helpings of watermelon and canteloupe at meals. Today I made a fruit cup and put in into one of the smaller bowls just to try and force myself not to overdo the fruit. I tried to anyway, stuffing fruit as much as I could into the little bowl. Still was better than yesterday. Yesterday I was presented with a gift of deep fried peanuts, pecan brittle, and chocolates. It was to be shared with my other two crew members. They happily snacked on the items, and I felt annoyed that it was all going to be gone and I wouldn't get any of these gourmet items that I would gladly have tasted. I did have one taste of the pecan brittle - it was delicious. I still have never had a deep fried peanut.
Well, I'm off.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I'm also a little perturbed to think I might lose Saturday as a weigh-in date. This is admittedly a bit irrational, but I tend to get irrationally attached to a system. I'll be deep in a state park on Saturday, without access to my bathroom scale on its very exact placement on the grid of the bathroom floor. Taking the scale with me would do too much damage to the consistency of the measurement. What I may do is just drive on Saturday to internet access wherever I may find it, and weigh-in with Friday's weight.
Then feel regret about having lost the opportunity to change my weigh-in to Monday. Welcome to my psychosis. I'll spare you the rest.
I have time this morning to do some yoga before I put together all my food for the day, but I'd better get started on it now. I did sort of want to go to the theatre a little early and have some dark time before rehearsal.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I remember last time I was there, I was feeling strong and so took it a little easy so as not to advance too quickly. Today for many of the exercises, it was all I could do (with sexy little grunting noises) to push to the same number of repetitions as last time. In some cases I did better, in some cases I lost a lot of gained ground (I have a very hard time gaining strength in my upper shoulder, which is okay enough by me, since I'm female, but it doesn't keep me from trying, all the while hating those overhead shoulder presses, ugh.)
Anyway, could it be that some of the lost weight over the past 2-3 weeks has been due to muscle loss? Obviously it couldn't have been ALL muscle, but it was such a significant and rapid weight loss...
Anyway, I must say that after lifting weights today, my guess is that I will lose weight less rapidly this week as my body builds back more muscle. And that's... ok. :-)
In wtf news, I gained further flexibility in the backs of my legs. Hurray, me likey.
I had a single Andes mint today. I haven't given myself a cheat day this week because of the fmaily reunion thing this week, and also I haven't really been craving one that much, I'm pretty good right now. Still, it was a funny thing for me to eat only one Andes mint.
It was good. 40 would have been better. :-)
5 days out of last week I had eggs, toast, and blueberries (+ additional accoutrements). It was fine, it was a good breakfast. I would never have thought to put blueberries on eggs.
The grilled chicken cranberry salad had good ingredients but I thought they shouldn't have been put together in one bowl. Lettuce, grilled chicken, red wine vinegar, tomato, cucumber, and dried cranberries. Eh.
The crab quesadilla, I showed you a picture of. It was ok, not great.
An awesome snack was a 6 ounces of sugar-free pudding with chopped cherries mixed in. Wow, that was heaven! And I didn't ever even think about going back for more pudding. (I told you guys I had a pudding problem.)
The beef taco salad was actually good. I liked it.
The broccoli pizza was a good snack. Liked it.
The mexican layer dip, with the fat free cream cheese, was awful. Fat free cream cheese fails as a food substance.
The grilled steak with corn and potatoes was kind of a failure. I decided to just cook it all together in the frying pan. The steak got kind of tough and I don't know I should have been more into it, but I wasn't.
The grand prize for last week goes to the Tuscan tuna sub. That whole wheat hoagie roll was always welcomed by my appetite last week, and the tuna salad inside was more artichoke hearts than tuna but gawd it was delicious and I want to save the recipe for the days in the future when I have to make myself plan my own meals.
I'll have to share the recipe with you, too. Later, when I have it.
As for next week, well I'm back on the Glycemic Index Plan (Convenience Version) which is good because I am already stocked with most of the staples and I already know most of the meals and I already know I love the food. I had so little to buy at the grocery store I was sure I'd come in under $100. I guess, what with all the dairy products and the organic tomatoes, well, this week's groceries cost me $115. Money is getting to be a BIG DEAL for me as the summer continues on without much income, and I think about getting health insurance. I hope I don't deplete all my savings.
Breakfast - Tomato, Cheese, and Avocado on 2 slices wheat bread with watermelon and milk
Snack 1 - Cottage Cheese with canteloupe and sliced almonds
Lunch - Tofu and Black Bean Salad (flavored with lime juice and cumin) with watermelon
Snack 2 - Egg and Tomato Salad with 4 Wheat Thins
Dinner - Frozen Dinner with yogurt and nuts.
I'm substituting watermelon for some of the fruits because I have this big watermelon taking up space in my fridge I have to get rid of, and it's really good. Some foods just weren't made for singles.
I went to the grocery store at 3:00 a.m. and didn't finish preparing my food for the day until 5:30 a.m. so I'm late getting to work today thanks to this stupid diet.
Well, if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask.
Neck - reduced by about 0.75 inch.
Bicep - reduced by 0.25 inch
Forearm - no change
Chest - reduced 1.75 inch (having gone up and back down - difficult measurement)
Waist - staying pretty much the same (also a difficult measurement, I just have faith that one day I'll see a change)
Hips - down 1.25 inch (also a difficult measurement, due to bulgy belly sag)
Thigh - down 0.35 inch (since a week ago, no initial measurement)
Calf - staying about the same
I figure the chest measurement has to include lost back fat, so that's great. Also loving the fat loss from the neck. Pretty annoyed at the waist. Also, would love to see that forearm measurement budge, I've noticed I'd like them to be carrying less extra. But that's not a major thing right now.
My "stats" according to today's measurements are - 46.5-47.5-49.75. Ow, what a winning hand, she's a BRICK HOUSE! Hehe. Doesn't seem like much of an apple's measurements, but I guess that's thanks to my butt sticking out (yay, that's a positive for me! Hallie no wanty flat butt.) and my hip measurement including extra belly (oh, that's an apple.) I keep looking at my boobs and wondering if they're doomed. :-( So far, it's okay though.
While poring over health insurance options with my Dad today, it came up that I am not morbidly obese anymore, I'm just obese now! Dad said he WAS really worried about me before, and now he's not worried about me anymore. Hm. Not sure how to take that, I know he loves me very much and means well, but this dignity thing of mine flares up once in a while. Anyway, it was interesting.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Today I was a hair under 240 - we'll call it 239.7 and hurrah! welcome me into the incredible 230s and on the final stretch to having lost an incredible 50 pounds. Seems like only yesterday I started this thing. Before I started this blog, weight loss had been well-paced, then when I started the blog I plateau'ed. Then suddenly it all started coming off rapidly (probably a menstrual effect.) It's hard not to let myself get too used to this rapid weight loss pace. I had the notion to get pissed off that I just went and bought 2 pairs of size 20 jeans and I may not wear them for that long. I haven't even worn one pair - I've saved those to be "good jeans" and these I'm wearing now are everyday/work jeans.
I've had 4 silk shirts collecting dust in a corner of my room since I moved into this place 3 years ago. They need to be dry-cleaned, and - hello? - I just don't include dry-cleaning in my budget! These silk blouses are the same blouse in 4 colors - purple, pink, beige, and red. The purple and red are my favorites, the pastel ones accomplish a different, more "refined" sort of look. Anyway, they were too small for me. Now they fit again. This is awesomeness. It's nice to shrink into the clothes that were too small for you. Now I might actually have to take them to the dry-cleaners.
Do you losers ever feel awkward about being around your friends who are staying fat? My friend continues to be supportive when the subject of the diet comes up, that I don't sense any resentment from her, so that's good, and I try not to let self-pride turn to gloating, or self-righteousness lead to unrequested advice. I just had an imagination that I did get thin and that it made her feel bad about herself, and that wouldn't do at all.
So, I'm having a hard time getting out the door today.
I realized that this nocturnal thing means I've pushed my meals back. I just ate yesterday's breakfast, and it's 4:00 a.m. the next day. Yesterday I went to get a Red Bull before work and was craving sweets to like an unprecedented degree. I bought a Baby Ruth and ate 1/3 of it. I realized that when I come out of this nocturnal thing, I might have spread out a week's worth of food to 8 days. Going nocturnal gets confusing - what counts as morning, what counts as today's date? What time should I get up, how long should I stay awake today, am I sleepy? But that could explain hunger, and rapid weight loss, I suppose.
Anyway I just ate yesterday's breakfast and snack. I have lunch packed and I need to go get to work so I can get something done before everyone comes in in the morning. Then I have to go grocery shopping for this week's food. And I would like to get some exercise. I was sure I was going to do it this morning before I went to sleep, but then I got too tired. It's past being too long since I've got some exercise - that's not even a diet thing, just a general health and well-being thing.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
By the way, this week's weight loss pushes up my expected goal date a week - now it's October 10. That is, of course, if there are no more plateaus or bounce-backs. And, hmm, I have a weekend family reunion this weekend where I'll have to eat on my own recognizance for 3 days! Yeah, we'll see what that does to me.
Funny how just last night I blogged that I couldn't really see the difference. Then last night I was sitting in front of a mirror and was shocked rather suddenly by what I saw. Without really seeing the itemized changes, I just saw that my face was pretty again! My eyes seemed bigger, my smile bigger. One of the things that drove me to start the diet was my frustration at how smiling just seemed to make me look ugly and sad with the specific way my face clumped up in a smile, and how my cheeks overwhelmed my eyes and mouth. It was terrible - smiling should make you look happy and pretty! This is definite progress that I can definitely live with!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Honestly, that much weight loss makes me little uncomfortable. For one thing, I haven't done anything in particular this week to deserve it. I haven't even exercised - not even to take a walk. In fact, I begin to feel like I am losing more weight because I'm not exercising. I've always liked being strong and healthy - it would be interesting if I traded in my strength for slenderness. I can imagine I would go for it, "Yes, make me slender and frail for once in my life."
So, no, frailty is not to be sought after.
I am having some health problems this week that are making me nervous. I would love to go to the doctor, but not having health insurance keeps me away, because what if they discover something I can't afford? I've been looking into getting health insurance, though I'd have to pay for it as an obese person at my current weight.
In a few months I'll be just overweight!
Those of you who commented my progress pictures, thanks for saying you can see the difference. Would you believe it, I can't. Well, not much! However, now I stand in front of the mirror, or look at myself from the front and think - "That woman doesn't need to lose weight, she looks perfectly fine." But the view from the side and back change my mind - from the back I still look kind of hulking, from the side, dumpy.
My first long-term goal has been 220 and I'm getting to the point where I can see it on the horizon. 220 is coming. My plan was to hang out at 220 for a while and see how I felt about it, try to maintain, try to live off-plan, and let my body reset its "set point." Meanwhile, I'd decide whether I wanted to lose more weight.
I've called this blog "For Real This Time" because the weight is really coming off this time and I'm really dedicated for the long haul this time. This isn't a wish anymore, it's for real! And it is, it's really happening. I get inspired my some other blogs where a person has gone from obese to slender and I try to see myself that way. I've been able to see I'm going to want to go past 220. At 285, 220 would be a dream, the answer to all my prayers. At 220, BMI still calls me obese. I'd have to get down to 200 to be just overweight. I look at my arms and I know I want them to be thinner. My upper back could exude more femininity. I want to see my face when I'm thinner. This is all not to mention my belly - I've been down to 207 before and my naked body pretty much looked the same - just deflated and sad. 190 or 180 calls to me as a next step after 220. That will take me into the holiday season - Challenge!
Anyway, tomorrow's my official weekly weigh in and it looks to be amazing, even though it makes me nervous to have lost all that weight in one week. Now I'm probably just headed for another plateau, and plateaus are worse than anything!! I'd rather just celebrate 2-3 pounds each week.
Inspired by FatFreeMe I ordered a belly dance DVD. I'm curious to see if it helps pull my belly in.
Breakfast - 554
Lunch - 548
Snack - 186
Dinner - 568
TOTAL - 1856 calories
Fitday.com - 2207 calories
Myfitnesspal.com - 2222 calories
Hi, that's over 350 calories difference! Now, granted, I had regular tortilla chips instead of baked low-sodiums in my taco salad, but surely that doesn't account for it! And Myfitnesspal.com is all looking down his nose at me, all "You're only supposed to be eating 1340 calories." Honestly, I wonder if people who undereat like that have a HARDER time losing weight? Because after I awoke from my long deep nap (like 5 hours) I stepped on the scale today and saw 241 pounds.
It's not an official weigh, but in the middle of the day it should be MORE not LESS. 241 - am I losing weight too fast all of a sudden?
I suspect getting deep sleep, occasionally skipping meals, and occasionally having my cheat days, all play a role in my weight loss success so far? That, and of course, not eating so much candy every day. (I went into a CVS yesterday and felt like, while I was there, I should buy a candy bar. Although I knew, intellectually, that I should not.)
Well, it's out of my hands. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to eat exactly what ediets tells me to and reap the rewards as they happen.
Oh, also, I realized that I'm having 2 eggs for breakfast every morning for the past several mornings. This recipe includes the whole eggs, yolk and all. I wouldn't ordinarily give myself that many egg yolks to eat in one week. I'll have to be more careful next time.
I wanted to blog about superfoods, as I read about them from - darnit - some blogger. I've just spent an hour trying to find this blog post, but I've forgotten who it is. I think I accidentally closed the window on this blog before I had a chance to bookmark it. Anyway, it was someone who had a lot of success by eating a lot of these 25 or so "superfoods." Like, she may have eaten ONLY the superfoods. Many of the foods on that list are foods I've been eating a lot of - tomatoes, almonds, avocado, blueberries come to mind in particular. I thought it was interesting and wanted to focus on "superfoods," pay attention to how many of them are in my diet.
Oh I found the article - not a blog post but a thread in a message board. I got some of the details wrong in my memory, so you can read it straight from the horse's mouth HERE.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The other thing, is, 240-245 (-254) is a range where I have spent a LOT of my life, so that I have the inclination it were where my weight naturally settles, so I have, all along, been a little dubious about how the weight would come off after this point.
Sooo, I will happily update my various weight trackers and go to work now. :-)
Oh, guess what! This new weight brings my new BMI to below 36 - It's now 35.74. (from a start BMI of 42)
Oh, and thanks for the comments on my progress pictures. I might just take some pictures of my dress, too, if only because it's the only place I'll ever wear it! I'll just have to wear it to the grocery store. Along with those purple spike heels which are so - pretty purple - with ankle strap - despite being spike heels :-/
ME AT 265 POUNDS
ME AT 245 POUNDS (oops forgot these were b&w)
What's most remarkable about these 3 progress pictures is actually not the bagginess of the clothes or the change in my shape, but the change in how easy it is to sit up. In the first picture above, my knees don't want to rise up any more for squeezing my bellyfat into my lungs and stomach and making me uncomfortable. In this last picture, sitting is no problem. Definitely a goal met!
Below are 4 more pictures I took at 285.
Below are some more progress pictures of me at 265, wearing my size 22 jeans.
Below are pictures of me at 245, wearing the same size 22 jeans as above. As you can see, they've become unflatteringly baggy.
Below are pictures of me at 245 in my new size 20 jeans (admittedly not rockstar jeans) and the t-shirt that hopefully I can shrink into. (You can't see, it has this awesome dragon faintly sketched on it - and it's so rare to find dragons I actually think are cool). You can see the ridge my belly makes above my waistline. Bastard.
Of course, I post this not because I particularly liked this meal, but just to document my diet a little more illustratively.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Now I have to make food for tomorrow because I have to go in to work tomorrow.
Tonight I went to hang with my parents, and I told my parents that I was concerned a little about how I would transition into regular life without being the dieting hard-ass I've been for the past 4 months, without just regaining. Dad said, "Just don't binge eat." Which, I must say, is a riot coming from him - he's the one who was the bad example for me growing up. Mounds up his plate, then goes back for seconds. Pile up the salt and butter. Whatever there is to eat, he's not one to be moderate. However, his body can handle it. I don't know how much binge eating I did. I ate out, I cleaned my plate, I'd get seconds on stuff I liked, I'd treat myself to drinks and/or dessert, I enjoyed candy and sweets without restricting myself. Bingeing, though? Maybe sometimes, but not so often that I remember it. Then I came home and marveled at how I was eating a pudding cup. Mmmm, tasty pudding. Back in the day, before the diet, if I did go grocery shopping, I might buy a six-pack of pudding, but if I did, I'd know it would all be gone before I went to bed that night. Ice cream sandwiches, Ben & Jerry's pints, and cupcakes - same way. But I didn't go grocery shopping often, and if I did, I might occasionally disallow myself from buying the binge items, because I knew that there would be no self-control, no stopping, with certain foods.
The diet told me to buy fat free pudding, but I opted for sugar-free instead, because I felt I'd be less likely to lose my cool and inhale all the pudding in one night. So far, so good. Sometimes over the course of the day I feel hunger but it's not out of control. Besides, as I've said, I've undereaten for the past several days. By the time I go to sleep tonight, I'll have eaten all the food in my meal plan for today - 1850 calories. I call it a victory.
I'm afraid I've been tracking my weight at fitday.com, but over at Stephen's blog I discovered myfitnesspal.com. Over there his food chart is divided up by meal which makes more sense of it than one big list of a bunch of food I ate today. But I'm not prepared to make a transition to myfitnesspal.com at this time.
So here's the link to my fitday, fwiw. http://fitday.com/fitness/PublicJournals.html?Owner=hazel7373
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I slept til 4:00pm, didn't get to the grocery store until around 9:00pm, so it was late before I started breakfast. Let me tell you, at the grocery store, I got to where I was just not interested in walking anymore. When I realized I still needed to buy something on the other end of the supermarket, I just didn't want to do it. I felt this was from not having eaten anything for about 24 hours, after having undereaten for a few days. I made my breakfast, ate it, and waited to feel my body regain strength. Over the night I've eaten lunch and snack as well, but it seems I won't be getting around to dinner. I really do intend to eat all my food. Tomorrow I'm sure I will.
Monday, July 20, 2009
So, yesterday I ran into several people who haven't seen me in a while. None of them said anything. That is FINE. I don't know if they noticed or not. If it had come up, I might have talked about it, but I wasn't really looking to talk about it with outsiders. But I do get curious about whether people will notice. It's funny, now, I remember I was sitting at a table with two people I hadn't seen in a long time, and the guy was drinking beer, and the woman was drinking raspberry lemonade. They invited me to have a drink, and when I said I'd have unsweetened tea, they tried to encourage me to have a fun raspberry lemonade. I looked at it warily. Finally I simply said, "I bet it has sugar in it." "Oh, yes, it probably does. Do you avoid sugar?" They didn't really wait for a response from me, talking instead about their own relationship with sugar, so I didn't have to say I was watching calories. And the unsweetened tea turned out to be delicious - flavored with some herbs, maybe mint. But what's hilarious is after avoiding the sugary lemonade, I went out and splurged on calories. Still, even when splurging on calories, it seems silly to me to *drink* up a lot of calories. My splurges tend to be foods I have been craving, and I don't typically get cravings for beverages with calories except alcohol. Last night's white russian notwithstanding.
So I'm just here really to declare my next short-term goal and get mentally prepared for that, and then maybe discuss my diet plans for the day.
Short-term goal - 235! Anticipated date of arrival - August 22. Seems like a long way from now. Ha. Impatient much?
Since I have a light week this week work-wise, I'm gonna continue with yoga 2-3 times per week, cardio 2-3 times per week, and I should hit the gym once to lift weights and make sure I don't lose what I've gained. But I really want to pull my abdominals in, and I don't think crunches are what I want to do. I'm even thinking what I might just do this week is a lot of tightening my abdominal muscles and holding it, like 50 times a day or whatever number seems to work. Like Kegels for the abs. Maybe some knee lifts or Pilates-type things too.
I still haven't been to the grocery store and I need to go immediately so I can make breakfast.
Today's meal plan (on the new SUMMER SEASONAL diet plan):
Breakfast - Blueberries and cream omelette with toast, milk, and cranberry juice! 555 calories
Lunch - Grilled Chicken-cranberry! salad with toast and honeydew melon (except it might be canteloupe) 542 calories
Snack - Cherries mixed with fat free pudding. 186 calories
Dinner - Sizzling southwestern crab quesadilla with canteloupe 545 calories
Hope I don't spend this week hungry and craving. I have a meal plan. Stick to it.
I still have to post those pictures for you (and for me, really)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Speaking of pricey - I decided also to switch from the Glycemic Index Plan at ediets.com to the Seasonal Diet, Summer Version. I'm treating myself to a lot of fruit this week - I luuuv fruit so that's cool. I went off the Glycemic Index Plan one week so far, and did the "Mediterranean" plan which allows for a glass of wine with dinner. I was a little worried that the foods would make me hungry and craving, but I was fine. Now I'm a little concerned with this diet that I won't be satisfied, but I'm gonna try it anyway, for a change, for a lark. Because It will be cool to eat Grape Nuts cereal and pudding and cream cheese.
This morning I grabbed what I thought were my jeans that my roommate had left outside the dryer. When I put them on, though, I thought, "Oh, they did shrink in the dryer" but then realized they weren't my jeans, they were hers. The tag said size 22. They were too short for me and tight, but they fit. The size 22s I wear now are baggy now. I'm surprised that my roomie and me both wear the same size pants. We've very different shapes. She is about a foot shorter than me (seems like maybe more?) and she doesn't have the belly I have, though her butt and legs are bigger.
I just did a photo session with some progress pictures, so I put on my old size 24 jeans to make a comparison. While those jeans are ballooning around my pelvis and legs (which they did a little bit even then, I think) the waist doesn't show much difference. The waistband still pretty much fits. You know that trick where you hold the waistband out from your tummy to show how much weight you've lost? Mine didn't show much difference. I just have to trust that it's going to go away eventually.
I'll post pictures as soon as I can upload them from my camera.
My tough week is over. My legs are tired of climbing ladders. I'm taking a couple days' break.
Oh, my roommate asked me yesterday if I felt healthier now that I've lost 40 pounds. I don't, really, not to speak of. I haven't been on an exercise program so much as a diet program. My energy level feels about the same, my strength feels about the same, my stamina feels about the same. About the only health difference I feel is that I don't seem to weigh as much when I'm climbing stairs. Mostly the difference I feel is not in my quality of health but feeling smaller in my clothes, not rubbing up against myself the same way, being able to bend over and cross my legs and fold up into a ball on the couch. I've lost fat, not gotten healthier. They're not the same thing. People don't realize that. They're statistically related, but they are separate things. I've always been pretty healthy - as healthy as many skinny people I know. I mean, I've been young, after all.
Unlike many bloggers, my dieting isn't about my health, really. If it were health I were concerned about, I'd be exercising more. Instead, I'm focusing on my caloric intake, my meal ingestions, to lose fat for the sake of my appearance. So as not to look hideous in photographs, or in the mirror, or in society. In my twenties, I did diet and exercise, but mostly exercise. Exercising got me healthy, but I didn't necessarily lose my weight. I just got to be a healthy 245-pound woman. The exception to this could be when I was running. My body was really responding to the running, changing shape and functionality. Running was tough but it was exhilarating to meet the challenge, and then to reap the benefits. God, I'd love to run again.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The bad news is, I didn't eat Snack 2 or Dinner last night (opting to go online and zone out until I was too tired instead) and then overslept this morning and didn't have time to even grab a breakfast. So, I guess I'm not on a meal plan today. But I'm also not really prepared to make it a cheat day. First of all, I don't want to gain over 245 again, so I'd like to get a couple pounds below 245 before I risk gaining. Secondly, I haven't made specific plans for what I wanted to do on my cheat day, and I don't want to waste it on mindless scattered bingeing. In fact, I think I want to eat at a restaurant or two, and that would be a good opportunity for a social engagement.
I did have some moments of thinking "Oh, well, I'm off-plan today anyway, why not go ahead and get a foot-long with everything on it and two cookies like I used to?" And it's true there's been a lot of not eating going on today and yesterday and I am hungry.
I am thinking right now I will go get a 6" from Subway and I am wrestling with myself over getting 1 chocolate chip cookie, or oatmeal raisin, or peanut butter. Ooouuugughhhhhmmmm. See how I do? But even though I'm really hungry and like cookies, I'm not in the mood to pig out. In fact, I'm sort of too hungry to think about eating too much. I think 1 cookie would be fine, and then, maybe I can find something to do for a little snack, maybe a yogurt from Subway, to last me until dinner tonight, in about 6 or 7 hours.
Maybe later tonight I'll be able to go home and make a dinner from the meal plan.
Friday, July 17, 2009
And I started my period. Which I thought I'd seen signs of, but I'm irregular. Last month or so I thought I saw signs and then it never happened. I don't know if I have phantom periods or if I get build-up or what. I was regular for a few years in my late twenties - don't remember how long that lasted. Eventually I stopped keeping track and then one day it seemed like I realized I was irregular again.
Can I blame my recent weight-loss hold-up on the monthlies? Eh, who knows?
I went out last night to hear music. If I'd gone to one bar, I would have busted my diet and had a mojito, but they didn't have any music. So I stayed alcohol-free last night. I wound up hanging out with my brother and met a lot of his friends, many of whom were very friendly and probably drunk by the end of the night. I was dressed in my size 22 jeans, which are definitely baggy-ish now, but a nice top - a little sexy, a little classy. I put on makeup and stuff, hairspray even. I started to get a sense of being on the receiving end of male attention last night - not that that's necessarily what was happening but probably I'm just not used to being around such friendly, drunk people when I am sober. Anyway, there was a time I was happy to be on the receiving end of male attention - now I'm not so sure. It's been a while since I've met anyone I felt like I could see becoming good friends with, though I would love to meet such a person, I'm not sure what that person would be like anymore. I used to know. I guess now I'm just a bit jaded.
Anyway, being seen as generally more attractive is a desirable though potentially uncomfortable change.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Finally, today, I weigh less again than I have in YEARS. It's hard to believe, either that I've been so fat for so long, or that this is weighing less than that, because I am still really really fat, haha.
Last night I finally got a full night's sleep and I'm sure my body was hard at work all night trying to repair the damage I've done to my legs with all this ladder-climbing. Wow, my legs hurt this morning. I'm glad I finally have a few hours to just lie in bed and luxuriate a bit before going back to work.
Work has been so long and intense lately it's been all I can do just to throw together two snacks and a lunch before heading out the door, or before goin to bed the night before. I have not been keeping the kitchen clean and I'm just grateful that my roommate is not as busy as she's been before so she can run the dishwasher once in a while (for a change!) A couple months ago I was very busy and working long hours, but they included plenty of time to take a mental break, I guess. I was vigilant then about keeping up with the food and keeping the kitchen and dishes clean. The past few days there've been no mental breaks, so when I come home from work, I must take a load off in a major way - zapping into the internet or tv just to zone out, reach a sort of nonactive meditative state.
But I should clean up after myself.
I'm starving and my legs hurt.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
So now these jeans don't seem to fit my butt well. I think my legs, butt, and maybe my back maybe be decreasing - but all I can look at is my belly.
When I get down to a size 20, I might have to get a whole new wardrobe, and just don't have money for that.
Screw it, I'd better gain the weight back.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Man, I wish I was still asleep. I wish it was next week.
If I tighten my abdominal muscles, my big saggy belly pulls in. I was putting off abdominal exercises until I lost weight enough so that I wasn't squunching so much belly on my attempted crunches. I suppose I should start adding abdominal exercises to my workout now, since I'm so impatient for my waist to reduce!! I want to pull them in a tighten them, which makes me wonder if Pilates, and yoga might be better than crunches? Another one that I think might be good is to suspend myself by my elbows and pull my knees up, but you need a contraption to do that.
Okay, so this is what happens with the exercise. I want the benefits of yoga, which means preferrably two days a week. I want the benefits of strength training, which means an hour at least once, maybe twice a week. Cardio should be 3 times a week, with more emphasis on the elliptical than the recumbent bike. But I also want to take walks because they're good for the soul as well as the legs and heart... When I start trying to fit in all the exercise I want to do, I get confused and overwhelmed. That's why I've been "understated" with my exercise lately and just focusing on following the meal plan. That's enough to think about, really.
I passed a restaurant today called Big Ben's Pub - British cuisine, with an outdoor patio for dining, and I thought, "Oh, I want to try that someday soon, maybe with Mom or Joey..." But a couple minutes later I remembered - I'm a prisoner of the meal plan. I can't just go to a restaurant. That's why I'm not doing restaurants and bars and parties, etc... near so freely as I used to.
So either I have to plan the British cuisine for a "cheat day" or wait until I reach my goal weight of 220 and start working on figuring out how to maintain on my own.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
These are a couple of breakfasts.
Yesterday was a potato, ham and green pepper hash with berries (since I was out of grapefruit - it was supposed to be half a grapefruit) with soy milk and diet Dr. Pepper.
This morning it's 2/3 cup part-skim ricotta cheese (the recipe called for fat-free but they didn't have it at the grocery store) with raspberries, whole wheat toast, and skim milk. I did the count on it - 480 calories. I wonder how much difference it would have made to have had fat free ricotta instead of part-skim.
Now I just need to broil 4 turkey burgers and a fish fillet for this week.
I realized at the grocery store that this is Saturday and I could technically take a "cheat day" - though I hadn't really been craving one, and I didn't especially deserve one. It had been a while since breakfast at this time, and I guess it made me a little more out-of-control. Once I had the idea in my head that I might just allow myself one candy bar (instead of an all-out binge) suddenly I wanted every candy bar I saw. My superego chastised me - "You're allowed one, you have to pick only one." In order to decide, of course, I had to imagine how each one would taste and feel in my mouth. I fairly ate 50 imaginary candy bars. I wound up choosing the Snickers bar over the Cadbury fruit and nut - I guess I wanted caramel and/or nougat more than I wanted raisins - go figure. But I also got a slice of coconut cake, which was very rich and was the last thing I ate a few hours ago. I'm facing bedtime now and I haven't eaten Snack 2 or Dinner and I don't really want them.
I figured it would be good for me to train myself a little by engaging in moderate indulgence. One that's surprising to know about me that doesn't seem to match my character is the degree to which I am all-or-nothing - I'm not real good at moderation - it is a major failing in my opinion - I aspire to find moderation in my life.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Ok, my anticipated goal date for 220 has been pushed back to October 24, which is where it was originally, but I was excited about pushing it into early October.
This week's exercise:
Saturday - none
Sunday - none
Monday - weights
Tuesday - none
Wednesday - yoga
Thursday - 30 minutes exercise bike
Friday - none (unless you count climbing ladders for 8 hours)
30 minutes on the exercise bike claims to yield 300+ calories burned. The small room is cool when I walk in, but too warm after 10 minutes into it, so I'm sure I'm creating heat. It's convenient because there's one in the condo clubhouse and I have access to it at any hour, plus I can get some reading done. Yet, last time I was on the exercise bike, I felt guilt. I thought "I can do more." I feel like I should step up, do the elliptical more often. Which may not happen this week because I may not have time for the gym, and I'd be surprised if I get any exercise in.
So today, for the diet, I have to plan this week's meal plan, buy the groceries, and possibly even prepare it all for the whole week today, with all the repetitiveness and convenience I can handle.
Man, this week is going to suck. Until I get that paycheck!! You have no idea how long it's been since I've been paid. And have I mentioned I'm about to get hit by the recession? Budget cuts means bye bye Hallie.
I saw a picture of my cousin on Facebook tonight. She had pretty much always been pretty pudgy, but at some point in time she started trying to lose weight a little bit, and now I see she's got this smokin' little waist and butt. I am jealous. She's so pretty, too, and young.
Anyway, I'm still over here trying to get any semblance of a waist at all. My Mom sent me some photographs that shocked me - oh goodness. At this point I would tell you just how ugly I looked if it weren't so overdone. I still have a long way to go, anyway, and wondered if losing weight would even help anyway. Sometimes - and it's too soon to think about this, I know - I wonder if I could keep going until I was actually slender, for once in my life, instead of aiming for a more respectable chubbiness. I have so much belly though. In my twenties I got down to almost 200 pounds, but I still had a big ugly belly, I just got skinner legs, a flatter butt, and flatter boobs.
Well, that's thinking too far ahead. I'm just taking a work break, and jealous of my beautiful cousin, and wondering why I didn't bring that burger in with me? I was supposed to be home by now, is why.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I joined ediets.com on March 28.
What I love about ediets is that they pretty much do the hard-work of meal planning for me. There are multiple diets you can choose from (Atkins, Body-for-Life, Diabetic, Mediterranean, etc...) When I joined I took a questionnaire and they put me on the Glycemic Impact Diet. This diet is designed to use foods that don't trigger increases in my blood glycose levels, which I believe cause me to crave and overeat.
Ediets has predetermined that I will eat a certain number of calories for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and 2 snacks. However, I get to pick which meals I want to eat. There are two versions to this plan - convenience and recipe-based. The convenience meals are supposedly easier and faster to put together (although many of them involve salads and chopping vegetables isn't what I'd consider most convenient.)
The convenience meals can involve a lot of frozen meals like Lean Cuisines, but because of the added salads I don't usually find them to really be more convenient than just heating up a fish fillet and some zucchini, for instance, which is generally going to taste better anyway and use better quality ingredients than most frozen dinners. But either way, the point is, I can decide for myself.
And frankly I don't think the recipe-based ones are all THAT inconvenient. Some meals appear on both lists.
So, basically, I weigh-in once a week at ediets, and based on my result, they decide whether to modify my caloric intake or whatever (I don't really know if they've done this or not, I think when I started I was on 1800 calories and now I seem to be on 1500 - not sure - I haven't really had to think about it much.) Then they give me a meal-plan, in which they seem to randomly assign meal choices. I always edit the choices, because if I eat a different meal every day my grocery bill will be through the roof. So instead I try to eat the same thing two or three days in a row, and make three days worth of dinner at once. This saves me time and money, but the process of changing the meals is arduous.
Once I've settled on my meal plan for the week, I can print out a grocery list and I can print out my meal plan. Then I just go grocery shopping, come home, put it all away, and I'm ready for the week.
Ta-da. So they do the thinking for me.
One day when I start trying to figure out how to eat on my own without ediets, I think I will put together a booklet of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners that I can mix and match and try to be a little more autonomous.
Now, I have been reminded that they have some issues - the website is not particularly user-friendly, and there are some customer service issues. I remember in my past, when I wanted to quit ediets, I pretty much just changed my credit card number rather than count on them to stop billing me. yep.
So - this morning, I had Ricotta cheese with raspberries and two pieces of whole wheat toast and a cup of skim milk for breakfast. Then for snack, ham and apple salad (with green onions to make it irresistible) which I'm having all week for snack, for convenience's sake. Lunch is going to be a veggie burger with spinach salad, soy milk, almonds and fruit. 2nd snack is going to be a "salad" of two boiled egg whites and a tomato with salad dressing and three low-sodium wheat thins. And for dinner, a I'm packing a cheeseburger (I made 4 a few days ago) with salad and cantaloupe.
Lots of good, wholesome foods. I do like that. I am paying more for food now than I was before. Sucks since I don't have any income right now.
I figure that as I get smaller and my calorie allotment reduces, I'll be adding less fruits and almonds to the main meal, but we'll see, I'm not there yet.
Not as much fun the second time around, lol.
I'm a little stressed out about work, and still waiting to get below 248 before I let my guard up, so there's not much more to say now.
Except that I'm having uncommon troubles this week with having the necessary food on hand! Every day there's some ingredient that I forgot to buy, or that's gone bad or something. It's hard to follow the meal plan when I don't have the necessary ingredients.
Ha! Just checked my progress. Now if all were going according to plan and I were losing two pounds per week, Saturday's weigh-in should be 247.5. I may not make it there, but I only have to lose another half pound by Saturday to weigh-in the same as last week. So, here goes!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sooooo, I wonder how long it will take me to get back down below 250. :-/ lol
Another thing that's been on my mind is that it'll be a good thing if I blog a little less - less pressure to provide daily results. And my blogger fasination does seem to have dwindled some, so that's good.
Basically I had 2 days "off" - yesterday and today. I could catalogue for you what I ate, but why, it makes for boring reading. Yesterday I stuffed myself with fast food and sweets, then I went out and drank myself silly. I didn't fall asleep until 6 a.m., and of course woke 3 hours later, guzzled about a quart of Crystal Light and a glass of milk and two Tums, then went back to sleep. Intrigued to wonder where all that liquid went!
Woke ashamed to think of myself last night, and determined not to go back there for a good long time, but at least I did enjoy dancing last night.
Today was family day. I planned to stay on course, but it was the Klondike bars and the lack of a predetermined portion size that swayed me. I kept going back for more, like I don't do when I'm on the meal plan.
Now I'm set to start again. Nothing bad in the house to tempt me, no reason to sway, meal plan all printed up with pre-determined portion sizes.
I keep worrying that I'm going to go off it, get slack.
Or that I'll lose the weight but won't be able to maintain when I'm on my own. That will have to be a major lesson. I may have to develop a policy about sweets - they ARE my undoing, and it cannot be controlled, and it's hard to resist when you're going on auto-pilot.
I really wanted to be able to say I'd lost 40 pounds. That would be significant. I'm ready to buy the next lowest size of jeans. But mostly, there are people who haven't really seen me and I kind of wanted to have something outrageous to show them.
Mom and Dad were here tonight, and they kept making comments about how I'm getting "skinny" and Dad scratched my back and commented that he could feel that I was really shrinking. Here I want to be gracious but I don't feel it at all. Belly belly belly belly - remember what I told you about my waist measurements from Saturday.
So... gonna have to work hard to stay on track so that I get down to 245 soon - 40 pounds lost.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
For one thing, I hit 248.5 one day early this week and got excited about getting *significantly* below 250 (below enough that a little gain wouldn't get me above 250) and also to get closer to being able to say I'd lost 40 pounds. I decided to work all week to lose even more weight before weigh-in. Normally I don't do this so much, normally I just take what comes to me, and lose 2-3 pounds. This time, I'd get on an exercise machine specifically to boost my weight loss down another half or full pound here and there. And of course, I stuck to my meal plan (although I occasionally found myself making substitutions, and am still not actually measuring my amounts for the most part). After only one day at 248.5, it bounced back to 249.5, which I accepted easily at first, but all week I kept hoping to bump back down and all week I stayed at 249.5 and did not budge. Frustrating.
Now I plan to have a "cheat day" but I don't have a lot of playroom on the scale.
My belly seems larger and heavier than ever, and I just took my measurements and it does seem like I gained everywhere except my chest. According to today's measurements, my chest is now smaller around than my waist, which is NOT what I'm going for, and my hips are reducing faster than my waist too. Once an apple always an apple I guess.
It seems possible i'm retaining water. I feel and look kinda puffy. I don't know enough to guess why I'd be retaining water - pre-menstrual?
And maybe today's cheat day will shock my metabolism?
Well - 1 pound lost since last week, and still on track for October 17th goal, but not getting safely ahead of schedule like I'd hoped. Frustration has brought me a little crisis of faith, but I am still sticking to the plan, so I obviously haven't given up all hope.
This week's exercise:
Saturday - weights
Sunday - none
Monday - 20 minutes yoga
Tuesday - none
Wednesday - 20 minutes yoga + 30 minutes elliptical
Thursday - 30 minutes exercise bike
Friday - none
Friday, July 3, 2009
That's the Beef Stroganoff recipe I'm going to use. Hope it's as good as the reviews say it is!!
My belly seems huger than ever to me. Even right now. Heavier than ever, too, when I lift it. Last night I was on the recumbent bike and had a mirror in front of me and to the side and seemed to see every bit as much belly girth as well as face fat as when I was at 280. The only difference I could tell was in the neck. Maybe I retaining water right now?
Well, speculation doesn't matter.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow's cheat day. Chocolate chip cookies for sure. I'm also thinking heavily about beef stroganoff. I'm having my family over on Sunday, though, which would be a good day to prepare beef stroganoff, but no way is regular beef stroganoff fitting into my diet. I may try to research to see how I can prepare beef stroganoff that my family will enjoy that I can have just a 500 calorie serving of. (Lo-fat sour cream probably to be sniffed at, but we'll see. there are some genius chefs out there)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Then again, maybe it's because it's 8:00 and I just had lunch. Which, considering I had breakfast at 11:45, is only an 8-hour difference instead of the planned 7-hour difference.
Anyway, Saturday's "cheat day" is looking more and more desirable now.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing a little recumbent biking with my book, just a light workout to burn a few more calories today. I have 2 days to show a 1-pound loss! (So I can have a cheat day and gain it all back again! oy. be careful)
Oh! Just remembered I also get a few nuts for lunch! Maybe those will satiate me a bit.
And then I did go to the gym because it was important to me, to hopefully push the numbers on the scale down. 30 minutes on the elliptical - not bad. (I remember days I've been more dynamic on that thing, but I'm building up from the recumbent bike these days.) My heart rate stayed a little above the recommended rate most of the time, going into the 160s and 170s (probably - when it got the 170s it was off their chart and so the HR reading got a bit off.) However, it felt fine, pretty typical - felt like exercise, you know. I know I'm getting older and should expect to exert my heart rate a little less, but I felt good.
And I did it without asthma medication. Although I will say when it was over the inside of my mouth was uncomfortably phlegmmy, especially uncomfortable around the throat. I generally assume this is my lungs clearing out with my exhalations.
So I am hoping for pleasantness on the scale tomorrow! :-D
After my workout, I was pretty sure that I wanted to have a cheat day on Saturday (which is the 4th - oo, that sucks) because I realized I really wanted those Russell Stover Roman nougats and molasses chews. Mmmmmmm. Used to love those Russell Stover boxes.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I think I'm going to go get on an elliptical trainer today and push my cardio to push myself to get a result. Right after my yoga.
I don't feel like doing yoga, actually, I just want to push the results. I learned a new 'mantra' yesterday. So when I say "I don't feel like doing yoga," I counter my negative thoughts with "Oh well." Oh, well. :-) I've really been enjoying how easy it is to bend over and reach the floor. I'm just so sleepy and lacking energy.
Speaking of energy, yesterday I danced. I danced at the store, and I really danced in my living room. Like I used to, enjoy dancing. Getting into my 280s and so on seemed to really inhibit my desire to dance. I just didn't want to, anymore. It wasn't self-consciousness. I just wasn't good at it anymore, I didn't feel like my body moved right. I don't know if I feel lighter on my feet. I know that I do feel lighter on my feet when I bound up the stairs into my apartment, that I used to trudge up.
I think I might have cheat day on Saturday - after weigh-in. Possibly Sunday.