Wednesday, September 30, 2009

September 30, 2009 230

Hey, ok, so I kinda stopped blogging for a while. I'm spending too much time attached to this laptop, you'd think that all my life happened on a laptop. Sunday I decided to have a cheat day and I went a little wild. I actually bought more sweets than I could stuff down my face, but I made a valiant effort trying! I wound up gaining 2.5 pounds back up to 231, and today I'm 230. So you see, not much to report. Just that keeping up with food preparation is difficult when you spend too much time on a laptop.

So, that's my update.

No wait, there's more. I could write more but it comes out kind of mixed up and ugly. I'm just dealing with the question of whether losing weight will give me the kind of attractiveness I want, and how much weight do I need to lose to get there? Will losing weight even make me prettier, or is the kind of figure I desire just impossible genetically for me to achieve?

But I guess there's nothing for it but to just keep going until I know that I'm there. 220's not going to be good enough, but it might do for a rest stop.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Meal Planning Headache

Okay, I set a goal to have 10 meals planned today. I did not realize it would take so long. Of course, part of that was a formatting issue with Word where borderlines would pop up where I did not want them and I could not get rid of them!!!!! ARGH!

Anyway, I have 10 meals - 7 breakfasts, 2 snacks, and 1 dinner. I was going to more but I met my goal for this week and I'm frustrated.

All of them seem a bit heavy on the carb side, while being too light on the protein side.

I tried to use some foods from my past and was able to see how caloric they are. The banana sandwich was way way carby, but I added some almonds to the meal to try to put more protein and fat in the ratio.

Peanut butter and raisin sandwich? Fuhgettaboutit! That's two meals right there. Peanut butter on an apple? Ok, but it had better be a small apple and only 1 tablespoon of peanut butter!

Well, that's done anyway. I have the rest of my life to figure out the alterations. If you want to see what I came up with...

RATIO – 53% carb/26% fat/21% protein HIGHISH CARB - LOWISH PROTEIN
· 2 oz Grape Nuts 100 calories, 1 fat,24 carb,3 protein
· 1 small peach or nectarine 31 calories 0 fat,8 carb,1 protein
· ½ cup blueberries 41 0,11,1
· ¾ cup soy milk 96 4,9,8
· 1 ½ tbsp sliced almonds 66 6,3,3
· 2 oz. lean sliced ham 60 2,2,10
· 1 slice whole wheat bread 100 1,19,5
· 2/3 tbsp low-fat mayonnaise 34 3,1,0
528 cals, 17, 77, 31

RATIO – 45 carb/33 fat/22 protein
· 2 slices whole wheat bread 220 4,40,10
· 2 oz low fat cheddar cheese 160 12,2,14
· ¼ cup avocado, chopped 60 5,3,1
· 2 tomato slices 7 0,2,0
· ¾ cup strawberries 40 0,10,1
· ¾ cup skim milk 64 0,9,6
551 cals 21 fat, 66 carb, 32 protein

RATIO – 63 carb/23 fat/14 protein HIGH CARB, LOW PROTEIN
· 2 cups corn flakes
· 1 cup 2% milk
· ½ large banana, sliced
· 1 tablespoon wheat germ
· 12 almonds
491 calories, 13g fat, 81g carb, 18g protein

RATIO - 63 carb/18.5 fat/18.5 protein HIGH CARB, LOW FAT & PROTEIN
· ¾ cup oatmeal (dry) 233, 4, 41, 10
· Cinnamon
· Raisins 1.5 oz (1 small box) 129, 0, 34, 1
· Canadian bacon – 4 slices – 60, 2, 2, 11
· 1 pat butter – 36, 4, 0 , 0
458 calories, 10 g fat, 77 g carb, 22 g protein , 9%, 71%, 20%

RATIO – 60% carb/21% fat/ 18% protein HIGH CARB, LOW PROTEIN
· ¾ c oatmeal (dry) 233,4,41,10
· Cinnamon
· Raisins 1.5 oz box 129, 0, 34, 1
· Turkey sausage – 70 grams – 120 calories, 8,1,12
482 calories, 12 fat, 76 carb, 23 protein 11%,68%, 21%

RATIO – 46% carb/33% fat/21% protein - pretty good, low protein
· 1 slice whole wheat bread 110, 2,20,5
· 2 1/3 tbsp peanut butter 233, 20, 6, 9
· 1 tbsp wheat germ 25, 1,3,2
· 2 c nonfat milk 172, 1,24,17
· ¾ cup fruit cocktail 82, 0,21,1
622 calories, 24 fat, 74 carb, 34 protein

RATIO 55% carb, 23% fat, 22% carb – HIGH CARB, A LITTLE LOW FAT AND PROTEIN
· 2 slices turkey bacon 40,3,0,4
· 2 oz low-fat cheddar cheese 160, 12, 2, 14
· 2 tomato slices 7, 0,2,0
· ½ whole wheat English muffin 67, 1,13,3
· 1 ½ oz Grape Nuts 150,0,35,5
· ½ cup blueberries 41, 0,11,1
· ½ cup cherries 46, 0,12,1
· ¾ cup skim milk 64,0,9,6
575 calories, 16 g fat, 84 g carb, 34 g protein

RATIO - 45% carb/45% fat/10% protein
· 1 small apple 55 0,15,0
· 1 tbsp peanut butter 95 8,3,4
150 calories 8 fat, 18 carb, 4 protein

RATIO - 47% carb, 35% fat, 19% protein
· 1 small apple 55 0,15,0
· 1 string cheese 70 5,0,6
135 calories 5g fat, 15g carb, 6g protein


BANANA SANDWICH - 474 calories
RATIO – 52%/27%/20%
· 1 banana 105 0,27,14
· 2 slices whole wheat bread 200 2,38,10
· 2 tbsp lite mayonnaise 100 10,2,0
· 10 almonds 69 6,2,3
474 calories, 16 fat, 69 carb, 27 protein

September 26, 228.5. Weigh-in and deflating.

Gaaawwwwd, I am so close to goal, on the charts - and still so far on the calendar. Only 8.5 pounds to go, yet that's 5 weeks away - Oct 31. How can 8.5 pounds take 5 weeks? It seems like it should take 1 1/2 weeks.

Today is weigh-in day so I have to report - 228.5! I stayed at 231 all last week, eventually dropping to 230, but suddenly today - pow - I tripped and fell into the 220s. :-D

And in a way that makes sense. My hands were all over my body feeling myself yesterday. Not in a porno way. My chin and neck and chest and shoulders - my butt - my back. And I caught a view of my forearm and wrist and I realized I didn't hate it - it seemed to have a better shape to it, a more graceful shape, not the sausage-wrist quality I felt I used to have - so that seems to indicate a difference there, too.

And - this one's a biggie - I can see a bit of a depression in the very top of my belly under my breasts. It still slopes out a little to the ridge hanging over my belly button, but at last I can see an indication that the fat is going away from there, too.

This morning they asked for measurements, too. Neck, bicep, forearm, chest, waist, hips, thigh, calf... All my previous entries into these forms are saved, so I can see what I've typed into those boxes over the months - and there wasn't much difference - in fact, several measurements seemed to have stayed the same or gone up. The exception being my hips. I had a very hard time figuring out where to take the hips measurement today before finally saying "Screw it, it doesn't change anything either way." But I think the reasons that the hips measurement was markedly different now is that my butt is flatter :-( and my sagging belly has reduced up and out of the way :-) Anyway, measurements were confusing.

The other day I put on this bra I have. Now this bra's cups have always been a little bit large on me, but this time, it was wayy too big.

And last night I took comparison pictures, which I'll have to add here today.

All this is to lead up to my concerns about losing weight. Last night after taking pictures I came home and googled "loose skin after weight loss." A few women who'd lost about 100 pounds seemed to have a tolerable degree of loose skin. What really bothers me is the boobs. Can I just say I love mine? We're talking bodies image here, right? I love my thick full hair on my head and I love my thick full boobs on my chest. No, they're not perfect, I sometimes realize. They droop a little more than I'd like. But they have always been full happy boobs.

I don't guess I'd mind going down from a DD to a D, in proportion to my weight loss, as long as the boobs don't look deflated like flapjacks!! Because I don't want implants either! It is not the same! That might help how they look, but then there is also how they feel. I could get that string that the huge-boob porn stars get and just grow them a little, maybe that would be okay.

Why am I considering cosmetic surgery for my boobs when a tummy tuck is out of the question? (Okay, maybe it's not out of the question - we'll just have to see how I come out) - I'm sure it's because I never had a waist and learned to live without it, but losing my boobs is like losing my two BABIES!!

Ok, enough breast deflation anxiety for now. Surely to be revisited at a later date.

Okay, I've lost these almost 60 pounds without any real involvement of exercise. Maintaining my eating schedule was too involving to add exercise into the mix, and I've grown so used to sitting still. I hate to say it, but my next phase should involve a greater commitment to physical training. Not too much, not so much as to compete with work and diet, but some degree of commitment to something, say 3 times a week. When you consider all the time I waste, that shouldn't be asking too much.

Friday, September 25, 2009

10 pounds to go

It's just registering with me. I'm close to my goal. Weighing in at 230 means there's nothing between me and the 220s. It also means that I weigh less than I have for most of my adult life! (And yet I'm still obese!) There's a sense of accomplishment, and of more accomplishment to come. I can't wait to change my goal weight to 180! Only 10 pounds to go! Knock on wood!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

tummy tuck offer

I was just with my Dad. The topic of dinner came up and I said I'd be making dinner at home and talked about my meal plan and groceries and he said again that he and mom talk about my perseverance and how I'm slimming.

Then he said that if I wanted, he would be willing to get me some lipo from my belly. I guess they've noticed that I'm still big there. He's offered the lipo before, so I've researched it and I know it's expensive. And I'm thinking, why do I want lipo when I've just lost 50 pounds and still planning to lose more? Yes, it's true that I'm still big around the waist and that bothers me, too, but overall I feel good about the changes in my body, and as long as I'm still in progress, I have hopes that the fat from my belly will have to go away eventually...

I said, "You know, if you have that kind of money, I've got other things I'd rather have." Dream home, dream car, travel, college tuition... He took that kind of askance and said, "Well... that's what I'm offering."

It's weird because it shows how important it is to HIM that I have a waist, more important than that I have a home or a car or my great dream of traveling the world or anything else you could do with $5000 - I have stuff I'd like HIM to do with $5000 - finish the renovations on his house, fulfill his dreams to produce the plays he wants to do and to act them while he still has time. These things have so much more substance to me than my physical attractiveness. But what he wants to spend it on it my tummy. How strange to me that it should be that important to him. It seems to say a lot. What exactly it says I'm not sure, but it makes me sad.


There was something else, what was it...

Oh, yeah. I signed up at Sparkpeople. I get notifications at my email for what I can do to prepare through Phase 1. So far I haven't done any of it, no tracking foods with their food tracker, or anything. I feel like I could make use of Sparkpeople, but I'm too confused. I feel bombarded with (not just by Sparkpeople) with information from all directions and Sparkpeople's just not winning the fight for my attention yet.

September 24, 230

HOORAY! I'm at 230 this morning, 55 pounds down, BMI dropped below 34 now, 10 pounds to go to achieve my initial long-term goal!

I should make some comparison photos now instead of the customary 20-pound interval.

The latest difference I felt was in the adjacency of my legs when I crossed them.

I'm going to have to work out-of-town for a while in October, before I reach my goal. I have to make a plan. Right now I'm thinking that, while there, I will have 2 breakfasts to choose from, 2 lunches, etc... That will keep me from being bored and malnourished without taxing my food managing needs.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Meal Planning Begins - Vegetable Beef Stew

Ok, I've been at this vegetable beef stew thing for about 45 minutes. I finally have a recipe for the book, complete with counts. I figured, what with fall and winter coming up, and this being a favorite of mine, and the convenience of keeping it in the fridge for leftovers... Vegetable Beef Stew would be a good place to start.

My problems with it? 502 calories is a bit higher than I wanted, especially since I'd love to find a way to add a square of cornbread on the side! Turns out cornbread is high in calories. Maybe when I go to maintenance phase. I had tried reducing the amount of beef in the recipe, but it made the recipe a bit carb-heavy, when considering the 40-30-30 Zone. This is much more Zone-friendly, so I now have a 500-calorie bowl of vegetable beef stew as a meal, and no cornbread, no fruit, nothing else, just the bowl of stew. Maybe I can divide the recipe into 5 servings instead of 4...

This recipe is largely based on a recipe I found at, to give credit where credit is due...

recipe makes 4 servings

502 Calories per serving
48 g carbohydrates (48%)
28 g protein (28%)
24 g fat (24%)

1 pound cubed stew beef
2 onions, chunked
2 potatoes (2 1/2" diameter) chunked
28-oz can diced (or whole) tomatoes
16-oz pkg frozen mixed vegetables
1 cup frozen okra
1 tablespoon ketchup

1. Brown steak in a skillet with the onions. Drain grease.
2. Mix all ingredients in slow-cooker. Season as desired. Cook for 4 hours on Low.

2 Days "Off"

After a busy time, I decided to reconnect with friends and fambly, so Monday I went to restaurant with family, and also had chocolate and ice cream that day. Then yesterday I went to restaurant with a friend. Neither meal was particularly unhealthy-seeming, but because I didn't actually have a calorie count, I decided to play it safe and not eat anything more. I wasn't really starving for it anyway. On both days, I ate breakfast from the meal plan and nothing else.

Today I weigh 232, so I didn't gain much, though I was looking forward to weighing 230 and making it 55 pounds lost and only 10 pounds left to lose. It's okay, I'll get there soon.

So today I'm back on so that's good. And I have the day off, with ABSOLUTELY NO external pressures or demands on me at all!! I have many things I want to do, and I kinda can't wait for my roommate to leave for the day so I can focus on myself. Just knowing she's in the apartment is a little bit of an external pressure.

Now to get up and make potato and ham hash and a grocery list for next week's meals.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Shedding, part 2

I finally found this blurb on this page:

"Weight loss. Even people losing weight in a physician-monitored program can experience some hair loss 3 to 6 months after losing more than 15 pounds. This hair loss is common, and hair growth does return to normal."

Apparently there is a 3-6 month delay in this hair loss thing. It happens with pregnancy, stress, and eating disorders. Now when I started this diet I was going through a stress thing, too, with all the meal-prep, working, and getting little bits of sleep here and therel Now I haven't been losing weight too fast, and I have been eating healthy. However, I'm going to start taking a multivitamin even though I think the damage is already done. Apparently there's nothing for it now but to wait, about a month for the hair to re-enter the growth phase, and then about 3 months for the hair to grow back in.

While waiting for the hair to regrow, I should probably take this thin hair opportunity to get a perm or at least curl my hair a few times, and do the kinds of styling things that having a ton of heavy hair makes difficult.

Below - someone else had the same thing happen, and many others weigh in on what did or did not cause them to lose weight.

Now, last night was a big awards ceremony here in town, and I also had two jobs earlier in the day. I ate my breakfast. I skipped snack and ate lunch. Then I had just the two egg whites of my second snack. I was cutting down because I thought there would be food and drink involved in the festivities. And there was, but not to the point of gluttonous abandon. I had some roast beef on a roll, and 4 Jack & Diet Cokes, a small portion of cheesy pasta, and a small portion of spinach artichoke dip on 4 little pieces of toast. I did talk about going to Waffle House, but no one else seemed really up for it, and I wasn't really hungry. It really wasn't the food I was wanting, it was the late-night after-party after-drunk camaraderie. Otherwise I was proud of myself, silently, for maintaining moderation last night, especially because it felt natural, not like I was forcing myself to do it.

I got many compliments on my appearance. I wear jeans most every day and at work I'm usually dressed casually, to get dirty, so whenever I dress up, there are always many people who compliment me just because they didn't know I could dress all feminine and wear makeup. So a lot of it was probably that, though my weight was mentioned once. Also, I won two awards and my roommate snapped a picture! So here I am, below, feeling very awkward just standing on stage for everyone to look at. I'm in the middle.

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Nearly a decade ago I lost a lot of weight. I wasn't exactly dieting, but there was a lot of exercise, and I think there were hormonal surges, I acted sort of manic, and there was hair shedding. I shed hair like crazy. My carpet was covered in a carpet of my own hair, and so was my car. I just pulled out gobs of it all the time, and then it would still come out all the time. I was concerned on a vanity point - I love having a lot of hair although it makes many styling matters impossible it is an exotic thing about me that I like and others envy.

Well, it's happening again. This time there's no mania, no hormone surges, and no exercise, but there's hair everywhere. Inconvenient when you're prepping food to find a hair on your hands, and I'm constantly having to pick it out of my cleavage.

Could this be something that happens after several months of "calorie deficiency" like a diet? Are any of the rest of you out there who have maybe lost about 50 pounds shedding a lot of hair?

Saturday, September 19, 2009

September 19, 231!

Weekly weigh-in, I'm at 231, finally some definitive reduction again. I credit either sticking (mostly) to the new 1600-calorie plan, or getting my monthly and losing tons of water weight (probably mostly that).

So, I really didn't have more to say than that.

Goal of 220 is still set for Oct 31. 11 pounds to go. A little sad to think that goal date was once supposed to be Oct 17 - that's just 2 or 3 weeks away. But Oct 31 is only a couple weeks after that.

Oh, I took some pictures of myself yesterday. I had dressed up and put on makeup for last night's previews (hardly worth the effort since I kept to myself and nobody saw me.) Amazing thing about yesterday's facial pictures - I didn't hate any of them. Usually I take pictures and out of 40, only 2 or 3 are tolerable. As you might remember, that was the straw that broke the camel's back that got me on ediets one night. Yesterday they were all pretty good. I still have a bit more cheek than the average girl ;-) Truth is I probably always will - my brother is cheeky and he's ridiculously skinny right now.

Hey, check out the full-body shot, too. That's me in my new size 18s. Looks pretty good from the front, but then you see, there's a reflection of me from the back and I still look a bit hulking from the back. Just a reminder that I still have a ways to go.

Friday, September 18, 2009

September 18, 232!!

Hello, 232, I've been waiting so long to see you.

Stayed on the meal plan again yesterday. I feel bad that that's an "accomplishment." Actually I didn't. The final dress was a catered party for the ushers at our theatre, and when I passed the bread tray and saw those slices of chewy gourmet bread I grabbed it (I was just getting ready to eat my 2nd snack). Then I grabbed one more thing - some sort of deep-fried curried ball of mash - it was very delicious. So I did not stay on the meal plan, I ate a little more than what was on the meal plan.

Started my period - I wasn't expecting that. Maybe that explains something. Not sure what it would explain.

Spent a bit of time last night squeezing my arm flab. There seems to be less fatty stuffing, making the arms flabbier now. I was fascinated to feel it and also to watch and see what my skin did, and wonder what will happen to my flab as I continue to lose weight.

I did do yoga yesterday. Just the first part, with all the dog poses and sun salutations, side stretch - warm-up stuff. But I sure felt great afterwards! Like after eating vitamin B-rich foods! I must keep doing that regularly because I like it how it makes me feel. Makes sense.

I did not walk. And since I should do something today, I think it should be a nice walk. I have the power to decide whether I want to do a lot more on this lighting design. It's ready for previews - I'd like it to be better, just for my own satisfaction. But is this play and its relatively uninspiring lighting design more important to me than my other goals in life?

Right now I'd rather (1) go for a walk (2) visit with friends and loved ones (3) explore my own creativity in ways that don't involve climbing ladders and handling dirty cable.

Tomorrow is weigh-in! I can't believe it's back again already! That's because I only just started this week's meal plan, I guess. And I've been busy. Anyway, looks like it will be a happy weigh-in (fingers crossed) and I can start looking forward to the number 230!

Also, I think I will be doing measurements tomorrow. Curious to see those.

Also. The time has come to begin preparing for life after ediets. I'm paying $18 per month for this weekly meal plan. I am glad to have lost the weight without the effort it would have taken to come up with my own plan, count my calories, and stick to it. Ediets saved me a lot of effort and confusion, both of which could have waylaid my progress and resulted in my quitting early. But, a lot of my reading list today focused on the difference between dieting and lifestyle changes for permanent results.

So, I won't make it hard on myself. I'm going to make this meal booklet, with normal meals and extravagant ones, with portion sizes, calorie, protein, fat, and carb counts, and grocery list already itemized. And my goal for this week is to have 10 - just 10 - meals ready for the new book by next Saturday's weigh-in. Hold me to it. It should be easy enough because I already have hundreds of recipes from ediets. This way if I see a food in the grocery store that inspires me, I can come home and plan a meal for it and include it in next week's meal plan!

Sound good? Well, it's what I'm going to try. So, 10 meals per week added to the meal plan book.

And, looking forward to 230.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

September 17, 233

233 pounds! I'm grabbing that number while I can. It took a few takes on the scale. Funny, when I first got to 235, I was daydreaming about 220 (even 180), but the longer I hung out at 235-240, the more my dream-vision shrunk down. Meaning, I started thinking "If I could just see 232 I'd feel some satisfaction." And then the dream of 232 became, if I could just see 233, I'd feel some satisfaction.

Yesterday went much better, in a way, although my overall productivity was terrible. I mean, I got up at 3:00 a.m. but didn't make it in to work until 2:00 p.m. And I still have a lot to do, but I seem to want to do it slowly. You know how an artist will let an unfinished canvas sit for a while, study it, make little changes, make it better, let it settle... That seems to be how I want to do this lighting design, and I think that that's very valid as an artist, although the process of theatre rarely allows lighting designers to do that. That's one reason I'm lucky to be at Actor's Theatre.

But, this blog is about my diet life, so back to the topic.

It feels much much better to be have everything printed out, and to be on the convenience plan when I am overwhelmed with the busy. There were times yesterday when I was bored or wanted to procrastinate about work and was feeling noshy and thought about eating, but then realized that I should wait if I wanted to prevent getting too hungry later.

By the time I got home that night, I was too sleepy for dinner, but I was hungry and decided I'd better make it anyway. The fish took about 10-15 minutes to prepare and cook. I ate and was asleep 15 minutes later because internet service was out.


I'm starving. But first, I'm going to get up, do yoga for the first time in forever and I miss feeling those benefits I was feeling from it this summer. I mean, it's only 20 minutes. Then breakfast, then shower, then a walk just to relax and welcome the day. Then pack up lunch and 2 snacks, and maybe dinner too. Then go to work and try to get stuff done for tonight's final dress rehearsal. There's actually an audience tonight.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Septermber 16, 234

I'm still 234, but it's a better 234. It's like 233 wavering up to 234 instead of 234 trying not to waver up into 235. 235 didn't stand a chance on the scale this morning.

Following up on my eating yesterday - I ate breakfast from the meal plan - oatmeal with nuts and apples and ham. I also made a snack to take in to work, and hoped that I'd be cut after lunch so I'd have time to go the store and could cook lunch at home and so on.

Well, as it happened, I wound up staying at work until 6:00, after which I had to go to rehearsal right away.

When lunch break came, one of my co-workers who was leaving for the day offered me her lunch - some spaghetti that she claimed (a) was good and (b) was thawed. Neither statement was particularly true, but it was free, so I accepted it and ate some of it, enjoying the meatballs, until eventually I'd had enough of stabbing at the frozen mass of noodles (too thin to be spaghetti) and that it wasn't as good as my Mom's or even my own spaghetti, and put the rest back in the freezer and ate the frozen grapes that she had also given me.

So, not sure how many calories that was but I don't think it could have been too many.

And I spent the rest of my lunch break at the library online planning next week's meals. A lot of repetition. A lot more convenience.

When I got cut from work at dinner time, I went to Subway, got a 6" turkey sub with mayo but no cheese (but I know even the light mayo is tons of calories and couldn't help wincing at the glob that came out - but I have to admit it tasted so good when I ate it!) and lots of veggies, and 1 peanut butter cookie and one chocolate chip cookie. Rah rah rah, I know, I know. I justified it by considering that my lunch had been skimpy and I skipped both snacks yesterday. In fact, I probably came in under the mark yesterday. Because I came home after rehearsal and fell asleep, having nothing else to eat.


Efforts continue, though. This morning I awoke at around 3:00 a.m. - not cool. But there you have it. After about an hour of checking Facebook and realizing I wasn't going back to sleep, I got up, showered, paid some bills, glared at my accounts to try to make them increase in value, and printed out my grocery list and my meal plan!!

Naturally, not having eaten for many hours, by the time I got to the grocery store I was a bit hungry this morning, but I resisted temptations. I saw many foodstuffs that I wanted to try - soups and cookies and so on. On the one hand, it made me want to start going solo, without ediets' help anymore. But I can tell that I would find it hard, on my own, at this point, to limit my possibilities. I like many different kinds of foods and if I started trying to decide what I wanted to eat, I would want to eat them all, and have seconds, every day that I could.

I've sensed a lack of confidence that the scale will ever go down again, but this morning at the grocery store, and yesterday in the kitchen, reminded me how to regain the feeling that I am still losing weight.

I do still want to get to 220 pounds and fit into the size 18 jeans I bought. I do still want to see my belly get as flat as my butt has. When I hit 220, I will start planning my own meals with the foods that inspire me at the grocery store. For weeks now, I've really felt the need to wrestle with that demon in order to learn to maintain and manage my own weight.

As for this week on the the low-glycemic convenience plan

Lunches are all frozen dinners with a salad or yogurt on the side. Snack 1 is cottage cheese and fruit, snack 2 is egg-and-tomato-salad. Breakfast this morning is cheese on rye with fruit, milk, and nuts (though I was really hoping for cheese, tomato and avocado on toast instead, and think I might just switch them). Dinners are a little more robust - cheeseburger with salad, fish with couscous, veggie burger with zucchini, tuna-stuffed tomato. The grocery bill looked intimidating as she scanned the frozen dinners which were about $4 each! But all-in-all I wound up at $120 which is less than average, though still more than I want to pay. But, all the same, I chose more expensive items like organics.

And I still have all this work to do today. The good news is that - I don't really have to. Everyone else seems pretty satisfied with this lighting design. But to me, it looks too flat and uninteresting. Everything's illuminated, but it's lit like a game show, not like a high-end business office. I'm having so much "lighter's block" with this play. So I'm sort of procrasting on getting started.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

September 15, 234

I made a strong effort yesterday to pack all my food for the day and stayed on plan. Today,... not so sure. Today's the last day of this week's meal plan, and I'm out of some foods because I didn't buy enough tomatoes because for some reason cherry tomatoes were excluded from my grocery list (not for the first time either! wtf?) Anyway, I've made my breakfast - oatmeal, having to wait for water to boil, now waiting for oatmeal to cool. Have to leave for work REAL shortly, may just have to take it with me.

I made 1st snack to take with me, but not lunch. I figure if I don't get cut at lunch time, I'll have something from Subway, something about 400-500 calories, right? And then I might not have time to do anything during my dinner break and then I have to work again tonight and at some point in time before tomorrow I have to plan next week's meal plan, print it out, and go grocery shopping.

At least I feel like I got enough sleep now. It's fantastic to feel rested.

I was hoping I'd lose more of this belly before Sunday. Sunday night there's a formal event and I have this dress which is real cute but the belly does still stick out. Oh, well, I guess that's just what I look like now. The dress is still cute even so.

Monday, September 14, 2009

100th post - struggling to stay on-plan

100th post. Maybe it's appropriate that I'd be struggling. I forgot to weigh myself. More work conflicts and sleep schedule issues. I woke up when I needed to sleep, then finally went back to sleep and slept through my alarm. Then woke up three hours later and realized it was late. Fortunately I couldn't have worked much anyway because the stage floor was painted and was wet. Hmmm. I needed today to be good because tomorrow I'm working somewhere else - so this is NOT working well.

I need all the time I can get at the theatre, but I showered first, then made myself make 3 meals (and ate 1) and 2 snacks rather than go for takeout. It was an odd reminder of what keeping up with the meal plan should feel like, I must have got off-track. Then cleaning up after myself. Time has passed, I must go.

Another problem coming up. At some point in time, I need to plan a new meal plan for the coming week, PRINT IT UP, and shop for it! I don't know where in the hourly planner that's going to happen. I'm not sure what I have to eat tomorrow. I definitely have to print up that meal plan.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


My diet totally derailed today. It's been building up all week. I'm not prepared, I'm not on top of it. I didn't ever print it out this week, that was my first mistake, but I'm out of cyan ink and I could have printed it out as a b&w draft but I just never printed it out. So I couldn't really ever look at it all at once. Plan ahead. So, Lesson #1. Print it out, hole punch it, put it in the binder.

Lesson #2. Do the CONVENIENCE plan on busy weeks, rather than the recipe plan. I needed to not have to put in that extra bit of effort in the cooking this week. Actually I might could have done okay if I'd spent a little less time online, but by the time I was ready for a meal, or needed to cook several meals for the day, there was more preparation involved than I had time for. In accordance with Lesson #1, it was also problematic that the meat was never defrosted when it needed to be.

Of course, I had a few odd work circumstances too, and I had a hard time with that. Today was the worst - I didn't know when to be awake, when to eat... I had been up until 6 a.m., and needed to be at work at 1, supposedly, so I set my alarm at, oh 11:15 maybe? - to prep food for the day. But at 11:15 I didn't want to get up, snooze buttoned until too late, actually made breakfast properly anyway, dashed out the door, drove to work, only to find that the person I was there to meet wasn't there! It was 1:45, and I said I'd come back later. So, not having enough time to go to the theatre and do anything worthwhile there, I went back home, showered so I'd be clean and dry for the Symphony that night, and tried to get the rest of my sleep. So much bright sunshine glaring on my face, I wavered between deep rich sleep and disturbed into slight wakeness. I had dreams - dreams about being very late back to the work site, dreams about hallucinating, all tied into one dream interrupted by disturbance into slight wakeness. The alarm went off, I hit snooze... That was my daytime - fitful, broken sleep.

Then I rose, went to the job site. And then I didn't have lunch prepared, so I did go to the Charlotte cafe and ordered grilled trout, rice and gravy, spinach, and cornbread with unsweet tea. Man, what a disappointment on all sides. Ok, the unsweet tea wasn't terrible, but I've had better. But the trout seemed way fattier than the tilapia I cook at home. Also they served 2 trout filets, so I remembered to be good and only ate one. (I saved the second for later, but it was eventually served to a stray cat, isn't that awesome!) The rice and gravy were also pasty and lardy (respectively), the spinach was out of a can and lacking flavor as well as proper texture, but the flavor! How can spinach lack that robust spinach flavor? Spinach fail. And the cornbread - worst I've ever had. I guess it's made from a mix? Pasty, no texture, blech.

So I tried to be adherent to the diet principles, but I don't think I did too well. Then I got 3 mini Peppermint patties on the way out. Huh? One, maybe even two, but three is excessive, especially for a dieter.

I went back to the job site to finish up, then rushed to the Symphony. I was very nearly late for it. After which I was stuck downtown waiting for the parking deck to let its gates up so I wouldn't have to pay. That kept me downtown another hour. I got a coffee with some nonfat milk... and a chocolate chip cookie. Huh? Stop it, not really? Yeah, I figured it would taste good with the coffee, and though it didn't taste all that great, it did create a very nice sensation in concert with the coffee. However, this was getting to be all too much of the old habits.

I got out of the downtown area and went to work, where I am now behind thanks to having taken on this other job this weekend that's kept me from working on this one for too many days now. And I didn't have any food with me, so at 3:30 I went to Cookout, the only place nearby that I knew would be open. Ugh - I didn't do too well here either. And then I had M&Ms, with the old familiar "the-day's-already-ruined-and-M&M's-would-be-so-great-right-now" thought process.

And what about tomorrow? I don't see it coming together tomorrow, either... but maybe. Maybe after work (again) I can come home, get some sleep, wake up, and prepare a bunch of meals before going to work. That's going to be hard on me, though, because tonight's the deadline, so I won't want to spend a whole bunch of time on meal preparation that will keep me from getting all the work I need to do done.

The other thing to chastise myself about is getting so slack about kitchen cleanup. There is no excuse for leaving a mess for my roommate to deal with.

And the other is that I've practically cordoned myself off from things like restaurant dining and social dining and drinking for so long, that I find myself wanting to break free a little. I should just re-instate a clear Cheat Day to alleviate these issues. The problem with Cheat Day has been that lately my Cheat Days have been externally imposed, fraught with obligation to outside demands...

I guess my focus is scattered, or maybe more like pointed toward distractions I wasn't having in the spring and summer.

Anyway, the mirror tells me I want to lose more weight, so I hope I can take my lessons and make it all easier on myself next week. Now that I'm not going to New York, I should have plenty of focus time to lose more weight before going to Asheville to work in October.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

September 12, 234

Weigh-in day 234. Maybe that's just me desperate to see a change from what I was thinking of as a steady hold on 235. But I see now I weighed in at 237 last week, and 234 the week before. So I'm back to where I was 2 weeks ago.

Probably today's weigh-in is again in part due to the skipping of meals yesterday - since I woke up late and went to bed early, I didn't have time to get around to 2nd snack or dinner.

My anticipated 220 goal weight achievement was originally set at Oct 17 but was pushed up to Oct 10th for the longest time - well now it's at Oct 31 and I see that as a problem - because of a job I took in October, out of town, doing theatre, I see the potential for problems anyway.

I keep thinking of 232. It would mean something if I saw 232 on the scale. Can't I just stick to it long enough to reach 232?

Well, I had welcomed sugary foods back into my life a little - which is fine for a day, maybe one day a week, but not two days in a row or my body gets used to it and wants more.

For some reason these days it has become very difficult to keep up with the meal prep and the kitchen maintenance. Very sluggish days for me these days.

Considering the difficulty I'm having adhering to the lifestyle these days, and the holiday season coming up, and the shifting of values a little based on my dwindling finances - it's possible I might just try to hang tight at 220 for a while rather than keep working to get down to "onederland" - even though it would be great to get there, the going is feeling slow. Honestly, I'm kind of feeling internally like I'm just not going to/supposed to lose much more weight.

I must be hungry because I just had a food craving - Charlotte Cafe - they serve veggies. Lima beans and spinach I seem to be craving now. They probably serve them from cans. Maybe I'll eat there instead of having lunch or dinner today. I wonder what the caloric damage would be. :-/

Friday, September 11, 2009

September 10, 234

Yesterday I saw the molasses in the cabinet. I love molasses and I bought that a few months ago, while I was on the low-glycemic, and haven't been able to have any. So I decided to look and see what kind of recipes they had for molasses online. I found a recipe for molasses taffy and realized I had all the ingredients. So I made some while the President spoke.

Problem was, I couldn't stop eating it. It was real good, but I should not have had as many pieces as I did. Hundreds of sugar calories. I've got rid of it all right now, because if there were any here, I'd be eating it. (Actually there are two pieces here for my roommate - she said she wanted some but she's not eating it - she might not realize I left them especially for her...)

Anyway, my reward was that the scale finally reduced to 234 when I awoke today, and my hands at rehearsal are feeling around my jaw and clavicle and shoulders thinking they can feel a difference.

I'm back on nocturnal, meaning I'm half a day late eating (I ate breakfast today at 7pm, you see). And I need to get back to work.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

September 9, 235

Holding tight at 235. I've been harping about how my calories have been reduced from 1850 or so to 1650 or so, but I was looking back through my blog last night and saw that I have been at around 1600 before. So this isn't necessarily terribly new and I wonder how my caloric allowance changes - doesn't tell me. I suppose I could ask, if I felt like it.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

September 8, 235

I'm wearing size 18 jeans. I'm sitting with the button and zipper undone. They're a bit tight. But the thing is, my size 20s are hanging on my hips. Maybe if I wear these 18s a little, they'll loosen up. Seems like jeans tend to do that. Or maybe I'll shrink into them. I started the 1650 calories diet today, back on the Glycemic Impact. Yesterday I wound up just not being on the diet at all - but all day yesterday I only ate the one meal and ate cake and ice cream (and only a little ice cream) and ate blond Oreos, and drank two glasses of wine. So today I say goodbye to sweets for at least until the weekend while I wait to see the result of this new reduction in calories and new return to glycemic control and working life. There were days, I remember, early in the dieting that I felt the light-headedness of hunger. I've felt it a little bit today, too. Then again, it's 11:30 pm and I've only just had lunch. ;-)

Monday, September 7, 2009

September 6, 235

I was 235 today. For the past 2 or 3 days my jeans have been practically falling off me. I've been swimming in them. Not that my hips and legs are my problem area, but... I'm swimming in my size 20 jeans. Seems like I may have to get back to the store and try on some 18s. That's pretty cool. I'm thinking I hope I didn't overreact to my weigh-in on Saturday when I decided to reduce my calories. I went to the grocery store today and got the food for the Glycemic Impact diet but I'm not really excited about it, either. The Fall Seasonal Diet had Grape Nuts and soups.

Look at me, I'm Miss Grass-is-Greener. It's just food. I eat whatever I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to eat it.

I had chocolate chip cookies yesterday, but I didn't cook all the dough. Even though today I'm supposed to be back on plan, I remembered the cookie dough and wanted to eat the rest. If I'd been able to find it, I would have allowed myself to eat it. My roommate must have thrown it away because I left it out. So I went to the grocery store tonight thinking about how I was craving that caliber of sweet/fat - a chocolate bar, some cake, cookies... and was thinking about cheating. One day off the wagon can put me right back where I left off. I realized I just had to tell myself "No" that it's not allowed and maybe even that I don't deserve it - if that's what works to keep me from it. I'm thinking about 232 and how nice that will be to see, so letting sweets and candy back into my life on a daily basis at this stage is not what I want.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

September 5, 237 - reducing calories


I'm not sure why I gained weight this week. I'm not saying I did or didn't deserve to. I did drink wine, I did guesstimate on the amount of whipped cream and canned pumpkin went into that pumpkin pie whip snack, plus had one or two more graham crackers than I was supposed to with that snack. I may have overestimated on the whipped cream. That stuff is of the devil. It was fat-free, but not sugar free! And the graham crackers probably also appealed to my sweet tooth.

Or maybe it's just a cyclical thing.

Today was weigh-in though, and I weighed in at 237 and I asked them to reduce my weekly calories, and I've switched my meal plan back to the Glycemic Index Plan. I have no business losing momentum when I'm still 15 (17) pounds from my long-term goal.

I'm a little worried, because if I was eating 1850 calories per day last week, apparently I'm down to 1600 calories this week. I just feel like that's a significant drop. I don't want to lose my cool because I feel like I'm starving or anything. That hasn't been a problem since I started this thing. This is the first time I asked ediets to reduce my calories - I don't know whether they've automatically done it before or not - maybe not. Maybe they just keep you at the level that works until you stop losing and request to reduce, which would mean I've been at 1850 since I was 285 pounds?

So, the upside is maybe I'll lose more weight this month.

A few potential hurdles. Today is my birthday, and it's just the first of several holidays. My family will take me out to dinner - possibly more than once if we can't all go at the same time. And I have another friend who wants to go out to dinner. And last night my roommate brought home champagne to toast my birthday, and she and I split the bottle.

Although, technically, the only holidays between now and my anticipated goal date (which is suddenly pushed back to November 7!) are my birthday, my Mom's birthday, and my Dad's birthday. There are also potentialities like a trip to NYC, and an out-of-town job for a week or two in October.

Nevertheless, aside from these birthday hurdles, I am committed to my newly reduced-cal meal plan and sort of eager to see if it brings me results.

Friday, September 4, 2009

September 4, 238

I had 4 glasses of wine last night and I'm all puffy and I weigh more, much more than 235. Not sure if I'm doing something wrong on the food intake or if it's menstrual. Anyway, I think I'm going to go back on the Glycemic Index Plan next week and see if I feel better.

slow week

It's been a slow week. No weight loss to report. Still 235. I did go jogging twice, and the dusk was nice. But I am feeling really down today, really lost. All day, and really yesterday too. I've been so low. I wish I knew how to either make it better or get away, but - if I keep going on this track, you will be berated with my negative thinking, and I'll get "chin up" comments. Maybe, hopefully, I'll feel a little better tomorrow. I'll get out of the house, go to work, have a purpose, have a task. I've been stuck in the house - no where to go without eating, spending money. Nothing to do but the same chores ad nauseum, the dishes again, the trash again, the laundry again, it never ends and it's wearing me down. Then desperately sink into Facebook, computer games, and Buffy on Hulu. Worried about gainful employment and my lack of meaningful relationships. Feel lost and stuck at the same time. Should I go to school, and if so, HOW? What should I study? Should I throw a dart at a map to find some new place to move to, and then get a job at Starbucks after I got there? Tonight to get out of the house I went looking for Greek wine, but couldn't find any. I bought 2 bottles of French - beaujolais and medoc grande reserve - drank 2 glasses tonight of the latter. Am I cheating on this diet too often now? I want to drink wine. Extra spoonful of whipped topping.

It's weird since I feel like I just had my period, like, last week or something, but I only ever cry when I'm about to get my period. This is just temporary, until my life gets better.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

August 31, 235 - calories, fall foods, and jogging

Apparently they have me on about 1850 calories per day. I checked not only because I was curious about the WW points, but also was feeling like dinner seemed a bit petite. 3 oz of pork looks pretty small, tiny little bowl of pumpkin/rice/onion stuff, and a bowl of salad. I looked all over the meal plan printout for the fruit I wanted to accompany this meal. LOL, no such luck. I will survive until morning. Looking forward to peanut butter on toast with wheat germ and milk. I picked that one not only because it sounded appealing, but also because it sounded CHEAP! But it doesn't seem like much.

The thing is I went on the Fall foods plan, and as a result, there seems to be less fresh fruit, I guess. The piles of berries and melons are not so much anymore, and I am definitely going to miss them - there just is no substitute. Even if they did drive my grocery bill up. So far I'm not just in love with this Fall foods diet, but you know what - it doesn't matter. It's not about being in love with the food right now. I mean, it's nice when that happens, but what it's really about is being satisfied with the food, skating over all that.

My weight was 235 this morning - residual from my crazed binge on Saturday? Still, I've been feeling like my pants are falling offish a little and 235 is already a miracle. And today my parents said I looked "almost just like a normal person" and asked if anyone else had noticed me wasting away to nothing before their eyes. I'm not like the rest of you - facing commentary about my weight doesn't fill me with pride. I'm appreciative that people care about me, I'm appreciative when they're along for the ride and supportive (particularly when they've been invited) and appreciative that they want to be nice to me and what that means, but I don't really need or want to be told that I look thinner all that much. It makes me kind of uncomfortable, and I deny looking all that much different. But I shared with them the pride that my t-shirt was just an XL, but when they said my belly looked "much smaller" I just hemmed and hawed about how it was not satisfactory for me, as we all know I'm having issues with it.

I'm here at 235, an immediate eye to my next mini goal at 230 (really starting to stretch below my natural settings), a long-term goal of 220, and a probable continuation down to hoping for 180 or so, which would still be overweight (BMI-wise) but I find myself wondering how much thinner I can get. Will I topple over from being too thin?!? Seriously, I'm thinking this. Unlike some people, I don't really think I'm as fat as I am most of the time. I'm comfortable at this weight. I haven't been 180 since junior high, and I don't remember what that was like. Did I topple over? I was certainly alienated for being fat back then.

Though I guess I could stand to have thinner upper arms. On the other hand, I know that's asking a lot since upper arms are flabby on many women as they age, which I continue to do despite all my foot-stamping.

Speaking of foot-stamping (man, what a great segue!!) I went jogging again today. I won't say I haven't been at all active lately because I have tended to be quite active at work lately, when there is work to be at, which there was Sunday night - and I was driven to climb many stairs and bend and pull and walk and etc... But today I had an unexpected day off, and felt myself being very sludgy. It really hasn't been unusual for me to stay in bed for two hours after waking, just lollygagging on facebook and blogger mostly. But I was aware I hadn't done any dedicated 'Exercise' in God knows how long. I thought of going to the gym, but then randomly decided to go jogging instead! I use an exclamation point because I always think of any jogging I do as sort of a victory, because for so much of my life I thought running and jogging were out of my league.

Besides, today was a victory because not only did I jog 1 lap around the block in total, but I also jogged another 3/4 lap after a brief 1/4-lap walk. 4 laps total - 2 1/4 walking ant 1 3/4 jogging. That's somewhere between 0.8 miles and a mile, I guess. I was tired, but I'd have done another lap had I not been expecting a call.

It was nice jogging at dusk. The sky was overcast and quite lavender. By the time I was done with the jog night had fallen and everything around me was midnight blue lit by harsh white lights. Mmmm.

Now I must say, when I got back home, I began to feel the pain in my pelvis. I've mentioned before, it's not unusual for me to feel a little like I'm having menstrual cramps after a jog. I wonder if other people feel the same way - women and even men, too. But tonight, it was really bad, and I was moaning and groaning in pain. I felt like I must be having a miscarriage. I knew I'd just had my period, so the pain was not related to menstruation, it's just a jogging thing I guess. I really had to get in the car and go, but I was feeling so poorly I didn't think I should drive. I figured the feeling would pass, as it always does, but then, I didn't remember it having ever felt like this before.

I will have to look it up.

Well, I know everyone has plenty to read so I try to keep these things short. And I fail.