Ok, so today seems to be the day, so far anyway, that I'm feeling more controlled and less deprived. My period started today, I've been working and sweating outside all morning and downing no-cal beverages from water to Diet Coke, so who knows if those are mitigating factors against the having-been-off-the-sugar thing. I've had breakfast and lunch and I still have my 2 snacks and dinner to have in the next 8 hours so I should be fine, I think. Yesterday I had some more sugar-free candy in addition to my meal plan (low sugar doesn't mean low calorie!) but today I seem less interested. In fact, I seemed to respond more to the sight of lollipops and gummi bears than my usual chocolates and nougats and cakes and so on. I think I tend to prefer/crave fruity foods and scented-body-washes when I'm thirsty.
My hope is that staying off the sugar will bring my binging back under control. It seems I do have an eating disorder after all - I love refined sugar foods and the more I eat, the more I want. When I'm under control, I can grant myself little allowances without messing up my system, but if I keep the allowances on a daily basis for a few days, start to increase them at all, and before you know it, it's 3 candy bars because not one of them was the one you really wanted so you hoped the three different ones might compensate, and then it's all cookies and candy and footlong subs and when do I eat next and who knows what's going on?
I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, but knowing it is a good first step. Sometimes I would think "If I just thought of myself as a diabetic or something - someone who had to eat healthy or they would die." Not that I hope to be a diabetic, of course. Maybe there could be a system where I can eat sweets one week but take the next week off or something. I don't know.
My birthday's coming up and I wonder if there's such a thing as sugarless cake. Seems possible. Some sort of applesauce cake or something. I will look and see.
Anyway, today's (hopefully) the landmark day worth noting where I don't feel like I'm starving. Given that, I'm kinda looking forward to weighing myself again tomorrow.
My meal plan's been really repetitive all week. Due to a mistake, oat bran with apples for breakfast EVERY DAY - though yesterday when I was pressed for time I had frozen multi-grain waffles with cottage cheese and blueberries. I get 2 snacks per day and EVERY DAY those two snacks are (1) a tomato and 2 egg whites with lite oil and vinegar dressing, and (2) 2 slices of tomato with cottage cheese, carrot sticks and green olives. Lunch has been either (1) a 200-cal Lean Cuisine with a tomato and cheese and balsamic vinegar salad (I had a LOT of tomatoes this week - didn't quite realize until I got around to it) or (2) a cheese-topped veggie burger on a slice of rye with fried zucchini and strawberries and almonds. Dinner has been either a ham caesar salad or a spinach and bean salad. I think the same-iness has contributed to my success - preparations were rote, and the lack of variety might have also kept me a little more unenthused by my food.
Last night I went from 4:00 pm until 10:45 pm without eating and by the time I got home I was STARVING. (I had 2-4 sugar-free candies in the car on the way home, which was around 200-300 calories.) Still, I made my snack and dinner salad when I got home - going only a little overboard with some of the ingredients, maybe, but not much if at all - but as I ate I could feel the change coming gradually as the food hit my system, and after I was done I took notice of the difference at how comparatively satisfied I felt.