248

This week, I thought I was going to be unemployed and be able to focus on my diet and getting regulated. Instead, I got a job all week and it was wonderful but I lost focus and regulation on my diet and plans for exercise went out the window. I earned money, got some reading done, and got to see some of my favorite people this week, so all is not lost. But I got on the scale this morning and weighed 250 (a couple hours later it was 248).

A long time ago I started allowing myself to break from the stringent restrictions just a little bit, and since losing 80 pounds was so easy, I figured it would be easy enough to get back on plan when I reached a certain weight I didn't want to get back above. I remember that weight being 215, 218, 225..., and months and months later I'm almost 250 and craving sweets multiple times per day.

It makes for an uninspiring blog. So I won't be publishing any more until I see some success, if I ever see success again, and I do intend to, but I don't see the point in publishing endless dodohead posts. I didn't get into the weight loss blogging for support, but to inspire others as I had been inspired.

Speaking of inspiration - some friends of mine have been losing weight. While my pants get tighter and tighter and I have fewer and fewer tops that fit, as I continue to stifle myself in the romance department because I am beating myself up inside about how I don't measure up to the minimum standard, facebook status updates are rife with people who lost that 20 pounds. (Of course, no one posts when they gain it back...)

When I start losing again, I will come back and tell you how I did it. Until then, happy losing, keep up the good fight!

(PS As for the Synthroid, it's hard to tell if it's having much effect - or the right effects - the effects I'd hoped for or other effects... I feel a little less mentally confused but then again I've had some time off and I'm not challenging my brain too much anyway. My metabolism still ain't much to write home about either.)

240

Hey. So, thanks to strep throat, my scale readings went down from 245. I started antibiotics last night and Synthroid this morning, so hopefully I will be well enough and energetic enough soon to really make a go of it back at the gym soon! I am really curious as to how this synthroid will affect me - metabolism, weight, energy, mental acuity, memory, clarity, effectiveness, focus... Maybe I'm just hoping for a magic pill to make everything better. Not that I asked for Synthroid - it was foisted upon me against my wishes. And I'm still uncertain about taking it (although my 'doc' seemed very adamant that I should take it asap, sooner rather than later, when I saw her yesterday and told her that I had held off on taking the first pill because of the strep.) But reading about the possible results of taking the drug does have me wondering if it will effectively be the answer to all my problems.

So, looking for cargo shorts to wear to work is difficult. I went to Old Navy but no luck. I finally found a merchandiser called Grainger that sells black cargo shorts for plus-sized women. Even then, choosing a size is something I'm apathetic about. Do I err on the side of too big in case I gain weight and need them to be bigger? Or do I err on the side of too small in case I lose weight? What size am I? What size am I going to be? It was a $50 pair of shorts for work. Hopefully fairly baggy shorts for work- imagine the challenge of choosing a size for a corset and lingerie and leather. We're doing a production of Rocky Horror soon and I'm kind of excited about having an excuse to dress in a bustier or some kind of outfit involving a bust and garters - in public. There are a ton of options online and it's hard enough to know what to choose, let alone what size to pick. Of course most of these garments are expensive. I would enjoy dressing to fit the part of Rocky audience member (not so much cast member) but my natural style is more Victorian, Edwardian, flower girl soft. I like a lot of the pin-striped stuff which I think would work for Rocky Horror, but I don't think pinstripes will do well with my bulges and crevices. Plain black leather is probably what would be best. It would be best to find something versatile - something that works for Rocky Horror and for me and can be worn underneath or as outerwear. Then use accessories to change the vibe as needed. And I'm thinking, instead of fishnets, just solid sheer thigh-highs (if I can get any to come up high enough on my long thick legs!) I actually liked the white - although striped ones would be pretty funky too. Honestly, I've been wanting to update my lingerie options for a long time, but not knowing what size to buy, and feeling like I can't afford it, has held me back for a long time. Now I have a real external reason to do it, even though I can't afford it now even more than ever, maybe I can worry about that later...

I do actually have a corset already - one that I historically did and didn't like - it's pretty commonly espied in a google search for plus-size corsets, even still. It's red jacquard with a sheer black lace panel in front (partially exposing my belly, something I was sorta apathetic about) but it really makes me look pretty hot (at my current size, the ties in back actually close up a lot more than they did when I first got it) and even makes me wonder why I worry about losing weight. But it doesn't seem right for Rocky Horror...

So how's that been for a weight loss blog entry? My doorbell's ringing - never a good sign.

245 ugh

My show has previewed. I'm all but done with it. I woke up yesterday morning, my first day off, with a scratchy tingly sensation in my throat which I hoped would dissolve away if I got up and moved around, but instead the longer I was out and about, the more my discomfort grew. The first day off-duty and I got sick. I didn't feel like I was pounding myself into the ground on this one, most of the time. Sleeping in, seemingly beyond my control to push myself up and out the door, I worked late nights. I did not take time to pack meals. I didn't know when I'd be awake or asleep and was confused about when that would mean I'd eat breakfast or dinner. But mostly, I used comfort food. There were many days in a row there that I ate a LOT, careening willingly into one of those Meredith Baxter Birney binges, using food to escape stress, eating junk food and fast food because that's what was available... I felt some relief at seeing that, as the stress of the deadline passed, my appetite restored to something far more moderate and normal.

Now the show is all but open, it's in previews, and I haven't yet started taking on new work. I need to focus on myself for a hot minute before I go to the next thing. Yesterday I managed to get some cleaning and administrative stuff done. Then I went out to shop for some pants to work in this summer - I really want some pants, capris, or shorts with big extra pockets. Everywhere I went I saw people wearing shorts and pants like this, yet I couldn't find any for me. So I think I'm going to actually order online - which I hate, I've never yet kept a garment that I've ordered from the internet, it's just been a pain to have to return, and get a refund but pay for postage.

So anyway, this morning I weigh 245, which is the maximum I've seen over the past week. 245! 245!! That really makes me feel awful, really. I thought I might weigh less after not eating so much the past day and over the past days and after peeing so much since last night. I would love to exercise, but the swelling in my throat tells me it's probably not a good idea to exert myself right now. >:-P Nevertheless, I will create another week's meal plan and make some plans.

update - good news and bad news

Good news first - Driving along, my biceps popped out and got all in my way, which is to say I noticed them and they seemed harder, bigger. So maybe my earlier speculation that I had built some welcome mass was true.

Now the bad news - This lighting design has overwhelmed my ability to manage myself at all, including meals. Everything is undone, again, will have to start over, next week or something.

Trying to remember now how it was that I was previously able to push aside performance anxiety on a lighting design deadline enough to manage my meals. ::siiiiigh:

:-/

I was disappointed by this "morning's" scale read - still no weight lost since I started back. Granted that I haven't been perfect, and a couple days ago I was exceptionally unperfect, which was then explained by the onset of menstruation. I really hoped that after lots of sleep and menstruation I'd finally see the difference on the scale this morning, so I was disappointed.

Here are my thoughts on it...

It could be the weightlifting. I mean, I can actually feel a considerable difference in my muscular readiness to conquer the staircase. Whenever we climb stairs at work I'm always far beyond my coworkers, but that's always the case, even when I'm unhealthy. The way I deal with stairs is to get past them! Lingering on them just prolongs my misery. Anyway, maybe there has been significant muscular weight added.

It could be the cheats. I have not been strictly adherent the way I used to be and wanted to be again. A couple of nights, right before my period, I stopped by the convenience store for a sweets binge. Sometimes I also skipped meals.

It could be all the inactivity. I stay up all night lying in bed playing video games and then sleep, so that's a lot of time lying down.

It could be that I'm scheduled for too many calories. Since I told ediets I was working out 3-5 times a week instead of 1-3 times per week, they upped my calories to 2000-2200 from the 1500-1700 I used to do when I wasn't exercising. For one thing, it's more food prep and more expensive groceries! I always used to cheat a little bit on the size of my fruit servings but since I was losing weight I didn't worry about it. Now if I'm scheduled to eat even more calories, then maybe overestimating my portion sizes is killing my results on the scale.

I'm going to stick with the exercising, and keep up the weightlifting for at least a little longer, but if I don't see a loss on the scale, and my clothes don't start fitting better, and I don't feel little hollows in my body where the fat used to be, I will ask ediets to reduce my calorie budget. And if that doesn't work, I will consult an advisor at the Y and consign myself to his or her advice/program.

I have to believe that this is going to happen for me again, but it just might have to hurt a little bit, and sometimes life distracts my focus.

5 a.m.

So, I got home from work at 3 a.m., later than I expected. It's now nearly 5 and I'm sleepy and I have not prepared any meals for tomorrow, when I will be gone to work all day. I'm sleepy, and I don't have a plan. Can I choose the right restaurant meals? I am not there yet.

Hopefully tomorrow's the last day this will happen. Maybe in the morning I'll figure something out.

239

Ok, I am down a little bit. As much as I peed since yesterday, I figured that was a good sign that the scale would show its water retention release. But I'm only down 2 pounds, and that's after skipping a significant chunk of yesterday's calories, though I also did add a berry latte (made from some powdered stuff) at the movie theatre (better than popcorn, anyway, and I didn't drink the whole thing.) There's a lot of food in this week's meals - the meals seem hard to eat for all the crunching on vegetables.

But I'm not going to harp on negatives in this blog. I like vegetables.

I meant to tell you that my doctor called me and told me, not that my cholesterol is bad (it's good) and not that I have diabetes, but that my thyroid is underproducing and she wants to put me on Synthroid. Both my parents are taking Synthroid. It's taken me two weeks to get back to her with a pharmacy to send the drugs to, for various reasons, including that I can't decide how to pick a pharmacy. Does anyone remember me complaining about indecision and confusion and lethargy? I am wondering, actually, if this treatment will result in improvement in those areas. Yet I am also nervous about starting a treatment regimen that will replace my organs at producing my hormones, for the rest of my life. The rest of my life, we hope, is a long long time still, to be taking a pill in the morning and at night. I might do better to just get along with an underactive thyroid like they did back in the day. I would prefer that my doctor talk to me about the drug instead of just give me a call with the name of a syndrome and a prescription that I'm just supposed to start taking. I know I should trust my doctor, too... I couldn't find any (many) thyroid replacement drug horror stories when I looked for them on the internet. There doesn't seem to be a big crusade against it...

Today, I don't feel like exercising. I have to be at work in 7.5 hours and have other things I want to do between now and then. Maybe I'll eventually get inspired to do some exercise. A full session of weightlifting takes me an hour, not including getting to and from the gym and being in the locker room.

I'll tell you what is true for me - it seems like, in order for me to stick to a diet, based on the success I had before, I have to do it with a sort of fatalism. No you can't do that, you have to diet.

I saw "I Am" yesterday and came out from it behaving much more pleasantly to other people. I frequently know this is a part of life where my actions don't match my values, because I believe in community and love, yet I am shy and retiring and never say hello to anyone unless they say hello to me first. The Dalai Lama is so inspiring how he smiles to greet people. It was hard to decide to see the movie because I hadn't ever heard of it, so I checked RottenTomatoes and the critics only had given it 40% good reviews. I'm not 100% behind the math and justifications of the movie, but I was inspired by it all the same. I loved the part that explained that we focus too much on the competitiveness and aggression and the strong-tramples-weak aspect of darwinism and not nearly enough on the cooperative aspects needed for survival.

I also loved this article: The Modern Mind and Social Nature