back up to 233 - Twelve Weeks?

I feel so fat. Physically fat, and mentally like a fat person. I spill over my jeans in that uncomfortable way that I hated enough to start this thing, and those jeans are too tight for me now. Do I go buy the next highest size? No.

This is the fault of my unreadiness to refuse myself Russell stover chocolate-cream easter eggs. They have 3 flavors I like and I think I need to get myself 2 of each flavor and force the richness into my sick stomach because they taste good. And this is treating myself good?

Of course today my sick stuffed feeling is exacerbated by possible food poisoning from last night. I took a chance on some leftover shrimp, but I think it was just a little too leftover.

This is actually very much how I felt when I started this journey 2 years ago, right about at this time of year. I feel like people are ignoring me and I have no friends and the people I love are not participating in my life. This manifests itself largely on Facebook, but also in my own home. I feel like I could slip away and no one would care, most wouldn't notice. And that's kinda what I did 2 years ago. And I quit chocolate.

Only this time, quitting/reducing things like refined sugar and caffeine take on a new meaning as I wonder what all is going on inside my body, worrying about my heart or the possibility of diabetes or glandular issues.

But guess what - my Dad quit smoking again. I have played with the number 12 weeks in my head - a twelve-week program with things like no chocolate, sticking to the meal plan exactly (though for the sake of my budget I must learn to make substitutions), meeting exercise goals (I have so many I don't know where to start!)

I decided to become active again and changed my meal plan specifications from "exercise 1-3 days a week" to "exercise 3-5 days a week" and guess what - my calories jumped up to 2000-2100 and I'm eating 6 meals a day now (on the Glycemic plan). (My first thought was "ack! too many calories!"; my second was "too expensive!"; and my third was "too much food preparation!") I bought the groceries tonight but by the end of that I was too wiped and sick to think of preparing tomorrow's meals so tomorrow I will rely on restaurants again but I will make good choices. Assuming I'm well enough to go to work tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I should go to sleep.

I signed on for health insurance today. Count me in among the insured! $284 per month! If I knew I could afford that I'd have done a lot more with that money. Clearly I'm going to have to pull back my lifestyle some more or look into ways to make more money. Hopefully I can have some help paying for it from the IATSE stagehands union I work with. Which might mean I'm going to become a stagehand, a real, professional stagehand. In which case, I need some training, and I need to challenge myself more. I have picked up on some hints that some people might be thinking of me as more master electrician material, which amounts to being a crew chief and liaison with some very opinionated professionals. I used to have more gumption about my ability to stand on my own and succeed and command respect, but circumstances and time have led me to a place where I prefer to sit in the background. Anyway, if I am possibly being groomed, I want to be able to face up to meet the challenge with confidence.

So Wednesday, back on plan. Lots of exercise goals. Yesterday I exercised at the gym - I spent 37 or so unsatisfying minutes on a treadmill taking what I thought was a fit test but it didn't work and I just walked 3.4 mph on a flat surface and my heart rate never rose above fat burning but that was okay and my legs did buzz numbly a little from the walking. My ankles are becoming problematic, or have been and I keep trying to hope that that will get better as I stay active... Anyway, after the treadmill I walked through a cardio dance class on my way to what I thought would be running on the track (some sprints) but I decided to stay in the dance class. It was fun but I am not good with steps. I decided I want to be good with steps. I spent all last week working with dancers, watching them dance and I thought I'd like to work myself up to maybe taking an elementary ballet class this summer or something. I definitely want to do more classes.

So today I worked out to Dancing with the Stars Latin Dance Cardio DVD and it - meh. They said I should be burning but I wasn't, until we started squatting. I often couldn't keep up with the footwork but I have some confidence that I can learn that so it comes more naturally with repetition. Sometimes they wanted me to twist faster than I could twist - I wonder what that was about - was it because my thighs are fat or because I need more quick-twitch muscle in my abs? Either way - I hope to be working out a lot more.