update - good news and bad news

Good news first - Driving along, my biceps popped out and got all in my way, which is to say I noticed them and they seemed harder, bigger. So maybe my earlier speculation that I had built some welcome mass was true.

Now the bad news - This lighting design has overwhelmed my ability to manage myself at all, including meals. Everything is undone, again, will have to start over, next week or something.

Trying to remember now how it was that I was previously able to push aside performance anxiety on a lighting design deadline enough to manage my meals. ::siiiiigh:

:-/

I was disappointed by this "morning's" scale read - still no weight lost since I started back. Granted that I haven't been perfect, and a couple days ago I was exceptionally unperfect, which was then explained by the onset of menstruation. I really hoped that after lots of sleep and menstruation I'd finally see the difference on the scale this morning, so I was disappointed.

Here are my thoughts on it...

It could be the weightlifting. I mean, I can actually feel a considerable difference in my muscular readiness to conquer the staircase. Whenever we climb stairs at work I'm always far beyond my coworkers, but that's always the case, even when I'm unhealthy. The way I deal with stairs is to get past them! Lingering on them just prolongs my misery. Anyway, maybe there has been significant muscular weight added.

It could be the cheats. I have not been strictly adherent the way I used to be and wanted to be again. A couple of nights, right before my period, I stopped by the convenience store for a sweets binge. Sometimes I also skipped meals.

It could be all the inactivity. I stay up all night lying in bed playing video games and then sleep, so that's a lot of time lying down.

It could be that I'm scheduled for too many calories. Since I told ediets I was working out 3-5 times a week instead of 1-3 times per week, they upped my calories to 2000-2200 from the 1500-1700 I used to do when I wasn't exercising. For one thing, it's more food prep and more expensive groceries! I always used to cheat a little bit on the size of my fruit servings but since I was losing weight I didn't worry about it. Now if I'm scheduled to eat even more calories, then maybe overestimating my portion sizes is killing my results on the scale.

I'm going to stick with the exercising, and keep up the weightlifting for at least a little longer, but if I don't see a loss on the scale, and my clothes don't start fitting better, and I don't feel little hollows in my body where the fat used to be, I will ask ediets to reduce my calorie budget. And if that doesn't work, I will consult an advisor at the Y and consign myself to his or her advice/program.

I have to believe that this is going to happen for me again, but it just might have to hurt a little bit, and sometimes life distracts my focus.

5 a.m.

So, I got home from work at 3 a.m., later than I expected. It's now nearly 5 and I'm sleepy and I have not prepared any meals for tomorrow, when I will be gone to work all day. I'm sleepy, and I don't have a plan. Can I choose the right restaurant meals? I am not there yet.

Hopefully tomorrow's the last day this will happen. Maybe in the morning I'll figure something out.

239

Ok, I am down a little bit. As much as I peed since yesterday, I figured that was a good sign that the scale would show its water retention release. But I'm only down 2 pounds, and that's after skipping a significant chunk of yesterday's calories, though I also did add a berry latte (made from some powdered stuff) at the movie theatre (better than popcorn, anyway, and I didn't drink the whole thing.) There's a lot of food in this week's meals - the meals seem hard to eat for all the crunching on vegetables.

But I'm not going to harp on negatives in this blog. I like vegetables.

I meant to tell you that my doctor called me and told me, not that my cholesterol is bad (it's good) and not that I have diabetes, but that my thyroid is underproducing and she wants to put me on Synthroid. Both my parents are taking Synthroid. It's taken me two weeks to get back to her with a pharmacy to send the drugs to, for various reasons, including that I can't decide how to pick a pharmacy. Does anyone remember me complaining about indecision and confusion and lethargy? I am wondering, actually, if this treatment will result in improvement in those areas. Yet I am also nervous about starting a treatment regimen that will replace my organs at producing my hormones, for the rest of my life. The rest of my life, we hope, is a long long time still, to be taking a pill in the morning and at night. I might do better to just get along with an underactive thyroid like they did back in the day. I would prefer that my doctor talk to me about the drug instead of just give me a call with the name of a syndrome and a prescription that I'm just supposed to start taking. I know I should trust my doctor, too... I couldn't find any (many) thyroid replacement drug horror stories when I looked for them on the internet. There doesn't seem to be a big crusade against it...

Today, I don't feel like exercising. I have to be at work in 7.5 hours and have other things I want to do between now and then. Maybe I'll eventually get inspired to do some exercise. A full session of weightlifting takes me an hour, not including getting to and from the gym and being in the locker room.

I'll tell you what is true for me - it seems like, in order for me to stick to a diet, based on the success I had before, I have to do it with a sort of fatalism. No you can't do that, you have to diet.

I saw "I Am" yesterday and came out from it behaving much more pleasantly to other people. I frequently know this is a part of life where my actions don't match my values, because I believe in community and love, yet I am shy and retiring and never say hello to anyone unless they say hello to me first. The Dalai Lama is so inspiring how he smiles to greet people. It was hard to decide to see the movie because I hadn't ever heard of it, so I checked RottenTomatoes and the critics only had given it 40% good reviews. I'm not 100% behind the math and justifications of the movie, but I was inspired by it all the same. I loved the part that explained that we focus too much on the competitiveness and aggression and the strong-tramples-weak aspect of darwinism and not nearly enough on the cooperative aspects needed for survival.

I also loved this article: The Modern Mind and Social Nature

241

Ok, so it's only been 2 days, not enough time for me to really rate my commitment success (I mean, how many times have I been 2 days into a diet - way more times than anyone is interested in!) - but I only wanted to express my disappointment that after 2 days there is no weight loss yet. There should have been. Plbthtbth. Ok. Tomorrow, for sure. Meanwhile I'm still exercising. Have I told you I have been back on weightlifting for a couple of weeks? Got tired of feeling unstrong in my muscles. And I lifted weights yesterday. But the mirror shows that my belly is in funhouse mirror extension mode. :-)

If I knew I was going to sleep so late I would have set my alarm. My day off is almost over, and I am destined to be up late tonight. I keep meaning to go to sleep early, but I keep staying up until 4 anyway.

May 7, 237

I think the lifting weights is helping this week. I manages to get in three full-body weightlifting sessions and followed up with cardio two of those times. Today I skipped the cardio because I need to go celebrate my Mom's bday. Next week I can do cardio in 20 minute increments, but I didn't think I'd be able to get my weightlifting in on my lunch break or dinner break, and I wanted to go ahead and get that muscle build-up started.

There has also been a grand reduction in my uncontrollable cravings. I have had Subway cookies with lunch yesterday, but overall my tendency to swerve into the fast lane has been greatly reduced. No chocolate, no candy. Yesterday when I got coffee I got popcorn as a snack - I have a new particular fondness for popcorn and have been popping it lately (in oil in the fry pan - I don't have an air popper - but my parents have one they never use.......) Anyway, I considered it a moderate choice over the cakes and pastries I would usually prefer to have chosen, and was considering, when I thought - "Meh, I don't really want that all that much, just a little something to tide me over, how many calories are in that popcorn?" It was 150.

So - I don't know why. I haven't started the diet yet, and now I'm wondering if I need to... Probably should. Could be the effect of warmer temperatures having set in, or the angle of the sun to the earth? Who knows. I still feel like I can't catch up on my task list, day in and day out. Silly things. Silly things like shopping for clothes.

So I went and did my clothes shopping last night. I was looking for work pants (preferrably cargo pants, and preferrably full-length so as to protect my shins from scrapes and bruises at work) and jeans for work and for Looking Hot. It was a bit of a nightmare, really, especially when you consider the prices. I found a pair of jeans at Lane Bryant that were not talls but seemed long enough, and if I trim the boot-cut into a straight-leg or taper, it might not matter if they do shrink up a little in the wash. I bought them because I loved what they did from waist to knee. They actually button up above my belly button, allowing me to control that unsightly pouch that burdens my shape. This is absolutely unheard of. But I came home and read reviews that say that within an hour's wear they will be FALLING OFF MY BODY they will stretch so much. I wore them about an hour last night, there was a little stretch but it's hard to imagine that waist panel coming loose.

I also got some capri jeans from Lane Bryant - they looked okay even though capris often make me feel like I look dorky, but at least the length doesn't matter so much - and some skinny jeans (also not talls, but again, doesn't matter as much with skinnies) from Old Navy.

I also got some sundresses from Ross, which is cool because I used to despair as a teen that I was too fat to wear a sundress, and now, I'm still fat, but at least they made some sundresses in my size - although in some cases it feels like they didn't account for large bosoms. I may just have to decide not to care about showing off that much of my arms, shoulders, back and cleavage. All in all, if I'm not trying to convince the world that I'm not fat, the dress is pretty flattering.

I have to go - Mom's waiting.

May 6, 2011 - 239

I have completely lost track of what's been going on with the diet. Apparently I lost 12 pounds at the beginning of this year, only a couple months ago? Well, I have gained them back and then some. I am the yo-yo. Blame?

my relationship with sweets has a growing nature. I was unable and unwilling to restrain from easter candy this year.

my relationship with Sims and Farmville, which may be taking more hours than I realize from my day, thus sapping my inspiration to take on the tasks of grocery shopping and food packing. I do well with breakfasts, but lunches and dinners throw me.

my lack of a relationship with anyone else. keeps me unenergized about life. I wish there were someone in this world I could be excited to see, some activity in my life that could keep that little spark of excitement alive in my breast and give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Am I willing to change any of the above?

Well, yes, I am willing to cut the sweets. I am figuring that was a major part of my earlier success. Get my cravings under control. Last time I posted, I had started a 3-day "cleanse." At the end of 3 days, though, I had diet sodas and candy and coffee and was starting to feel much better! Then I even played the Sims again. I actually haven't been overdoing the Sims too much. I don't think I love it that much anymore. I was actually almost done with the Sims when my computer blew out a few years ago. I had created a Sim of myself and married and had my own child who was grown and I was endeared to her and wanted to see how things went in her life. But then my computer blew up. I think if I'd had the chance to live my Sim life out, and maybe also hers, I'd have been done, because I know the "game" so well now that it's pretty rote and I play it all the same for every person no matter their personality differences.

Anyway.

I haven't even created a Me Sim yet in this game, but I do have some 2nd generation Sims all grown up and ready to procreate on their own.

Anyway.

Lately I have suffered great confusion of what to do with myself diet-wise and exercise-wise. Diet-wise, wanting to quit ediets, wanting to be somewhat vegetarian, and still popping into restaurants. Exercise-wise, wanting to do the yoga, dance, but thinking that I'm too fat now to have the luxury to rely on those exercises. Also wanting to run but my feet won't let me. Also needing time and motivation to exercise.

So this week has been like this. My home scale hit 242. (At the doctor I was 252 or so, and she confirmed my height is only 5'9 (a blow to my BMI)). My clothing is a sad situation. Most of my 16s and 18s don't fit. I have 2 or 3 pairs of jeans that do fit, and only one has legs long enough. So I go around looking like an idiot with my short wide pants legs flapping against each other. Shopping for jeans remains a nightmare because ready-to-wear likes to deny the existence of tall women. I'm also no great fan of the "boot-cut" (I prefer straight leg) but any tall plus-sized jean out there is boot-cut and that's your choice. Low-waists are also an enemy, because of course my fat upper belly just falls over them. My shape is abominable, but offended even worse by women's clothing.

It's just like it was when I started this thing in 2009(?) - clothing horrors and unable to take a picture of my own face for my Facebook photo.

So I decided that, since after all these years I'm still incompetent to manage my own lunches and dinners (due to my propensity for confusion) I should just go back on the ediets meal plan and continue to spend $17 a month on that service. Even as I type that, I don't want to do it. I want to write my own meal plans or make my meals from the multi-serving foods in the fridge. So already I have confused myself.

On the exercise front, there has been activity. I am lifting weights again. I figure it's good for weight loss and good for strength, and I desire both. Next week I have a lot of very long days, early mornings, late nights, only an hour for lunch an hour for dinner, so I'm not sure how the weight-training will fit in. Or the food-packing.

My goals for today are yoga (I did weight-training and cardio yesterday and need the limbering and all the other benefits of yoga), and to print out a meal plan for the coming week. Possibly more cardio but I also want to go shopping for clothes for me and for Mom and shopping takes a shitload of time, pardon my french, but I do not feel positive about it!

This morning I was 239.