Friday, May 6, 2011

May 6, 2011 - 239

I have completely lost track of what's been going on with the diet. Apparently I lost 12 pounds at the beginning of this year, only a couple months ago? Well, I have gained them back and then some. I am the yo-yo. Blame?

my relationship with sweets has a growing nature. I was unable and unwilling to restrain from easter candy this year.

my relationship with Sims and Farmville, which may be taking more hours than I realize from my day, thus sapping my inspiration to take on the tasks of grocery shopping and food packing. I do well with breakfasts, but lunches and dinners throw me.

my lack of a relationship with anyone else. keeps me unenergized about life. I wish there were someone in this world I could be excited to see, some activity in my life that could keep that little spark of excitement alive in my breast and give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Am I willing to change any of the above?

Well, yes, I am willing to cut the sweets. I am figuring that was a major part of my earlier success. Get my cravings under control. Last time I posted, I had started a 3-day "cleanse." At the end of 3 days, though, I had diet sodas and candy and coffee and was starting to feel much better! Then I even played the Sims again. I actually haven't been overdoing the Sims too much. I don't think I love it that much anymore. I was actually almost done with the Sims when my computer blew out a few years ago. I had created a Sim of myself and married and had my own child who was grown and I was endeared to her and wanted to see how things went in her life. But then my computer blew up. I think if I'd had the chance to live my Sim life out, and maybe also hers, I'd have been done, because I know the "game" so well now that it's pretty rote and I play it all the same for every person no matter their personality differences.


I haven't even created a Me Sim yet in this game, but I do have some 2nd generation Sims all grown up and ready to procreate on their own.


Lately I have suffered great confusion of what to do with myself diet-wise and exercise-wise. Diet-wise, wanting to quit ediets, wanting to be somewhat vegetarian, and still popping into restaurants. Exercise-wise, wanting to do the yoga, dance, but thinking that I'm too fat now to have the luxury to rely on those exercises. Also wanting to run but my feet won't let me. Also needing time and motivation to exercise.

So this week has been like this. My home scale hit 242. (At the doctor I was 252 or so, and she confirmed my height is only 5'9 (a blow to my BMI)). My clothing is a sad situation. Most of my 16s and 18s don't fit. I have 2 or 3 pairs of jeans that do fit, and only one has legs long enough. So I go around looking like an idiot with my short wide pants legs flapping against each other. Shopping for jeans remains a nightmare because ready-to-wear likes to deny the existence of tall women. I'm also no great fan of the "boot-cut" (I prefer straight leg) but any tall plus-sized jean out there is boot-cut and that's your choice. Low-waists are also an enemy, because of course my fat upper belly just falls over them. My shape is abominable, but offended even worse by women's clothing.

It's just like it was when I started this thing in 2009(?) - clothing horrors and unable to take a picture of my own face for my Facebook photo.

So I decided that, since after all these years I'm still incompetent to manage my own lunches and dinners (due to my propensity for confusion) I should just go back on the ediets meal plan and continue to spend $17 a month on that service. Even as I type that, I don't want to do it. I want to write my own meal plans or make my meals from the multi-serving foods in the fridge. So already I have confused myself.

On the exercise front, there has been activity. I am lifting weights again. I figure it's good for weight loss and good for strength, and I desire both. Next week I have a lot of very long days, early mornings, late nights, only an hour for lunch an hour for dinner, so I'm not sure how the weight-training will fit in. Or the food-packing.

My goals for today are yoga (I did weight-training and cardio yesterday and need the limbering and all the other benefits of yoga), and to print out a meal plan for the coming week. Possibly more cardio but I also want to go shopping for clothes for me and for Mom and shopping takes a shitload of time, pardon my french, but I do not feel positive about it!

This morning I was 239.

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