Sep 10, 225

La ti da ti da. Are you bored with my postponements and failures yet? I'm 225 today, and fell off track during my stressful time at work again and found myself unable to drag myself away from work long enough to prepare healthy balanced meals, or even think about healthy balanced meals. And stress binging, and rewarding myself with edible treats. And now? Now I'm getting ready to go out of town for a few days - AGAIN! Which doesn't mean I have to be bad but I'm going to visit Dad and he's not necessarily a good influence on my eating habits but he can be, but I don't have to fall into the mud just because I'm away from my kitchen without a rope - I can use this time to practice being mindful and moderate.

In wondering when's a good time to do this, I'm realizing that work isn't the issue. First of all, this laptop is probably the worst thing. I'm too addicted to it. If I don't know what to do with myself for 1 second, I reach for the laptop. Then, I don't get off it nearly soon enough. Hours of the day dissolve away unrecognized as I click click click. It's not just showing itself in my eating and exercise habits - I can't get my housework done, can't keep a decent work schedule, and can't get my bills paid on time -- this is not how I am.

Last year when I started the diet, part of it involved retreating from the world. It was a little depressive, really, a recognition that other people were not there for me and so to just pull away from them. So I wasn't scouring facebook because no one was there for me, and I wasn't seeking interaction with friends or even family so much as usual.

Anyway, I need to break from the laptop a bit and focus more on tangible earthly goals and the world around me.

I don't quit this blog because I haven't given up yet. I still intend to reach my goal. It's just that getting back on track is getting hard. So my next goal is to break from the time-consuming stuff on the internet.

Sep 3, 219

Ok, my weigh in today was up to 219. It is REALLY hard to get back on track 100% this time. If I could manage to be prepared, it wouldn't be so hard. But ok this time there's more getting in the way - and it's my work schedule. I just can't get ahead. I have to be up all night tonight and well into the day tomorrow. I'm too stressed and flaked out to even be able to think what to make. Even though I just had lunch, I'm having premonitions of breaking down and having candy-type foods in the next 20 hours some time.

Finding the commitment is harder this time around. I might not be entirely free of the effects of sugar. I also think I spend way more time on the computer than I realize even. Supposedly I have 2 snacks and a dinner left in my "day" of eating. I'm really ready to walk out the door and do some work now, not prepare food. I think they might be in rehearsal now, though, in which case I have nothing better to do than prepare some dinner and think and plan about my eating for the next 20 hours. But I am to flaked out to "think" anything out carefully. If the painter is there that's just going to be a burden for me.

By the way, last night I took a little break and went for a walk then jog. I have a long-distance friend who just posted that he jogged 9 MILES. This from being a shlub 9 months ago. I have been having foot problems and jogging on the treadmill has seemed hard and basically I just am scared to overdo it, but last night I jogged just to make sure I still could. I felt a little tightness in my heels but my cardiovascular system was on it, I only did a quarter mile but I could have gone much longer. Should I think about 9 miles?

Sep 2, 2010 218.5

Well - I was kind of worried about what today's scale would read because last night, I stayed at the theatre and worked and I got noshy and noshed on - baked cheetos (how do they even make baked cheetos?), baked sour cream and cheddar ruffles potato chips, peanut m&ms and a baby ruth. My calories for yesterday were up to around 2300. I guess I thought I'd ruined me again. But this morning (and by morning I mean when I finally awoke around 3:30 pm) I weighed 218.5. Surprised, yes. It's not like I've been starving myself enough for a binge to cause weight loss, by my understanding.

So I'm not proud of myself for cheating even if the scale seemed to have rewarded me.

I have just spent, like, 2 hours preparing and packing my food for the day. I ate the breakfast already and I feel like - I hope I am prepared to make it through the night on-plan. I saw Escape From Obesity's blog and was inspired again - I want to be not obese (again) and I want to be under 200 pounds (for once) and I want my belly to disappear and if I'm going to make it to the gym before they close I'd better get up and go.

The end of today, or the beginning of tomorrow?

Well, I stayed on the computer a couple hours longer than I meant to, then had to work to make up for that to save face. Now it's 5:45 a.m. and I'm still not going to the grocery store. It's all good, though, I'll go tomorrow afternoon before rehearsal! It only leaves the question of what to do about breakfast. I do still have eggs and toast, though, and milk and apples, so no big deal.

The other complication is that I've gone to nocturnal mode. Which means, how do I count the snack food I had tonight? As the end of yesterday or the beginning of today? In the past, I've always counted my food days as from waking to sleeping. But some days I stay up too long for that - usually to get out of nocturnal mode I stay awake until the next day rather than try to get up earlier... So I'm going by midnight to midnight, or maybe at least 2 a.m. to 2 a.m. - whatever feels right but I'm putting those baked Cheetos and peanut butter crackers down for Sep 1. After sleeping most of the day away, I'll probably be able to stay within my calorie range for this 24-hour period.