Sucks to weigh more today than yesterday.
Yesterday was a crummy day. I was most of the way through the day before I realized it was gray and rainy and therefore a low barometric pressure day. So yes, a few circumstances in my life are weighing very very heavily on me - namely that I'm not getting any workcalls this week and I need money, and romantic hopes raised followed by complete shutdown... again... added to the typical I-have-no-friends-and-my-life-is-going-nowhere-and-someone's-gonna-die-and-that's-gonna-suck-and-I-can't-afford-a-house-health-insurance-or-a-trip-to-Europe-and-if-my-car-breaks-down-I'm-screwed-and-I'm-useless-and-uunwanted stuff. It was the sort of day it took all my energy to get out of bed. I shuffled a bag of trash up to the dumpster. I shuffled over to the grocery store.
I realized I have all this free time and I'm wasting it with this depression. So, even though it's still rainy and mopey I pushed myself out the door this morning and went to the gym. I wanted to put in more effort than a piddling recumbent bike, so I hopped onto the elliptical trainer for a standing workout, but decided that - since this was my first time in a few weeks - to start low and did the "Weight Loss Interval Workout." And suffered. It was only 28 minutes but I felt like my heart rate was too high so I held back even though I wanted to push harder - have to take it easy. By the end of the workout I felt horrible - I was faint, no color (I should have been red as a beet!), cold, weak, I had a lot of abdominal pain like menstrual cramps or the need to go to the bathroom. I lay down, then I went weakly to the bathroom, where I sat for a while and then wanted to lie down but not in this bathroom, so I weakly sought out a space where I could get on the floor and put my feet up and wait to feel better.
There was no one else in this workout area and I just felt awful and found myself thinking I didn't feel like getting up or sitting up and actually thought about calling someone with my cellphone to have them call the Y to come find me and make sure my heart was still beating. But I didn't want to cause undue worry or annoyance to my roommate or my brother so I waited, curled over onto my side (which felt good to my pelvis), waited some more, then stood and faintly made my way literally only a few steps around the corner, where two fitness employees shared an office, and I stood in the doorway and said I wasn't feeling well.
They jumped to attention, had me sit down. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't in yet, but one of them took my blood pressure and said it was 90 over 50 while the other went and got me some candy. And let me tell you - I ate that chocolate before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. That's twice in 4 weeks I've broken my vow, and I consider both cases legit.
Whether because I was already improving physically, or because human interaction was good for my soul and they were friendly and easy to get along with and not at all abrasive to interact with, or because of the chocolate, or whatever, I started to feel better.
It's not the first time it's happened to me - it's relatively common after jogging and I can remember lying on the floor with my feet up at least once after a workout at the gym before, years ago. But this was such a light workout. I do have low enough blood pressure usually - my BP has never been an issue - but I was rejected from donating blood earlier this year due to low pulse - 1 point below the limit. No doctor's visit has ever expressed any concern about my arterior activity, though it can be very hard to find a vein on me and I can never feel my own pulse unless it's up around 140, though nurses can.
It's just that it was such a lightweight workout! And it's not like I'm starving myself, though hadn't had breakfast yet (something they jumped on as a possible cause - I often prefer to get my exercise in before breakfast because if I wait until after, I'm afraid I might not ever get around to exercising - but I guess I'll have to work in some kind of protein+carb snack before workouts even if it's not in my meal plan to make sure this doesn't happen again.) I drank a glass of water before going.
They asked more than once if I was a diabetic and I answered "Not to my knowledge."
One of the fitness employees talked about how arteries constrict sometimes during exercise to keep blood going where it needs to go, and maybe that's why I get pelvic pain. Personally, I think all the blood sank into my pelvis, because it certainly wasn't in my head or my arms. I tend to want to blame my (as I imagine them) loose abdominals and chastise myself for always postponing ab work.
We had a dash of sunshine while I wrote this but it's gone now. Still, maybe the barometric pressure has gone up. I'm feeling a little better, I have the house to myself and want to do all the things that I always want to do with my free time - namely learn French and Welsh and read and write and paint, these days.
I also want to write or call them, let them know I got home okay. I want to get into writing more letters, being more engaged. I wrote to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, just to thank them for the rally. I want to write to my community's leaders and my government representatives too. Not sure what I'd say but my Mom does it, her Dad used to do it, and I have a young friend who does it too.