day three - an abandoned post that I decided to publish

After two days, I've lost 7.5 pounds.

When I got out of bed this morning, I thought my legs looked like old lady legs. I am certain I have lost muscle from what I'm used to from both my thighs and calves. Maybe it's been a fairly rough several months, since I don't know when, but I remember winter was plagued by a new feeling of fear, and then this spring has felt like I was constantly trying to keep up, and I feel tired. Now maybe this is just the result of my current anxiety, but I feel tired and lazy. I don't even wash the dishes anymore - now my roommate washes them of all things. I hesitate to suggest that this lethargy could be a sign of something greater than just laziness and lack of regular exercise. I have my first annual check-up in years coming up and I'm wondering if I should mention a thyroid check? (Last time a doctor checked, maybe about 10 years ago, and I was wondering if there was some chemical wrong with me that might be thyroidic or PCOS since I was overweight, mostly abdominally, fairly hirsute and menstruating irregularly, but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels nor did I seem to have PCOS, although, actually I may not have asked the ultra-sound tech about cysts on my ovaries because I was so caught up in the possibility of having 2 cervixes, as my doctor had suggested.)

Anyway, I can't seem to get caught up and I'm tired and lazy and lethargic and losing muscle.

So on top of my stress level, there was very very palpable hostility from my tech crew today, and I'm having a hard time getting over it. Most of it is coming from the master electrician, who seems to always have something biting and angry to say, I'm scared to say anything lest she get irate about it even though I never realized anyone would interpret it as a reason for offense. In other words, I can tell she is too angry and sensitive in general and try not to take it too personally. Then there are the other two guys on the crew, who are her friends, one of whom in particular doesn't really always seem to know what to think for himself all the time but anyway, if she's angry about something, he might be inclined to line up on her side. As for me, I've pretty much decided I never want to work with her again. I'm doing all I can to be calm and like a balm, I approach her as one might approach an angry tiger, and I am over it.

So if I can't tell my true feelings right now, that's why.

Still eating clean. At the grocery store I was hungry so I bought cheats, but my cheats were comparatively bland - sushi (relatively clean except that some of the fish was treated with carbon monoxide?) but not easy to guess at the nutritional content -

That's where I left off that last one. It reminds me that there was about three weeks that happened recently where I was held hostage by a light plot, and spent my days sitting still, withdrawn into my brain, trying to work, and when I couldn't do more, I escaped into computer games, mindless activity - everything was extreme, especially my anxiety, my inability to sleep through the night (waking up due to anxiety - typically I never wake up before having a full night's sleep...) I probably salved my strained nerves with comfort food too. No wonder I came out of it fat and physically unfit.

day one

So this morning I weighed fully 5 pounds less than yesterday. I ate only breakfast and lunch yesterday and drank only water and pomegranate-blueberry lite juice. I haven't been hungry, but I just ate today's breakfast because it seemed like a good idea. I guess I need to go to the grocery store because I'm afraid I'm running out of "clean" food. (I mean I have some Lean Cuisines and canned veggies, but... I'm not even sure I should be okay about this juice, and the tablespoon of dried cranberries I had with breakfast are made with added sugar.) I awoke in a swell of anxiety last night and after trying to go back to sleep for an hour, then I tried to get up and face my light plot (sooo scared and confused!) and then my mind stopped working pretty soon after that, and I went back to sleep and wanted to get up this morning, but when I am scared of a deadline, it's like my body physically can't face it. I might feel stronger about it if I drank some coffee, but I started this *thing* and so am not doing coffee. I am sure that I would love to pig out on comfort food if it would numb these feelings of anxiety and give me something else to think about. But I did surprisingly well last night without it. I assume the fact that I got by so well on only 800 calories probably has something to do with how many extra calories I was carrying on me from the previous few days. I wonder if I'd be doing so well at not eating without the anxiety. Anyway, today 235 feels pretty good.

yuck

Today I started my 3-Day Jump Start. Twelve weeks shortened down to 3 days. I don't know how much that has to do with how bleak and sad I feel tonight. My 3-Day thingy also involves not playing The Sims, but I can still play Farmville and futz around on Facebook, which I have done for a while now adding some pictures and I'm really done. Maybe the only reason I'm here is because I don't know if I want to face this cold, dark, lonely apartment once I"ve closed the laptop. Is this because I reduced my calories - had no coffee or soda, only water and juice? had no candy or fast food, only 800 calories (so far) of clean foods? Is it my body reacting physically to withdrawal? Is it the weather? Is it that it's cold and dark and so so alone? Is it because I'm failing so at this lighting design? The lighting design is taking so much more time than I expected, and even though I turned in a plot on Thursday, my master electrician who is very grousy all the time made me feel like it wasn't good enough, and as I'm redrafting I'm realizing that there are so many uncertainties and unknowns and questions I probably should have asked or realized I was going to need to know the answers to, and I know it's not all my fault - there needed to be way more overhead supervision on this project from the in-house regulars, instead of hiring me at the last minute, but still, I thought I would be done Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... it was due Thursday - and here I was in the theatre for 4 hours yesterday and for 4 hours today and I'm still not done with the plot??? It kills me to think of it.

Then I'm here alone, which is even more alone than usual because my roommate and her boyfriend are housesitting elsewhere. I would have thought I'd enjoy the respite from feeling like they were avoiding me, and I could just enjoy "having the house to myself" but I am not enjoying it, I feel desperately alone, like if they at least were behind that door there would be someone around. Instead it feels like there is no one anywhere in the world. I don't have any friends-- He's online right now but is not being supportive of my new project on Facebook - just making a point of how much of a nobody I am to him. Today's a rotten day for having my validity affirmed.

I'm chatting with my Mom now, hope to feel better. Need to get offline though, into the quiet quiet loneliness of this apartment under the dark cold of outer space. Maybe this is all just the result of cleaning my eating today, or the barometric pressure, or the absence of two living heartbeats, just the clicking, maybe a ticking of a clock and/or the creaking of the walls...

I just realized - I'm about to start my period, probably.

I was at 239.5 pounds this morning. So the fact that I'm wearing these size 16 jeans is a joke. Part of this jump start is really just to clean my mind as well as my eatin habits and help me get to a place where I can get back on track and find the path back to weight loss.

where I am now

I have been thinking about this blog, really. I just haven't been up to rededicating myself. Not fully. These are the reasons for my downfall:

1) Full on unhealthy addiction to Russell Stover easter candy.

2) Stressful life.

3) I have started playing the Sims 2 again, plus Farmville and City of Wonder on Facebook.

Add to that, I'm not interested, for some reason, in the meal planning at ediets. My financial situation has changed and I'm not sure how that's going to affect me. I bought a new laptop and I got health insurance and I donated until it hurt to Japan tsunami relief and I've been dining out for every meal.

I'm just starting to get to a place of pulling it back together again. I went to a lot of trouble to print up a grocery list from an ediets meal plan, but when I went to the grocery store, I just went to get "a few things" and wound up getting $137 in groceries, from fresh meat and produce to some prepared/frozen/canned/processed foods. And now I'm going to try to live on that sensibly for a while. This will be nice. I think my plan is to quit ediets and maybe subscribe to Cooking Light or something. I shouldn't abandon meal planning, but I shouldn't rely on it either. I need to be able to enter a new phase that allows me to do exotic things like make enough food for a week and live off the leftovers. Eat the food I have here. Today I had a good breakfast and a lunch that was heavier than I realized when I entered it into sparkpeople, because of the potato. And the meal was very filling - a large red boiled potato, boiled mustard greens, and about 4 ounces of some kind of steak. And 5 green olives. Didn't seem like all that much. Anyway, I expect I'll transition to Sparkpeople and if I still have trouble I might try Weight Watchers for a while just for a change, or nutritional help provided by gym or my new health insurance.

I am a lot easier on myself for "failure" than the culture of weight loss typically allows for, but I do get embarrassed when I think of the name of this blog and how it was my driving force - "For real this time." Right now I'm at 236 and no clothes look good on me. When I go to the store, nothing looks good on me. It's spring and I want to dress flirtily and nothing looks good on me, and it's not because of the clothes, it's because of the 'canvas' - my body. I hate wearing jeans because my upper belly hangs out over the waistband - I HATE IT!!! It feels bad. I try girdles, they roll up. My belly feels heavy on me when I jump or run.

And I have been concentrating on getting some exercise almost every day, again, now that things have let up. It's hard because I don't feel like moving, but the weather has been beautiful for nice walks in the park, so there has been some incentive!

So that's where things are. A tentative new start. Just looking for enough mental clarity to make a real new start of it.

And probably I should start checking in on your blogs, too, see where you are and how inspiring your progresses and hardships are.