Tuesday, April 19, 2011

day three - an abandoned post that I decided to publish

After two days, I've lost 7.5 pounds.

When I got out of bed this morning, I thought my legs looked like old lady legs. I am certain I have lost muscle from what I'm used to from both my thighs and calves. Maybe it's been a fairly rough several months, since I don't know when, but I remember winter was plagued by a new feeling of fear, and then this spring has felt like I was constantly trying to keep up, and I feel tired. Now maybe this is just the result of my current anxiety, but I feel tired and lazy. I don't even wash the dishes anymore - now my roommate washes them of all things. I hesitate to suggest that this lethargy could be a sign of something greater than just laziness and lack of regular exercise. I have my first annual check-up in years coming up and I'm wondering if I should mention a thyroid check? (Last time a doctor checked, maybe about 10 years ago, and I was wondering if there was some chemical wrong with me that might be thyroidic or PCOS since I was overweight, mostly abdominally, fairly hirsute and menstruating irregularly, but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels nor did I seem to have PCOS, although, actually I may not have asked the ultra-sound tech about cysts on my ovaries because I was so caught up in the possibility of having 2 cervixes, as my doctor had suggested.)

Anyway, I can't seem to get caught up and I'm tired and lazy and lethargic and losing muscle.

So on top of my stress level, there was very very palpable hostility from my tech crew today, and I'm having a hard time getting over it. Most of it is coming from the master electrician, who seems to always have something biting and angry to say, I'm scared to say anything lest she get irate about it even though I never realized anyone would interpret it as a reason for offense. In other words, I can tell she is too angry and sensitive in general and try not to take it too personally. Then there are the other two guys on the crew, who are her friends, one of whom in particular doesn't really always seem to know what to think for himself all the time but anyway, if she's angry about something, he might be inclined to line up on her side. As for me, I've pretty much decided I never want to work with her again. I'm doing all I can to be calm and like a balm, I approach her as one might approach an angry tiger, and I am over it.

So if I can't tell my true feelings right now, that's why.

Still eating clean. At the grocery store I was hungry so I bought cheats, but my cheats were comparatively bland - sushi (relatively clean except that some of the fish was treated with carbon monoxide?) but not easy to guess at the nutritional content -

That's where I left off that last one. It reminds me that there was about three weeks that happened recently where I was held hostage by a light plot, and spent my days sitting still, withdrawn into my brain, trying to work, and when I couldn't do more, I escaped into computer games, mindless activity - everything was extreme, especially my anxiety, my inability to sleep through the night (waking up due to anxiety - typically I never wake up before having a full night's sleep...) I probably salved my strained nerves with comfort food too. No wonder I came out of it fat and physically unfit.

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