Sunday, April 17, 2011

yuck

Today I started my 3-Day Jump Start. Twelve weeks shortened down to 3 days. I don't know how much that has to do with how bleak and sad I feel tonight. My 3-Day thingy also involves not playing The Sims, but I can still play Farmville and futz around on Facebook, which I have done for a while now adding some pictures and I'm really done. Maybe the only reason I'm here is because I don't know if I want to face this cold, dark, lonely apartment once I"ve closed the laptop. Is this because I reduced my calories - had no coffee or soda, only water and juice? had no candy or fast food, only 800 calories (so far) of clean foods? Is it my body reacting physically to withdrawal? Is it the weather? Is it that it's cold and dark and so so alone? Is it because I'm failing so at this lighting design? The lighting design is taking so much more time than I expected, and even though I turned in a plot on Thursday, my master electrician who is very grousy all the time made me feel like it wasn't good enough, and as I'm redrafting I'm realizing that there are so many uncertainties and unknowns and questions I probably should have asked or realized I was going to need to know the answers to, and I know it's not all my fault - there needed to be way more overhead supervision on this project from the in-house regulars, instead of hiring me at the last minute, but still, I thought I would be done Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... it was due Thursday - and here I was in the theatre for 4 hours yesterday and for 4 hours today and I'm still not done with the plot??? It kills me to think of it.

Then I'm here alone, which is even more alone than usual because my roommate and her boyfriend are housesitting elsewhere. I would have thought I'd enjoy the respite from feeling like they were avoiding me, and I could just enjoy "having the house to myself" but I am not enjoying it, I feel desperately alone, like if they at least were behind that door there would be someone around. Instead it feels like there is no one anywhere in the world. I don't have any friends-- He's online right now but is not being supportive of my new project on Facebook - just making a point of how much of a nobody I am to him. Today's a rotten day for having my validity affirmed.

I'm chatting with my Mom now, hope to feel better. Need to get offline though, into the quiet quiet loneliness of this apartment under the dark cold of outer space. Maybe this is all just the result of cleaning my eating today, or the barometric pressure, or the absence of two living heartbeats, just the clicking, maybe a ticking of a clock and/or the creaking of the walls...

I just realized - I'm about to start my period, probably.

I was at 239.5 pounds this morning. So the fact that I'm wearing these size 16 jeans is a joke. Part of this jump start is really just to clean my mind as well as my eatin habits and help me get to a place where I can get back on track and find the path back to weight loss.

1 comment:

Grace. said...

Hey :)

I know that wierd, kinda scary, super lonely awful feeling when the laptop lid closes. I have one of those glade light base thingys in my bedroom, it is pretty and it makes me feel less alone. Its Wierd lol