Then I'm here alone, which is even more alone than usual because my roommate and her boyfriend are housesitting elsewhere. I would have thought I'd enjoy the respite from feeling like they were avoiding me, and I could just enjoy "having the house to myself" but I am not enjoying it, I feel desperately alone, like if they at least were behind that door there would be someone around. Instead it feels like there is no one anywhere in the world. I don't have any friends-- He's online right now but is not being supportive of my new project on Facebook - just making a point of how much of a nobody I am to him. Today's a rotten day for having my validity affirmed.
I'm chatting with my Mom now, hope to feel better. Need to get offline though, into the quiet quiet loneliness of this apartment under the dark cold of outer space. Maybe this is all just the result of cleaning my eating today, or the barometric pressure, or the absence of two living heartbeats, just the clicking, maybe a ticking of a clock and/or the creaking of the walls...
I just realized - I'm about to start my period, probably.
I was at 239.5 pounds this morning. So the fact that I'm wearing these size 16 jeans is a joke. Part of this jump start is really just to clean my mind as well as my eatin habits and help me get to a place where I can get back on track and find the path back to weight loss.