September 9, 235

Holding tight at 235. I've been harping about how my calories have been reduced from 1850 or so to 1650 or so, but I was looking back through my blog last night and saw that I have been at around 1600 before. So this isn't necessarily terribly new and I wonder how my caloric allowance changes - ediets.com doesn't tell me. I suppose I could ask, if I felt like it.

September 8, 235

I'm wearing size 18 jeans. I'm sitting with the button and zipper undone. They're a bit tight. But the thing is, my size 20s are hanging on my hips. Maybe if I wear these 18s a little, they'll loosen up. Seems like jeans tend to do that. Or maybe I'll shrink into them. I started the 1650 calories diet today, back on the Glycemic Impact. Yesterday I wound up just not being on the diet at all - but all day yesterday I only ate the one meal and ate cake and ice cream (and only a little ice cream) and ate blond Oreos, and drank two glasses of wine. So today I say goodbye to sweets for at least until the weekend while I wait to see the result of this new reduction in calories and new return to glycemic control and working life. There were days, I remember, early in the dieting that I felt the light-headedness of hunger. I've felt it a little bit today, too. Then again, it's 11:30 pm and I've only just had lunch. ;-)

September 6, 235

I was 235 today. For the past 2 or 3 days my jeans have been practically falling off me. I've been swimming in them. Not that my hips and legs are my problem area, but... I'm swimming in my size 20 jeans. Seems like I may have to get back to the store and try on some 18s. That's pretty cool. I'm thinking I hope I didn't overreact to my weigh-in on Saturday when I decided to reduce my calories. I went to the grocery store today and got the food for the Glycemic Impact diet but I'm not really excited about it, either. The Fall Seasonal Diet had Grape Nuts and soups.

Look at me, I'm Miss Grass-is-Greener. It's just food. I eat whatever I'm supposed to when I'm supposed to eat it.

I had chocolate chip cookies yesterday, but I didn't cook all the dough. Even though today I'm supposed to be back on plan, I remembered the cookie dough and wanted to eat the rest. If I'd been able to find it, I would have allowed myself to eat it. My roommate must have thrown it away because I left it out. So I went to the grocery store tonight thinking about how I was craving that caliber of sweet/fat - a chocolate bar, some cake, cookies... and was thinking about cheating. One day off the wagon can put me right back where I left off. I realized I just had to tell myself "No" that it's not allowed and maybe even that I don't deserve it - if that's what works to keep me from it. I'm thinking about 232 and how nice that will be to see, so letting sweets and candy back into my life on a daily basis at this stage is not what I want.

September 5, 237 - reducing calories

:-/

I'm not sure why I gained weight this week. I'm not saying I did or didn't deserve to. I did drink wine, I did guesstimate on the amount of whipped cream and canned pumpkin went into that pumpkin pie whip snack, plus had one or two more graham crackers than I was supposed to with that snack. I may have overestimated on the whipped cream. That stuff is of the devil. It was fat-free, but not sugar free! And the graham crackers probably also appealed to my sweet tooth.

Or maybe it's just a cyclical thing.

Today was weigh-in though, and I weighed in at 237 and I asked them to reduce my weekly calories, and I've switched my meal plan back to the Glycemic Index Plan. I have no business losing momentum when I'm still 15 (17) pounds from my long-term goal.

I'm a little worried, because if I was eating 1850 calories per day last week, apparently I'm down to 1600 calories this week. I just feel like that's a significant drop. I don't want to lose my cool because I feel like I'm starving or anything. That hasn't been a problem since I started this thing. This is the first time I asked ediets to reduce my calories - I don't know whether they've automatically done it before or not - maybe not. Maybe they just keep you at the level that works until you stop losing and request to reduce, which would mean I've been at 1850 since I was 285 pounds?

So, the upside is maybe I'll lose more weight this month.

A few potential hurdles. Today is my birthday, and it's just the first of several holidays. My family will take me out to dinner - possibly more than once if we can't all go at the same time. And I have another friend who wants to go out to dinner. And last night my roommate brought home champagne to toast my birthday, and she and I split the bottle.

Although, technically, the only holidays between now and my anticipated goal date (which is suddenly pushed back to November 7!) are my birthday, my Mom's birthday, and my Dad's birthday. There are also potentialities like a trip to NYC, and an out-of-town job for a week or two in October.

Nevertheless, aside from these birthday hurdles, I am committed to my newly reduced-cal meal plan and sort of eager to see if it brings me results.

September 4, 238

I had 4 glasses of wine last night and I'm all puffy and I weigh more, much more than 235. Not sure if I'm doing something wrong on the food intake or if it's menstrual. Anyway, I think I'm going to go back on the Glycemic Index Plan next week and see if I feel better.

slow week

It's been a slow week. No weight loss to report. Still 235. I did go jogging twice, and the dusk was nice. But I am feeling really down today, really lost. All day, and really yesterday too. I've been so low. I wish I knew how to either make it better or get away, but - if I keep going on this track, you will be berated with my negative thinking, and I'll get "chin up" comments. Maybe, hopefully, I'll feel a little better tomorrow. I'll get out of the house, go to work, have a purpose, have a task. I've been stuck in the house - no where to go without eating, spending money. Nothing to do but the same chores ad nauseum, the dishes again, the trash again, the laundry again, it never ends and it's wearing me down. Then desperately sink into Facebook, computer games, and Buffy on Hulu. Worried about gainful employment and my lack of meaningful relationships. Feel lost and stuck at the same time. Should I go to school, and if so, HOW? What should I study? Should I throw a dart at a map to find some new place to move to, and then get a job at Starbucks after I got there? Tonight to get out of the house I went looking for Greek wine, but couldn't find any. I bought 2 bottles of French - beaujolais and medoc grande reserve - drank 2 glasses tonight of the latter. Am I cheating on this diet too often now? I want to drink wine. Extra spoonful of whipped topping.

It's weird since I feel like I just had my period, like, last week or something, but I only ever cry when I'm about to get my period. This is just temporary, until my life gets better.

August 31, 235 - calories, fall foods, and jogging

Apparently they have me on about 1850 calories per day. I checked not only because I was curious about the WW points, but also was feeling like dinner seemed a bit petite. 3 oz of pork looks pretty small, tiny little bowl of pumpkin/rice/onion stuff, and a bowl of salad. I looked all over the meal plan printout for the fruit I wanted to accompany this meal. LOL, no such luck. I will survive until morning. Looking forward to peanut butter on toast with wheat germ and milk. I picked that one not only because it sounded appealing, but also because it sounded CHEAP! But it doesn't seem like much.

The thing is I went on the Fall foods plan, and as a result, there seems to be less fresh fruit, I guess. The piles of berries and melons are not so much anymore, and I am definitely going to miss them - there just is no substitute. Even if they did drive my grocery bill up. So far I'm not just in love with this Fall foods diet, but you know what - it doesn't matter. It's not about being in love with the food right now. I mean, it's nice when that happens, but what it's really about is being satisfied with the food, skating over all that.

My weight was 235 this morning - residual from my crazed binge on Saturday? Still, I've been feeling like my pants are falling offish a little and 235 is already a miracle. And today my parents said I looked "almost just like a normal person" and asked if anyone else had noticed me wasting away to nothing before their eyes. I'm not like the rest of you - facing commentary about my weight doesn't fill me with pride. I'm appreciative that people care about me, I'm appreciative when they're along for the ride and supportive (particularly when they've been invited) and appreciative that they want to be nice to me and what that means, but I don't really need or want to be told that I look thinner all that much. It makes me kind of uncomfortable, and I deny looking all that much different. But I shared with them the pride that my t-shirt was just an XL, but when they said my belly looked "much smaller" I just hemmed and hawed about how it was not satisfactory for me, as we all know I'm having issues with it.

I'm here at 235, an immediate eye to my next mini goal at 230 (really starting to stretch below my natural settings), a long-term goal of 220, and a probable continuation down to hoping for 180 or so, which would still be overweight (BMI-wise) but I find myself wondering how much thinner I can get. Will I topple over from being too thin?!? Seriously, I'm thinking this. Unlike some people, I don't really think I'm as fat as I am most of the time. I'm comfortable at this weight. I haven't been 180 since junior high, and I don't remember what that was like. Did I topple over? I was certainly alienated for being fat back then.

Though I guess I could stand to have thinner upper arms. On the other hand, I know that's asking a lot since upper arms are flabby on many women as they age, which I continue to do despite all my foot-stamping.

Speaking of foot-stamping (man, what a great segue!!) I went jogging again today. I won't say I haven't been at all active lately because I have tended to be quite active at work lately, when there is work to be at, which there was Sunday night - and I was driven to climb many stairs and bend and pull and walk and etc... But today I had an unexpected day off, and felt myself being very sludgy. It really hasn't been unusual for me to stay in bed for two hours after waking, just lollygagging on facebook and blogger mostly. But I was aware I hadn't done any dedicated 'Exercise' in God knows how long. I thought of going to the gym, but then randomly decided to go jogging instead! I use an exclamation point because I always think of any jogging I do as sort of a victory, because for so much of my life I thought running and jogging were out of my league.

Besides, today was a victory because not only did I jog 1 lap around the block in total, but I also jogged another 3/4 lap after a brief 1/4-lap walk. 4 laps total - 2 1/4 walking ant 1 3/4 jogging. That's somewhere between 0.8 miles and a mile, I guess. I was tired, but I'd have done another lap had I not been expecting a call.

It was nice jogging at dusk. The sky was overcast and quite lavender. By the time I was done with the jog night had fallen and everything around me was midnight blue lit by harsh white lights. Mmmm.

Now I must say, when I got back home, I began to feel the pain in my pelvis. I've mentioned before, it's not unusual for me to feel a little like I'm having menstrual cramps after a jog. I wonder if other people feel the same way - women and even men, too. But tonight, it was really bad, and I was moaning and groaning in pain. I felt like I must be having a miscarriage. I knew I'd just had my period, so the pain was not related to menstruation, it's just a jogging thing I guess. I really had to get in the car and go, but I was feeling so poorly I didn't think I should drive. I figured the feeling would pass, as it always does, but then, I didn't remember it having ever felt like this before.

I will have to look it up.

Well, I know everyone has plenty to read so I try to keep these things short. And I fail.