Oo, la la! The scale seems pretty well settled under 220 today. 219.5 I'm claiming officially. Just yesterday I was thinking how boring and frustrating it was starting to feel, losing weight I already lost months ago. But this "passing the long line" of 220 and into a new decade feels very refreshing! And exciting as well, I could now, at 2 pounds per week, see 199 by New Year's Eve. It's still a long way from 180, or feels like it. So impatient am I.
I was also thinking yesterday about how strange it is - three weeks ago I was pounding down candy bars daily - like around 3 or so per day. Don't get me wrong - it was nice! But what's strange is that it was hard to imagine NOT doing it. And yet to remember that not too long ago it was hard to imagine eating that much chocolate/sugar/candy all at once.
Yesterday was a crummy day for me. Hormones took over me and made me very very moody. Very sad for the things I do not have, can never have, and will probably never have. That sadness and desperation is always there, but yesterday it took me over. While it was kind of nice to feel sorry for myself, hopefully today will be a bit more up. (I actually considered the possibility that my loss on the scale was due to all the weight I lost in TEARS and all the calories I burned WRITHING IN DESPAIR.)
I also had a Midori Sour last night. Not on the plan, but I did stop at one. Just really felt like the right night for it.
Last night I put on my size 16 dress. It stretched over my curves like a wetsuit, revealing everything. I kinda wanted to wear it tonight. I'm really in the mood to get out and buy a new outfit, something that makes me look hot. I just don't know if that's possible with this belly. ARGH! Plus I shouldn't be spending money. I just paid off my credit card (which had begun to carry a balance over the summer) but I owe my savings $1000 and I don't think I'm getting another check for a *while.*
Anyway, I'd better hurry, to get up, make breakfast, get primped and dressed and out the door, go to the farmer's market, buy hottie clothes, and go to my show's preview tonight.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Oct 21 - baffling scale
Well, I just had a very strange time on the scale. Every time I stood on the scale I weighed less. I started at around 222.5-223, and wound up down around 219-220, getting frighteningly close to 218, but never making it. The last time I stood on the scale it was around 220, I think. In fact, the more I stood on the scale the more it seemed to adjust to the lower range. I think I kept trying because I thought that the higher readings would be more appropriate, but I don't know where they went. I guess I will happily report 220 to fitday and sparkpeople and accept that it might just be a blip on the charts, though, gosh golly, I hope it's a real sign of movement!
Yesterday I stayed on my meal plan but wondered if I was over-estimating my portion sizes, chewed lots of gum, had 3 sugarless hard candies, drank my 2 glasses of water and the rest diet soda - but not as many diet sodas yesterday as in recent days, not as much beverage overall. Biked 30 minutes but burned fewer calories because I was reading a magazine. Breakfast was cheese-tomato-avocado on toast with strawberries and coffee with soy milk; snack was a little tomato sauce and cheese on 1/2 a sandwich round, broiled as a pizza; lunch was a tuna-salad-stuffed tomato with macadamia nuts and yogurt; snack was cantaloupe and my last 2 soy hotdogs; and dinner was chicken, spinach, onions, and mushrooms with brown rice with an apple.
I'm going to try a sparkpeople meal plan and see how that goes for next week.
I'm still waiting for my midsection to behave!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I just went over to sparkpeople. They want me to eat between 1420 and 1750 calories per day, but they gave me a meal plan that was only 1250 calories? Screw it.
Yesterday I stayed on my meal plan but wondered if I was over-estimating my portion sizes, chewed lots of gum, had 3 sugarless hard candies, drank my 2 glasses of water and the rest diet soda - but not as many diet sodas yesterday as in recent days, not as much beverage overall. Biked 30 minutes but burned fewer calories because I was reading a magazine. Breakfast was cheese-tomato-avocado on toast with strawberries and coffee with soy milk; snack was a little tomato sauce and cheese on 1/2 a sandwich round, broiled as a pizza; lunch was a tuna-salad-stuffed tomato with macadamia nuts and yogurt; snack was cantaloupe and my last 2 soy hotdogs; and dinner was chicken, spinach, onions, and mushrooms with brown rice with an apple.
I'm going to try a sparkpeople meal plan and see how that goes for next week.
I'm still waiting for my midsection to behave!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I just went over to sparkpeople. They want me to eat between 1420 and 1750 calories per day, but they gave me a meal plan that was only 1250 calories? Screw it.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Oct 20, 2010 - 224
Ok, I can't wait any longer, apparently my weight is 224 today. One blip in one day is no cause for freaking out, I guess :-/ I have decided it's due to one of two possibilities - (1) no bm this morning, or (2) my recumbent bike session of 2 days ago is building up loads of thigh muscle!!! Or some menstrual thing, I don't know.
It's a chilly and rainy morning and feels very nice. I love waking up naturally in the morning after a full night's sleep (8 hours for me.) My work is finally starting to let up a little. I'm spending far too much time craving things that I can't afford - travel, new clothes, new lingerie, new homes, and health insurance. I still don't seem to have a ton of *energy* - I feel loungy and lazy, especially in cold weather, I don't want to move! But I'm going to go do that biking again, and this time take my book, which I haven't cracked in probably over a week.
It's 9:38 but it feels like 8 a.m. I wish it were 8 a.m. so I could luxuriate the morning away. But nooooooo, I have to charge the day. Well, I will charge her gently.
It's a chilly and rainy morning and feels very nice. I love waking up naturally in the morning after a full night's sleep (8 hours for me.) My work is finally starting to let up a little. I'm spending far too much time craving things that I can't afford - travel, new clothes, new lingerie, new homes, and health insurance. I still don't seem to have a ton of *energy* - I feel loungy and lazy, especially in cold weather, I don't want to move! But I'm going to go do that biking again, and this time take my book, which I haven't cracked in probably over a week.
It's 9:38 but it feels like 8 a.m. I wish it were 8 a.m. so I could luxuriate the morning away. But nooooooo, I have to charge the day. Well, I will charge her gently.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
no budge - 223
I am holding steady at 223, I guess. Yesterday I did get on the recumbent bike and felt relatively out of shape :-) I haven't been cardiovascularly involved since about 6 or 8 weeks ago when I did spend a week going to the gym most days, but I included some running on the treadmill, hoping to build up to being a runner again, and then my feet got a bit hobbled, as they do sometimes. And I got all wrapped up in my laptop again.
Spent I suppose too much time on my laptop this morning, trying to find the most affordable way to see the Northern Lights. It might be Reykjavik, so far.
Yesterday I did stay on plan but added, oh, 4-6 ounces of champagne after rehearsal with the cast.
Well, maybe in a couple days I'll drop down a couple pounds all at once. There's nothing for me to do but keep on plan. I am eager to see the other side of 220.
So off I go into the day.
Spent I suppose too much time on my laptop this morning, trying to find the most affordable way to see the Northern Lights. It might be Reykjavik, so far.
Yesterday I did stay on plan but added, oh, 4-6 ounces of champagne after rehearsal with the cast.
Well, maybe in a couple days I'll drop down a couple pounds all at once. There's nothing for me to do but keep on plan. I am eager to see the other side of 220.
So off I go into the day.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The honeymoon's over, but I'm still pushing.
Today I can report a weight of 222.5, I guess. A slight loss. Still, and we knew it was coming, the honeymoon's over - the first week's great weight has come off, and yet I still feel like it's an effort and still have far to go and my jeans are still tight on me! It's been a rough week, and sadly there's still more to go.
I'm putting more effort right now into manageable daily to-do lists, but am having a hard time sorting out long-term goals at the mo. Right now I'm going to exercise before I even do my to-do list, because I do the to-do list over brekky and I want to exercise before brekky. Just a few minutes on the recumbent bike over there.
I feel I could break at any time, but I also feel that the "no chocolate for 6 weeks" thing is really helping me to not cheat. I look at a platter of candy that's been laid out for snacks at work - everything is either chocolate or something fruity. I like all candy, but the only stuff I'm tempted to cheat with is the chocolate. If I could have the chocolate, I might grab chocolate and/or Laffy Taffy or Skittles, but when I remember I can't have chocolate, I just shrug and pass on the whole thing.
And I wonder why it is such a weakness. Why do I think I should crave the "chocolate"-flavored coffee more than the "blueberry cobbler"-flavored or the cinnamon hazelnut - both are terrific flavors? Anyway, I'm not so stringent on this anti-coffee thing that I said no to the Chocolate-flavored coffee. But the others I really do like just as much and might like others as well.
I did, however, have a cookie yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it, so I at around the chocolate chips. A significant amount of the remainder of cookie consisted of a pecan half. The rest just tasted magnificent.
Well, I'm going to try to continue to post a blog every morning again and report in, even if it's just as boring (or more so) as this one, just as an incentive to be a good girl.
I'm putting more effort right now into manageable daily to-do lists, but am having a hard time sorting out long-term goals at the mo. Right now I'm going to exercise before I even do my to-do list, because I do the to-do list over brekky and I want to exercise before brekky. Just a few minutes on the recumbent bike over there.
I feel I could break at any time, but I also feel that the "no chocolate for 6 weeks" thing is really helping me to not cheat. I look at a platter of candy that's been laid out for snacks at work - everything is either chocolate or something fruity. I like all candy, but the only stuff I'm tempted to cheat with is the chocolate. If I could have the chocolate, I might grab chocolate and/or Laffy Taffy or Skittles, but when I remember I can't have chocolate, I just shrug and pass on the whole thing.
And I wonder why it is such a weakness. Why do I think I should crave the "chocolate"-flavored coffee more than the "blueberry cobbler"-flavored or the cinnamon hazelnut - both are terrific flavors? Anyway, I'm not so stringent on this anti-coffee thing that I said no to the Chocolate-flavored coffee. But the others I really do like just as much and might like others as well.
I did, however, have a cookie yesterday. It had chocolate chips in it, so I at around the chocolate chips. A significant amount of the remainder of cookie consisted of a pecan half. The rest just tasted magnificent.
Well, I'm going to try to continue to post a blog every morning again and report in, even if it's just as boring (or more so) as this one, just as an incentive to be a good girl.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
First week, 6 pounds down, 24 to go.
Ok, week 1 complete, and I'm weighing 223.
It probably wasn't until well into my twenties that I started to see how men see the world, how they check out women's bodies. Now I do it. Downtown there's always some eye-catching women walking around, and when I spot one, I look around at all the men. It's amazing, men who are alone or with other men look brazenly - men who are with women don't look at all. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, or friend groups - men who are with women actually look like they didn't even see this hottie at all. Two nights ago there was a very striking, very skinny woman with long skinny legs sticking out from under some hyper-short spandex shorts and dropping into these tall powerful heeled shoes. Plus she was just standing on the street corner, on the phone I think, as if waiting for someone - and everyone was staring at her. In front of me was a couple in their 50s or 60s I'd say, man and woman, just left the Symphony. The man seemed to take no notice at all but the woman would not stop staring at this skinny-legged woman. I kinda felt sorry for the chick, she looked so exposed, but she didn't seem to mind so I guess she likes being stared at by everyone around, or doesn't mind.
Anyway the point is, last night, young ladies clubbing downtown, so many tight jeans and great figures. I thought about how well everyone's jeans fit and wondered about my belly - if it would ever amount to anything without surgery. I still think I want to know what it's like to be skinny, just once at least, during this life. Preferrably while I'm still pre-menopausal. Maybe even while I'm still in my 30s. But if I'm just gonna be droopy skin, it'll still be neat but not AS neat.
There was a group of people invited on the stage at last night's Opera opening before the show last night. All in formal wear. I was onstage checking the lights with my friend. All at once he stopped and said, "There's a proposal going on." So I turned and looked and saw a man on bended knee on the stage surrounded by all these people in formal dress, saying words like "I love you so much, will you be by my side forever." He was being very romantic, and the woman was moved to tears, and she seemed to accept. She was a heavy woman; a lovely woman, but definitely obese. I take note of the size of women who can find love in their life from men. He must have been a bundle of nerves but it all happened very fast and then we applauded them and congratulated them. I've never had a boyfriend. The guy I was with, I don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend but he hasn't had one for as long as I've known him which is nearly 10 years. He has no body issues, though, unless you count baldness, which has happened to him over the last 5-7 years. I don't think he wants a girlfriend though. His girlfriend is the thousands of girls who go to the clubs on display for him who don't even know he exists.
I felt almost as lucky to see that proposal as I felt to have seen a huge fireball high in the sky the other morning.
Anyway - on with my day. I have new meals for this week - hurrah. I'm excited to try Swiss chard for the first time in a Swiss chard and bean soup, which also has soy hot dogs in it, which I'll also be having for the first time. Sounds delish. :-) Also hydrating. I felt good to drink 2 full glasses of actual water yesterday. I will keep it on my to-do list for today. Which I will be making shortly. :-)
It probably wasn't until well into my twenties that I started to see how men see the world, how they check out women's bodies. Now I do it. Downtown there's always some eye-catching women walking around, and when I spot one, I look around at all the men. It's amazing, men who are alone or with other men look brazenly - men who are with women don't look at all. Wives, girlfriends, sisters, or friend groups - men who are with women actually look like they didn't even see this hottie at all. Two nights ago there was a very striking, very skinny woman with long skinny legs sticking out from under some hyper-short spandex shorts and dropping into these tall powerful heeled shoes. Plus she was just standing on the street corner, on the phone I think, as if waiting for someone - and everyone was staring at her. In front of me was a couple in their 50s or 60s I'd say, man and woman, just left the Symphony. The man seemed to take no notice at all but the woman would not stop staring at this skinny-legged woman. I kinda felt sorry for the chick, she looked so exposed, but she didn't seem to mind so I guess she likes being stared at by everyone around, or doesn't mind.
Anyway the point is, last night, young ladies clubbing downtown, so many tight jeans and great figures. I thought about how well everyone's jeans fit and wondered about my belly - if it would ever amount to anything without surgery. I still think I want to know what it's like to be skinny, just once at least, during this life. Preferrably while I'm still pre-menopausal. Maybe even while I'm still in my 30s. But if I'm just gonna be droopy skin, it'll still be neat but not AS neat.
There was a group of people invited on the stage at last night's Opera opening before the show last night. All in formal wear. I was onstage checking the lights with my friend. All at once he stopped and said, "There's a proposal going on." So I turned and looked and saw a man on bended knee on the stage surrounded by all these people in formal dress, saying words like "I love you so much, will you be by my side forever." He was being very romantic, and the woman was moved to tears, and she seemed to accept. She was a heavy woman; a lovely woman, but definitely obese. I take note of the size of women who can find love in their life from men. He must have been a bundle of nerves but it all happened very fast and then we applauded them and congratulated them. I've never had a boyfriend. The guy I was with, I don't know if he's ever had a girlfriend but he hasn't had one for as long as I've known him which is nearly 10 years. He has no body issues, though, unless you count baldness, which has happened to him over the last 5-7 years. I don't think he wants a girlfriend though. His girlfriend is the thousands of girls who go to the clubs on display for him who don't even know he exists.
I felt almost as lucky to see that proposal as I felt to have seen a huge fireball high in the sky the other morning.
Anyway - on with my day. I have new meals for this week - hurrah. I'm excited to try Swiss chard for the first time in a Swiss chard and bean soup, which also has soy hot dogs in it, which I'll also be having for the first time. Sounds delish. :-) Also hydrating. I felt good to drink 2 full glasses of actual water yesterday. I will keep it on my to-do list for today. Which I will be making shortly. :-)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Oct 16 - 222, tentatively
It's a bit jumping the gun maybe to register today's weight as 222, since last night's bout of sleep was really more like a nap and I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I am up to go to the theatre now, and I will have to stay up a long time today, but I might manage a bit more sleep.
I was looking at my weight graph and thinking that it should look kinda remarkable after this 7 pounds loss, I should look like I'm getting somewhere - but it doesn't look like that. This one week of weight loss is but a blip on the graph of the past 18 months. Then all at once I noticed my goal weight line, extending out beyond where I am now, and moving down down down. It made me think that, rather than being about how far I've come, it should be about how far I have to go. This won't be over any time soon, so I might as well pull away from the graph. I don't know, it made sense in my head. :-)
I was a naughty girl yesterday and stayed awake but forgot to go to the grocery store, which I meant to do. So - if I hope to have food for tomorrow, I need to go to the grocery store. Which - I don't know when the hell that's going to happen between work and sleep.
*If* it doesn't happen, I will just try to "eat healthy" tomorrow.
All that said - this morning I saw a fireball in the sky. Larger than a shooting star, it crackled with golden sparks, didn't travel very far, seemed to stop even, and disappeared. I found where others saw it too, over a hundred miles from here. So cool. :-)
I was looking at my weight graph and thinking that it should look kinda remarkable after this 7 pounds loss, I should look like I'm getting somewhere - but it doesn't look like that. This one week of weight loss is but a blip on the graph of the past 18 months. Then all at once I noticed my goal weight line, extending out beyond where I am now, and moving down down down. It made me think that, rather than being about how far I've come, it should be about how far I have to go. This won't be over any time soon, so I might as well pull away from the graph. I don't know, it made sense in my head. :-)
I was a naughty girl yesterday and stayed awake but forgot to go to the grocery store, which I meant to do. So - if I hope to have food for tomorrow, I need to go to the grocery store. Which - I don't know when the hell that's going to happen between work and sleep.
*If* it doesn't happen, I will just try to "eat healthy" tomorrow.
All that said - this morning I saw a fireball in the sky. Larger than a shooting star, it crackled with golden sparks, didn't travel very far, seemed to stop even, and disappeared. I found where others saw it too, over a hundred miles from here. So cool. :-)
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