Dec 29, 236 pounds

Been a while.

I have gained. More than I wanted to allow myself to gain.

Some people may be offended that I don't chastise myself more harshly, but I'm just not like that. Still, I did want to lose weight, and I don't want to be one of the 97% who gains it all back. :-D

I guess the answer to how I gained so much so fast is this - I have been sluggish, unmoving, probably more depressed than usual, sick, the holidays happened and I've been indulging in the edible treats. Christmas dinner and all manner of sweets and everything.

I recently posted my New Year's Resolutions to facebook and one of them was certainly to get down to 180 using moderation (restrictive meal plan if necessary but I do still resist that for the time being) and exercise, which I'm glad to say I've done now a few days in a row. Elliptical and weight training day before yesterday, yoga (only the first 17 minutes) yesterday, and today the 30-day Shred. Things went well on the elliptical trainer, but I did not feel any results from the weights the next day and might need a personal trainer or a program. I also tried to run just for 2 minutes, but on the very first step there was heel pain. Yoga was fairly pathetic - not bad but I didn't have a lot of time and wasn't feeling the stamina and only did the first bit - the warm-up sun salutation basically.

The 30-day shred - PATHETIC! Ok, first of all, I did this once last week and it was the same day I was starting my period and I couldn't even get through but that was mostly because of my period but here is more. It just wasn't that long ago that the 30-Day Shred wasn't that hard, that I was doing 13 pushups on my initial effort, and the cardio wasn't a significant problem. Last week I only did 6 pushups my first go. Today it was up to 7. The other thing is, I can feel my flab bouncing around, jerking down every time I land on a jumping jack, and I can barely allow myself to do the jumping jacks with arms because I'm holding my belly and boobs (wearing 2 jog bras) and just feeling my back flab bounce. This was not the case last time I did this routine, which was only like in September or so.

So next time I really will have to make sure to wear a very sturdy leotard or something to keep my flabby parts from bouncing so painfully. What is her name on the 30-Day Shred? She says "I have 400-pound people who can do jumping jacks, SO CAN YOU!" and I'm just wondering how the 400-pound people manage that bouncy flab!

So, the brunt of it is that there's a great big spike on my sparkpeople weight graph showing that I've gained nearly 15 pounds since a month ago! That's really pretty bad. I weighed 238 yesterday (after breakfast) - this morning it's 236. I definitely have the potential to show some great improvement since I'm at such a low right now, but it really will take intense consistency over the long haul to reach my goal. I think I should blog daily to remind myself, maybe even start a new blog and get a fresh start.

not tempted at the mo

Sparkpeople currently recommends I eat 1430-1780 calories per day, but that's based on the idea that I'm exercising 3 times per week (not lately!) Still, today, if I'm counting right, I've had 1769 calories, well in the low end of range for protein and fat, but 15 grams too many carbs. Supposedly to maintain my weight, though, I'd have to eat over 2100 calories per day, taking into account my sedentary lifestyle of late.

Given all that info, as I've been considering the ice cream in the freezer all night long, I was tempted when I ate dinner but now, I'd rather just have a glass of water, honestly. I made some decaf constant comment tea to drink while I read myself to sleep.

I went to the grocery store again yesterday just to stock up before I got very busy with work. I now feel quite stocked up. Anyway, my cabinets are now too full. Hopefully this will keep me stocked for a while, though I might have to go back just for some milk or fresh produce. I haven't been much for the canned or frozen (processed) foods (there was a time I finished a lean cuisine or something and said to myself - "I never need to eat another frozen dinner in my life." That was before Amy's vegetable korma dinner) but I have some now for quick soup or some beets or a frozen dinner to carry out (which I'd probably supplement with a simple salad with oil & vinegar salad dressing and a fruit, as was typically done with ediets). Apples and oranges and sweet potatoes, oh my. A selection of proteins, most in the freezer. Some tofu I bought not knowing what to cook it in. A new bag of grits because I didn't have enough grains in that cabinet what with the brown rice, basmati rice, barley, oat bran, cream of wheat,... But I'm in the mood for grits with my eggs in November.

And I got some sweets, but again tried to be very selective. Sure I'd have loved to get some soft archway molasses or dutch cocoa cookies, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to eat just one. However, I did select a box of Carr's ginger lemon cookies - a sandwich of 2 ginger snaps with some lemon creme filling between them. These are also good but I am not apt to succomb to the urge to eat the whole box at once. I replenished my supply of dark chocolate covered cranberries because, even though I do nibble at them often and get a rush from the delicious dark chocolate, I am able to have a little bit and let go. I was especially worried when I chose the ice cream - I yielded to desire and selected something more naughty - Ben & Jerry's brownie cheesecake. And sure enough I ate half of the carton that night, which was 400 calories! BUT I stopped before I ate the whole thing so that is something. I enjoyed it. Big fan of brownies am I - and even as I walk past the brownie mix in the grocery store I want to buy them but I don't, not even the no-pudge, because I will not be able to stop myself, and I don't deserve that kind of binge this week!

So tonight, I could have some ice cream, but eh, I am just not that interested after all. I do not take credit for this awesomeness, but I do marvel and glory in it.

I'm still eating healthy natural whole foods and made a concerted effort to make sure I chose some good vegetables for dinner tonight - turnip greens and asparagus, which I prepared in bulk yesterday but I'm almost out of the greens. Greens are the happening thing Chez Hallie these days - collard greens, turnip greens, mustard greens, kale - but I didn't see spinach at the Harris Teeter and I looked real hard because I luvs me some spinach!

So now, before bed, I have to think about my day tomorrow and what I need to take with me to eat - what can I use up from the perishables first, versus what won't be too difficult to transport?

Nov 19, 223 going pretty good

So my blog has completely gone from being the inspirational weight loss example I maniacally thought it would be over a year ago and has become "Golly I hope I don't gain it all back."

I'm holding steady. Today I'm 223 or so, I've been 222-223 all week. The week has been successful, as far as watching what I eat, choosing my meals sensibly - choosing whole natural foods with carbs, fats, and proteins suitably dispersed, and sweets and treats in moderation (usually) taking note of when I start to feel out of control. Day before yesterday I planned a meal and prepared it for myself and my family. While visiting I had about 8 tortilla chips (the regular kind) and 2 tablespoons of chocolate fudge icing I found in the fridge. I didn't count my calories after breakfast - by that point, if damage was done it was done. But I felt altogether good about it. Yesterday I met my mother for an event at which food was provided. I had too much of the cake for dessert. Felt very full afterward though, which kept me from eating any more that night, until on the way home I got some gumdrops and chocolate.

I wound up eating all the gumdrops over the next few hours as I read in bed until late, but strangely, most of the Hershey's special dark chocolate bar is still in my purse 24 hours later, and I think it will last until tomorrow at least.

Also, the Ben & Jerry's ice cream is still in my freezer! And I only just finished off the dark chocolate covered cranberries today, after my meal of 10 shrimp, 1/2 acorn squash with light butter and brown sugar, and a rice/broccoli/cheese casserole. With 2 Woodchuck ciders I have gone over my calorie allotment, but I'm not sure how much to lash myself for drinking too many calories from a moderate amount of alcohol. Not too much, I'm inclined right now.

All this has been well and good, but the question is, will it stay well and good when I start working again. I have been practically housebound, with no work and not allowing myself to spend money. At least my mood is up from where it was a couple weeks ago. Weight loss is not my only priority anymore and I'm also very focused on mental competence, reading, and creativity. And trying to figure out if I should stay where I am in life, and if I should move on, then where to? But actually I've been distracted from that question lately.

So, I'd rather be 215 now, for sure, but I am enjoying this new relationship with food.

Nov 15, 221 - moderation

I have been up (had a binge I think) and now am working on moderation.

I have found myself jealous of people who have leftovers in the fridge to eat from throughout the week. I decided to try veering off the meal plan again and just eat a moderate, healthy, satiating breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. This plan went a little awry last night when I worked until 5:30 a.m.

Another part of what I'm doing is trying to focus on the appreciation I have for foods that I don't lose control over, and then also think about using that awareness to manage my moderation.

For example, I bypassed all the Oreos and chocolate chip cookies, and I bypassed the brownies - because I knew I would not be able to keep myself from overindulging even if I wanted to. I didn't get a gooey chocolatey marshamallowey caramelly Ben & Jerry's, but I did get Banana Split Ben & Jerry's - I had 3 bites the first day which were tasty and even had a shock of chocolate fudge syrup in it - and the rest has been sitting in the freezer since then - this is fairly unheard of for me and I don't know what to attribute it to. Maybe my plan is working, maybe it's my hormonal cycle. I bypassed potato chips and chocolate bars, but got dark chocolate covered cranberries, of which I enjoyed about 6 or 7 yesterday, and some trail mix seeds, something that I like but never choose over the other, more egregious, options. I figured I could easily pick up a pinch of the trail mix and satiate myself where a jello pudding would only make me grab another.

I have become tentative about bananas, but someone suggested them for their potassium as a way to possibly deal with a physiological issue that sometimes bugs me - so I put half a banana on my oatmeal squares as planned.

Oatmeal squares - I thought 1 cup of oatmeal squares wouldn't be enough of that delicious cereal, but with my eggs, milk, 1/2 banana, I didn't even have the desire to finish off my planned breakfast with my fruit selection - an orange.

I made a shepherd's pie, enough for days, and have been feeding off it in decent-sized portions. I cooked up some cranberries but didn't use nearly enough sugar - they are hard to eat much of although tasty, and I actually felt like I might have overdosed on vitamin C, so those are available to me in the fridge as well.

I need to use calorie counters to make sure I don't go overboard with the calories. I also need to start exercising again because I feel unstrongish and like being strong, and also it would probably help my energy, stamina, and metabolism, as everyone already knows. Even though my weight is maintaining, I think my midsection is thicker, and that totally sucks.

Honestly, looking at my shape and realizing that the belly will probably never go away the way I'd like is enough to make me almost want to just quit.

What gets me back to wanting to lose a little weight again is the fear of increasing jeans sizes, and more than that, a few clothes that I want to be able to fit into - one shirt in particular is sooo cute and hot, and the dress that I was so happy about too - I need to be smaller around to wear them well, otherwise they are a big letdown.

Anyway, so far this is working well with my brain. I hope it keeps up. :-)

Nov 8, 221

Two nights ago I came to bed at 9:00 p.m. - no good reason for it, very strange. We were still in daylight savings then, even. So wound up skipping dinner. Had high hopes in the morning, but instead I had gained, back UP to 220. Could be that the breakfast I'm eating, which seems big, really is too many calories. And my energy level is non-existent. I haven't had any exercise since I nearly fainted at the gym a few days ago, though I did take a nice little walk yesterday. I mailed those 2 fitness employees a nice little card. Even though the weather has improved greatly, my mood is still withdrawn. I am wary. I was hit hard enough to need to abruptly reconsider my life, enough to feel it necessary to make drastic changes. So I'm staying withdrawn until I think through that. It's been fairly easy to be withdrawn - having no work and no life all week. My ability to focus mentally at this time is a rare occasion, too, so this is taking much longer than it should.

Yep - on the scale I am up again - 221. Too many calories for this activity level I guess.

Sometimes, when I observe my wrinkly skin, I think I'd rather just stay plump and get my belly removed/reduced.

Nov 4 219 - faint at the gym and moodiness

Sucks to weigh more today than yesterday.

Yesterday was a crummy day. I was most of the way through the day before I realized it was gray and rainy and therefore a low barometric pressure day. So yes, a few circumstances in my life are weighing very very heavily on me - namely that I'm not getting any workcalls this week and I need money, and romantic hopes raised followed by complete shutdown... again... added to the typical I-have-no-friends-and-my-life-is-going-nowhere-and-someone's-gonna-die-and-that's-gonna-suck-and-I-can't-afford-a-house-health-insurance-or-a-trip-to-Europe-and-if-my-car-breaks-down-I'm-screwed-and-I'm-useless-and-uunwanted stuff. It was the sort of day it took all my energy to get out of bed. I shuffled a bag of trash up to the dumpster. I shuffled over to the grocery store.

I realized I have all this free time and I'm wasting it with this depression. So, even though it's still rainy and mopey I pushed myself out the door this morning and went to the gym. I wanted to put in more effort than a piddling recumbent bike, so I hopped onto the elliptical trainer for a standing workout, but decided that - since this was my first time in a few weeks - to start low and did the "Weight Loss Interval Workout." And suffered. It was only 28 minutes but I felt like my heart rate was too high so I held back even though I wanted to push harder - have to take it easy. By the end of the workout I felt horrible - I was faint, no color (I should have been red as a beet!), cold, weak, I had a lot of abdominal pain like menstrual cramps or the need to go to the bathroom. I lay down, then I went weakly to the bathroom, where I sat for a while and then wanted to lie down but not in this bathroom, so I weakly sought out a space where I could get on the floor and put my feet up and wait to feel better.

There was no one else in this workout area and I just felt awful and found myself thinking I didn't feel like getting up or sitting up and actually thought about calling someone with my cellphone to have them call the Y to come find me and make sure my heart was still beating. But I didn't want to cause undue worry or annoyance to my roommate or my brother so I waited, curled over onto my side (which felt good to my pelvis), waited some more, then stood and faintly made my way literally only a few steps around the corner, where two fitness employees shared an office, and I stood in the doorway and said I wasn't feeling well.

They jumped to attention, had me sit down. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't in yet, but one of them took my blood pressure and said it was 90 over 50 while the other went and got me some candy. And let me tell you - I ate that chocolate before I remembered I wasn't supposed to. That's twice in 4 weeks I've broken my vow, and I consider both cases legit.

Whether because I was already improving physically, or because human interaction was good for my soul and they were friendly and easy to get along with and not at all abrasive to interact with, or because of the chocolate, or whatever, I started to feel better.

It's not the first time it's happened to me - it's relatively common after jogging and I can remember lying on the floor with my feet up at least once after a workout at the gym before, years ago. But this was such a light workout. I do have low enough blood pressure usually - my BP has never been an issue - but I was rejected from donating blood earlier this year due to low pulse - 1 point below the limit. No doctor's visit has ever expressed any concern about my arterior activity, though it can be very hard to find a vein on me and I can never feel my own pulse unless it's up around 140, though nurses can.

It's just that it was such a lightweight workout! And it's not like I'm starving myself, though hadn't had breakfast yet (something they jumped on as a possible cause - I often prefer to get my exercise in before breakfast because if I wait until after, I'm afraid I might not ever get around to exercising - but I guess I'll have to work in some kind of protein+carb snack before workouts even if it's not in my meal plan to make sure this doesn't happen again.) I drank a glass of water before going.

They asked more than once if I was a diabetic and I answered "Not to my knowledge."

One of the fitness employees talked about how arteries constrict sometimes during exercise to keep blood going where it needs to go, and maybe that's why I get pelvic pain. Personally, I think all the blood sank into my pelvis, because it certainly wasn't in my head or my arms. I tend to want to blame my (as I imagine them) loose abdominals and chastise myself for always postponing ab work.

We had a dash of sunshine while I wrote this but it's gone now. Still, maybe the barometric pressure has gone up. I'm feeling a little better, I have the house to myself and want to do all the things that I always want to do with my free time - namely learn French and Welsh and read and write and paint, these days.

I also want to write or call them, let them know I got home okay. I want to get into writing more letters, being more engaged. I wrote to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, just to thank them for the rally. I want to write to my community's leaders and my government representatives too. Not sure what I'd say but my Mom does it, her Dad used to do it, and I have a young friend who does it too.

Nov 3, 218.5

I weigh 218.5 and I'm too depressed to move. Definitely no comments necessary on this post. I will try to update my finances, pay my bills, and read.