Sunday, February 20, 2011

moving along

Sooo. Can't remember when I last blogged - a few days ago - but I can see when I last updated my ticker was 6 days ago and it doesn't register the bump up I had to back over 230 calories. Honestly, I can hardly remember what it was. Long days, or leaving the house and forgetting my snack, lead to being left on my own and my free-spirited urges. Oh, yeah, I remember last Wednesday - a long full day and several sweets. 1st a plate of some kind of rich, sweet, buttery chocolatey concoction was placed before me and I resisted for a while, then had one piece, which turned into 3. Then after lunch I went and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie off the tray simply because the opportunity was there (oo, they weren't there for me! basically I was engaging in 'getting away with it' against the foe, authority, and winning a free cookie, but kicking myself in the ass in the process. besides, the cookie sucked.) And the day went on, oh yes, much later I went into a convenience store and they had Cadbury creme eggs on display and I "allowed" myself 2, and a bar of Belgian chocolate. So, the scale went up.

And I think that some time, maybe the next day, there was a Big Mac sandwich. I don't remember the circumstances, I think it was in lieu of the scheduled dinner.

And, as you do, I got back on track on the days I wasn't as busy, and lost weight again, but it's going slow and tentatively like this.

I also haven't been exercising and realize this sucks when I realize how much I don't want to. That's not going to be a good enough excuse next week, though. Although, I have to say, at this point I don't know whether I'll be working next week or not. If a call comes in, I will take it! Otherwise, there will be some regular exercise going on.

So, I'm back on track, except that I'm drinking. And that's working ok for me, as far as I can tell. Until I notice it's a problem for my diet, I will continue to allow myself the wine and liquor. (As a substance, I'm really kind of getting concerned about whether I do have a caffiene issue.) But, like last night, I went to the theatre, I had two full glasses of wine over the course of the evening. And after the play, I wanted to go somewhere and cut loose. Part of me wanted to go to some late-night diner or club for some food, drink, dancing, flashing lights, loud music. These things all go together for me, and these feelings of restlessness can be exacerbated by the cycle, or by life circumstances, or by having 2 full glasses of wine when you're on a diet and so more susceptible to the effects of alcohol (especially the romantic whirl of wine!)

I guess I'm saying... All the time I see people posting that they are fat because they have emotional issues, they eat to self-medicate, food replaces friendships, etc etc etc... I try to see that in myself, that this fat is symptomatic of inner suffering - and I can't. I think I like food. I think it tastes good, feels good going down, and that sometimes those two things are worth more good than the feeling of being stuffed or sick afterward is bad. I think I can get biochemically attached to sugar. I think when I was a kid, in my family, the concept of filling your plate and stuffing yourself at the dinner meal was celebrated. Yes, I did and do have suffering, emotional pain, emotional immaturity - I do and I recognize this and I recognize that sometimes it results in poor behavior choices including poor food choices. But I don't think they are the source for me. I think for me it's going to be about behavior modification, relearning, reading my own biology - crap like that. When I think about my binges, it could be that my emotions, positive OR negative, could be a factor in my "oh fuck it" attitude toward whether or not to eat what I should know that I shouldn't eat, but hope I can just get away with it anyway or just for the moment don't care about whether it makes me fat (god knows at the time that I eat, it's like I've forgotten that food makes you fat, and all I can actually think about is that food tastes and feels good.) It's not to say that for other people it's NOT emotional problems that are causing them to be fat - clearly I can't know that about them. It's just that so many people say that it is for them, that I almost feel like I must be in denial because I'm denying this problem for myself. But if I'm going to be honest, I just don't think that's what it is for me, and if that's the case for me, then maybe it is for other people, too. Maybe for some people it's "learning to forgive yourself and others" or some other similar emotional problem, and then for others of us it's "just a cigar", just a physiological cigar.

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