April 22, 203

So the other day I weighed in at 201 and later that day I went shopping. I had been needing some stuff - new swimsuit, new jeans, seasonal sandals... I had an extraordinary experience with the shopping. I pulled stuff off the racks in sizes XL and 16 which made me feel like I wasn't plus-sized anymore. Then I went in the dressing room and tried it on, and everything looked at least okay on me, which means, even if it didn't look good, my body underneath it was not so horrible as to make it something I couldn't wear. My body as canvas for fashion art has become more yielding, my flaws more acceptable. I bought sleeveless tops - outrageous! I bought a dress - so hot! I came home feeling like the sexiest mf in town. My arms are fat but not TOO fat. My bowlful of jelly pooch is still there but it's TOLERABLE. My legs are fat but LONG. I have something like an hourglass figure. I was so high that night, it was impossible to contain myself. It makes me think that I might be very close to being where I want to wind up! I am very okay with a few extra pounds, if I could just make my belly a LITTLE BIT SMALLER. But honestly, for right now, I think I'm very close to where I want to be. I'm still looking to get to 198, but after that, I might chill out for a while. If only to get psychologically adjusted to being this size and to even begin to think about being smaller. The next smallest size is 14 and that's just beyond imagining for me.

I am not so high anymore. Yesterday I felt poufy, excess pudge particularly from the belly. I am having problems with not planning ahead and so getting caught without a plan - I can't seem to focus on the diet anymore or care about it so much so consistently anymore. I'm also still dealing with the raminfications of last week's road trip and the revelations that remind me to be depressed. Today, after binging on Mary Janes, ice cream, and cookie dough yesterday, I'm 203, which is cool because it's less than yesterday's 204.