Monday, February 1, 2010

Feb 1, 212 or so

I've been away from blogger because I don't have the time to devote to it right now, but also because I completely lost my shit on Sunday. Here's what all contributed:

* I did not take the time to properly prepare for the day.
* I was stressed out and felt like I had to rush for work.
* I was stressed out about work and yet my thoughts were racing on emotional stuff
* I decided to eat freestyle, and I started the day full of WANT - WANT for those Quaker Oatmeal Squares, so it was a large bowl of quaker oatmeal squares for breakfast, and then a lot of candy and fast food - it was hard to stuff down those 3000+ calories, but I realized that if I became at all complacent, it would get easy, and I freaked out about being at the bottom of the yo-yo and gaining it all back. I felt that helpless. I certainly didn't feel inspirational. I'm tired of my blog being full of excuses. Without a road map for the day, my underlying eating habits seem to have not changed very much. I felt lost, clueless, and rebellious. You'd think I were pre-menstrual, and maybe I am.

So not only did it start with an attitude of laissez-faire, "anything goes," which ran right over any attempts to monitor and moderate myself, but also I did not have strongly developed new habits to accommodate freestyle. AT SOME POINT, this will have to come. I've known this since the beginning, but the question is when.

Maybe it was just a one-day thing, maybe all my calorie trimming last week put me into some kind of starvation mode that made me susceptible to a stressful day.

At any rate, it seems like I write more and more about failings here and it makes me nervous about having hit the bottom and that I'm going to start regaining, and I need to pull back and regroup for myself. Which can happen. I feel stronger and more discliplined today. If the gym were open now, I'd go work out. Instead, I'm going to the grocery store to buy for my next week's meal plan which I planned tonight while waiting for rehearsal to start.

The scale this morning read about 211-212 again, despite yesterday's indiscretion. I figured that would change, and tomorrow if I see an increase on the scale I'll know.

Back to patience, back to methodical, and seriously start working on a meals book. Back to dishes and daily kitchen cleaning, and back to inward zen focus, and stop the externally-focused longing. I have a goal. I am a dieter. I'm going to get where I'm going and stay there and be an inspiration to my friends and loved ones, for real this time. For real.


Jenn said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. EVERYONE, thin or heavy, has days like that, where they use food to fill a void for some reason. EVERYONE. The difference is - thin people have learned or just know that they need to go back to eating the right way the next day. Heavy people eat like that for days, or weeks, or months...
So, you're getting back on track. You'll find your way again - this is hard work, and we all get derailed here and there.

Mae Flowers said...

I think that you are doing great. We all have slip ups once in a while, but they're just bumps in the road. You just keep going. I encourage you to stay on blogger for the support that you need. Even very short posts are better than nothing. You'll find you'll miss it!!