Jan 31, 2011 232

I guess I should feel a little lucky about still being 232. Saturday I didn't even manage to pack my meals and went in to work without a game plan - spent a lot of money at a restaurant and in my efforts to avoid eating certain animals, may not have chosen the most dietetically superior options - eggplant parmesan with spaghetti for lunch, and a baba ganoush wrap for dinner. I did pack my meals for yesterday, but - well yesterday I substituted Easter candy for dinner. On the other hand, I didn't eat dinner. And I'm hungry now but it's been a long time and I should have breakfasted by now.

Today I have a bit of a break, though - time enough to eat a meal and go to the gym (I haven't had any exercise past couple days either, of course) and plan my meals for the next week at ediets. Today's exercise is the 20 minute interval training - on the elliptical I guess though I am tired of the elliptical and want my heel to get to a place where I can maybe do a run-walk instead.

So you can see I feel lucky to still be 232. On the other hand, my pants feel awful and I hate spilling over them in front the way that I do. I want a corset. :-S

Okay, that's how it's been going, diet-wise. Not too bad, considering how much time I had, but not too great either.

Jan 26, 2011 - 232

I stayed up last night to prepare all my meals for today, but when lunch time came around, I went off-plan. Hell with it, it was a GOOD REASON.

In other news, after breaking the rules a little yesterday, I was rewarded with finally hitting 232 this morning.

No workout today.

Jan 26, 233 still again *yawn*

Sad news. Still haven't broken below the 233 barrier. I wanted to get up at 6:30 and do yoga but it's dark and rainy out and it's my last day of freedom so I lounged in bed (heck I didn't even hear my alarm until well after 7) so here it is 9:00 and time to do yoga and I'm still not up for it. :-P Hopefully I'll like it once I get started because here goes!

Jan 25, 2011 - 233 still :-/

Not much to say. I'm 233 again today. I feel that's unreasonable and have decided that maybe there was actually some muscle build-up from yesterday's exercise. I did my Pilates this morning - groan and grumble, but I did it. Still waiting for some kind of wonderful tight, strong, graceful feeling from my core that I have never got from the Pilates but that they swear I should. In fact, today the same movements felt more difficult to me. Still, overall I am happy to feel myself growing back to regular/moderate strength and activity. Yesterday I did the BFL on elliptical + simple strength routine, and if I am gaining muscle it should be from the dips and chinups and the lunges, plus the heavy intervals of cardio probably.

Tomorrow yoga. Which I love. I should get up pretty early for it so I can have it done before my roommate comes out. I'm not embarrassed to be seen doing the funny movements and getting all red in the face, but it does make me self-conscious and more apt to lose focus on my stretching and balance etc...

Eh, I'm just babbling for the sake of babbling now - there's really nothing else to say. I think I should be 232 today - so maybe tomorrow that will be a reality.

Jan 24, 2011 - 233

Good morning. I keep getting up later and later. Didn't go to bed until 11:00 last night, and didn't want to get up until after 7:00. So it's 8 a.m. and I am wasting precious hours of my sanctuary of morning to chirrup gratefully that I'm back down to 233 after Friday's blip, which might also have been the result of some menstrual stuff. It clearly does seem to affect me.

For a moment I hoped the scale would read 232 but I guess I'll save that for tomorrow. Looking forward to getting under 230.

Not really much else to say. I had a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing yesterday when it was laid out on the break table - but I had a sensible-sized piece, in place of my scheduled snack, and when I considered going overboard, decided I really didn't necessarily want more, so that's better than Friday's doughnut extravaganza.

Today's workout is the 20-minute interval training plus a simple strength series I've started by which I hope to grow to measure some progress over time. I must tell you, I don't feel like doing it! I wish I'd had some more sleep.

On with my day.

Jan 23, 2011 - 235 pounds

Just so you know, I did stick to my plan yesterday and dropped some of that water weight from Friday. These days have mostly been great for me. I get up really early in the morning and if it's a yoga or Pilates day, I do the yoga or Pilates quietly in the living room before dawn, usually. Then I make coffee and breakfast and then sit down on the sofa and plan my day in the Franklin-Covey way. I have identified the following categories of things on my to-do list - Diet Program, Work, Household/Living Maintenance, Self/Study, and Personal Grooming. It makes me feel so organized. It has taken a lot of effort and time actually to make it through the to-do list and I really still feel like there's so far I haven't gotten. But I have made some progress in my reading, which is important, and I've stuck to my diet, which is important, and I've gotten on top of my bills and financial situation, but I still want to buy this $300 reclining chair from Value City anyway. I have acquired some items that make me happy in the past month or so, and if I got that chair, I could just about realize my dream of making this purple office/room more of the study I've always wanted to make it, where I could read, work, draft, paint, peruse the internet, or just gaze out the window.

Anyway, then I go to bed early, usually. I'm trying to keep that up so that this week's 8 a.m. workcalls won't hurt me like they usually do. I need to stay on top of my time to make it through the next 2 weeks.



Here is the Pilates book that shapes the program I do. I don't necessarily recommend it because I don't know whether you'd be able to understand the movements. I don't have any trouble, but I don't know whether that's because I had some exposure to many of the movements from earlier exercise videos. I'm still not sure I do it the way the author recommends - she recommends against pushing yourself to perform bigger movements or trying to 'feel a burn' - that's not as important as maintaining proper form to *slowly* progress. After only 3 or 4 sessions, though I feel some struggle while doing some of the moves, I no longer really feel anything after I'm done, and it makes me feel like I'm not getting anything out of it, but her directions say not to feel that way. Still, I went ahead and added some new reps and new moves to my sequence - which I hated doing because I already feel like it's going to take forever to get through (although it's actually pretty brief).

Jan 22, 2011 - 237 - back up

Yesterday I went all kinds of off-plan, doughnuts forever, footlong steak-and-cheese from Subway with 2 cookies for lunch, and then for dinner went to a Mexican restaurant and got - well, Mexican food. A huge plate, which to my credit, I only ate half of, and also had 2 margaritas.

The reason for this is pretty easy to identify. I was unprepared and caught off-guard by my unexpected work schedule for the day. At the end of the day, feeling stressed, I wanted a margarita and comfort food. I already felt like the day was a diet washout, and yes, I know the illogic in that thinking.

So this morning I'm 237 instead of the 233 I was.

I figure that most of that excess will come off soon, but I do want to be able to go more than a week without having a fall off. It is going to be harder to stick to my plan today when I remember being off it yesterday. The Cadbury creme eggs I have hoarded in a sugar bowl for the day I allow myself to have some - need to still be there by the end of the day!!!

I did feel better when it was all done. I felt fiiiiiiine.

But it explains things like why it's ok for me to go off-plan when I've made prior arrangements, and not when external circumstances throw me off. If I have it in mind that I will eat the cheese-and-tomato sandwich for lunch today, but my tomato is moldy, then I run the risk of losing my footing. Especially now in the beginning when I'm trying to relearn how much is the right amount of the which kinds of food to eat. It explains why I'm hesitant to go to lunch or dinner with you without already knowing what's on the menu and what I shall eat that will fit into my plan. It explains why the diet has to come first so often, which is not always desirable for life.

As I was doing my yoga this morning (I was able to do more this morning, and made it 40 minutes through before they lost me) I was realizing again what a great workout it is and how much I enjoy increasing my body function through those poses. I felt a moment's guilt about not doing a 700-calorie workout and having to lose more weight and get down to 180, and then realized that, even now as I struggle against the boundary of 240 pounds on the home scale, I've still already won because I'm no longer 285 pounds. I can afford to do the fine-tuning workout I want because, while I'd like to lose more weight, I am right now what I'd call on the high end of still being a slenderer me. I am still pushing the envelope (where did that expression come from? what does it mean?) in yoga and the BFL interval cardio, and feeling myself out in the Pilates and strength training. So it's good for now.

When I do advance to another exercise plan, probably in mid-Feb, I am sure the yoga will play a much larger role, and in spring more hiking and walking and maybe running. My heel does still act up, but I am sure it's getting better as I become more active again.

I also remembered Callanetics. I have the Callanetics video from the 80s, that I tried to do once, but it was (a) very difficult and (b) not what I was looking for at the time (I was looking for more of a calorie-burn, high-energy cardio thing probably) so I quickly abandoned it. I might just pull it out again, because it might be perfect for helping me to find those other muscle fibers I'm looking for, for improved toning, movement, and muscle motivation.

Jan 21 - pretty much a wash

Well, today I didn't want to get out of bed - felt too snug and sleepy in my bed, so I got up too late to do more than about 20 minutes of yoga, which was disappointing, I wanted to do more. Then off to work, hoping it was just a half day, but it turns out it's a full day. Once I found out I wasn't getting cut at lunchtime, I began to feel a certain uncertainty about how long I was staying and when break was called there were doughnuts and I ate - because I didn't know what my access to food was going to be like throughout the day. I could have packed last night, if I'd known. Oh well. I didn't just have 1 doughnut either, I went all out like they were going out of style. My schedule should be my own after this and I'll get back on track. Right now I've got to get lunch and get back to work. Hi ho.

Jan 20, 2011 weigh-in

Well here I am this morning - weigh-in day at ediets, and I'm waiting to see if I can weigh a little less when I get on the scale. I got on the scale right after I woke up and wasn't satisfied with my result. There is one main reason to want to weigh less - to show progress - on the charts, in my head. But there are 2 reasons not to - 1) because the less I weigh this weigh-in, the harder it will be to weigh 2 pounds less next weigh-in and that will be discouraging and 2) just that it doesn't matter too much what my weight is right now, a half pound here or there, I'm really just trying to learn to stick to the plan over the long haul. And I don't want to be waiting here in bed all morning, I'd like to get up and get some stuff done. I've been barely making it through my to-do list this week while I've been unemployed. BARELY. So I'm just going to go now and see what my weight is.

233.

*big grin*

I knew that I'd wish I'd done measurements last week so I could see real results there.

Mmmmmmmmmotivated!

Today's diet-related goals - (1)stick to the eating plan (2) 20-minutes BFL-style interval on the elliptical, and do my simple strength program and (3) create next week's meal plan, print it out, and go to the grocery store.

Also email my brother - we were going to be workout motivation buddies. I have been doing my exercise as I've wanted - it's been easy enough because I'm not working and Pilates and yoga I can do here at home in the morning before I do anything else (since I've been waking up so so early) and the gym workout is only 20 minutes and though it's hard, it's brief, it's easy to live through! It's very empowering, if you have a fear of your physical limits to push at the very peak of your limits for just 1 minute, and live through it, and feel better when it's done, and watch your peak performance get better over a short and a long period of time. The Body For Life program.

Jan 19, 2011 - 234.5 - unreasonable!

Today I'm 234.5? Unreasonable! Pshhh. I was too good yesterday. Chalk it up to random circumstance, just one of those things, possibly muscle growth blah blah. I will say that 4 hours after my interval workout on the elliptical, I was walking out of the grocery store and felt *vigor* in my hamstrings absolutely powering me back to my car. That's the vigor I've been looking for.

So anyway. :-P to the scale today. Up for Pilates now. I have a whole day again in which to do nothing but be a very good girl.

My exercise plan for January

First, let me get this out of the way. I am hungry.

I see I should have had lunch by now, and I have to run out and get a red bell pepper for lunch. I must have decided it was too expensive, when I was at the grocery store, but now I can't imagine eating this broccoli stir fry without the brilliant and delicious red peppers.

Moving on.

I delineated the goals of my exercise plan this morning. My exercise goals at the mo are not to burn the most calories. If they were, I would get on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Instead my goals have more to do with getting my body back into good FUNCTION.

(1) I want to firm up my abs, obliques, back muscles and various core muscles.

(2) I want to wake up my entire body, all different kinds of muscles, moving in all different kinds of ways. Increasing flexibility and strength and tone and grace and functionality and mind-body connection.

(3) I want to improve my general muscular vigor. I'm sluggish now. I want to improve my readiness to move vigorously.

As for #3, that is why I have made the Body-For-Life 20-minute interval cardio workout a priority.

As for #1 & #2, that's why I'm focusing on Pilates. Also I did some yoga yesterday and although it was pathetic comparatively, I was reminded of how excellent it can be when I can do it well - how strong, flexible, graceful, and warm I feel after a yoga workout - and how proud to be able to succeed at some of those difficult poses. In addition to Pilates and yoga, bellydancing and just dancing in general would be good for these goals.

So that's what I'm doing for now, and I will re-evaluate later, probably in February when I'm not so slammed as I will be when the month changes over. (I will almost certainly fail to get the exercise in during that time anyway!)

fat bellydance

234 again today. Well, I can't just keep losing a pound a day as nice as that sounds. Even then it would take me 2 months to reach my goal. I'm looking at probably over a year. I just can't wait to get back down to size 16 and lose a little bit more.

I watched The Secret of the Grain. There was this beautiful young actress in it, and at the end of the movie she very unexpectedly came in and did a long belly dance. It was surprising to me because she had quite a large belly. I am not opposed to poochy bellies on women but I kept thinking hers was unattractive. The camera was, of course, often focused on it. Still, despite my open-mindedness about the size of beauty, I know that most young American men would not be used to seeing a fat-bellied bellydancer and would have all kinds of insults to throw about it on the internet. (The movie was not made in America, it was a French-language film about Arab immigrants in France.)

Anyway, I've done a moderate amount of internet research on fat bellydancers and have found a lot more positive than negative (probably because the videos are labeled "fat bellydancer" or "BBW bellydancer"). I saw one where the woman was labelled BBW but I would say she was just pretty chubby - the videotaper really liked her belly, he kept zooming in on her belly even though there were multiple dancers.

All this bellydance video has me aware that for some reason for me my swishing my hips back and forth has become very rigid and inflexible, which I consider odd for me - I used to feel so hippy like a water person, I liked being a water person, but now I feel more and more like an Earth person. Plus the control they have over that section of their body, whereas for me this is a section of my body I largely overlook. I am sure regular study with bellydance would behoove me. I have the DVD when I wanted to try it before but as I think I told you - it was HARD.

Anyway. Another day down. Closing in on a week down, should get ahead of the game and plan my next week's meals. Today's workout is the 20 minutes BFL system on the elliptical. Also to at least decide how to incorporate strength training into my plan. Yesterday I did yoga which was great despite all the falling back I've done - lost energy trying to hold dog pose, lost thigh strength trying to hold a lunge. I definitely love that yoga vid - when I do it well, when I am done with it, I feel so fit, strong, flexible, and in connection with my body.

January 17, 2011 - 234

Down another pound today. This is good news to me, it means I'm 5 down from my start a few days ago and inspired to go it another day. I want to start a fresh new ticker since all the ones I have are sort of out of date anyway.

Exercise yesterday was the Pilates. Stuck to the diet, more or less - made some substitutions at lunch off-handedly - without consulting a substitutions list - how well does raisin bread substitute for 1/3 cup of rice? Some leftover canned pineapple for the honeydew melon. And then later an unscheduled orange, and skipped (forgot because was too sleepy) the simple salad with my dinner. So - more or less.

Also went out with my family after a concert. I was hungry but waiting for my dinner which was at home. I allowed myself a glass of wine, socially, which actually made me a very little bit tipsy for 10 seconds on such an empty stomach I guess.

My brother and I are going to encourage each other to keep exercising. I don't know if the gym closes or has a half day for MLK Day - but since MLK day was actually Saturday maybe that's not even relevant. I'm thinking of doing yoga anyway. Should do it now. I am feeling so hungry this morning!

By the way, I was thinking of going to the beach or something this week, but then realized that adhering to the meal plan sort of precludes that. I could try to go and "be a good girl" but if I leave the decisions about when and what to eat to my inspiration - I'm undependable. I don't know when I've had enough, I feel freer to treat myself when I'm on a trip. That's going to always be a burden for me to have to deal with probably. I like food, I like all different kinds of food, and my system can handle it.

Ok - yoga.

Sunday, Jan 16, 2011 - 235 pounds

Ok good, some weight has come off already.

WARNING - the rest of this blog entry is some rambling.

Over the past oh two weeks I guess I have felt my upper waist bulging out into my arms. That's what made it feel all the more drastic. I can also tell you that, of late, my complexion has been for the dogs and I feel like my face is ugly when it smiles again. My Dad offered again yesterday to get the fat sucked out my belly and I responded negatively to manage his enthusiasm for it but I don't actually feel that negatively about it, really. Losing weight is one thing, but the ratio of fat in different places on my body is another and this belly is the bain of my existence.

Ok, my speech is very grim, I don't mean it to be all that grim.

Yesterday I tried to stay on plan, but I did guesstimate a breakfast, and I also found a ghirardelli raspberry chocolate square on my bed, and that was so wack that I knew it was a sign from Odin that I was supposed to eat it. After that I experienced many temptations throughout the day as I was out and about and not getting home. I went to the gym and did my 20-minute interval training on the elliptical and felt my muscles working in new and interesting ways so hopefully that will come out well. Then I went to grab some socks and underwear and an avocado since the one I bought the other day was unripe and it wasn't ready for me to eat for breakfast. I never had a problem before with avocados from the store being unripe, and so I don't know how long to wait for them to ripen. The avocados at Compare Foods were also all unripe. What's with the unripe avocados.

While at the shopping center I also spent money on a little spending binge. - At Infinity's End (our local pot-smokers, rock-n-roll t-shirts, dragons, piercings, posters shop) I got a green amber ring, which is something I've been wanting for a long long time, and a neat wall-hanging face, and a poster of the Tournee du Chat Noir which I thought might be fun to put up somewhere in this house, though it ought to be framed. So that was $60, and I wanted more but had to stop myself! Then over to Roses for the underwear and socks, but I also bought some satin sheets there - I've never had a satin sheet set and it might be nice and the trim on these was pretty so I just did it on impulse.

I mention the spending spree because maybe indulging there might have sated my indulgence cravings so I was able to hold out a little better as I stood in line at the store staring at the display of archway cookies while very hungry and thinking that the only reason I wasn't eating them was that they were $3 and not because it would kill my dieting efforts. I wasn't thinking about my belly or whether or not I fit into my jeans, but I did think to myself - "You're not eating this these days and besides, you have food waiting for you at home."

So anyway, I made it past many temptations yesterday.

Today, sticking to the plan again, and also doing Pilates again. Pilates is the base limit of what I need to do today, but if I decide to, and if Actually doing the Pilates right now before breakfast. Breakfast today is oat bran cooked with apples and walnuts (and protein powder and vanilla and cinnamon) YUM and I will have some coffee with soymilk YUM.

You know, my roommate's boyfriend has been on Atkins for a long time now. He's lost a lot of weight and it seems a pretty restrictive diet but he's stuck to it, mostly. Considering all the different eating styles we have in this house now, the fridge is really pretty packed.

Ok, enough procrastinating. I am starving, and I have to do Pilates and some other stuff today!

January 15, 2011 - 238 pounds

Since my last post, I had a big illness relapse, or a new illness on top of the old one, and my erstwhile efforts to be moderate have slacked off into the worst of sweets ingestion. Breakfasts are fine, I have wonderful healthy soul-satiating breakfasts, but by the end of the day, junk food has overinvolved itself in my day.

So I gained again and at this point I feel I no longer have any connection with how much is the right amount to eat. So I'm - sigh - back on the ediets meal plan for now. I was 239 yesterday when I started, I am 238 today. I have discovered that there are Cadbury creme eggs out there already. *sigh* I had two yesterday and that is going to tide me over. When I do get enough weight lost, and feel like I'm sure I'm in control again, I will go to a program of having one day off the meal plan. That doesn't mean I can have a bingey free-for-all - it just means I can go to a restaurant with friends or something, and maybe have a Cadbury creme egg.

Today's diet-related goals are simply to stay on-plan and to do a 20-minute interval training session to (over time) boost my energy, stamina, and quick-twitch muscle fibers. I did Pilates on Thursday and am definitely feeling it in my abs - which is just another sign that I'm out of shape because usually I don't really feel much.