Monday, August 10, 2009

August 10, 239.9

Today, finally I seem to be back below 240, by a sliver. I must have stood on the scale 30 times when I got up today because it was so close to 240 and I didn't want to report that I was finally under 240 if I wasn't. If I am, then it's just barely. A week it took me to lose the 5 pounds I gained last weekend. Still want to hold off on the cheat day until I get to 238 because God knows I don't want to lose these same five pounds AGAIN!

Fat[Free]Me posted the other day about fear of failure. I don't necessarily relate to the fear of failure to lose weight - after all I've been fat my whole life so I know how to live with that -, but what I've got from the experience of the past week or so is a weakened faith. My blog title is the very confidently-named "For Real This Time" and yet, I feel like I'm not losing weight anymore. But I'm not really scared of not losing weight - I'm scared of losing it and then gaining it back! I just think it's going to be too easy to regain. I know I'm feeling like "Am I going to be eating like this forever, on this stringent meal plan, no restaurants ever again, no impromptu eating, etc...?" I think of my skinny friends and how they take that kind of lifestyle for granted. I'm glad I lived that way when I needed to and wanted to, but I'm starting to feel like I'm in self-imposed weight-loss prison, in my 4-walled tupperware world. I figure that's what Cheat Day helps to combat, but I don't feel like I've had a quality Cheat Day in a long time, so that's another reason to hope for 238 to get here sooner than later!!

I'm thinking about taking a trip to Savannah - maybe a day trip. I think doing something like that will reinstate for me a sense (whether false or true) of ownership of my life, which would hopefully bring positive strength back to this meal plan.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not REALLY suffering a LOT - just a little bit for a long time without a break.

Still waiting for my waist to reduce, will it ever?? I tried on my new purple dress, the one made for short girls (I'm pretty tall) and it does look good but that belly does poke out. It's over a month until the awards ceremony, when some girlfriends are going to make me dress up and go out because an awards show is their idea of fun (not mine - unlike them, I am not into group socializing and, unlike them, I'll be nominated which means it's a higher-stakes spotlight's-on-Hallie kinda thing.)

Need to go back to the gym and lift weights again so as not to lose ground - but I seem to be sort of sick and have been for about a week and it just kinda got a little worse - I'd like it to go away.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get on the whiners' bandwagon - there were a lot of emotional blogs in my reading list lately.

1 comment:

Jenn said...

Your diet won't be so restrictive forever. Once you hit your goal weight, your calories will increase a bit for maintenance.
Plus, you can treat yourself once in a while, the trick is to go back to healthy eating right afterwards. Skinny people's weight fluctuates a few pounds - you don't have to stick to a certain number on the dot - you can go up and down a couple of pounds.
I know how you feel - I feel like this too. But I remind myself that this isn't forever!