Thursday, August 20, 2009

Chocolate

So.

Before leaving for my out-of-town trip, I had a craving for chocolate which I (guiltily) gave in to, by purchasing the smallest chunk of chocolate I could find, a regular hershey bar, eating a third of it, and throwing the rest out.

After which I discovered that my craving was satisfied. I was very proud of myself after that!

And then this past weekend happened. I tried a little bit to monitor what went into my mouth, but there were too many exceptions - rocky road fudge from the candy factory on River St., the worst pecan pie ever from another restaurant on River St., a couple of truffles from the Russell Stover store.

Yesterday I was supposed to be back on my plan, but that box of Russell Stover chocolate covered molasses chews kept calling to me and I did not have the stuff to restrain myself. No amount of telling myself I'd had enough was enough - every one I ate made me want to eat 3 more. I watched myself binging - feeling helpless to stop. And some outside observer could just say "Stop yourself, you're in control." So why couldn't I stop myself? Did I not totally want to stop, even when the candy stopped tasting as good?

This is change from before the trip, when chocolate and sweets could sit in my cabinet or freezer undisturbed indefinitely, probably because my system was more balanced by the diet, I didn't crave them, and because I was in the habit of avoiding and saying no to sweets.

So somewhere over the past 5 days a change has happened in my body that made me unable to resist again.

So, oh that sucks.

The box of chocolates is gone - I threw it away at one point with a very few chocolates left in it. Last night I went to visit my parents and when I came back I was supposed to make dinner but I was tired and also still relatively undesirous of food, which I realized was probably due to the molasses chew binge. I went to bed without dinner.

This morning I had a positively delectable breakfast of a turkey-bacon-tomato-cheese-English muffin and grape nuts with blueberries and cherries. I'm still 240.5. I'm back "on." I have 20 pounds to lose to reach my long-term goal. And I want to find a book to help me consider how to overcome my problems with overindulgence. A spiritual (a la Buddhism) take might be helpful. Then again, Buddha had a weight problem - haha - if those statues are to be believed! :-)

2 comments:

Zaababy said...

yes yes throw it all away! I don't have that stuff around because I do not trust myself at all. Ever. I mean come on, trusting myself to make the right decisions hasn't worked--I weigh over 300 pounds! When I want something high calorie I tell myself no. No. I used to eat like that, but now I don't.
So put this behind you and next time you are around that stuff just run!
Hugs!

Mae Flowers said...

I have the same struggles with chocolate. It seems like when I eat some, I end up craving more! I see where you're coming from! :)