Thursday, January 14, 2010

not good

Loss of control again.

The blame game starts with yesterday - after breakfast I was NOT satisfied, I remained quite hungry and kept taking a bite here and there of my lunch but it didn't help. I have not been so unsatiated after a meal in a very long time and I don't know what caused it. Then I went into the neighboring grocery store for some coffee, and saw the cart for leftover Christmas candy, 75% off. I should have walked by, but I investigated, and found gourmet peppermint taffy, peppermint truffles, and chocolate-covered caramels. It was such good-quality candy, at such a discount, and with me being so hungry and thinking (hoping) I could eat just one (stupid, stupid, stupid) I bought some.

I did better at controlling myself yesterday. I ate maybe 300 extra calories of the candy and then left it at work when I left so I wouldn't be further tempted - not sure what I'd do when I came back in to work today.

This morning the scale didn't show the decrease I've been waiting for. A little disappointed, I thought about that candy and internally chastised myself, and also wondered whether that time of the month was curdling within me, too. I had breakfast this morning - french toast, and was quite satisfied this time around. Downright full.

But once I got to work, I remembered the candy. Had the desperate hope that I could eat just one, and could not stop myself until I got sick-full. A few moments later, feeling the urge again, would get more and eat as much as I could until sick-full.

Being candy-sick does give you pretty good willpower to get rid of the offending addiction before you keep binging on it. Even though it would have been nice to have had it for a nibble now and then - I am just not able to do that, at least not right now.

Over the past couple weeks I have been occasionally allowing myself one bite. When I stop to get a diet soda, I'll get a mini Reese's cup or whatever 5-cent candy they have at the register. No great damage to my calorie count, but I think it's kept the sugar beast alive in me, which made it easier to feel intense cravings and fall prey to them. Now that I've had a full-fledged binge, I think the sugar beast in me is very strong.

Anyway, I'm thinking a bit of making today my cheat day - but I'm not sure what that would entail, because now that I'm sick on candy, I can't remember what I wanted to do on my cheat day when it finally got here.

I'm wondering, now, if I have to go back on the Low-Glycemic diet plan. I like the low-Glycemic diet plan, but I like it better in summer. I like the seasonal diet now in winter, with its heartier meals.

I know you will all tell me not to give up, and to keep going, and that if I stay on the diet I will reach my goal. It is not in my nature to over-react to this kind of thing, but I am still disappointed in myself for sabotaging what was to be my upcoming joy at seeing a number on the scale less than 213, and for the fact that these lapses feel relatively common now, compared to my losses. I'm waiting for reassurance that the weight will continue to come off, and now I'm going to have to wait even longer.


BEE said...

id do the same thing sometimes
just make sure tomorow you get back on track or it will get out of control
junk makes you feel junky and you lose control when you feel like junk if that made any sense it just recently happened to me and what helped was making sure i had a good amount of protein in the morning like a protein shake or something so i wasnt hungry for awhile

whenever your starved find something with alot of protein and then wait no matter what wait 10 mins

i did this today and i wasnt hubgry 10 mins later
i even made myself more to eat and had to put it away

PROTEIN IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS and it helps build muscle too :)

Vegan Chick Pea said...

Best thing to do is just to NOT buy it at all. That way, you won't eat it, and it won't be around.

If it makes you feel any better though, I've done this several times also.

Tamzin said...

I would say that instead of a cheat day - you need to make sure that you are full at meal time. I know that when I eat too little, or of foods that are not filling (fibre and good stuff like that) that I will start to get cravings and get crazy on the food thoughts, which leads to the binging.

Its no fun doing that to yourself, Its been a while since I had a binge like that. :( hope you are feeling better soon!!!

Jodie said...

I agree it would be better after that to NOT have a cheat day and try to get yourself back in control. Have a few good days and then reward yourself with a cheat day.