Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Jan 6, 217

217 this morning. One down side to losing water weight is getting up way too early in the morning having to pee, and then not going back to sleep. I figure that's about the end of the excess water loss from going back on the diet.

The diet was good to me today. I really love that tofu and black bean salad. I didn't really get too hungry, just a little hungry once or twice, but I was covered for food and when I did eat it was enough to sustain through the next meal, (though I typically had to eat so fast I was still hungry when I was out of food.)

I did go to the gym as planned, and got on the elliptical trainer. I don't know whether it's just been a little too long since the last time I've been to the gym or if it was due to being a bit underslept, but I took it comparatively easy on the elliptical. I mean, I pushed myself a bit, but I didn't do the high-intensity intervals. So instead of achieving the 430-435 calories burned I got last time, it was only 415. And I was annoyed that I couldn't stetch out my legs, and felt like I'd rather be jogging, but my heel was bothering me. I felt like I wasn't feeling 'the burn' in the places I want to - I'm supposed to be building up power, quick-twitch muscle fibers and lower body strength on the elliptical, but today I don't know how much I really worked into those areas, it was just a plain old cardiovascular workout. But that's okay.

217 on Jan 6. Only 19 pounds to lose in the next 12 weeks.

I have to say that I've been facing some jealousy issues. We all know I'm not satisfied with the shape of my body at all even now that I've lost about 70 pounds. I'm also not really happy with my face, and I figure I'll never really be pretty. I'm just not one of the pretty girls. Losing weight isn't really going to help my face any more, and I just don't think I'm going to ever have a waist - even if I'm thin I'll be thick in the middle. My roommate is about half my height but we both wear size 18s now (only hers are size 18P whereas mine are nearly tall.) I know she has things she hates about her body, but the fact is, she's beautiful. So even though my BMI is better than hers, and she eats Chinese food and Taco Bell and chips and dip and sneers at exercise and is a worse slob even than me, she has a beautiful face, glamorous red hair and an hourglass figure, perfect cleavage, and all the guys love her. I can name at least 3 guys who started off interested in me but then saw her and transferred at least some of their interest to her. I know it's unattractive to confess to feeling outshined by someone else, and people will write to me and tell me about self-esteem. But I think my self-esteem holds up pretty well against the blows it takes, honestly, and I forgive myself for feeling outshined because we do have such proximity and I've had the chance over and over and over to watch people choose her over me.

I am still avoiding mirrors and cameras in public.

4 comments:

Jodie said...

I know how you feel. I think I am "cute" and will look "cute" when I'm thinner, but not beautiful. When you are 20, cute works, but when you are halfway between 30 and 40, you'd really rather be beautiful.

Just keep your spirit beautiful and the boys will fall in line eventually.

Natalia said...

Feel it inside... you're great. :)

Tamzin said...

Some of the most unhappy people I know are very beautiful by all social standards.

I'm never going to be a model either, but you know. Girls like you and me... we can be good looking too.

:) Keep smiling, I bet there is someone out there that thinks you are gorgeous and you just don't know it.

La Flâneur said...

One thing I think fat girls often lose sight of is how much of beauty (as socially evaluated) is in the presentation. We tend to think of ourselves as excluded from beauty by the fact of our fatness, and so sometimes we can forget about the stuff that we *can* do to occupy the social role of "attractive woman." There are plenty of girls who occupy that role and are, when barefaced and barefoot and headed to bed, downright homely. When I started dressing myself thoughtfully and expressively and wearing just a little bit of makeup on a daily basis, people's responses to me changed dramatically, and I realized how much of the benefits of beauty *are* available to me. My guess (and educated judgment based on your pictures) is that more of them than you think are available to you.

You may never be the girl someone discovers at the soda shop and wants to make a movie star. You may not have the natural blessings of your roommate. I don't either. I've got a good basic shape and a pretty-enough face, plus a few nice features, but short legs, disproportionately large arms, and a snub button nose. Plus, I'm a size 20. If I put no effort in, I'm often invisible. But a cute haircut, quick makeup routine, flattering clothing, and some low-difficulty heels get me hit on by cute men at the housewares store or given the pretty-girl discount by the deli guy. I think the obstruction many of us face to putting in this effort has to do with being concerned that if we do put in the effort we'll just be making ourselves conspicuously ridiculous. I understand that feeling. Still, I suggest you give it a try.

So my advice, should you be inclined to listen to an internet stranger, would be that you begin learning to dress your shape (I recommend fatshionista.livejournal.com for this—you may not prefer the politics, but the shopping savvy in larger sizes and around body shape is absolutely unparalleled). Go to a department-store makeup counter and let them do your face. Let your stylist do something new with your hair. Begin, in short, exploring how you might interact with the realm of beauty. It's not closed to you.