Monday, October 8, 2012

New Whys

I'm gonna make it through the second day just fine, even though there were actually less than 1400 calories in today's total meals.  The question is, will I get up the energy to prepare all of tomorrow's meals before I go to work in the morning.  It is very cold and the barometric pressure is low and I'm gradually falling behind in my sleep.  Hopefully I can go to sleep early and wake up early enough to quietly make my meals in the morning - instead of what I fear may happen - waking up at 2 a.m. and not being able to get back to sleep - that's more my style and it's never a good thing.

Anyway - I have been checking out some of the old guard - people's old blogs and youtube accounts.  Seeing a lot of stuff about stalling and regain.  I guess it can be part of the whole thing.

The first time around when I started in 2009 I really didn't have anyone around me much losing weight.  I did it by myself because I was feeling very solitary at the time, and besides, my requests for weight loss partnerships with, say, my roommate or my Mom, were ignored and avoided.  Now, I think my roommate is dieting again, she might be losing weight.  A woman at work has been losing a lot of weight on this big program.  Several people I know who were really just skinny people who let themselves go a bit were able to lose weight and apparently keep it off (bastards.)  Meanwhile my weight gain continued and I just didn't think about it except when my clothes stopped fitting.

I did at least stall out at around 265-270 months ago, instead of climbing ALL the way back up to the 285 I started from initially!  And that last time, I also set an initial goal of just losing 20 pounds, which would have brought be down to 265, which is just a little more than where I am not.  Right now I'm aiming for 250 by the end of November.

Last time I started dieting, I was motivated mostly by the following:
- I hated taking face pics of myself for Myspace or Facebook, I couldn't look anything but awful
- I hated how the part of my belly above the belly button had pushed out over the top of the bottom part, making most jeans feel absolutely horrible on me.  I hate the feeling of my upper belly hanging out over my waistband, it feels like a rash or a hangnail to me.

This time around I have the above but I also have others.  Since I was so recently so much less fat, the change back has brought about icky feelings, like when I lie in bed and feel my chin fat press against my chest fat - it feels gross and I have to put a bandana or something between them.  I don't remember that being a big problem for me before I lost weight - but I do remember how cool it felt when my chin and chest fat started to stop being so connected, like how it felt when my belly fat started to sink away under my skin.  I would luxuriate in bed and feel the changes as they happened in my new body.  Similarly, sitting in chairs or booths that crowd you, crossing your arms over your large belly so as not to crowd those next to you...

My clothes - all those cute clothes I bought and felt great to fit into - don't fit me anymore.  I want to wear them again.

And then there's the problem of aches in my knees and feet.  The knee and the strain over the top of my feet (and some unpleasant bone- or cartilage-popping in my feet) started a few years ago I guess, but I can't help thinking it might feel better if I didn't carry this extra weight.  I know you don't have to be overweight to have bad knees.  I have an aunt who was a dancer, then - I'm not sure which happened first, bad knees or obesity.  Anyway, now she has both, especially bad knees.  I never wanted to be the person with bad knees.  I don't want to give into that.  I want to take good care of my knees.  And feet.

Yet I also want to run again.  But I'm far from that right now.

And energy.  I don't have any.  That might have more to do with exercise than being fat.  I've been taking medication to regulate my thyroid for over a year now and apparently it's at the right number.  My strength and verve has depleted noticeably even since the days before my start in 2009.  I may just be getting old, but that's not entirely a good enough excuse - other people are getting old too.

So there we are.  I probably missed some good reasons, but I must have forgotten them at the moment.

Oh, and another good point.  When I was thinner, I lost all the fat layer over my shinbones, and scraped perma-scars into the middle of both leg shaving, creating what I figured was scar tissue that I would then slice off again another time shaving.  I was feeling around in the spongy tissue over my bone last night and I don't feel those bumps on either leg, so maybe, just maybe, they've had a chance to heal.

Can't wait to stand on the scale tomorrow!  Start the downward trend!  Will report back in the morning.

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