Binged - and more...

Oops, I went way way off today. According to my guessing, about 1200 calories over. I think there was a certain amount of that fatalistic - "Oh, well, I already went off with dinner, may as well go whole hog." And each additional binge took me way over.

Actually, I learned a bit more from my nutrition tracking today, so I will walk you through the day.

Today was a day "off" off from the theatre. Not that I didn't have work to do, but my schedule was my own and I wanted to try to take in a day of Asheville somehow.

Before breakfast, once I finally dragged myself out of bed, I took the walk I've wanted to take. Although I feel like the road I'm on should be fairly free of activity, there are actually tons of people walking by. Tons of dog-walking. Anyway I stepped outside my house onto my mountainside neighborhood and started walking. I forgot to check the time, so I estimated my walk was about 25 minutes, just a casual walking pace, more than a stroll, less than booking it.

Then breakfast. I decided to have cheese-tomato-avocado toast with milk and an orange this morning - a low-glycemic breakfast that should keep my cravings under control. I remembered that a week ago I loved this breakfast, but somehow today it didn't have the same kind of draw for me as Frosted Mini Wheats. I ate it anyway. 567 calories - not outrageous - probably had more milk than I was supposed to.

Then I set out looking for a number of things - a coffeeshop where I could have some coffee and hit the internet and find out where there was a Home Depot and a movie theatre where they were showing The Invention of Lying (which had a good review in the local rag and I'm enthusiastic about Ricky Gervais after The Office and an article he wrote on atheism.)

I had a frustrating time - I couldn't find any of the above for the longest time and I was driving in circles all over town - how had I not found a coffeeshop - not even a Starbuck's? Eventually I found the internet in a McDonald's parking lot, found the things I was looking for. Since the movie started in 5 minutes, I decided to go to the movie first. Unfortunately I got very lost and 20 minutes later I decided it was too late to go into the movie, so I'd go to a later showing. I did find the Home Depot, bought what I was looking for there, and decided to get dinner while waiting for the movie.

I decided on a local restaurant called the Moose Cafe - for sentimental reasons. When my brother lived here, and the family would come visit, that's where they would love to go for dinner. And come to think of it, this is sort of important to realize - that in my family, a restaurant with oversized portions on the cheap was valued. My Dad especially values getting more bang for your buck, including in food products, because he didn't get fat. He would fill up his plate and his plate was always filled up with expressions of gusto and loving life that seemed to say "Eating tons of food is the spice of life! Hurrah for a tummy stuffed with good food!!" Naturally, I soaked up some of this value system.

(Sidenote - Recently when we went out to the Outback Steakhouse last week, they served the bread before the meal and we each got a piece and then my Mom cut what was left into two pieces and chose the smaller piece for herself. Dad mocked her. (There are some unhealthy attitudes in our family that just never unravel.) He teased her for choosing the smaller piece, and said she was just like her mother (who was anorexic, and excessive about eating small portions while stuffing all the rest of us with her exceptional Southern cooking, to the point of usually offering us the food off of her plate.) He tried to get me to join in, but as someone who is faced with the pressure of having to eat more than I want to due to social pressures these days, I stuck up for her and said, "Why should she eat more than she wants to? She's a petite woman, she doesn't need to eat the largest portion of bread." And in fact, my mother is a petite woman who is overweight, I'm sure to my father's chagrin (I know my mother doesn't like being that way), so maybe he realized that he was trying to shame her into eating more than she wanted even though she's already fat - that it was naturally illogical.)

Back to the Moose Cafe. They have large portions of downhome southern cooking and nothing on the menu is diet-oriented. I mean, they may have had a cottage cheese plate or something, but that's not what you go there for. I got a boneless fried chicken breast with buttermilk gravy, sweet potato souffle and green beans and macaroni and cheese with unsweet tea. It was also served with a great big biscuit with molasses and spiced applesauce. I recorded this meal the best I could at Sparkpeople and it came out as 1360 calories, although I'm sure it was more because I didn't report the applesauce (about 2 tablespoons although sweet) and I'm sure the green beans were prepared in some kind of oil.

Already up to 1800 calories.

I went to the movie, and I'd already decided to indulge in my expensive (in money and calories) movie treat - popcorn with butter AND Rasinets (washed down with Diet Coke). That's estimated at 653 calories, but I can't be sure because I can't say how much butter I ate (I guessed 4 tbsp, is that a gross overestimate or a gross underestimate? can't say. tbsp measure of melted vs. solid butter? also don't know if popcorn is air popped or popped in oil - I guessed air popped)

That brought me up to 2450 calories.

Then I got a venti mocha from Starbucks, and would you believe that that was 410 calories? And 17 grams of protein too! Still.

And the movie was a big disappointment. I laughed at times, but for a great idea, it was very immature and needed a lot more work. One thing, though, that really resonated is how there's just no shortage of fairy tales or movies that show that no matter how ugly or dorky or undesirable a man you are, you can still have that Beautiful Woman. Not that ugly woman you sneer at in disgust. And if you are that ugly woman - well, there are no movies about you, and nobody wants you, and nobody wants to watch a movie where the ugly chick gets the guy. Ok, there was one movie - The Truth About Cats and Dogs - although Garofalo is widely considered to be a hottie. And, well I just don't know if Shallow Hal counts. There's a song for teenagers on the radio these days about a girl who's a bit of a tomboy and has a crush on a guy who she feels really connected with, but he's chasing after some cheerleader who's hot but doesn't get him, and he's trying to be who the hot chick would want instead of settling for the "real" girl, who is waiting for him to see her, and that's fine for a teenager, but she will learn by her twenties that that guy isn't ever going to see her, at least not until after he's married the cheerleader.

When I was watching youtube videos of women going through gastric bypass surgery, one woman addressed the question of another woman on an issue that I have but didn't know if anyone else did - the issue of whether or not feelings of bitterness and resentment would surface when, after years of being disregarded as a potential girlfriend, suddenly those guys show interest. I thought I would be so bitter and haughty and wouldn't be interested in any relationships with anyone purely out of resentment - I mean, I'm the same person, and I've always been deserving of love that I don't get to have because I'm too fat. The person in the video said, "I thought I'd feel that way, but now that I'm here I don't feel that way."

(Combined with all I've read about "You're good enough to fuck, but too fat to be my girlfriend" or "Any time a guy has sex with a fat girl he's just slumming" or "Fat chicks give the best head because they're hungry and eager to please" makes me quite turned off by the whole idea of the dating scene and male sexuality, and lately I feel I'd rather just stay out of it until true love shows up and makes me trust in it, if such a possibility even exists.)