Saturday, October 10, 2009

October 10, mmmmph 225.5? I want a recount!

I just got up and stood on the scale, a little excited for what I'd see on weigh-in day. But the result was not actually an emotional boost. Having weighed in at 225 earlier this week, and having only eaten 3 of yesterday's 5 scheduled meals, I was kind of prepared to weigh less than 225 today, but instead I'm a little over. Granted it's still more than a 2-pound loss for the week. Still, I feel like waiting around a while and seeing if the scale gives a lower reading within the next hour... Petty much? Hey, it's weigh-in day. My tickers already show a reading of 225, a reduction of 60 pounds. How depressing to bring them back up.

I adhered to the meal plan this week, except a couple skipped meals. Now I don't know what to do. In the coming days, I'm scheduled for a restaurant dinner tonight with my parents, and birthday cake, Indian food with my friend on Monday, and on Wednesday I head to Asheville. I feel a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to get done before that day, and then once in Asheville I have begun to feel excessive anxiety again over the work I have to do there. I really hope to make my time in Asheville a good time during which I can soak up the atmosphere and fine weather and be relaxed and happy, but in all likelihood I think I will be anxious and grumpy about my lighting design, making it suit my standards and possibly (knowing me) feeling grossly affected by my exaggerated detections of disapproval from my colleagues there. I wanted to take this opportunity in Asheville because I recognized a stagnation in my life and a need to take on new challenges, and also possibly meet new people and have new experiences and find new open doors. But lighting design - especially drafting a plot - fills me with such dread and anxiety and it took me all week to do it and I didn't get any sleep the night before my deadline... and this is all par for the course for me. I'm actually doing a little better about relaxing about it this time, having confidence in my abilities to carry me through it, and not letting it have so much importance that it drags me into the dregs, but it is still a battle. This feeling of being "challenged" is novel but the anxiety it stirs up is a really horrible feeling and makes me just want to settle in to a comfortable job with a comfortable group of people where we already accept each other because we've been together for years. I always describe myself as being a low-key person, but maybe the truth is that that's because I avoid anxiety as much as possible - because the slightest thing like meeting someone new or doing this job can cause me anxiety that feels like my soul is being pummeled inside my skin. It is not invigorating. And maybe it is mostly fear of disapproval from others. Hm.

Well, that was a rant. I'm sorry I didn't reach my goal before going to Asheville, I guess. I feel confused and sort of like I should go off the ediets meal plan now and just try to "behave" on my own until I get back from Asheville.


Learning to be Less said...

You have learned a lot from ediets. Maybe you are ready for the challenge of handling things yourself. It is scary but you can do it!

266 said...

A loss is a loss and anything over two pounds is awesome! I get the frustration, but there are so many reasons weight can fluctuate and you are down from last week overall. You are almost down 60 pounds and that is incredible! Be proud, girl! Thanks for commenting on my blog, by the way. Every little bit of encouragement helps! (Although I apologize for any jealous feelings - you have lost more than me overall so really I am feeling pretty envious right now too! Lol!) ;)