245

I seem to have settled around 240-245, haven't I?

My focus isn't on dieting so much right now. It's on money. Credit card bill came and I didn't have any money in checking to pay it. I had some illness earlier this summer and some unfortunate scheduling matters prevented me from getting much/any work for a few weeks. I also got health insurance and a new laptop so far this year. Somewhere in the mix, my financial situation has depleted, so I've gone on a financial diet. I pay my bills and allow myself $100 per week for groceries and other discretionary spending. I started this thing by calling a halt to restaurants (I was eating nearly every meal at a restaurant), coffee shops (I was passing time by going to coffee shops and reading, and I'd buy a beverage while there), movies and DVD rentals, the odd 16-oz soda (I can drink water for free) and even restricting my driving so that I don't use up gas unnecessarily. I've also been taking all the work that comes to me, which basically means I go and spend hot horrible humid days from 8 a.m. to 2 a.m. doing these rock and roll shows and its very physically taxing but the good thing is that they cater! Still, even as I try to hope that the money I'm making and not spending will make a difference the next time I have bills to pay, I face a car that needs repair (hopefully only $50), a laptop that needs repair (about $250) and everything is breaking and falling apart (need new frying pan, and new DVD/VCR player) and there's a beach trip coming up that I've promised to go to, before I knew just how bad things were going to be for me financially.

Anyway, the way this relates to my current relationship with food. A couple years ago I transitioned from eating out at restaurants and picking up candy and drinks from convenience stores and drinking out at bars, to eating on a meal plan which often called for me to buy more perishable foods than I was scheduled to eat, and pricey ingredients to fit whatever the meal plan called for. At the start I remember thinking I was willing to pay whatever they asked me to and I would submit to their plan. My roommate said "I don't know how you afford it" and I said "It's not ideal" but the truth is it didn't kill me. Berries are expensive but they were so worth it to me. I didn't go into the poorhouse. Although looking at the graph of my net worth over time, I've been gradually getting poorer all along, getting a boost in Jan 2010 from work or inheritance or something. Why did I not really notice it before now?

So now I'm living like most people already have at least once or twice in their lives, if not habitually. And I'm learning what to eat this way. The food may not be much different but the methodology is. Try to make sure I have some proteins and good carbs and fruits and vegetables to choose from. Then you can make a meal that mixes these things - eggs and grits with toast and fruit - fish and rice stew with celery and carrots. I have some cottage cheese in the fridge that needs to be eaten, what can I mix it with? Well I have some pineapples and some sliced almonds, that could be good. I've reconnected with the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I haven't even checked to see how many calories it is, I just eat it sometimes. That goes for cereal too. Once a week I go to the grocery store and get myself something sweet (brownies or something) and a good special protein like chicken or steak.

I know this sounds funny to those of you who have always eaten this way. For me it sort of takes me back to my high school days, eating after school like I did. Bowl of cereal, can of soup, tomato sandwich... but with more protein, probably.

I have been quite inactive this summer except at work, which can be very active, or at least physically taxing. After three days of that mess, Thursday I soaked in the tub and applied lotion to my whole body (unusual in summer for me) and Friday I took my sore and limber body and did a very very gentle (wimpy) yoga session that limbered me up enough to do the warm-up section of my normal yoga DVD this morning. Miss yoga SO MUCH! And if I'm not trying to get all cardiovascular, yoga is SO GREAT!

248

This week, I thought I was going to be unemployed and be able to focus on my diet and getting regulated. Instead, I got a job all week and it was wonderful but I lost focus and regulation on my diet and plans for exercise went out the window. I earned money, got some reading done, and got to see some of my favorite people this week, so all is not lost. But I got on the scale this morning and weighed 250 (a couple hours later it was 248).

A long time ago I started allowing myself to break from the stringent restrictions just a little bit, and since losing 80 pounds was so easy, I figured it would be easy enough to get back on plan when I reached a certain weight I didn't want to get back above. I remember that weight being 215, 218, 225..., and months and months later I'm almost 250 and craving sweets multiple times per day.

It makes for an uninspiring blog. So I won't be publishing any more until I see some success, if I ever see success again, and I do intend to, but I don't see the point in publishing endless dodohead posts. I didn't get into the weight loss blogging for support, but to inspire others as I had been inspired.

Speaking of inspiration - some friends of mine have been losing weight. While my pants get tighter and tighter and I have fewer and fewer tops that fit, as I continue to stifle myself in the romance department because I am beating myself up inside about how I don't measure up to the minimum standard, facebook status updates are rife with people who lost that 20 pounds. (Of course, no one posts when they gain it back...)

When I start losing again, I will come back and tell you how I did it. Until then, happy losing, keep up the good fight!

(PS As for the Synthroid, it's hard to tell if it's having much effect - or the right effects - the effects I'd hoped for or other effects... I feel a little less mentally confused but then again I've had some time off and I'm not challenging my brain too much anyway. My metabolism still ain't much to write home about either.)

240

Hey. So, thanks to strep throat, my scale readings went down from 245. I started antibiotics last night and Synthroid this morning, so hopefully I will be well enough and energetic enough soon to really make a go of it back at the gym soon! I am really curious as to how this synthroid will affect me - metabolism, weight, energy, mental acuity, memory, clarity, effectiveness, focus... Maybe I'm just hoping for a magic pill to make everything better. Not that I asked for Synthroid - it was foisted upon me against my wishes. And I'm still uncertain about taking it (although my 'doc' seemed very adamant that I should take it asap, sooner rather than later, when I saw her yesterday and told her that I had held off on taking the first pill because of the strep.) But reading about the possible results of taking the drug does have me wondering if it will effectively be the answer to all my problems.

So, looking for cargo shorts to wear to work is difficult. I went to Old Navy but no luck. I finally found a merchandiser called Grainger that sells black cargo shorts for plus-sized women. Even then, choosing a size is something I'm apathetic about. Do I err on the side of too big in case I gain weight and need them to be bigger? Or do I err on the side of too small in case I lose weight? What size am I? What size am I going to be? It was a $50 pair of shorts for work. Hopefully fairly baggy shorts for work- imagine the challenge of choosing a size for a corset and lingerie and leather. We're doing a production of Rocky Horror soon and I'm kind of excited about having an excuse to dress in a bustier or some kind of outfit involving a bust and garters - in public. There are a ton of options online and it's hard enough to know what to choose, let alone what size to pick. Of course most of these garments are expensive. I would enjoy dressing to fit the part of Rocky audience member (not so much cast member) but my natural style is more Victorian, Edwardian, flower girl soft. I like a lot of the pin-striped stuff which I think would work for Rocky Horror, but I don't think pinstripes will do well with my bulges and crevices. Plain black leather is probably what would be best. It would be best to find something versatile - something that works for Rocky Horror and for me and can be worn underneath or as outerwear. Then use accessories to change the vibe as needed. And I'm thinking, instead of fishnets, just solid sheer thigh-highs (if I can get any to come up high enough on my long thick legs!) I actually liked the white - although striped ones would be pretty funky too. Honestly, I've been wanting to update my lingerie options for a long time, but not knowing what size to buy, and feeling like I can't afford it, has held me back for a long time. Now I have a real external reason to do it, even though I can't afford it now even more than ever, maybe I can worry about that later...

I do actually have a corset already - one that I historically did and didn't like - it's pretty commonly espied in a google search for plus-size corsets, even still. It's red jacquard with a sheer black lace panel in front (partially exposing my belly, something I was sorta apathetic about) but it really makes me look pretty hot (at my current size, the ties in back actually close up a lot more than they did when I first got it) and even makes me wonder why I worry about losing weight. But it doesn't seem right for Rocky Horror...

So how's that been for a weight loss blog entry? My doorbell's ringing - never a good sign.

245 ugh

My show has previewed. I'm all but done with it. I woke up yesterday morning, my first day off, with a scratchy tingly sensation in my throat which I hoped would dissolve away if I got up and moved around, but instead the longer I was out and about, the more my discomfort grew. The first day off-duty and I got sick. I didn't feel like I was pounding myself into the ground on this one, most of the time. Sleeping in, seemingly beyond my control to push myself up and out the door, I worked late nights. I did not take time to pack meals. I didn't know when I'd be awake or asleep and was confused about when that would mean I'd eat breakfast or dinner. But mostly, I used comfort food. There were many days in a row there that I ate a LOT, careening willingly into one of those Meredith Baxter Birney binges, using food to escape stress, eating junk food and fast food because that's what was available... I felt some relief at seeing that, as the stress of the deadline passed, my appetite restored to something far more moderate and normal.

Now the show is all but open, it's in previews, and I haven't yet started taking on new work. I need to focus on myself for a hot minute before I go to the next thing. Yesterday I managed to get some cleaning and administrative stuff done. Then I went out to shop for some pants to work in this summer - I really want some pants, capris, or shorts with big extra pockets. Everywhere I went I saw people wearing shorts and pants like this, yet I couldn't find any for me. So I think I'm going to actually order online - which I hate, I've never yet kept a garment that I've ordered from the internet, it's just been a pain to have to return, and get a refund but pay for postage.

So anyway, this morning I weigh 245, which is the maximum I've seen over the past week. 245! 245!! That really makes me feel awful, really. I thought I might weigh less after not eating so much the past day and over the past days and after peeing so much since last night. I would love to exercise, but the swelling in my throat tells me it's probably not a good idea to exert myself right now. >:-P Nevertheless, I will create another week's meal plan and make some plans.

update - good news and bad news

Good news first - Driving along, my biceps popped out and got all in my way, which is to say I noticed them and they seemed harder, bigger. So maybe my earlier speculation that I had built some welcome mass was true.

Now the bad news - This lighting design has overwhelmed my ability to manage myself at all, including meals. Everything is undone, again, will have to start over, next week or something.

Trying to remember now how it was that I was previously able to push aside performance anxiety on a lighting design deadline enough to manage my meals. ::siiiiigh:

:-/

I was disappointed by this "morning's" scale read - still no weight lost since I started back. Granted that I haven't been perfect, and a couple days ago I was exceptionally unperfect, which was then explained by the onset of menstruation. I really hoped that after lots of sleep and menstruation I'd finally see the difference on the scale this morning, so I was disappointed.

Here are my thoughts on it...

It could be the weightlifting. I mean, I can actually feel a considerable difference in my muscular readiness to conquer the staircase. Whenever we climb stairs at work I'm always far beyond my coworkers, but that's always the case, even when I'm unhealthy. The way I deal with stairs is to get past them! Lingering on them just prolongs my misery. Anyway, maybe there has been significant muscular weight added.

It could be the cheats. I have not been strictly adherent the way I used to be and wanted to be again. A couple of nights, right before my period, I stopped by the convenience store for a sweets binge. Sometimes I also skipped meals.

It could be all the inactivity. I stay up all night lying in bed playing video games and then sleep, so that's a lot of time lying down.

It could be that I'm scheduled for too many calories. Since I told ediets I was working out 3-5 times a week instead of 1-3 times per week, they upped my calories to 2000-2200 from the 1500-1700 I used to do when I wasn't exercising. For one thing, it's more food prep and more expensive groceries! I always used to cheat a little bit on the size of my fruit servings but since I was losing weight I didn't worry about it. Now if I'm scheduled to eat even more calories, then maybe overestimating my portion sizes is killing my results on the scale.

I'm going to stick with the exercising, and keep up the weightlifting for at least a little longer, but if I don't see a loss on the scale, and my clothes don't start fitting better, and I don't feel little hollows in my body where the fat used to be, I will ask ediets to reduce my calorie budget. And if that doesn't work, I will consult an advisor at the Y and consign myself to his or her advice/program.

I have to believe that this is going to happen for me again, but it just might have to hurt a little bit, and sometimes life distracts my focus.

5 a.m.

So, I got home from work at 3 a.m., later than I expected. It's now nearly 5 and I'm sleepy and I have not prepared any meals for tomorrow, when I will be gone to work all day. I'm sleepy, and I don't have a plan. Can I choose the right restaurant meals? I am not there yet.

Hopefully tomorrow's the last day this will happen. Maybe in the morning I'll figure something out.

239

Ok, I am down a little bit. As much as I peed since yesterday, I figured that was a good sign that the scale would show its water retention release. But I'm only down 2 pounds, and that's after skipping a significant chunk of yesterday's calories, though I also did add a berry latte (made from some powdered stuff) at the movie theatre (better than popcorn, anyway, and I didn't drink the whole thing.) There's a lot of food in this week's meals - the meals seem hard to eat for all the crunching on vegetables.

But I'm not going to harp on negatives in this blog. I like vegetables.

I meant to tell you that my doctor called me and told me, not that my cholesterol is bad (it's good) and not that I have diabetes, but that my thyroid is underproducing and she wants to put me on Synthroid. Both my parents are taking Synthroid. It's taken me two weeks to get back to her with a pharmacy to send the drugs to, for various reasons, including that I can't decide how to pick a pharmacy. Does anyone remember me complaining about indecision and confusion and lethargy? I am wondering, actually, if this treatment will result in improvement in those areas. Yet I am also nervous about starting a treatment regimen that will replace my organs at producing my hormones, for the rest of my life. The rest of my life, we hope, is a long long time still, to be taking a pill in the morning and at night. I might do better to just get along with an underactive thyroid like they did back in the day. I would prefer that my doctor talk to me about the drug instead of just give me a call with the name of a syndrome and a prescription that I'm just supposed to start taking. I know I should trust my doctor, too... I couldn't find any (many) thyroid replacement drug horror stories when I looked for them on the internet. There doesn't seem to be a big crusade against it...

Today, I don't feel like exercising. I have to be at work in 7.5 hours and have other things I want to do between now and then. Maybe I'll eventually get inspired to do some exercise. A full session of weightlifting takes me an hour, not including getting to and from the gym and being in the locker room.

I'll tell you what is true for me - it seems like, in order for me to stick to a diet, based on the success I had before, I have to do it with a sort of fatalism. No you can't do that, you have to diet.

I saw "I Am" yesterday and came out from it behaving much more pleasantly to other people. I frequently know this is a part of life where my actions don't match my values, because I believe in community and love, yet I am shy and retiring and never say hello to anyone unless they say hello to me first. The Dalai Lama is so inspiring how he smiles to greet people. It was hard to decide to see the movie because I hadn't ever heard of it, so I checked RottenTomatoes and the critics only had given it 40% good reviews. I'm not 100% behind the math and justifications of the movie, but I was inspired by it all the same. I loved the part that explained that we focus too much on the competitiveness and aggression and the strong-tramples-weak aspect of darwinism and not nearly enough on the cooperative aspects needed for survival.

I also loved this article: The Modern Mind and Social Nature

241

Ok, so it's only been 2 days, not enough time for me to really rate my commitment success (I mean, how many times have I been 2 days into a diet - way more times than anyone is interested in!) - but I only wanted to express my disappointment that after 2 days there is no weight loss yet. There should have been. Plbthtbth. Ok. Tomorrow, for sure. Meanwhile I'm still exercising. Have I told you I have been back on weightlifting for a couple of weeks? Got tired of feeling unstrong in my muscles. And I lifted weights yesterday. But the mirror shows that my belly is in funhouse mirror extension mode. :-)

If I knew I was going to sleep so late I would have set my alarm. My day off is almost over, and I am destined to be up late tonight. I keep meaning to go to sleep early, but I keep staying up until 4 anyway.

May 7, 237

I think the lifting weights is helping this week. I manages to get in three full-body weightlifting sessions and followed up with cardio two of those times. Today I skipped the cardio because I need to go celebrate my Mom's bday. Next week I can do cardio in 20 minute increments, but I didn't think I'd be able to get my weightlifting in on my lunch break or dinner break, and I wanted to go ahead and get that muscle build-up started.

There has also been a grand reduction in my uncontrollable cravings. I have had Subway cookies with lunch yesterday, but overall my tendency to swerve into the fast lane has been greatly reduced. No chocolate, no candy. Yesterday when I got coffee I got popcorn as a snack - I have a new particular fondness for popcorn and have been popping it lately (in oil in the fry pan - I don't have an air popper - but my parents have one they never use.......) Anyway, I considered it a moderate choice over the cakes and pastries I would usually prefer to have chosen, and was considering, when I thought - "Meh, I don't really want that all that much, just a little something to tide me over, how many calories are in that popcorn?" It was 150.

So - I don't know why. I haven't started the diet yet, and now I'm wondering if I need to... Probably should. Could be the effect of warmer temperatures having set in, or the angle of the sun to the earth? Who knows. I still feel like I can't catch up on my task list, day in and day out. Silly things. Silly things like shopping for clothes.

So I went and did my clothes shopping last night. I was looking for work pants (preferrably cargo pants, and preferrably full-length so as to protect my shins from scrapes and bruises at work) and jeans for work and for Looking Hot. It was a bit of a nightmare, really, especially when you consider the prices. I found a pair of jeans at Lane Bryant that were not talls but seemed long enough, and if I trim the boot-cut into a straight-leg or taper, it might not matter if they do shrink up a little in the wash. I bought them because I loved what they did from waist to knee. They actually button up above my belly button, allowing me to control that unsightly pouch that burdens my shape. This is absolutely unheard of. But I came home and read reviews that say that within an hour's wear they will be FALLING OFF MY BODY they will stretch so much. I wore them about an hour last night, there was a little stretch but it's hard to imagine that waist panel coming loose.

I also got some capri jeans from Lane Bryant - they looked okay even though capris often make me feel like I look dorky, but at least the length doesn't matter so much - and some skinny jeans (also not talls, but again, doesn't matter as much with skinnies) from Old Navy.

I also got some sundresses from Ross, which is cool because I used to despair as a teen that I was too fat to wear a sundress, and now, I'm still fat, but at least they made some sundresses in my size - although in some cases it feels like they didn't account for large bosoms. I may just have to decide not to care about showing off that much of my arms, shoulders, back and cleavage. All in all, if I'm not trying to convince the world that I'm not fat, the dress is pretty flattering.

I have to go - Mom's waiting.

May 6, 2011 - 239

I have completely lost track of what's been going on with the diet. Apparently I lost 12 pounds at the beginning of this year, only a couple months ago? Well, I have gained them back and then some. I am the yo-yo. Blame?

my relationship with sweets has a growing nature. I was unable and unwilling to restrain from easter candy this year.

my relationship with Sims and Farmville, which may be taking more hours than I realize from my day, thus sapping my inspiration to take on the tasks of grocery shopping and food packing. I do well with breakfasts, but lunches and dinners throw me.

my lack of a relationship with anyone else. keeps me unenergized about life. I wish there were someone in this world I could be excited to see, some activity in my life that could keep that little spark of excitement alive in my breast and give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Am I willing to change any of the above?

Well, yes, I am willing to cut the sweets. I am figuring that was a major part of my earlier success. Get my cravings under control. Last time I posted, I had started a 3-day "cleanse." At the end of 3 days, though, I had diet sodas and candy and coffee and was starting to feel much better! Then I even played the Sims again. I actually haven't been overdoing the Sims too much. I don't think I love it that much anymore. I was actually almost done with the Sims when my computer blew out a few years ago. I had created a Sim of myself and married and had my own child who was grown and I was endeared to her and wanted to see how things went in her life. But then my computer blew up. I think if I'd had the chance to live my Sim life out, and maybe also hers, I'd have been done, because I know the "game" so well now that it's pretty rote and I play it all the same for every person no matter their personality differences.

Anyway.

I haven't even created a Me Sim yet in this game, but I do have some 2nd generation Sims all grown up and ready to procreate on their own.

Anyway.

Lately I have suffered great confusion of what to do with myself diet-wise and exercise-wise. Diet-wise, wanting to quit ediets, wanting to be somewhat vegetarian, and still popping into restaurants. Exercise-wise, wanting to do the yoga, dance, but thinking that I'm too fat now to have the luxury to rely on those exercises. Also wanting to run but my feet won't let me. Also needing time and motivation to exercise.

So this week has been like this. My home scale hit 242. (At the doctor I was 252 or so, and she confirmed my height is only 5'9 (a blow to my BMI)). My clothing is a sad situation. Most of my 16s and 18s don't fit. I have 2 or 3 pairs of jeans that do fit, and only one has legs long enough. So I go around looking like an idiot with my short wide pants legs flapping against each other. Shopping for jeans remains a nightmare because ready-to-wear likes to deny the existence of tall women. I'm also no great fan of the "boot-cut" (I prefer straight leg) but any tall plus-sized jean out there is boot-cut and that's your choice. Low-waists are also an enemy, because of course my fat upper belly just falls over them. My shape is abominable, but offended even worse by women's clothing.

It's just like it was when I started this thing in 2009(?) - clothing horrors and unable to take a picture of my own face for my Facebook photo.

So I decided that, since after all these years I'm still incompetent to manage my own lunches and dinners (due to my propensity for confusion) I should just go back on the ediets meal plan and continue to spend $17 a month on that service. Even as I type that, I don't want to do it. I want to write my own meal plans or make my meals from the multi-serving foods in the fridge. So already I have confused myself.

On the exercise front, there has been activity. I am lifting weights again. I figure it's good for weight loss and good for strength, and I desire both. Next week I have a lot of very long days, early mornings, late nights, only an hour for lunch an hour for dinner, so I'm not sure how the weight-training will fit in. Or the food-packing.

My goals for today are yoga (I did weight-training and cardio yesterday and need the limbering and all the other benefits of yoga), and to print out a meal plan for the coming week. Possibly more cardio but I also want to go shopping for clothes for me and for Mom and shopping takes a shitload of time, pardon my french, but I do not feel positive about it!

This morning I was 239.

day three - an abandoned post that I decided to publish

After two days, I've lost 7.5 pounds.

When I got out of bed this morning, I thought my legs looked like old lady legs. I am certain I have lost muscle from what I'm used to from both my thighs and calves. Maybe it's been a fairly rough several months, since I don't know when, but I remember winter was plagued by a new feeling of fear, and then this spring has felt like I was constantly trying to keep up, and I feel tired. Now maybe this is just the result of my current anxiety, but I feel tired and lazy. I don't even wash the dishes anymore - now my roommate washes them of all things. I hesitate to suggest that this lethargy could be a sign of something greater than just laziness and lack of regular exercise. I have my first annual check-up in years coming up and I'm wondering if I should mention a thyroid check? (Last time a doctor checked, maybe about 10 years ago, and I was wondering if there was some chemical wrong with me that might be thyroidic or PCOS since I was overweight, mostly abdominally, fairly hirsute and menstruating irregularly, but the doctor said there was nothing wrong with my thyroid levels nor did I seem to have PCOS, although, actually I may not have asked the ultra-sound tech about cysts on my ovaries because I was so caught up in the possibility of having 2 cervixes, as my doctor had suggested.)

Anyway, I can't seem to get caught up and I'm tired and lazy and lethargic and losing muscle.

So on top of my stress level, there was very very palpable hostility from my tech crew today, and I'm having a hard time getting over it. Most of it is coming from the master electrician, who seems to always have something biting and angry to say, I'm scared to say anything lest she get irate about it even though I never realized anyone would interpret it as a reason for offense. In other words, I can tell she is too angry and sensitive in general and try not to take it too personally. Then there are the other two guys on the crew, who are her friends, one of whom in particular doesn't really always seem to know what to think for himself all the time but anyway, if she's angry about something, he might be inclined to line up on her side. As for me, I've pretty much decided I never want to work with her again. I'm doing all I can to be calm and like a balm, I approach her as one might approach an angry tiger, and I am over it.

So if I can't tell my true feelings right now, that's why.

Still eating clean. At the grocery store I was hungry so I bought cheats, but my cheats were comparatively bland - sushi (relatively clean except that some of the fish was treated with carbon monoxide?) but not easy to guess at the nutritional content -

That's where I left off that last one. It reminds me that there was about three weeks that happened recently where I was held hostage by a light plot, and spent my days sitting still, withdrawn into my brain, trying to work, and when I couldn't do more, I escaped into computer games, mindless activity - everything was extreme, especially my anxiety, my inability to sleep through the night (waking up due to anxiety - typically I never wake up before having a full night's sleep...) I probably salved my strained nerves with comfort food too. No wonder I came out of it fat and physically unfit.

day one

So this morning I weighed fully 5 pounds less than yesterday. I ate only breakfast and lunch yesterday and drank only water and pomegranate-blueberry lite juice. I haven't been hungry, but I just ate today's breakfast because it seemed like a good idea. I guess I need to go to the grocery store because I'm afraid I'm running out of "clean" food. (I mean I have some Lean Cuisines and canned veggies, but... I'm not even sure I should be okay about this juice, and the tablespoon of dried cranberries I had with breakfast are made with added sugar.) I awoke in a swell of anxiety last night and after trying to go back to sleep for an hour, then I tried to get up and face my light plot (sooo scared and confused!) and then my mind stopped working pretty soon after that, and I went back to sleep and wanted to get up this morning, but when I am scared of a deadline, it's like my body physically can't face it. I might feel stronger about it if I drank some coffee, but I started this *thing* and so am not doing coffee. I am sure that I would love to pig out on comfort food if it would numb these feelings of anxiety and give me something else to think about. But I did surprisingly well last night without it. I assume the fact that I got by so well on only 800 calories probably has something to do with how many extra calories I was carrying on me from the previous few days. I wonder if I'd be doing so well at not eating without the anxiety. Anyway, today 235 feels pretty good.

yuck

Today I started my 3-Day Jump Start. Twelve weeks shortened down to 3 days. I don't know how much that has to do with how bleak and sad I feel tonight. My 3-Day thingy also involves not playing The Sims, but I can still play Farmville and futz around on Facebook, which I have done for a while now adding some pictures and I'm really done. Maybe the only reason I'm here is because I don't know if I want to face this cold, dark, lonely apartment once I"ve closed the laptop. Is this because I reduced my calories - had no coffee or soda, only water and juice? had no candy or fast food, only 800 calories (so far) of clean foods? Is it my body reacting physically to withdrawal? Is it the weather? Is it that it's cold and dark and so so alone? Is it because I'm failing so at this lighting design? The lighting design is taking so much more time than I expected, and even though I turned in a plot on Thursday, my master electrician who is very grousy all the time made me feel like it wasn't good enough, and as I'm redrafting I'm realizing that there are so many uncertainties and unknowns and questions I probably should have asked or realized I was going to need to know the answers to, and I know it's not all my fault - there needed to be way more overhead supervision on this project from the in-house regulars, instead of hiring me at the last minute, but still, I thought I would be done Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... it was due Thursday - and here I was in the theatre for 4 hours yesterday and for 4 hours today and I'm still not done with the plot??? It kills me to think of it.

Then I'm here alone, which is even more alone than usual because my roommate and her boyfriend are housesitting elsewhere. I would have thought I'd enjoy the respite from feeling like they were avoiding me, and I could just enjoy "having the house to myself" but I am not enjoying it, I feel desperately alone, like if they at least were behind that door there would be someone around. Instead it feels like there is no one anywhere in the world. I don't have any friends-- He's online right now but is not being supportive of my new project on Facebook - just making a point of how much of a nobody I am to him. Today's a rotten day for having my validity affirmed.

I'm chatting with my Mom now, hope to feel better. Need to get offline though, into the quiet quiet loneliness of this apartment under the dark cold of outer space. Maybe this is all just the result of cleaning my eating today, or the barometric pressure, or the absence of two living heartbeats, just the clicking, maybe a ticking of a clock and/or the creaking of the walls...

I just realized - I'm about to start my period, probably.

I was at 239.5 pounds this morning. So the fact that I'm wearing these size 16 jeans is a joke. Part of this jump start is really just to clean my mind as well as my eatin habits and help me get to a place where I can get back on track and find the path back to weight loss.

where I am now

I have been thinking about this blog, really. I just haven't been up to rededicating myself. Not fully. These are the reasons for my downfall:

1) Full on unhealthy addiction to Russell Stover easter candy.

2) Stressful life.

3) I have started playing the Sims 2 again, plus Farmville and City of Wonder on Facebook.

Add to that, I'm not interested, for some reason, in the meal planning at ediets. My financial situation has changed and I'm not sure how that's going to affect me. I bought a new laptop and I got health insurance and I donated until it hurt to Japan tsunami relief and I've been dining out for every meal.

I'm just starting to get to a place of pulling it back together again. I went to a lot of trouble to print up a grocery list from an ediets meal plan, but when I went to the grocery store, I just went to get "a few things" and wound up getting $137 in groceries, from fresh meat and produce to some prepared/frozen/canned/processed foods. And now I'm going to try to live on that sensibly for a while. This will be nice. I think my plan is to quit ediets and maybe subscribe to Cooking Light or something. I shouldn't abandon meal planning, but I shouldn't rely on it either. I need to be able to enter a new phase that allows me to do exotic things like make enough food for a week and live off the leftovers. Eat the food I have here. Today I had a good breakfast and a lunch that was heavier than I realized when I entered it into sparkpeople, because of the potato. And the meal was very filling - a large red boiled potato, boiled mustard greens, and about 4 ounces of some kind of steak. And 5 green olives. Didn't seem like all that much. Anyway, I expect I'll transition to Sparkpeople and if I still have trouble I might try Weight Watchers for a while just for a change, or nutritional help provided by gym or my new health insurance.

I am a lot easier on myself for "failure" than the culture of weight loss typically allows for, but I do get embarrassed when I think of the name of this blog and how it was my driving force - "For real this time." Right now I'm at 236 and no clothes look good on me. When I go to the store, nothing looks good on me. It's spring and I want to dress flirtily and nothing looks good on me, and it's not because of the clothes, it's because of the 'canvas' - my body. I hate wearing jeans because my upper belly hangs out over the waistband - I HATE IT!!! It feels bad. I try girdles, they roll up. My belly feels heavy on me when I jump or run.

And I have been concentrating on getting some exercise almost every day, again, now that things have let up. It's hard because I don't feel like moving, but the weather has been beautiful for nice walks in the park, so there has been some incentive!

So that's where things are. A tentative new start. Just looking for enough mental clarity to make a real new start of it.

And probably I should start checking in on your blogs, too, see where you are and how inspiring your progresses and hardships are.

back up to 233 - Twelve Weeks?

I feel so fat. Physically fat, and mentally like a fat person. I spill over my jeans in that uncomfortable way that I hated enough to start this thing, and those jeans are too tight for me now. Do I go buy the next highest size? No.

This is the fault of my unreadiness to refuse myself Russell stover chocolate-cream easter eggs. They have 3 flavors I like and I think I need to get myself 2 of each flavor and force the richness into my sick stomach because they taste good. And this is treating myself good?

Of course today my sick stuffed feeling is exacerbated by possible food poisoning from last night. I took a chance on some leftover shrimp, but I think it was just a little too leftover.

This is actually very much how I felt when I started this journey 2 years ago, right about at this time of year. I feel like people are ignoring me and I have no friends and the people I love are not participating in my life. This manifests itself largely on Facebook, but also in my own home. I feel like I could slip away and no one would care, most wouldn't notice. And that's kinda what I did 2 years ago. And I quit chocolate.

Only this time, quitting/reducing things like refined sugar and caffeine take on a new meaning as I wonder what all is going on inside my body, worrying about my heart or the possibility of diabetes or glandular issues.

But guess what - my Dad quit smoking again. I have played with the number 12 weeks in my head - a twelve-week program with things like no chocolate, sticking to the meal plan exactly (though for the sake of my budget I must learn to make substitutions), meeting exercise goals (I have so many I don't know where to start!)

I decided to become active again and changed my meal plan specifications from "exercise 1-3 days a week" to "exercise 3-5 days a week" and guess what - my calories jumped up to 2000-2100 and I'm eating 6 meals a day now (on the Glycemic plan). (My first thought was "ack! too many calories!"; my second was "too expensive!"; and my third was "too much food preparation!") I bought the groceries tonight but by the end of that I was too wiped and sick to think of preparing tomorrow's meals so tomorrow I will rely on restaurants again but I will make good choices. Assuming I'm well enough to go to work tomorrow.

Speaking of which, I should go to sleep.

I signed on for health insurance today. Count me in among the insured! $284 per month! If I knew I could afford that I'd have done a lot more with that money. Clearly I'm going to have to pull back my lifestyle some more or look into ways to make more money. Hopefully I can have some help paying for it from the IATSE stagehands union I work with. Which might mean I'm going to become a stagehand, a real, professional stagehand. In which case, I need some training, and I need to challenge myself more. I have picked up on some hints that some people might be thinking of me as more master electrician material, which amounts to being a crew chief and liaison with some very opinionated professionals. I used to have more gumption about my ability to stand on my own and succeed and command respect, but circumstances and time have led me to a place where I prefer to sit in the background. Anyway, if I am possibly being groomed, I want to be able to face up to meet the challenge with confidence.

So Wednesday, back on plan. Lots of exercise goals. Yesterday I exercised at the gym - I spent 37 or so unsatisfying minutes on a treadmill taking what I thought was a fit test but it didn't work and I just walked 3.4 mph on a flat surface and my heart rate never rose above fat burning but that was okay and my legs did buzz numbly a little from the walking. My ankles are becoming problematic, or have been and I keep trying to hope that that will get better as I stay active... Anyway, after the treadmill I walked through a cardio dance class on my way to what I thought would be running on the track (some sprints) but I decided to stay in the dance class. It was fun but I am not good with steps. I decided I want to be good with steps. I spent all last week working with dancers, watching them dance and I thought I'd like to work myself up to maybe taking an elementary ballet class this summer or something. I definitely want to do more classes.

So today I worked out to Dancing with the Stars Latin Dance Cardio DVD and it - meh. They said I should be burning but I wasn't, until we started squatting. I often couldn't keep up with the footwork but I have some confidence that I can learn that so it comes more naturally with repetition. Sometimes they wanted me to twist faster than I could twist - I wonder what that was about - was it because my thighs are fat or because I need more quick-twitch muscle in my abs? Either way - I hope to be working out a lot more.

have been off, trying a new start

Strayed off track. So my self-motivational talk of the past few weeks has been just that - talk. No, I'm not going to be hard on myself, I just regret that I can't have my cake and eat it too - that if I'd stuck to it I could weigh less, but I don't weigh less.

What happened was - I got busy at work and didn't have the chance to go to the grocery store. Then I got muddled in my thinking and quit Kingdoms of Camelot but started playing Farmville and City of Wonder and didn't have time to go to the grocery store or plan my meals. Lost in a haze with no room left for the mental capacity to plan ahead.

The fixes - Well, this week I am working in a different location where hopefully I'll be more able to take time for myself. The initial storm of returning to Farmville and City of Wonder has calmed and will have to calm as I devote myself more to this week's work, so I will plant crops that take over a day to come to fruition and leave Farmville for a while. And I must exercise, and I've been saying that for a while. One of the things that's been holding me up is kind of funny when you look at it from the outside - I want to itemize my exercise goals in order to start working on exercising, but I can't find my exercise planner that I started in January.

I have enjoyed Russell Stover easter candy but I didn't like it as much as I wanted to. I have enjoyed KFC Original Recipe but I didn't like it as much as I wanted to. I have been eating in restaurants and candy and overall have been left feeling a bit sludgy and crying out for crisp vegetables like celery! In the mornings I'm still too full from yesterday to care a thing about breakfast.

So for those reasons I'm kind of excited to get back on the meal plan. I figure now that I tried what I was missing and didn't like it too much, I'll be more interested in my home-cooking and non-chocolate choices. But I'm also kind of underenthused about my meal plan this week - couldn't find anything I looked forward to making and eating. Because of my busy schedule, I'm eating Lean Cuisines for a lot of lunches - and I typically prefer to avoid frozen dinners because they are unfulfilling.

I did purchase (with my tons of $$) a Cooking Light and an Eating Healthy (?) magazine. All-in-all I've come to see health & fitness magazines as unproductive and confusing. The cover titles lure you in with "Fabulous ab moves to firm that tummy!" but inside it's just more of the same that you already knew. But anyway, I thought maybe I'd just copy some recipes into my new meal plan book.

I think that's pretty much it on the diet front. I won't touch on all the rest of the crap I *could* write about the last few weeks. Except to say - :-/

Yay 12 pounds down now

Yay I stood on the scale today and at first it wanted to stop at 225 and that excited me. Then, it worked it was back up to 226, 227. I'm going with 227 because that is still a loss. If I go with 225 I stand a chance of being disappointed again tomorrow.

Yesterday I worked two load-outs, about 5 hours each. My body is sore, especially my legs. I had time before the first one for breakfast, and time between the first and second ones for lunch and snack. By the time I got home from the last one at 3:30 a.m., I was tired and - having already partially prepared dinner and knowing I was going to sleep soon anyway and could go to sleep without eating anything but ought to eat at least some of the dinner I'm prescribed - well I had a tidge of fish and a boiled potato (which was supposed to have been 4-5 ounces of fish and a yogurt-potato salad.) So maybe that's what explains my loss today. Or maybe it's been happening under my water retention all along.

OH! My roommate brought home some cheesecake last night and offered me a piece. I accepted the offer (after initially balking "WHAT? NO!!") but I haven't had it yet.

Cheesecake? Really?

Anyway, day off today. Gotta get a new meal plan and head to the grocery store. Gonna soak my aching muscles and dry, dirty skin in a bath, then we'll just see about some exercise. Some yoga would feel great, but I have to time it so I have an empty stomach.

12 pounds down. 28 long arduous pounds to go to get to 199. 47 to 180.

moving along

Sooo. Can't remember when I last blogged - a few days ago - but I can see when I last updated my ticker was 6 days ago and it doesn't register the bump up I had to back over 230 calories. Honestly, I can hardly remember what it was. Long days, or leaving the house and forgetting my snack, lead to being left on my own and my free-spirited urges. Oh, yeah, I remember last Wednesday - a long full day and several sweets. 1st a plate of some kind of rich, sweet, buttery chocolatey concoction was placed before me and I resisted for a while, then had one piece, which turned into 3. Then after lunch I went and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie off the tray simply because the opportunity was there (oo, they weren't there for me! basically I was engaging in 'getting away with it' against the foe, authority, and winning a free cookie, but kicking myself in the ass in the process. besides, the cookie sucked.) And the day went on, oh yes, much later I went into a convenience store and they had Cadbury creme eggs on display and I "allowed" myself 2, and a bar of Belgian chocolate. So, the scale went up.

And I think that some time, maybe the next day, there was a Big Mac sandwich. I don't remember the circumstances, I think it was in lieu of the scheduled dinner.

And, as you do, I got back on track on the days I wasn't as busy, and lost weight again, but it's going slow and tentatively like this.

I also haven't been exercising and realize this sucks when I realize how much I don't want to. That's not going to be a good enough excuse next week, though. Although, I have to say, at this point I don't know whether I'll be working next week or not. If a call comes in, I will take it! Otherwise, there will be some regular exercise going on.

So, I'm back on track, except that I'm drinking. And that's working ok for me, as far as I can tell. Until I notice it's a problem for my diet, I will continue to allow myself the wine and liquor. (As a substance, I'm really kind of getting concerned about whether I do have a caffiene issue.) But, like last night, I went to the theatre, I had two full glasses of wine over the course of the evening. And after the play, I wanted to go somewhere and cut loose. Part of me wanted to go to some late-night diner or club for some food, drink, dancing, flashing lights, loud music. These things all go together for me, and these feelings of restlessness can be exacerbated by the cycle, or by life circumstances, or by having 2 full glasses of wine when you're on a diet and so more susceptible to the effects of alcohol (especially the romantic whirl of wine!)

I guess I'm saying... All the time I see people posting that they are fat because they have emotional issues, they eat to self-medicate, food replaces friendships, etc etc etc... I try to see that in myself, that this fat is symptomatic of inner suffering - and I can't. I think I like food. I think it tastes good, feels good going down, and that sometimes those two things are worth more good than the feeling of being stuffed or sick afterward is bad. I think I can get biochemically attached to sugar. I think when I was a kid, in my family, the concept of filling your plate and stuffing yourself at the dinner meal was celebrated. Yes, I did and do have suffering, emotional pain, emotional immaturity - I do and I recognize this and I recognize that sometimes it results in poor behavior choices including poor food choices. But I don't think they are the source for me. I think for me it's going to be about behavior modification, relearning, reading my own biology - crap like that. When I think about my binges, it could be that my emotions, positive OR negative, could be a factor in my "oh fuck it" attitude toward whether or not to eat what I should know that I shouldn't eat, but hope I can just get away with it anyway or just for the moment don't care about whether it makes me fat (god knows at the time that I eat, it's like I've forgotten that food makes you fat, and all I can actually think about is that food tastes and feels good.) It's not to say that for other people it's NOT emotional problems that are causing them to be fat - clearly I can't know that about them. It's just that so many people say that it is for them, that I almost feel like I must be in denial because I'm denying this problem for myself. But if I'm going to be honest, I just don't think that's what it is for me, and if that's the case for me, then maybe it is for other people, too. Maybe for some people it's "learning to forgive yourself and others" or some other similar emotional problem, and then for others of us it's "just a cigar", just a physiological cigar.

title?

Ugh. My friend

popcorn

The scale read a pound higher yesterday and today I'm over 230. I was feeling quite put out until I remembered that small popcorn I got at the movie theatre. I was a good girl and didn't add butter, but it was marvelously salted and surely more calories than the cottage cheese and pineapple I had planned to have as a snack.

Not sure how today's going to go, either. I have a long full day and I am set with breakfast, lunch, and snack, but I don't know what's going on after 5:00. Supposedly I get out of work about 5:00. Then I should have time to make dinner before 6:30 which I can pack, then I have a show at 7:30 (after the show there will be free food provided that I will be obliged to watch everyone else enjoy) and then hopefully I don't have to go back to work tonight for a load-out because fatigue and extra hours of wakefulness will suck and not just because of the diet.

I have a bad attitude about having to go in to work today, but I'm looking forward to getting that check!

229

Oh! Up another pound for today. Haha. Well, I was getting quite used to losing a pound a day. No worries. It's just my body's way of resetting for this next set.

Hope all's well.

another good scale reading today

Hey, the scale said 228 today. Another pound lost, just like that. Who am I to argue? Judging from my activity yesterday, the secret to weight loss is sitting on the couch from sunup to sundown. Definitely seemed like a wasted day, especially considering the weather, and having the roommate out of town (which never happens).

Sure makes my ticker and weight loss graph look a little better.

Anyway, I won't take up more of your time. I keep waiting for this to get hard, but so far, staying to the meal plan has been real easy this week. If it gets difficult this week, maybe I will do more "convenience plan" stuff.

Feb 12, 229

It was 9 days ago that I dipped oh-so-briefly under 230 at 229.6, before I got swept away in a tidal wave! It was 5 days ago that I got back in the saddle and set about to lose the weight I'd gained. So that's done, and (for this new 2011 effort) reached a new low and I am 10 pounds down after a month. Ok, I admit it, I'm not *thrilled*. I've achieved 229 before. September 26 2009 is when I first reached 229. That's like a year and a half ago. It can't believe how long it's been, and how long I muddled about non-committally. Not that I'm angry at myself about it, it's just hard to believe it's been that long. I've been off and inconsistent since last April. And 229 seems high to me. I'm sure there will more excitement as I start fitting into my 16s and looking better in my XLs as spring comes in. Getting into the teens I'll start to feel righter. The day I get under 200 pounds will be a big day! I remember it felt like I had to push for a long time to get down from 207 or so down to 201, so I feel a little pessimistic about that. At any rate, today I can say I'm still losing weight, still sticking to the diet day after day, and it hasn't been difficult, thanks to the "convenience" plan with frozen meals and grab-and-go soup with ecologically undesirable packaging. Next week I will spend more time in the kitchen.

Now what I need to do is get back in the exercise thing. It's easy enough to make time to do it when you have the day off! Today I'm feeling sluggish and lethargic, but for the past two days my energy has felt good.

230

230 again today. Not much to say. My "In the 220s now" post is postponed a bit. Can't lose weight every day. Still on the plan. No exercise yesterday, but I did some walking around and even some running, despite agony in my heel. Gotta go.

230 - waist blues again

Ok I am reporting a weight of 230 and unless some kind of plateau occurs, can expect to get into the 220s within a couple of days.

Not much to report - stuck to the diet again yesterday - still no exercise. I was busy but now it's gettin to be too long since I've exercised. Today's another day that I will find it hard to fit it in, not to mention being totally uninspired. Maybe I'll just go do an uninspiring stint on an elliptical trainer. My heels are still on fire, especially my left heel, which was burning even as I slept in bed last night. Right heel is feeling okay right now. So anyway, walking or no, I can't be sure.

Yesterday I did a little online window shopping for corsets. Not only would I like to have one now for shaping me under my clothes now, but I have also considered that I'd like to have one after some belly has gone to keep the fat from growing back in the belly. I feel like the way my belly got shaped this way is from wearing the jeans I wore and spilling out over the waistband. Meh. Anyway, I feel like I'd definitely need steel boning, as my belly can easily mangle the plastic boning. And the steel-boned ones are expensive, meaning I'd need to get a good one. And they say to choose a size from your waist measurement, but I'm so baffled as to how to tell my waist measurement.

Anyway, things are going well enough this week. Yesterday at work Chip brought in doughnuts but I didn't have one. I reserved my cheat for a glass of wine but I didn't have that either - really didn't feel like it. Besides, a sugar-fat delectable treat like doughnuts would have seriously damaged my solidarity. I guess I should be a little surprised at how easy it was to resist them.

231

I kept getting up last night to pee, which I never do. (I remember one time in particular, it was very strange because as I walked to the bathroom, and back from it, I felt like I was swooping all over the place, kinda like I was falling down drunk. I made it without injury however, but it was very strange to me.) Anyway, I figured it was good stuff and that I was getting rid of my water weight.

Not much to report. So far staying on-plan without hardship. Yesterday's cheat was 2 glasses of wine. Fun fun wine. I didn't exercise, and I might not exercise again today either. On the note of exercise, my heels were like fire with every step all day yesterday. I keep taking ibuprofen and hoping it will get better soon! I'm sure it will. In spring there will be hiking.

I watched the new episode of Heavy. I really wondered if the both of them would make it through to the end. They both did, with great results. Did I hear they do 4-5 hours a day of working out? Hahaha!

I haven't heard from my friend. I suppose maybe I was too pushy, but I wanted to be. I think he needs some pushing. But I know that in my life, when people tried to push me, I became immediately resentful and defensive. It's hard to know when to impose yourself beyond someone else's comfort level. I have another loved one who has a terrible relationship with alcohol that does him no good at all. I just hate to see my friend suffer, and I know he deserves a life that is better than his body currently allows, and I want to help him get there. And I feel like now is the ideal time for him to do something about it - while he has all the time in the world! To the point that I feel like it's absolutely necessary that he get started on it right away! We don't live in the same town, so I don't know what else to do besides give encouragement. I hope his momentum is still going. God knows I'm no expert, but I just wish I could be there to help him defeat his defeatism.

So, Joey, if you are still reading, I'm sticking to my meal plan and I'm going to get below 230 permanently within the week. With your consistent participation and encouragement, I might even reach my ultimate weight and fitness goals.

233.5

I hoped to be up and at 'em earlier, but I just don't have the push and shove in me, even though it's a beautiful crisp-looking day out (I've been blaming the cold rainy cloudy days and the barometric pressure).

Good news is that I lost a pound since yesterday - down to 233.5 - and that I made it to the grocery store (which was pretty much all that I succeeded in doing before time for rehearsal!) *Unfortunately* groceries were not dirt cheap - I think I was at about $140-150 again. I suppose that I'm not buying the absolute most dirt cheap of everything - especially when I choose organic.

This week my meals are real easy, which is good. And land-animal free. Grab a single-serving of soup and a pear and a piece of bread and some nuts and that's lunch. (Also supposed to have soy milk, but it doesn't travel well!) Dinner is mostly frozen meals. Breakfast was frozen waffles and ricotta and walnuts and milk and fruit cocktail. Now I am no big fan of fruit cocktail as compared to fresh fruit, or the gelatinousness of Healthy Choice soup when compared to my homemade stuffs, and frozen dinner, even if they are Amy's Palak Paneer. But this week I just need it to be ridiculously easy. Next week I'll get back to it. As far as I'm concerned, this is Day 2 of a 6-week stint of high focus on weight loss and exercise.

That said, I don't think I'll be getting the exercise in today. Sad but true. I have to work.

I also feel so drowsy. I was just telling my roommate - I'm starting to worry about myself. Is this just natural aging, or SAD, or major depression? It's not that I feel sad or hopeless, just - no energy and not much enthusiasm. It's been a crummy winter, emotionally, and I have been hoping that when spring comes, I can forget everything I learned to feel this winter and go back to my earlier innocence.

New episode of Heavy at aetv.com today. Can't wait to watch it.

234.5

Okay, there's the official post-blip weigh-in. Pretty much what I expected.And isn't that an exciting weight graph. :-) Oh well, give it a couple of days. In only 3-ish weeks, already lost track twice. I slept in today. Gonna make the french toast with berries and walnuts and coffee for breakfast, then head to the grocery store. Even though I feel like I should go to the theatre and do something, I might as well wait until after I've seen tonight's rehearsal and make decisions from that. So that gives me the afternoon to get this stuff done for my meal plan, which has to take some degree of precedence right now.

Feb 7 2011

It's a nighttime post. I need to go to sleep. Kinda don't want to. Kinda don't want today to be past.

On the other hand, I feel all the more inspired that I need to lose more pounds, get back on it like I was last week, doing so well. Which means that first thing tomorrow I need to print my grocery list and go to the grocery store. And that I also need to fit in some exercise, I'm thinking the 20 minute interval cardio.

It's been a very busy and emotionally engaging week for me, and I struggled with the weather dragging on me. For better or worse, the past week is over, one of the most special aspects of my life on hold again too soon, and I have to turn my focus to another job, and my health and weight loss program.

Tomorrow's weigh-in should be uninspiring. How exciting to lose the same 5 pounds over again. :-) le sigh

work crunch

I don't have time to be a good blogger today or a good dieter right now. In addition to this being work crunch time, I am also dealing with apparently monstrous effects of a low-pressure system, which is making it hard for me to function well and be awake or other than groggy. Yesterday I simply ate what was around and available, and without taking the time to be prepared mentally to make appropriate choices, they tended to be crap, and then when the guy at work ordered pizza for everyone, I didn't resist and was glad there was some food so I didn't have to take time to go get some. I still haven't been to the grocery store. I have a meal plan, but I don't have time to attend to it right now. I stood on the scale this morning, briefly, and confirmed that weight has been put back on - probably mostly water weight of course, and will have to be taken back off next week, just as soon as things get better. Have to stop typing now.

Feb 3, 2011 229.6 Party time!

Hey, the scale had a shock for me today! As I gripped my tummy on the way to the scale, I thought I felt like I'd gained. As usual the scale gave different readings every time I stood on it, everywhere from 229 to 230.5, but usually it was under the 230 line, and I was excited to be able to say I was under 230, but intimidated to cite any unreasonable gains.

So I say 229.6 and celebrate getting into the 220s. Yesterday I did my yoga and loved it. It had been a week since the last time I did it, and I could feel a real difference since the last time, whether because I was actually stronger or just because my body was more rested. Lowering down in a reverse pushup from plank pose felt stronger in the first part, I'm trying to hold boat pose longer (pathetic!), I was much more committed to the back bending (which does freak me out a little and makes me feel like I can't push air into my torso to breathe.)

Yesterday I stayed on plan, packing all my meals for the day before leaving, but I did engage in the following cheats: when offered, a 75-calorie cookie, but it was an interesting gourmet-ish cookie, not just an Oreo, and 2 of those Ghirardelli squares. So it wasn't really a good thing, but I don't just feel awful about it either because it was relatively controlled (i.e. I wasn't eating M&Ms and Butterfingers galore) and they were "quality" treats.

I hesitate to get too celebratory about hitting the 220s because I ran out of meal plan yesterday. I'm supposed to start the new week today and, though I did finally draft out a weekly meal plan at ediets, I just don't have time to go to the grocery store, or to exercise for that matter. I might get in some kind of exercise, but I might not. Work is in crunch time right now. On the other hand, the sun is out and I bet spring is on its way soon! So I'll be coming up with some kind of eating plan for the day - I have plenty of food in the house so it should be okay - and I'm thinking of getting a 6" Subway sub with an apple from Subway - and not those processed and wrapped-in-plastic apple slices either - that makes me angry - Subway, who gets crates of fresh produce in all week, can't handle plain old apples?

So the danger exists that I will bounce back up into the 230s before I go lower. I should have gone to the grocery store sooner, I was just having a very hard time figuring out how to get a good one with my current dietary requests and looked good for my budget. I finally did manage one, but only after I'd done 3 or 4 different tries and finished last night. It's just the standard ediets meal plan - lots of good meal choices, even after excluding beef, chicken, and pork.

Not quite 10 pounds, but close! Hopefully some of my clothes are going to be looking better on me again. These last couple days have been good. It's mostly thanks to Joey - thoughts that he might read this have kept me good the past couple days.

Feb 2, 2011 230.5

230.5 That's more like it.

I ate breakfast late and dinner early last night, leaving me hungry as I stayed up later, working at the theatre. On a naughty day I might have said "Ah, screw it" and gone and had a candy bar from the lobby, but last night I was thinking of my friend. I did have 2 hard candies, though, that was my cheat. And I didn't exercise. And I don't feel like it today, either. I still want to be asleep cozy in bed. I guess I'm a little enthused though by this morning's weigh-in, and also from this week's TV episode "Heavy" which featured 2 women who each lost 100 pounds in 6 months but more than that, they lost their bellies. ::Jealous:: And the younger one ran a 5k and I was jealous there too. I guess I want to run a 5k. Presumably she trained for it, and she was young and didn't have a bad foot. Still... I think I could at least try.

So I think today for my exercise, I'm torn between taking a walk and doing yoga. I think I want to do yoga. I'm gonna do yoga. I was looking at my problematic belly and thinking if I could pull in the muscles of my upper abdominal region it could help the shape of my belly. I just don't know if exercise will draw them in. Hmm.

Feb 1, 2011 - 231.5

231.5

I will take what I can get! I kinda really hoped to weigh less today - somehow I thought it would happen. Half a pound is absolutely nothing to sneeze at, it's just that I've been kinda static for a while, as this graph will show.

Getting below 230 will be a big party. In my head. Because I can't afford the calories or the fiscal expense of a real celebration. At the mo.

So this is a big ol' shout-out to my real-life friend Joey - I won't link him without his permission - who is jumping on the old weight loss bandwagon not for the first time in his life (as we can all relate) but this time I think there are real changes and I think his support mechanism is stronger and motivated now. Hi, Joey! We love you!

Yesterday I stayed on-plan mostly out of respect for him - I now feel I have to be a good example for him and that totally sucks. I did manage to make getting to the gym a priority yesterday and did my 20 minutes, and burned 3 more calories in those 20 minutes than last time - I love that slow and constant progress.

Today I really wanted to do yoga, but these cloudy rainy low-barometric-pressure days take it all out of me and I stayed in bed this morning. It is not too late - I may do yoga later in the day, we'll just have to see, but now I have a belly full of breakfast and a bunch of mentally-focused work to do as soon as I finish this blog entry.

It's February now and time to re-evaluate my exercise goals. I tend to rely on my Pilates routine mostly to get myself back out of the dregs. It's convenient to do at home, but otherwise I'm not so sure it's as amazing for me as the yoga. So I will probably transition more to a focus on yoga (which should help with strength, too), while continuing to use my little strength program to measure improvement, and continue my BFL cardio thing too, and on top of that add in some "rounder" and "deeper" movements, like dancing, Callanetics, and bellydance. Also, for my heel, start transitioning to more walking, so I can build up to running. And as spring comes - hiking! A glimpse of springlike weather confirmed for me that I am still a lover of hiking. Now that's a lot to think about. I actually crafted out a plan on paper last night, but it will take a little more thought. I might be trying to fit in too much. Too much of the "phasing in" and "phasing out." A little more pinned down, later.

As for my other resolutions

1) work habits - I am making the effort. I could do better. I did have a couple stints of tardiness.

2) lose weight and get in shape - still at it :-)

3) get health insurance - oddly I have health insurance rather unexpectedly, but only until March 31. otoh, when I'm less busy, I think I can discover more about how to use my union work contributions to a CAPP account and apply them to my health insurance.

4) stop walking past people - stop and talk I don't know if I've actually improved at this at all, judging from my behavior this week

5) Cook in bulk - I'm not doing this now because my meal plan is set up for single meals.

6) Pay back my savings account - oh, wouldn't that be nice? I do need to spend less on food, and I spent way too much on a couple of trips to the bar and restaurant this past week. Unforgivable.

7) Finish that book - DONE! Accomplished!

8) Reduce meat intake - I went purely vegetarian for a couple weeks there, which I didn't need to do but did anyway. This week there has been more meat and less tofu. I changed my meal plan from "Glycemic Impact" to "Seasonal" and there are just not very many vegetarian meals to choose from in that plan, so I'm not sure that that meal plan, which I otherwise love, will match my meat reduction goal.

9) Buy more clothing from 2nd-hand stores... I haven't bought any clothing at all this year. I have actually considered going to get another pair of size 18 jeans to help me through this fat period but ::sigh::

10) Acquire a working collection of classical music - I have done a little research but was overwhelmed and acquired nothing. Yet. Actually I've kind of expanded this to also expanding my knowledge of contemporary music - is there anything out there, maybe local, worth paying attention to?

Ok, off to work.

Jan 31, 2011 232

I guess I should feel a little lucky about still being 232. Saturday I didn't even manage to pack my meals and went in to work without a game plan - spent a lot of money at a restaurant and in my efforts to avoid eating certain animals, may not have chosen the most dietetically superior options - eggplant parmesan with spaghetti for lunch, and a baba ganoush wrap for dinner. I did pack my meals for yesterday, but - well yesterday I substituted Easter candy for dinner. On the other hand, I didn't eat dinner. And I'm hungry now but it's been a long time and I should have breakfasted by now.

Today I have a bit of a break, though - time enough to eat a meal and go to the gym (I haven't had any exercise past couple days either, of course) and plan my meals for the next week at ediets. Today's exercise is the 20 minute interval training - on the elliptical I guess though I am tired of the elliptical and want my heel to get to a place where I can maybe do a run-walk instead.

So you can see I feel lucky to still be 232. On the other hand, my pants feel awful and I hate spilling over them in front the way that I do. I want a corset. :-S

Okay, that's how it's been going, diet-wise. Not too bad, considering how much time I had, but not too great either.

Jan 26, 2011 - 232

I stayed up last night to prepare all my meals for today, but when lunch time came around, I went off-plan. Hell with it, it was a GOOD REASON.

In other news, after breaking the rules a little yesterday, I was rewarded with finally hitting 232 this morning.

No workout today.

Jan 26, 233 still again *yawn*

Sad news. Still haven't broken below the 233 barrier. I wanted to get up at 6:30 and do yoga but it's dark and rainy out and it's my last day of freedom so I lounged in bed (heck I didn't even hear my alarm until well after 7) so here it is 9:00 and time to do yoga and I'm still not up for it. :-P Hopefully I'll like it once I get started because here goes!

Jan 25, 2011 - 233 still :-/

Not much to say. I'm 233 again today. I feel that's unreasonable and have decided that maybe there was actually some muscle build-up from yesterday's exercise. I did my Pilates this morning - groan and grumble, but I did it. Still waiting for some kind of wonderful tight, strong, graceful feeling from my core that I have never got from the Pilates but that they swear I should. In fact, today the same movements felt more difficult to me. Still, overall I am happy to feel myself growing back to regular/moderate strength and activity. Yesterday I did the BFL on elliptical + simple strength routine, and if I am gaining muscle it should be from the dips and chinups and the lunges, plus the heavy intervals of cardio probably.

Tomorrow yoga. Which I love. I should get up pretty early for it so I can have it done before my roommate comes out. I'm not embarrassed to be seen doing the funny movements and getting all red in the face, but it does make me self-conscious and more apt to lose focus on my stretching and balance etc...

Eh, I'm just babbling for the sake of babbling now - there's really nothing else to say. I think I should be 232 today - so maybe tomorrow that will be a reality.

Jan 24, 2011 - 233

Good morning. I keep getting up later and later. Didn't go to bed until 11:00 last night, and didn't want to get up until after 7:00. So it's 8 a.m. and I am wasting precious hours of my sanctuary of morning to chirrup gratefully that I'm back down to 233 after Friday's blip, which might also have been the result of some menstrual stuff. It clearly does seem to affect me.

For a moment I hoped the scale would read 232 but I guess I'll save that for tomorrow. Looking forward to getting under 230.

Not really much else to say. I had a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing yesterday when it was laid out on the break table - but I had a sensible-sized piece, in place of my scheduled snack, and when I considered going overboard, decided I really didn't necessarily want more, so that's better than Friday's doughnut extravaganza.

Today's workout is the 20-minute interval training plus a simple strength series I've started by which I hope to grow to measure some progress over time. I must tell you, I don't feel like doing it! I wish I'd had some more sleep.

On with my day.

Jan 23, 2011 - 235 pounds

Just so you know, I did stick to my plan yesterday and dropped some of that water weight from Friday. These days have mostly been great for me. I get up really early in the morning and if it's a yoga or Pilates day, I do the yoga or Pilates quietly in the living room before dawn, usually. Then I make coffee and breakfast and then sit down on the sofa and plan my day in the Franklin-Covey way. I have identified the following categories of things on my to-do list - Diet Program, Work, Household/Living Maintenance, Self/Study, and Personal Grooming. It makes me feel so organized. It has taken a lot of effort and time actually to make it through the to-do list and I really still feel like there's so far I haven't gotten. But I have made some progress in my reading, which is important, and I've stuck to my diet, which is important, and I've gotten on top of my bills and financial situation, but I still want to buy this $300 reclining chair from Value City anyway. I have acquired some items that make me happy in the past month or so, and if I got that chair, I could just about realize my dream of making this purple office/room more of the study I've always wanted to make it, where I could read, work, draft, paint, peruse the internet, or just gaze out the window.

Anyway, then I go to bed early, usually. I'm trying to keep that up so that this week's 8 a.m. workcalls won't hurt me like they usually do. I need to stay on top of my time to make it through the next 2 weeks.



Here is the Pilates book that shapes the program I do. I don't necessarily recommend it because I don't know whether you'd be able to understand the movements. I don't have any trouble, but I don't know whether that's because I had some exposure to many of the movements from earlier exercise videos. I'm still not sure I do it the way the author recommends - she recommends against pushing yourself to perform bigger movements or trying to 'feel a burn' - that's not as important as maintaining proper form to *slowly* progress. After only 3 or 4 sessions, though I feel some struggle while doing some of the moves, I no longer really feel anything after I'm done, and it makes me feel like I'm not getting anything out of it, but her directions say not to feel that way. Still, I went ahead and added some new reps and new moves to my sequence - which I hated doing because I already feel like it's going to take forever to get through (although it's actually pretty brief).

Jan 22, 2011 - 237 - back up

Yesterday I went all kinds of off-plan, doughnuts forever, footlong steak-and-cheese from Subway with 2 cookies for lunch, and then for dinner went to a Mexican restaurant and got - well, Mexican food. A huge plate, which to my credit, I only ate half of, and also had 2 margaritas.

The reason for this is pretty easy to identify. I was unprepared and caught off-guard by my unexpected work schedule for the day. At the end of the day, feeling stressed, I wanted a margarita and comfort food. I already felt like the day was a diet washout, and yes, I know the illogic in that thinking.

So this morning I'm 237 instead of the 233 I was.

I figure that most of that excess will come off soon, but I do want to be able to go more than a week without having a fall off. It is going to be harder to stick to my plan today when I remember being off it yesterday. The Cadbury creme eggs I have hoarded in a sugar bowl for the day I allow myself to have some - need to still be there by the end of the day!!!

I did feel better when it was all done. I felt fiiiiiiine.

But it explains things like why it's ok for me to go off-plan when I've made prior arrangements, and not when external circumstances throw me off. If I have it in mind that I will eat the cheese-and-tomato sandwich for lunch today, but my tomato is moldy, then I run the risk of losing my footing. Especially now in the beginning when I'm trying to relearn how much is the right amount of the which kinds of food to eat. It explains why I'm hesitant to go to lunch or dinner with you without already knowing what's on the menu and what I shall eat that will fit into my plan. It explains why the diet has to come first so often, which is not always desirable for life.

As I was doing my yoga this morning (I was able to do more this morning, and made it 40 minutes through before they lost me) I was realizing again what a great workout it is and how much I enjoy increasing my body function through those poses. I felt a moment's guilt about not doing a 700-calorie workout and having to lose more weight and get down to 180, and then realized that, even now as I struggle against the boundary of 240 pounds on the home scale, I've still already won because I'm no longer 285 pounds. I can afford to do the fine-tuning workout I want because, while I'd like to lose more weight, I am right now what I'd call on the high end of still being a slenderer me. I am still pushing the envelope (where did that expression come from? what does it mean?) in yoga and the BFL interval cardio, and feeling myself out in the Pilates and strength training. So it's good for now.

When I do advance to another exercise plan, probably in mid-Feb, I am sure the yoga will play a much larger role, and in spring more hiking and walking and maybe running. My heel does still act up, but I am sure it's getting better as I become more active again.

I also remembered Callanetics. I have the Callanetics video from the 80s, that I tried to do once, but it was (a) very difficult and (b) not what I was looking for at the time (I was looking for more of a calorie-burn, high-energy cardio thing probably) so I quickly abandoned it. I might just pull it out again, because it might be perfect for helping me to find those other muscle fibers I'm looking for, for improved toning, movement, and muscle motivation.

Jan 21 - pretty much a wash

Well, today I didn't want to get out of bed - felt too snug and sleepy in my bed, so I got up too late to do more than about 20 minutes of yoga, which was disappointing, I wanted to do more. Then off to work, hoping it was just a half day, but it turns out it's a full day. Once I found out I wasn't getting cut at lunchtime, I began to feel a certain uncertainty about how long I was staying and when break was called there were doughnuts and I ate - because I didn't know what my access to food was going to be like throughout the day. I could have packed last night, if I'd known. Oh well. I didn't just have 1 doughnut either, I went all out like they were going out of style. My schedule should be my own after this and I'll get back on track. Right now I've got to get lunch and get back to work. Hi ho.

Jan 20, 2011 weigh-in

Well here I am this morning - weigh-in day at ediets, and I'm waiting to see if I can weigh a little less when I get on the scale. I got on the scale right after I woke up and wasn't satisfied with my result. There is one main reason to want to weigh less - to show progress - on the charts, in my head. But there are 2 reasons not to - 1) because the less I weigh this weigh-in, the harder it will be to weigh 2 pounds less next weigh-in and that will be discouraging and 2) just that it doesn't matter too much what my weight is right now, a half pound here or there, I'm really just trying to learn to stick to the plan over the long haul. And I don't want to be waiting here in bed all morning, I'd like to get up and get some stuff done. I've been barely making it through my to-do list this week while I've been unemployed. BARELY. So I'm just going to go now and see what my weight is.

233.

*big grin*

I knew that I'd wish I'd done measurements last week so I could see real results there.

Mmmmmmmmmotivated!

Today's diet-related goals - (1)stick to the eating plan (2) 20-minutes BFL-style interval on the elliptical, and do my simple strength program and (3) create next week's meal plan, print it out, and go to the grocery store.

Also email my brother - we were going to be workout motivation buddies. I have been doing my exercise as I've wanted - it's been easy enough because I'm not working and Pilates and yoga I can do here at home in the morning before I do anything else (since I've been waking up so so early) and the gym workout is only 20 minutes and though it's hard, it's brief, it's easy to live through! It's very empowering, if you have a fear of your physical limits to push at the very peak of your limits for just 1 minute, and live through it, and feel better when it's done, and watch your peak performance get better over a short and a long period of time. The Body For Life program.

Jan 19, 2011 - 234.5 - unreasonable!

Today I'm 234.5? Unreasonable! Pshhh. I was too good yesterday. Chalk it up to random circumstance, just one of those things, possibly muscle growth blah blah. I will say that 4 hours after my interval workout on the elliptical, I was walking out of the grocery store and felt *vigor* in my hamstrings absolutely powering me back to my car. That's the vigor I've been looking for.

So anyway. :-P to the scale today. Up for Pilates now. I have a whole day again in which to do nothing but be a very good girl.

My exercise plan for January

First, let me get this out of the way. I am hungry.

I see I should have had lunch by now, and I have to run out and get a red bell pepper for lunch. I must have decided it was too expensive, when I was at the grocery store, but now I can't imagine eating this broccoli stir fry without the brilliant and delicious red peppers.

Moving on.

I delineated the goals of my exercise plan this morning. My exercise goals at the mo are not to burn the most calories. If they were, I would get on the elliptical for 45 minutes. Instead my goals have more to do with getting my body back into good FUNCTION.

(1) I want to firm up my abs, obliques, back muscles and various core muscles.

(2) I want to wake up my entire body, all different kinds of muscles, moving in all different kinds of ways. Increasing flexibility and strength and tone and grace and functionality and mind-body connection.

(3) I want to improve my general muscular vigor. I'm sluggish now. I want to improve my readiness to move vigorously.

As for #3, that is why I have made the Body-For-Life 20-minute interval cardio workout a priority.

As for #1 & #2, that's why I'm focusing on Pilates. Also I did some yoga yesterday and although it was pathetic comparatively, I was reminded of how excellent it can be when I can do it well - how strong, flexible, graceful, and warm I feel after a yoga workout - and how proud to be able to succeed at some of those difficult poses. In addition to Pilates and yoga, bellydancing and just dancing in general would be good for these goals.

So that's what I'm doing for now, and I will re-evaluate later, probably in February when I'm not so slammed as I will be when the month changes over. (I will almost certainly fail to get the exercise in during that time anyway!)

fat bellydance

234 again today. Well, I can't just keep losing a pound a day as nice as that sounds. Even then it would take me 2 months to reach my goal. I'm looking at probably over a year. I just can't wait to get back down to size 16 and lose a little bit more.

I watched The Secret of the Grain. There was this beautiful young actress in it, and at the end of the movie she very unexpectedly came in and did a long belly dance. It was surprising to me because she had quite a large belly. I am not opposed to poochy bellies on women but I kept thinking hers was unattractive. The camera was, of course, often focused on it. Still, despite my open-mindedness about the size of beauty, I know that most young American men would not be used to seeing a fat-bellied bellydancer and would have all kinds of insults to throw about it on the internet. (The movie was not made in America, it was a French-language film about Arab immigrants in France.)

Anyway, I've done a moderate amount of internet research on fat bellydancers and have found a lot more positive than negative (probably because the videos are labeled "fat bellydancer" or "BBW bellydancer"). I saw one where the woman was labelled BBW but I would say she was just pretty chubby - the videotaper really liked her belly, he kept zooming in on her belly even though there were multiple dancers.

All this bellydance video has me aware that for some reason for me my swishing my hips back and forth has become very rigid and inflexible, which I consider odd for me - I used to feel so hippy like a water person, I liked being a water person, but now I feel more and more like an Earth person. Plus the control they have over that section of their body, whereas for me this is a section of my body I largely overlook. I am sure regular study with bellydance would behoove me. I have the DVD when I wanted to try it before but as I think I told you - it was HARD.

Anyway. Another day down. Closing in on a week down, should get ahead of the game and plan my next week's meals. Today's workout is the 20 minutes BFL system on the elliptical. Also to at least decide how to incorporate strength training into my plan. Yesterday I did yoga which was great despite all the falling back I've done - lost energy trying to hold dog pose, lost thigh strength trying to hold a lunge. I definitely love that yoga vid - when I do it well, when I am done with it, I feel so fit, strong, flexible, and in connection with my body.

January 17, 2011 - 234

Down another pound today. This is good news to me, it means I'm 5 down from my start a few days ago and inspired to go it another day. I want to start a fresh new ticker since all the ones I have are sort of out of date anyway.

Exercise yesterday was the Pilates. Stuck to the diet, more or less - made some substitutions at lunch off-handedly - without consulting a substitutions list - how well does raisin bread substitute for 1/3 cup of rice? Some leftover canned pineapple for the honeydew melon. And then later an unscheduled orange, and skipped (forgot because was too sleepy) the simple salad with my dinner. So - more or less.

Also went out with my family after a concert. I was hungry but waiting for my dinner which was at home. I allowed myself a glass of wine, socially, which actually made me a very little bit tipsy for 10 seconds on such an empty stomach I guess.

My brother and I are going to encourage each other to keep exercising. I don't know if the gym closes or has a half day for MLK Day - but since MLK day was actually Saturday maybe that's not even relevant. I'm thinking of doing yoga anyway. Should do it now. I am feeling so hungry this morning!

By the way, I was thinking of going to the beach or something this week, but then realized that adhering to the meal plan sort of precludes that. I could try to go and "be a good girl" but if I leave the decisions about when and what to eat to my inspiration - I'm undependable. I don't know when I've had enough, I feel freer to treat myself when I'm on a trip. That's going to always be a burden for me to have to deal with probably. I like food, I like all different kinds of food, and my system can handle it.

Ok - yoga.

Sunday, Jan 16, 2011 - 235 pounds

Ok good, some weight has come off already.

WARNING - the rest of this blog entry is some rambling.

Over the past oh two weeks I guess I have felt my upper waist bulging out into my arms. That's what made it feel all the more drastic. I can also tell you that, of late, my complexion has been for the dogs and I feel like my face is ugly when it smiles again. My Dad offered again yesterday to get the fat sucked out my belly and I responded negatively to manage his enthusiasm for it but I don't actually feel that negatively about it, really. Losing weight is one thing, but the ratio of fat in different places on my body is another and this belly is the bain of my existence.

Ok, my speech is very grim, I don't mean it to be all that grim.

Yesterday I tried to stay on plan, but I did guesstimate a breakfast, and I also found a ghirardelli raspberry chocolate square on my bed, and that was so wack that I knew it was a sign from Odin that I was supposed to eat it. After that I experienced many temptations throughout the day as I was out and about and not getting home. I went to the gym and did my 20-minute interval training on the elliptical and felt my muscles working in new and interesting ways so hopefully that will come out well. Then I went to grab some socks and underwear and an avocado since the one I bought the other day was unripe and it wasn't ready for me to eat for breakfast. I never had a problem before with avocados from the store being unripe, and so I don't know how long to wait for them to ripen. The avocados at Compare Foods were also all unripe. What's with the unripe avocados.

While at the shopping center I also spent money on a little spending binge. - At Infinity's End (our local pot-smokers, rock-n-roll t-shirts, dragons, piercings, posters shop) I got a green amber ring, which is something I've been wanting for a long long time, and a neat wall-hanging face, and a poster of the Tournee du Chat Noir which I thought might be fun to put up somewhere in this house, though it ought to be framed. So that was $60, and I wanted more but had to stop myself! Then over to Roses for the underwear and socks, but I also bought some satin sheets there - I've never had a satin sheet set and it might be nice and the trim on these was pretty so I just did it on impulse.

I mention the spending spree because maybe indulging there might have sated my indulgence cravings so I was able to hold out a little better as I stood in line at the store staring at the display of archway cookies while very hungry and thinking that the only reason I wasn't eating them was that they were $3 and not because it would kill my dieting efforts. I wasn't thinking about my belly or whether or not I fit into my jeans, but I did think to myself - "You're not eating this these days and besides, you have food waiting for you at home."

So anyway, I made it past many temptations yesterday.

Today, sticking to the plan again, and also doing Pilates again. Pilates is the base limit of what I need to do today, but if I decide to, and if Actually doing the Pilates right now before breakfast. Breakfast today is oat bran cooked with apples and walnuts (and protein powder and vanilla and cinnamon) YUM and I will have some coffee with soymilk YUM.

You know, my roommate's boyfriend has been on Atkins for a long time now. He's lost a lot of weight and it seems a pretty restrictive diet but he's stuck to it, mostly. Considering all the different eating styles we have in this house now, the fridge is really pretty packed.

Ok, enough procrastinating. I am starving, and I have to do Pilates and some other stuff today!