July 3, 301.4

 I went through it until I broke.  I BROKE off the diet.  The first night I just decided to get Indian food after rehearsal, and a glass of wine, which made me loopy.  Heading home I decided I wanted hot fudge cake and thought I saw that Denny's served one, so I went to the nearest Denny's.  They didn't have one so I got a salted caramel brownie cookie skillet thing.  It was good, but it wasn't a hot fudge cake.  Oh well.  I've been SO tired.  I go home and pass out, then wake up after midnight.  The next day after Indian food, I had breakfast and lunch properly but on the way home I was BROKEN from the pileup of weeks of the lighting design.  It shouldn't be so on paper, no, but there you have it.  I just decided I needed some fast food and the fast food that came up was McDonald's, and I got a Big Mac, large fries and I ordered a 20-piece of chicken nuggets which I tried to force down despite they forgot the sweet and sour sauce but I did eventually have to stop.  Since then I've just been eating Mom and Dad's leftovers which has included a hamburger and rice dish and Oreos with milk.  And I have felt intestinally shitty.  Either because of the McDonald's or the hamburder-rice meal or both, sitting in my intestines like a lump.  But I think I have an intestinal problem anyway.  I don't think I poop well, and I want to have that looked at.

So I don't think I deserve to weigh that 301.4 above and don't know why it's giving me that number.

Anyway, back to work today, for two days, and then I am not sure what I have coming up next, but I need to get back on track and get some exercise.  I've even returned to the Finch app, which I haven't used in a month.

June 27, 302.8

 This lighting design has me in up to my ears.  It is definitely difficult to keep up with the food plan when so busy, or keep to schedule when I'm up at all hours with little time for food prep.  I slept for 4 hours this evening and woke around 11:30.  Before falling asleep yesterday evening on the way home I yielded all the way to a big cheat and stopped at McAlister's and got a roast beef club sandwich and chips and two dessert bars which were wonderful but too much to force down, but I did anyway.  So I slept on a heavy stomach full of food and awoke feeling too full.  When this lighting design is over I'll keep losing weight.  A weekly cheat day was scheduled anyway, but I'm not sure how I'll manage tomorrow either, although it is probably better for me to pack tomorrow's meals than try to buy food in the neighborhood at lunch and dinner time.  I just can't wait to get back to the momentum I had before the family reunion.  Additional problems anticipated - trying to stick to healthy eating while on a long camping trip.  And the need to accommodate the garden's output even if it's not on my food schedule.  The garden's been putting out a ton of squash and zucchini, but not so much tomatoes and cucumbers, and recently came out with green beans.  Had to eat the green beans, which were great and weren't ever going to make me fat, and I have even found meals that specifically ask for zucchini.  But buying all the tomatoes at the store is pricey, and the fruit too.  It would be great if the garden helped us to cover that.

In my household, my mother and father cook for dad to gain weight, so managing my own food hasn't been a problem except that the fridge stays pretty full after I have been to the grocery store.

June 23, 299.7

 I haven't blogged this week because I have been re-losing weight already ostensibly lost after last week's family reunion.  I have been "working at home" but full of so much procrastination anxiety.  Today I'm determined to finish (but I was yesterday and the day before that too).  Anyway I have been weighing myself and raising my eyes about the scale and the challenge of getting a legitimate or a reportable or a dependable number to claim as my weight of the day.  I have no unnecessary sense of compunction to get it absolutely right all the time.  I am sure if I am losing weight the scale will eventually show a definitive weight loss.  Today I had a range that is significantly less than the range I was working with at the beginning of this diet.

And the number I report is 299.7.  The first time I stood on the scale I weighed more than I did yesterday which was very demoralizing but then I remembered I get to try again!  I stand on the scale which is cramped up near the wall and towel rod and next to the kitty litter box, and I hold my belly back so I can look down and read the number.  If my weight is forward on my feet, I weigh more.  If I'm leaning back a little bit, I weigh less.  And I generally wobble back and forth until my scale either picks something or gives up.

299.7!  Nice to feel ok choosing a number under 300 again.  I'm back under 300, possibly!  I don't remember the actual number I chose so you get a 299.7.

I am still dieting.  Since I'm definitely finishing my work tonight (definitely, definitely) I should have time this weekend to relax and go back to the grocery store for next week, maybe even prepare some meals in advance.  This week, rather than work getting in the way of the diet, the diet has got in the way of work, as every time I hope I might be able to get some focus built up, I have to go make a meal.  Which I then eat, often in front of the TV for an hour.  

But I have to finish tonight, so maybe I'd better sign off.

June 20, 304.4?

 I either weighed less, the same, or more than yesterday.  I'm having intestinal issues, I think.  Last night very strong pain in my right abdomen.  It reduced by this morning but it's still there, and has been I think, if you press hard enough.  Another reason to want to reduce abdominal fat - easier to treat this.  And been wanting a colonoscopy, to see if I have any twists, hernias, or blockages.  I'm hoping after a couple of days back on the diet I'll get more regular and clear out.

I'm so mentally overwhelmed about my design, it's hard to focus on getting groceries for tomorrow.  But I think I should, I am running out.  I might have them delivered again, but I'm not sure if that really saves me much effort or time.

June 19, 304.4

 After a family reunion weekend, something like 3 days off the diet, today I claim 304.4 as my weight though it would have been worse and it could have been better.  My challenge then is to not just get back on it but stick back to it as I get through this next week where I continue to carry the stress of having to get this lighting design done.  If I can just FINISH going through the script and get the plot drafted I'll feel so much better.  I'm going to try to finish the script and get a rough draft of the plot planned out TODAY.  Then it's just meeting with the director to iron out the cues, and finalizing the plot and paperwork.  Anyway, none of that is interesting to you, except to know, it's a major distraction.  And to worry about getting it done before any more production meetings - trying to mentally hold off any business emails today.  Tomorrow or the next day I will have to meal plan and go grocery shopping again.

June 15 297.1!

297.1!  Yeah that really happened!  I ate almost all my food yesterday.  Woke up extremely early due to anxiety.  Weighed myself multiple times this morning.  Not only am I below 300 pounds, I am way below 300 pounds.  My scale is all I have to go by and if the exact numbers aren't correct there's no denying that there has been real weight loss, in the vicinity of 27 pounds lost in 6 weeks.  If the weight loss has seemed too fast lately, this is my last day on the plan before I go to a weekend family reunion at the beach.  I don't expect to run off the rails but we'll see how I do on my own for 3 days.  I haven't eaten candies and sweets - well, a couple cheats, that chocolate covered rice krispie bar last week, a week before that 2 cookies at Subway... but you get the idea - once every week or two instead of 1or 2 a day.  My tolerance for the sugar is at a low now, but experience tells me I can build it back up over a short period of time.  I do still crave them, when I think of it.  Maybe it will be good for me to take 3 days off the diet.

I am not motivated very well by others' pride and support, more embarrassed and annoyed.  But I just want to cry out and luxuriate in the celebration of being under 300 pounds!  I hate being weighed down by the requirement of work.

I was just shown pictures from Google photos of my 2022 retrospective which included many selfies checking out my glasses and looking pretty ugly with all my chin and cheek fat.  I look forward to looking better some day?

Well I can't think of anything else to say, at much as I want to keep partying and keep losing even more weight.  What would my next goal be?  Surely 50 pounds down is a long way away.  That would be 273.  That's my next meaningful goal I guess and would probably take at least six weeks if it comes off almost as fast as it did this first six weeks.  But plateaus are a thing.  273.

I don't guess I have to worry as much about weighing less for my doctor because she's left and so she's not my doctor anymore.  I need a new doctor.

June 14, 301.2

 Today the scale started off reading 304.6 (BOO!) and then gave a few readings of 299.6 (YAY!) and I nearly stopped and claimed 299.6 because why not and besides I really would like to get under 300 pounds before this trip this weekend.  But I gave it a few more goes and eventually compromised with the reading of 301.2, which is a slight bounce up from yesterday's reduction.  I ate a lot of food yesterday.  Not as much as the diet required, but with some variances from the diet.  I made the mistake of buying groceries for 6 days, including produce and meats, despite that we are going to the beach this weekend.  So I'm trying to make a dip in the foods most in danger of going bad.

June 12, 301.6

 I think that was the decimal.  Honestly, the scale played around, as it does, starting by threatening to be too high, then threatening to be too low.  I picked this number, around where it seemed to want to settle, happy for new weight loss but not wanting to risk future feelings of stalling out.  Surely I will eventually start to stall out, but right now it feels like it's dripping off a pound a day... Mom asked if I could tell a difference.  I can't see it, but I keep thinking I can feel a difference with my hands.  Areas of my body feel different - squishier, possibly smaller.  Once I thought I had more flex at bending my knee, sometimes I think I feel more flex twisting at the waist.  Yesterday my shorts were coming off at work, so I tied them at the belt loops.  But I don't wear those shorts regularly.  Today, I put on my regular size 24 jeans.  When I first peeled them on, it wasn't easy to tell if they were less tight on me - could have been that they were, but they still had enough fresh stiffness to seem to be near my skin all over.  But after coming back from the grocery store, they were drooping awfully like they wanted to come off.  So, now that I have enough pants, I'm about to get too small for them.  ONE HOPES.  I was so enthusiastic realizing that I might buy some new clothes.  I completely bored with everything in my closet but for a while now buying new clothes has been not particularly pleasing because everything looks like shit on me.  I thought maybe I'd get a structured dress that showed off my boobs.  While I still have some.  Did a little shopping online.  But didn't buy anything.  Yet.  Money does matter.  Exciting to think of buying a size 2X and size 22 instead of 3X and 24.  Can't wait to be under 200 pounds!  My BMI has dropped from 46.9 to 44.5 - that could indicate a whole size difference.

My first day off in two weeks and I slept all day.  I didn't eat according to any meal plan because I had run out of groceries.  I freelanced but kept mindful of my choices.  I had so little to eat today it can't have amounted to anything much anyway.  Yeah, I only ate about 600 calories yesterday.  Burn THAT!

Can't wait to feel pretty and sexy and to fit into chairs and feel less heavy climbing stairs...

June 10, 303.5 20 pounds down!

And just like that, I'm 20 pounds down!

After everything I write yesterday about resisting temptation, yesterday was baked goods day, our baker brought in chocolate chip cookies and chocolate frosted rice krispies treats.  I resisted for a while but the rk treats looked and smelled so good I decided to cut one in half, but I didn't have a knife so I took a small one.  In case it made a difference, I chose to skip snack to accommodate the rice krispie treat.  By the way it was marvelous.

Anyway I don't have time to continue this, but celebration!

June 9, 305.1

Let's be clear, 305.1 is the highest of the numbers my scale rolled through just now.  Yesterday I was having a conversation in my head when I suddenly realized how close I am to being able to say I've lost 20 pounds!  All of a sudden after feeling stuck at only 6 pounds lost for so long.  I can't really tell where it's gone from right now.  Like I said recently, I recently read that it's the hard internal abdominal fat around the organs that disappears first, which I'd love.  Some time ago recently I stated that I imagined I felt less fatty in the neck area, but I can't be sure.  Just now I had my hand on my buttcheek and imagined maybe it felt different, smaller.  Last night I twisted at the waist and imagined it felt easier, freer.  I squeeze my belly fat and think it feels more squishy than it did when I started.  I haven't noticed for sure that any clothes feel different.  My umbilical mass is still there and I still don't know what it is.

I look forward to being able to report 20 pounds weight loss!  But more important to be able to report that I weigh under 300 pounds, when I'll feel better about making my doctor appointment.  When the genie lift that refused to lift me last year will presumably choose to lift me, not that we work there anymore.

My diet involves meal planning.  A diet full of veggies, small portions of meat, low-fat dairy, fruits, and whole grains.  Generally no cake or cookies or candy but I am usually thrilled with the fruit or yogurt.  I do not do a good enough job reporting these foods to Lifesum so I can know how many calories I eat.  I'll try to do that today.  I get the meals from the diet I did at the beginning of this blog back in 2009.  I have a lot of food prep to do today to get me through the weekend, and I guess grocery store on Monday to stay adherent.  This week I've been having more microwave meals with salads (and this delicious French-style yogurt called 'oui.'). Next week maybe I can cook more.  After having had that impromptu cheat the other day of a little cookies and candy, I was offered a Klondike bar yesterday from someone I'd very much like to receive treats from and had to just say "thank you" while watching all the guys grab one.  Unfortunately I can't just accept ice cream whenever offered and hope to maintain adherence to a weight loss regimen.  It's not that I can't eat ice cream.  I just have to be in control of when it happens, like once a week.

June 8, 306.8

Decided to claim 306.8 today, it's what felt right to me today after my multiple scale stands.  That would mean I'm at a new low weight.  Time will tell if I am continuing to lose weight.  I read that the first weight you lose is the hard fat around your organs.  I love that!  Concern about that was a major instigator for starting this diet now.  I hope that hard organ-blocking fat is dripping away, hope my blood pressure is going down

June 7, 308.9?

Hi!  I downloaded the app so I can update you even if I have to run out the door in a rush to work in the morning.  This morning I seemed to weigh 308.9.  But I also started my period.  2 days ago I guess, after having reached the end of the day and still had no dinner, I chose to cheat and eat a handful of Oreos.  But the Oreos were gone and so I had done other cookies instead, and some chocolate.  So that was my cheat.  Still hanging on, although this schedule is rough, I've been relying on microwave meals through it.  After today I plan to cook some more.

So I had a cheat day and I started my period.  Maybe now my weight can drop down again before I go on this family reunion.  I don't know if I can hope to see 299 before I have to go tech an Opera.

June 5, 308?

 Though the scale swung as low as 301, and stopped at times at 306.8, it also stopped at least once at 310, and it stopped a couple of times at 308.0 so that's what I chose to report.  Even though it would be a disappointing increase, it would not be unexpected.  Anyway, if I was really 306.8 or really a loss, and it continues, it will show up in the scale in the near future.  It is very possible I need to do a cheat day, I just can't ever decide to do it "today."  I still want to lose weight more, and fear sabotaging it with a cheat day.  I also don't want to waste a cheat day.

It's hard to keep up.  Work is keeping me very busy, and staying up late preparing and packing my meals for work the next day.  Don't think, just do.  Speaking of which, I have to get dressed and go to work.  Thankfully just for 5 hours, but I slept all day after staying up until morning this morning, there will be precious few hours between my reprieve tonight and my return all day tomorrow.

June 2, 307.2?

 Today I stood on the scale a couple handfuls of times.  It stopped at 307.2 3 of those times and that felt like a reasonable reduction that would save me the pain I'm sure that I'm due from too much weight loss.  One day the measurement will be too high.  Unless I'm really losing weight.  I tried to get a more official weight by going to the YMCA and standing on the medical scale they have in the women's locker room, but it was flawed and after futzing with it, my best reading was about 313.  That's still lower than it's been.  I wonder how long it would take, if I were able to maintain tenacity to this diet, to get under 300 pounds.  Then I would feel comfortable going to the doctor and proving I am really finally trying and succeeding at losing weight.  I have a couple of friends on Facebook who have had the gastro surgery and are showing that mad success.  I have another friend who did it years ago and he could have been 500 pounds for all I know, he was very big, and he lost all of it and has regained some, like you do, but not all of it.  He, for sure, I approved of him getting that surgery.  He really needed it.  The other two I'm not as sure but I don't question it so much.  I wonder if I should have done it sometimes.  The idea of having my guts permanently cut out sounds untenable to me.  But my dad, after esophageal cancer, has had his whole esophagus taken out and his stomach pulled up to his throat like a new esophagus.  He lost a lot of weight and had a hard time regaining.  Then even he started to look almost pudgy, until he got these latest teeth problems making it harder for him to eat again.

Anyway I was good today.  I turned down an ice cream sandwich.  I even refused to enjoy a mint that someone gave me without my even realizing it was happening.  People are throwing food at me!  Today they talk about Baby Ruth and I find myself wanting a Baby Ruth.  I want a yogurt.  But so far I am good.

Problem is I have no time to go to the grocery store.  At this point I think I'm going to order grocery delivery.  Have to get through next week.  Then there *will* be an interruption when I go to the family reunion on the Outer Banks.  We'll call that cheat weekend.  It's 2 weeks away, though, I might should have a cheat before then.  I am excited about my current weight loss, though, and hesitate to counteract it.

I haven't been able to tell that my clothes fit any differently, but today I did find myself running my hands around my neck and thinking it felt less fatty there.  That's a great place to lose weight, and one of the last places I remember gaining and thinking "this is awful".  I don't like the feel of my jaw fat and my chest fat forming a fold - gross.  But that's how it's been for me in this reclining position for a while.  Not so much tonight, I think possibly.

Though it's too much to ask, I hope hope hope I weigh even less tomorrow.

June 1, 308?

 The situation with my scale has become untenable, but this last time I tried it stopped at 308.0 several times, and that was enough under yesterday's weight to seem reasonable and not set me up for miserableness of a weight gain today or later.  Yesterday I ate only breakfast before going to work, and then lunch when I got home, and then, much later, an unplanned cheat of 2 squares of chocolate, but I guess if you're going to have an unplanned cheat it should be 2 squares of chocolate after a large weight loss on a day that you've only eaten two of your 3 meals + snack.  That's all I have time for, I stayed in bed too long again and need to cook tofu to take with me to work tonight.

May 31, 308.8?

 I have to tell you, I just spent a good 10 minutes at the scale trying to work out my reportable weight.  The numbers were all over the place, rolling from as low as 302 or less up to 314, but usually rolling around at 304-311 and settling around 307-309.  In recent times, since I've started this diet, there's been a cat litter box in my bathroom which has been crowding my scale space and my toothbrushing space so last night I moved the litter box closer to the wall, clearing space in front of the sink for me but also crowding the scale.  When I was first having trouble getting a scale read, I pulled the scale out to a different space on the floor.  The readings went haywire and dropped down to numbers at just above 300 or even below.  We did that for a while, then I lifted the scale to make sure there was nothing under it, and pulled an old bandaid off of one of the feet.  I battled and battled, eventually putting the scale back closer to the wall again, trying to find a spot where the readings made more sense to me, gradually thinking I would accept numbers like 310-something, then ok 309-something... but the scale readings were too low.  Obviously I haven't lost 5 pounds in the past 2 days, right?  So... it's hard to tell what I weigh, what my initial weight really was.  I am tempted to go to the Y to stand on the scale there just to get a more accurate reading.  If my numbers have dropped this much, I'm a lot closer to making a doctor's appointment where I can show up having lost weight.  I feel like if I've lost weight (1) my blood pressure readings might be, if not better, at least at numbers I can accept as not just due to that extra poundage, and (relatedly) (2) my doctor will feel like giving me feedback not based on writing me off as a hopeless fat person.  Thinking back to the last time I saw her and asked about this possible umbilical hernia and I felt like she looked at my fat belly and imagined a surgeon having to dig through all that fat and space to get to my abdominals and shove a hernia through and decided it wasn't worth it.

I can say my shorts were starting to think of dropping off of me at work by the middle of the day yesterday.  I couldn't tell you if that was normal or not though.  I typically think of those shorts as being kinda tight, a little surprising stretch in the fabric keeping them from tearing in the crotch.

Maybe after weeks of holding on to my fat my body suddenly went into a fat-burning metabolism.

Or maybe I screwed up by moving my scale.

I definitely should have got measurements.

I definitely have that outie bulge under my belly button right now.

May 29, 312.3

 312.3!

I'll be honest, my adventures on the scale rendered me a 313.3 at first, but the numbers it was hopping around ranged from 310-313 (just a glimpse of 314 at times) before settling on 313 that I stood on the scale again to see if I could come away with one of those lower numbers.  When I did, I decided to take it!

Past couple days the diet has rendered me hungry.  Lunch and dinner both have consisted of a little shrimp or a little beans with a ton of veggies like onions, peppers, spinach, tomatoes.  I have skipped snack and I have had a glass of wine both days.  Perhaps wine is the key to weight loss?

Let's just say I am tentatively hopeful.  And grateful.  If I don't lose weight for the rest of the week, I'll be disappointed but I shouldn't be too disappointed remembering how long it took me to get to this point with 10 pounds lost.  But I would like to see numbers like 309 by the end of the week.  But I am feeling stress.  I honestly wish this lighting design hadn't come up.  It's going to stress me out.

May 28, 313.5?

 My first trip to the scale this morning gave not such a good reading, but then I slept until afternoon and there was less of a reading.  With any luck this indicates a real shift.  Ready to see lower numbers.

May 27, 316?

 I stood on the scale multiple times this morning, already disappointed that my morning visit to the toilet didn't give much away, but still hopeful for a loss on the scale.  This morning I got wild readings all over the place from 313 to 317 and the dial wouldn't stand still - presumably with me not sure which way was up and leaning back and forth.  I finally felt like 316 was the most natural reading, but I am still disappointed not to have lost more weight by now.  

Lifesum tells me to eat 2319 calories.  Yesterday I ate what my old diet plan recommended it was around 2100 calories.  I also went to a workcall in the morning, very tired on not enough sleep, then had a nap for 3 hours in a closet, then got up and went for a slow walk to try and get moving, but it felt weak and slow just trying to push myself forward.  The walk was only 8 blocks and 0.72 miles.  Then, after more sitting, load-out (more energetic this time) and home for an evening of sitting and watching TV.  My calorie recommendation is probably based on more exercise.  That could be why I stagnate.  I wonder if I can manage to get to the gym on any of these work days.

I accepted a lighting design which has the potential to really play havoc with my diet as it will take a higher priority.  I did not seek out the lighting design but felt like I ought to accept it.

May 26, 316

 I've been sitting stuck, so yesterday I went to the gym again and did another 30 minutes on the elliptical.  Yesterday I also was apparently very tired and slept until 2:30 pm!  I had a diet breakfast, then went to the gym which was around 6:00.  By the time I was out of there, it was like 7:30, and I went to the grocery store, but when I arrived at the grocery store, I was famished, and saw the Subway and I decided it was time for my cheat day right then and there.  I had a footlong turkey and cheese with chips and three cookies, but I had to stop after two - so that's a difference from before, when I could have eaten it all.  After that I came home and eventually prepared all my meals for today.  For the rest of the evening I ate a frozen waffle (240 calories) and a square of chocolate and a small portion of lite peach ice cream.  

It has not been a full night's sleep since last night's activities kept me up very late.  Anyway, I weigh 216 this morning.  Maybe I shouldn't be surprised.  I hope I lose weight some day.

May 21, 314.5

 Good news, a real reduction on the scale!  Yesterday's dinner seemed small, a single dish of tofu and veggies and whole wheat pasta with a little ricotta.  NOT preceeded by a huge salad and followed up by a whole half a canteloupe (like the cheeseburger I've been having for dinner) but I let it be and now it's been well over 12 hours since and I'm doing okay but I do want some breakfast.  Tomorrow I have to carry my food for the day in with me.  

There is one chocolate Riesen in my purse and I have been avoiding it.  It reminds me of the "cheat day" last Sunday (Mother's Day).  Is it possible that the cheat day successfully tricked my body into thinking it's not starving, enabling this belated loss of the past couple of days?  It's hard to believe it's been so long since I've had so many sweets (apart from a little honey in my tea sometimes.)  Surely that is a calorie reduction as well as a financial alleviation.  Anyway, how to know when I get a next cheat day.  Whatever day that is will have to involve chocolate!  That's the main thing.  And or maybe baked goods.

So, I need to figure out when I can go grocery shopping and get my meals for the next week.

May 20, 316

 I don't know how my scale decides what intervals it will read.  Apparently today it jumps between 317.0 and 316.0 and 315.2.  I'm decidedly situated at 316.0 of those options.  Yesterday I went to the Y and pushed myself to do the absolute minimum on the elliptical.  Definitely an eye-opener about the lack of exercise I've had and the effect its been taking on my cardiovascular system.  Also possibly evidence of how much better my diet works if I exercise for 30 minutes.  Should try to do AT LEAST twice a week.

Anyway, woo hoo!  Still so far from that phantom 313 scale reading over a week ago but at least the scale budged!

May 18, 317

 The past two days I've had to rush out to work in the morning and was stalled at 317.6 so I didn't blog.  This morning my first time on the scale it seemed settled at 318.  After lying around all morning, I stood on the scale again and it seemed lower, 317.  At this rate, the 313 I was celebrating a few days ago seems like it will take forever to achieve.  It feels like this period of time that I was hoping to get several pounds knocked out before I get busy with work or life (risking regain) again will not have created the safety cushion I was expecting.  

Nevertheless I have managed to stick to incorporating this meal planning into my lifestyle.  Well, I feel like it's a labor, still, something I have to propel myself through, the meal planning, the grocery list making, the grocery store going, and the meal prep and meal packing.  The grocery trip has cost about $150 each time so far but I have hope that it may eventually reduce or that I will see that not dining out and not buying candy I might overall be spending less on food?  I should check and see on that.

Anyway, I was hungry yesterday and hoped for some loss on the scale today.  Nevertheless, it's been pretty easy to stick to it so far.  As long as I know I have a food plan, it is pretty easy to decline offers of other food, when my parents cook, when there are snacks at work (actually haven't been tested on that too much yet) and yesterday when I went to the movies and smelled the popcorn it was tough not to get some.  I considered getting a snack since I hadn't had mine yet, but I saw they didn't have anything healthy, no granola bar or nothing, which is fine I guess, I made it through the movie without thinking about it, and a granola bar might not have been as good as the snack I had at home, a huge, delicious strawberry protein smoothie.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm only down 6 pounds?  Worst start-of-diet results ever.  I should incorporate exercise, though, it would surely help!

May 15, 318

 Yesterday was Mother's Day so after sticking to the diet the first part of the day, we went for a drive and in the evening went to Mom's favorite restaurant for Mexican food and a margarita.  I got a margarita as well, and rice and beans and steak and tortillas and guac.  No way to know how many calories or anything were in there, but I ate only two of the fajitas I was given and did not eat all the food.  Basically figured it was a cheat day and it's arguably time for a cheat day anyway, although I was going to wait until later, hopefully after seeing a better drop in weight.  Last night I ate the rest of the bag of chocolate Riesens that I had bought on the day before starting this thing.  So, yeah, now it's a big ol cheat day.  So curious to see what the scale was going to do.  Despite teasing me at times with a weight of 313-315, that was mostly when I was leaning back slightly on my feet.  Once again the scale hopped back and forth between 317.6 and 318.4, so I am claiming 318 again.  Hopefully my body is thinking "Oh, we are not starving, I don't need to cling so tenaciously to all my fat", but I must say that in my memory, cheat days usually delivered surprising results the day immediately after.  Possibility still exists that I am eating too many calories for weight loss.  

It is creepy how good this word processor is at figuring out what I'm about to say.  There, it was completely clueless in this paragraph.

May 14, 317.6

 Here I am still stuck on 317.6.  Disappointed, but not so discouraged.  Hope to report better numbers soon.  I'll be back to work for a couple days this week.

May 13, 317.6

 Yesterday I worked.  I haven't been working lately in part because i thought it would be a good time to take a break and in part because I thought it would help me get started on this diet.  So I packed all my food and took it to work yesterday, and in so doing I had dinner at 6pm, reserving only berries for when I got home, which was midnight.  Also, I felt crave-y yesterday, and this morning heading to the scale, I felt like my belly actually felt squishier, less full.  I had hopes for the scale, but round one was disappointing, so at the moment I am waiting for another go at the toilet where I might lose a little more weight before my final weigh-in - I'll get back to you.

Well, I've waited as long as I'm willing to.  Best I can offer is 217.6.  I was really hoping my weight would have dropped back a bit more after yesterday.  Oh well, on with the show.  In the next couple of days I need to get back to the grocery store, and maybe I should do 4 days of eating the same thing instead of 3 to reduce the burden of meal planning and grocery shopping.

May 12, 318 :-(

 What a disappointment, but not necessarily unexpected.  I ate my food so late yesterday.  Just seems like so much of it.  Despite some hope that my morning stop at the toilet would improve my scale reading, my scale reading bounced back a lot.  Possibly it is yesterday's scale reading that was a fluke.  (After all, if I'd gone with my first scale reading I would be reporting 313; however 14 stands on the scale made this impossible for me to claim.)  Well, these things happen, I wish it hadn't happened this soon but nothing to do but stick to it and if weight loss doesn't continue, moderate calorie amounts and boost exercise.

May 11, yay!

 You ready for this?  It's a good one!  314.1.  Even though dinner was more food than I could manage yesterday.  I'm thrilled.  I'm not sure if this is Day 7 or what but that's 9 pounds down and under any weight I can remember being in recent history.  Now to get to 299 pounds, and then I will feel like I have really made some progress.

I am not exercising and yesterday I had mostly drinks with artificial sweeteners in them, 1 0-calorie energy drink and a couple Diet Cheerwines.  Today I will try to drink more water but yay.

Now I am thinking I should go another week before I have a cheat day.  Of course Mother's Day is Sunday and going to Azteca to eat is usually a thing.  I need to prepare myself mentally that I might not lose another whole 9 pounds in my second week, and it is imperative not to lose track for a while.  But if I stick to my meal plans, preparing and packing and washing the dishes every night, I can get through this.

Just looked up "How big is 10 pounds of body fat" and learned that it's about the size of a bowling ball.  However, I also learned that I probably haven't lost 10 pounds of fat, but rather mostly muscle and water, which are denser.  (Also I started my period, which may offer interpretations of last week's numbers)

I was wondering when I'd start to feel like my clothes were getting looser.  When I'd feel more comfortable folding at the waist.  Etc.  What will happen to the "umbilical hernia".

Anyway, I will spend today sticking to the diet and feeling brilliant about weighing less than who knows when!  Too long!  In September I will turn 50.  *If* I lose 2 pounds per week, a big hope, I'll be 280 pounds by then.  Maybe then I can get back in the genie to focus.  

May 10, 317.3

 Well, to be honest, I had a second weigh-in yesterday morning hours after my first weigh-in but still before eating or drinking, and it was 317.3.  So this represents no drop on the scale since then.  I confess I hoped for more since I fell asleep yesterday before 2nd snack or dinner.  But it's ok.  Yesterday I made it to the grocery store with a grocery list and it was $150 again, including possibly some pricey items like smoked salmon.  Just barely got the groceries put away before I fell asleep until 6:30 this morning, feeling refreshed and ready to be productive today (after having wasted 90 minutes on the online game I play plus another 45 minutes with things like wordle, facebook, and blogger.  Time to be productive and clean up around here!)

The chart at Lifesum shows that I have weighed 315 in recent past, but mostly I have been in the the 320s to low 330s at my highest.  When I get below 315 that will be a good day.  Hopefully I will be there by the end of this 6-day meal plan cycle and then I expect I might have a cheat day.  Hopefully it won't be too early for a cheat day.

This morning's breakfast promises to be not much, I think, just a banana mashed with peanut butter and like wheat germ.  I bet it's not very many calories compared to the high-calorie breakfasts I've been having.

Then I think I will start a load of laundry and head to the gym.

After which I will come back and maybe practice digital drawing or continue to clean.

May 9, 318.7

 I'll take it!  Though it only represents about a 5 pound weight loss from my first weigh-in, at least it seems like I'm losing weight.  

Now, challenges in the near future include:

• camping trips with dad
• family reunion in June
• want to drive to Key West
• 3 weeks solid of Broadways
• Mother's Day even!
• be able to focus in the genie again

I need to follow up this piddling 5-pound weight loss with more to significantly buffer any possible weight regain and to make the little 5-pound weight loss into a 20-pound, nay 50-pound weight loss.

Lifesum shows that I have weighed in once some months ago at 315 pounds but I must not have stayed there too long.  So I have further to go before I have truly lost weight.  When will I be under 300 pounds?  280?  250?  235?  Lifesum doesn't tell me, anywhere I can see.  If it's 2 pounds per week, then 300 doesn't come until...

Yeesh.  I found a predicting calculator at Noom.  I can get conservatively down to 233 by next May.  Talk about commitment.  I need to start feeling it, but keeping this diet is awkward in a family situation and for special occasions.  I need a system because I don't do well flying blind.  Under 300 by July.  280 by August.  250 by next February.  I mean, prepare go at this a year and still be obese when it's all done!  But 100 pounds lighter would be brilliant, on my feet, on my joints, on my pace, on my waist, on my spine...

Oh, I filled out the next section and they think they'd get me down to 233 by March 22.  280 by my birthday.  250 by the new year.  I will 100% join Noom when/if my motivation on this ediets meal planning flags.

Oh I finished the questionnaire and they think they can get me to 233 by March 1 all of a sudden.  I played their little game.  By June 5th if I am at 302 that's a 5% loss and I'll be at LOWER RISK.  That'll be nice.  I'll make my doctor's appointments then...

And I've hit the paywall at Noom, unfortunately only being given prices for the 7-day trial, not for the regular access.

May 8, 321.0?

 Well, even though I've been up and eaten lunch and dinner overnight, it is morning, I am even losing my morning as the hours go by and it is almost 10a.m.  Still, for a lark, I weighed myself this morning and the scale read 321.0 again.

A few more things I want to lose weight for besides the medical reasons.  I want to buy and look attractive in clothes.  I want to be attractive to a romantic partner.  And I want to be able to fit into my airplane seat comfortably when we go to Scotland!  Though I don't know how much weight I'd have to lose for that to be the case!  I don't know if I can reasonably expect to lose that much weight by then.  Aren't airplane seats so small, no legroom?  I have never been a small person.

I definitely want to give Dad a window seat on the flight.  Mom too on the return flight.  I remember Dad looked kinda sad that I claimed the window seat, having always been the dreamer who liked looking out the window, always the daughter dreamer.  But airplane rides are rare and he deserves another go in his life.

That's not really about weight loss, though, is it.

I should get some body measurements.

May 7, 321

 I don't know what to say about it.  Yes, I got up and weighed myself and it was a couple pounds down and that's good.  Then I got up after a while and had breakfast, and then I fell asleep again for the rest of the day.  I had big plans, to just enjoy the day sitting outside, write in my diary and read.  Clean my room.  I slept all day.  I still have food to eat and wonder if I should go to sleep tonight or stay up and when does that mean I eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner?  Anyway.  Another day off tomorrow, hope to spend it better.

May 6, part deux

 Stuck to the diet today.  Had a Diet Energy Drink in the late afternoon and two Diet Cheerwines at night after work with my dinner (which was broiled fish, couscous, snowpeas, blackberries, and a few almonds for anyone wondering.  I had the two Diet Cheerwines because the idea of just drinking water at the moment seemed untenable and I haven't been suffering abdominally like what made me start this thing.  In fact, I just now had my first decent BM in at least a week, although the stools were a bit floaty and fluffy.  Sorry but I do pay attention to that stuff especially when it starts not working so well.  I do want to get a colonoscopy and make sure everything is okey doke in there.  Stayed up late watching two movies tonight to celebrate having a few days off now (and to eat the dinner I couldn't even start cooking until midnight).  

I hope I weigh less tomorrow.

May 6 - 322.7 again :-(

 Well, I got plenty of sleep, at least I got more of it, last night, but unfortunately still not the scale drop I was looking forward to.  I have a digital scale, so I think it has certain intervals it reports and its readings round off to the nearest of those intervals.  But still, by the third day on the diet I would have expected a fun drop.  I really wanted to lose ten pounds in the first week.  And I know I have not been sleeping enough but I would have thought maybe after getting sleep 2 or 3 pounds would have dropped away like candlewax.  It's too early to be too disappointed, of course.  

I have been drinking a lot more water and a lot less of anything else.  I did have one Diet Cheerwine yesterday.  And at night I have Sleepytime tea with honey.

It's Day 4 so today I move on to my next set of meals.  I stayed up last night cooking a bean and corn casserole.  It mixes bean corn and zucchini into a consistency of tomato sauce and milk and egg, which turns pink, so when I poured the whole thing out into a bowl it looks like vomit, and it probably won't be as appealing cold.  But it should be edible.  The next several days I am not scheduled to work and should be able to enjoy cooking for at home.  And next time I have long work days I need to have food to take to work that might occasionally involve more frozen meals.

But yeah, I'm ready to start sliding down that downward slope.  I should do some Body-for-Life style cardio and weightlifting.  Instead of no exercise whatsoever.  Yesterday I walked across downtown to go to the museum and I was so tired - probably as much to do with lack of sleep as with physical depletion.

I did not feel the abdominal discomfort that I have been complaining about at the start of this diet, so maybe that's good.  I should do some body measurements.

May 5, 322.7

 Weight loss success by day 3.  Way too sleepy.  Preparing food for tomorrow took me an hour and a half.  I have sleep to catch up on so I'll have to do more tomorrow.

May 4th 323.5

 Okay I have a starting weight.  323.5.  And I have now been on the diet two days.  I ate the same thing today as yesterday, almost.  I tracked my food at Lifesum, and tracked 5 glasses of water.  I was very sleepy today, again, after more than an hour of sleep but honestly still not enough sleep, maybe 2-3 hours.  I am starting to feel the hunger.  The temptation to conveniently forget the diet and have one, no a handful, might as well finish the bag of chocolate Riesens was a bit stronger.  This is the advantage of being on a strict diet where all your meals are already planned - Riesens aren't on the list.  I know I will have cheat days but first I need to strain my body of the sugar and the sugar cravings that come with it, and the same with the aspartame which is why I'm not having a soda today or tonight.  I regret that I was, again, too sleepy for exercise.  I still feel abdominally uncomfortable.  Hey, it's only day 2.  Hopefully on the third day, after several hours of healing sleep during which my body tenaciously works on itself, I will see a change on the screen, feel a little less punky in the abdominal area, something to inspire me to stick with this another day that will possibly be harder yet.

Well, I am falling asleep even here.  And my cat is comfortable here and I don't want to nudge her away by getting up to take a shower.  Aren't my priorities in order?

Only three days left until I have to go to the grocery store again for another week.  Better start planning.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

May 3, First day

 I spent a lot of time last night after grocery shopping preparing my meals for the next three days, when I'll be at work all day.  Today I ate it all except I skipped the snack that was an apple and string cheese.  I logged to Lifesum 2370 calories which may seem like a lot and it was 51 calories over.  I had only had about an hour of sleep and was very tired.  Indeed, I nodded off at work while being asked to do nothing all day.  I found that I was very thirsty today and I drank a zero-calorie energy drink, a zero-calorie Propel, and a Diet Ginger Ale, but also a lot of water.  I am still feeling abdominal discomfort and felt some uneasiness and thought maybe I would cut way back on artificial sweeteners, in fact cut them out altogether for now (which will be hard for me I think) but I really welcomed the three bottles of water I drank in addition to the above.  Tonight I am drinking sleepytime tea with just a *little* honey.  I like honey in my tea, not so much because it is sweet but I like the flavor of honey and how it makes me feel.  It feels natural and good.  It also mellows out a tea.  But, after one day on this diet I am feeling like I *could* drink herbal tea without any honey at all.

I failed to get a start weight this morning.  Hopefully tomorrow! 

I am still concerned about this abdominal discomfort.  I'm starting to wonder if it even is an umbilical hernia at all.  It feels like large pockets of hard fat, outside of my abdominal muscles.  Perhaps it is this fat that has been pushed out instead of intestines.  Maybe all my discomfort is from an increasing amount of hard internal abdominal fat making my organs struggle to operate properly.  So I hope some fat starts flying off straight away!  I just read an article that said that if I lose a chunk of fat right now I can expect like 80% of it to be the hard fat.  So let's get to it!  I want to feel better within a week!

I refused some work for next week so I can focus on my diet and going to the gym, and also I am thinking about learning some of these programs others in the industry know, like QLab and SketchUp, etc, and also I want to enjoy this fine weather with hiking and gardening and sitting in the yard.  Also I have been dipping in to digital painting and I am terrible!  So that's a lot to ask for a short period of time off and I do need to keep money coming in but the summer is packed with incessant Broadways and I figure it's likely I won't get time off then.

I think I should set a goal and a reward.  When I hit 285, go shopping.

A note about 285 - that was my initial start weight in 2009, but that was as measured on my home scale.  On other scales like at the Doctor's office and the Y, I weighed more than at home.  I was probably more than 285.  But also probably more muscular than I am now, as I become a middle-aged, going-on-old woman.  So 285 will mean I weigh less than my start weight from back then.  I hate all my clothes right now and I don't know if that's boredom from being old and not being inspired by anything or just that nothing really makes me feel good about how I look.  So maybe I could find one new outfit to feel better and celebrate weight loss success.

May 2nd, starting tomorrow

 During the run of The Nutcracker, I finished copying out all the meal plans I had kept printed out and in a box.  It was a major project and I finally was able to throw away that box of papers and print out an organized book of the meal plans.  However, getting to the grocery store and getting started has been tough, and it hasn't happened, and now it's May!  But I finally got a week of meals planned and went to the grocery store and tonight I spent the whole evening preparing my meals for the next three days because my work schedule will have me out from early morning until late night.  Because that's how it is in this business.  Also, I still live with my parents and still watch TV with them every night and still feel like that was when I stopped and still have foot problems (but the knee problems not so much these days) but now I've lost my lighting design outlet and I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Do I pursue opportunities like a freelancer or settle in for the most success I can get in stagehanding or try for that elusive "library job" with regular hours.

Anyway, I've decided that I need to blog about this regularly, and I typed in blogspot.com and damn if this blog didn't come up without me even having to sign in or remember my password.  Just ready for a new entry.  I reread the entries of my weight gain, and how that fistula seemed to end my activity level and my spirits.

I don't know what I'll weigh in at tomorrow morning, about 317-330 is what I've been at lately.

I feel uncomfortable in my midsection and I have apparently an umbilical hernia and occasionally wonder if I have any intenstinal problems, but I FEEL like I need to lose 20 pounds before I make a doctor's appointment, because she's not going to respect me unless I can tell her that I'm losing weight.  That's how I feel.  Plus, I want to lose any abdominal fat from under the muscle if I can, so I feel more supple and so we can push that hernia back in.

So I'd like to get to under 300 pounds ASAP.  My parents know what I'm doing and I'm a little worried Mom will mess things up by getting back in to cooking right when I DON'T need her to.  She has been not cooking for such a long time but if she sees me at it she might get inspired herself and then I'll have a harder time of declining her food. 

That's my goal and I'm publishing it.  Weekly trips to the grocery store for the meal plan.  Daily blogging, for now.  Daily calorie tracking.  Daily weigh-ins.  Keep it simple.  I'm 49 years old, the weight will be harder to lose, but it can happen if I am motivated and BELIEVE.  Doesn't sound much like me.  But it is me tonight.